01x03 - I Will Light You on Fire

[bunniefuu]

[ragged breathing]

[eerie music playing]

[ragged breathing continues]

[door creaking]

[ragged breathing continues]

[doo-wop music
playing over radio in distance]

[squelching]

Good.

[exhales]

[door creaking]

[suspenseful music playing]

[door creaking]

[eerie music playing]

[ragged breathing]

[breathing quickens]

[eerie music intensifies]

[clock chiming]

[ragged breathing continues]

[breathing intensifies]

[music crescendos]

[alarm beeping]

-[yawning]
-[alarm stops]

[alarm beeping]

["Getting k*lled" by Geese playing]

♪ I can't even taste my own tears ♪

♪ They fall into ♪

♪ An even sadder b*stard's eyes ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm… I'm a TV on the road ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm… I'm getting up to leave ♪

You don't know what it means to me that
you've all welcomed me into your family,

and I just want to say thank you.

And, um…

Nothing. I just…
I hope you can forgive me.

[pop ballad playing over radio]

I don't really play with toys
like this anymore.

I want a video camera. A nice one.

Oh, well, I don't…
It was just more of a… a gesture.

Write it in a card instead.

That's actually a good idea.

There's card stock in the junk drawer.

[drawer closes]

Thanks.

-[eerie music playing]
-[ragged breathing]

[pop ballad playing over radio, muffled]

[ragged breathing quickens]

[gasps]

[man] Sorry, ma'am.

[Rachel, muffled] Holy f*ck!

[ragged breathing continues]

[Rachel] Hi. Who are you talking to?

I'm just on hold with, um, neurosurgery
at Johns Hopkins.

I talked to this guy at UCSF.
He was, like, a total d*ck.

But there's this world-renowned surgeon
in Paris I'm gonna try next.

-He's done promising new research.
-Why?

To help my mom.

Honey, I don't think
she's looking for help.

You know what I realized?
It's a brain tumor.

You know, I think the tumor,
it's, like, messing with her head.

It's, uh…
it's, like, clouding her judgment.

You know, I just… It makes total sense.

You know, she's doing fine.

She seems like herself,

except for this one insane decision
she's made, and I just…

[exhales]

She doesn't need to die.

She needs the best neurosurgeon
in the world.

And I don't know why
Jules isn't calling everyone he knows.

Actually, he might know someone
who knows this doctor at Sinai.

-Take a shower and get dressed.
-I'm in the middle of something.

-This is important!
-Nicky.

This is the most important thing to me.

[keypad clicking]

Let's postpone the wedding.

[clicking stops]

[pensive music playing]

Are you serious?

No, so you can focus
on the most important thing to you.

I didn't mean it like that. I…

I don't mean it like that either. I mean
that your mom dropped a huge b*mb on you,

and yeah, it is more important
than the wedding. And…

I don't know. Maybe we don't want
to get married under these circumstances.

Come here.

[Nicky exhales]

[kissing]

[Nicky] Who's that?

[Rachel] Mmm?

Who's that little guy? [chuckles]

[Rachel] Oh… [clears throat]

This is my dumb apology for, like,
tactlessly unearthing your family secret.

[Nicky sighs]

We can have the wedding
as planned this week.

This doesn't change anything for us.

Yeah.

But it does, like…

It does change a lot.

I'm not gonna let it
get in the way of our wedding.

I'm with you.

-Really?
-Mm-hmm. I'm with you.





-[Rachel chuckles]
-[door opens]

-[Nicky] What?
-Oh! Portia!

Where's the dress? It needs to be altered.

I have 500 things I have to do.
Nicky, stop touching her!

The table man delivered eight tables--

-Nicky, stop. Ew!
-I'm helping.

-The caterer needs the menu finalized.
-[Rachel] Okay, let me help you.

What?

Let me help you.

The dress is in there.

Nicky's suit is in there.
What else do you need?

By the way, I haven't gotten
to say thank you, Portia, for--

I saw your cake.

-Oh, yeah.
-And I read your card.

You know what's weird?
I have to ask you something.

-[floorboards creaking]
-You thought we were gonna k*ll you?

No offense, but that's kind of
an insane conclusion to draw.

Did someone try to k*ll you once
or something?

-No. No.
-Then why did you think that?

It's just how my brain works.

-[creaking continues]
-[exhales]

Like, right now, I… I feel like
there's someone standing behind this door.

[creaking continues]

[eerie music playing]

[door creaking]

[Portia] I googled you, you know.

It's like you don't even exist.

No social media, no LinkedIn,
not even, like, high school sports stats.

Either you didn't play sports,
or you weren't good.

[Rachel] I was homeschooled, actually.

So I played the sport of, like,
trying not to be a total freak. [chuckles]

But I don't think that it worked.

[Portia chuckles]
Yeah, I'm like the opposite.

I never thought anyone
was trying to k*ll me.

[door opens]

[creaking]

[eerie music playing]

-[Rachel] Whoa, when did all this happen?
-[Portia] Hey. Hey.

What is this?
It's supposed to be live-edge cedar.

These are like sticks.

[chuckles] This is a tasteful wedding,
not the Blair Witch Project.

[man] This is what you ordered.
Rustic beechwood.

[Portia] Rustic beechwood. [chuckles]

Look around you, man.
I don't see a f*cking beach. Um…

The wedding theme is forest of love.
Could I talk to Dominick?

[man] He doesn't do consults after
his work's been approved. You approved.

[Portia] Well, no, I didn't approve this.
This is not my vision.

Hey, Portia. Come here. Look.

I… I think that this…
this is actually gonna look really nice.

-No.
-Yeah, it is. It is.

They're gonna do that thing here.

And I think, I mean, they have a plan.
You guys have a plan.

Of course we have a plan.

This stick goes there,
that stick goes there.

-I'm not tipping him.
-[man] It makes an arch.

Portia, I think the flowers
look really nice.

-I think that's gonna look nice too--
-These aren't the flowers, Rachel.

Mmm… What?

Well, they're fake. They're fake.
The real ones come day of.

[chuckling] What? Portia, that's crazy.

These are… these are perfectly arranged.

They're ready to go.
Why don't we just use these?

We obviously need real flowers, Rachel.

Do you want your wedding
to look like a hospital waiting room?

God, I did this arrangement in advance
so I could actually see it.

We've always envisioned
a winter wedding at Somerhouse.

Went back and forth
about the color scheme.

Rust, sage, evergreen, and white.

But there is just too much rust
and not enough sage. Here, take these.

I think it's…

They look pretty perfect to me.

[Portia] You can't be trusted
with flowers.

You brought white lilies, funeral flowers.

-f*ck.
-[Portia] Of course you didn't know.

Apparently you grew up homeschooled
in some ditch or something.

[intriguing music playing]

Whoa. [chuckles]

-Thanks.
-You know, I don't understand you at all.

Who's your maid of honor?
What's your walk song?

Do you have anyone
to walk you down the aisle?

It's okay, Portia. You really… You…

-You don't have to worry about this.
-I do have to worry about it.

Because you're not worried,
and someone has to f*cking worry.

Okay.

Okay. I will

walk myself down the aisle.

I don't know. I don't know what song yet,
but I promise you I will… I will pick one.

Okay?

Will you be my maid of honor?

Would you do that for me?

The caterer called, and they don't have
everyone's final meal choice, so…

Okay. Great.

Then I will ask everyone here
what they want. What are the options?

Chicken or fish.

-Okay. And veggie option?
-I will light you on fire.

[disturbing music playing]

[knocking on door]

Come in. You can help me.

[fire crackling]

Which do you think best captures…

Oh my God.

…his spirit?

[Rachel chuckles]

He's so cute.

This one.

Oh! Oh, I don't have one of you.

-Oh, no. Don't worry. That's totally fine.
-Mm-mm, mm-mm.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Please. I don't…

I don't want to disturb you.
I just wanted to ask you if…

if you wanted

chicken or fish for the wedding?

I want to be buried with my whole family.

[camera clicks, whirring]

[exhales]

Do you want it?

I'm… I'm getting rid of my attachment
to all things.

-Thanks.
-[Victoria] Mm-hmm.

[blowing]

Do you know where Dr. Cunningham is?

He's probably in his dungeon
working on the dog.

Now that he's finished the grave,
he needs something else to fixate on.

Oh, and that's all right if that's how
he wants to spend his last days with me.

[Victoria sighs]

[Rachel] Can I ask you something?

Do you think that everyone

is dealing okay? I mean, with…

[inhales]

…with your death?

Well… [chuckles] …how could they be?
I mean…

Well, you know, they could be talking
to each other about it.

They could be leaning on each other.

They could be processing it all with you.

[pensive music playing]

There are doulas for these situations,
someone who can help you--

[Victoria] Have you dealt with it?

With what? With your death?

With yours. Your mother's, I mean.

My mother died before I knew her.
There was nothing left to deal with.

Well, I know that

you grew up without a mother.

But it would be naive to think that
just because you didn't know your mother,

you don't have to deal with all this.

It doesn't go away
if you close your eyes real tight.

You didn't just suddenly exist.
You came from…

somewhere, and when you die,
you will leave somewhere behind.

"There was nothing left"?

You are what's left.

I'll have both.

Chicken and fish. Why not?

[ragged breathing]

[disturbing music playing]

-["Only One" by Eilen Jewell playing]
-♪ Baby, why am I missing you ♪

♪ When I ought to be kissing you? ♪

♪ Tell me our love has just begun ♪

♪ You're my only one… ♪

[drawer slams]

[song playing over radio]

[Nell] You shouldn't sleep in the bathtub.

I wasn't sleeping.

[Nell] I had to give a girl CPR once
in college.

I had to give her
chest compressions and everything.

Yeah, that is what CPR is.

[Nell] The girl drowned, Jules.

Guess how.

She fell asleep in the bathtub.

I know. You've told me that before.

I already know everything
that's ever happened to you.

Do you wanna know
why Rachel thought we were gonna k*ll her?

I don't know. She's got something f*ck
going on with her.

I bet you like that, don't you?

Your Sorry Man.

Nell, what about me soaking quietly
in a bathtub makes you go,

"Let me come in here and stab Jules
over and over again with a toothpick

till he bleeds to death."

That's what it's like with you. [chuckles]

Portia's the one
who told her about The Sorry Man.

Portia always has to be
the center of attention.

Portia's the one who f*cked everything up.
No one ever blames Portia for anything.

[inhales]

Whatever.

Whatever. [chuckles]

[mumbles] Whatever.

And it's not my fault Nicky gets off
on damaged, self-absorbed girls.

He's a simp for girls
who walk all over him. [chuckles]

He thinks he's fixing them.

[chuckling]

I'm just trying to be at peace.

Why are you disturbing my peace?

It's bath time.

You used to be nicer.

Oh, baby, you want nice?
You should have married the other one.

[both chuckling]

But that's the thing, Nellie.
You don't want nice.

Because I hate to break it to you.

You're not actually nice either.

And you couldn't stand to watch Nicky
take the punches.

You want someone who punches back.
It's true.

Sometimes nice is nice.

Well, I'm sometimes nice.

[pensive music playing]

[chuckling]

What?

Say it.

Didn't we say that in our vows?
That we'd always be honest no matter what?

Oh! We've really stuck to our vows,
haven't we?

Say it.

[intriguing music playing]

[inhaling] Say it.

Say it.

Say it.

Or drown me.

Drown me.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. [panting]

Oh, sorry. Oh my God.
Oh my God. Sorry. Sorry.

[Nell] No. Don't go. One moment.

-[Nell exhales]
-[panting]

[Nell] Okay. You want me to say it.

Your mother will be gone in a month,

and you haven't dealt with it.

You've never really dealt with anything,
have you?

Not your last failed marriage,
not this jealous brother bullshit,

and not your maybe fictitious,
maybe real serial k*ller

who's been haunting you
since you were Jude's age,

which is exactly how old you were
when you stopped growing up.

You need to deal with your sh*t, yeah?

Because things will start slipping away
all around you.

Are you who you want your son to be,
Julian?

Yes! What do you want?

Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.
I just… Uh, it's… it's really stupid.

I didn't realize he was in the tub.

That was really nice,
what you did with the cake.

[Jules] Really nice.
Nellie likes 'em nice.

Ignore him.
It's the key to a healthy marriage.

It's actually stupid.
The caterer needs to know

if you guys want chicken or fish
for the wedding.

Uh, chicken.

Rachel, have you written your vows?

Uh, no, not yet. I…

-I haven't.
-Here's the key to a healthy marriage.

[smacks tongue]

In our vows, Nellie and I promised to
always be honest, so I mean it when I say,

"Baby, sometimes I fantasize
about hiring someone to k*ll you."

Oh, babe.

So even in your fantasies,
you don't do anything yourself?

[gasps]

[laughing]

What's the fish,
and how's the chicken prepared?

I don't know.

You don't know? 'Cause I can't answer
until I have all the information.

Don't be a d*ck. He'll have the fish.

You should really write your vows.

-Sorry.
-Sorry.

-[dog barking]
-[Jude] What are you looking at?

What's in here?

Jude.

I got you something.

-I think there's someone in here.
-[dog whining]

-Huh?
-I think there's someone in there.

[Rachel] Hey. No, it's okay.

I… I know the feeling,
but there's… there's no one back there.

Why would it be locked? [panting]

[Rachel] Here.

-[Jude] See?
-[Rachel groans]

I don't know, but sometimes
it's better not to open a locked door,

because there might be something in there
that's not meant for you. Hey, look.

Hey?

[chuckles] Yeah?

I mean, it's not new or nice,

but it was once considered
new and nice. So…

-[Jude] Let's go, buddy.
-[dog panting]

That's something.

[footsteps receding]

[intriguing music playing]

[lock grinding]

[Nicky] She's not thinking clearly
because of the brain tumor.

You're giving up? That's it?

-Throw in the towel…
-[Rachel] Sorry.

…on a 40-year marriage, on a human life,
on Mom's life, on your family.

You're just… you're done. You give up.

I am not giving up, Nicky.

Uh… in my marriage,
we make decisions together.

I'm not a witness to
your mother's decision. I am a part of it.

I'm standing by my wife.

I'm embracing my last moments with her,

continuing a tradition
that was established by her father.

Sorry, by skinning a dog?

Rachel.

[Dr. Cunningham sighs]

You got engaged.

You called us.

You didn't want to have a big wedding.

You just wanted to do something here
with the family.

Your mother was happy.

She didn't want to ruin your wedding,

so she planned this
for after your wedding.

It is so difficult to get family together,
and this is to be her final celebration.

It is, uh… her dying wish.

And you two are not gonna ruin it for her.
Understood?

This involves all of us.
It's not just her decision.

-Understood?!
-Okay, how do I call a family meeting?

-[Nicky] A what?
-A family meeting. How do I call one?

Can I do that?

[intriguing music playing]

[Rachel] Again, I'm so sorry
for my misunderstanding.

And maybe I am totally out of line
by doing this,

but I imagine that close families like you

can talk to each other
about your feelings.

I know that I'm new to the family dynamic,
but I've… I've realized that

it was your plan to use our wedding

as a surrogate living funeral.

But because most of you
haven't done much processing,

the wedding has now become
a highly pressurized distraction

from what is really going on.

And I think that maybe we should do
something about it, or else…

we shouldn't have a wedding at all.

Um, she can't do that.

[Jules] I knew this would happen.

Just let her talk.

[Rachel] It doesn't make sense
to carry on like it's no big deal.

Couching your death inside of our wedding
without talking about it,

it's… it's not going to be what you want.

What do you think? Can we do something
to process all of this? Can we…

Can we try it?

[Nicky] Yeah.

[inhales] Yeah, let's, um…
let's try it, guys.

I don't understand what she's getting at.

Are you suggesting you cancel the wedding
because of our dying mother?

Because that seems a little unfair.

Okay, good.

Uh, no, I'm… I'm not saying that.

I'm saying that I think that we need
a forum for you to say what you feel

ahead of the wedding
so it's not a disaster

and you can all actually
have some peace around it.

I think that was a good start.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

You want us to do family therapy
led by you.

No offense, but a stranger, basically.

Well, isn't that what a therapist is?
A stranger?

Are you a therapist?

-She's getting her doctorate.
-Oh, in what?

-Behavioral psychology.
-You're a therapist?

No, I'm a behavioral psychologist.
Uh, almost.

-Have you studied your own behavior?
-[Nicky] Jules…

-Be respectful.
-[Jules] I am being respectful.

[Dr. Cunningham sighs]

What… what are we gonna do, Rachel?
Sit in a circle and hold hands and cry?

Well, that…
that would be better than nothing. Yeah.

Where are you getting your doctorate?

U of I.

-Oh, I went to Northwestern.
-[Rachel] Cool.

So is there something
you wanna say to your mother

before you no longer have
the opportunity to?

[chuckling]

Um… Um…

Go ahead.

[inhales, exhales]

[Jules] Uh…

No.

Okay.

[inhales]

So is there anything
anyone wants to say to Mrs. Cunningham

before she's no longer with us?

Why don't we… why don't we do this?
Why don't we all take some time alone?

Really… really alone. Sit with yourself.

Think about what you want to say
or write it down or be prepared to say it.

Do what you need to do, and then we can…

We can all come back together. Yeah?

[somber music playing]

That was good. Okay.

Nell, can you come with me?

Yeah.

[lens whirring]

[birds cawing]

-[trees creaking]
-[birds cawing]

[Nell] That was more impressive
than you realize.

[Rachel] It's not. It's just very obvious
that they're failing to cope.

[Nell] No. I meant stealing the spotlight
from Queen V.

[Rachel] I didn't steal it.

Yes. You've only been here two days,
and everyone's doing everything you ask.

She's like…

[snow crunching underfoot]

…sort of a narcissist, isn't she?

Sort of? Didn't she just turn your wedding
into her funeral?

-Right. [chuckles]
-[chuckles]

Yeah.

-[chuckling] What?
-[chuckles]

You don't take compliments well.

Sorry, what part of that was a compliment?

-The funeral wedding?
-When I said you were impressive!

Oh my God, that's… Uh…
Who… who does take compliments well?

I take compliments well.

Go ahead.

[chuckles]

I don't know, it's, like, kind of a

bad omen to get married
during a death ceremony, so…

-Good thing you're not superstitious then.
-Yeah, good thing, good thing.

Good thing I haven't had
this awful feeling ever since I got here

that something bad is gonna happen.

Yeah, but this is a bad thing, isn't it?
Victoria's death.

No, it's… it's something else.

-Okay.
-The feeling hasn't… gone away.

I'll keep an eye out for other bad things.

-[rope creaking]
-[fabric flapping]

-There's one.
-Oh.

[chuckles]

What?

I was worried that you'd be,
like, an evil b*tch who hated me

for marrying your ex, but you're not. So…

Okay.
You don't give compliments well either.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

[inhales] So what the f*ck
are we gonna do with this?

[Rachel] Sometimes it's easier
to speak truthfully

if you don't have to look
someone in the eye.

-So you will talk to that.
-Gotta be quiet. They're having a meeting.

[somber music playing]

You'll each go around

and tell it how you feel,

and it will absorb your pain

and grief, and

then we will release it.

Okay.

Who wants to go first?

[Nell] I can go.

"Victoria."

"You're an incredible woman."

"You are the Cunningham family,

and you will leave a hole in this family
that shouldn't be filled,

not only because it would be impossible
but because this is the end of an era

and it should be honored as one."

"Your presence, strength,
and unwavering courage

have shaped us in ways
we will carry forever."

Um…

I've always, uh, revered you and Dad

and your life together and your marriage

and the way you…
devote yourselves to each other.

And I always wanted
to follow in your footsteps,

and I hope I'm doing that,

because I see the way
that you protect each other,

and you've taught me the value
in understanding someone so well

you know how to shield them from pain.

I know we haven't always
seen eye to eye. Um…

I hope you love me
for my flaws and missteps.

I, uh… I have found a way
to love you for yours.

I love you, Mom, and… and I'll miss you.

The time we missed two days in Santorini

because of my failure to admit
that I'd been wrong…

and missing your 32nd birthday
for an inconsequential business trip.

I am

terribly, terribly sorry.

I will make sure that
my future children know you.

I will make sure
to keep family traditions alive.

I will take care of Somerhouse.

I will make sure
you live on forever in our hearts

and in the hearts of those who knew you.

I know that we only just met,
and… [exhales]

…I'm very sorry to lose you.

You've been such a great mother to Nicky,
and, you know,

I think it's… it's true
what you said about

children absorbing their mothers
and vice versa.

[disturbing music playing]

[eerie music playing]

[Jude] This is the cake Rachel bought
to say sorry

for thinking we're a family of murderers.

[lens whirring]

[Rachel] Nicky is so loving
because of you.

And he's so lucky
that he had you and Dr. Cunningham

to show him where he came from

and how to love and how to be loved.

[Jude] Why… why is this door open?

[creaking]

[breathing heavily]

[creaking]

[Rachel] I'm so glad
that Nicky absorbed that from you

and that he got to grow up
with this unconditional love.

I can't imagine what that's like.

[Jude] This is where Papa
honors the dead animals.

He says the dogs can see.

[lens whirring]

[lens whirring]

[objects rattling]

[breathing quickens]

[objects rattling]

[dramatic sting]

[disturbing music playing]

[silence]

[ragged breathing]

[gasps]

[ragged breathing quickens]

[Rachel screams, muffled]

[tense music playing]

[attacker grunts]

[attacker exhales]

[music fades]

[sinister music playing]

[music ends]