03x02 - It's a Vulva, Son

[bunniefuu]

Lidia (v.O.): Previously
on moonshine...

- [loud bang]
- [bird caws]

Nora: My sister lidia
is in meltdown mode.

-Still got it.

-She moved back
from the big city

And shitcanned
her life last summer.

She's been in
a death spiral ever since.

...You love what?

Andreas: [on phone]
your new podcast idea!

Can you have the pilot outline
ready for me next week?

Wes: Look, I haven't
been entirely honest

With you, either.
I'm weston lonergan of wesworld.

Lidia: Is that blueprints
for the stupid resort?

Ugh!

Ryan: She's fixing it!

Rhian: Are you insane?

You think I will stand back
and let this happen?

Not tonight, satan!

- [crowd groans]
- oww...

Lidia: We're here today
to celebrate the life

Of a woman we all loved.

A complicated woman,
a delightful woman,

A woman who was just beginning
to discover who she really was.

Gone too soon,

From shame-related injuries

Sustained in a tragic
karaoke accident.

[sighs]

Who was lidia bennett
and what did she accomplish

In her short 42 years
on this pale blue dot?

Nothing of note
after she let new york,

If we're being honest.

But we're probably
not being honest

Since we all have
issues with that.

Judgey b*tch.

Being self-critical
isn't always a bad thing, lids.

It can be motivating.

You should try it sometime.

- [burps] I'm good.
- Are you?

Because this whole lady lebowski
shtick reeks of denial,

If denial smelled like b.O.
Mixed with truffle honey.

Mm-hm!

Uh, in any case,
lidia bennett is dead,

So... One of you
needs to get in.

It's not gonna be me.
I'm not getting in there.

No, I'm too buzzed to die.

I just had my roots done.

Uh, think of it as a nap
you never have to wake up from.

Think of it
as an alternative to botox.

[gasps]

I just started
having good sex again!

Oh my god, when did
we stop having good sex?

-Hey, poser.
What is that, pleather?

-A little old for that sh*t...

Oh, I'm sorry,
do you have a smoking hot biker

With rock-hard abs taking you
for the ride of your life?

- I don't think so!
- I have claustrophobia!

Why don't you chill,
madison avenue?

Get in there, you bougie b*tch!

I'm not getting in there!

Why don't you, uh,
take those pointy stilettos

And shove 'em right up your a*s?

- Take a shower!
- Slob!

- Slacker!
- Die, old lady!

["bad side of the moon"
by April wine playing]

♪ this is my life, my life

♪ this is my life,
this is my life ♪

♪ this is my life, my life

♪

[seagulls calling]

♪

♪

♪

[seagulls calling]

[sound of coffee pouring]

Oxford, you're alive!

- Barely!
- [laughs]

-Um, thanks for having me.

-Wait, wait, wait, wait,
where are you going?

I thought we had fun.

Yeah, I...

We did.

Um, I did.

Oh, I know.

- I was there.
- [chuckles]

Yes, you were!

Um, but I really
should get going.

Right.

If your boss finds out
you've been

Fraternizing with the enemy...

Well, at least
stay for a coffee.

Barista much?

Well, life's too short
to drink caffeinated mud water.

How do you take it?

Cream.

- Huh.
- Yeah, just a splash.

Yeah, I had you pegged
as an oat milk kind of guy.

Almond in a pinch.

But I also thought you were
harry styles until last night.

[laughs]

Well, you know,
I'm black, and, uh,

The accent was terrible,
so if you did, that's on you.

- I blame the rum.
- Oh, yeah?

Hey, so, um...

That crazy drunk blonde chick,

Hashtag "crowdsurfingfail"...

You know her?

Sort of...

Do you think you could, uh...
Make an introduction?

She's got exactly what I need.

Confidence to wear
a bathrobe in public?

Taste.

Look, I couldn't put my finger
on why my concept sucked

Or how to fix it until that
crazy lady in the bathrobe

Waved her magic sharpie.

That chick's a bad-a*s.

She's something!

So do you think she's available?

Um, I actually...

I think she's on...
Sabbatical or something.

Codeword for "unemployed"?

Sweet!

Could you, uh,
put in a good word, talk me up?

As you know, I'm a lot of fun.

♪

Holy sh*t.

Better than sex.

Not even close.

♪

Nora: [murmuring]
and this...

Where the... Is my...?

It's 9 am.
Who died?

What?

-Or am I dead
and this is heaven?

You're actually picking
clothes up off the floor.

Oh!

-I could m*rder you,
if that would help clarify.

It's lidia's birthday.

I'm surprising her
with a day at the spa.

You're taking lidia to the spa?

Yeah, and rhian.

[laughs]
oh!

Okay, I am definitely
in an alternate reality, then.

And it is the perfect set-up
for my first episode

Of my podcast on lidia's,
uh, mid-life crisis.

"feuding sisters drown
each other in a hot tub."

It's true crime
meets family drama...

There's something for everyone!

Ah!
Yes! Okay.

Now I thought
we were going for brunch.

sh*t, I forgot.

Uh, dinner?

- Nah, I got a shift.
- Can't you just call it in?

Trade shifts with della
or something?

I can't just skip work, nora.

I'm sure that
runaway ostrich will be okay

For a few more hours.

Oh, you're criticizing my job?

You want to capitalize
off of lidia's breakdown.

-I'm going to tell her,
eventually.

I just, I don't...

I don't want to...
Compromise the integrity of...

Integrity, yeah,
that's a good word.

You know what else
is a good word?

Eat me!

Mature.

I'm getting a shower.

Are we fighting now?

Is this a fight?

Oh, come on, terr, I was just
kidding about the ostrich thing!

Sort of.

[knocking]

Rhian: Can I help you?

Oh, hey.

Banging party last night.

No refunds.
That cheque is cashed and spent,

And the moonshine's not liable

For my sister's
batshit behaviour.

She's gone off the deep end.

[chuckles]
I'll swim in that pool any day.

What does that even mean?

You want to go swimming
with my sister?

-Just, uh, do me a solid
and give this to her for me?

Sure.

I'll do you a solid.

Gracias, amiga.

Wes: Beauty day, huh?

♪

[loud crunching]

[radio plays quietly
in the background]

Nora: Forty-two, huh?
This year's been pretty insane.

-Well, craziest
of my life by far,

And that's including the year
I took up perineum sunning.

- Perineum, isn't that your...
- my as*h*le?

Yeah.
I burnt it.

Found out the hard way
there's a reason

It's where the sun don't shine.

-Have you ever, um,
considered sharing

All that lived experience?

Well, the beauty of
living in a small town...

No witnesses!

Pass the ketchup.

It's actually been a relief,
imploding in total obscurity.

- Why?
- Oh, no reason.

I thought I remembered you
saying one of your life goals

Was to give a ted talk some day.

That sounds like me!
The old me.

Current me is happy
to just talk to ted,

The guy who made
this delicious breakfast burrito

With extra bacon...
'cause it's my birthday!

About that,
I have something planned.

-Oh, that's really sweet,

But I'm not really in the mood
to celebrate this year.

My big plan consists
of finishing this burrito

And then sleeping till
it's not my birthday anymore.

So what I'm hearing is
that you want to relax.

Um, something restorative?

Rhian: Ani?
Hi, it's me.

Uh, call me back.

Those beers
are going on your tab.

- But it's my birthday!
- Big whoop.

Get back to me when you
have a business to save,

A hotel to sabotage,
and two infants to keep alive

With a miracle fluid that
you make with your body.

Nora: Hey, you sound
stressed, rhian.

When was the last time you just
took some time for yourself?

-October 2011.

I took a day course on how
to properly gut and clean trout.

- Ugh.
- Well, it is high time

For another break,
and since it is lidia's birthday

I am taking you both for
a day of rest and relaxation

At loöfga!

-Loöfga?
What the hell is that?

Sounds like a dresser from ikea.

It is a scandinavian spa
in chester

That I am treating you both to.

Surprise!

It's sister spa day, b*tches!

[snapping fingers]

♪

♪

Rhian: You've gotta think of
solo parenting like w*r.

Except instead of
battling a foreign enemy,

You're battling crippling
exhaustion, self-doubt,

And fecal matter.

This is the journal

Where I record
everything that they do,

And I mean everything.

Poop, pee,
and everything in between.

What's in between poop and pee?

Oh, here.
I made a legend.

How long are you going for?

Not that it matters.

You could stay overnight,
for all I care.

You're not, are you?

I will be home by 5.

There is enough breast milk in
the freezer for the apocalypse,

And if sh*t really hits the fan,
dad's around.

He has experience with twins.

I'll be fine.

You go on and have fun.

I'll be fine.

-Are you sure you
can handle this?

Because I don't have to go.

Although the thought of
peeing without two babies

Strapped to me sounds like
a five-star vacation.

I got this.

Journal, zombie breast milk,
fecal matter.

Now scram.

I don't want you back
before 5, or else.

- Okay?
- Thank you.

Okay, go.
Go, go, go!

Goodbye!

Say, "bye-bye, mommy!"

Bye, mommy!

Bye-bye, mommy...

♪

They have you
raking seaweed, too?

Nope, seaweed management
is just a passion of mine.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Uh, what are you doing here?

I'm looking for you.

We just saw
each other two hours ago.

Hmm, felt longer.

Says the one not raking seaweed.

[chuckles]

Can you escape this afternoon

Or will this make or break
the moonshine?

Um...

You know what?

- I'm in.
- Yeah?

Yeah.
Let's go!

- Right now?
- Yeah, let's go.

Right now.

Oh, you are
so obsessed with me!

Hey, come on, slow down!

[calm ambient music]

Woman: Welcome to loöfga.
Enjoy your stay.

Operation nyc mommy goes bad

Slash find a better
podcast title commence.

Okay, this is nora finley-cullen
outside a touchy-feely

Faux-scando spa in the middle
of the canadian wilderness.

The smell?

Uh, chlorine,
eucalyptus, and tears!

I hope.

Hello.

Uh, you know
I love a good spa day

As much as the next person,

If the next person
is someone who loves spa days,

But why the sudden
interest in self-care?

Yeah.
Like, what is going on, nora?

This is the most un-you
place I've ever seen.

Spa worker: Excuse me.

Okay.
Alexis, hi.

We're gonna be talking a lot
because I haven't been around

Other adults in four months
and this is my one afternoon off

So maybe now is a good time
for you to take your "namaste"

And shove it up your a*s!

Nora: Listen, can't a sister
do something special

For her sister
on her birthday...

With her other sister?

Lidia: We don't exactly
come from a long line

Of big birthday celebrations.

Mom used to take us
to bridgewater mall

And tell us it was disneyland.

-Yeah, and the rat in
the food court was mickey mouse.

-Spas are your thing.

I thought this was
the perfect present.

I thought I was being
super thoughtful.

-Well, I appreciate
your thoughtfulness,

But that was the old lidia!

The new lidia is no frills,
low maintenance!

She's not saving things,
fixing things.

She definitely does not
need a... Pfft!

Natural sugar scrub,
aloe eye treatment, or...

Oh, a dead sea mud wrap?
I am a sucker for a mud wrap.

Holy shitballs!

$275 to get wet dirt
smeared on your skin?

- Mm-hm.
- We could have mud wraps.

Moonshine's got mud for days.

sh*t, I think
I forgot my swimsuit.

Oh, hey...
I brought extra.

Matches mine.

Catch!

Thanks?

♪

This is your fault.

That is something.

♪

[babies fussing]

He didn't seem
in his right mind last night.

Now this.

Ryan: I looked better
when I checked into rehab...

For the third time.

Raising children can
break the strongest man.

I remember when I got burnt out
from looking after you guys,

I needed some spirit healing.

I'd find a quiet, zen spot.

Meditate.

Get blotto on weed.

[laughs]

So who'd watch us?

I'd still look after you,
just baked out of my gourd.

- Hmm.
- I miss the old weed.

Back in the day, you could
smoke a whole joint by yourself

And just sail away.

What were we talking about?

Gettin' baked.

And oscar!

- Right!
- [babies crying]

Oscar: Go to sleep...

- Ken: Poor b*stard.
- Oscar: Go to sleep...

Go to sleep little twins...

Hey there, son.

How you doing?

It might help to
talk about how you feel.

Or we could just have
a cold one in silence.

It's up to you.

You ever felt like you didn't
know who you were anymore?

Then you realize,
maybe you never did.

Oscar wallace
is my third name change.

Yeah!

Ryan: Oh...!

We might be able to help you!

I will do anything!

Just please don't tell rhian.

She's already got
a lot on her plate.

I don't want to burden her.

I've just gotta fix myself...

Whichever myself that is.

When we're done,
you'll know who you are,

Once and for all.

Okay!

♪

[calm ambient music]

Rhian: Oh my god,
this feels amazing.

- I haven't had a bath since...
- November 1999?

Since the twins were born.

Showering isn't
really an option, either.

- Ahh!
- How do you not stink?

Gimme 30 seconds
with a washcloth

And I'm fresh as a daisy!

If a daisy smelled slightly
of three-day-old breast milk.

You did shower before
you got in here, though...

...Yes?

I didn't!

- Neither did I!
- [laughter]

Rhian: Oh, I for one
am loving this new lidia.

I hope she's here to stay.

- Thank you, rhian.
- The balance has been restored.

It's like in the matriarchal
society of the bonobo in congo,

There can never be two
alpha females in the same troop

Or they will rip
each other's eyes out!

Right!

Like...

Uh, is it like when, um...
Lidia came back to foxton

For the first time
and inherited half the moonshine

And then she tried to
take over goddess fest?

Like... But like that?

-Oh, you mean the event
where I found out that you were

Screwing my husband, which led
to a goat eating my ring finger?

Lidia: Whoa, that was brutal.

Makes my hijacking an 18-wheeler
seem like child's play!

You're the one who should be
wearing a police monitor, nor!

On your vag!

[laughter]

It's called a chastity belt,
ya sl*t!

[laughter]

Rhian: Come here!
Yeah!

Ken: Behold, the hyphening!

The what-ening?

You may not believe it,
but there used to be a lot of

Infighting in this family.

-Used to?
Ha!

-What dad means is the finleys
used to fight the cullens.

It was two families
sandwiched together,

And that sandwich tasted
a lot like dirt and punching.

When the kids
were in middle school,

The fighting got so bad
that bea and I decided

We had to do something
to unite us,

So we hyphenated our names

And let the kids come up
with rituals to commemorate it.

Rhian came up
with the first ritual,

Which was also our family motto:

"nobody messes
with a finley-cullen

"except a finley-cullen."

- [grunting]
- ow!

Ken: Basically, we let the kids
beat the sh*t out of each other

With sticks until
they passed out.

-Okay, time out!

- Time out!
- Man: Come on!

Can I use the restroom?

One more shot to the kidney
and I might pee myself.

It's not customary...

But I'll allow it.

Thank you!

[mimicking] "it's not customary,
but I'll allow it!"

Ahh!
For the birthday girl.

Thank you, rhian.

Um, I don't get one?

You have hands.
And all ten fingers!

Nora: Speaking of water,

Do you remember when rhian
saran-wrapped the toilet seat

So that when you peed
it went all over

Your new platform skechers
for back to school?

Funny, in retrospect.

Rhian: You seem hyper-focused
on the past, nora,

And frankly, I think
I speak for everyone here

When I say your negativity
is a bummer.

Lidia: Yeah, nor.

Do you need to
take a minute alone?

Maybe go sage yourself
in the cleansing yurt?

Rhian: The yurt's
gonna need the cleansing

After she's been in it.
Am I right?

What!

I don't need sage,
I need tobacco.

Fine, fine, it's out.

It's out!
Okay?

You're nora finley-cullen,
right?

Yes, I am nora from
milk crate confessionals.

Right.
Can I get a selfie?

Sure.

Ah, I don't have my phone on me.

Uh, would you mind?

Oh, uh...
[chuckles awkwardly]

Okay.
Anything for a fan!

I'm not a fan.

[camera shutter clicks]

Uh, okay?

Do you want me to
text this to you or...?

-No.
You can text it to terry.

And tell him nancy says hi.

♪

Not to be negative, but that...

That was weird, right?

Yup.

That was weird.

So what if terry
did cheat on me?

I was gone for ten months.

He has needs.

You don't care that he might
have had sex with someone else?

That's something
you could get over?

Meh, it's just sex.

Unless it's not.

What if he's in love with her?

Her name is nancy.
I'm not worried.

And we don't even know that
he actually cheated yet, so...

-God...

It just occurred to me
that we've all been cheated on.

Daniel did it to me with marcy,
terry did it to rhian with nora,

And now terry's maybe
doing it to nora with nancy.

I mean, what is it about us
that makes men...

More specifically terry...
think they can cheat on us?

Our relationships
were beyond saving.

Nora and terry seemed like
they had a good thing going.

I mean, don't you?
How's your sex life?

- I...
- [moaning in distance]

Not as good as that guy's...

Rhian: Oh, man.

Someone got the handsy masseuse.

Go for it.

I won't tell.

Rhian: Ohh, yes!

Mama could get used to this!

Ahh!

It's good to see you relaxing.

-Ahh.

Well, now that mom's
run off and joined the circus

And you've given up,
a real weight's been lifted.

-It's not that I've...
Given up, per se.

I'm pivoting.

Rhian: You and I
have traded places.

Rhian has a man,
lidia has no man.

Rhian has two beautiful babies
who depend on her,

Lidia has two teenage heathens
who want nothing to do with her.

Rhian is running an empire,
and lidia is an unemployed felon

Squatting
in a broken-down trailer!

Just because I've chosen
to simplify my life

And become less goal-oriented,

It doesn't mean
I'm not gonna crush it.

In a non-competitive sense.

Nora: Criticism that
you're feeling, you know,

Coming directly
from your own sister,

- How does that make you feel?
- Criticism?

I just said I was in complete
support of her new lifestyle.

-And what's with
the psychobabble?

Since when do you care
how anyone else is feeling?

-Let's not deflect.
This is not about me, okay?

This is about your
strained relationship with rhian

And what we can
do today to heal,

So let's just have
the difficult conversations.

Let's get messy, ladies!

Um, I'm good!

Lids?

Yeah.
Aces.

Wes: Ohh!

Oh, yeah...
Ooh...

Yeah...
okay, you win.

This definitely
beats raking seaweed.

Yeah, well, you seemed
tense this morning.

And I'm stressing over the build

So I thought we could
both use a massage.

Ooh!

Wes, were we actually supposed
to take off our underwear?

Well, I don't wear any,
so for me it was a no-brainer.

Oh, yeah, right there!
I got a knot or something...

I'm sorry if I'm being weird.

This is just my first massage.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Just relax.
Try to enjoy it.

You don't have to do anything.
Okay?

Oh, not you.

Sorry, no, um,
you can actually go harder.

Oof!

Jesus!

I can't get over the kismet b*mb
of last night, you know?

I mean, a world-class architect
from new york

Just happens to live next door.

Feels like a sign,
like it's meant to be, right?

Uh, yeah.

Well, not everyone around here
is as psyched about this

New resort
being built as you are.

Oh, they will be
once they understand

What I'm trying to do.

I mean, more local business
means more local income.

Wesworld puts foxton on the map,

And then, boom, it's a
destination overnight.

The property value?
It's gonna skyrocket.

The community's
gonna profit big time.

It'll be fine.

That all sounds great in theory,
but I dunno...

I guess I'm just being
protective of the moonshine.

You're acting like it's your
family business or something.

[laughs]
I-I know.

You know, my dad's giving me
one shot to do this my way,

So I've gotta get it right.

You know how it is
with fathers and sons,

They expect too much from you

And then laugh at you
when you fail.

My dad's actually
pretty supportive.

Almost radically hands-off.

[laughs]
really?

Must be nice.

I dunno, I always feel like
I'm caught between what I want

And disappointing my family,
you know?

Yeah, I think I do.

Oh-h*-h*!

♪

♪

♪

♪

What is this?

Looks like a freebie
from medieval times.

It was, but it also doubles

As the finley-cullen
chalice of understanding.

My idea.

We literally had
the kids drink the kool-aid.

Instead of a ritualistic
mass suicide,

It was to commit
to being a finley-cullen.

I used to put real moonshine
in it back in the day,

But it's the blue kool-aid
that's the magic part.

Drink up, brother!

Alright...

Ugh.

♪

♪

Oh.
[burps]

How do you feel?

A little sore from the beating.

- Ritual.
- Right, ritual.

And, uh, like I have to pee
again, but other than that,

Pretty much the same
as I did this morning.

Uh, but I really want to thank
you guys for trying to help me.

It really does mean a lot.

We are not done yet!

Time to get reborn.

[calm ambient music]

That, uh, looks refreshing.

[chuckles]
icy.

-[chuckles]

I have to tell you something.

Um...

Maybe I should
have told you earlier.

What, you don't like
dave matthews band?

[laughs]
not as much as you do.

But I don't think anyone does.

Um, it's about...

How much I love a good sauna!

Shall we?

Lidia: What is going on
with you today?

And don't say
it's the terry thing.

It's almost like you want
rhian and I to fight.

-That's ridiculous.
Why would I want that?

It's your birthday.

Oh, yes, it is my birthday,

And the first moment
of self-care

I've had in over a year,

So I'd love to try
to enjoy what's left of it.

Rhian: Some b*tch just tried to
take the last cucumber water

So I wrestled her
to the ground for it.

Frickin' love the spa!
Never felt so zen!

Lidia: You know what?

I'm gonna take a little
time out in the sauna.

Alone.

Ugh.

Huh...
Hi, sammy.

Hey!

What are you doing here?

Uh, sweating?

You sprung for a spa day?

That's not like you.

Well, yeah, I mean, I just
like wanted to treat myself

And, like, take
some time to unwind.

-Oh... I guess oxford
really did make you posh.

- What are you doing here?
- I'm stalking you.

No, I'm just kidding.
But I am glad to run into you.

Wait, so you guys
do know each other?

Lidia: Yeah, we do.
How... Do you know sammy?

Oh my god.

Our family's mortal enemy
is mr. Relaxing afternoon?

Sammy: Yes, okay... yes.
Alright, I-I...

Wes and I hooked up
like a handful of times,

But I didn't know that he was
like "wes" of wesworld.

And he didn't know that I'm
not just a moonshine employee,

I'm a finley-cullen.

Um, and I know lidia very well
because she is my sister.

[exhales in shock]

Technically his aunt.
Long story.

Um, look, I was about
to tell you but I-I just...

Lied about who you were?

Twice.

[exhales]

Lidia: Okay, uh,

Since we're in confession mode,

This is probably a good time
for me to apologize

About last night.

I was, uh, really high,

And I'm pretty sure
I said some terrible things.

True but terrible.

I still think your design
sucks sober, but...

Sorry it sucks?

I actually agree with you.

You do?

Yeah, and I think you're the
perfect person to un-suckify it.

Look, I did some light internet
creeping and I dug up

Your old thesis paper on,
um, biophilic design theory.

What?
That's online now?

Wow, it's just been so long
I can't even remember

- What I wrote.
- I loved it.

You know, especially
the part about, um,

Bio-mimicry as the...

Future of sustainable design?
Or something.

I don't know.
I can't remember!

-Look, it's exactly in line
with what I'm thinking,

Which is why I made you that
offer, to help me, you know,

Redesign my resort from scratch.

What?
When?

This morning.

- Didn't you get my note?
- No.

I left it with, um, rhian?

- Sammy: Oh, god.
- Wes: Intense, clipboard.

She said she'd
make sure you got it.

Mm-hm, mm-hm.

I'm so flattered, I just need
a sec, uh, to circle back.

I'm just gonna go grab some
more, um, cucumber water.

You got two glasses right there.

Oh, that's...
oh, ah!

[sizzling]

[door slams]

Rhian: Hey, sis.
Feeling refreshed?

-Did wes give you a note for me?

I can't remember.
My mom brains... Pssh!

Can't even think of the word
because my mom brain.

Bullshit.

- You didn't tell me on purpose.
- Because he's our nemesis.

What does it matter, anyway?

I mean, you wouldn't
have taken the job.

Wait... Would you have?

-No, of course not!

But still, this is
a high-profile job, okay?

Maybe the most important offer
I've gotten in two decades.

This is the kind of job
that could get me

My own magazine cover!

-Oh, lidia, lidia, lidia...

Perfect magazine cover lidia!

You're never gonna be on
the cover of a magazine again

Unless it's the foxton gazette
for public indecency.

- [gasps]
- your perfect life is poof,

So just let it go!

And for the love of god,
stop fighting it!

Ha!

Oh, you would love that,
wouldn't you?

If I just slunk off
into the darkness.

That way you're
the only one in the sun.

This was never about
being happy for me,

This was always about you.

Would that be so terrible?

For once, to let it be about me?

To let me have
something that you don't?

For you to live in my shadow?

Oh, please,
like I've never done that.

You don't even want what I have.

You just can't handle
that I have something you don't!

- Alexis: [clears throat]
- both: Piss off!

♪

["free bird"
by lynyrd skynyrd playing]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

A giant vag*na?

It's a vulva, son.

A common mistake.

Now, the vulva is all part of
the external female genitalia.

The inner and outer labia
and the clitoris.

Whereas the vag*na
is all part of the internal

Female reproductive organs.

It's so... Pink.

Ken: It's an anatomically
correct vulva.

Made out of a kiddie pool,
some old raincoats,

And a slip 'n slide,
held together with hot glue...

-A lot of packing tape...

And the spirit
of transformation.

Plus it doubled as a sex talk.

- Oh, yeah!
- Oscar: Cool.

[laughs nervously]
but, um...

What am I supposed
to do with it?

Am I supposed to fu...

- Both: No, no, no, no, no!
- Get reborn, bro!

You're gonna jump
onto that slip 'n slide,

Go down the birth canal,
and squirt yourself out!

And when you come
through the labia,

You scream out your new name
to complete your metamorphosis

Into a finley-cullen!

No take-backsies.

Oscar: I'll be honest
with you guys.

I haven't felt worthy of
being inside a vag*na...

Uh, vulva, lately.

Today?
Today I feel inspired.

I... I think I can do this!

Hell yeah, you can!

Yeah! [grunts]
alright!

Woo!

Ryan: Let's do this.
Come on, oscar!

Oscar: Rawr!

♪ and this bird
you cannot change ♪

♪ oh, oh, oh, oh,

♪ and the bird
you cannot change ♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[squeaky thud]

Ken: Oscar?

Oscar: How do I get out of here?
Come on!

I think it's sealed shut.

The plastic must have melted
together after all those years

Of sitting in the shed.

Oscar: Oh, so sticky!
[punches and thuds]

Oscar: I can't breathe!

Ryan: You can do it, buddy.

Oscar: I think I'm having
a panic attack!

Help, help!
[panicking]

- [quiet groan]
- oscar?

Ryan: Hey, buddy?

- This is not good.
- No.

- Oscar?
- Buddy!

Get something to cut it open!

-Gah!

Ken: Oscar?

Oscar!

Get his hand.

[straining loudly]

Oscar?

- He's unconscious.
- Yeah.

- Roll him over.
- Okay.

Alright, hit him, hit him!

- [loud smacks]
- [coughing]

- Ah!
- Oh!

Let's get him in the house
and warm him up.

- Yeah.
- [crying]

Ryan: Okay, come on, buddy.

Oscar: [groaning]

Why'd you make me do that?

♪

Lidia: What I'm doing
is a lifestyle choice.

Rhian: Oh, is it?

Or is it just the
latest season of the

"look at me, I'm lidia,
I'm special" show?

This season,
she smokes weed every day

And wears a dirty bathrobe
to get attention!

-I do not!
You know what, fine, I do,

But it's not for attention,
it's for my mental health.

- It's medicinal!
- You haven't changed.

No matter what I do
or how much I achieve,

You will always think
that you're better than me,

Even with smelly hair
and monster toenails.

Come on!
That's not true.

Have you looked
at your toes lately?

They're gnarly.

Fine, my toenails are a mess,
and so am I.

I lied, okay?

I'm lost.

The reason I'm not
doing anything right now

Is because
I don't know what to do next.

Maybe start with a pedicure.

-I don't have the energy to
reinvent myself one more time!

Just the thought of it
makes me want to give up!

I think the winter
really took a toll on me.

-I'm sorry, the winter
took a toll on you?!

I was all alone in that trailer!

There was so much snow.

[whining]
I didn't have netflix!

Snow?
Are you even canadian?!

You know what, rhian?

I envy you.

You may be
a borderline narcissist,

But you always know what
you want and you go after it.

You never falter.

I mean, I would k*ll
for that kind of certainty.

You think I'm a narcissist?

-Yes, but in a good way.

Like gwyneth paltrow, but poor.

- You really mean that?
- [chuckles]

Are you recording this?

No?

Um... Maybe a little.

Um, okay, this was gonna be
another birthday surprise,

But you caught me, so...

Surprise!

You are the lucky subject
of my new podcast.

Happy birthday.

Seriously?

Well... what?

No, I-I thought
you'd be psyched!

You didn't want to treat me
to a day of self-care!

You dragged me here under false
pretences so you could record me

At my lowest
wearing a hideous speedo!

I love this suit!

Fine, I may be using
you for inspiration,

But only because I need juice!

I need drama!

I want my next show
to be about something,

And what is juicier
than the tale of a woman

Who shitcans her life and then
has a chance to reinvent?

Cool, so you want to
exploit my mental breakdown

For money and fame?

You are gonna
be a feminist icon.

Why is lidia the star?
Oh my god, exploit me!

Like, I've got way more
going on right now...

And I'm a narcissist!

Oh my god!

If nora thinks I'm
the more interesting subject

For her podcast, why can't
you just be happy for me?

We are not in competition
with each other!

Which is lucky for you
because you will always lose!

[screaming]

Get in there!
You're a wimp!

Nora: Okay.
Well, they're back, folks!

- Okay...
- [screaming and grunting]

- [splash]
- b*tch!

I had one more payment!

Are you kidding?!

[all screaming]

[sighs]

Well, I hope
you enjoyed my birthday,

'cause we're probably
banned from the spa for life.

We are banned.

That namaste n*zi literally
screamed it as we left.

Hmm, worth it.

I feel...

Ahh!
Strangely invigorated.

More like myself.

Well, nothing reminds
you more of who you are

Than smelling
your sister's armpit.

Lidia: Hmm!

Hey, I know you haven't
felt on your game lately,

But the annoying lidia
we love to hate will rise again.

She always does.

Thanks, rhian.

As long as you
don't take that job.

Duh!
Of course I won't.

You're doing amazing
at the whole working mom thing,

By the way.

Duh!
Of course I am.

Lidia: [chuckles]

And your skin looks amazing!

-Yours, too!

How about my skin?

That's so weird.
Did you hear something?

- No.
- Yeah, me neither.

Hmm!

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Mm...
Uh-uh.

♪

[text notification]

♪

♪

Rhian: And so,
nothing out of the ordinary?

It was pretty uneventful.

Good!

I had an awesome day, too.

- You're glowing.
- It's probably the sugar scrub.

Or maybe the slap fight.

Who knew an old-school scrapping
was all I needed

- To feel rejuvenated?
- Hmm?

I mean, I still have to
figure out a way to stop this

New build, but I'm way less
stressed about it.

Sometimes you just
need a day away

To get some perspective,
you know?

Would you ever cheat on me?

What?

God, no.

That's what I thought.

Just checking.

Who's got the time
or energy to cheat?

♪

♪

Lidia: Don't worry,

I didn't tell anyone
about you and wes.

-Hmm, thanks, but...

I actually came here for advice.

From me?

I'm flattered.

Well, you're technically
the only one who knows about us.

- [chuckles]
- so...

I really like this guy.

And I think I want
to keep seeing him.

Is that... Crazy?

Uh...

Well, I-I don't really know
what's crazy anymore,

But I think
you deserve to be happy.

I do, too.

Well, that is if he can
forgive me for lying to him.

- Twice.
- Saint sammy.

It turns out you're just
as screwed up as the rest of us.

- That's depressing.
- [laughs]

Oh, I'm sure wes will be
back at your door in no time.

That face, that smile!

- How could he resist?
- Mmm...

I hope you're right!

'cause I really
don't wanna let this go.

You know, for the record,

I don't think
you should, either.

You mean the job offer?

Could be a game-changer.

Oh.

You know, technically,
it's still your birthday.

- You wanna do something crazy?
- [chuckles]

Drinks at the shore club?
Make a few more mistakes?

[laughs] no!
But thank you.

I think I've had enough
excitement for one day.

-Okay, I tried.

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

- Happy birthday.
- Ohh, thank you.

You'll figure it out.

["I feel it all"
by feist playing]

♪ I feel it all,
I feel it all ♪

♪

♪ I feel it all,
I feel it all ♪

♪

♪ the wings are wide,
the wings are wide ♪

♪ wild card in sight,
wild card in sight ♪

♪

♪ ooh, I'll be the one
who'll break my heart ♪

♪ I'll be the one
to hold the g*n ♪

♪ I know more
than I knew before ♪

♪ I know more
than I knew before ♪

♪ I didn't rest,
I didn't stop ♪

♪ did we fight
or did we talk? ♪

♪ ooh, I'll be the one
who'll break my heart ♪

♪ I'll be the one
to hold the g*n ♪

♪ I love you more...

♪ I love you more

♪ I don't know
what I knew before ♪

♪ oh, oh, oh!

[puff of breath echoes
and fades]

♪

♪

♪

♪