01x05 - Love Will Tear Us Apart

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Moonshine."

We're shittin' on borrowed time.

As of now, your
full-time job is informant.

Shipment's coming in next weekend.

That's early.

Have the ba*ls to commit for once.

No promises.

- This is my home.
- You can't be serious.

You guys are getting
a divorce, aren't you?

I don't know.

Ugh!

It's cold, it's early.

Too early for me to even
remember my own name.

Good morning, from Cove FM, I guess.

If you're awake at this ugly hour,

you might ask yourself,
"I'm cursed, right?"

Well, according to Harnish's
"A Brief History of Foxton,"

the whole town is cursed.

Thanks to our rascally founder,

Pirate Captain Fox.

'Ol Foxy sailed the ocean blue

and had a merry old time.

Until he shacked up with a hot,

powerful sea witch,

and did the unthinkable...

he got hitched.

But married life gave Foxy
a wandering eye and a fat a*s,

and the sea witch,

well, she wasn't into cheaters
with love handles,

so she packed her broom and beat it.

But, not before cursing Foxy's land.

Anyone married here would be doomed

to pain and sorrow.

And that nagging feeling

she should've just kept on driving.

So if any of you wanna see
the curse in action,

there's a pirate wedding

down at the Shore Club this weekend.

Dust off your best wench

and work up a thirst.

Open bar, b*tches!

Morning, Mom.

Is this life sentence
everything you wanted?

I could use a little
New York right now.

Funny you should say that.

I brought bagels.

So, to the happy couple,

from all of us here at Cove FM,

get out... while you still can.

It's my life, it's my life

Seriously, what are you doing here?

No call, no time to put my
I-still-hate-you-face on.

Is it cheesy if missed you?

Oh, cheesy bullshit.

Okay.

Wow, I kinda pictured
coming back to be

a Lancelot riding in on a grand
gesture sort of moment.

Oh, this is an adolescent white knight

saving a damsel fantasy.
Be still my heart.

I feel like this is going sideways.

What else do your powers
of perception tell us?

I know, our marriage... is roadkill.

And this recent casualty is mostly...

- Entirely.
- entirely my fault.

But that doesn't mean we
can't be unified parents.

I... I really need to see the kids.

They need you, too.

Especially El. She's been...

A perfect brew of your stubbornness,

with my blatant lack of empathy?

- Dad!
- Elly! Oh, Honey!

- Hey, Buddy!
- Hey.

Uh, your Dad's gonna stay
for the weekend.

In Cabin 8.

I know it's not Saturday,

but I'm hoping we can move the
family tradish up by a day?

- Zabar's?
- Bagels. Lox.

Everyone knows the best
Nova Scotia salmon

comes from the Upper West Side.

The Germans were promised an authentic

Nova Scotian pirate wedding

that honours their Jewish heritage,

and that is what we
are going to give them.

- We should divvy up the jobs.
- I am the captain!

Okay, Ryan has arranged
to have the Germans

- picked up at the airport.
- Mm-hmm.

Dad is on the officiant speech.

Church of the good vibes.

Sammy, I need you to learn a
pirate's jig on the fiddle,

by the end of tomorrow.

Or I encourage Finn to spread
his musical wings.

Nice!

We need someone to work the bar.

I'll do it.

Hmm, is that gonna be a problem?

Booze is not my crutch,
little brother.

That'd be helpfulness.

And since Lidia's the queen
of the architects,

she can build the pirate chuppah.

What the hell is a pirate chuppah?

It's a traditional Jewish
wedding canopy.

The four posts represent...

Just make it look like a pirate ship.

On it! Not a problem.

I wish someone had to avoid
their ex all of the time.

What kinda idiot wants to get
married wearing an eye patch?

Doesn't matter how you get married,

as long as your souls intertwine.

Oh, that's a good opener.

Intertwined souls.
That is new-age sh*t,

coming from someone
who enjoys new-age sh*t.

Marriages may not always work,

but weddings almost always do.

Patriarchal rituals

bolstered by the event
planning industry.

Yeah, great way to burn
a bunch of cash

and force your friends and
family to watch you dress up

like a doily.

Maybe you two should take
over the officiant speech.

Doesn't mean I don't believe in love.

Weddings might be old fashioned but...

finding your soulmate
can change your life.

That is the most un-Rhian
thing I've ever heard you say.

And soulmate? You and Oscar
don't even hold hands in public.

I have a tender-loving heart,

and if you say one more word,

I will tear your arm off
and beat you with it.

There she is.

Relying on the old chestnuts?

I never reuse jokes.

I've presided over dozens of weddings,

and each one is like a snowflake.

They eventually melt.

What? How many of those
snowflakes have survived

in this town?
Have you forgotten the curse?

Look, don't blame infidelity
and substance abuse

on a fictional pirate.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, the curse is real.

Maybe that's why our
relationship is solid;

- we never had a wedding.
- No, we didn't need one.

You, me, couple of rings.

Eternal promises made
in front of the sea.

This place is our bond.

As long as our roots remain
in the soil.

You've gotta stop.

And my wild rose gets thorny with age.

I'm not thorny, or that old.

I just hope our bond means
more than a pile of old wood,

and bum septic.

Dad, you can't just push it in.

I built Adelson Tower in SoHo,

I think I can get a sunbrella
to stand.

Ah.

You guys have sunblock on, right?

Nope. I need vitamin D.
Vitamin B, too.

Oh.

- Come on, it's legal in Europe.
- We're not in Europe.

Looks like you could use a cold one.

Oh, what the hell?
Brewski might hit the spot.

What?

A brewski?

- And we're back with our
topic of the day, creepy sh*t.

Witches, curses,
the male gaze, in general.

And of course, ghosts.

More specifically, ghost-ing,

the art of disappearing to
avoid having hard conversations.

Should be called 'chicken sh1tting'.

_

Morning, Babe!

Oh, hey, you're up early!

Well, you can't just sit
around in bed all day

and wish for something,
you gotta get up.

Break some rules.
Make fate your b*tch.

Oh, my God, you know what,
I told Rhian,

if a campground wants
more than one star,

you've gotta get more
than one-ply, right.

- Babe, listen.
- Oh, no,

it's just I don't have time
to chit chat

because I've gotta clean the
cabins for this dumbass wedding.

No, seriously, this is gonna
blow your freaking mind!

I have to go so...
I love you. Okay, bye!

Hey Babe, you forgot your...

We don't hold hands in public.

I thought that was our dynamic,

like hide and seek, but with sex.

Or I figured out your
dirty little secret.

You're scared...

of taking this torrid romance public.

- Totally.
- Oh, I knew it!

Screw the no dating guest by-laws.

I realize I've never felt
this way about anybody -

not my husband, not Dewey
Stevens in the ninth grade.

No one.

My heart is a Venus flytrap,
but I want everybody to know.

Tomorrow night is the wedding.

Nobody loved the Germans enough

to make the transcontinental
trek, so we all gotta show.

Open bar. You're my date.

Everyone in your family's
gonna be there?

They better be they're on the clock.

Black tie? Black tie optional?

More like gold tooth mandatory.

To match my wench outfit.

Oscar, um...

I know our sexual chemistry
it's... expl*sive,

frightening, even, but...

the other stuff's there too, right?

Of course.

I've never felt this way
about a woman before.

Have you felt this way about a man?

No, I was...

Uh, Ryan's VIP pickup
from the airport didn't happen.

The not-so-happy couple had
to take a taxi

- and they're pissed!
- Ryan!

I'm gonna rip his organs from his body

and feed them to him, one by one.

Gita Kumaria texted me, and said

she's doing a summer internship
at the New Museum.

The Shack blows. So does my future.

And boom! That'll make
for one heart-wrenching

college essay.
And what about the prodigy?

- Dad, just don't.
- Okay, fine. I won't.

Total normal son of mine,
who is not a musical genius.

Finn's gonna jam with the
house band on Saturday night.

Oh, from the conservatory
to the roadhouse.

That is so tight!

Did you just say tight?

So mad tight.

Hey!

What do you want?

- Thought we could hang.
- After the sh*t you pulled?

Stealing the mushrooms was a mistake.

I was just trying to impress you guys.

Probably think I'm a hick.

Well, we don't think you're a hick.

More like, idiot. d*ck.

as*h*le.

I'm sorry.

Hey guys, is it cool if we
chill with Michael for a bit?

Is that code for smoking pot?

- Dad!
- Kidding! Sort of.

Have fun.

Better have weed.

What about you? How you holdin' up?

You look like you've got
a Cinderella vibe going.

Pre-fairy Godmother.

I'd k*ll for some magical
helper mice right now.

Hey, you know anything

about German-Jewish nautical chuppahs?

You're late!

Uh, yeah, 'cause some kid
tossed his cookies in the lobby.

Actually, I think it was rocky
road, it was, blech!

I have a job for you.

You are gonna be my fish and snitch.

I don't even know what that means,

but I think that you're
barking up the wrong

minimum wage employee.

I'm going to wire you up, Crystal,

and you are gonna nuzzle up
to every Finley-Cullen,

and find out who the lead turd is

of this smuggling sh*t show,

starting with your boyfriend.

Ugh! Okay, listen,

Ryan is a lot of things,
but he is not a smuggler.

Surely you must have noticed
something.

Off-brand behaviour.

Waking up early; coming home late.

Sneaking out of the house
when he thinks

you're not paying atten...
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

- you know something.
- Hmm, no.

- Talk. - Uh, uh.
- Talk,

or you're gonna be making maxi
pads out of shower flip-flops.

Or shower flip-flops out
of whatever it is you find

in a women's prison, by week's end.

Okay, fine! I'll do it!

Good.

- Good to know that we're uh...
- Don't.

On the same team. Okay, alright...

Oh, and um, you're gonna wanna
wear something other than uh,

a bikini top, because that's,
that's not, gonna hide a wire.

Does your family ever
throw anything out?

One family's garbage

is another family's wedding altar.

Yes!

- Wow!
- It needs some TLC,

but I think we've just found
the star of our pirate chuppah.

Lidz?

Yeah. Cherry B and I were inseparable.

Damn! I wish I knew you back then.

I wouldn't have dated you.

I would've made fun of you.
I liked bad boys.

Ah!

So, whatever happened to Lidz?

I mean, that, that whole part
of your life is like a,

a black hole. You never
talk about your past.

Can we get back to the pirate
chuppah, please?

Oh. You see that?

Do you think all these secrets
could've had a negative effect

on our marriage?

The therapy bills point to yes.

It's a long and un-interesting story.

My real Dad came back
one fall, I was 16.

He said he wanted to take me
and Nora to New York.

Then my Mom sent him packing
and I never saw him again.

I swear I'd never forgive her.

I wanted to get as far away
from this place as I could.

So, I applied to architecture
school in New York.

Met a cute TA, and you know the rest.

Funny how it takes a separation

to find out who your
partner really is.

I wish we had more of that.

Yes!

Ancestral weed? Huh.

Hmm.

- No. Thank you, though.
- A bad boy would.

- Gimme that. Mm-hmm.
- I do.

There you go.

Oh.

Lidz!

Wanna show you something.

Well, it's, it's rigorous,

but it has a, a naturalism.

A nod to Kengo Kuma, yeah?

Yeah, I wanted to acknowledge
the local vernacular,

but with a modern spin.

It reminds me of the stuff
that we used to mess

around with in the early days,

but it's more, it's more refined.

This is excellent work, Lidia!

Mmm. Ah!

Oy.

Hi.

We should've separated a long time ago

because last night was hot.

Think about the sex we'd
have if we were divorced.

Maybe we could figure out
a way to have our pancakes

and eat them, too.

Are you saying what
I think you're saying?

- Oh, my queen will be fed.
- Hmm.

- Too much?
- Yeah.

But I want starch, with extra syrup.

Let's not confuse the kids. Beat it.

All right.

Good morning, darling.

Hey. Hi!

I was just passing by
on a morning stroll and...

- Oh!
- Looking to cook breakfast

to make up for the fact
that Mom's imprisoned us

in a barren culinary wasteland?

- Come on in.
- You sure?

- Mm-hmm!
- All right, thanks.

- How are you?
- Good! Nice day out there.

- Who would like some pancakes?
- I do.

There's no decapitation, is there?

Um, there will be if you don't explain

the ghosting bullshit.

What? A ticket. Seriously?

Public mischief is a criminal offence.

I'm done with the games, Nora.

Right, you hate games.

That's why you haven't answered
any of my texts or calls,

and you pull a no-show
at The Shore Club.

Oh, I showed up, but you didn't notice

because you were too busy with Duffy.

- I saw you two at the bar.
- Gotcha.

And instead of talking to me about it,

- your master plan was to sulk.
- It was pretty clear

what was going on. Why would
I wanna talk about it?

Because you trust me?

Because I'm always honest with you?

Because you, of all people,

are too smart to jump to conclusions?

Nora Finley-Cullen, a raging sl*t,

who deserves to be assaulted
outside a bar.

No, it's fine, judge away.

Public mischief. Write the ticket!

Nora.

I...

You wanna press charges?

- You want me to arrest this guy?
- Stop!

I don't need some guy pulling
macho ego bullshit

to save me from some other
guy's macho ego bullshit.

Lids and Rhian and I already
handled the as*h*le.

It's fine.

- I'm an idiot.
- Yeah!

But whatever!

If all it takes for you to bail
is one miscommunication.

- I can fix this.
- No, no.

- Let me fix this.
- No, it's too late!

You disappeared.

I have to go do the news.

Need help?

Either you've done something ill*gal

or you want my credit card.

I'm not that shady.

Shady is the trauma of hearing
what you guys did last night.

Ohhhhh. Busted.

Relax. It's gross.

I'm happy, I guess.

Means we get to go home, right?

El, this is a...

complicated situation. But...

you know what?

We'll all be home soon.

121.

1... 06.

You owe me $275.

I'll take it off your tab.

Not as much fun when we
can't both trounce Felicia.

Oh, I miss her, too.

Bet you do.

The one family member that
makes you all seem normal.

All set for tonight.

Shipment will be dropped off
at the wharf.

Bit public?

Oh, with everybody liquored
up at the wedding.

I've heard talk.

RCMP's been poking around
the shipyard in Halifax.

Just a matter of time
before they're on to us.

- One mistake...
- I know the deal.

What does Ken say about all this?

He wants what I want.

Money to keep this place afloat.

You haven't told him about
leveraging The Moonshine,

have you?

My marriage, my business.

One and done.

Nothing will go wrong, Jill.

Need a lift, miss?

Uh, no, I haven't gotten
my steps in yet.

Since when do you count steps?

Come on, Babe, I got that thing
I wanna show you.

- You're gonna flip!
- Not now, Ryan!

Whoa with the sketch macro
aggressions.

Okay, you know what?
Maybe I'm just upset

because your cheap a*s family

doesn't pay me overtime,
which is probably a violation

of some sort of cleaning
girl union order thingy.

Anyway, the faster I finish
my cleaning,

the less resentful I feel
about how I'm not getting paid

what I'm worth, so please, just
let me finish my cleaning now.

Okay, Ryan? Thank you.

Hey, it's gorgeous today.

You're seriously working?

You inspired me.

Oh. Ha.

Well?

Yes! Classic Daniel.

Modern, splashy, expensive.

It's gorgeous. Really.

It feels right. Right?

This calls for espresso.

- The Moonshine has espresso?
- Yeah, Zabar's finest!

You two seem chummy.

- We're collaborating.
- Oh yeah?

With your private parts?

So, I slept with my husband, okay.

It's the most action
I've had in years.

I, too, am getting the most
action I've had in years.

Not with my husband, though.

Two shitty marriages and
we're both getting laid.

Could be worse.

What happened to the roof thingys?

That's... tacky.

Daniel likes embellishments.

Yours is better.

- Is that a compliment?
- No, I hate them both,

I just hate yours a little less.

Me too.

Hey, Scallywag, open up!

I want you to shiver my timbers!

Ow!

You okay?

Yeah! Amazing.

You're scared my family
won't approve of you.

It's like you could read
my body and my mind.

They don't like anyone,

but I don't need their approval
and neither do you.

There's only one thing that matters,
their envy.

But first, I need
to plunder your riches.

Permission to come aboard?

Wh-why don't you go on ahead? Um...

I need to get changed.

I wanna leave the best
impression for your family.

- Argh!
- Argh!

Grr! No! Yar! Oh!

AGH!

Hey, Dad.

Um...

there's someone I want you
to meet tonight. Okay?

Someone special.

What's another word for engaged?

Betrothed?

Um, okay,

I know my marriage only fell
apart like, a month ago, but...

Hey, have you seen the Germans?

Still getting dressed, probably.

I hope they shake a leg.

It's time to get this party started.

Oh... I can't wait to meet
your friend.

I'm happy you're happy, Honey.

Thanks, Dad.

We are live!

Can you hear me?

Yeah.

Hey there, pretty lady!

Hey!

Brucey.

- Hey.
- The ush?

DC and bar lime. Hit me.

Everything all right, man?

Yeah, I'm good.

Tough being sober, working the bar.

- Said I'm good.
- Right.

Decent play list.

Nice uh, warm-up for the band.

It doesn't change the fact
that I look like an idiot.

Okay, everyone looks like an
idiot, all right. Own it!

It'll be fun! Right?

Plus, chicks dig it.

Guys too.

What's with the turtleneck?

Uh, I'm just... cold.

You know I could help you out
with that, though.

- Oh no, not now, Ryan.
- Jesus, Crystal,

I've been trying to tell you
something all day

and you won't even look
at me. Talk to me, please!

Yes! Talk to him!

It's just not a good time, Ryan, and,

and I don't wanna hear anymore
about your schemes right now.

No, this is not about
the shrooms, okay,

this is totally different.
It's bigger, it's better!

Okay, no! These are gonna
get cold, so I gotta...

I know you're losing faith in me,

but I promise,

after tonight, all our problems
are solved. Baby...

No! Babe! Ryan! Ryan!

- Let him say it!
- Ahhh! You dumb sh*t!

Okay, you have no idea
what is going on.

It's that Oscar guy, isn't it?

- I saw you two at his cabin.
- What?

Yes, that is, that's...
it's that Oscar guy.

Do you love him?

All's I know is
that I want to break up.

You're just too clean
and honest for me,

and I just, I need more action.

I need, I need a bad boy.

So, for those reasons,
we are done, Ryan.

So, goodbye forever.

Agh!

Oh stupid.

Ah!

Has anyone seen the happy couple?

Not since last night. Everything okay?

I'll go by the cabin
and see if Old Man Romance

can calm some nerves. Halt!

Okay. I'm okay.

I'll get some air; I'll clear my head.

I'm gonna figure this out.

Think!

Oh great.

I knew it!

Ryan! Tequila!

You got it!

Perfect! I feel nothing!

Up your kilt!

Hey, everybody, we're back!

Get on the dance floor!

Wooo!

Ah, still no sign of the Germans, huh.

It'd be a shame to let our,
our buxom chuppah go to waste.

Let's dance.

- Come on.
- Ah, Daniel.

- Come on, Lidz.
- Uh...

Like old times.

No, Daniel...

Woo!

That's our kid!

How is it going?

Look who it is.

Hey, as*h*le!

- Shh!
- Bangin' my sister.

- Makin' moves on Crystal.
- Shut up!

Standing on my wharf,

which is clearly marked
"Moonshine Guests Only"

- which you are not.
- Shh! Stop!

Because guests are people you
invite and I'm uninviting you!

I can't dance with you, Daniel,

because this isn't me anymore.

I want you to come home with me. I...

I want us to work this out.

- Stop.
- Stop what?

Stop!

I want a divorce.

I knew you were involved in this.

In love, man.

Crystal is my everything.

You can't take that away from me.

- Whoa, Ryan.
- Don't you get that?

sh*t!

Oscar!

Buddy?

Heinrich?

Lina?

Hey, have you seen Oscar?

Not tonight.

Okay, well you should know
that he's my wedding date.

There's not gonna be a wedding.

Flip frickin' right there will be.

Nope! Two German tourists
were stranded overnight

in the Ovens Sea Caves
and almost drowned.

Search and rescue chopper
is on its way to pick them up.

You know anything about that?

I might have sent them off to dig

for Captain Fox' treasure.

You're lucky they lived
to tell the tale.

Oh, goddammit!

You don't have to leave tonight.

We can talk this through.

There's nothing left to say.

Daniel, you've taught me
more than anyone,

and the company and family
we've built together,

- I'm endlessly proud of...
- Then why?

We could do so much more together.

Because together doesn't mean equal.

I just need to be in the
driver's seat of my own life!

Look around, Lidz!

You're in the driver's seat
of a junker!

I, I knew it was a mistake
to try and bring you back.

Bring me back?

Yeah, I told your Mother
it was a bad idea.

What does this have
to do with my Mother?

She's the one who called me.
She said you needed me.

My Mother... called you?

She doesn't even like you.

I don't like her either, but
she wanted us back together.

She wanted you to leave this place.

I can't believe I agreed to it.

I guess we're both suckers
for punishment.

No, just wait. Wait.

Take Eleanor back to New York
with you, okay.

She doesn't like it here.

I want her to be happy.

No.

I need time to process this.

I... tell, tell the kids uh,
I had a work emergency.

Tell... tell the kids whatever.

You wanna be the driver. Drive!

Gimme a toke of that!

- Are you kidding me?
- sh*t.

The rebellious thing is wearing thin.

Oh, my God, it's just pot!

What's the worst that can happen,

I'll have an extra burrito?

Dad wouldn't care. I'm gonna ask him.

- Your father's leaving.
- What?

When? He said I could come with him.

El, New York's not gonna happen yet.

Did Dad say no?

I said no.

I want you here with me.

Why is everything always
about you, and what you want?

Because I suck. Get used to it.

You did this.

You sent him away?

I will never forgive you for this.

sh*t!

Any word on the Germans?

Yeah, they're recovering.

At the Four Seasons, on our tab.

I need to tell you something.

A preamble?

Usually, you just spit it out.

Or say nothing.

I made a deal with Jill LeBlanc.

One shipment.

In, out.

Enough to carry us through the season.

Pay the staff. Fix the septic.

I thought our pirate days
were behind us.

So did I.

And you're fronting this deal, how?

Oh, no.

Jill will never get her hands
on this place.

- I won't allow it.
- This is our home.

It's everything we have.

No.

It's our curse.

Always was.

Ryan, you're drunk.

Hey.

What is that?

It's what I've been
trying to show you.

I dropped off the money
for the first and last

on the apartment.

- This was your big deal?
- Yeah.

Oh.

Ry, I never wanted to break up.

No, I just, I needed Oscar
to think that I didn't care

and I didn't want you to say
anything to incriminalize you.

So, I faked it, to protect you.

You weren't fooling around with Oscar?

No! What? No! God, no! Ew!

That hair and those shorts?

No! I only love you.

No one else.

You're my soulmate.

My Pirate.

I screwed up.

I screwed up, big time.

Babe, it's okay.

You think I don't wanna be
nibble-deep in a hot tub

full of Skinny Girl
margarita mix right now?

It's not that.

You're right, I want vodka.
So much vodka.

- I k*lled my buddy!
- Wh...

What?

Oh.

No, Ryan.

You k*lled a cop.

"Dearly beloved,

we've gathered here today,
on land that was founded

by a drunken pirate
and an evil sea witch,

to marry Heinrich and Lina.

Why would anyone choose
to wed in a town

famous for cursed marriages?"

"Because real pirates
know that love is a dream.

That only turns into
a curse if you let it."

"What the legend of
Captain Fox doesn't tell you

is that the sea witch and the pirate

started with hope."

Let me out!

"Hope that they could
weather the storm together.

So, if love is a curse...

so be it.

Let's all choose to die

a thousand deaths."

Not now, Lidia.

Then when, Mom? When?

Were you ever gonna tell me
why you asked Daniel here?

I did what I thought was best.

Do you really not want me here?

I mean, do you hate me that much?

Tell me the truth.

The truth.

Fine.

I don't want you here.