01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

Let's see.

Ooh, yeah.

I'll take the clips.

You're all set.

Finally.

Dr. Tony, I think
it's fair to say

you and I have had
our ups and downs.

I don't know who encouraged you
into this damn field,

but you're a terrible
orthodontist, sir.

Well, I'm very sorry
to hear that.

Obviously, my mother meant well,

but didn't do her due diligence.

Seven years is a long time
to wear braces, sir.

I've watched
your damn kids grow up,

and they're the only reason

I'm not writing you
a bad Yelp review.

But thankfully,
my life begins today,

despite your a*s.

Alright, Chad.
That's enough. Thanks.

My lollipop, please.

Move, Tony.

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There he is!

Well, hello, hello,
Mr. Freshman!

Are you excited to show people
your new mouth?

Yep, pretty huge day for me.

I think people will finally
see me for who I really am.

Are we sure that's
a good thing? Die.

I have a little something I want
to talk to you about, Chad,

but it can wait
until after school.

Mom's dating someone.

Or we can do it now.

You're dating someone
behind Dad's back?

That's how divorce works.
Yes, I am seeing someone.

We don't need to get
into the details right now.

He's Muslim. His name's Ikrimah.

Niki, stay out of
my Match.com profile.

I told you, your account
needs more thirst traps.

And I told you
I don't know what that is.

Fantastic.
I love the name Ikrimah.

It means "female pigeon."

What the d*ck are we even
talking about right now? Hey!

You're dating a Muslim guy?

Chad, you do realize
we're technically Muslim.

Yeah, we're Muslim enough.
We don't need people thinking

that's, like, our whole thing.

What is your problem
with our heritage?

I'm embarrassed by it
and I'd like to fit in.

I've made that
very clear to you.

If you wanted us
to be so Muslim,

you should've raised us
in freakin' Ramalaladadan.

Where?

You're just mad
that you're a late bloomer

and Mom's getting more action
than you.

Niki, no offense,

but you are a wh*re.

Chad! I said no offense! God.

Alright,let's go over this again.

I won't mention to anyone
your braces came off.

Yes, just let them discover
it organically, okay?

Let them just kinda
find that joy on their own.

Got it.

Good, 'cause today is important.

Alright, we can't have
another junior high situation.

I loved junior high.

Peter, you were voted
most likely to be kidnapped.

That was cool.
That was not cool.

Okay? We can't be
losers anymore.

We don't have any friends.
We never talk to girls.

We didn't go to a single party
this summer.

We had that party at my house.

That was a brunch, Peter!

That your mom had for your aunt!

And you came late.
I was just sitting

in a living room with a bunch
of middle-aged ladies.

I-I actually think
it was a baby shower.

I think it was, yeah.

This is what I'm talking about!

You need to dream bigger.

Okay, today's the first day
of high school,

and I want to be popular.

Why?

Because fitting in rocks.

Oh! My body... My body is stuck.

Hey, I'm... I'm not
entirely in the bus yet.

Hey, Denise. How was your break?

You still have
chronic fatigue syndrome?

It's chronic, so, yeah.

That sucks so hard.

If it makes you feel better,

a lot of people on the Internet
say it's not even real.

Alright, let's do this!

Hey! You can't do that in here.

It's actually a USB drive.

Oh... kay...

Don't do that.

I'm very sorry.

Why the hell would you do that?

What... What's up?

You hit our bottle, dude.

Derek's all pissed.

How do you know my name?
Like, who are you?

I-I'm Chad.

My name's Chad.

Raul: That kid's disrespectful.

Are you okay?

Why did you let me
do all of that?

Get your butts in a seat!

We're low on desks, folks.

What is happening? Sit.

Is this...

Am I supposed to sit like this?

Alright, roll call, let's go!

Fereydoon Amani!

It's Chad!

I legally changed it to Chad.

Can you not look at me?

Yeah, I was gonna look
over here.

James Barry.
Here.

Hannah S. Clifton.
Here.

When was that?

It was in August. No!

Yeah. Geez.

You guys have a good summer?

What? I was just
asking about summer.

'Cause she said something
about August, and I was like,

"Oh, they're talking
about summer."

I'm Chad.

Who are you?
Oh, I'm Chad.

You know me from we were in
K through 8 together.

Hey, babes.
Hey, Joey!

Oh, um, did you get
that playlist I made?

I'm deejaying now, so...

It's actually going pretty well.
Um, they're paying me, so...

Th-That's really... That...

That's really just so exciting.

Yeah.

I'm... I'm Chad.

I'm Joey.

Yep.

My name is Chad.

I, um, love music.

I love both radio and non-radio.

Have you guys heard of
the Coachella Valley.

Music and Arts Festival?

It's in California. Mm.

I'm either gonna go to it

or try to watch footage of it
on the internet.

Jay-Z and Beyoncé.

Okay.

Anyways, um...

Oh, right... are you guys
coming over this weekend?

'Cause it's gonna be
super intimate,

just like a handful of rad,
interesting people.

Yeah, I'll be there.
I'm down.

Okay. It's gonna be
at 7:00, I think.

And it should go till like 11.

Um, I had sex.

What?

I, um, just...

I just had a little bit of sex
this summer,

over summer break,

is what I was gonna tell you

when we were talking about
summer earlier.

So, yeah, it was great.

Don't know what you guys did,
but I had sex.

You had sex?

Full on. Yes.

With a female

horny style.

You lost your virginity?

It's completely gone.

Well, why are you
telling us this?

Just thought it was
an interesting fun fact

about me and my summer
and my lifestyle.

Do you...
Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Tell us, k*ller.
What's it like to be a man?

Yeah. Tell us.

Oh, i-it's great.

Yeah, there was definitely a lot

of verbal consent
and everything.

And obviously we were both
blushing the whole time.

Legend. Yeah.

You know, we took turns.

A-At first
she was the one having sex,

and then I was the one
having sex.

And then we were having sex
at the same time.

And then at the end,
we both exploded.

Ohh, damn!

Sounds like she was
after that D!

Yeah, she really was.

And I was after that P...

That... That V.

Aah! Meh!

Her genitals.

Like, what...
Like, what happened?

Um, she let me touch her butt

and, like, spit on her face
and also...

Also, she also let me spit on her butt.

I know.

Everyone is taken aback
when they hear the story.

Good job.

Thank you.

So much.

Thank you.

Oh, my God, my bra's inside out.

Can you get that? It's Ikrimah.
He's picking me up for a date.

I don't even know this person!

Chad! On a scale of 1 to 10,

just how Muslim
will his physical situation be?

Answer the door.
Just so I'm prepared!

Ugh!

You must be Chad.
Nice to meet you.

I'm Ikrimah.

Y-You're Ikrimah?

Yeah. What's up, man?

Please welc...

Welcome to our home.

Ahh!

I've heard a lot about you.

Thanks.

I-I like your clothing style.

You look like the freakin'
star of Hollywood.

Thanks.

Hey!

Thanks for scoopin' me up.

Yeah... Can Ikrimah
drive me to school,

since I don't have a dad
in my life?

Uh, no, this is our third date.

I don't really think
that's necessary.

There's violence
on the bus. What?

Chad, can we talk
about this later?

No, I-I can do it.

Right on.

Thank you.

S-So, is my mom doing

whatever it is
she needs to be doing

to keep you happy?

She's great, yeah.
That's awesome.

Can... Can you actually drive
into the entrance right here?

Is that allowed?

Yeah, no, they want us
to do that.

Okay. Yeah, great.

Put on some tunes.

Yep.

Just hit that horn.

Great. Yeah, this is great.

Yeah, right here.
Right here, yeah?

Yeah, that's awesome.

Sick chatting with you about

things important
to both of us, man!

I love you!

That's Ikrimah.

These teachers
are really, really funny.

Look at their costumes.

Uh, hey, Chad?

This is for you.

Marjorie?

Isn't that the goth girl that calls
teachers by their first name?

She probably just has some sort
of school help question.

Girl: Ow! Hey, guys...

Hey, Marjorie, I

got your feminine napkin.

Get over here.

Ch-Chair's broken.

Heard about your summer.

Okay.

At least there's one boy
at this school I can talk to

who gets it.

Who understands
that first feeling of intimacy

and the incessant need for more
that follows.

For sure.

It was an incredible
opportunity,

and I'm definitely
gonna do it again.

But it's actually now time
for me to focus on my academics.

Why don't you come over tonight?

What?

My address is on the back.

What are we gonna do?

Wow.

What are you gonna do?

Well, she wants sex,

so obviously we're both
gonna go to her house

and we're both gonna
have sex with her.

Probably one at a time.

I'm definitely not going.
She scares me.

What are you talking about?
I'm going, and I'm not scared.

You sure?
I think you're freaking out

'cause your lie
is getting out of control.

My lie is the best thing
that ever happened to us,

and you know it, Peter.

You're just jealous.

I'm really not.
I'm afraid of her.

Are you wearing leather shorts?

Yeah, they're my mom's.

Why are you wearing
your mom's clothes?

My dad's clothes
were too small for me.

Stop wearing
your parents' clothes!

You're your own boy, Peter!
Wear your clothes!

God!

Okay. Good luck tonight!

Up here.

Found it.

What's this?

Just some absinthe.

My ex-boyfriend brought me some
back from Amsterdam.

Fuuuu...

Europe's awesome.

Hey, real quick, do you mind
if this night stays between us?

Yeah, alright.

Also, you should know,

um, I've had a lot
of different kinds

of sexual intercourse,
and sometimes,

honestly, my p*nis doesn't
even come into play at all,

and I've still walked away
being like,

"That... That was good for me."

Yup, a-yup.

Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yop.

Why don't we put on some music?

Okeydokey.

Drink up.

What?

I just, I need to go
to the bathroom.

The music is so loud.

'cause the music's so loud,
I just want to go...

It's just so loud. It's so loud.

I'm really not.

Chad.

What have you
gotten yourself into?

Look at me, Chad.

Chad, do you like this?

Oh, my God, it's all happening.

I'm having sex with this girl.

Aah!

God, where am I?!

Sorry.

Chaddy joon,
is everything alright?

Go away, Uncle Hamid.

Okay, bye.

Stay with me! Okay.

What happened, Chad?

I was tricked into
being a booty call

and I'm freaking out now
and I want...

I want my mommy.

It's okay, Chad.

Your mommy is kissing right now,

but I am here for you.

Listen, I don't totally
understand your situation yet,

but when I was dating multiple
women in post-revolution Iran,

things became... very messy.

Everyone was tricking
each other.

Tricking, tricking.

I'm tricking you,
I'm tricking you.

No, you are my friend.
No, you're not my friend.

You are tricking me again.

Ultimately,
it is always the trickster

who pays the highest price.

What are you talking about?!

I'm saying you will be
alright... I don't understand.

What happened?

Chad's booty was called tonight

and he is very upset about it.

Alright, Hamid. Thank you.

Okay, let's stay calm.

Walk me through what happened.

You were with a girl?

Yes, and she's too fast for me.

A-And I blacked out right as
she was mounting my body.

Wait, you blacked out?

So you're not exactly sure
what happened?

Stop grilling me!

I don't remember anything!

Except that I'm a liar,
I'm a big old liar,

and now I'm probably a father.

Honey. I don't
wanna be a father!

Wait, we can fix this.

I'll call her mom.

No, I'll k*ll you! Okay!

I don't even know
if she has a mom!

She just has a neighbor

and a debit card.

She doesn't even use a backpack.

She just comes to class

with a b-broken pencil
and a ripped piece of paper.

Have you ever heard
of such a terrifying thing?!

I just want to play video games
with Peter!

Come here. Come here, baby.

Oh, sweetheart.

I brought you water.

That's very nice of you, Niki.

Chad, you want to say thank you?

I don't really like water,
but fine.

Get out of here,
you li-little dipshit.

Chad.

I'm sorry about whatever
happened, sweetie.

Being a teenager
can be really tough.

It's horrifying.

Now, tomorrow morning,
I want you to go up to this girl

and get the full story
of what happened.

We can go from there. Okay?

Okay.

Please turn on
my Fortnite light.

Okay.

Hey, Marjorie.

Your bedsheets. Thanks.

Not really sure
why you took those.

You were fully clothed.

It was very disorienting
waking up like that.

Listen, Marjorie,
I'd give anything for you

to tell me nothing happened,
but I have to ask you.

Did we have sex?
Are you pregnant?

How do we know I'm the dad?

Chad, you passed out.
We didn't have sex.

What? We didn't have sex.

I can tell you're saying that
to make me feel better.

And it's working. Thank you.

It's the truth.

Hey, thank you.

Don't wink at me.

You're a good girl.

No, I'm not.

Maybe like the fashion club
or the chess club

or something like that.
Oh. I see that for you.

Just want to hear... Hey, Peter.

Denise.

So, did you have sex?

How was it?

I did have sex. It was intense.

You should know, though,

that we have decided
not to tell people.

So don't tell anyone.

Unless you want to.

Wow.

I feel like you're lying.

Denise, don't.
Don't be like that.

Reid: Hey, Chad! Hop in.

Looks like Reid wants me to join
him on a stolen golf cart.

That's exciting.

I promise I'll come back
for you guys, probably.

Here you go, dawg.
Help yourself.

Thanks.

Ooh, worms!

Damn! You're a professional.

I trip ba*ls from
just like half of one.

What?

That's weed, dude.

Ugh!

Raul: What are you doing?

Ugh! Ugh!

See you guys later.