03x05 - b*tch Box

[bunniefuu]

[Dewey].
Oh, this is so warm.

It's like Rio de Janeiro. Oh!

[Roach].
What's that?

It's a city in Brazil.

[Roach].
Serious?

[Dewey].
It smells like this.

Is that a f*cking
garbage fire?

Dude, we were
wondering that too.

Yeah? Were you two
geniuses wondering enough

to do something about it?

Uh, we were trying
to contain it.

How?
- By watching it.

Only then can we
truly understand it.

We're the guardians
of the inferno.

I tried pouring my coffee
on it and nothing happened.

Should we pull a fire alarm?

Well there's a fire
extinguisher right there.

You're part of the volunteer
fire team for f*ck sakes!

Uh, I am at work right
now so I can't volunteer.

Yeah, get smarter.
- A conflict of interest.

Do I gotta f*cking do
everything around here?

What are your interests?

Oh buddy, insects are the best.

[Todd].
Can you believe this sh*t?

I built this terrarium where
a spider and a bee battle.

I give honey to the bee,
I give water to the tarantula,

and they go at it.
- Idiots!

Who started it?
- Spontaneous.

Seriously? No one knows?

It was Jesus, I assume.

[coughing]

Clean it up!

Where'd my smoke go?

[coughing and gagging]

[Todd].
Okay, let's get to the
bottom of this g*dd*mn fire.

sh*t. There's birds in
front of all the cameras.

No clear visuals.

Just birds. More birds.

Taser's been feeding the
f*cking pigeons again.

So we don't know
who started it.

Okay, standard
protocol is we open up

a fire incident investigation,
sit everybody down,

conduct interviews.

Hope for a snitch.

No. Snitches get stitches.

Damn right.

I know these guys inside out.

Let me handle this.

[indistinct chattering]

So, no one has fessed up to
starting the garbage fire.

[Dewey].
Nope.

And I know you're not gonna
publicly rat anyone out,

so we're gonna do
it anonymously.

Oh please, that's a
confession box for cowards!

[everyone chattering]

We take fires very
serious around here.

We figure out what happened,
it never happens again

and we go back to work. So...

[Barb].
I don't wanna work.

Feel free to share.
I'm here to listen.

[Homer] My a*s!
- Well, I'm, I'm here to read.

Todd's got a b*tch box!
- Todd's got a b*tch box!

[everyone in unison]
Todd's got a b*tch box!

[indistinct chattering]

Real f*cking funny.

[upbeat music]

[Steph].
Come on, people.

It's not that hard.

So no one has
anything to say.

That's nice.
- Hmm.

[Todd].
We're not leaving this room

until we get to
the bottom of this.

Just gonna sit here
all f*cking day?

[Steph].
Fill the cards out. Let's go.

All right, Toddy-
- [Homer] Traitor.

You want me to
c*m in your box?

Something you don't
know anything about.

It's a start. Thank you.

That's not anonymous.
We all know who wrote it.

I just want to
get back to work.

Keep it coming.

[Backwoods].
So what do you think?

You wanna touch all the
bases a little later?

A little quickie,
uh, check-in?

[Todd].
Who else has one?

A little FaceTime, except my
face will be right in your...

Okay, you're not very
good at this, are you?

There you go, bud.

I could be up for a little
impromptu tool inspection.

This is gonna start
a real f*cking fire.

[Todd].
Well that's the spirit.

Let's get this
show on the road.

[Homer].
Suck on that, Todd.

I'm not reading
that one out loud.

[Taser].
Do it!

You have to read
them out loud, Todd.

There's no writing.

Do you want me to
describe this?

[Taser] Yes.
- Sure.

This is a vag*na
pissing on a fire.

[Barb].
Wait, whose is that?

[Backwoods].
Oh, nummy, nummy,
nummy, nummy.

No help there.
- [Barb] Nice work, Dewey.

[Homer].
That is anatomically correct.

[Tanner].
Can I have that?

It is well done, though.
Very hairy.

I have to read dirty
things all the time.

I'm HR.
- [Bev] Yeah, we know.

Allow me.

[Taser].
Hey Homer, I think
this one's mine.

Uh...
- It's okay.

You don't wanna read that.

[Homer].
Yeah, let her read it, Todd.

Trust me.
- [Barb] Give it to her!

I got it.
- [Taser] Check this one out.

"Janet needs to get laid."

[Taser].
Yes, she does.

This is 100% accurate.

It's the truth.
[laughs] I'm desperate.

[Taser] Told ya!
- Feedback cards, eh?

You sure you don't want to just
use standard protocol for fires?

You know, question people,
establish timelines,

identify ignition source.

Trying to think
outside the box here.

By thinking inside the box?

I think this may
actually work.

Okay. Keep me posted.

[upbeat music]

"The piss cookies in
the shitter are rank."

[Dewey].
They're stinky.

"Janet needs to stop flapping
her gums about how I dress."

[Taser].
That's me.

Are we running a refinery
here or a beauty pageant?

Your laces are always loose.

Yep.

Your coveralls
stink like sh*t.

It's my musk.

And you cut the sleeves
off of every shirt,

which is unhygienic.

I gotta let my arms breathe.

[Homer].
Preach, Taser.

I get more
complaints about you

than I do anyone else
in the facility.

Really?

That's what I was going for.

And you're a sh*t driver.

[crowd gasping]

[Bev].
Thems fighting words!

You never yield to
oncoming traffic.

You never use your blinker

and you park
across two spaces.

[Barb].
It's true.

You can tell me how
to dress, Janet,

but you can't say
I'm a sh*t driver.

sh*t driver.
- Okay!

Taser can drive and
you've got rules, Janet.

Moving on...

I can drive.
- f*ck.

[Homer].
Don't worry about it.
You're a good driver.

"Bummer is a pyrophile.
Fire makes her horny."

It does not!

Why the hell would you
write that, you d*ck.

Why would you think
I wrote that?

You're the only
one that knows.

[Backwoods].
We all know now.

We were trying to get to
the bottom of the fire.

Your hoo-ha gets moist
at every open flame.

I thought it was
important information.

If everyone must know,

it's only 'cause I got my cherry
popped watching "Backdraft."

Well, at least
that's about fire.

[Hom] It's getting hot in here!
- Calm down.

We were the only
ones in the theatre.

[Tanner] I hope so.
- [Dewey] Is that a musical?

Did anybody else
write anything

about the actual f*cking fire?

What fire?
- Morning, Roach.

[Roach] Lunch ready?
- "Todd says open door policy,

"but his door is
literally always closed."

Yeah, what the hell are
you doing in there anyway,

just yanking it?

I'm doing actual work.

Bullshit.

Okay, this next card,

is gonna be about the fire.
I know it,

I can feel it.

[Homer].
[scoffs] Yeah, read it.

"Taser's homemade hot
sauce is too spicy.

"The next day it felt like
I was sh1tting a saw blade.

"Now I have a**l...
tissues? Issues?"

Fissures.

[in unison] Fissures,
- Yeah, yeah, makes sense.

I have a really sensitive
a**l cavity and, uh,

there was an alarming
amount of blood in the bowl.

So I guess you,
you wrote this one?

Just use less peppers,
all right pal?

Less peppers.

"Todd can't take
constructive criticism."

Okay, that is ridiculous.
Who the f*ck wrote this card?

Me again!
- [Homer] Good one, Tase.

Seriously, Taser?

We are never gonna
figure this out, man.

I have one!
- [Steph] Stay on point.

"Todd got rid of the only
thing I loved about him,

"his rattail."

[Barb] Oh, I miss that thing.
- [indistinct chattering]

Thank you for the
constructive criticism, Dewey.

[Steph].
His hair looks great!

See how I'm embracing that?

Yeah, nice shirt.
- [Todd] Okay.

Please, let this next
card be about the fire.

Come on, card.
Help me out here.

"If this isn't a
safety violation,

"I don't know what is.

"Backwoods has been
plowing Audrey in tank 18?"

[crowd gasping]

f*ck off! Who the
f*ck wrote that one?

What the f*ck?!

[Backwoods].
What the f*ck is right.

Audrey, is this true?

Who the f*ck's
writing that sh*t?

[Barb].
Yeah, right?

[Audrey].
You f*ck think
that's funny?

sh*t is getting spicy.
- Yeah, it is.

What in the actual f*ck
is this load of hooey?

Is this make sh*t
up hour everybody?

Yeah, really f*cking funny.
- Hilarious. [laughs]

Jesus. Take it easy.
You think I'm into him?

[Bev].
Right?

[Audrey].
f*cking look at him!

Hard pass!

What?
- Yeah I can't, I don't see it.

This is f*cking grade A
beef right here, all right?

You look like a
f*cking ostrich.

[Todd].
Easy now.

Oh, you look like a
bloated yeti with a perm.

You don't have
any good insults.

[Steph].
Okay. Sit down, you two.
Let's get back on track.

Well why would anyone write
that down and lie about it?

I don't f*cking know.

Same reason someone made
up the dumbass rumour

that Leonard had a threesome
with two lady engineers

at the nerd
seminar in Truro.

Wait, people were saying that?

Wow.
- Huh? Yeah, apparently.

[Leonard].
Like which engineers?

Tina? Or Shelley?
- Shelley's pretty hot.

We shared an Uber
to the airport once

and a knee might
have brushed a shin,

giving people ideas.
- [Bev] Dream on.

The point is that nobody is
taking these cards seriously.

This fire could have
caused a lot of damage.

Truro was fire.

Okay, we're going
off the rails here.

Let's take a break.

Everyone think about what
they wanna say about the fire

and let's fill this
f*cking box, please.

I'm like crashed
out pretty hard.

Could we like go over
the box once again?

Why don't you go back
to sleep, Roach,

you stoned queef.

Come on, Leonard.

What are you saying?
Just spit it out.

Just so you guys know,
I've only had sex with my wife.

I haven't had sex
with her recently.

All right.
- Okay.

Why is this line so long?

'Cause obviously Tanner
isn't Jimi for f*ck sakes.

Last time we had sex

was the night we got
the Shih Tzu puppy.

Damn. Isn't your dog four?
- Scram, Cricket!

[Tanner] What the f*ck?
- The big kids need this room.

Come back in ten!
Tool inspection!

Skeet. Get. Go on.
f*ck see ya.

Well at least sanitize
after your done! Dammit!

Why didn't you grab my
straight paintbrush

before you got
kicked out, man?

You signed your
name as Lucio.

The paperwork's wrong.

Oh, the paperwork's wrong.

Well I filled out the

Bring-Your-Child-to-Work
paperwork and you're here.

Tool inspection, huh?

Good call.

Who the f*ck wrote that card?

I have no idea
but if I find out,

I will slap the yellow off
of their mangy rat teeth-

Bigger question though

is do you think that Todd
f*cking believed it?

I don't know that either,

but why don't we just
tell him the truth?

What? No!

Why don't we find out

who started that
stupid f*cking fire.

Maybe that'll
distract him from us.

Okay, it's a good plan.
Solid plan.

It's a hot, sexy, ostrich
plan is what it is. [cawing]

f*ck you.
- f*ck me hard.

Where are you going?

We got eight minutes.

I only need two.
[zipper unzipping]

Mmmhmm.

Yeah, yeah. You just keep
sucking on that thing, okay?

[Roach coughing]

I'd love to f*cking
fill it right now.

Now we gotta take
this to Todd.

[dramatic music]

Who's got an open-door
policy now, m*therf*ckers?!

Sorry to be pedantic
there, Todd,

but that's more of
a no-door policy.

And it's in effect!

Tanner and Roach. [whistles]

Be patient, everybody.

Todd will get to you all.

You f*cking hag.

I can't get
into my computer.

You changed the password?
- No.

Maybe you just didn't
type it in properly

on account of those
disgusting long square nails.

Everyone knows it's squoval
or coffin-shaped now.

At least I'm not still
wearing glitter polish.

Ladies! Glitter is eternal.

Yeah, it is. Thank you.

It's nice.
- Yeah, thanks.

I think French tips
are very classy.

They aren't nice.

And they make your fingers
look short and mine are pretty.

Yours are disgusting actually.

Hey, hey. Isn't today
Beach Day Friday?

Why don't you two hash it
out over some drinky-poos

down by the water?

Drinky-poos are for besties.

I'd rather go
with Dewey anyway.

Too bad. Dewey's
coming with me.

Hell to the no.
- Come on, Dewey.

Dewey comes with me!

[indistinct chattering]

Ow! There's enough of the
Mountain Dew to hydrate us all.

Ow!
- That's gross!

Sorry, guys.

Just go this way.

[playful music]

I thought I locked that.

You okay? I need a favour.

Is that an ant farm?

[Homer].
Close.

I'm harvesting
earwig pheromones.

That's not close. Why?

f*ck it. Never mind.

Just don't bring
that sh*t home.

No sh*t.

They're far too
emotionally sensitive.

I'm trying to find out
who started that fire

and I need your help.

Because if you expose
the fire starter,

it'll distract Todd from
the feedback card

about you and Backwoods.

Yes.

So what do you got for me,
Ghost Protocol?

No, I shut that down.

I don't poke the bear.

I'm a normal man now.

[Audrey].
You are not normal, Homer.

Homer, Homer!

I'm desperate.

Goodbye, Auds.

Ew.

Okay, fine.

I know that you use Todd's tug
rug for your nighttime rituals.

Want me to text him
and tell him right now?

How can I help you?

That's enough!
- [Tanner] I don't care

if y sniff the paint!
- Hey, stop that!

Just don't blow smoke
in my f*cking face.

Jesus Christ, boys.

It's my emotional
support vape.

What the f*ck do you mean?

I got glue-coma.

Glue-co? Do you, do you
smoke glue now too?

Hey! You guys take
whatever this is outside.

I need a word with Todd.

[Tanner].
Wanna step outside?

Play nice, f*ck.

Roach, stop that!

See what I'm f*cking
dealing with?

[Barb] Come on, Cricket!
- What's up, Chels?

There hasn't been a
single weld thrown today.

Payroll hasn't gone out

because Bev and Barb
aren't even speaking.

If people don't get paid-

We will have a
walkout on our hands.

That can't happen!

You know how far
behind this puts us?

You guys almost done?
Leonard won't stop talking

about his wife's
sexual balloon fetish.

Oh god. Oh good.

Come to the parking lot ASAP.

sh*t's going down.

f*ck!
- Best day ever.

[car horn honking]

I'm just having my lunch.

You'll have to go
park somewhere else.

I'm not trying to scare you.

I'm just saying,
this is my spot.

I'll bump you with this car!

What the f*ck is
going on here?

Just another sh*t driver

trying to have a
relaxed lunch hour.

In my parking spot!
- Mine now.

Lord, f*ck Taser,
are you serious?

Let it go!

Go park way in the back
where we park, Janet.

Enjoy the walk.
- No, I'm not going to do that.

You need to learn a lesson
and I'm gonna park in my spot!

Could you just park somewhere
else for today, Janet?

It's the principle.

I'm hitting the gas, Taser.
- No you're not!

I swear to god.
I'm gonna run you down.

No you're not!
- I will!

Oh, running people over?

Who's the sh*t
driver now, Janet?

Would you run
him flat already?

Hit him.
I'll back you up in court!

Hey!

Todd, the feedback
cards aren't working.

We know more than enough
about everyone's sex lives

but we're still no
closer to finding out

who started this fire.

You know your crew, right?

Yes.
- f*cking fix this.

Step it up.

Everyone, in the lunch room.

Now!
- [Steph] Let's go!

[Taser].
You heard the man.
The spot's mine.

[Steph].
Hustle it up, losers.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

What? She just kicked
my chair, Todd!

[Steph].
Come on everybody.

What do you got for me?

Here we go.

And we are live.
- Holy sh*t, Homer.

I thought you chilled
out on the spying.

I never stopped watching.

I just pretended
I didn't care.

Now let's take a closer look.

Who's Juanita?

I name all my cameras after
significant women in my life.

Juanita is located in
the vending machine.

And then of course
there's this angle.

Maureen's my favourite.

That's why I put her on
the roof under the stars.

That's romantic.

All right. And bingo!

There she is, our sparkling
little crime scene.

Can you zoom in on that?

Can I zoom?

You know, dumb
questions like that

would've made the old Homer
flip this whole f*cking van!

That's f*cking dramatic, man.

This is the new Homer.

So let's get to the
bottom of this, shall we?

[fingers cracking]

Okay.
- [whispers] Psycho.

[indistinct chattering]

[coughs] What the
f*ck is your problem?

Ew! That's disgusting!

Listen up, everyone.

I started this with
good intentions

but it caused you guys to fight
about the most ridiculous sh*t.

We learned about
people's fetishes,

that no one needs
to know about,

and making up ridiculous
stories about tank 18.

Terrible.

Do you believe all that
malarkey bullshit?

[Barb].
Craziest story I've
ever heard in my life.

Most of this sh*t needs to
get checked at the door.

This ends now.
- [Dewey] Oh, here we go.

[group gasping]

Bye-bye snitchy b*tch box!

[crowd clapping]
[crowd chattering]

All right.

Everybody okay now?

Everyone's getting along?

[Barb].
Oh.

Oh Todd. Okay, uh...

Well at least we know
who started this fire.

Oh my f*ck!

[Steph].
Todd. Extinguisher.

Gimme a hand.

Here you go, buddy.
Extinguisher.

Is anyone else getting hot? Ooh!

[Taser].
I feel the heat.

[everyone cheering]

You okay?
- No, I'm not.

I didn't wanna do this

but I gotta lay the
f*cking hammer down.

If someone doesn't come
forward about this fire

in the next five minutes and
I find out later it was you,

you're fired!
- Um, a minute, bro.

What's up?

[soft whispering]

Uh, let's take five, everyone.

[Roach].
What'd she say?

[Todd] So what do you got?
- [Audrey] Here we go.

[Homer].
Yesterday, noon.

Dewey has a package of
chocolate delivered.

Don't ask.

The box is stuffed
with flammable paper,

which he disposes of
in the garbage can.

Idiot number one.

What a dumbass.


the refinery from a weld,

tosses an oily rag that
rests on the paper.

Idiot number two.

I f*cking knew it
was gonna be him.


- [in unison] That's you!

On his way out from work,

discards his empty
glass juice bottle,

the kind my kids drink,
into the garbage.

Okay. But how is that relevant?

It rests there overnight

until exactly 7:42 AM when
the sun sits just right,

turning the bottle into a
magnifying glass and poof!

Garbage fire.
Case closed. Idiot...

[in unison] Number three!

Okay, so no one is to blame
and we're all to blame?

Well actually, glass
goes in the recycling.

Everyone knows that, dumbass!

So technically,


There's a lot of pissed off
people in that lunchroom.

You gonna say anything?

And what? Fire myself?

I don't know what
I'm gonna do.

What was that bullshit
with you and Backwoods?

What now?

You two were like
giving the blow...

the poun...

I-I can't even f*cking say it.

It's gross and it's weird and
I don't wanna think about it.

Well were the things
that they wrote about you

on those cards true?

Plus, it could have been
Backwoods and anyone.

He's a notorious sl*t.

True.

Totally. I mean, it could have
been Backwoods and Tanner.

Yeah.

He doesn't know
what a box fart is.

He's probably never
seen a human vag*na.

[chuckles] Totally. Let's go.

Backwoods and Cricket?
Is that a thing or...?

You don't know the half of it.

As of section 5.2
of the Labour Code,

anyone who violates the fire
safety protocol shall be fired.

So let's respect the boss here.

Like Todd said,
fess up or you're fired.

Todd has the floor.

Thank you, Stephanie.

Here's the deal, everyone.

We're gonna forget about
this entire incident.

What? Why?

False alarm.
Hope we all learned a lot.

Let's move past it and
let's get back to work.

I wanted to see
someone get fired.

Shut it, Cricket.

Great leaders don't look around
for someone to blame, Tanner.

Blaming is more for
people like Janet.

I've had enough, Taser.
So unprofessional.

[Taser mocking in high voice]

You know what else
is unprofessional?

Speculating about
someone's sex life

with two female engineers.

I mean, how does
that even work?

Who's in front?

And who takes the notes?

[Roach].
You should watch a porno.

[Taser].
Whoever's not
holding the camera.

Whatever turns you on should
not be up for discussion.

[Roach].
What if you got some sick
moves that people need to know-

That's right!

You good, bro?

Help me.

[Tanner].
I swear to god if you blow
that in my face one more time...

Oh hey, I just found
a few more cards.

Do you guys want
to hear them?

Not really.
- No!

[indistinct chattering]

Everybody shut the f*ck up.

Thank you.

[bright music]

"Leonard may not put the
blocks to his wife enough,

"but he fixed my
laptop a few years ago

"and that was,
that was f*cking nice."

[Tanner].
Yeah. You go, Leonard.

And I do need to
give it to her more.

Okay, that's it.

No, no, no, hang on.

Read this one here
about Bum and Bummer.

Oh, I didn't even
see that one.

Oh, look how
that turned out.

"Bev and Barbra,
such good friends.

"I wish I had a friend to
get manis and pedis with

"and a friend to
finish my sentences."

Oh. I mean,
we are friendship...

[in unison] Goals.

Oh, I'm gonna need
this sweater back.

Sorry, take that.

Okay, that is the last card.

No, no, hang on, hang on.

There was one here.

Read this one about
Taser and Janet.

Oh, how did I miss that?

[Tanner].
Spill the tea, Todd.

[Taser] We need to listen.
- [Homer] Read it.

[Taser] Let's hear it.
- "Taser can drive."

Yes!

"And Janet has had sex."

Yes I have!

Why did she say that?

So there.
- Cool.

Wow, that was almost
lazily on point.

Oh, there's another one.
"Todd's the f*cking man."

Yeah, he is.

I bet he wrote that himself.

Oh probably.

Okay, let's get back
to work, everybody.

Is there a card for me?

Oh, uh...

Oh, there is actually.

"Chelsea is the best
site manager ever."

That one's anonymous,
obviously.

That's all. I'm just
looking out for you.

We need to talk.
- About what?

It's purely, okay.

Well, this should
be interesting.

This better be good.

[sighs] All right.

This is just a sampler.

[Backwoods].
Oh!

[Audrey].
How many angles of
us do you have?

Every one you can imagine.
[Audrey gasping]

[Backwoods].
Oh you little perv.

Get rid of them.

All of them?

Even the one from tank 18?

[whispers] That was hot.

It's f*cking right it was hot.

Listen, delete
absolutely everything.

Just make me a copy first.

Joke's on you.
I already made copies.

What?

I'll have one too, please.

All right, that should do it.

Good job.

That is what I call
follow through.

[door slamming]
[objects clattering]

[upbeat rock music]

Should I come back?

[upbeat rock music continues]

♪

Yes, there we go.
Feed, my children.

[upbeat rock music continues]

♪

[Dewey].
Classic Class D fire.

[Roach].
Class D?

Rock, paper,
scissors, f*ck you!

[everyone laughing]

[Tanner].
Hey. Yo, Danno.
Can you get a box? Thanks.

Hey Steph, I got the,
uh, steel toes here.

Ah! f*ck. sh*t.

♪ We will make a
sweet return ♪

Sorry, Steph. Ow.

[upbeat rock music continues]

♪ Two second by falsified

♪ Fools living in paradise

♪ And calm spiritual ♪

[loud screaming]

[dramatic music]