02x03 - Mad Dogs & English Nans"

[bunniefuu]

Best make sure I've got my keys.

Please, Nan.

Don't go. Stay another day...
No, Nan's got to go, Alan.

She's been here five days,
she's got to go back sometime.

Three days. Oh.
Well, it felt longer.

But we were halfway
through a western.

She won't know what happens now.

Well, we'll send
her a smoke signal.

Now, we've all heard
of a wingman...

Someone you have a laugh with,
someone who's got your back...

Well, mine wore a headscarf
and was pushing 70...

She was my wing-nan.

You've got all her
bags, haven't you?

She doesn't need to come back and
get anything? I checked everywhere.

We are moments from freedom.

She's off!

You had enough of her cooking?

I don't touch the stuff,
love. I'm not stupid!

She made me an
egg sandwich once,

I'm still picking the
shell out my teeth!

Size of your mouth, I'm surprised
you didn't swallow 'em whole.

Like a snake. Right.

Come on, Mum, let's get off
now. Coach is gonna leave.

In two hours! We wouldn't
want you to miss it.

Don't go getting any
girls into trouble now.

And don't smoke,
it's a filthy habit.

I'm seven.

Right. Come on, Mum.

DOG BARKING

What the...?!

Everybody inside!

Everybody inside! CLAMOURING

Faster, faster!
Push up, push up!

Come on, Nan! Get
out of the way!

Haven't you heard of
women and children first?

Quick! Every man for himself!
Nigel, where are you going?

Oh, I could see the
white of his eyes.

If we lived in a
bungalow, we'd be dead!

Did anyone shut
the front door? No.

It's not my front door.

That bloody dog could
be in the house.

Who was last up?

It wasn't me. Well, I was first
up, until I was shoved down again.

Someone go shut
it. Gary! No, Alan!

Graham, Nige, get down there.

I'm not going. You go. I'm
not going doing it, mate.

Nige, you are beefier than
Graham, go on. No. No!

Oh. I'll do it, shall I? Oh...

It's all right, darling...

Would you like a Viscount?

Shut behind us.

THEY SIGH

'Nothing brought more chaos
than a dog on the loose.'

Pure hysteria. No-one
knew what to do.

Dog on a lead - good.
Dog without a lead - bad.

Dog on a retractable lead -

well, you still ran anyway,

cos you didn't know how long
that stretchy bit was, did you?

Whose dog's that?

Tone's Alsatian, Prince.
Vicious thing it is.

I was told it ate Tone's wife.

All that was left was the shoe.

Who told you that? Nan.

Joyce, please don't fill
Alan's head with rubbish.

He's got an overactive
imagination as it is.

Get a couple of your scones.

No. If we feed it, we'll
never be rid of it.

No, to chuck at it, they're
rock hard. It'll soon scarper.

She's priceless!
Where'd you get her?

Christine's told me
a lot about you two.

I'm sure she has.
She's obsessed with us.

DOG BARKING

Right, I'm gonna ring Tone. We
did lock the door, didn't we?

Maybe we should stay
here for a little bit.

Oh, great [!]

Ange, not on the
table. It's my work!

Now, with the great news
that Nan is staying...

If we're gonna be
holed up here together,

we can watch the
rest of High Noon.

Yee-haw!

Look at me, Nan, I'm a cowboy.

I don't know what
goes on in your head.

Look at him, he's like
Winston Churchill on D-Day.

"We will fight them
on the beaches."

"One small step for mankind."

That's Neil Armstrong.

Couldn't give a monkeys, Graham.

Here, come here. Come here.

I was gonna give you
this when I left,

but I might as well
give it to you now.

One for you, and one for Gary.

'Oh, the big reveal...'

Oh, thanks, Nan!

'20p.'

She'd hand it over to you like it
was the winning Euromillions ticket.

What're you gonna
do with the money?

'And it was so hard
to not be sarcastic.'

"Buy a holiday
home!" But instead...

A book or some new
trainers, maybe.

You pop that upstairs
somewhere safe,

so your Mam doesn't
spend it on f*gs.

Will do, Nan. SHE CHUCKLES

Tone's not picking up.

Dog's probably ripped
his throat out.

Mum! Ugh...

What? Well, it
happens. SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, it's typical, isn't it?

I was on the phone to
my friend the other day,

saying this week couldn't get
any worse, and then this happens.

What? You hate being here?

No, not you love,
you're special.

That's what my PE teacher says.

Gary. We'll finish High
Noon when we come back down.

Graham, playing
Stevens left back?

He's an attacking midfielder...
Look, he should go there!

Bosh! We could
be here all day.

Right, let's make a run for
it, Mam! Get your things.

OUTSIDE: Prince!

Prince! Come here, boy.

GRAHAM: Right, we
can't all be prisoners.

Alan! Your nan's about to go.

Let's take us chances.

'I just want extra
time with my nan!

'And I wasn't gonna let
her go that easily.'

HE GASPS

The dog's just bitten
the paper boy! Oh!

'Well, I like to think
on my feet.' The dog!

He's just bitten the paper
boy. I saw it, it was awful.

Who? Tristan?

Nobody can leave the
house. I can't see him.

You wouldn't hang around

for it to take another chunk
out your leg, would you?

Well, I'm not going
anywhere. It's not safe.

Oh, Nan. It was horrible.

Blood everywhere!

We did definitely lock
the door, didn't we?

Graham. What are you doing?
I'm blocking up the hallway.

Oh, come off it. Graham,
this is ridiculous.

You never know, what if
it gets in the house?

What's it gonna do? Dress
up as the Avon lady, is it?

They're cleverer than you
think. I was watching Look East,

and I saw a guide dog make its owner
a cup of tea and take the bins out.

Oh. Oh, I'm starting to think I
should have married a guide dog.

You're very sweet.

Do you remember when I got my
head wedged in that tambourine?

How could I forget, my
darling? It was like that.

A bloodbath.

You and that tambourine. Every
time you moved, you rattled.

JOYCE CHUCKLES

Do you remember what
we told your grandad?

"There's a rattlesnake
in the garden!"

THEY LAUGH

BOTH: Oh, dear.

Wasn't Dad terrified of snakes?

Yeah. Oh.

Well, I suppose I
better get on with this.

Christine.

Christine?

Quite parched.
Put the kettle on.

Anyone else?

SHE SIGHS

What you knitting, Joyce?

Balaclava for Alan.

Another one?

In the playground, my
balaclava would turn heads.

Which was ironic as the wool was
so tight, I could barely turn mine.

Crossing the road
was a death trap!

Christ, Mam, can't you
make one with a mouth hole?

Who gave you that knitting
pattern, Gerry Adams?

Yes, Nan.

There's nowhere to
suck my Capri Sun!

Oh, one mouth hole, coming up.

I wonder...

if, Nan, you could maybe try
some more summery colours?

Pastels?

No. You'll have navy just
like all the other grandkids.

By the time we get out of
here, it won't be worth going.

Where you off to?

Off to Market Harborough,
go and see my mummy.

Mum!

Lovely Mavis.

Or we were until that dog
threw a spanner in the works.

You love visiting
Mum, don't you, Ange?

HE LAUGHS

No. No, they don't get on.

Yeah, there's always fireworks
when they get together.

Ain't there, Ange?

Get within six foot of
her, she blows my head off.

Play nice, Ange.

Mum think's she's,
erm... A it much".

Prefers my ex-wife.

Oh, I didn't know you
were married before, Nige.

Yeah. Pfft, hardly.
For five minutes.

Four years, three months.

You make it sound like
a prison sentence!

Nice big wedding, I
bet? Lots of guests?

Yeah. Lovely village church.

Chucked it down. No, it
didn't. You weren't there.

I bet she was different
to Ange! HE WHISTLES

Anyone want a cuppa?

Someone's gotta look after
you, haven't they, Joyce?

Oh, yes.

Christine's not a natural
host. Thank you, love.

I can't help myself.
I live to serve.

I actually volunteered at a
soup kitchen Christmas morning.

Yeah, only cos Mum wouldn't
let you in the house.

LAUGHTER

Sugar, Joyce?

So, erm... What happened
with your ex, then, Nige?

Yeah, she was involved
in a car accident.

She fell in love with the fireman
who cut her out the wreckage.

She did it on purpose.

Yeah, but we parted
on good terms.

She lives up near Billing now.

Yeah, I was... hoping
she might move here...

NIGEL, NO-ONE CARES ABOUT LUCY!

Ooh...

ALAN: 'Show me a lad who doesn't
love snuggling up with their nan

'to watch a western, and
I'll show you a liar.

'Speaking of lying... the dog on
the loose had fooled everyone.'

Mam, can you turn that down a
bit? I can't hear myself think.

No. ALAN GIGGLES

Right, I've had enough of this.

If Tone's not coming to get
it, I'll get someone who will.

'That was our
Google in the '80s.'

Right. What do we
reckon it'd be under?

D for dog?

C for canine? P for pets?

Dog warden? D? Or W for warden?

You lot'd never get a
job at Bletchley Park.

Found it.

Oh, hello. Could you come and
collect a vicious stray dog?

On the Eastfield's
Estate, Lowick Court.

How much?

SHE SCOFFS Yeah,
but it's not my dog.

No, I know you're not a charity,
but we can't leave the house.

AND an assessment fee?

I'll give you an assessment.

I've looked out the window, there's
a dog on the loose. You happy now?

£20, and that's
just to come out.

I've got a g*n.

Means nothing to me. k*lling
to me, it's like breathing.

No, Nige, you can't.

Do it! No, Nan! We love dogs.

You forget, I got
bitten by a dog.

QUIETLY: Oh, was
the dog all right?

Nan! When? During the w*r.

And do you know who
owned that dog? Who?

Goebbels.

Now, look...

I wasn't gonna say
anything, right,

but there are ways of
calming animals down.

I've got a mate, John, who
works at Monkey Planet.

Oh, for God's sake,
Nigel. Not that again.

Top up, anyone?

I didn't know Mormons
could carry g*ns. What?

I said he was a moron. Oh...

I had a friend got
bitten by a dog.

Just went for her.

Just jumped up and
starting biting her face.

Oh, I bet she was all right.

No, she died.

I made a tourniquet out of a
sanitary towel, but it was too late.

Right, that's enough now.

Upstairs, Alan, Gary. You don't need
to be hearing stories like this.

Come on, Mum! You can't wrap them
up in cotton wool, Christine.

The world's a very
unforgiving place.

Another friend of mine had a
Doberman. Oh, vicious it was!

For someone consistently
miserable, Joyce,

you do seem to have
a lot of friends.

Bucket goes down the wing.

Preston, weak defence. Strong
ball through midfield...

Shh!

Sorry.

WHISTLING

'Oh, no. That's
Tristan's whistling.'

Tristan. Tristan!

Go away! What?

Shh! Go away, you've
been bitten by a dog.

No, I haven't. Don't you
dare go near that door.

You rattle the letterbox
and they'll know.

Just leave the newspaper
by the mat. What?

The mat!

I won't get paid. Wait there.

It breaks my heart,
but it's all I've got.

That's not enough!
Oh, forget it.

Wait, wait, wait.
Gary, your card.


the favourite...

I'll give you more
when I next see you.

You got any
sweetener? Oh! Ange.

SHE SIGHS Thought
you were Joyce.

Just having a cheeky f*g. Yeah,
top cupboard, Ange, help yourself.

Can you get it, Christine? I never
know with these old cupboards.

You pull a bit too hard,
one comes off the wall.

I don't have that problem, but then
I don't have those big manly hands.

There you are.

Sorry about all that
earlier. Still a bit raw.

Oh, I can imagine.
Perfect first wife.

Lucy sounds like a right
sweetheart. How can you compete?

She broke him, that woman.

I found him crying in the doorway
of a Freeman, Hardy and Willis.

I scooped him up and I
nursed him back to health,

like a baby chick.

Had to chew his food for him.

And yet...

His mum loves Lucy, meek and mild.
I'm an exhibitionist, apparently.

Do you want a vest
for under that?

You don't put tarpaulin over
the Taj Mahal, Christine.

She still has photos of
her all round the house.

I'm rifling through her
cupboards, I'm looking at Lucy.

I go for a wee, I'm
looking at Lucy.

She haunts me, that woman.

I know the feeling.

Cassettes in their right
cases, books alphabetised.

I'm pooped.

We thought we heard
Tristan outside, whistling.

Oh, that was me.
You can whistle now?

HE TRIES TO WHISTLE

Well, maybe the dog's gone.

No, no, no. It is still there.

Back all arched and
ready to pounce.

Right, I'm not going anywhere.

Oh, come on, Ange, get your
coat. We can't live like this.

Mavis is expecting us. We're
just gonna have to take the risk.

Now, Nige,

you have told your mam which
wife's turning up, haven't you?

It's Ange, not
Lucy. HE CHUCKLES

Oh, no, Graham, her face drops
when Ange walks in the lounge.

"Oh, you're back!"

One Sunday lunch, she
said, I'll never forget,

she said, "I don't even want
her at my funeral." Oh...

HE LAUGHS

You can tell her I'm
not missing that.

Oh, we laughed. HE SIGHS

Right, come on, Ange,
let's go and see Mavis.

Oh, my God, the dog!

What? I... I just saw it.

You did?

Yeah, running past the back
window. It's in the garden?

Yeah, I'm not going
anywhere. Sod that.

Bet Lucy would have
braved it, eh, Nige? Yeah.

Yeah, she's got a big thick
neck so she'd be fine.

It'd snap me like a twig.

Oh. We could always find out.

Oh! A bird...

You got any other
grandchildren, Joyce?

Oh, yes, two.

They both play for
the Under-15s United.

SHE CHUCKLES

This is, er... This is Scott.

He's 13 - oh, so fast.

You got the photos out,
Mam? Yes, love. Yes.

Showing them the photos
of my talented grandsons.

And this one is
Raymond's youngest.

Plays for City. Oh, City...

Few more now. We'll
have our own team soon.

Does your boy
play? Oh, Charlie?

Oh, yeah, yeah, he loves football.
He's football crazy. Yeah.

Yeah, all boys are, aren't they,
until they get distracted by girls.

Have you got a girlfriend, Alan?

Oh, no. Oh, what about...?

I haven't found the one
that's just right yet.

I bet he fancies blondes
just like his father.

Er, hello?

I said what I said.

This is our, er... This
is our boy, Charlie.

This is him with
his girlfriend, Maz.

Oh, just the one? Yeah.

SHE CHUCKLES He's very handsome.

Oh, it's a great
gene pool, you see.

Something'd have
to go very wrong

for me and Nigel to
have an ugly child.

Surely Charlie could let Alan
have one of his cast-offs.

I'd love to see Alan courting.

Well, I could try, Joyce,

but girls are very
picky, you know.

Christine's tried
to pair him up...

You know, she watches, she
waits, but nothing ever happens,

I said, "It doesn't work
like that, he's not a panda."

JOYCE LAUGHS

Oh, I know I won't be here forever,
but if I could see Alan wed,

oh, I'd be the proudest
grandma in the world.

If I don't make it, Alan,

just know I'll be up
there looking down at you

walking down the aisle
with that special lady...

You know, in some cultures,

there's a sense of shame if the
eldest boy doesn't find a mate.

Yeah, I was watching, erm...

Can... Can you two stop, please?

He's not gonna get
a girlfriend, is he?

You know, he's not gonna be walking
down the aisle anytime soon.

Just think about it.

He's got school.

English, Languages, Science.

The poor kid's up
to his eyeballs.

He's always got his
head in a bloody book.

And I had to sacrifice
country dancing.

To be fair, that
was a good thing.

Maths or the
Maypole? You decide.

Well...

If you can't get a girlfriend, then
get yourself a football trophy.

I've been in your room,
I've looked on your shelves.

No rosettes, no trophies.

Just a lot of m*rder
mysteries and figurines.

Why haven't you got a poster
of a pretty girl on the wall?

I have!

Princess Diana. Who's
she, chopped liver?

Joyce, he's happy
doing his own thing.

Right, can I get
anybody anything to eat?

I ain't got much in, but I'm sure
I can rustle us something up.

Don't go rustling
anything for me.

Well, you're best to eat now,

rather than get a ropey
old sandwich on the coach.

At least it'll be
served with a smile.

Er...

Mum? OVEN DOOR SLAMS

Oh...

Can't I have one
cigarette in peace?

Sorry. No, I'm sorry, darling.

It's just getting a bit...

It's a bit
claustrophobic, you know?

You all right? You
look a bit down.

Do you think Nan shows the
other grandkids photos of me?

Of course she does.
She's so proud of you.

Really? Yes.

It's me she can't stand.

Come here.

She loves it when you
do your little dances,

and when you do all your voices.

She was curled up
when you did Cilla.

She seems so disappointed.

How could she be
disappointed in you?

Mm.

Now, get in there. Go on.

Hear me out. The Man Who
Shot Liberty Valance!

Who's in? Oh, no.

No Jimmy Stewart for
me. I don't like him.

But, Nan! Do you remember when
I pretended to have a migraine

to get out of playing football?

What?

And we curled up on the couch,

with the red woollen blanket
and watched Rear Window?

Oh, yes, I remember that,
he was good in that,

but I don't like him in
westerns, he's too poofy.

He walks into town,

I think, "No, this
town needs a real man."

John Wayne, that's the one.

sh**t first, ask
questions later.

I wanna be like John Wayne.

Yee-haw!

The only Wayne you remind
me of, love, is Wayne Sleep.

We all love that relative
who tells it like it is,

until they start
telling you like it is.

Well, I'd had enough.

The lie, like my patience,
had started to wear thin.

MUSIC: 'This Is
The Day' by The The

Oh, look.

Tristan's just delivered
the paper. It must be safe.

Oh, great. Thank
goodness for that.

He's a good lad getting mauled
and then still delivering papers.

Proper trooper.

Right, emergency
over. Come on, Mam.

For the last time, hopefully,
let's get you on that coach.

Come on, Ange. Mavis awaits.
Right, let's get you up.

I can't get up.
Come on. Here we go.

One, two, three... Oh!

That is a very lumpy
sofa. Yeah, it is, yeah.

You be good boys for
your mam and dad now.

Bye, Nan, come back soon!

Bye, love.

'I had to get rid of her.

'She was getting too
close to the truth.

'It was harsh, I know.'

Don't get me wrong.
I'll always love my nan.

One of the only relatives
I felt who really got me.

And yet, at other times...

I didn't think she
knew me at all.