03x01 - Sink or Swim

[bunniefuu]

OLDER ALAN: 'OK, I'll admit it -

'I had raised a few eyebrows
as a child.

'My quirks hadn't exactly gone
under the radar.'

See you later, ladies.

'I was basically a box
of broken biscuits.

'But I enjoyed being
on the wonky side.'

HE YELLS

'Until... 1989.

'I'd grown a foot,
dropped two octaves

'and unbeknownst to me,
was heading into a new era -

'a saucy one.'

So, this was it. It was happening
to little old me, of all people.

-Lust, desire, passion.
-Mm-hm.

-♪ Life is a mystery... ♪
-'Boobies.

'My libido had gone full throttle,
so I loved popping into Athena.

'It was like Woolies for perverts.'

-Mm.
-All right!

I thought women
were a bit like olives -

they'd turn your stomach at first,

but if you persevere,
you'd learn to love them.

'Oh, who was I kidding?

'I was there for Jake.

'Who needs a tennis player
itching her bum

'when the cutest boy in school
was tugging at your heartstrings?'

♪ In the midnight hour
I can feel your power... ♪

Oh, hello! You here again?

It's a Saturday job.
I've got to be here every Saturday.

Er, I was just wondering,

have you got that poster
with that lady on the motorbike?

Not yet. Cracking photo, though.
Suzuki Katana.

Well, I don't know her name,
but lovely bike!

Do you roll them,

or do they come ready rolled
in the plastic sheath?

-Ready rolled.
-Mm!

JAKE EXHALES,
TILL BEEPS

Oh! Me and Mum love Cyndi Lauper.

-3.80.
-Hm?

-£3.80.
-Oh.

Keep the change. Oh.

Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
Love a lifeboat, me.

You do not wanna be lost at sea
without one of those boys.

-No, sirree!
-JAKE LAUGHS

-You're funny.
-Oh!

See you Monday, then.

Oh, God, I nearly ran off
with this key ring!

-Keep it.
-What?

They won't even notice.
If you want it... keep it.

♪ Now I'm dancing

-♪ It's like a dream... ♪
-BEEPING

Oh. Oh, God. Bye!

-♪ No end and no beginning... ♪
-Oh, Dad's gonna k*ll me!

'My dad was riding high
and also looking for a man.

'Not like that - a midfielder.'
INTERVIEWER: - Graham.

-Shush, shush, shush! He's on telly.
-Yep.

Manager of the month again.

You're gonna have a drink problem
at this rate.

Yeah, er, chuffed to bits.

Erm, we're obviously
doing something right.

Any transfers on the horizon?
Anyone caught your eye?

Er, they have. I'm just waiting
for this one to open his chequebook.

RON CHUCKLES

Oh. Oh, oh, yeah, it's open.

It's... My-My-My pen is poised.

Ah, it better be,
cos I need a midfielder, sharpish.

Aye, don't... don't put that on...
on the TV.

-No. No.
-Yeah.

Er, Jimmy, do that photo. Come on.

- CHEERING
- Here we are.

-Right, nice.
-Come on, lads, come on!

CHANTING

Give it here. It's bloody whiskey,
not Champagne, you idiot!

- LAUGHTER
- Doughnut!

CHEERING

MUSIC: 'Ca Plane Pour Moi'
by Plastic Bertrand

Oh, no!

GARY SLURPS

Yeah!

Hair!

HORN BEEPS

I'm telling Dad.

No, you're not.

COINS RATTLE

-How was it?
-Yeah, great!

-Call me Flipper.
-CHRISTINE AND GRAHAM LAUGH

-MS PEARSON: - Mr Carr? Hello!
-Ms Pearson's waving at you.

-No, she's not. Off you go.
-Mr Carr?

-Put your foot down. Drive, drive, drive.
-Hey!

Glad I caught you.

-Ms Pearson.
-'Dad loved sporty women.

'He only ever looked at a cleavage

'to see if there was
a stopwatch there.'

-Is everything all right?
-I don't know. Is it?

-Oh! No, this...
-CHRISTINE LAUGHS

...this is Graham's. He won it.

It's, er... er,
Manager of the Month...

er, aw-award.

Oh, all right. Congratulations.
They're not wrong.

Thank you very much. That's...

-That's very kind... of you.
-GRAHAM CLEARS THROAT

-And are you all right, Alan?
-HIGH-PITCHED: - Yep!

He had a great time,
by all accounts.

Oh, did he?
Well, I don't know where,

cos he never turned up for swimming.

-You what?
-Well, I was...

If it happens again,
I'll give his place away.

It won't. I'll throw him in myself.

- GARY SNORTS
- I am so sorry, Ms Pearson.

Good stride.

Where the bloody hell were you?!

-I had a dicky tum!
-GARY LAUGHS

-It's not funny, Gary.
-Can you smell lemonade?

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

BLOWS NOSE WETLY

'We all know I'm no fan of PE.'

Crying out loud, get on with it!

'But when Jake
was doing the picking,

'everything seemed bearable -
even team sports.'

All right. Alan.

GROANING
'Me! He picked me! Oh!'

I would have picked Simon myself.

I won't let you down.

Go get it.

-Let's do it, eh?
-ALAN WHIMPERS

All right, "scrummager".

-Come on!
-BOY: - You go there. I'll go here.

GRUNTING

So, how was the rest
of your weekend?

-We saw each other Saturday.
-What?

-He just came to the shop.
-What?

Bought some modern art.
Oh, and a key ring.

Well, I didn't have to buy
the key ring

cos Jake gave it to me gratis.

You giving him free stuff?

-Yeah.
-No.

-Yes, you did!
-LAUGHTER

-You buying him presents, Jake?
-It's not a big deal.

I just said, you know, like,
boss never cares.

Oh, my God,
you're flirting with Alan?

-Oh, shut up.
-He probably fancies you.

-No, I don't!
-He was looking at t*ts.

-You know the posters.
-Er, no, I'm not a caveman.

Well, I don't just look at the t*ts.
I look at the whole lady.

Sure, sure [!]
Who do you fancy, then?

BOY: - Yeah, come on,
Alan. Who's the unlucky lady?

- WHISTLE BLOWS
- Come on, girls. To the court.

-Why is this taking so long?
-Yeah, come on, Alan.

-Georgie.
-Oh, Georgie.

Well, what do you like about her?

'Her name,
cos it sounded like a boy's.'

Well, she's... formidable.

Well, you, buddy,
should ask her out.

- LAUGHTER
- Yeah, ask her out.

Why not? I'm coming for you.

-Lucky old Georgie.
-WHISTLE BLOWS

What you doing? Comparing purses?
Come on, crack on, lads!

Come on!

-So, when you asking her out, Alan?
-Move! Andale!

Carr, what are you staring at?

-Come on, Alan.
-LAUGHTER

OLDER ALAN: 'Saturday meant
another swimming lesson,

'and after Athenagate,
my mum was watching me like a hawk.'

Right, I wanna see you back here
in an hour.

Right, go on. I wanna see you go in.

Come on.

Go on. Have fun.

- DOOR SHUTS
- Mm. Don't trust 'em.

Where's your trunks?

Didn't bring 'em.

I covered for you,
you can cover for me.

GARY SIGHS

COINS RATTLE

You're wearing that?

-I get a real cowlick if I don't.
-Right.

Knock me up when you're done.

-I'm starving.
-CAN OPENS

MUSIC: 'Swimming Pool'
by Toy Love

'I don't know
what was more humiliating -

'being forced to do
a swimming lesson

'because your dad
fancied the teacher

'or that your classmates were six.'

SHE MOUTHS

Changing room. Coming.

-Right, everybody in.
-WHISTLE BLOWS

♪ Marc Bolan, Jimi Hendrix

♪ Lying at the bottom
Of your swimming pool... ♪

SHE MOUTHS

I'm in! I'm in. Oh,
smash a bottle of champers on me.

Good start, Alan,
but you're flapping needlessly.

Your feet can touch the bottom.

And stop splashing.
You're scaring the others.

Just swim. It's not that hard.

'The only thing tighter than
my swim cap was Ron's wallet.

'The Cobblers needed a midfielder,
fast, and he was treading water.'

Yes.

Yeah. Well, let me have a few chats
this end, OK?

Hang on, Martin.

Paperwork for Bodley. Sale done.

That's 19K in our pocket.
Up the offer for Thomas.

Well, we can't offer the full 19.

I mean...
got to hold a bit back, Graham.

I've got gaps to plug.

Gaps to plug?
I've got a gaping hole in midfield!

Yeah, but 19K, we can't.

Oh, trust me, Ron,
he's worth every penny of it.

Ron, we need this.

{\an8}I heard he's got dodgy knees.

{\an8}Big time.
Hear 'em click from the stands.

Sorry, Martin.

Yeah. Yeah, we'd like to offer...

HE MOUTHS

...19K.

Black coffee, please.

Sorry, are you Graham Carr's wife?

Oh, yeah. Yes, I am.

I've seen you in the papers.
It's amazing. He's amazing.

Yeah, thank you.
Had a good run of it, haven't we?

He's at the ground now.

Big day.

Buying, selling, transferring this,
transferring that.

Buying... bits and bobs.

Yeah, big. Big.

There's a lot of buying
and selling going on.

I couldn't get your autograph,
could I?

- CHRISTINE LAUGHS
- Oh, God, no!

-Really? Oh, you don't want mine.
-CHRISTINE LAUGHS

-Who should I make it out to?
-Wendy.

'She just did her usual signature.'

But from that point on,

she took to making the "a" of "Carr"
into a little football.

That's a little football.

-Thank you.
-Thank you, Wendy.

£1.30, please.

Little biscuit.

SONG: 'Lucio Silla,
K.135 Overture'

Thank you.

I'm sorry, what was your name?

-Becky.
-Thank you, Becky.

Frothy coffee, please.

RON INHALES DEEPLY

They should have called by now.
It's a yes, surely. 19K?!

Fancy a tea? I fancy a tea.

Joy?

Yeah, nice cuppa.

Joy?

BEEP,
RINGING TONE

-Hello, stranger.
-CHRISTINE GASPS

-God almighty, Ange!
-Let's get you a napkin.

Sorry, she's had a little spillage.

Those shades are too big
for your face. Another one?

No, I'll go. They, erm...

...sort of know me here.

Mm. Regular haunt, is it?

No, they recognised me.

Cos of Graham,
all the press nonsense.

-I'm still getting used to it.
-Right.

You're not gonna believe this.

Woman... just asked me
for my autograph.

-I don't believe it, no.
-I'll go.

She gave me a free biscuit
once she clocked who I was.

Oh, Christine! Bless you, no.
They give everyone a little biscuit.

-Yeah, but I didn't pay for it.
-Nobody pays for the little biscuit.

Yeah, but she did a sort of
cheeky smile when she put it on.

People tend to smile when
there's a biscuit around, Christine.

-No, it was definitely...
-Let's see, shall we?

Martin. Knock 9K off that.

- DOOR OPENS
- We've crunched the numbers again.



I know, I know, but think about it.

No? Martin!

-Wash your mouth out!
-BEEP

I need you to phone that phone
from this phone.

-What phone?
-That phone. Boardroom phone.

Can't I just call it
from my office phone?

Mm. Then it would be
an internal ring.

- IMITATING PHONE RINGING:
- Brrrrr!

We need it to be an external ring.

Brrr-brrr!

-Right.
-Right.

But it is internal, cos it's me.

But it's not you, is it?

Just phone that bloody phone
from this bloody phone, please, Joy.

-And what do I say?
-Nothing.

DOOR OPENS

-Tea's on its way.
-DOOR SHUTS

Doggy paddle's not
the most efficient stroke, Alan.

If it's good enough
for a labrador...

Nice long arms.

-Oi, Alan. Where's your armbands?
-THEY LAUGH

Nice swimming cap. Why are you
in the pissy pool with the toddlers?

LAUGHTER

Excuse me,
this is a private lesson.

A private lesson,
that I'm helping Ms Pearson with,

as a teaching assistant.

-Yeah, that's it!
-Alan.

What did I say, kids,
about kicking those legs?

No, Joanne, push through the water!

Oh, for the love of God!
Not good enough.

-Alan.
-Really cute, innit?

-The Little Mermaid's trying to get her five-metre badge.
-Nice one!

-Alan, get back here!
-Yeah, I'm just going on my break.

Mrs Pearson, can you help me?

-Ooh, ooh, come on.
-Jake!

-Hey.
-Oh, my God! What are you doing here? It's a Saturday.

Oh, erm, I got the sack.

-What? Why?!
-Caught me giving stuff away.

Oh, the key ring.
Oh, it's all my fault.

No, it's not. It-It wasn't that.

My mum paid with a tenner,
and I gave her 20 change.

ALAN LAUGHS

Oh, Jake Grevel, you devil!

See you in there.

SCREAMING

MUSIC: 'Waiting For A Star To Fall'
by Boy Meets Girl

-You perving on Jake?
-What? No.

-Cos your girlfriend's here.
-Huh?

-Georgie.
-Oh, is she?

-You can ask her out.
-Right, I gotta go. Bye!

Ask her out.

♪ Je t'aime... ♪

-Alan thinks you're hot, Georgie.
-Isn't that right, Alan?

Guilty as charged.

-And Maz. Everyone thinks you're hot too.
-Yeah, I know.

God, yeah!

It's like being in a soup
with two sexy croutons.

- LAUGHTER
- What's a crouton?

Why, when you were feeling
so self-conscious,

would you pop on a pair of trunks
and bob along half-naked

in a giant bath hoping that someone,
anyone, would find you attractive?

LAUGHTER

WHISTLE BLOWS No heavy petting.

-You what?
-You heard!

So, just to clarify,
the little biscuits, they're free?

They're free, yeah.

-For everyone?
-Yep.

Not just the wives
of Third Division football managers?

-What?
-Thought not.

-Thank you. Sorry, what's your name?
-Becky.

Thank you, Becky.
You've been very helpful.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?
-JOY: - 'Hello!'

No! Er, hello, Martin. Yeah!

Have you? Oh, no!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

That's... That's a shame.

Thanks for letting us know. Yeah.

RON SIGHS

They got a better offer.

-Than 19K?
-Mm.

-You're joking.
-I wish I was. I really wish I was.

-Greedy buggers. Ha!
-I don't believe that.

DOOR OPENS

Thanks for that.
Must have just left it... You know.

Any chance of that tea?

Yeah, get a wiggle on, Joy!

Oh, Georgie. More like "Gorgie"!

Oh, backstroke.

I'd like to stroke your back.

Er...

-Deep end!
-Bradley!

Stroke your back?
Stroke your arse, more like.

Sexy croutons?
What's he talking about?

You don't have to try so hard,
you know?

Yes, I do!

-Maybe you don't. You're...
-'Charming? Popular? Debonair?'

...better at this stuff.

You coming to the deep end, Alan,
or what?

No, yeah, I should probably
just stay with the little 'uns.

-Keep up with your croutons, Alan.
-Shut up, Mandy!

-He's not allowed in the deep end!
-LAUGHTER

Leave him!
He's meant to be teaching.

-Give me them.
-No!

-No, no...
-See ya!

- LAUGHTER
- My glasses! I can't see!

'My glasses were just there,

'like Harold Bishop's were
when he drowned in Neighbours.'

TANNOY PLAYS JINGLE

'Staff call for Wayne.
Staff call for Wayne.

'Can you make your way
over to squash court 1, please?

'Squash court 1. Thank you.'

We always say we should do coffee,
don't we?

Think I'm gonna go watch Alan
for a bit.

Oh, yeah, I'll come have a squiz.

-Thank you, Becky.
-Thank you, Becky!

COINS RATTLE

He's thrown my glasses in.

Well, go get 'em, then.

Go on, then.
Why you just standing there?

I'm just working out
my angle of entrance.

Just jump in, man. What you doing?

-He can't swim.
-Course I can!

-Prove it, then.
-Oh, don't, Leslie.

Alan, get back in the baby pool!

LAUGHTER

-Can't swim?
-You scared?

-Alan, get in!
-Alan Carr can't swim!

-You scared or something?
-LAUGHTER

-Jump in, Alan!
-Jump in, Alan! -Oh, God...

This is tragic.

CHANTING: - Jump in!
Jump in! Jump in! Jump in!

Jump in! Jump in!

-Poo-poo!
-What?

There's a poo in the pool!

SCREAMING

There's a poo in the pool!

Evacuate the pool! Everyone out!

TANNOY PLAYS JINGLE

- 'Please evacuate the pool...'
- SCREAMING DROWNS OUT MESSAGE

'Please make your way back
to the changing rooms. Thank you.'

-Shame about your glasses, mate.
-ALAN SHRIEKS

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, my God! Help him!

Someone help him!

MUSIC: ' Died In Your Arms'
by Cutting Crew

'I couldn't help thinking

'these swimming lessons
had been a waste of money.

'But drowning was preferable
to romancing a girl.'

-Where's Jake?
-Where's Alan?

♪ I, I just died
In your arms tonight

♪ It must have been something
You said... ♪

Jake?

How was it?

Well, er...

Thanks for asking - we lost Roberts.

-We nearly lost Alan.
-What?

-What's wrong with your glasses?
-They got wedged in the suction pipe.

So I couldn't swim. Who cares?

I'd swallowed a floating plaster.
So what?

I was heading home
with a lung filled with chlorine

and a heart full of love.

Maybe I should try drowning
more often.

Why's your hair dry?

Dicky tum?

GRAHAM SIGHS,
ENGINE STARTS

So, how was Ms Pearson?

Did she mention me?

ENGINE REVS