01x12 - The Raines Games

[bunniefuu]

I wonder what's keeping your brother.

- [Sighs]

- Oh.

Okay, everybody else has a boyfriend.

I can't at least have a roll?

No one eats before Freddie gets here.

Otherwise, it's not family dinner.

Oh, so it's like

the opposite of Olive Garden.

"If you're here, you're not family."

- No one gets a roll.

- Danny has one.

Oh, what the hell, man? I'm hungry.

We're all hungry, Danny.

Check your privilege.

[Sighs]

Okay, well, I can't just

wait around all night.

I could be hanging out with Nick.

My boyfriend.

That's right. Nick's my boyfriend now.

Did you ever tell him you

just wanted him for sperm?

Of course not, Sharon.

He's Nick Harper.

I have to be very selective

about the information I share with him.

Nick remembers me as the

valedictorian from high school,

not someone who holds

parking spaces for extra cash.

[Gasps] Oh, my God.

I found gum in my pocket.

I'll give you $1,000 for it.

Sorry, outside food counts as food.

- [All sighing]

- Everybody, just relax.

Freddie will be here soon,

and we can enjoy

a nice dinner as a family.

Oh, I knew he'd come for me.

- [Sighs]

- That's it. I'm eating.

I'm sorry we're late.

- That's okay.

- [Door closes]

You guys are here now.

That's all that matters.

Yeah, it's my fault.

Lunch ran long with my family.

Lunch always runs long with

my family. [Chuckles]

Lunch?

Were we sitting here so long

it rolled into tomorrow?

No, they just like to

make a whole day of it.

We tried to get out of there,

but then everybody started

telling stories,

and then they pulled out the guitars.

It was amazing.

I-I was in the middle of a conga line.

I thought it was

the line for the bathroom,

but then it just took off.

[Chuckles]

Celia, I-I thought you

came from a broken home.

Oh, it's pretty broken.

Like cousin Maria's punch bowl.

[Both laugh]

No, but really.

Oh, I mean, there are divorces,

step-siblings, new mommies,

and one baby uncle, but, you know,

bring them all together, and they just

really know how to have a good time.

What's a baby uncle?

Oh, a baby uncle is what happens

when you have a 29-year-old

stepgrandmother.

- I would watch that show.

- Mm-hmm.

I'm eating this roll.

- I don't care if it ends our friendship.

- Okay, fine. Let's eat.

Freddie, I made your

favorite, baked ziti.

And I burned the edges a little,

just the way you like.

And also the middle and the top.

Thanks, but I'm still

kind of full from lunch.

Celia's family had three

whole tables full of food.

I've never seen anything like it.

And it wasn't even a special occasion.

It was just a regular lunch.

Who roasts a whole pig

for regular lunch?

It was crazy.

And then I looked into

his eyes, and it was sad.

But then I tasted it,

and it was delicious.

- I love food that's sad and delicious.

- [Chuckles]

Can we please stop

talking about lunch now?

You're gonna make dinner jealous.

We're here to have our own fun.

Okay, okay, but real quick,

let me show you this picture

of Celia's baby uncle in a bolo tie.

Right?

Show me the picture.

Oh, send it to me.

♪♪

Eight-hour feasts and conga lines?

Celia completely misrepresented herself.

My favorite thing about her

was her broken home.

- You want to take that again?

- You know what I mean.

It meant that I would always

have the better family.

The fun family.

In every couple,

one side is the favorite,

the other is the obligation.

I thought I was a shoo-in

for the favorite.

Which is why I haven't been

trying very hard.

This has been you not trying hard?

[Scoffs] When Ted Jr. got married,

I didn't know which side

of the family I was

until I got to the wedding.

That's when her family

gave them a lake house

next to their lake houses.

Now they got Ted Jr. for Thanksgiving,

and I get a "video hug" on my birthday.

[Scoffs] See? I don't want that.

I thought I already won.

Won what? It's not a contest.

That's what the loser family says.

Uh, I don't have a loser family.

[Chuckles]

Where did you spend the holidays

when you and Cheryl were still married?

With hers, but that's

only 'cause my family

Oh.

Loser.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Can you believe

I've been in LA this long

without a single game night?

Yeah, well, I've been

in LA for three weeks,

and the only celebrity

I've seen is Rick Fox.

And for some reason,

I've seen him six times.

I stopped getting excited six times ago.

[Chuckles]

We never had game nights growing up.

My mom always said they

were the devil's work

and are just a gateway drug to

Ouija boards and naked Twister.

Ooh, I want to go to

your mom's game night.

No.

Tonight is gonna be the best game night.

It has to be.

I've got to remind the kids

that we're the better family.

Back in Iowa, our game nights

were legendary.

We used to call them the Raines Games.

[Chuckles] In high school,

Freddie used to stay home

on a Saturday night

just to play games with me.

I've seen pictures of him

in high school, and, uh,

I don't think that's why

he had to stay home.

Oh, my gosh, I just realized

the teams are uneven.

Oh, that's okay.

I've been your teammate for 20 years.

I'll let Danny handle it tonight.

I'll be the scorekeeper.

And for the record, I can be bought.

Torch accepted.

It is about to get [snaps fingers] hot.

Oh, the other teams are

gonna be in trouble tonight.

We've got a good connection.

We are so good, we can

Win.

Finish each other's sentences.

Dammit, Danny,

get your head in the game.

We're gonna start with

a game of Celebrity.

Ooh, what's Celebrity?

Is that when we all do

celebrity impressions?

Because I do a really good Viola Davis.

[As Viola Davis] "How. To Get Away.

- With m*rder."

- [Gasping]

- That was excellent.

- I know.

I was like, "Where did Lane go?"

[Chuckling] Yeah. But no.

Celebrity is a game where

you try to guess a celebrity

based on your teammate's clues.

The first round, you can use

as many words as you want,

but the second round,

you can only use one word.

That's when it gets really fun.

Let's do this!

[Normal voice] Please don't do that.

- I didn't grow up with sports.

- Sorry.

[Door opens]

Hey, Mom. We're here.

Why are you dressed like

- T.J. Maxx "Queen's Gambit"?

- [Door closes]

Are Are Are those nude pantyhose?

No, I just finally shaved my legs.

Ah.

Um, Nick, of course you know my mother,

and this is her best friend, Sharon,

who's on holiday from Waterloo.

And this is Danny,

who owns this delightful

abode. [Chuckles]

Also known as the garage.

The bedroom still smells like a muffler.

Are you the one who wrote that review?

Mm-hmm.

It's so nice to be here, Mrs. Raines.

- Thanks for inviting me.

- I didn't.

I mean, nice to see you. [Chuckles]

The teams are uneven again.

- You have to play.

- I don't want to play.

I want to be scorekeeper.

Scorekeeper gets to drink.

I'd also like to be scorekeeper.

[As Viola Davis] "How. To get away.

With drinking."

[Chuckling] Oh.

Nick, let me get you

something from the kitchen.

No, Jackie, let me get you something.

- You've been volunteering all day.

- [Chuckles]

She's amazing.

She won't let anyone

do anything for her.

[Normal voice] Uh-huh.

Where do you volunteer

these days, Jackie?

Children with pets

who need legs.

Children with pets who need legs!

Do the children need legs,

or do the pets need legs?

- We're not allowed to ask.

- Ah.

Uh, Jackie, will you

help me in the kitchen?

Yes, it would be my pleasure, Mother.

Ugh.

So, Nick, how long have you been in LA?

I moved here after college.

And how many times

have you seen Rick Fox?

None.

But here's something cool

I saw an actual fox when I was

hiking at Griffith Park.

A real fox? Well, that's boring.

[Whispering] Okay. What's going on?

Why are you being weird

on family fun night?

[Whispering] What do you mean?

I'm not being weird.

Nicholas, would you like

your drinks on the rocks

or sans rocks?

- Whatever you're having.

- [Chuckles]

[Whispering] See? He loves this Jackie.

[Whispering] You're lying to him.

Of course I'm lying to him.

I worked in real estate

long enough to know

you have to stage a place

to get someone to sign a lease.

I'm the model unit.

Then once he falls in love with this,

he'll be ready to deal with

the rusty pipes and

the leaky basement unit.

Also known as my Taco Bell

tattoo and my night screams.

When did you get a tattoo?

I wish I could remember.

Just get on board with the model unit

- and sell, sell, sell, okay?

- Okay.

Well, I'm selling

something tonight, too.

What do you mean?

Danny already bought you

as a mid-century modern.

He's not expecting [Chuckling]

new appliances.

I'm not talking about me and Danny.

I'm talking about this family.

Tonight is about

showing Freddie and Celia

that we're the best.

You sell me. I'll sell that.

Ah! That point goes to Danny and Jean.

- Damn right it does!

- [Chuckles]

Now, let's do something fun

and switch up the teams.

Yeah, except us, right?

'Cause we're on fire.

And I do not want to be

with any of these losers.

I think we're okay with that.

[Sighs]

Celia, wait until you see

Freddie and Jackie together.

Oh, they're so good.

It's like they have their own language.

We used to call them "Frackie."

Oh, wait, so I'm with Nick now?

Mm. That works.

No, wait. No, that

that doesn't seem right.

They're both hot to game night.

New to game night. What?

Yeah, it's fine.

- Nick, you're with me.

- Mm.

- Okay, this is gonna be fun.

- Mm-hmm.

Let the Raines Games

continue! [Chuckles]

I'm going to drink every time

she says "Raines Games."

I'm gonna drink anytime

anybody says anything.

I'm on holiday.

- Yeah.

- [Glasses clink]

He's an actor.

His hairline is the shape of a toaster.

- David Schwimmer.

- Yes.

Dunkin' Donuts.

- Ben Affleck.

- Yes!

I never remember his name.

- Michael Bublé.

- Yes!

Whoo! Time.

That is gonna be hard to beat.

Yeah! Who's the loser now?

Suck it, suck it, suck it,

suck it, suck it, suck it!

Okay, I'm glad you're having fun,

but don't tell my family to suck it.

Okay, sorry. I withdraw my suck-its.

Celia and Nick, you're up.

Okay. [Clears throat]

Um, no idea. Pass.

Ugh, I hate him. Pass.

Okay. Ooh, okay.

She's that girl from the TV.

Um, she has the cutest bernedoodle.

Uh, she brought back jelly sandals.

- [Imitates buzzer]

- Was that a minute?

It was all I could take.

Well, good effort.

Let's not forget it's

their first Raines Games.

Mm, their first what?

- Raines Games.

- Mm.

What kind of games?

Raines Games.

How

Raines Oh, I see what you're doing.

- Okay, babe, go, go, go, go, go.

- All right, Freddie! Come on!

- Here we go. Here we go.

- Come on, Freddie.

Oh, okay, okay, uh, uh,

he was in that movie

that I thought I was gonna hate,

but then I loved it.

- Ooh, I know what this is.

- No idea.

Uh, he's big.

I have a poster of young him in my room.

- No idea.

- I know.

I saw him at Whole Foods

buying 20 chicken breasts.

I saw Rick Fox buying

a pork chop at Ralph's.

No idea.

Uh. Do you smell-l-l-l-l what

blank is cooking?!

Chicken?

SHARON: [Imitates buzzer]

The Rock.

- Uh, Danny, help me get dessert.

- Mm-hmm.

What was that? Were you trying to lose?

Of course not.

I just didn't get your clues.

It doesn't matter. It's just a game.

What?

Okay, what's going on with you?

Nothing.

You know what? I think we're gonna go.

Nick, I'm gonna grab my purse.

Seriously, Jackie, what's going on?

Y-You don't care that we're losing?

You're the most competitive

person in the family.

I don't care about

stupid things anymore.

I've evolved.

Jackie, you missed

a job interview yesterday

'cause you were watching

YouTube videos of cats

who are afraid of cucumbers.

Why is it every cat?

It's like all of them.

Do they think it's a snake?

Okay, fine, I haven't evolved.

But you need to shut your mouth,

because I'm doing something.

But you guys can't leave.

We haven't played Charades yet.

One word sounds like "brownies."

I made brownies!

Somehow, I have fallen a*s-backwards

into a beautiful relationship

with Nick Harper.

The only way that keeps going

is if he doesn't find out

who I really am.

So you've been lying to him?

Nonstop. I had to.

And I think he's starting to

fall in love with fake Jackie.

She volunteers for charities,

drives an electric car,

has a savings account.

I mean, I'm starting to

fall in love with fake Jackie.

- [Chuckles]

- Who's fake Jackie?

Oh.

Hey, Nick.

Bonjour.

Uh, what's going on?

We gonna have Round Two?

We gotta have Round Two.

Otherwise, you guys

won't be able to suck it.

Don't tell your mom I said that.

Celia, let's get out of here.

Well, guys [scoffs] you can't leave.

We're having fun.

Jean, I don't know how

to break this to you

- I'm probably the only one that's having fun

- [Door opens]

and I'm not even having

that much fun.

[Sighs] But this was supposed to save me

from computer hugs on my birthday

and holidays spent alone.

I'm not giving up without a fight.

Oh, my God.

Jean, I knew something was up.

It's not a big deal.

It's only one Christmas.

What's one Christmas?

- Uh

- What were you talking about?

What are you talking about?

You told me you told her.

I was going to.

Mom, we're spending Christmas

with Celia's family.

Oh. Okay.

Well, I guess we know

who lost this round.

Hey, you just lost your family.

But we won everything else.

Mm.

What's Christmas without my kids?

Who's gonna crawl in bed with me

while I read "'Twas

the Night Before Christmas"?

Am I gonna have to settle in

for a long winter's nap

all by myself?

Aw, that sounds

You know, Jean, it it is normal

for families to grow

and get more complicated.

And Freddie has commitments

to Celia's family now.

Eventually, Jackie will have

other commitments, too.

You know, there may be some holidays

where you're gonna have to be flexible.

"Flexible" is just

the therapy word for alone.

You know, Danny,

we're not all therapists.

Some of us are realists.

You know, people who keep it real.

Well, come on, Sharon.

You're a few years

ahead of Jean on this.

How did you all figure out the holidays

with Ted Jr.'s wife's family?

Well, I wanted him to come

spend Thanksgiving with me.

He invited me to spend

Thanksgiving with all of them.

I said, "I'd rather you stick me

in the oven with the turkey."

And now I eat Thanksgiving

alone at the bowling alley.

'Cause I like their stuffing.

Okay, Jean, you're gonna

have to communicate.

That's really the only way

to work these things out.

Okay, two things.

Sharon, you've been

having Thanksgiving dinner

at the bowling alley?

I invite you every year.

Your stuffing's dry.

What's the second thing?

Danny's right.

I think we need the Raines Stick.

Ooh, she's bringing out the big g*ns.

But But not a g*n, right?

Better.

We made the Raines Stick

as a way to communicate.

The rules are simple.

Whosever holding the stick has

to talk about their feelings.

Oh.

Oh, that's actually

a real group exercise

we use in, uh, interventions

and family therapy.

You get three points for crying,

minus two for yelling,

and you lose your turn

if you blame your mother.

Well, in therapy,

we call blaming your mother

a breakthrough.

- And you just lost 30 points.

- [Stick rattles]

- Damn it!

- Why are you so competitive?

Oh, I don't know. I blame my

Never mind.

♪♪

[Stick rattles]

My place.

Lane, we have to go.

What a weird family.

♪♪

[Stick rattles]

- My place.

- No.

[Sighs] You can't say no

to the Raines Stick, Celia.

Of course you can't.

♪♪

[Stick rattles]

Welcome to the first

Los Angeles Raines Stick circle.

I'm gonna lay out a few ground rules.

Unless you're the scorekeeper

that's me

there's no talking unless

you're holding the stick.

- Can I be scorekeeper, too?

- No talking without the stick.

This isn't a game.

Then why is there a scorekeeper?

Okay, I'll go first.

[Chuckles]

I think you all know

how important game nights

and Sunday dinners

and all the holidays are to me.

That's what keeps us connected,

keeps us close,

and I'm not ready to

give some of them up.

So I just want to say

that I'm willing to

let you guys spend another

holiday with Celia's family,

but I'm keeping Christmas.

Okay, can I have the stupid stick?

You lose two points

for insulting the stick,

but go ahead.

Thank you. [Sighs]

Jean, we see you practically every day.

And it's great.

I love that you've made me

a part of your family.

I just want my family to

have the same opportunity

with Freddie

to make him a part of ours.

And I'm sorry, but you're just

gonna have to get used to

the fact that we have to share

some holidays from now on.

So we are spending

this Christmas with my family.

It's not your decision.

[Gasps]

Oh, sorry.

[Gasps]

But how could Christmas

not be my decision?

I'm Santa.

Okay, Freddie promised that from now on,

we would split all holidays evenly.

It's only fair.

You guys just couldn't

let me be happy, fake Jackie.

Happy, fake Jackie

was doing great with Nick.

Happy, fake Jackie

was making love with Nick

on a nightly basis.

1,000 points for Jackie.

[Grunts]

I wasn't gonna say anything,

but I was planning on

taking everyone to Hawaii for Christmas.

- Mom.

- And I'm dying.

Don't even joke!

- And I'm pregnant.

- Oh, Jean.

Okay, fine.

Oh. My turn. Wow. Uh, okay.

I'm, uh I'm more used to facilitating

these kinds of exercises, but, um,

might take a minute

for me to check in with

my own feelings.

Um, whoa, let me see.

Let me see.

I think, first,

I'd like to thank you all

- for having me here.

- [Imitates buzzer]

Is there a time limit on this?

- No. Next.

- I don't want to.

You've got the stick.

You've got to talk.

Well, that's not entirely true.

Danny, you don't have the stick.

Okay, um [Clears throat]

I'm trying to start this

new family with Celia,

but I'm feeling all kinds of

pressure from my old family.

Well, one member.

- He's talking about me.

- You don't have the stick.

Danny, I'm not gonna warn you again.

Celia, I want to

have Christmas with you.

Mom, I-I-I want to have

Christmas with you, too.

Ugh, see?

Everyone is mad at me, and this sucks!

I don't think I really understand.

Just tell us how you feel.

No, I understand the game.

TOGETHER: It's not a game.

What I don't understand is why you guys

spend all of your time together arguing

about when you'll get to

spend more time together

instead of enjoying your time together.

It's a waste of time.

I haven't seen my brother

for four years,

so get over yourself

and appreciate what you have,

'cause it could all be

taken away from you.

By me, if you make me play another game.

- [Stick rattles]

- This is a damn game!

♪♪

See?

Christmas can be any day you make it.

Aww, you're right, Cookie.

It doesn't matter when we celebrate,

as long as we're together.

Oh, I really like this.

- Feels like Christmas back home.

- Ah?

You know, 'cause, in Australia,

our seasons are reversed.

So you have Fourth of July

in the winter?

Jean, we don't have Fourth of July.

So you just go from

the third to the fifth?

Oh, we're messing with you, Danny.

- [Laughing]

- Yeah.

- Merry Christmas, Mom.

- Merry Christmas, Jean.

- I made some buñuelos.

- Aww. Ah!

They're like a cross between

a doughnut and a beignet.

My Abuela always makes

them at Christmas.

They're almost as good as your brownies.

Oh, well, if you think

my brownies are good,

you should taste my Christmas cookies.

Next year.

Because we're going to do

every other, right?

Yes, Mom, we signed the napkin-contract.

[Chuckles]

- Hey, guys, Nick and I are here.

- Ah.

Yeah, that's right.

We're still together.

He knows I'm unemployed,

and the only time he sees

fake Jackie is in the bedroom.

And I'm okay with that.

Okay, guys. [Chuckles]

I even showed him my Taco Bell tattoo.

And what did you say, Nick?

Uh, well, first, I made a joke

about thinking outside the bun.

Seriously, guys, clean it up.

It's Christmas.

I said I like this Jackie better.

- Aww.

- Hear that?

I'm wearing shorts,

and I didn't even shave my legs.

[Chuckles]

All right, come on.

We got Christmas beer,

Christmas wine, Christmas vodka.

We are going to drink

until we see Santa.

This is a fun family.

- A what?

- A fun family.

- A what?

- A fun family?

Uh, it'll never be enough for her, Nick.

Come on.

[Chuckles]

Hey, Danny, do you know what this is?

Hmm

- It's mistletoe.

- I think it's rosemary.

Do you want to kiss me or not?

- Let's do this!

- [Chuckles]

♪♪

Okay, so we're gonna try

game night again.

But this time,

no pressure, no weirdness,

and no whatever Danny was doing.

What winning? No one's gonna win?

Danny.

I promise I'll try.

Okay, so, how about next Thursday?

Oh, I can't. It's Nick's birthday.

Do we want to roll the dice

that they'll still be together?

Freddie.

Oh, actually, we're out anyway.

It's my uncle's first birthday.

And then we have to watch

my stepgrandma deejay.

All right, h-how about

two Thursdays from now?

Nope, nope, we can't.

We got Jimmy Buffett tickets.

Yeah, but once he does "Margaritaville,"

we can go, right?

Jean, I'm not gonna have

this argument again.

His catalogue is deeply underrated.

How about the Friday?

Ooh, can't.

I'm going to brunch with Rick Fox.

He finally wore me down.

Well, this is terrible.

We don't know how long it's gonna be

before we're all in a room together.

Guys, we're here now.

- I'll get Taboo.

- I'll heat up the pizza rolls.

Prepare to suck it!

Danny's gonna be scorekeeper.

I don't like who I am right now.

♪♪