02x04 - Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Sexiness

[bunniefuu]

Who are those people,

and why do they keep
taking our picture?

That's Rolling Stone,
and they're here today

doing a feature
on Bottom Dollar.

I didn't come here to write
about Bottom Dollar or Minx.

I came here to write about you.

There's a whisper campaign that
a good number of our readers

- are h*m*.
- Isn't it better

if our work is interesting
to all kinds of people?

We have advertisers
that are paying

specifically to reach women.

Tonight, ladies
choose their partners.

Len, I was, um, thinking
about going back to Minx.

Oh. It's about time.

I would like you to consider it

my application to
be your secretary.

But I need you to come up
with more ideas for Minx.

I've gotten everything
I've ever wanted,

and it's happened so fast.

Have you ever
considered that maybe

you are exactly
where you belong?

♪ Young woman Share
your fire with me ♪

♪ My heart is cold ♪

♪ My soul is free ♪

♪ I am a stranger
In your land ♪

♪ A wandering man
Call me sand ♪

♪ Oh sir My fire
is very small ♪

♪ It will not warm thy heart ♪

♪ At all ♪

Ow!

I could've sworn I set
my wake-up call for noon.

Oh.

I can send up the concierge
if you would prefer.

You do know that I have a thing
for a man with a comb-over.

Did I tell you this?

Come here.

I am very late.

I have back-to-back meetings.

You're not gonna look
very professional

without your
knickers on, are you?

Just saying. Do you
want these back?

Mm...

We're sh**ting the
album cover today.

I could use your eye.

If you want to add another
sh**t to my schedule,

then I am going to require
payment in advance.

Oh. Well, that can be arranged.

- All right.
- Yeah.

You got five minutes.

- Five minutes?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, but what if I
want to, you know...

Okay, 25.

♪ If I was a boat On a river ♪

♪ I guess I'd know
Right where I was ♪

Jogging!

♪ Well, you won't see me ♪

♪ Floating by facedown ♪

♪ You just float and then You
know you're feeling fine ♪

That's three days this week.

43 minutes. It's
my personal best.

I'm telling you,

you gotta try this
jogging thing.

You really do. This is the...

well, it's the
healthiest I've ever felt

in my whole life.

Hey, boss.

I covered your office windows

so no one can sneak a peek of...

Secret Project X.

Sorry, Rita. It's a secret.

We know.

- Doug?
- Mm?

As your probationary secretary,

can I ask you a question
about Secret Project X?

You can ask me anything.

Um, does it have to be a secret?

I mean, wouldn't it be more fun

if people knew what
they were excited about?

Well, it's about, you know,
keeping people guessing,

so that's kind of the idea.

Oh, but...

they're not.

Well, maybe not out
loud, Bambs, but...

but inside, they are.

I mean, look at them.

They've got an itch
inside their brains,

and they don't know
how to scratch it.

But none of these people
matter anyhow, right?

We've got an audience of one,

and when Connie sees
what we are cooking up,

we're gonna be writing
our own ticket.

And then I'll officially
be your gal Friday?

Absolutely... we pull this off,

you're gonna get a
raise and benefits.

Yes!

Oh, but can I still
do my own dental?

Yeah, whatever you want.

I can't believe it's real!

It just needs Bella's signature.

And also, you need to
trim about 100 words

'cause I don't want to
mess with the design.

Oh.

Maybe lose the bit

about Bella finding the earring?

What? It's the
soul of the piece.

Ugh, you really are a writer.

Yeah!

Oh, it feels great to be back.

I have missed this place.

Aw. Well, we missed you too.

A lot of people
here care about you,

and you sort of
disappeared on us.

Well, I... I needed to figure
some stuff out, you know?

Mm. Like Bella?

And her escapades seem to
have brought some stability.

And adventure.

Yeah, Bella's been
around the block now.

Those San Marino blocks
are long and leafy.

You don't know the half of it.

But Bella started her journey

through some other
neighborhoods too.

Ones with more
experimental architecture.

Think she's tempted
to revisit those?

Well, Bella is in
a... a better place

with her husband, Gian-Paul,

and uh, Bella needs
to focus on her work

while at work

and nothing else.

Do you get what I'm saying?
I'm not good at this.

No, I get it.

♪ But I woke up this morning ♪

♪ With that taste
In my mouth ♪

- Oh, what's going on here?
- Oh, nothing.

Just finishing up some
stuff for tonight.

Oh, right. Your secret
special something.

- What time is it again?
- Uh...

Doors open at 8:00.

Don't worry if
you can't make it.

You work hard, you play hard.

You deserve a quiet night in.

No, I can spare 90 minutes.

That's just an estimate.

I didn't factor in
applause breaks.

Okay, you mind heading
in and finishing up?

Yeah. But all good, Prigger.

I mean, Connie's coming tonight,

and those are really
the only eyes I need,

so honestly, don't
worry about it.

- Uh-uh.
- Okay.

Okay.

- Hey!
- Oh, hi! Mwah!

Oh, both cheeks! That's new.

Maybe I'll use that for Bella.

- Oh, you should!
- Yeah.

Listen, um, I'm just popping in.

I'm gonna drop these off,

and then I'm gonna go meet
Constance in Beverly Hills.

Oh, excuse me.

- Field trip with the boss?
- Mm-hmm.

Somebody's making an impression.

I think she just
wants to give me notes

on the August issue

in her, you know,
natural habitat.

But anyway, it's so
good that you're back.

Oh, well, it feels great.

Everything got so shiny.

- I know.
- Right?

Oh, did you look
at those revisions?

No, not yet, but I will.

I'm just... you
know, I'm swamped.

There's just... There's
so much going on here,

and... and I... I'm
trying to write my book,

and I have the... the
renovations on the new condo...

And?

Plus crashing at
the Margaux, yes,

so I'm just getting no sleep.

Now, is that the hotel's fault

or your rock star boyfriend?

He's not my boyfriend.
He is just...

The famous musician
you're shacking up with.

I cannot believe this is my life

and not some story that
I'm writing in my head.

It's wild! It's almost
as wild as Bella.

Where do you come
up with that stuff?

Oh, well, actually...

Does my hair look
okay, by the way?

I did not have time to
wash it this morning

because I was having sex.

Yes, yes.

It looks perfect.

I'm here, I'm here,
I'm here, I'm here.

Okay, I hope you can
uh, read my notes.

They got a little bit smudged.

Whiskey and, uh...

mint chip.

What a Wednesday.

Well, I learned from the best.

Yes, you did.
Okay, I call it...

Good Clean Fun.

Oh, your dream sh**t.

Okay, I am ready.
Tell me everything.

A bathhouse, West Hollywood.

More men that we
know what to do with.

A bathhouse? Very sexy.

Okay, what's the angle?

Okay.

Communal bathing.

Men lounging, reading,
playing board games.

It's an exploration
of the male form

without artifice,
out in the wild.

Huh.

Do you think it
might be too, um...

straightforward for Minx?

It's real.

You know, actual male desire.

Totally.

Yeah.

It's, uh, it's...
It's very, um...

Maybe I can, um,
think on it. Okay.

Richie's been waiting
weeks to pitch this to you.

We've already rescheduled twice.

- We have to pull the trigger.
- Yeah.

I just... I don't see how, um,

this slots into a
women's magazine.

What if, you know, it's
not in a bathhouse?

What if it's the same,

but just, you know,
somewhere else?

Then it would be different.

I think that we
should put a pin in it

and we should think about

something more
aspirational, okay?

Our centerfolds are
the ultimate fantasy.

For our female readers.

Sounds like you have
a very clear vision.

Any fixes?

Uh...

what about backstage?

A-a stolen moment

with a rock star in
his dressing room?

Wow. Lightning strikes.

How'd you come up with that one?

I guess I'll go
find us a rock star.

Didn't your mama ever teach
you how to turn someone down?

My mother? No.

My mother...

My mother wasn't around
for that kind of stuff.

Not something you
want to talk about?

No, not really.

Well, my mama is
a serious b*tch,

and she taught me that

if you don't like
something, you just say no.

- Who says I didn't like it?
- You, in 40 ways.

Body language, tone
of voice, even the way

you keep scratching
the back of your head.

Okay, I feel observed.

You think it's nicer,

but it only makes
everything worse.

Just be direct.

By the way, I've looked
over your work expenses.

Mm-hmm?

14 valet stubs from the Margaux.

I'm living out of a suitcase.

I... I... I need
a place to work.

You have an office.

I'm not accepting these.

- Yeah, but I'm staying...
- No.

See how easy that was?

Not a problem.

Bella quivered

as Gian-Paul shivered.

Ooh, that's good.

- Shel.
- Hi, Doug.

Can I talk to you?

That Bella LaRouche
stuff is sexy stuff.

It really is.

I didn't expect
it from a Prigger.

Oh, well, I've always
had a wild imagination.

Imagination... she's
married to an orthodontist

from La Cañada.

It's actually San Marino, so...

Either way, I need a
little bit of that sexiness

on my special project.

My copy could use a spark.

Well, my spark
doesn't come cheap.

How's a hundred bucks
and a peek on the inside?

I'm in.

Shellfish!

You're gonna be
working pretty closely

- with Bambs on this one.
- You know what?

I'm on a deadline, actually,
so I should just...

Oh, come on. It's an
afternoon, and that's...

Well, that's really
all the time we've got.

So I'm gonna lock you
two girls in this room,

and please make some magic.

Magic's on hold. We
have a huge problem.

The archdiocese said we can't
use their venue anymore.

Oh, no. I guess it's
all falling apart.

- I'll just get back to...
- No, no.

Just a little speed
bump. It's a hiccup.

Everything's gonna be just fine.

I'm so sorry.

You give me one thing to do,

and I already screwed it up.

Oh, Bambi, it's fine.

I'll have a new venue by lunch.

But here's what I
need you girls to do:

just stay in this
room and grind it out

until you make something
great together, okay?

Please.

Sorry, appointment only.

She has one.

- This is Betty, the designer.
- Hi.

My latest discovery.

An all-female staff
confronting the sartorial ennui

of the working women's wardrobe.

Right. Uh...

okay, well, while I agree

that professional women do
need more clothing options,

I wonder if uh, fashion coverage
is beyond the scope of...

No, we're not here
for the magazine.

We're actually here for you.

I'll grab the second rack.

A little wardrobe rethink.

Multiple racks?

Didn't realize my
wardrobe was so stale.

Oh, you have beautiful
style. You do.

It just needs to catch up to
the woman that you've become

and the magazine that you've
elevated so beautifully.

Okay. That's very kind.

Thank you, Constance,
but it's...

I actually put a lot of
thought into what I wear.

Right.

Navy suits and p*ssy
bows, they got you here,

but you do not need
to dress like a man

to earn the respect of one.

Mm-mm.

Not anymore.

Surely, there is something
here that catches your eye.

Huh.

What a figure!

See, I had a feeling.

Y... yeah.

It feels like a
bit of a departure.

No one at your level

is claiming sexuality
and intelligence

with equal confidence.

We can be powerful and feminine.

Give our girls
something to aspire to.

See, I had to make this
all up as I went along.

And boy, do I have
the scars to prove it.

Let me ease your path a little.

I have loved having
you to look to.

It's not something I'm used to.

And I have really enjoyed

having a smart younger
woman to fuss over.

No one is gonna force
you to do something

that you don't want to do.

Ah.

Why don't you wear this
out, see how you feel?

If you don't like it, we'll
scrap the whole thing.

You know what?

I think we might
have room after all.

Bring back one of those
chunky books for her to read.

Hmm. I call it Backstage a*s.

She's not dumb. This
can't be in the magazine.

Honey, lift up your
chin a little bit.

Less bored, more judgmental.

You don't care how hard
he worked on that song.

You're at 90% f*ck you.

You need to bring this
thing down to about ten.

Only 90?

Hey, Danny, fly in
that typewriter.

She wants everyone to
know how busy she is.

Oh, um, typewriting costs extra.

- Richie?
- Excuse me.

What?

We both know I should be
sh**ting Bathhouse right now.

She's the boss, remember?

Joyce and I used
to have a dialogue.

Now it feels like a lecture.

I understand your frustration.

If you can't do this concept,
just scrap the sh**t.

We'll go with a retrospective.

Easy.

The magazine isn't
even a year old.

That's creative bankruptcy.

Telling your boss to go screw
herself is career suicide.

Don't sweat it.

I already pulled some goofy,
behind-the-scenes shots.

- We can just...
- Stop hurting me.

Okay.

I'll figure it out.

What?

No, I swear.

I thought I was done,
but she kept squealing,

so I shoved both my
hands back inside

and pulled out another piglet.

Oh, my God.

The things that happen
to you on the 405.

Oh, I have missed these stories.

Oh, my God, and look
how fast the work went.

Is there anything
else? Are we...

- No, I think that's it.
- Okay.

Should we have sex now?

Oh, n... no. Uh, but... no.

I... um, I... I
can't do that again.

I just thought with you
coming back here, just...

Yeah, well, I'm...

Bambi, I'm back, but
we need to be friends.

No more... you know.

- Orgasms.
- Yes, that.

Or any associated behaviors.

That's okay.

I love friends.

Friends are the
family you choose,

and you don't have
sex with family.

Unless it's your stepsibling.

And even then, you have
to keep it a secret

because of his political career.

I just want you to be happy.

Oh, I am. I'm very happy.

Good.

So am I.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Yeah, you've got a
lot of girls out there

that'll wanna see this.

That's nice. That's great.

That's excellent.

David, sh**t more
toward the camera.

Hey, Graham. Eyes over here.

♪ She taught me to run ♪

My day opened up.

Let's get you in the shot.

Hey, Andy, let's
get her in the shot.

She already is.

We're on the clock,
hon'. Budge up.

Oh, yeah. Totally get it.

Yes, um, where do
you want me to...

Um, yeah, you should
go over there.

Back there in the
gazebo, cabana thing.

- Hi, I'm...
- Joyce Prigger.

- Yeah, that's me.
- Fun.

You writing a story?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I could be if there's,
you know, one to tell.

You want any nuggets included?

Just make it clear

Carrie and Neil are
very happy together.

- Mm-hmm.
- Groupies are always circling.

Move quick if you want a drink.

They devour everything.

Well, you're just in time

'cause we're all out.

- There you go.
- Mm, thank you.

Um, so...

We're with Graham.

He wanted our eyes on this.

Did he?

And how do you know Graham?

I was at this party

and got invited onstage
to play the shakers.

You don't say?

He told her that she
had the best rhythm

- of any girl he'd ever met.
- Stop.

Joyce, my minx,

you want something
from the kitchen?

We're putting in an order.

- Um...
- Oh, my God.

- You're the Minx lady?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God!

My mom loves your magazine.

Your mom? That is great.

That's so... that's so great.

We have a lot of
older, um, readers.

How old is your mom?

32 next week.

And you're dating Graham?

Uh, would definitely
not say dating.

So what about you?

I mean, what is
Joyce Prigger doing

in the fun time cabana?

You know, that is
a great question.

♪ Listen to the music ♪

- Hey.
- Hi.

VIPs this way.

♪ Listen to the groove, yeah ♪

Ooh, Joyce!

Looking good.

Tina! Oh, I am touched.

Don't make me regret
the compliment.

Oh.

- Isn't she stunning?
- Mm-hmm.

How do you feel?

Like myself.

You were right. You were right.

Thank you for the push.

Aw, that's my girl.

All right, a toast.

Doug even got me my
favorite. Drambuie.

Oh, thank you.

Cheers.

What do you think this is?

Ladies and gentleladies, the
show is about to begin...

That is strong.

And so please take your seats

and clear your minds,

because the journey starts now.

And that's why I
deserve a raise.

Quit yer yappin'!

Hike up that skirt and
show me those legs.

Where's my dinner?

You promised me ham!

If God wanted your opinion,

he would've made you a man.

Et tu, padre?

Oh!

It's so hard being
a woman in 1973.

If only there was a
way to make a change.

I said, if only there was a way

to make a change!

A dirty lamp?

A woman's job is never done.

A magic genie?

I'm here to grant
you three wishes.

Hmm, wow.

I guess my first wish would
be to find a man who gets it.

Your wish is my command...

at Club Minx!

That's right, ladies!

Welcome to the club where
you come first and often!

♪ When you gonna wake up ♪

Don't worry about
dinner tonight,

because what Maurice has
cooking is piping hot!

Don't get your
panties in a bunch.

Ivan's here to take 'em off...

and iron them.

♪ Hollywood high ♪

♪ Hollywood high ♪

Oh...

Are you feeling
underappreciated, ladies?

Well maybe tonight
Nestor can help,

'cause he's gonna take really
good care of your children.

And last but definitely
not least, ladies,

remember you're not
alone in this revolution.

Oh, no!

Because my guy Xavier
isn't afraid to fight...

for your rights!

[Mantis' "Hollywood
Eyes" playing"

♪ They say in Hollywood
the garden grows ♪

♪ They say in Hollywood
That everyone knows ♪

♪ Oh ♪

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah!

That's how you
start a show, boys!

Sexy, sexy! Keep
fluffing, keep fluffing!

Doug, last looks on Maurice.

Let's just see.

Stick this in
there. Don't be shy.

- For real?
- It's not a judgment.

It's stagecraft, Mo.
Just do what I'm asking.

All the letters I can write

are not as fair as this.

Syllables of velvet,

depths of ruby, undrained.

And a bathhouse was too much?

- Where's Joyce?
- Depends.

Where'd you land on the sh**t?

Deadline's a deadline.

Now, am I supposed to
find the baby attractive?

Because I do.

But is that the
intention of the piece?

Probably best to not
think about it too hard.

Hey, Xavier. Come here
for a sec, would ya?

Anything you need, Mr. Doug.

Okay, you see that
woman over there?

Mm.

See the one I'm pointing at?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

You got something
special in you, man.

- Know what I mean?
- Mm.

You've been working
your whole life for it.

Well, now's the moment.

I want you to go make
that woman feel alive

the way only the X-man can.

You know, my name
actually isn't Xavier.

- Yeah, I get it, I get it.
- Okay.

But that's what I'm gonna
need from you, okay?

Okay.

No, no, no, no, no.

Sexy baby's on stage.
Just give him a second.

You have one final wish.

Use it wisely.

I wish women ruled the world.

As the next President
of the United States,

do you promise to
protect life, liberty,

and the pursuit of...

sexiness?

I do, America.

♪ Friends say it's fine ♪

♪ Friends say it's good ♪

♪ Everybody says ♪

♪ It's just like Robin Hood ♪

♪ I move like a cat
Charge like a ram ♪

♪ Sting like a bee, babe
I wanna be your man ♪

♪ Well, it's plain to see ♪

♪ You were meant for me ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm your boy ♪

♪ Your 20th Century toy ♪

♪ Friends say it's fine
Friends say it's good ♪

♪ Everybody says ♪

♪ It's just like Robin Hood ♪

M-I-N-X!

- What club is this?
- Club Minx!

Yeah! So good!

So sexy, guys!

That was excellent.
Really good, really good.

Hey, tip these guys out, okay?
Give 'em some real money.

I'm so proud of you guys!

Block off '73 and '74!

We got a f*cking hit! I
love you guys so much.

Hey!

You said you wanted a big
idea, I gave you gravity, huh?

I haven't been this entertained

since Nat King Cole
sung at my wedding.

Oh, I knew it!

But this is just the start!

I want to start with
medium-size markets,

two troupes, East
Coast, West Coast.

- Really just...
- Joyce has some concerns.

Oh, yeah. I saw you.

You seemed to be very
concerned with my pal Xavier.

The show was really fun.

It was acrobatic,

and the men had
impressive physiques.

Oh, these boys have
rock-hard bodies.

It takes real dedication,
and they got it.

I saw you liking it.

You throw a great party.

Oh, thank you.

But I don't want to
be the host of it.

It just... it wasn't Minx.

Well, what are you
talking about, right?

Minx is so much more
than a magazine now.

We can be whatever the
f*ck we want, right?

No one at our level

is claiming sexuality
and intelligence

with equal confidence,

and this was one of those
things, but it just...

I don't see a world where
it ever becomes both.

You said you wanted
to be wowed, right?

Well, were you
f*cking wowed tonight?

Yes, and as much as
I enjoyed myself,

I have to defer to Joyce.

That was our deal.

But Joyce, you look at that.

Sexual liberation on display.

Doug, the answer is no.

I'm sorry.

♪ And she treats me ♪

♪ Like I don't care ♪

I can barely hear
the "f*ck you."

- Joyce loved them.
- Of course she did.

- These are amazing.
- Mm.

Bathhouse would've been better.

You weren't really gonna do
a retrospective, were you?

No. Even I know
that's a bad idea.

Hmm.

You know, you're really good

at this whole
managing people thing.

It's my job.

But I'm not sure I like
it when you do it to me.

Sometimes you're the job.

But you're worth it.

Look what you can do.

You think anyone else
knows how good we are?

Not a chance.

♪ To have and to hold ♪

♪ To say in my soul ♪

Chin up, okay?

No one can take away
what you did out there.

Oh...

Hey, I know it hurts.

I mean, I only
worked on it a day,

and I'm very disappointed.

I can't imagine
how you're feeling.

When you dream something up

and someone just
takes it away...

I don't think I have it in me.

Business is so mean.

It is mean,

but you just need a good
night's sleep, you know?

Oh.

Will you stay a little longer?

I just need a friend.

I don't want to
be alone tonight.

You know what? I wish
I could, but I just...

I... I have to get home.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

What a waste.

You know, I haven't had a
boss since I was 16 years old,

and now I have two,

and one of them is
Joyce f*cking Prigger.

I was wondering when you
were gonna figure that out.

I have been busting my a*s.

I've been working
so hard, Tines.

And what do I have
to show for it?

A Rolls-Royce, a
six-figure deal,

and... how many
Speedos did you buy?

Minimum was 2,000.

I got a little c*ck
and bought 4,000.

You could uh, slap
a Minx logo on 'em.

Please don't.

What do you say we
hop in your fancy car,

drive up the coast,

get lost where no
one can reach us?

Only if you drive so I
can get drunk in the car.

Deal.

You never said goodbye.

I was told not to
interrupt the talent.

I made a mistake.

I wanted you there, it's
just... I don't know.

Sometimes... sometimes
I get caught up.

You're a star, Graham.

And you should enjoy that.

I plan on doing the same.

Just not with you.

Come on.

- Don't be mad.
- I'm not.

Look, we had a lot of fun,

and you introduced me to
my new favorite hotel.

All right. Okay.

Yeah.

Well, can we at least just...

- Good night, Graham.
- Okay.

If you change your mind...

I'll be over here.

- Was that...
- Yeah.

♪ Thunder And
lightning in my eyes ♪

♪ And when the train ♪

♪ Began to move ♪

♪ Then she waved goodbye
To being for a while ♪

♪ All the air ♪

♪ Just seemed
quite foggy To me ♪

♪ We have spoken in a way ♪

♪ And I knew ♪

♪ That I had known
her Before this day ♪

♪ Echoing inside the ♪

♪ Memories ♪

♪ Still unknown to me ♪

♪ Do you know the feeling? ♪

♪ Can you love someone ♪

♪ You've only
met A while ago ♪

♪ Is it just a life ♪

♪ A lifetime gone ♪

♪ Sing ba-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Da-da-da, da-da-da ♪

♪ Ba-da-da-da-da, da-da-da ♪