01x08 - California Jeanin'

[bunniefuu]

[Cellphone rings, vibrates]

Hello?

SHARON: Rise and shine, Clementine.

It's the beginning of

your birthday week!

Yeah, I know. Who cares?

It's just another week.

This is the first year since 9th grade

that you and I haven't spent

my birthday together.

That means no birthday breakfast,

no birthday second breakfast,

no birthday "Humpty Dance."

Think again. [Laughs]

- Oh, my God!

- Aah!

Sharon, what are you doing here?

Did you come here all by yourself?

Well, I was partly involved.

Happy to do it.

You know, someone had to

get her from the airport.

Morning rush hour on a Thursday,

which a lot of people don't realize

is actually busier than a Monday.

I can't believe you're in on this.

Well, your kids wanted to help,

but they were busy, so

Oh, well.

- Sharon!

- My babies! Oh! Mwah!

What happened to being busy?

Oh, actually, we lied about that.

We just don't do airport runs.

[Chuckles]

I mean, come on, Danny.

I don't have a man or a job.

- What was I doing?

- [Door closes]

- This is the best gift ever!

- Aww.

Danny, I don't know if you know

this about my Jean yet,

but she loves her birthday.

Yeah. But you don't have to

get me anything.

We're still in the pre-dating phase.

Unless you want to lower my rent.

You actually haven't paid rent

this month.

- I'm going to get that to you.

- Okay.

- Come on. Let me show you the place.

- Okay.

By the way, don't fall for that

"You don't have to get me anything."

She says that to everyone.

You totally have to get her something.

Totally have to get her something.

Okay. Maybe I'll get her a card

and write inside,

"Remember when your kids tricked me into

picking up your best friend

from the airport

during rush hour on a Thursday,

which is actually busier than a Monday?"

You know I had to go inside?

It cost me $32 to park.

I mean, that feels like a gift to me.

And they say romance

is dead in Australia.

- They do?

- They will.

♪

♪

I'm just so happy

to be together in person.

I've missed your lower half.

Huh. Well, you're not missing much.

It's usually covered

in salsa and cat hair.

I don't live a very glamorous life.

Then let's do something glamorous.

There's this spa

I've been meaning to try.

I've had a buy-one-get-one,

but I haven't had anyone to get one.

They've got this special wrap

that pulls all the toxins out of you.

Oh, I brought a double

cheeseburger on the airplane

and washed it down with

four cans of wine

to calm my flying nerves.

Girl, I could use something

to pull the toxins out.

Okay, everybody, listen up,

because this is important.

It is my first time hosting the family

as an official fiancée of Freddie's.

A bad dinner party

can end an engagement,

and I'm not letting that happen again.

Again?

I mean, who knows how many

birthdays Jean has left?

What?

So, we will have

a selection of appetizers,

and for the main course,

I'll be cooking my Abuela's

Mojo Chicken.

We always have it for special

occasions in my family.

Mm. Sounds like a lot of effort.

Speaking of not making an effort,

let's talk about your outfit

for the evening, Jackie.

Me?

Oh, do you want me to pretend

like I'm talking to everyone?

It's nothing personal, Jackie.

We just haven't developed outfit trust,

and this evening has to be perfect.

Don't worry about it being perfect, Cel,

'cause once my mom sees

the gift that I got her,

heads will roll.

I don't think that expression

means what you think it means.

Okay, so what are we getting Mom

this year?

We are getting her nothing,

'cause we are getting her

a 75-inch quantum color flat screen TV

with 8 million pixels

and a built-in soundbar.

Cool. So I'll just go in

on that with you.

No, you won't. It's from us.

Fine. Whatever. I don't need you.

Lane and I will get her

something together.

Well, I already have my gift

for Mother Raines.

It's an original ballad

I'm composing for her.

You can sing backup if you want.

I'll figure something out.

Come on! The gift of song is priceless!

And by "priceless," I mean free.

Just get up and try it.

Okay. You ready?

[High-pitched] Meet me here ♪

[Flatly] I'm heeeeeeere ♪

I don't know where you are,

but you're not here ♪

Maybe you could meet me over here ♪

Maybe not singing is the gift ♪

I hate you all ♪

♪

Oh, Jean.

That locker room is great.

It's got all kinds of free combs

and lotions and stuff.

Look, I loaded up my purse.

Oh, hey.

You're out of combs

and lotions and stuff.

All right, well, relax.

Enjoy the amenities.

I'll be back shortly to escort you

to the healing lounge for

your signature treatments.

Oh, hey. Um, excuse me, Melissa.

Are there any famous people here today?

I saw a naked lady,

looks like Drew Barrymore.

It's not her. I asked.

Namaste.

What's with her?

We don't really do that here.

We like to treat celebrities

like regular people.

Oh, "we" do?

- Okay, fancy.

- Oh, stop.

But if you want to talk about

fancy, try this water.

[Gasps]

Oh, God.

[Gasps]

[Groans]

I think they forgot to wash

the soap out of this.

No, Sharon, it's infused.

With nasty?

[Sighs] Come on.

We wanted to try something

glamorous for my birthday.

- Can you get into the spirit?

- [Sighs]

- [Ringtone plays "The Humpty Dance"]

- Ooh.

Come on, unh, and do the Humpty Hump ♪

Sexy baby ♪

Do the Humpty Hump ♪

Oh. I changed it for your birthday.

Sharon, this is the Quiet Room.

Oh, it's Ted Jr.

He's cat-sitting for me.

Tuna Fey has been backed up all week.

Hey, Ted Jr.

Did she go in the litter box yet?

What do you mean,

you think it was a poop?

- [Sighs]

- You got to break it up.

With your hand, Ted!

Oh, my God.

Oh, hey. Is Is Jackie here?

I need her advice.

What do you need help with?

Losing a man or losing a job?

Wow.

Sorry. She's not here. I can get real.

It's exhausting

being the supportive friend

- to such a train wreck.

- Yeah, okay.

Well, maybe you can help me,

uh, with Jean's gift.

Just let me know if you think it's okay.

Uh, so, listen, in my practice,

I see a lot of, uh,

rocky relationships, okay?

And the number-one complaint

that women have

is that men don't listen.

So I wanted to give Jean a gift

that shows her I'm listening.

Have you lost your mind?

But the gals at the brassiere shop

Stop. I can't.

Give me that. I can't even look at it.

I can't even look at you!

Danny, husbands who have been

with their wives for 50 years

don't get them full-coverage beige bras.

But did I mention the gals

at the brassiere shop said

it's so sturdy, it's the last

bra you'll ever need.

Okay, I'll try again.

♪

[Sighs]

Aren't you hot?

I'm hot.

But I think the detox is working,

'cause I can smell the hamburger

coming out of my pores.

[Sniffs]

And chicken nuggets.

Which is weird, 'cause

I didn't have any nuggets.

[Sighs]

Sharon, you have to stop talking.

We can all smell it.

♪

[Ringtone plays "The Humpty Dance"]

Sharon, turn off your phone!

Come on, unh ♪

Maybe your phone wouldn't be

so hard to find

if you didn't steal so many

combs and lotions and stuff.

Sorry! She's from Iowa!

- [Ringtone stops]

- Excuse me?

- You don't have to apologize for me.

- Well, I think I do.

I'm sorry, Sharon,

but you're acting like

you've never been out in public before.

Be careful.

I'm not that tightly wrapped.

What's going on with you?

Me? What's going on with you?

You used to be fun.

Now you go to snooty spas and care more

about what other people think

than your friend.

- I think L.A. has changed you.

- So what?

I'm trying new things.

There's nothing wrong with

being a little more

- What?

- Sophisticated.

Are you calling me a hick?

I'm too sophisticated

to call people names,

but I'm not the one sweating nuggets.

No, you're the one

paying people good money

to wrap you like a dirt burrito.

Oh! This place is stupid.

I get it, Sharon. You hate it here.

I get it. You love it here.

Why did you even come?

I was wondering the same thing.

Well, go home if you want to.

I would, but I don't want to

do that to the kids.

They've worked really hard

on your party,

and Celia's already approved my outfit.

Okay.

Well, I can certainly fake nice

for one evening.

One evening?

You've been faking nice for 65 years.

That's it!

I'll see you in the car!

Oh.

[Grunting]

Oh, I hate L.A.!

[Grunts]

[Grunting]

Hey, Cel?

Can you help me in here?

This present is so big.

It's like trying to wrap a whale.

A very expensive whale

that'll make my mom love me

more than my sister.

Freddie, we are four hours from go time,

and I know that's not

what you're wearing,

because your clothes

are laid out on the bed.

I'm gonna have to wear a belt, aren't I?

I [Scoffs] I'm sorry?

Do you have any idea how hard

I've been working on this party?

¿Y tu te estás quejando un esta momento?

Después que yo me mato en la cocina,

- recogiendo tu reguero en esta casa.

- Hey, guys.

Oh, did you want to

finish yelling at him?

I can totally wait.

Ni te levantas un dedo pa ayudarme

como un niño malcriado.

Hey, Jackie.

Hey.

Okay, guys, check out

what I made for Mom.

[Exhales sharply]

It is a garden stone,

like the one Freddie and I had

at the house back in Waterloo

with impressions of our feet

when we were little.

Holy cow. What size are your feet?

9 1/2 and a 10.

Wow, that's a lot of cement.

What's going on with that one toe?

Oh, I inherited Mom's Morton Toe.

It's our bond.

It's not for you.

So anyways, now that we both

have these great gifts,

I was thinking maybe you could

put my name on the TV,

I'll put your name on the garden stone,

and we can give Mom

both of them together.

- Win-win.

- No, no.

Come on, Freddie!

Ah, I'm sorry, sister. Nope.

This TV is from Celia and I.

Done and done.

You're just gonna have to stand

on your own two massive feet.

Oh, like how you stood on

your own two feet

when you were still breastfeeding?

The pediatrician said

children wean themselves

when they're ready.

Well, let me know when you are.

Bye, Celia.

[Door closes]

Why don't you just

put her name on the TV

and say it's from all of us?

Because every gift that Jackie

has ever gotten my mom

has been the best gift ever.

Last year, it was a smart picture frame

loaded with our baby pictures

that played on a loop to

the complete Bee Gees anthology,

and Mom still brings it up

out of nowhere.

[Sighs]

This year, it's my turn

to win the Birthday w*r.

w*r? Really?

- This is a w*r to you?

- Oh, yeah.

Everything with Jackie is a competition.

I just decided to win it this year.

♪

- I have no gift.

- Okay, no knock?

We do not have

that kind of relationship.

I have been all over the city.

I-I don't know what to get her.

Honestly, I cannot think of

anything better than the bra.

What if I got her something

with the bra?

Like panties.

Did you just say "panties"

in my apartment?

Danny, I'm trying to write a song.

I don't know Jean at all.

I mean, the most detailed thing

I know about her

is her water usage,

which is surprisingly high, by the way.

Actually, is there something in that?

Should I get her a flow regulator?

Yeah, just get her panties

and a flow regulator.

Usually when I buy someone a gift,

I know what I am to that person,

you know?

But we're in this in-between stage.

We never got to do that phase at

the beginning of a relationship

where you stay up all night talking,

learning about what makes good gifts.

Then get her something to show her

- how excited you are to get to know her.

- Mm-hmm.

And you should be excited.

She's a dream.

Dream, dream dream Jean.

Dream Jean ♪

Too good for a flow regulator ♪

Okay, it's coming to me.

It's coming to me.

I need to create,

and you need to get out.

♪

Why do I smell burgers?

Did you guys eat before you came?

I don't want to talk about it.

And nobody wants to hear about it.

Wait. Do I sense tension?

There is no room at the table

for tension.

Tension at a dinner party

can end a marriage,

and I'm not letting that happen again.

Again?

Wait, I did not approve that scarf.

- Take it off.

- Oh.

Happy birthday!

Oh.

Everything looks beautiful, Celia.

I know.

[Doorbell rings]

- Freddie, get that.

- Okay.

Okay. I give up.

My garden stone was scary.

I'm giving her a card. You win.

Oh, it's not a contest.

- Happy birthday, Mom!

- Oh.

- Happy birthday, Mom.

- Oh!

I have to go check on the chicken.

Why doesn't somebody get

a party game started?

Ooh, I love party games. I'll go first.

Kiss-Marry-k*ll.

I k*ll Jean.

You have to wait till

I give you your options fist.

Nothing you say is going to

change my mind.

♪

Okay, so if I'm marrying

"Clueless" Paul Rudd,

I guess I've got to k*ll

"Ant-Man" Paul Rudd,

which is not gonna be easy,

but I'll be free to kiss real Paul Rudd.

No! Oh, I forgot "This is 40" Paul Rudd.

- Can I go again?

- No.

We get it. You like Paul Rudd.

Yeah.

So, tell me about high school Jean.

How was she? Was she popular?

I'll bet she was popular.

No, she was a big, ol' nerd. [Laughs]

But I let her hang out with me.

But the turning point came for her

when I managed her 9th grade

student council campaign

for vice president,

and I came up with the winning slogan

- "Jean Will Get the Job Done."

- Mm.

And then some kid wrote "hand"

in front of "job."

[Laughter]

Not some kid.

That was you?

Yep. You won in a landslide.

I made you.

The boys from the Chess Club

followed me around

like it was a conga line.

I k*ll Sharon.

Excuse me, everybody.

Sorry for the delay.

My Abuela told me

that God would tell her

when the chicken was ready,

and God seems to be

taking her sweet time,

so why don't we just start with

gifts while we wait?

Okay, I'll go first.

I'll get this out of the way.

So, now, it wasn't easy

to come up with something

that struck a balance between

friendship and intimacy.

[Groans]

Wow.

It's a flowerpot filled with dirt.

I love it.

What did you do?

You also have a bra coming.

Oh, great.

Because, boy, could I use a bra.

Uh, no, no.

There's actually a bulb

planted in there,

and it's gonna bloom

in about two months,

and I thought because were gonna

take our relationship

to the next level

in about that same time,

our relationship and the flower

will bloom

- at the same time.

- At the same time!

Aww! It's perfect!

- Danny, you did it.

- [Laughs]

- I love it.

- Ohh.

She loves it!

Yeah, she says she loves it,

but wait until it takes a call

about a constipated cat

in the Quiet Room.

I thought I k*lled you.

Okay. Here's a little nibble.

Just to tide you over. Okay.

Okay, who's next? How about Jackie goes?

Okay.

Mom, um, I didn't get you a gift,

but I wrote you a card.

This is gonna be so bad.

"Mom, as you know,

it's been a tough year for me,

so I didn't have a lot to spend

on your birthday gift.

Two relationships have ended,

I quit my job, so I have no money."

At least she's not singing it.

Okay, it's a small room. I can hear you.

"You moved halfway across

the country to make sure

Freddie and I were safe

and healthy and happy,

and at first, I wasn't sure

how I felt about that.

But in this time when I could

have felt really alone,

I haven't, because you've been with me.

I may not be able to get you a gift,

but our time together

has been a gift to me.

Please don't ever leave.

Happy birthday. I love you."

That worked? I got to get my gift!

It's just beautiful, sweetie.

The perfect gift.

[Sobbing]

JEAN: Are you crying?

Excuse me. [Crying]

Hey, Mom.

Look. I got you a 75-inch TV.

It's got 8 million pixels.

Oh, a TV. Thanks, honey.

- Yeah.

- I'll be right back.

Mom, no! It's got 8 million pixels!

Mom!

[Sighs]

Any chance that card

came from both of us?

Oh, no.

[Sniffling]

Are you okay?

I'm fine. Get back to your party.

Oh, come on. You never cry.

Like, never.

I mean, it's weird to go

to funerals with you.

What's happening?

Nothing's happening. I'm fine.

You haven't been fine

since you got here.

It's like you've been trying

to ruin things.

Why?

Because I'm mad at you.

Why are you mad at me?

Because you're never coming back.

I've been holding out hope

that your kids were going to

get sick of you,

because you can be a lot.

But when Jackie read

that stupid, beautiful card,

- I realized I've really lost you.

- Oh.

Don't be dumb, Sharon.

You haven't lost me.

Jean, your kids want you here

all the time.

Forever.

You're building a life here.

You got a pre-boyfriend

and a pre-daughter-in-law.

And we have 40 years of Humpty dances

and double dates and can't-get-dates

and you pretending to be my wife

so you could be in the delivery

room when I had Jackie.

But what if we drift apart?

That can't happen.

You were by my side when I met, married,

then buried my husband.

It was a hell of a night.

[Both chuckle]

I'm sorry, I had to.

Otherwise I was gonna

start crying again.

You're my best friend.

I'm nothing without you.

You made me.

I did. [Laughs]

- Mother Raines?

- Yeah.

Are you ready for my birthday present?

Mm. [Sniffles]

I'm glad you're here.

Me too.

♪

Mother Raines, for your birthday,

I wanted to do something special.

I wrote you a song to try to

capture how much you mean to me.

It's a song about family,

love, friendship,

peace on Earth for a little bit,

but then I took that part out.

It's off my new album,

"Life in the Lane Lane."

[Instrumental R&B music plays]

You know what they say

about love in groups ♪

It's the family you have

and the one you choose ♪

Got a daughter and a son,

but I'm yours, too ♪

Oh, so many people behind you ♪

That you've been giving your time to ♪

Let me do something for you ♪

For once ♪

Let me do something for you ♪

Yeah ♪

Not just words,

there's so much you deserve ♪

Just sit there ♪

Let me do something for you ♪

It's your day ♪

[Music ends]

Yes!

That's the best birthday present

I've ever gotten.

[Chuckles] I know.

The b*stard smoked us.

At least I didn't spend any money.

The side dishes are served.

♪

Customer service.

Customer service.

Representative.

Representative!

Help! Help!

What are you doing?

[Scoffs] Changing my flight.

You're not the only one

with a birthday, you know.

I thought I'd stick around till mine.

Let you take me to "The Price is Right."

But your birthday's not for a month.

Oh, okay, if you don't want me

Really? A whole month?

I want you!

Ohh!

Okay, only one month,

then I got to get back to Tuna Fey.

But I think my birthday month

starts now.

["The Humpty Dance" plays]

My name is Humpty ♪

Pronounced with a "umpty" ♪

Yo, ladies, oh, how I like

to funk thee ♪