02x09 - American Boy

[bunniefuu]

Mom!

Mom!
Naz:

Mom!
Naz: I'm

Mom!
Naz: I'm here.

Where's my little
Persian princess?

Oh, sh*t.
She's washing my shorts.

I have a very important
parental task for you.

Mom, I need you to sign
my permission slip

for the sophomore trip
to Vancouver.

What's this?

Vancouver is
a wonderful city.

You would not believe
the rain.

Everything is so wet.

I love it.
Have you been there?

I have not, but I have walked
its streets many times

on Google Earth.

Chad must go to Vancouver.

Mm, mm.
You heard it here first.

Must go to Vancouver!

God damn it,
he has my back.

I love that man.
Naz: I'll get to it later.

I'm getting an Oreo stain
out of your cargo shorts.

Mom, it's very urgent, okay?

I need your signature on all
the lines that say "signature,"

and I need my passports
to bring to school on Friday

for a spot check.

A passport?

You need it
for international travel.

Pfft.
Okay.

Um... Chad, you know
how me and your dad

were going back and forth
between Iran and the U.S.

until you were 2?
Yeah.

Dad's like me--
He's a mover and a shaker.

Uh-huh.

Well, we don't have
American passports.

Damn, okay.
Reckless.

Well, should we head down
to the passport store,

or is this more
of a Costco trip?

It takes some time.

I'm-- I'm working on it,
but it's...

a little bit complicated.

How is it complicated,
Mom?

I'm an American citizen,

and I'm asking you to give me
my American passport.

Chad, sweetie, that's what
I'm trying to explain to you.

You're not
an American citizen.

Yet.

♪

Great season, everyone.

I'll see you all next year.

♪

Dude!
What are you doing?!

Boy: Oh, my God.

Ferydoon eats his hot dog
like a corn on the cob!

[ Laughter ]

What's corn on the cob?

[ Laughter ]

♪

Should we address the fact
that your eyes

are a completely
different color?

Not unless you have a problem
with how American I look.

I know how lukewarm
you are on America.

That's not true.

And what does any of that
have to do

with changing your eye color?

'Cause I felt like it.

You're always going on
about "my body, my choice."

Well, guess what-- It's
my body, and it is my choice.

Oh, my God.
You're so whitewashed.

Aww.
Thank you, Niki.

That was unexpected,
ya little cutie.

Let me guess--
You have a problem

with my American flag hoodie,
as well.

I actually don't.

I think
it's loud and exciting

and a little bit like,
"What is going on, though?"

Niki, you should know
our mom has been hiding

a deep, dark secret
from us.

We are not U.S. citizens.

She's so pissed at you.

Chad, I was born 15 minutes
down the street.

So, I actually am
a U.S. citizen.

Oh, crap,
oh, crap, oh, crap.

Niki?

The second one
that came out of you

has a U.S. passport
and I don't?

Yes.

Okay.

Chad...

Chad, no!

Well, we have to get a guy
to fix the other one anyway!

♪

Is there anything you wanna
say to me right now?

Nope.

Thank you, Peter.
You're a good kid.

Good morning, everyone.

All right, let's open up to
chapter four of our textbooks.

Do you mind if we actually
go a few chapters

further back than that?

To when we used to say
the Pledge of Allegiance

in this class
every single day?

What happened
to that chapter?

What's going on, Chad?

Just a little question
off the dome.

Not trying to be a d*ck,
but flag's right there,

naked as hell,
waiting for us to worship her.

Actually, we haven't
done that in years.

I believe it was
a school-board decision.

Okay. Well, the school board
can kiss my little American a*s.

Chad, we're not doing this
right now.

Call me crazy,
but I love this country.

And I'm pretty damn proud
to be a citizen inside of it.

Chad, please.

Does anyone have a problem
with me

saying
the Pledge of Allegiance?

Hmm.

You hear that?

It's the deafening silence
of support.

Does this need to happen
right now?

It absolutely does.

Does anybody wanna join me, please?

Peter?

Um...

okay.

Thank you, Peter.

I pledge-- What are you--
Why are you kneeling?

I don't support
police brutality.

Okay. Well,
I don't support that, either.

I pledge of allegiance
to the flag

of the United States
of America.

And to the Republicans
for which I stan,

one God,
totally invisible,

with liberty
and Christianity for all.

Amen.

That was pretty much it, right?

I think so.
I don't remember it.

[ Laughter on TV ]

I've got a surprise
for you.

Awesome.
What is it?

I got
all the documents sorted

for your
Vancouver field trip.

You got my passport?

No, not exactly.

But something
just as good.

What the hell is this?

That's everything you need
to show your teacher on Friday.

It's your resident
alien paperwork.

Resident alien paperwork?

Are you kidding me?

So I-I'm not
a U.S. citizen?

I'm a g*dd*mn UFO
from the planet Iran?

Yeah, I always thought
that was a poor word choice.

Mom, I have spent
my entire life grinding

to not be
the foreign kid,

and you want me to waltz
in there with a beefy-a*s novel

like I'm some kind of
deranged paralegal?

Honey, it's everything you need
to go across the border.

It's not about the border!
It's not about the trip!

It's about
the moment in class

where everyone's gonna show
their shiny American passports,

and I'm friggin' showing up

with a filing cabinet
of documentation!

I mean, half of these pages
are in Farsi!

I might as well ride in
on a magic carpet!

[ Remote clicks ]

I'm just trying to be
a g*dd*mn American boy,

and you want me to be freakin'
Aladdin from "Agargrabah."

I'm sorry, Chad.

I'm not Aladdin, Hamid.

I know.

You're not Aladdin.

♪

[ Thud ]

♪

Where am I?

Take this hot chocolate.

You're inside a moving car.

No, I-I know that, Hamid,
but why?

It's pitch black
on a school night.

You're
such a gentle sleeper,

I didn't have the heart
to wake you.

You looked like
a human kitten.

Where are we going?

Bah bah!

Salam Farhad joon.

Perfect timing!

I was about to have dinner.
Come on.

Dinner?
It's 1:00 in the morning.

♪

[ Speaking
in native language ]

[ Speaking
in native language ]

Hey,
do you remember Mohsen?

Oh, I've spent more time
with Mohsen

than members
of my immediate family, Farhad.

And are you guys roommates?

Is this, like, a Bert
and Ernie situation or what?

No, Mohsen's just chilling.

I have something for you.

Chad, you probably
just think of Farhad

as a man who gossips heavily
and loves to clap.

I didn't know either
of those things.

Come here.

Hamid, I would love to know
what's going on.

What you don't know
about Farhad is,

he's a badass
and a revolutionary.

Whoa.

Dang, Farhad's got, like,


Well, in a way.

He risked his life
forging green cards

to help these people escape
during the revolution.

If it weren't for Farhad,
most of them

would be imprisoned,
or even worse, k*lled.

Whoa.

He really did that?

Just out of the goodness
of his heart?

My gosh.

Wait.
Hamid, is that you?

Look at you.
You were yoked.

I was one of the people
he saved.

You were?
Yes.

And he's coming out
of retirement just for you.

Hey!

Check out this bad boy.

What is it?

He made me a passport?!
You made me a passport?!

Boy, Farhad,
another masterpiece.

You haven't lost your touch
at all.

Oh, my gosh,
thank you so much.

I mean,
talk about saving lives!

Hey.
Before I give it to you,

I need you
to look in my eye

and promise me this is
just to show your class, huh?

Yeah, I promise.
He's serious, Chaddy.

This is just
to show your class

so you don't look
like a child loser.

Yeah, I swear.
I'll only use it to fit in.

Yes, it's just
for fitting in.

Fitting in!
Fitting in.

- Fitting in!
- Don't do that.

♪ La, la-la-la, la ♪
You guys...

Both: ♪ Fitting in ♪

♪ La, la-la-la la ♪

What?
♪ Fitting in ♪

♪ La, la-la-la, la,
fitting in ♪

You guys, this has just got
so Persian so fast.

Alexa, play Googoosh!

Alexa: Here's some music
by Googoosh on Amazon Music.

Wait. What are you do--

Why are
you getting Alexa involved?

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

Eh!
What?

There's just a lady here now
with a to-go plate?

She's Mohsen's girlfriend,
and she's a wonderful dancer!

Alexa, volume 10!

H-- Volume 10--
Okay.

How many people live
in this home?!

♪

Time to flash this puppy
for the field trip.

I almost forgot mine.

Oh, crap, Ethan.
Oh, my God.

Yours is all banged up
and-- holy sh*t--

chock-full of stamps.

Can I have my passport back, please?

So many stamps.

If everyone can pull out
their passports

and pass them up
to the front of the class...

Wait. What?

W-Why are
we passing them up?

I thought you were
just gonna look at them.

Remember?

You guys, are we just gonna
hand over our passports

to Mr. Henderson?

Yeah, Chad.
He's our teacher.

This is complete identity fraud
waiting to happen, you guys.

Chad, no one wants to steal
your identity. You're a child.

Then what the hell
are you gonna do with these?

It's a photocopy.
It's not a big deal.

It's for the consulate.

Chad, is everything okay?

[ Sighs ]

No, I can't...

I-- Wait, hold on.
I--

Really quick!
I just can't.

Quick for what?
Chad, let go.

Chad, I need your passport!
Do you want to go?

Do you want to go
on the trip or not?

I d-o-o-o.

Thank you.

[ Sighs ]

I'm going to the bathroom!

♪

Chad, what's going on?

It's not safe in here.

We got to go in a stall.

Please tell me--

Is this about
your baby-blue contacts?

They don't look good on you
at all.

You look like a purebred husky.
Fine.

I'll take the stupid
contacts out.

Thank you.
Ugh!

God damn it!

I have Hot Cheeto dust
on my fingers, and it burns!

[ Grunts ]

I'm only doing one!

Oh, God,
that's so much worse.

I have some pretty hard-core
news to share with you, Peter.

I'm not a citizen
of the United States.

Well, that makes sense.

You were born in Tehran,
and obtaining citizenship

does take
a decent amount of time.

Well, I'm glad to see
you're taking this so well.

I've been absolutely devastated
for the last two days.

Mm.
Okay.

So, the point is,
Hamid and Farhad

just completely made me
a fake passport,

and I accidentally
just turned it in.

So tell me-- How serious
is that, legally speaking?

Oh, my God. I think
that might actually be a felony.

Okay. But it's not like
felonies are sometimes--

Like, yeah,
sometimes they're bad,

but sometimes
they're not bad.

Chad, you gotta get
that passport back!

Stop yelling at me!

You're right.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

♪

[ Door slams ]
sh*t!

♪

Peter.

♪

[ Sighs ]

Oh, god damn it, Peter!

[ School bell rings ]

[ Gasps ]
[ Door opens ]

♪

[

[ Babak

[ Babak chirps

[ Babak chirps ]

[ Babak chirps ]
Yes, it

[ Babak chirps ]
Yes, it is

[ Babak chirps ]
Yes, it is time.

Time for your bath.

Hamid, I did something
really bad,

and I need to tell you
right now.

Chaddy, it's Babak's bath time.
What's wrong?

Please put
that g*dd*mn Q-Tip down.

I tried to use the passport
for fitting in, like you said,

and then Mr. Henderson took it,
and I tried to get it back,

and then I panicked,
and then, look--

I ended up stealing
everyone's passports!

[ Gasps ] Oh, God,

that's so many more passports

than I pictured
when you said it just now.

I don't know what to do!

I will turn myself in.
No!

This was my idea, and,
therefore, it is my fault.

First, I will finish
Babak's Q-Tip sponge bath.

Then I will wait till
your mother gets home.

Then I will cook dinner
for everyone, obviously.

Make sure everyone eats
some fesenjoon,

maybe a little sabzi polo.

Then I will drive myself
right down

to the police station.

Hamid, you can't!
I won't let you do that!

Your words
will not stop me.

I have to do what is right.

And who knows?

Maybe a mine like me will thrive
in the American prison system.

I love a community.

Oh, God.

♪

[ Cash register dings ]

[ Cell door slams ]

♪

Oh, my God.

♪

I know we barely ever talk,
Misha,

but you're the g*dd*mn light
of my life,

and don't you forget it!

♪

♪

No. No!

[ Sighs ]

sh*t! sh*t! sh*t!

♪

[ Sirens wailing ]

♪

Chad?
What's going on?

Why did you want me
to come here?

I wanted to say goodbye
to you, Peter.

In the most American place
I could think of.

You didn't return
the passports?

I couldn't.

Hamid was gonna
turn himself in,

so I stole the passports,

and now I have
to run away forever.

Probably gonna live off
the land somewhere.

I hope hunting isn't hard.

That's surprisingly selfless
of you.

Hey, if they ever make a biopic
about my tragic life,

will you please make sure
someone really cool

like Dave Franco plays me?

I would actually love for it
to be him specifically.

I don't know if I'll be totally
involved in the production,

but I'll try.

Thanks.

I guess this is goodbye.

Where are you gonna go?

I don't know.

I'll just wander off.

Maybe even start my own
little country.

Call it Chad.

There's already a country
called Chad, so...

[ Laughs ]
Can you imagine?

That'd be hilarious.

Chad, it's not too late
to fix this.

I'll help you
turn them in.

Yes, yes.

It'll be that simple, okay?

Not simple.

Chad...

What does it matter, anyway?

No matter how hard I try,
I'm...

always gonna be seen
as Ferydoon from Iran.

I don't fit in anywhere.

I-I'm too Persian
to be American,

and I'm too American
to be Persian.

I...

I'm lost!

That's not true.

You're the most American boy
I know.

You're just saying that
'cause you adore me.

It doesn't matter what it says
on your passport.

You're American.

You love hot dogs,
you love watching reality TV,

you have
this incredible drive

to be famous
for whatever reason--

I'm just tryna get
that blue checkmark by my name.

You think you're always right
even when there's

overwhelming evidence
to the contrary.

You wear flip-flops
on planes--

Oh, and you don't trust
any salads that aren't iceberg.

My God, Peter, when you
put it like that,

I am the most
American boy, huh?

Peter...

Mm?

I think I know
what I need to do.

♪

Mr.

Mr. Henderson:

Mr. Henderson:
And

Mr. Henderson:
And that's

Mr. Henderson:
And that's why

Mr. Henderson:
And that's why imperialism

Mr. Henderson:
And that's why imperialism--

I'd like permission
to speak, please.

Um...
Mr. Henderson.

Chad, we're in the middle
of a lesson.

Well, that's perfect,

'cause I have my own
little lesson for all of you.

Take a seat.
[ Sighs ]

Sure.

I, Chad Amani,

am not a U.S. citizen.

Go ahead.
Make your little insults,

sneer your little sneers.

I bet some of you think
it's disgusting

I'm from a different country.

Uh, Kendall was born
in England.

Cry me a river.
That's one of the white ones.

I was born in Guadalajara.

Can everyone stop talking
while I'm talking... Theo?

Please.

Mm-hmm.

The point is, it actually
makes me pretty damn American

to not be from America.

Yeah, I bet you don't
even know this,

but some of your grandparents

are even from
different kinds of places.

How's that for a mind freak?

Everybody knows that, bro.

The interruptions
have got to stop, Theo!

We-- We cannot just be the two
brown kids going at each other.

I simply won't do it.

It's not just boring-a*s
regulars like your grandparents,

but famous people, too.

Ryan Reynolds--
not American.

Seth Rogen-- not American.

The Hemsworthseses--
not American.

The point is, I stole
all of your passports.

What?

Chad,
why would you do that?!

That's ill*gal!

I don't know.

But I'm an American boy,
and I'm gonna keep on shinin'!

[ Chanting ] U.S.A.!

U.S.A.!
Come on, everybody!

[ Chanting ] U.S.A.!
U.S.A. Thanks, Peter!

Together: U.S.A.!
No, no, no, no.

Come on! U.S.A.!
No.

U.S.A.!
Oh, my God.

U.S.A.! U.S.--

♪ Boys, all you boys ♪

♪ Think you're so American ♪

♪ Girls, all you girls ♪

♪ Yeah, you're so American ♪

♪ There's two eyes
for every one of us ♪

♪ But somebody got there first
and took them all ♪

♪ There's two eyes
for every one of us ♪

♪ But somebody got there first
and took them all ♪

♪