02x07 - New Brother

[bunniefuu]

Chad: Mom...?

Yeah?

What the hell is
all this blush for?

That's eye shadow,
Chad.

Call it
whatever you want,

but the blush,
the bare shoulders--

I don't like
how pretty you look.

Where are you going?

Book club.

I told you this morning, remember?

So you're telling me

you painted
your face

to look like
a Persian Geisha

just to go talk to your
little friends about some books?

Yep. Call me if you need
anything, sweetie.

Just one more question,
Mom.

If you're going to
a book club,

then where's
your g*dd*mn book?

♪

You're not gonna
like this,

but I have some big-a*s news
for you--

Mom's on a date
right now.

No sh*t. She's been going
on dates for a while.

What? With who?
I don't know.

Wow, I honestly can't believe
you didn't realize.

I mean, she's been wearing
push-up bras

and getting blowouts
for a month now.

Yeah, well, sorry I'm not

monitoring my own
mother's chest, Niki.

Hamid, you're technically
an adult.

What do you know?

Mm.
Mm?

Pfft.
Mm.

What are these sounds,
Hamid?

The sounds of
no knowledge.

Nothing?
Nada.

Zip. Zero.
Zilch.

Zilch?
Zilch.

Hmm.
Hmm.

Well, wh-- Well,
what are you doing?

Why are you lying to me?

I'm not lying.
[ Chuckles ]

Then what's so funny?

You giggle
when you're nervous.

What? No, man.
I'm chill.

Chill as AF.

I don't like being lied to,
Hamid.

I don't like it
one g*dd*mn bit.

Okay, this is weird.
I'm out.

Niki, sit your a*s down!

- Nah.
- Please stay.

Come on, big guy.

Hi.
It's me-- Chaddy joon.

Your favorite little
almost son.

We tell each other
everything, right?

Our hopes,
our dreams...

Oh, sh*t, I'm cracking.

Who is it?

PTA meeting.

What now?

It's someone from
a PTA meeting.

I think it's a teacher.

That's all
she would tell me.

sh*t, I said it.

[ Sighs ]

Hamid,
be proud of yourself.

You gave it your best.
Yeah.

To be honest,
I kinda can't believe

I got you to squeal
so quickly.

Mm.
[ Bell rings ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Uh, hey, Reid,
what's up?

Hey, hey.

How crazy is this wind
we've been having?

Uh, yeah, it's been--
it's been windy.

All right, you got me.

The wind comment
was bullshit.

I was just saying that
to start a conversation.

Are we cool?

I don't know, man.

Well, s-- I-- sh*t.

I have a lead
on your mother's lover.

Jesus Christ, Peter--
announce yourself.

Hi.
Hi.

I have a lead
on your mother's lover.

Let's hear it.
Mr. Hanson, biology.

Rumor has it he had
an all-out orgy

with some of the elderly
crossing guards

behind the soccer nets.
A sex orgy?

There's only one kind of orgy,
but, yeah.

But what does that have to do
with my mother?

Nothing, hopefully.

It's just some information
I picked up along the way.

Oh, my God.
I'm freaking out right now.

My mom's dating
a friggin' teacher?

It's disgusting.

I mean, no one's more supportive
of educators than me,

but they just should not

be romantically involved
with people.

Chad, look.

Isn't that your mom
with Charles?

Charles?

[ Indistinct conversation ]

♪

[ Gasps ]

What's for lunch, Charles?

Chad,
Jesus Christ.

I bet you've worked up quite the
little appetite, haven't you?

What are you
talking about?

I know about you
and my mother.

I saw you guys canoodling
in the hallway

like a couple of
freakin' horny divorcées.

Oh, my God.

This is so funny.

No.

Chad,
I was talking to your mom

because
Mrs. Goodman was worried

that geometry might be too tough
for you to handle.

Wait. Why? Did your mom say
something about me?

Chad?

I'm in a relationship,
but I'm totally willing

to end it for her
if she said there was a vibe.

Did she say
there was a vibe?

My thing is very fluid.

Did you get a new jacket?

Oh, yeah.
Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, um, I'm sorry.
No, that's okay.

I just like knowing when
you're getting a new jacket.

That's totally fair.

All right.

Okay, her Fitbit
says we're close.

So, yeah, we pretty much
just need to find her

in one of these


Well, her car's parked
in that driveway, and...

Oh, my God.
My mom's dating Reid?

♪

So, obviously, this isn't how
we wanted to tell you, but...

Here we are.

I'm dating Alan.

Who is Reid's dad.

This is
your friggin' dad.

He looks like
a supermodel.

It's great to meet you,
Chad.

I've heard a lot
about you.

Wow.
That is incredible.

Reid, did you know
about these two?

Uh, yeah.

And you were just
holding out on me?

Uh, I just figured telling you
would be like a whole thing.

Yeah, totally.

W-What would be
a whole thing?

I mean, you're just, like,

kind of the most, like,
specific kid in school.

Thank you.

Sweet.

Hey, Reid, do you have
a twin-size bed,

a double bed,
or bunk beds?

What's your bed situation
here?
What?

In case I spend the night
since our parents are dating.

Chad, I think we're getting
a little ahead of ourselves.

You're right.
Why don't we start with dinner?

Can you guys come over
for dinner this weekend?

How do you feel
about rising-crust

thick-a*s
Tombstone pizzas?

Who doesn't like pizza?

[ Laughs ]
[ Chuckles awkwardly ]

Peter.

Yeah?

Reid's dad.

Hi.

All right.

Well, I obviously don't want
to get ahead of myself,

because who knows
what will happen

with the two
of your guys' relationship.

And I've been told to
curb a lot of my instincts

and only say a third of
the things I want to say, so...

I will just say that,
yeah, basically,

I love you, new dad,
and let's see how it goes.

Guys, I'm really worried
about this penne.

It looks
a little bit wet.

Chad, I haven't even
strained it yet.

It's not gonna be wet.

Oh, thank God.

Hey, Hamid,
how do I look?

Be real with me.
So handsome.

You're sure
I don't look like

the wait staff
of a Korean barbecue?

No, you look like the frickin'
manager of the Korean barbecue.

What the sh*t
are you wearing?

I'd ask you
the exact same thing.

You look like
the ghost of a child

who passed
from scarlet fever!

Mom, please do something
about this.
[ Doorbell rings ]

Chad, your sister
looks adorable.

She looks like she's wearing
straight-up napkins!

Niki, go change.

Mom, please do not
answer that door yet.

We're not ready.
Chad...

Just don't answer it
until Niki changes her outfit!

This is embarrassing!
Mm!

Hi!
Welcome.

Hi.
Wow.

You look great.

Thank you.

Hey, bud.

Hey.

Chad, can you put these
in some water, honey?

Mm-hmm.
Absolutely.

Niki, put-- can you
put these in water, honey?

Sick top, Niki.

Thanks, Reid.

She looks like
Harry Styles.

Alan,
tell them the Spain story.

It's my favorite.
Oh.

So I was headed to
Barcelona for work,

which is just
an incredible city.

Have you been?
Oh, no.

No, "Grand Theft Auto"
hasn't been there yet,

so it's not
on my radar.

Well, I had a day off,

and I find myself on this
really beautiful course.

Just these gorgeous views
of the Montserrat mountains.

Oh.
I'm on the ninth hole,

and the caddy
starts freaking out.

Now, I don't speak a word
of Spanish,

so you can imagine
that I'm just like,

"What are you
yelling at me about?"

Like, you don't yell
on a golf course.

Dad, maybe stop talking about
golf because nobody else cares.

- Oh.
- Oh, my God, Reid,

just fully roasting your dad
in front of everyone.

Reid, come on.

What is this vibe?

I like it, though.

Should the three of us
play golf sometime?

Oh, yeah.
Can I be the caddy?

I'm not totally sure
what the caddy does,

but I feel like
I could really do it.

I mean, really do it.

Hamid,
the position is yours.

Yes!
And I would love to, bud.

This'll be
so much fun!

Yeah.
His name isn't "bud."
It's Chad.

Chad Armani.
He's from Iraq.

Oh, um, it's Amani.

And we're technically
from Iran, but...

you were pretty close,

and that honestly means
a lot to me, Reid.

Okay, Dad.

I'm sorry.

Um,
where's the bathroom?

Down the hall
to the left.

Down the hall and to the...

left.

Oh, my God.

Reid's just wandering loose
in our house right now.

I'm sorry, everyone.
I should go talk to him.

Oh, no!

Big A, let me do it.

Sit down
and enjoy my mom.

Okay?
Feels like a brother thing.

♪

Oh, my God.
He's in my room.

♪

[ Chuckles ]

Just full-out chillin'
in my room.

I love it.
Make yourself comfy cozy.

Not in a million years
did I totally envision this.

Yeah, Chad,
I am in your room.

Wow.
Glad I tidied it up.

Look, I don't know what my mom
did to upset you,

but whatever it is,
I'll talk to her about it.

She can learn.
Just tell me.

Chad, it has nothing
to do with your mom.

Well, then,
what's the issue, bro?

Hit me with it.

Uh, actually, Chad, I don't know
if you're the person

I want to talk to
about this.

Well, actually, Reid, I'm not
totally sure you have a choice.

'Cause it's the two of us
in here,

and you're clearly upset
about something.

So what is it?

All right.

Screw it.

Um, my dad...

had an affair.

He cheated on my mom with a lady
from a frickin' wine store.

God, that's a lot
to process

before even asking
how my mom plays into it.

Yeah, well,
she doesn't.

Grown-ups and their
g*dd*mn wine.

It's like some kind
of sex juice.

Mm.

So maybe it's not
entirely his fault.

No, I think
it's entirely his fault.

Oof.

I'm so sorry, man.

Thank you.
Thank you.

It's actually kind of good
to talk about it.

Um, I've been having
these crazy dreams where...

um, I go to the wine store
and I-- I tell the lady off.

But my therapist says
that I lack closure.

Mm-hmm.

I'm not getting enough of it
or any at all.

Definitely a problem.

So, um, are you taking
a photo of me?

Uh...

No.
Mm.

I am actually

quickly taking a photo
of the wall behind you.

Okay, you're taking a photo of
the wall in your own bedroom.

Sure.
Yes, I am.

All right.
I'm probably gonna go back.

Yeah, let's go back.

Okay.
Not a bad idea.

Great job making that dinner,
Mom.

You have my full support
in blending our families.

Do it!
[ Sighs ]

Do it yesterday.

I'm happy you enjoyed it,
Chad.

I really did.
I mean, at one point,

Reid was just sitting
in my bedroom.

That sweet little ginger
cracked his heart open to me,

and I did not disappoint.

He shared a little secret,
and I swore I'd never repeat it,

so I'm not going to.

But please know
that it's crazy.

He's weirdly vulnerable.

So, yeah, when are we gonna do
all of that again?

Chad, honey, I don't think
we're gonna be scheduling

any more dinners
for a little bit.

What?
Why?

Alan and I have decided to pump
the brakes for the time being.

Why did you let me
just go on and on

about how much
I enjoyed that experience?

Honey, Reid just isn't ready
for his dad

to be in
a new relationship.

Well, since when are we letting
the children run the show?

Come on, Mom.

Reid just needs a little help
getting there.

Look,
I am not saying it's over.

I just don't think
it's a good idea

for everyone to keep hanging out
as one big family.

But if Reid was
okay with it,

then we could all go back
to hanging out?

No, I'm just--
Chad...

[Sighs]
please don't do anything.

Okay.
Okay.

Then I'll just totally
stay out of it,

and we'll see
what happens organically.

♪

Psst.

Reid,
get in the car!

Wait.
Aren't you Chad's older brother?

I wish.

Do what the man says.

Chad, this is weird.

We're going to
see her, Reid.

What? Who?

The horny wine woman
who ruined your family.

No, Chad,
I'm not doing that.

You're never gonna get
the closure you want

if you don't confront her.

So you tell me--
you want to keep dreaming

about confronting
your father's sex mistress,

or are you ready to turn
that dream into a reality?

Let's ride, Reid.

All right,
there she is.

There's the extra-marital woman.
Let's do this.

I don't know if this is
a good idea.

I believe in you, buddy.

We just gotta go in there
and confront her.

Okay? Clear eyes, long eyes
don't lose.

Let's go.
Come on.

Giddyup!

♪

Yummy.
I love this vineyard.

Okay,
she's off of us.

Okay, dude,
what's the plan?

The plan is, we're here,
and let's sh**t from the hip

and see
where the bodies land.

Hello.

We're here for a nice bottle
of "closure."

You sell any of that?

Is that the full name
of the bottle?

Closure.
Right, Reid?

Why are you
so far away?

Oh, my God.

Reid--
you're Alan's son.

Does he know
that you're here?
No.

But since you know him so well,
why don't you tell him?

Oh, sh*t.
Okay.

I think
you two should leave.

I'm not leaving
until you tell me

why you had an affair
with my father.

Jesus Christ.

Boom.
You know what?

You have no clue
how hard it was on me.

How hard it was on you? What
about how hard it was for me?

Yes!
My-- My--
My whole family?

What are you talking about?
Tell her.

You're right.
And I'm sorry.

Um...

It's just that,
it wasn't exactly

like a picnic for me,
you know?

I mean,
when I met your dad,

I was in
a really dark place.

I was struggling.

I was drinking-- a lot.
I mean...

I mean,
if that wasn't enough,

my grandpa was in his third
back-to-back UTI.

That old story.
What the hell?

When I met Alan, I thought
he was just gonna swoop in

and solve all my problems.
But he couldn't.

Because they never can.

Think we should bounce.

No, let her keep going.

It's because
I'm an empath.

I'm an empath, and I started to
take on all of Alan's stress.

Next thing I know,
I'm spiraling.

And then my entire life is now
defined by an online video of me

screaming in the face
of a Latinx Subway employee.

So, yeah. Ugh.

Adult relationships
are messy.

Um, okay.

Well,
all of that aside,

you-- you still knew
he was married.

Yes.
I did.

But your dad was
profoundly unhappy.

And I know you're really mad
right now,

but you have to know
your dad is a good guy.

I mean, that's-- that's why
I fell in love with him.

That's--

That's why I'm still in love
with him.

Damn,
this is a lot to process.

Speak on it, king.

I mean, come to think of it,
you know,

he is happier
after the divorce, and...

so is my mom.

We did it, you guys.

Really great work.

Let's go.

Come on.

Sorry about your
grandpa's p*nis.

♪

That was insane,

but, um,
I guess it kinda worked out.

Look at us.

Who would have ever thought
we'd be brothers?

But you know what?

I did.

La familia!

What are you doing?!
I know my rights!

I am not-- Look at it!
Look at it!

Oh, Mom.

Well,
I hope Alan's hungry,

because you look like
a whole damn snack tonight.

Okay.

Thanks.

Honey, um, I hate to
have to tell you this,

but Alan and I broke up.

For good this time.
What?! Why?

Reid's finally ready!

I don't really know
the full story.

Apparently, Alan got back
together with his ex.

Not his wife.

The one that
came after.

I guess Reid ran into her
or something?

Oh, my God, Mom, I mean
this with the utmost respect.

Are you sh1tting my a*s
right now?!

Listen,

Alan wasn't
the right fit.

God knows
we've been here before.

But I'm pushing myself
back out there.

And, honey, I-- I wanna
be honest with you this time.

You actually know
this person, too.

Is it Reid?

♪

Charles: Naz, hi!

Hi!

Oh, sorry
I'm 15 minutes early.

Um, I was even earlier

but I was just
standing out on the porch.

And then I was like,
"This is weird.

Why am I doing this?

Just get out of your head,
Charles.

Ring the bell."
You know--

Hey, bud!

Did he tell you
this was his idea?

Oh, my God.

Chad,
this is your house.

Charles.

And I'm--
I'm in it.

♪