03x01 - The Layoff

[bunniefuu]

Auds, wake the f*ck up!

We're going hard!

Oh f*ck!

It's Jimi's retirement weekend.

You can sleep when he's dead!

Okay, I'll distract him,

but you f*cking gotta
get outta here!

With what? A teleporter?

Go hide!

For f*ck sakes. Here?

.
Audrey, look.

Special delivery.
You're gonna love this.

.
Ew. A used rubber?

Hey Auds? You alive or what?

f*ck bro,

you can't just barge in
here like that, okay?

'Cause I was rubbing one out.

I'm glad I didn't walk
in on that.

Yeah, pssht, me too.

Here, get this Caesar into ya.

All your essential nutrients.

Awesome. Tomatoes,
vodka, clams, and...

Holy sh*t.
Way more vodka.

Made with one of my
famous pickled beans.

This new batch?

Make your a*s lips pucker.

Can't wait.

.
You're welcome.

f*ck! Grab your sh*t!

Ninja flip.

Oh. One more thing. You...

Huh?

You want your
eggs 'Todd-style'?

Uh no, scrambled's fine.

Scrambled coming up.
- Thank you!

.
You're welcome again.

No problem at all.

Get the f*ck outta here!

.
f*ck.
What have I done?

Okay, here we go. Okay.

Oh sh*t, this is gonna suck!

Fuuuuck! Ugh!

Why the hell were
you up on our roof?

Todd's roof.

He's got shingle rot.

.
And there goes the timer.

Holy f*ck it's cold!

Ugh!

No need for a shower now.

Shingle rock?

First I'm hearing of it,
Mr. Handy-Mullet.

Are you shaving
your whole face?

I've been doing it
since I was five.

Oh.

You do it once and
it grows back thicker.

If I don't stay on top of this,
I'm a daytime werewolf.

Oh look who it is.

I'm not here.

Oh.

Oh. Hey, what up, Snax?

Shhhhh!

Morning, boss!

You look pleased.

Don't even go there, dicklamp.

Your waitering service
last night was bullshit.

What the f*ck happened to
the dessert I paid for?

Oh I ate the dessert myself.

You were too busy eating
my sister's face.

Hey, you wanna see a
drawing of the dream I had?

Are you wearing
clothes this time?

The f*ck? Oh Jesus.

Is that your stepmom again?

Yeah, Miss Nancy.

Except this time
she's part woman,

part recliner.

You really need to talk
to somebody about this.

I am!

You're my someone!

I'm not qualified.

What do you think
this dream means?

Ah, great.

We're all clear.

Ow, you f*cking city
weasel!

Ah f*ck!

Don't stare him in the eyes!

You should know better.

I do know better.

How 'bout I just punt the
f*ck' thing over the fence?

.
Hey buddy, what
are you doing here?

Oh, hey bud.

I just, uh, coming to, uh,
take you to breakfast.

I got breakfast
on the go inside.

Come on in.
- Oh nice.

What happened to your face?
You get in a fight?

Yeah, no, it's, uh, just
running through the bush

huntin' squirrels and sh*t.

How come you're all wet?

Uh, 'cause it was
raining over where I am.

What's that?

I smell pizza or something?

.
Raining? There's not a
f*ck' cloud in the sky.

Drive that into ya.

.
Wow. Todd-style.

.
Oh yeah.

What is that?

Did I do that to you?

No, no.

Dewey?

Thank you, Toddler.

Uh, did everyone
have a good night?

Oh yeah.

Sure did.
- Yeah?

Anyone special
spend the night?

Todd?

Nope. And probably for the best
'cause I snore like a b*stard.

Playing hard to get, huh?

Good strategy.

Not that hard.

We already talked
about another date.

Attaboy!
- Sweet!

Nice!
- Nice!

Mmmhmm!

What'd you get up to after
Dana and I left last night?

I left right after you guys.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Um, what
time did you leave?

Later! Later.

A little later. Not too late.

Not nose beers late,
nothing like that, you know?

Just, uh, early for some,
later for others,

you know what I mean?

It's just kind of just ,
one of those good ole...

Yes!

You're being weird.

No I'm not.

Well, you guys got
some catching up to do

'cause I'm already
on round two.

.
Happy Monday.

.
Ugh, what a messy weekend.

My brains are scrambled.

.
You gonna be okay
to work today?

You get that all
outta your system?

.
I don't know, man.

Okay.
- All right.

You are not hungover.

You're good!

You're definitely hungover.

Here. Coffee.

Check.
- After coffee gum.

Thank you.

Take this for the pain.

Chase it down with this.

What would you do without me?

I'd be f*cked.

Look at me.

Ow!
- Now you're good.

What the f*ck?

Let's go Monday!

Let's do this!

Woo! We are crushing life!

Crushing it!

Good morning, ladies.

Hey! It's Monday but
Todd's got Friday energy.

Oh yeah.
- You smell that?

That's the smell of
money being made, b*tches.

Nice.
- Paycheck's cleared.

I gave us a raise!

As you should.

While you're at it,
I'll take one.

Sure, sweetheart.
Pew pew. Pew pew.

That's the walk of a man that
wishes I'd take him back.

I heard that!

He heard that.

Maybe I wanted you to.

Hey Chips!
Breakfast of champions.

f*ck! Hey Stephy!
What's cracking?

Hey, brother!

Today could be the day,
zero infractions.

Oh, let's hope. Oh!

Oh! Was that one?

Nothing unsafe about that.

That's called team spirit!

Yeah, it is.

Don't you f*ck this
up for me, Winky.

Hey Tase! Don't
just stand there,

put your hands
in your pockets!

Why stand when you can lean?

Why lean when you can sit?

Clocked in, tuned out.

Have a good shift, everyone.

Play safe!

Todd! Todd, Todd,
Todd, Todd, Todd.

Look at this.

We finally solved the mystery
of the eight-inch pube.

It's not a pube.

It's a hair off
the janitor's head.

Oh well thank f*ck!

I've been praying for
closure to that one.

You wash your hands?
- No.

.
No, no, no, no.
That came out of the pisser.

Go wash your hands!

Morning, sunshine!

Hey Chelsea.

Hell of a night
at Jimi's parity.

Yeah. Officially unionized.

Heres to progress.

Also, congrats.

You get to swing
the axe today.

It's your first official
layoff as General Foreman.

Well that was a
fun little 180.

Contract got pulled.

Initially it was four guys,
but I got it down to one,

so clock's ticking.

One? That's it?

Don't we have
apprentices sitting around

or travel cards visiting?

Retirees?

You're one head heavy.

You know the crews.

I'm sorry, but I need a name.

Can you do it?

Layoffs are your job, GF.

Okay, can I just-

No, you can't pick yourself.

Fuuuuuuck.

You're colon called.

It's scared.

It's unionized.

It's organizing a walkout
through my butthole.

At this point, I feel like
you're not even digesting food.

You're more brining yourself
from the inside out.

I taste the food then
the food tastes me.

Okay. You asked, I delivered.

This is colloidal silver.

This'll help get rid
of my lung whistle?

Oh yeah.

This stuff knocked the
tickle out of my throat

and opened my third eye.

This is the sh*t the FDA doesn't
want you to know about it.

Oh-h*-h*!

Try it! Whattaya gotta lose?

Come on, man. I'm telling ya!

Smells like a slot machine, man.

Is that fish?

Yes.
- Ugh!

It's hand-smoked mackerel
for my uncle Ezekiel.

.
Yeah, well now
everyone is smoked.

It's delicious. Look at it.

Oh, you microwaved
it in tinfoil?

You dummy!

No. That's precisely what
you're supposed to do with it.

That is literally
the one thing

you're not supposed to
put in a microwave.

It'll cause fireworks.

I need to show you some
Backwoods culture, okay?

This is the proper way.
- Who raised you?

Oh yeah, wolves.

Yeah, something's fishy and
it ain't that mackerel.

Oh yeah.

Bad herring, you think?

No. They...

Small sips! Small sips!

That Snax is a wild boy.

You know what?

You actually might
need a rabies shot.

Maybe.

I mean, what do you think?
You want to come with?

We'll make it a date.

You're asking me
on a rabies date?

f*ck yeah.

It's not my first shot
and it won't be my last

so you might as well
just come with me.

I'll get blasted and then
we'll go get some wings.

I do like sweet and spicy.

Yeah?
- Yeah.

Do you like it
like the weekend?

From what I remember,
it was okay.

What you remember?

Better than okay.
You know it, admit it.

You had fun.
Come on. You did.

Give it.
- Stop it.

Give it.
- I'm f*cking serious.

Reggie, I'm f*cking serious.
Okay?

What?
- This does not go beyond us.

You're his best friend.
I'm his f*cking sister.

I will not be
the toolbox talk.

No one here will know anything
about what happened between us.

Top of the morning, lovers!

f*ck off!

For f*ck sakes, Dew!

You f*cking snake!

Oh my God, Dewey!

That is right,
I know everything.

I told you.

What do you mean, "told me"?

He lives there!

The price for my silence
will be forty bucks.

What?!

However, I will not
delete the mental images.

Ew.

You're not extorting me,
Dewey.

I will f*ck your sh*t up!

Get him!

It's a bit aggressive
for a guilty conscience.

You give me $40 and I will-

I will handle this.
- I don't have $40.

I will give you a f*cking
punch in the ba*ls, Dewey,

and I will squeeze
your head off.

How does that sound?

Easy, big fella.

Imagine Todd's face when
he finds out his bestie

and his sister played the little
game of drill and fill, huh?

Okay, he's kinda got us.

f*ck you, Dewey!

Forty for your silence.

It's a good deal. Good deal.

Fine. Don't be like some
f*cking foot fungus

coming back next week, Dewey.

We expect your silence.

Yeah, well,
fungus is resilient.

Silence!

.
Okay, here we go.

Who's the most expendable?

Come on Tanner.
Come on Tanner.

Fuuuuuuuck!

All right.

I guess we let
the people decide.

Ladies!
- God!

Can't you see we're on
a banana break, Dewey?

.
Geezus, Dewey.

I have been entrusted with
something of an adult nature.

Hmm. Do tell.

How adult are we talking?

Triple X adult.

Maximum spicey.

Ooh, that's my favourite
level of spice.

And I'm the only
one that knows!

Not for long.

All right, who's up?

Oh, here we go.

Hey, Tan-Man.
- Hey.

Quick question.

How do you feel about
taking a long weekend?

Maybe back-to-back
long weekends?

And all the days in between?

Uh, I mean, I'd
love the time off.

Is it paid? I need the hours.

No, I was thinking
more voluntarily.

Oh. Well, I'm saving
up for a place of my own

'cause I still live at
home with my mom, man.

Oh, you do, do ya?

And she just got
a new boyfriend.

Right.

At night, I can't hear him,

but, ugh, I can sure
as hell hear her.

Okay.
- Oh f*ck.

Unless that is him.

I hope not.

I actually gotta be
somewhere different.

Didn't see the sign?

I saw it.

Whoa. Beauty.

What?
- What?

So listen, Roach,

what do you think about
taking some time off?

Uh, like a paid vacation?

No, it would just
be a vacation.

Oh I can't.

I'm two payments
behind on my dirt bike.

That's okay.

They said they'd
take my thumb

and this one's opposable so...

I guess you can't paint
without your thumb.

No.

f*ck sakes!

Hey man, you didn't even piss.

Oh!

Are you sure you don't
want a bit of time off?

Hell no.

Look at these delts.

They're not gonna
feed themselves.

Look at 'em.

Which ones are
the delts again?

I just can't do it.

I know too much
about their lives.

They all have stories.

Debts.

Pets that need surgeries.

A guy's mom having
sloppy, loud sex.

It's f*cked.

You're the GF, Todd.

Part of the job is
making hard calls.

Look, I know it sucks.

Just find the balance between
being a friend and a leader.

.
What does this
have to do...?

.
It's more than about
your piss, Roach,

it's everything!

Todd!

The f*ck?

Look at this.

If you trace the silver
supply chain backwards, bam!

That's where the airborne
microchips come in.

Right under our
ignorant little noses.

I was just asking why my
piss is so, uh, stinky.

Honest.

No, no, no, no. Look.
That's the detox piss, man.

It's the best kind of piss.

It's the number one
of number ones.

Now come on. Move!

Happy scrapbooking, boys.

f*ck you, Todd!

Good one.

And you're having a tough
time finding a candidate?

Crazy gets sh*t done.

Oh. Conch wouldn't be
Conch without crazy.

.
Watch that line, Leonard.

I'm not sure about
that calculation.

I used your theorem.

.
Not very well.

Leonard. Medhi?

Where are you?

Why are you on a necklace?

I'm supervising Leonard's
work from abroad.

My arms got tired,

so I made this Medhi strap-on.

Unfortunately, his
arms tire very easily.

What? Not that easily.

Well boys, if these
walls could talk...

I just alphabetized those!

What's our little
rat saying now?

No clue.

I don't tell tales
out of school.

.
Oh sure. Right, right, right.

Come on, Punky Dewster.

Spit it out.

But a certain lady carpenter

and her burly journeyman
have been 'erecting platforms'

after hours!

What?
- What?

Oh sh*t! Wait.

Ah! My connection glitched.

Ah, Leonard, elevate me.

Closer.

I want to study his eyes.

.
I'm telling you the truth.

You're thrown by
my droopy eye.

I was born with it.

I don't think so.

I don't think he's
telling the truth.

Hmmmm...

Tase!
- Ah!

f*ck, Dewey.

You can't tell anyone.

It's top secret.

Okay.

Auds and Bareback are doing
the horizontal fender-bender.

What?

He's putting his hammer
into her holster.

Say no more.

I am a vault.

But that is too big
of a secret to keep.

What do you mean?

That means I need fifty bucks.

Fifty bucks?
- Come on, Dewey.

That's the best rate I can
give you for my silence.

Are you serious?

You're blackmailing me?

Taxing gossip.

Hey, I accept
e-transfer or cash.

Thanks, bud.

Oh sh*t.

.
Everybody knows, Dewey.

People are talking, Dewey.

Not us, though.
We're confidential.

But not for free.
- What?

We heard you're paying
out hush money.

Hush money?

And what is it
that you want?

Mani-pedis. Shellac.

None of that cheap
clear coat sh*t.

.
Uh uh.

And a spray tan.
- What?

Like a full caramel glaze.

Caramel glaze?

Ca-ra-mel.

Oh my God.

This sh*t ain't cheap, Dewey.

We know you're good for it.

Yeah. We might, uh,
start feeling chatty.

You know, I look
after Snax now too.

I have to feed him and wash
him and that's on you.

It costs money.

You know, we got a
growing number of employees

interested in being paid

to keep their mouth
closed about that gossip.

I know! It's appalling.

I should probably
report this to Chelsea.

.
No!

No, don't do that.

Unless you'd be willing to
donate to my bulking regimen.

Would ya, Dewey?

Would ya?

.
Hey boss.

Are you okay?

I gotta lay someone off.

f*ck.

Look at these
beautiful b*stards.

How am I supposed to pick?

Who wants well-done
fresh off the torch?

.
Come on. Anyone?

.
You're almost there, bud.

Normally I'd know.

Sixty-seven.
Sixty-eight. Sixty-nine!

New record!

.
Way to go, Taser! Woo!

Todd, my man.

Whenever I've gotta be
a stone-cold bad b*tch,

I call in my alter ego,
Stephanie.

Oh yeah?
- Yeah.

This is Steph. You've met her.

This, however, is Stephanie.

There's a difference?

Oh there's a difference.

It's in the attitude.
Check this out.

Hey Tanner, your locker's
been compromised.

Clear it out.

Ah, f*ck me! Not again.

Go dead behind the eyes.

No blinking. No throat clears.

Monotone.

Find an attitude
that works for you.

Don't be f*cking Todd.

Be Toddrick.

Got it.
- Say it.

I'm Toddrick.
- I'm a stone-cold ba-

I'm a stone-cold bad b*tch!

Yeah you are, man.

You got this.

Gotta lay you off.

Hey Todd.

I can see your lips moving,

but all I can hear
is Nickelback.

Oh yeah.

Sometimes you gotta remove a
good stud to finish the wall.

What?

Your voice sounds
f*cking weird.

Oh, is this your attempt
at a 'boss man voice'?

I gotta lay you off.

That sucks for you, man...

'cause I ain't going nowhere.

f*ck my life!

Yeah, you're gonna have
to practice, Toddrick.

You couldn't lay off that.

Oh! She's all right!

You all right?

.
Yes! That's good.

Oh! Uh, due to recent
economic developments,

the price for my
silence has increased.

f*ck. You better not
have told anyone, Dewey.

I will screw you to the wall

and throw f*cking
knives at you.

You better not f*ck
this up for me!

What? Are you kidding?

Told anyone? Absolutely not.

I mean, my...
- Oh God. You told...

how many people
did you tell?

Hypothetically, if I
had told someone...

then I hypothetically would
now need some more money

to hypothetically not
tell more people?

'Cause you hypothetically have
me by the ba*ls right now...

How much more do you need?

Oh this'll do.

Oh, what the f*ck, Dewey?

Hey, you remember,

I know where you sleep.

Unfortunately for you, BDubs,

I now know where
you've been sleeping.

For f*ck sakes, Dewey.

.
No, Roach!

You can't chug
colloidal silver!

Put it down! No, Roach!

Get off me!

We gotta
get it out of him!

It tastes like burnt
sparkler, man.

We gotta purge it out of him

before he turns
into the Tin Man!

.
God! f*cking Heimlich.

What the hell's going on here?

No! You can't chug
colloidal silver!

Yeah, okay, but maybe don't
body slam the guy, Homer.

He's not gonna be okay.

Why aren't you helping?
- I'm eating.

He's gonna be really sick,
I'm telling ya.

Hey, stop that! Stop!

I'm sorry.

Homer, I'm laying you off.

Whoa.

Wait. What?

Ah, bummer, man.

Break it up!

Hey, come on!

Thanks for that, Tase.

Look, Maureen kicked me out.

She's worried if I
don't talk to someone,

I'm gonna build a bunker.

But I've already got a bunker.

So this would just
be, like, what?

Another bunker?

Are you seeing
someone about this?

Yeah. I mean, there's a group.

Deprogramming programming.

We meet every Thursday night in
the basement of this vape shop

and sometimes it's virtual but-

Okay.

Basically we all sit in a circle
and say the real stuff out loud.

Like [clears throat] 'chemtrails
might not actually exist'.

They don't.

Or the, the moon landing
might have actually happened.

It probably did.

It's been hard, man.

Where have you even staying?

I park my van outside
Bob's Hardware.

There's no nighttime security.

Okay.

.
Sometimes I sleep in my shed

or underneath the,
uh, lunchroom tables.

Are you serious?

.
The hum of the fridge
helps me sleep.

Plus, just knowing your food's
safe in there, you know?

See, I, I really think
you need some time off.

I can't laid off, you
corporate bobblehead!

I got Maureen and
the kids to support!

I get it and I hate this,

but I also have to do my job.

You assaulted Roach today

and you probably
f*cking poisoned him.

Like, that is not good.

What kind of a f*cking
idiot chugs colloidal...?

.
Homer.

No, you're right.

You're right.
Sorry. I'll just leave.

.
Listen, Homer.

That being said,

my WiFi has been on the fritz.

So call your cable company.

Nah. I think it's
a Homer problem.

My garage has a futon.

I mean, Dewey sleeps
out there too...

hums in his sleep.

But it might match the same
frequency as the fridge.

You troubleshoot
my Wi-Fi network,

I'll float you a few bucks

and as soon as we need manpower,
you're back on my crew.

So you got a bunker?

Yeah, but it's mostly just
for our winter clothes

and Christmas decorations.

.
sh*t!

Ow! Oh my God!

Oh! Sorry!

Are you f*cking kidding me?

.
Sorry.

Todd is still up.

No he's not.

He's sleeping on the couch.

Look, I made these
for you myself.

What are those?

They're handcrafted and
beautiful like you.

I made them out of beer
tabs and deer teeth.

You can call them...
Beerings or Deerings,

whatever you want.

Reggie, you really
shouldn't be here.

You don't f*cking listen.

I listened.

I just didn't agree.

Dewey?

Oh.
- f*cking solid.

Are you on our side now?

Hi, Dew worm.

Thanks, blood.

After you, Romeo.

Ugh.
- Oh yeah.

What'd you have? Nachos?

Close. Tacos.
That'll teach you.

Don't ever blackmail me again.

I've definitely got
pink eye in my future.

It's better than
two black eyes.

I'm coming in.
- It took you long enough.

.
Easy does it. Oh, oh, okay.

.
Watch it.

.
Watch the Deerings.

Wonder what Todd's up to.

♪ I'm not ready to go! ♪

♪ I'm not ready to go! ♪

♪ I'm not ready to go! ♪

♪ I'm not ready to go! ♪

♪ Are you unhappy,
or are you low?

♪ I should be leaving but
I'm not ready to go ♪

♪ I'm not ready to go! ♪

I love our banana break time.

Oh, me too.

♪ I'm not ready to go! ♪

♪ I'm not ready to go! ♪

♪ I'm not ready to go!

♪ I'm not ready to go!

♪ Even if you think I'm crazy

♪ Drunk and stoned

♪ I don't wanna be
messed up alone ♪

♪ There's nothing
wrong here ♪