02x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains strong language
and some scenes of a sexual nature

I've never cheated before. If it
makes you feel better, I'm married.

What? You had sex with
the woman across the road?

I didn't know she
lived across the road.

Have you guys just moved in?

We did. I'm Zack,
this is my wife Fola.

Esther. And this is
my... Josh. I'm Josh.

Ooh, agh!

Fola, I know.

You and me didn't have sex

for basically the entire
year that we've been married.

I liked it, hearing you
and him. Don't stop!

Josh? Are you cheating on me?

Esther, babe... Don't "babe" me!

Whoa!

I'm in love with you, and I think
you might be in love with me too.

What are you doing?

What the f*ck? We're over.

And when I'm gone, you're going
to miss me so f*cking much

that you'll want to die.

MOANING AND THUDDING
WITHIN CUBICLE

MORE FRANTIC MOANING

MAN AND WOMAN CRY OUT

COUPLE INSIDE CUBICLE LAUGH

There's a lady out there. A lady?
What, like a duchess? A woman.

Just go! Act natural.

Ah.

What?

MUSIC: Strut by Liz Lawrence

♪ Gotta go out to a
bar just to find it

♪ Somewhere between the back
room and the pool table... ♪

Excuse me? Can I just get...

Excuse me? H... hello?

How have you not
been served yet?

It is a lifelong curse.

Oi!

Er, can we have...
What are we having?

Um, well, I did...
I had one idea.

Because I worked out it's
six months since we met.

In case you'd forgotten. Is it?

Yeah. Well, give or take.

So I thought maybe... shots?

Do you remember Aquavit?

Oh, sh*t. Yes, yes. Can we
have two shots of Aquavit?

What? Aquavit. It's
a Swedish spirit.

It tastes a bit
like... Absolute sh*t.

Can we have two of those, please?
I don't think we have that.

Do you want to take a look?

Yeah.

Ooh! I know, it was a
bit spicy, wasn't it?

Spicy.

Uggh!

BOTH COUGH

f*cking Aquavit.

Cor, it goes straight
to the head, doesn't it?

Yeah, kicks you in the arse. Oh,
God, it's sort of Christmassy.

Oh, yeah, like a EastEnders
Christmas special.

Just tragedy and sadness.

Yeah, that is exactly right.

Are you gargling wine?

I'm just washing it around
my mouth. That is weird.

You're weird.

I like it.

Oh, this is beautiful, isn't it?

Like you. Shut. Up.

Makes a change from the
usual view, doesn't it?

Maybe you'll get used to it.

When I said I'm moving
north of the river,

I didn't mean immediately
north of the river. Oh.

I thought that's where
you were going to live.

HE LAUGHS

To your big move.

Yeah, the start
of a new chapter.

It's going to be a good one!

Also, you know, just
a bus and a tube away.

Citymapper says it only takes
45 minutes. Yeah. Exactly.

Erm, would you excuse
me for a second?

I've had a bunch of
missed calls from Nina,

so I should probably just check

she hasn't flooded the flat
or something. Yeah, course.

CALL RINGS OUT

Hi. So I am freaking out.

What is it now? We keep talking
about how she's moving away,

and every time it comes up,

I feel like I'm never
going to see her again.

She wants to move to
north London, Josh.

It's not f*cking Narnia.

Yes, but what if we only started

because we live across the street
from one another? Here we go.

Yeah, and what if she ends up
living opposite someone else?

Like a male model or a fireman or
something? Sounds hot, actually.

You're fully
catastrophising now, Josh.

You haven't been
dating that long.

You just don't like change.

Oh, I'm fine with change.

I love... I love change!

Her and Zack aren't even
divorced yet, right? No, but I...

Right, so she probably just wants
to take things at her own pace.

Although you're one to
talk. What does that mean?

You moved all your
stuff in on date three.

What? Just a toothbrush!

And your bloody lizard.

I was at yours all the time,
Billie Jean was missing me.

None of this is worth a panicky
phone call, is my point.

Just play it cool

and don't do anything stupid.

I won't!

I'll try not to. Um...

So? How's everything there? Have
um, l*sbian Book Club arrived?

Don't call it that.
You called it that!

Yeah, well, we're allowed to.

It's about creating a safe space
for q*eer women who love literature.

Yeah, Georgia says "We're
allowed to because it's about..."

Yeah, I know, I heard.

And now I can't make
fun of you any more,

so I'm going to go back
to my date. OK, goodbye.

Oh! Oh, God, yeah, God, yeah.

Oh, God, yeah.
Oh, God, oh, f*ck,

yeah, f*ck, yeah, f*ck, yeah!

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait! Are you OK? Yeah,
very f*cking OK, thank you.

My arse was just about to
fall down the sink. Oh. Sorry.

sh*t. f*ck. Um... Pretend to
be sick. Pretend to be sick.

Bleuurggh!

Yeah, sorry, we're almost done.

Bleurrrgh! We've
arrived at the station.

You have to get out.

Yeah, no, it's just, my
boyfriend's being sick. Hi!

Out, please.

I think we got
away with it. Yeah.

Thank you.

MUSIC: Charge It by ENNY

CALL RINGS OUT

Hey. How's the
flash new penthouse?

Well, I don't know if
it's flash exactly.

But, er, it's all good. Great.

Well, I'm just calling

to check that it's still OK
for me to come round tomorrow?

Ah, well, I guess we have
to do it at some point.

I guess we do. I'll,
erm, bring pastries.

Um... bring boxes, we need boxes.
I'll see you tomorrow. Bye.

That sounds like our
favourite lodger! Hey, guys!

Good day, Zachary? TFI Friday,
am I right? I... think so, yeah.

Any evening plans? I've made
too much kedgeree's the thing.

We were wondering if
you'd like to join us?

Er... that'd be... Yeah,
sure. That'd be lovely.

8.30? Super.

Oh, my God.

It was just... I should
have done it years ago.

I just feel like all my
cells are different now.

Yeah, I literally just got in.

Actually, um, that was the one
of the reasons I was ringing.

I was wondering if I could
crash at yours for a little bit.

I know you've got that
little spare room...

Yeah, but that's
why it'd be nice!

Because we can catch
up after so long.

And you can meet Lars!
We met in Thailand.

Yeah, well, yeah, he'll stay in
the room with me as well, yeah.

CALL CUTS OFF

Hello? Oh.

sh*t. OK, who else, who else?

Babe! I got you a Crunchie.

Aw, thanks, babe.

Hey. Why the frowny face?

I'm trying to find
somewhere for us to stay.

I thought you had a
flat, babe? Yeah, I do.

But, um, we can't
stay there because,

I never told you this, but...

I broke up with someone
before I went travelling.

And we were together for ages,
actually, like more than ten years.

And he still lives in the flat,

and I haven't spoken to
him since I left. Oh. Cool.

You don't mind?

Of course not, babe.

I know you had a sexual
past before we met. Aww.

Also, I've slept under
the stars many times.

Once, in Goa, I slept outdoors
every day for nine months.

I find it very beautiful.

Yeah, no, we'll definitely
stay somewhere indoors,

but let's get going,
shall we? Yeah!

What's this? That's the
Shard. Wow, the Shard.

Shard. Shard.

I don't know what
it does, though.

Um, oh, God, this is terrible.

You don't remember her name!

You f*ck!

No, I want to say Sharleen?
No, she was Scottish.

And it was in a tent
at Reading Festival.

Oh, Josh. That is so gross.

No, it was quite
sweet, actually.

I had no idea what I was doing.

Well, nothing's changed
on that front, then.

That is not what you were saying
on the kitchen floor the other day.

I don't think that counts
as saying anything.

I was... speaking in tongues.

What about you?
Who was your first?

Adrian Wong.

Oh! The famous
Adrian Wong. Shut up.

He was my first boyfriend.

It was pretty standard.

His parents went
out for the night,

went on for 15 seconds, had a
little cry on the tube afterwards.

Sounds pretty standard, yeah.

That's one of the benefits of
having you across the road. What is?

No crying on the tube. Well,
yeah, I mean, for now, anyway.

All on one card?
Er, yes, please.

You know, I think
it'll be good, though.

You know, not being on
each other's doorsteps.

Not being in each
other's pockets.

Not taking each other for
granted... Move in with me!

Wow! A big moment. f*ck off.

Sorry.

I'm... I'm really sorry.

That was so rude, it was
just an impulse... He's gone.

Move in? Josh, this is
meant to be the fun bit.

I'm having fun, aren't you?

I mean...

..this is more than
just fun, isn't it?

I... OK, OK, OK.
OK, you're right.

Blurgh! Forget I said anything.

That was just a
stupid impulse. Argh!

You're not the most impulsive
person I've ever met, Josh,

so I don't think
that that's right.

Look, um, my sister's having
birthday drinks at the Legion.

I wasn't going to go, but I
think I'm going to drop by now.

What is wrong with you? You
look like you're buffering.

I, I assumed we were
going back to yours.

Didn't we say... Well, lucky you
have a flat of your own, then.

Yeah, but I think I mentioned

that Nina and Georgia are having
their l*sbian Book Club there.

l*sbian Book Club? That's how they
described it! Couldn't they just...

No, they're having their
place done up at the minute...

Look, Josh! I don't know,
just... Just figure it out.

I just, just need
a bit of headspace.

Look, I'll call
you tomorrow, yeah?

MUSIC: C'est Comme Ca
by Paramore & Wet Leg

f*ck.

CAR HORN BLARES Sorry.

♪ C'est comme ca, c'est comme ca

♪ C'est comme ca, c'est comme ca

♪ C'est comme ca,
c'est comme ca... ♪

I'm sorry, my plans changed. I'm
going to go straight to my room

and you can ignore me...

Oh, my God.

♪ C'est comme ca, c'est comme ca

♪ C'est comme ca, c'est comme ca

♪ C'est comme ca, c'est comme ca

♪ C'est comme ca, c'est comme ca

♪ C'est comme ca, c'est comme ca

♪ C'est comme ca,
c'est comme ca. ♪