02x05 - A Stately Pleasure Dome Decree

[bunniefuu]

- Hey.
- Maggie!

It's only
a matter of time

before George
gives you a byline.

You are so beyond a researcher.

- We both are.
- Thank you.

You're more than happy

to lap up the attention
when it suits you.

You're more than happy
basking in my reflection.

- Should we have sex now?
- Oh, no.

I, um... I-I can't
do that again.

- What?
- We need to be friends.

You think anyone
else knows how good we are?

Not a chance.

You know,

I haven't have a boss
since I was 16 years old.

And now I have two,

and one of them is
Joyce f*cking Prigger.

I've decided to
not move forward with Beyond.

I need you to come
up with more ideas...

Your big Renetti ideas.

Well, were you
f*cking wowed tonight?

I have to defer to Joyce.

Doug, the answer's no.

♪ You... ♪

Are you really not gonna
speak to me this entire ride?

I'm sorry I vetoed
your dance troupe.

Well, it could've
been a revolution.

Historically, I don't
think revolutions

- involve that much baby oil.
- Okay.

Listen, Doug, it wasn't...

If you say "it wasn't personal"
to me one more time, Joyce...

It wasn't.

I'm just getting
hammered on all sides.

I mean, Connie kills
my science magazine.

You m*rder my sexy boys.

I'm on the g*dd*mn schneid.

"Schneid's" a losing streak.

That's what you call
schmoozing in Sin City...

Cutting international deals

and bathed in glorious neon
surrounded by games of chance?

I'm selling foreign
rights to Minx, Joyce.

I'm not exactly attending
Frank Sinatra's birthday party.

No, that's next
weekend.

Me back in Vegas...
This is a huge mistake.

This town has a
nose for failure,

and I got the
f*cking stink, so...

You know, this city
shouldn't even be here.

It's an oasis built
on hustle and moxie.

This is where people come
to turn their luck around.

Oh...

Thank you.

- Thanks, boss.
- Would you look around?

- Yeah.
- Oh, come on.

How can you be
depressed in Vegas?

I'm not
depressed. It's just...

Thank you.

Man, I miss that sound...

Money and tears.

"A stately
pleasure-dome decree."

You know, maybe
you're right, Joycey.

Maybe things are getting better.

- Renetti.
- Yeah.

This is for '65, f*ck.

♪ If you want it ♪

♪ If you want it, baby ♪

♪ Get on it, ah! ♪

♪ If you want it ♪

I think
we got the shot.

- Whoo.
- Thank you.

- Good match, everyone.
- Hey.

- k*ller forehand, bro.
- Thanks, man.

Nice work, boys, nice work.

This issue's gonna be huge.

Our readers love a
clean-cut sportsman or two.

Sorry I'm late.

Got caught arguing
ad rates with Kotex.

I hope you didn't cave
to those t*rrorists.

Tampax will pay us
double for exclusivity.

That would mean
breaking our contract.

Oh, well, they might try
and wiggle out themselves

if the environment
is inhospitable.

I guess I'll get creative.

I guess you will.

Another masterpiece, Ricardo.

Honestly,
you didn't miss much.

Prigger special, rackets,
d*ck, oh, look, there's a lady.

- She's in power.
- The usual.

Last chance, Richie, okay?

The boys are coming,
too. It's gonna be fun.

Uh, me and Danny still have
some work we need to finish up.

You go on ahead.

Hold on. What's happening here?

We're hitting the Palomino to
watch the Battle of the Sexes.

- It's the event of the year.
- Ooh, I'm racing home to watch.

I wouldn't miss Billie
Jean for the world.

Did I tell you...

About your chance encounters
on the junior-tennis circuit?

Holmby Hills in '62.

Well, don't forget
Toluca Lake in '65

She complimented my skort.

- Wow.
- You know, I like tennis.

- Oh, I would've invited you.
- She would've said no.

- Yeah, you do always say no.
- Okay, maybe lately.

That doesn't mean I
don't want to be invited.

Yeah, but you're ascending
to the corporate plane,

leaving us mortals behind,
but we're very proud of you.

I'm still here, on the
fun plane, being fun.

Let's watch here!

- Oh.
- It'll be great.

Just like old times.

Uh, t-that's
actually a bad idea.

Yeah, fancy new offices,
plush carpet, our bosses...

Are out of here and done
giving us unnecessary feedback.

I'm in charge.

Good Time Tina says watch
party at Bottom Dollar!

♪ What you want ♪

♪ See it in motion ♪

♪ Hear her talk ♪

♪ You got to sell the notion ♪

♪ That you want
To follow her ♪

♪ Wherever she goes ♪

Well, look at you.
You look sharp.

Thank you.

My outfit's the opening
volley on my panel remarks.

I thinking of saying, "I'm here
to talk female demographics,

but I'm also quite fun."

Oh, right, your, uh,
chitchat thing, huh?

You mean me forging

essential bonds with
other professional women?

Shouldn't you be forging some
fiscal bonds of your own?

No need.

- What happened?
- Nothing.

I just don't have to
hustle for buyers.

They came to me.

What, in the 30 minutes
it took me to change?

That's enough time
to f*ck things up

but not make things good?

Look, concierge had a stack
of these for me at check-in.

My room is full
of fruit baskets.

Everybody wants in.

So all I have to do is
play London off of Paris,

gin up some old grudges from
the w*r, you know, Europe sh*t.

We'll set our own price.

Doug, this is incredible.

Yeah, if I can get all these
deals done before dinner,

I can get on the last
Greyhound to Los Angeles.

The bus?

Yeah.

I'm tired, Joyce.

It's possible,
verging on probable,

that I have underappreciated
your contributions.

What? You underappreciated me?

- No.
- You brought Constance in.

You pitched her
the global vision,

and now you're about
to make it happen.

I mean, you should
run the thing.

Is that something
you'd even want?

To run an international
publishing empire?

- Me?
- Yeah.

That'd be mildly
appealing, I guess.

But, you know, Connie's
the big boss on this,

and she'd have to get on board.

No. No, she's been
deferring to me

on everything Minx.

I assure you I will
make my strongest case.

Well, that's a lot of travel.

I just don't know
where I would call home.

Would it be Buenos Aires,
Amsterdam, Monaco?

I think London is
less debauched,

and, also, it's
commonly acknowledged

to be the center of
international publishing,

which would be none
of my business,

because off American
soil, Minx would be yours.

Ah.

Well, I get along
very well with a lot of girls.

I don't think
you give us credit

for having any brains.

Billie's gonna wipe that
smug smile off his face.

I'm loving this.

I'm rooting for the
plucky l*sbian, too.

Oh, whoa, whoa.
Billie's happily married.

Her husband's a hunky blonde.

Right. Sorry, I'm new
to women's tennis.

It's a Good
Time Tina recipe.

What are the measurements?

Pour until there's nothing left.

This whole thing's a joke.

Men are better at
sports than women, okay?

I'm sorry. I'm not
pretending they're not.

Billie Jean's not just a woman.

She's the best of
her generation.

I could return that serve
with my hands behind my back.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Okay, prove it.

- Prove it?
- Yeah, prove it...

Outside, right now, my serve.

Hmm.

Hands behind my back, lady.

...Astrodome, it's
the Battle of the Sexes...

Billie Jean King
versus Bobby Riggs.

♪ Anything you
can do I can be part of ♪

My money's on Dustin.

There is no beating
testosterone.

How's he gonna hold the racket?

Telekinesis?

Wasn't on his résumé.

The only special skill
he listed was "abs."

Hmm.

Sorry, Danny needs me for a sec.

It's a darkroom thing.

Hey.

Huh? Huh?

Whoa. He should've listed
that as a special skill.

Little party
trick from my Chico days.

You think this is the first
time I've seen a p*nis

stuffed someplace
it doesn't belong?

I got two boys.
Come on, love-all.

- All right.
- Whoo, Shelly!

- Tough talk.
- Thank you.

Tough talk.

Oh, sh*t.

Whoo.

Get the racket.

You maim the official,
that's a forfeit.

- That was out, second serve.
- No, that wasn't out.

What, are you calling me a liar?

Yeah, 'cause it was
not out.

- Second serve, toots.
- Don't call me toots, as*h*le.

Oh, God.

It's okay.
You got this.

You got this.

What is he doing?

Come on, wrap it up.

I'm... I'm wrapping
it. I'm wrapping it.

- Can you hurry it up?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here we go.

Yes!

Yeah!

Yeah!

- Point.
- For me.

The challenge was
return the serve.

I did. I win for men.

Men!

What?

- No. No, no, no.
- Men! Men! Men!

Men! Men! Men! Men!

- Uh...
- Men! Men! Men!

Guys, I, uh...

- I might be in trouble.
- Men! Men! Men!

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Meet the New Woman,

all-new women's magazine
for the new woman.

Please take your seats.

Hello. Checking
in. It's Joyce P...

Of course, Ms. Prigger.

Green lanyard for speakers.

Ooh, so official. Thank you.

Thank you.

Would you mind?

Oh.

My pleasure, Beatrice.
Anything for a reader.

This was a good one.

They're all good, Ms. Prigger.

Stop.

Um, have my fellow
New Women checked in?

I'd love to coordinate
a group photo.

- Oh, yes, right there.
- Thank you.

- Joyce.
- George.

I can't turn around

without seeing
your smiling face.

Success agrees with you.

Uh, you're here
for my- my panel?

Sort of. Uh, my
monthly is up there.

I left New York
magazine, started my own.

Gal!

Exclamation
mark and everything.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry. I must have
missed that on the stands.

Oh, we're still in
the growth mode...

You know, test issues
in select cities.

- Great response so far.
- Oh.

Boy, have women been waiting
for someone to figure out

how to combine the personal
and political, make it fun.

Gee, I hadn't noticed.

Fellas, meet the
famous Joyce Prigger.

Meet your
fellow panelists.

Marshall Jensen, Healthy Lady.

Gerald Scott, What Women Wear.

Blaine Peters, Good
Woman, Better Kitchen.

Better than what?

Quite the lineup.

Uh, George, I promise
I'll take it easy on you.

Oh, no, no, no,
I'm not speaking.

My editor is.

Joyce, look at
you in that dress.

Maggie, this is unexpected.

We're
about to begin,

if you'll please
take your seats.

Uh, Joyce.

I was hoping that we could
have a second to chat,

- you know, clear the air.
- Oh, we're needed onstage.

Nah, if Italy wants in,
add another zero, my friend,

and then we can talk.

A zero? Ma che cazzo dici.
Doug, that's insanity.

Well, Berlin does not think
so. They think it's fair.

- Oh, come on.
- Do me a favor.

Find me when you're ready to
play with the big boys, okay?

- Come on.
- No, you come on.

Be f*cking serious.

At Minx, when we consider
ads, we start with the premise

that there's nothing
wrong with women,

and diet pills don't
check that box.

You disagree, Marshall?

At Healthy Lady, we run ads

that are relevant
to women's lives.

I know that the main gal
at Gal! feels the same.

Like it or not,

women are interested
in losing weight.

That feels reductive.

Seems like the ladies disagree

on this one.

Joyce, I
know that you...

Minx maintains a
high-minded approach

in some areas,

but research shows
women want diet pills.

That sells.

I don't know, Maggie.

My magazine just
cracked three million,

and we didn't have
to convince women

that their bodies were a
problem in need of fixing

to get there.

Uh-oh, the claws are coming out.

Oh,
my dinner's in there.

- What happened?
- The male ego.

He was proving that
men are superior,

and he nailed it.

How you doing, Dustin?

She said the
cold would make it shrink,

- but it's starting to burn.
- Where have you been?

Whoo! Yes!

Bow down, Bobby, bow down!

I need to handle
whatever that is.

Ugh! Gross. Is that glue?

Uh, Danny spilled some...

You've really got
to get in there.

That was a lot of
glass breaking.

I don't know what you
and Danny have been up to,

but these are your
models, too, so fix this.

Please.

Oh.

Pick around the
glue, basically fine.

Oh, who won?

Who won that set,
Phil? Say it, punk.

- Billie Jean.
- No, louder, Phil.

- Billie Jean.
- That's right.

g*dd*mn right! Only
one more to go.

Yay, Billie Jean.

Maybe we celebrate
her on the ground.

No lady business from you.

This is tennis time
right now, okay?

I don't want your
big-eye lady smiles.

Get out of here.

What's our
next move, boss?

I don't know. Um...

Wait a second. Are
you shadowing me?

Jumped off the Doug bus
onto the Tina train?

Yes.

It's just... you're always
calm in the eye of the storm,

and I got so invested
in Club Minx,

I just want to be
cool, like you.

I don't want to be
your role model.

I just want to have fun.

Why won't anyone
let me have fun?

Oh, come on, look
at that drop shot!

Oh, do you love that?

So, uh, Lenny at home or...

...the office, in
case you needed to call?

An aggressive woman on the
court, taking what she wants!

- I mean, look at this.
- Mm-hmm.

First, she rips you off,

then she tells you
you're doing it wrong.

Takes a lot
of nerve, Maggie.

You don't even give out
circulation numbers,

and we all know what that means.

Well, we're new...

An emerging voice.

More like a whisper.

Yes, Gal! has some
creative overlap with Minx,

but Maggie's also bringing
a different perspective,

which is something
I find thrilling.

What?

This is a
women's magazine panel.

Maggie belongs here. It's
you I'm not so sure about.

Watch yourself, missy.

He's been doing this since
before you were born.

Well, maybe that's the problem.

You sure you want
to risk that dough?

You're gonna need it if you
want a shot at Minx, bud.

Hit me.

Oh!

Lady Luck!

I got it today.

Why is it when you see two
women stepping into power,

your first instinct is to
pit them against each other?

- That is not what's...
- Well, I can only assume

it's because they're afraid.

Billie Jean King
is brimming with confidence.

Old Man River's
not getting to that.

Yes! You can do it!

Come on! Come on!

Is that why you don't have
a single woman listed here,

but you do have five Johns
on your editorial staff?

- What do you have over there?
- Three Peters and two Pauls.

And not even one Mary.

I'll have you know
we've invested heavily

in several women who
left us in the lurch

by going off and having babies.

Well, it sounds to me like
they wanted to look after

one whining infant instead
of an office full of them.

Mothers want to be at
home with their babies.

Just ask my wife.

Oh, there are a lot of things

I'd like to ask
your wife, Blaine.

That
ain't one of them.

Match
point. Beautiful.

Tell me you dealt with the d*ck.

In-in a way, yes.

What the...

JJ had a lot of advice

on the smartest way
to handle the problem,

so I suggested that we
use the scientific method

to see if we can
duplicate the results.

And we did.

It's not funny.

You wish your dicks were
big enough to get stuck.

Yeah, it was a lot of that.

Men are so dumb.

Is it bad
to say that was fun?

Oh, my God, the look
on Marshall's face

when you asked for
his home address...

What? He promised to start
hiring female staffers.

The ladies need a place
to send their résumés.

Oh, my God, I miss this.

Look, what... what
happened in New York...

Oh, no, it's
behind us. It's...

It's just so good to see you.

I finally have a friend
I can actually talk to.

Can I have a word,
Prigger, please, alone?

Pardon my
male counterpart.

Oh, right. Okay.

- What?
- Do you hate me?

Is that it? Do you hate me?

No, I've even taken
to complimenting you

- behind your back.
- Oh, you have?

Then why are you sabotaging
me? I don't understand.

What?

The panel...
What the hell was that?

An hour ago, Gal!
was nothing, right?

But then you take the spotlight
that is directly on us,

and you move it right on them.

Why?

No, there's room for more
than one woman-led magazine.

Then why do I have a
bunch of European buyers

who all of a sudden
have cold feet?

You made them think that
there was a cheap alternative.

Come on, Maggie's
not our competition.

Well, she is now...

- ...because of you.
- Mm-hmm.

So fix this. Play the game.

What is the point
in being number one

if you can't change
how the game is played?

I can't do this
with you right now.

- Doug... Oh, my God.
- Just fix it.

Come on!

Back on the schneid!

First female president
this decade...

I would bet my
kids' lives on it.

Shell,
sweetheart, how you doing?

- Oh, it's my hubby!
- You okay? All right.

Hi!

Ooh, he's a doctor, kind of.

He can save the penises.

Well, strictly
above the neck here.

Oh, but we've got a
whole car full of drugs.

We hand them out to our
friends at dinner parties.

Ooh, shh!
Warning... career jeopardy.

- I would never do that.
- He's so supportive.

He's just like
Billie Jean's Larry.

You know what?
Why don't I run to the car?

I'll get my bag, see if I can
help you fellas out, okay?

Uh, do... do you guys
have some latex gloves?

Oh, we should have
some left over

from the naked-nurses
sh**t, which I will go get.

- I'll come with you.
- No.

Do you feel it? Do you feel
it? It's the year of the woman.

Now.

Oh.

That's our money shot.

What the hell is this?

Are you sh**ting food porn?

General Mills loved
my portfolio, okay?

They asked me if I
could take a swing

at bringing my signature look

to their novelty-cereal line.

On spec?

I need a
creative outlet, okay?

You know that I haven't been
feeling fulfilled lately.

- What if this is my calling?
- This?

Tiny marshmallows never jammed
tennis rackets on their c*ck.

Okay.

As your friend, I am thrilled
people are seeing your talent.

As managing editor,

I have to tell you, you're
in breach of contract.

You're exclusive to Minx.

Wow.

Okay, good to know.

On spec?

Have I taught you nothing?

♪ Well, I'm makin' all right ♪

♪ Well, I'm makin' all right ♪

♪ From Monday
morning Till Friday night ♪

♪ Oh, those lonely weekends ♪

Really went for the
jugular back there.

Give a guy some warning.

I apologize if I was pointed,
but I stand by what I said.

I never would've agreed to
help you with your little show

if I'd known it was
gonna go down like that.

Right. Our little show.

Maggie told me you
were on the same page.

I guess we, uh, strayed
from the... the plan,

- uh, a bit.
- A bit?

What happened to me
lighting the match?

Get the conference buzzing?

I guess we took it
in another direction.

Huh. Well, next time
leave me out of it.

I didn't come here
to be embarrassed.

Neither did I.

You were right.
Gal!'s a problem.

Great. Finally. Let's get
you talking to France, okay?

The guy's a... Well,
he's a bit of a perv,

so if there's
anything you can do...

What? No, that's disgusting.
I have a different idea.

If it has a whiff of kumbaya...

No, actually, I was thinking

of something a little
more aggressive.

Ugh.

This isn't gonna hurt one bit,

and even if it did, I know
you're gonna be so tough.

You, uh, have a great
bedside manner...

Very cool under pressure.

Well, I recently went through

a male-dance-revue-related
heartbreak,

so I'm exploring nonattachment.

- I'm studying the Tina method.
- Hmm.

Smart going with the ten gauge.

- It's good for increased...
- Maneuverability?

- Yeah.
- How did you know that?

Well, I did background
work on MASH.

I was Hot Lips' hotter protégé,

but then I died in a
submarine accident.

In a land w*r?

Yeah, they never take my notes.

Aw. Friends.

Tell me
this is gonna work.

Well, assuming phalluses
respond exactly like molars,

we're in business.

- Hell, no. No, no, no, no!
- No, absolutely not.

You're not gonna stick that up
my d*ck... you're a dentist!

Wow, wow, wow, not too bad.

Pretty good.

Deal me in.

Oh, thank God you're here.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

Oh, don't sell yourself short.

I am so glad that
we've reconnected.

You know, I had a
feeling we would.

If we could get past sophomore
year, we can survive anything.

Right?

I mean, we've been
friends forever.

Nothing could ever change that.

Mm.

Can you believe those men?

It is so desperate to pit
us against each other.

They're the worst.

I will raise.

It's like you said...
They're threatened

when they see two strong
women supporting each other.

And if we can't be there for
each other, then who will?

Right?

All-in.

Why not?

Oh. Well...

Sorry. It's just
beginner's luck.

No, you deserved it.

Nicely played, Joyce.

I guess you really
are all grown-up.

Excited to be working
with you again.

What?

Oh, meet our new
owner and publisher.

- We've been acquired.
- Welcome to the family.

Yeah.

How wonderful.

It was nice playing
with you, Maggie.

- See you.
- Yep.

Okay. Come
on, be my brave boys.

You can have
a lolly afterwards,

if that'll make it better...
You can choose the flavor.

This is all
Billie Jean's fault.

- She's not even hot.
- How dare you?

You know, you two have a lot
of opinions and nothing else.

- But I...
- No, no, the only things

I should be hearing
from you are, "Ow,"

"Sorry for ruining your night,"

and, "I should've
been nicer to my mom,"

because if you spewed
this much bullshit

in the half day being here,

18 years must've been
a f*cking nightmare.

You're not good enough to
string Billie Jean's racket...

Just two JV morons who jammed
their only redeeming quality

into an aluminum tube.

And women are supposed
to find you sexy?

Please.

The only thing anyone
here is feeling is pity.

Wow, looks like
I missed all the fun.

Tina, moment alone?

Between
us, there was, like,

a ten-percent chance it was
gonna make them sterile, so...

Let me
explain what you say.

I know what I saw.

I just came back to
share some good news

from our friends in Las Vegas.

And the last thing you expected
was to come back to chaos.

- Well...
- I lost control.

And regained it.

We work in media, not
Buckingham Palace.

I promise I'm
not normally that mean

to the models.

- They probably deserved it.
- Mm-hmm.

Why don't you make
us a c*ck,

and we'll have a little chat
about this company's future?

And yours.

Sounds good to me.

That was incredible!

- Billie beat him!
- It was. Yeah.

Yeah, she can do
whatever she wants.

- She's free. I just...
- Sure bet.

She came straight down, and
she showed that Bobby Riggs...

Whoops,
whoops, you all right?

- Yeah.
- Good?

- I'm okay.
- Okay.

You know she
complimented my skort, right?

So Joyce can go off
and write a book,

but I glance at a marshmallow,

and I'm history's
greatest monster.

Hmm.

I don't get it. Are
we not enough for you?

No, it's not you.

This whole place has changed.

Doug's bouncing around
like some lost boy.

Joyce doesn't listen
to me anymore.

Tina's all business.

I'm trying to get mine
before it's too late.

- Well, what about me?
- You'll be fine.

Everyone loves you.

♪ Oh, crazy ♪

♪ For thinking ♪

♪ That my love could hold you ♪

♪ I'm crazy for trying ♪

Europe is ours.

Minx is going
global.

- Cheers.
- It's unbelievable.

I'm so impressed.

Shifting gears from
seller to buyer,

buying up Gal! just to k*ll it,

that's a big move, Joycey.

I didn't know you had it in you.

Neither did I.

Is it supposed to...

to feel this, uh...

This what? Good?

Yeah, that's the thrill of it.

And your pal Connie...
She's over the f*cking moon.

She loves this sh*t.

Yeah, she did sound
pretty pleased.

Yeah.

I don't know. This
doesn't make me evil?

No.

Makes you the queen.

♪ Crazy... ♪

Hit the tables?

- No, we should go home.
- Our rooms are comped.

Nothing in Vegas is free.

Let's leave while we're up.

Trust me. Let's
leave while we're up.

♪ I'm crazy for trying ♪

♪ Crazy for crying ♪

♪ Crazy for loving you ♪

♪ I am the roving gambler ♪

♪ I've gambled all around ♪

♪ Wherever I meet
With a deck of cards ♪

♪ I lay my money down ♪

♪ Lay my money down ♪

♪ I lay my money down ♪

♪ I've gambled Down
in Washington ♪

♪ I've gambled up in Maine ♪

♪ I'm on my way to Georgia ♪

♪ To gamble my last game ♪

♪ Gamble my last game ♪

♪ Gamble my last game ♪

♪ Mother, oh, dear Mother ♪

♪ You know I love you well ♪

♪ But the love I have
For this gambling man ♪

♪ No human tongue can tell ♪

♪ No human tongue can tell ♪

♪ No human tongue can tell ♪

♪ Mother, oh, dear Mother ♪

♪ I'll tell you if I can ♪

♪ If you see me
Coming back again ♪

♪ I'll be With
this gambling man ♪