02x07 - God closes a door, opens a glory hole

[bunniefuu]

[JOYCE] Oh, my God,

you're proposing to Tina?

There's a whisper campaign

that a good number of our

readers are h*m*.

A bathhouse more men

than we know what to do with.

I don't see how this slots

into a women's magazine.

But we need to be friends.

- No more you know.

- I love friends.

Friends are the family you choose,

and you don't have sex with family.

[SHELLY] Let me introduce

you to my new friend Doreen.

- Professor Merim.

- Wait, you're Professor Merim?

Oh, God.

You brought Constance in.

You pitched her the global vision.

- And you should run the thing.

- Ah.

I'm going to be running the entire

Minx International Division.

Hey, why didn't you tell

me about Minx International?

Constance made me promise

not to tell anybody.

Well, I'm not anybody, okay?

Would you mind signing this for me?

I can't live like this, Ma!

Yeah, run away, you little sh*t.

Just like your father.

Where do you think you're going?

Are you going to that hussy's house?

You make me sick.

- [TIRES SQUEAL]

- [YELPS]

[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[RICHIE] Three four, five

six f*ck!

How are there so many?

Why did we do a car issue?

Maybe it was an accident.

It doesn't matter.

It was vehicular manslaughter.

Ugh, we got him with his d*ck

draped over the m*rder weapon.

I don't know, these just don't look

like the eyes of a mom-slaughterer.

[RICHIE] How are we

supposed to fill these?

Our print deadline's at midnight.

Maybe Joyce has a fix.

Oh, wait, she's at that thing

in the woods with Tina and Constance.

No phones.

Should we call

[LEE HAZLEWOOD'S "COLD

HARD TIMES" PLAYING]

[BIRD TWEETING]

[LEE] Selling yesterday's dreams ♪

Wrapped in tomorrow's paper ♪

[SIGHS] I've been

thinking about Dad lately.

[PHONE RINGS]

Doug Renetti.

[LEE] It's a cold ♪

Hard ♪

World, love ♪

These are cold, hard times ♪

[JOYCE] In the moment, they seemed like

adjustments, you know,

just small compromises,

but then when I saw

that Rolling Stone cover,

I realized I've been heading in

a direction I never intended

- Going the wrong way.

- [JOYCE] Exactly.

Oh.

What would I do without you? [CHUCKLES]

Die of dehydration at

the bottom of a ravine?

Anyway, all that to say

that I know I've been a

little hard to pin down lately,

but I'm rededicating

myself to the cause.

You have my complete focus on

launching Minx International.

You know, I think if we get

the right editors in place,

we could really change the world.

I just want to see the world.

I'm gonna move to Paris,

show my mom porn really does pay.

[JOYCE LAUGHS]

How'd it go with Doug?

What, when I told him

about Minx International?

Good. He was happy for me.

Kinda mad I didn't tell him sooner.

Well, I'm thrilled.

You know, I just

I never should've promised him the job

before checking with Constance.

That was I just got

ahead of myself there.

It was my mistake.

Right.

Well, I mean, how would you have known

she'd already offered it to me?

And Doug's totally on board.

A win for me is a win for us.

Great.

Uh, this really is quite, uh

are we really gonna ask everybody

to tr*mp through the woods like this?

Constance said the interview

begins the moment they arrive.

It's how we see the whole woman.

[HORSE WHINNIES]

[SOFT WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS]

Ah, my rancheritas.

Just coming to check on your progress.

We got a long, long climb ahead of us.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Chip, chop! Hey!

- Okay, we should

- Okay.

- We should hustle.

- Yep.

[JOYCE] Your property is

breathtaking, Constance.

It's so kind of you to host.

Rancho Peregrino is

where Yorgi and I made

all our important decisions.

Little hacienda up in the clouds,

far from the clack and clang.

[HORSE NEIGHS]

Could we have driven up here?

Oh, sure, but then you wouldn't

have had the whole experience.

[JOYCE SCOFFS]

♪

[SIGHS]

Oh, come on. One

m*rder? This is nothing.

Yeah, but if we miss our deadline,

something bad with numbers

happens that only Tina understands.

We don't need Tina or Joyce.

The three of us used to put

out issues in a tight 45.

That is vintage Bottom Dollar, right?

So what do we gotta do, fill 12 pages?

Richie, what do we got to pull up?

Shelly's still recovering

from her trip back east.

Maybe Bella can swoop

in and save the day.

LaRouche. I love it. A

couple ads for Minx merch.

Maybe throw in a retrospective,

replay some of our centerfolds

Over my dead body.

[DOUG] Hey, there are no bad ideas.

Yes, there are.

Okay, well, what do you got?

I mean, we just did a double issue.

Every idea went

God closes a door, opens a glory hole.

The bathhouse. Set already exists.

We can book the models on-site,

sh**t a half dozen setups.

- In and out, four hours max.

- And everyone gets a schvitz.

This is what I'm talking about.

Great. Bambi, activate the phone tree.

Emerald Springs in Silver Lake.

- On it.

- And I'll call and I'll make 'em an offer so big

that it'll d*ck-slap the "no"

right out of their mouths.

D-don't say that, though.

[BAMBI GIGGLES]

[JOYCE SIGHS] Goose bumps, you know?

All these women from

every corner of the globe

here to spread our

message to the masses.

Okay, uh, where should we start?

Mission statements, bios

Constance had something a bit

more unconventional in mind.

Super. [LAUGHS]

I'm all ears.

Ladies.

Bienvenidas. Willkommen. Welcome.

We are so eager to get to

know you over a lovely meal.

Please open your baskets.

Is this an earring?

- [YELPS]

- [WOMAN GASPS]

I know you may have been expecting ham

or peanut butter and jelly,

but everything you need to improvise

a beautiful woodland

feast is right before you.

Bon appétit.

Um, are you sure they're

gonna go for this?

These girls are hungry for a shot

at running their own magazine,

just like you used to be.

Yeah. Yeah.

I guess I would've eaten bugs for that.

There is normal food

for us, though, right?

Hey, Bambs, has somebody

been using my office?

Yeah, Constance set up shop

while you were out with

your sleeping sickness.

Owner's name is Walt. Give him the moon.

You got it.

Hi, Daniel. We're going to the baths.

No, for work.

Rex m*rder*d his mom allegedly.

- [LINE RINGING]

- [SNIFFS]

[WALT] Emerald Springs. Walt speaking.

Hey, Walt, this is Doug

Renetti over at Minx magazine.

We're in a bit of a pickle,

and I-I think you're just the guy

who can get us out of the jar.

[WALT] What can I do

for you, Mr. Renetti?

I'm s-I'm sorry, can you

hold for just one moment?

- [CHUCKLES]

- [WALT] Of course.

Thank you.

[UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[JOYCE] So this is all a metaphor

for the-the trials of

the editorial process.

No, it's not a metaphor for anything.

It's to see if they can

make lunch in the woods.

You know, delegation,

communication, coalition building.

That is an obvious

disqualification. She's cheating.

[CONSTANCE] Or she just came prepared.

I'd k*ll for a BLT.

Of course, as we move into Europe,

I'd love to explore each

region's feminist forbears.

You know, your Hildegard of Bingens

oh, how could I forget

Argula von Grumbach

[LIESL] Shh!

- Oh!

- [RABBIT SQUEALING]

- You caught something!

- [RABBIT CRIES]

I wonder what

Was rabbit.

What an illuminating session.

[TINA] Mm-hmm.

Absolutely.

I just, uh, have some questions

about, uh I don't know, anything

[LAUGHS]

related to actually

editing a magazine.

Um, Tina, you must have a few questions

about their basic math skills?

Sure, I could ask them a

question or two about budgets.

That's a death cap, love.

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

- See, I like her.

- Me too.

She gave me half her sandwich

and a recommendation letter

from Princess Margaret.

Come on, we have 24

incredible women here.

We want to make sure we're

choosing the right ones.

Agreed.

And we're down to 20.

Three quit. One is unaccounted for.

- Uh

- Oh, don't worry.

We gave them whistles.

[UPBEAT DISCO MUSIC PLAYS]

[RICHIE] Oh, thank you

so much for doing this.

Oh!

Are you kidding? The boys love Minx.

Most of them flipped when I

told them you were on your way.

- [MEN CHATTERING]

- Word travels fast.

All right.

Anyone willing to show their face

and pecker to the world,

follow me to the pool.

And for those who want to

keep their privates private,

we have snacks and

poppers in the lounge.

Is this where people have sex?

It's a locker room. So yes.

Oh, fun. [LAUGHS]

[RICHIE] Ah, thanks for hustling in

last-minute, Shelly, honestly.

Now, I know you have your

hands full at the moment,

but I need to read what you

have as soon as you finish.

I've never written on a deadline before.

I'm not sure if I can bang it out.

Well, I'm already adopting the lingo.

- Whatever. We're desperate.

- Oh.

Come on, boys. Paradise awaits.

[LAUGHTER AND CHATTER]

[TINA CHUCKLES]

[TAPPING AT WINDOW]

[WHISPERING] I need to talk to you.

Connie is a butcher, Tins.

She's just being nice to our faces.

She's just fattening us

up so she can unload us.

Can't you see that?

Look. Look at what I got.

If you don't believe me, look.

She left this in my office.

[SCOFFS]

It's just a bunch of numbers with

is that the word "closure"?

Disclosure. It has to be disclosure.

And that's what you need

to file in order to sell.

She is going to f*ck us.

Okay. Say it's true.

Why would Constance leave

that in your trash can?

Because there's nothing we can do.

The deal's already over.

So flying in a bunch of up-and-comers,

hosting them in her home,

right before she sells the company?

Look, I can tell you're not

taking me seriously, Tins,

but there is something

fishy with this woman,

and you have to help me stop her.

You been drinking with your bird again?

No.

Well, that doesn't prove anything.

- You're grasping at straws.

- [KNOCK AT DOOR]

- It does

- [CONSTANCE] Yoo-hoo!

I found these in the

garret, and I think that

Douglas, I didn't realize

you'd be joining us.

Oh, no, I-I forgot my toiletry bag,

and he just brought it.

Now he's leaving.

- You got everything you need?

- I do.

- Okay. Sorry to interrupt.

- Thanks, babe.

I'll let you guys get back to it.

- Okay.

- Bye.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Um, just over hi.

Oh.

- Oh! Excuse me greatly.

- [MAN MOANING]

[BOTH MOANING]

That's a lot of business.

[ALL MOANING]

Ope, four's company. [LAUGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Mary, you look lost.

Is there a place I

could do a little typing,

you know, undisturbed?

Oh, you're with the magazine.

- I got just the spot.

- Okay.

You should come back on

Thursday for ladies' night.

Bring your girlfriend.

Oh, um, I don't have a girlfriend.

You and me both.

Chris Isherwood comes once a week,

mostly for sex, but he's

always inspired after.

[SHELLY] Oh.

You might want to take

a walk every 15 minutes,

- get some fresh air.

- Okay, great. Thank you.

Hey, hey, no touching. [CLAPS]

Can you all just Bambi?

- Here to do my job.

- [RICHIE] Can you tell the guys

to keep their hands to themselves?

We gotta leave room for imagination.

Sex negative. Got it.

Hey, why am I still seeing shadows?

Because this was a last-minute sh**t

and I'm not a magician.

Fine, I'll get another light.

Hi. Everything's on schedule.

Should be out of your hair in no time.

Hey, no touching!

Yeah, you're, uh, really

doing a number on this place.

You know, I only said yes

to the huckster on the phone

because I thought with one of us

behind the camera,

we'd be in good hands.

No, you are.

I've been prepping this for months.

If all you wanted was tubs and tiles,

you could've just shot at the YMCA.

I wanted to bring people to the baths,

but Minx readers have an expectation.

We have to maintain a certain look.

- A house style.

- As-as do we.

Um, and I thought you

were here to capture that.

Mm, you're the expert.

[ANIMALS CALLING IN DISTANCE]

[DOUG] Psst. Prigger. Prigger.

Doug. What are you doing here?

[WHISPERING] Something is brewing.

We're all in danger.

- Danger from what?

- From Constance.

She's stripping Bottom Dollar for parts.

We're on the block.

You need to help me stop her

before it's too late, okay?

Okay, Doug, that's

that's not what's

That's what's happening. Please.

Okay. Just hang on.

Thank you.

I know that you've had

some disappointment,

and a certain amount of

that is my responsibility

This is not about you. Can't

you see what's happening?

She's taking control.

She's boxing us out.

Yeah, it's her company.

But it-but it's still my magazine.

And she's taking it places that

I never even dreamed possible.

And yeah, okay, maybe

she doesn't need you

holding her hand anymore,

but that doesn't mean

that you're not wanted,

that you're not essential.

So she got to you too, huh?

Okay, Doug, I think you

should do yourself a favor.

Um, we're in a beautiful place.

Why don't you go for a walk

and take in the mountain air, you know?

Ah, for f*ck's sake.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS]

♪

"going all the way back

to those hazy childhood fixations,

the dolls again."

Ugh, Siggy Freud over here.

"The memory became a siren's call,

a melody Bella couldn't" no.

"Desire is an iceberg." No.

"With each crunch of

the yellowing leaves,

Bella could smell something different."

Hmm. I'll allow it.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]

I think I might head out.

[MICK] Come on, you're no fun.

Mick, please.

The humidity is starting

to fritz our gear.

We have ten minutes max.

Just keep wiping it down, okay? We'll

- [MAN MOANS]

- Hey, boys, come on.

- We're about to sh**t.

- Yeah, me too.

[RICHIE SIGHS]

Hey, um, are you sure

this is what you want?

No. No, none of it is.

I just I need

Go for a schvitz. You've earned it.

You don't need me to stay and help?

No, no, no, you've been great.

Thank you.

[WHISTLES]

Minx, out. Models only.

[CREW MEMBER] All right.

- [CREW CHATTERING]

- All right.

I don't understand why

we shy away from reality.

As beauty editor at Vogue UK,

I know women have to look a certain way

to trick men into opening the doors

we haven't yet smashed ourselves.

I've always found charm

more effective than a hammer.

We identified several

corporate partners

Estée Lauder, Burberry, Dr. Thinsmore

that can give women the tools they need

to transform themselves with style.

- Don't forget the free samples.

- Love free samples.

I have a couple questions

about Dr. Thinsmore

[CHUCKLES] though.

[RICHIE] Okay, let's

try something different.

All right, you two.

Yeah, perfect. Exactly. Keep that.

Keep that. Love.

Gorgeous.

- Hey, I like this little moment here.

- [ELYSE] I could never make it in your house ♪

[RICHIE] Oh, great. This

feels really natural.

- Okay, give me your profile.

- [SHUTTER CLICKING]

Give me a smiley one.

Yeah, that's beautiful! I love that.

[ELYSE] Highborn in another time ♪

Yeah. Okay, look at me.

- [ELYSE] Just like a circle around the sun ♪

- [RICHIE] Oh, I love you two together.

Can you look over there, please?

Gorgeous.

[ELYSE WEINBERG'S "HOUSES" PLAYING]

♪

You know, I actually spent the winters

with my Grandpa Heinrich in Argentina.

So if you decide to

conquer the Southern Cone,

hablo español también.

Was he born there, or did he hide

The past should stay in the past.

- [WOOD CREAKS]

- Ah, see, the spirits concur.

[LAUGHS]

[SANDI AND MATUES' "THE

WORLD (PT. 1)" PLAYING]

[SINGER] Take a look at the world ♪

What the world is today ♪

Man can't even open his mouth ♪

To see what he wanna say ♪

Take a look at this world ♪

What this world is today ♪

People are part of the dirtiest spot ♪

While the poor man has to pay ♪

Just take a look at this world ♪

And you've got to get stronger ♪

'Cause the things that

are happening to you and me ♪

Just can't go on too much longer ♪

♪

Could you grab another log?

Nothing bigger than your arm.

[JOYCE] Sure.

Quite the system you have. [LAUGHS]

My nightly tradition with Yorgi.

[JOYCE] Um

you know, I'm-I'm glad that,

uh, we've got a moment out here,

just the two of us, because, um

Because you have some

concerns about the girls.

I just want to make sure

that we are on the same page

about the kind of women

that we're choosing.

Well, it's a process, Joyce,

and there's bound to be disagreements.

Minx is a publication that

has a real point of view.

Politics, culture, sexuality.

So why are we grasping

at low-hanging fruit?

We need to hire women who

stay true to our values

as well as to their own.

Let-let's hire people that have

something meaningful to say.

You know, one of my

favorite things about you

is that you always tell

people exactly how you feel.

Put together a dream

list, and I promise you,

I will take it under

serious consideration.

Oh, thank you, Constance.

That is such a relief.

Thank you.

- [CONSTANCE] Do the honors.

- All right.

Ah.

[SINGER] Waiting

for the rain to come ♪

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Beautiful.

Can you get closer together?

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

Hey, hey, no running by the pool!

[WALT] You can't go in there!

God, not again.

- [ALARM RINGING]

- Wh-what's happening?

- [OFFICER] LAPD!

- Cops. Hide!

- [PANICKED CHATTER]

- [OFFICER SHOUTING]

- [OFFICER] Stay where you are!

- [PATRON] Hurry, hurry, hurry!

[OFFICER] Hey, hey.

Hey, you. Stop running.

[PANICKED SHOUTING]

What's going on?

Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry!

No!

Okay.

[OFFICER] Stop running! Stop running!

[OFFICER] Got a runner over here!

[SHELLY] Gotta oh.

[PATRON] I didn't f*cking do anything!

[OFFICER] Put your

hands behind your back!

[PATRON] Hey, hey, stop. Stop.

Um oh!

Okay. [BREATHING HEAVILY]

Come on in. Vapor's fine.

The cops are here!

Yeah, I guess pigs need a bath too.

But what are they doing? I mean, it's

it's not like anyone's breaking the law.

Just put the wedge under the door.

You'll be fine.

[SIGHS]

Mm

- [TINA SIGHS]

- [DOUG] It's real.

[TINA] What are you talking about?

All the proof we need.

The proof that you asked for. It's real.

Did you steal that from Constance?

[DOUG] She doesn't lock her doors.

- Her casa is mi casa.

- Okay.

- That's not what that means.

- [DOUG] Just look.

[TINA SIGHS]

She dissolved Bottom

Dollar. We're history.

She's forming a new company.

Well, maybe Bottom Dollar's

outlived its usefulness.

What?

Tins, the-the bones of

what we built are gone

without even a f*cking funeral.

I don't understand, how is

it so easy for you to let go

of everything we built together?

It wasn't really together, was it?

You didn't promote me for over a decade

while I helped build your company.

Because you were my partner!

Why can't you be happy for me?

So you're choosing

Constance over me, huh?

[SIGHS]

No.

I'm choosing me over you.

[STEAM HISSING]

[SHELLY] Okay, is that really necessary?

I'm just trying to relax. I

haven't had the greatest day.

Really? When I peeked in the sh**t,

you seemed to be doing your Bambi thing.

[SIGHS]

That was just an act.

I mean, I've been grasping

at something for months.

I just don't know what.

When I first stepped into

Bottom Dollar, I mean,

it was magic.

It was like a spark.

No matter what I did, it

never felt like a job, but

today just felt like work.

[SIGHS]

Well, get in line, missy.

I wasn't even supposed to be here today.

I specifically requested

time off this month

because fiction seems a little trite

when you're, I don't know,

questioning your entire life,

but then Richie dragged me here,

and now I'm rushing to write a story

I don't even know how to tell yet.

Go on.

- [STEAM HISSING]

- What are you doing?

- I'm just trying to help.

- No, no, no.

You're doing the you're doing

that thing that you do to me.

What thing?

That thing where you take my picture,

and all of a sudden, I'm spending

a week in Poughkeepsie,

lying to Lenny about a

last-minute invitation

to an erotica conference

in Saratoga Springs.

How is that my fault?

You unleashed something in me!

I didn't ask for any of this.

Shelly, you're not powerless.

No one's making you do anything.

Okay. Isn't that enough?

Yes, it is.

You called all the shots

in our relationship.

Then you're the one who said

you wanted to be friends,

and then you totally pulled away.

That's not I didn't

I just tried to confide in

you, and you didn't even see it.

You just see the Bambi

that you invented.

Everyone does that to me.

[DISTANT SIRENS AND SHOUTING]

I'm sorry.

I'm done pretending.

Me too.

[OFFICER] Back the f*ck

up before I beat your a*s.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[SHOUTING AND CLAMORING]

[PATRON] Vito!

[WALT] No! Get away!

Let go! Let go!

[DOOR RATTLING]

Come on! There's a side door.

We can make a run for it.

[JENNIFER WARNES' "LE

THE SUNSHINE IN" PLAYING]

♪

[JENNIFER] Somewhere ♪

Inside something ♪

There is a rush of ♪

Greatness, who knows

what stands in front of ♪

Our lives I fashion my future ♪

On films in space ♪

Silence tells me secretly ♪

Let the sunshine ♪

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

Let the sunshine in ♪

The sunshine in ♪

Let the sunshine ♪

[LENNY] "I know these words

may rattle some, but

'l*sbian' sets me loose.

A boat untethered,

free.

To thine own self, Bella, be true."

[JENNIFER] Let the sunshine ♪

Let the sunshine in ♪

The sunshine in ♪

Let the sunshine ♪

Let the sunshine in ♪

The sunshine in ♪

Let the sunshine ♪

Let the sunshine in ♪

The sunshine in ♪

Let the sunshine ♪

Let the sunshine in ♪

The sunshine in ♪

Let the sunshine ♪

Let the sunshine in ♪

The sunshine in ♪

Let the sunshine ♪

Let the sunshine in ♪

The sunshine in ♪

Let the sunshine ♪