01x03 - Quaran-Jean

[bunniefuu]

[Thudding, rattling]

Whoo! It's the big one!

Oh, my God! It's happening!

Yeah, kind of ruins the mood

when you announce it.

No, no! It's the big one!

It's the big one!

Okay. Here, let's get under the doorway.

Okay. Celia, do not panic, okay?!

If we don't make it out of this, I

Oh.

Oh, I think it's over.

Okay.

Ow! Splinter. Ohh. Oh.

[Rumbling, rattling]

3.6?

Maybe 3.7?

[Keyboard clacking]

Nailed it.

♪

Hey, baby. Does my wound

look infected to you?

Uh, what am I looking at?

This little dot?

Is it smaller than a germ?

If it's not smaller than a germ,

than a germ can get in,

and, Celia, if a germ can

get in, then I can die.

- Oh, my God.

- [Door opens]

- Mom's missing!

- [Door closes]

I went to check on her after the

earthquake, and she wasn't home.

I mean, this is her

first L.A. earthquake.

She's probably on a flight back to Iowa.

Or hiding under somebody's porch.

I think it's best for our relationship

if I never know why this syrup

was on your nightstand.

Mom, you found your way

out from under the porch!

- Ow!

- Mom, what are you doing here?

I came to check on Freddie.

Okay, well, I'm not dead, by the way.

And neither is my phone.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I should've called.

You're just so good in a crisis,

I wasn't worried about you.

She re-wrote the tornado protocol

for her elementary school.

They gave her a plaque.

We told her it was even better

than having friends. Ow!

Mom!

Jackie keeps hitting my wound!

Ugh, you're such a baby.

Oh, yeah? Really? You want to

know what that syrup was for?

'Cause it's nothing babies do.

We're having eggs.

♪

Hey, Mom? Does this look okay to you?

Ooh, can't be too careful.

If it's not smaller than a germ,

a germ can get in.

I'm going to get you a Band-Aid

and some Neosporin.

Freddie, what are you doing?

You already asked me about your

hand, and I said it was fine.

[Scoffs] That doesn't count, Celia,

'cause you're not in the club.

[Laughs]

- Mom and I are not a club.

- [Laughs]

You know, it's ironic

that you're the favorite

when you're also the

one that does the least.

It's like you're rewarded

for being selfish.

I'll bet you didn't even check on Mom.

No. This wasn't even that bad

of an earthquake, Jackie.

The one during quarantine was

way worse, and she was fine.

Mom wasn't here during quarantine.

I know.

That's That's what I'm saying.

What are you saying?

- What are you saying?

- What are you saying?

Mom, were you here during quarantine

and you didn't tell me?

- No.

- Are you lying?

Yes.

In my defense, I asked you if

I could come, and you said no.

So did the CDC!

I said no because you're old

and I wanted to save your life.

Freddie didn't even care if

something happened to you!

It was right at the beginning.

Nobody knew anything.

People were putting Amazon boxes

in the oven. It was madness.

Yeah, I showered with my groceries.

Plus, I had no idea how long

we were going to be inside,

and I wanted to see my kids.

And you made such a stink about

how mad you'd be if I showed up,

it just seemed easier

not to say anything.

So, what did you guys do?

Just sit around and talk about me?

No, we didn't talk about you at all.

Of course not, because Mom

was already with her favorite.

I don't have a favorite.

And we did talk about her, remember?

I said the lady in the

antidepressant commercial

reminded me of Jackie.

Wow. What a win.

No, no, only after she

started taking the pills

and she was learning to tango.

Okay, uh

I am so sick of being the third

wheel in my own family.

If you ever remember my

phone number, don't call me.

♪

You're in Danny's house?

This is a chance for you to

find out if you should date him.

Now go check his nightstand

drawers for anything freaky.

Sharon, stop it!

And keep your voice down.

He's right outside with

the building inspector,

checking for earthquake damage.

Oh. There's someone here.

You're the lady who lives in the back.

Yes. Jean.

And you're Cheryl, right?

- Mm-hmm.

- Uh, the ex-wife.

[Gasps] Ooh! The ex-wife!

- Not ex yet.

- Right.

Uh, Danny said I could wait in

here until the inspector's done.

Oh.

She does look like a

mean Natalie Portman.

Cheryl.

Is that Danny? Turn me

around, turn me around!

This is like "The Crown"

with poor people.

- What are you doing here?

- I'm still co-owner of this house.

I came to see if there were any damages.

I'm handling it, Cheryl.

I've got an inspector out there.

I'll send you the report.

Think I'd rather talk

to the inspector myself.

Oh, why? 'Cause I can't be trusted?

Yeah, and now you're all caught up.

Hey, let's all talk to the inspector

and get out of here.

Oh, bring me with you!

Ooh, vaulted ceilings.

Danny, you got a light bulb out!

So

- What are we looking at?

- What are we looking at?

Some damaged cabinets, floorboards.

Uh, a couple pictures

came off the walls.

I see you have a son. Good-looking kid.

I actually have two children,

a son and a daughter.

Really? Just saw pictures of the one.

That's just because my daughter

never wanted to be in pictures.

I always asked.

- I love them equally.

- I'm not that invested.

You're going to have to

do some retrofitting,

and that's going to have to be done

before she can move back in.

DANNY: Oh, come on.

Jean, I'm really sorry about this.

If you like, you could stay

in my daughter's bedroom.

- Our daughter's bedroom.

- Yeah.

No, this is perfect.

I'll stay with Jackie.

W-We're having kind of a thing.

Oh, what kind of thing?

Mother-daughter thing?

Ex-boyfriend thing?

Boss boyfriend thing?

- Bad job thing?

- You know Jackie.

She's got a lot of things right now.

But this one's a mother-daughter thing.

I'm sorry. Well, you'll figure it out.

- I mean, you're such a good mum.

- Oh.

Well, good luck with everything.

♪

Mom, what are you doing here?

Surprise girls' night!

And then a couple other nights.

The earthquake damaged

Danny's guesthouse,

so I'm going to stay here

until it's all fixed.

Do you just not have my phone number?

The earlier one was a misstep.

This is a surprise!

I could have stayed with Freddie,

but I chose you, Jackie.

I chose you.

Really? It had nothing

to do with the fact

that you knew Lane was out of town

and I have an empty bedroom

with a pillow-top mattress?

Honey, I didn't know

Lane was out of town.

I'm here to be with you.

I chose you.

Okay, well I have like a thousand

things to do for work,

so

- Why is everything so wrong?

- Oh, I just moved a couple things.

I got a book about creating better flow.

It's good. I got it at

that nice 7-Eleven.

[Gasps]

Mom, what are you doing here?

I heard what you said this morning

about things not being equal.

I'm here to make things equal.

I thought we could watch movies

- and paint toes

- Okay, Mom,

I love you, but I think our problem

is a little more complicated

than a movie night and pedicures.

But that's just the beginning.

I've got a whole night of

girl-on-girl action planned.

Again, that does not mean

what you think it means.

♪

[Grunts] Great.

My hand is so swollen,

I can't even play video games,

which means I can't work.

Celia, I think a germ got in.

Okay. Okay, let me see.

- Mm. It does look a little red.

- Ooh.

Yeah? Okay. My mom will know what to do.

Freddie, your mom?

Okay, what did I say when we first met?

You were excited 'cause you

thought I was Rachel Maddow.

After that. Remember?

I spent our entire first date

talking about how I wanted

a real relationship.

Yeah. No, I-I-I wanted that, too.

And you are in a real relationship.

With your mother.

Seriously, how are we ever

going to be partners

if you don't even trust me to

handle even the basic stuff?

Okay. Okay. Just tell me what to do.

Really?

Okay. Um

Ooh, I have this pain-reliever salve

with willow bark extract.

It's, like, for real the best.

My bark guy gave it to me,

and he's like the top

bark guy in all of L.A.,

so trust.

Sure don't want that

second-best bark guy.

Call Mother.

♪

[Cellphone rings]

Oh. It's your brother calling.

And I'm not going to pick it up.

It's our time.

So, what should we do?

I'm already doing something.

I'm working.

Back in my day, if you were

sleeping with the boss,

you could take off as much

time as you wanted.

Okay, Mom, I'm happy

to let you crash here,

but this Freddie thing has been

going on our whole lives,

and you're not going

to fix it in one night.

Please, honey, let's just do

one thing that I had planned,

and then you can get

back to work, I promise.

How about this?

I'll paint your toes while you work.

Okay.

- Mom! Stop! That tickles!

- [Laughs]

- Mom!

- Aha! There's a giggle!

[Chuckles]

- Oh! Oh!

- [Gasps] Mom!

Oh, gosh! I'm sorry! I'll clean it up!

Let's reset with a hug.

I don't want a hug!

You've never been comfortable

with affection.

Even as a baby, you

had trouble latching.

Ugh! Good night!

I'm trying to be close to you!

You can't complain about

not getting something

and then run away as

soon as it's offered.

Now hug your mother!

I don't want to!

- [Thud]

- Ohh! Ohh!

- Oh, God. Oh.

- Oh, my God! My toe!

- Oh, I'm so sorry!

- Ah! Ah!

- Oh, gosh!

- Ow! I think it's broken!

Oh, let me get you some new pants,

and I'll drive you to Urgent Care.

You broke my toe and

you're critiquing my outfit?

No, I'm not. It's just

you sat right in the nail polish.

Don't worry, honey. I shine in a crisis.

I was there when you broke

your arm, sprained your ankle,

when you fell down the

stairs in our old house

You were there for all of those.

Do you have Munchausen by proxy?

I think I saw a movie about

you with Patricia Arquette.

Oh, I love her.

Excuse me, my daughter injured

her toe, and she needs help.

- Have her fill out these forms.

- What?

We don't have time. This is urgent.

Yes. This is Urgent Care.

Oh, please.

She thinks I love her

brother more than her,

so I broke into her house

to force my love on her,

but I forced so hard,

I think I broke her toe.

Ma'am, there's no wait.

You'd be back there by now

if you just filled out this form.

I'll fill out the forms.

You know, that's the

problem with this country.

Medical bureaucracy putting

paperwork over people.

My daughter's in pain,

- and we don't have time for this

- I'm done.

I'll take you back. You can

have one person with you.

I'll go with her.

Mm, no, thank you.

♪

What's going on? Who's this guy?

He's my handyman.

I told you I was gonna

do the work myself.

And then I laughed and called Chad.

I don't need any help, thanks.

I know what I'm doing.

Manual saw, huh? Eh, I get it.

- Lot of guys are scared of the power.

- [Saw blade whirs]

[Grunts]

Ooh, boy. [Grunts]

The, uh, bottom layer

wicks the moisture, so

So, uh, do you do a lot of repair work?

Well, I'm a therapist, so,

uh, mainly repair psyches,

relationships, self-image.

Kind of an architect of the soul.

- [Clicks tongue]

- [Laughs]

Dude, I am way not

brainy enough for that.

[Both laugh]

That's probably why my thing with Cheryl

will never be anything

more than physical.

Ah

So, Chad seems great.

- Mm.

- He's your new boyfriend?

Calm down. It's just sex.

It's not like I think he's a great dad.

Yeah, that's 'cause he probably

still lives with his dad.

Oh, how embarrassing for you

that you're so easily threatened.

Ha, ha, ha.

You know, just to show you

how non-threatened I am,

I'm going to make

conversation with the guy.

Chad, is it? Chad? Makes sense.

So, uh Chad the handyman.

Bet all the, uh the hammering

and the wood and stuff,

bet that really helps for

what you got going on there.

- [Both chuckle]

- Oh, thanks.

Yeah, I still make time for a workout.

Oh, yeah? What's that look like?

It's nothing crazy.

I wake up around 4:00,

run through my Gladiator workout,

down an Afterburn breakfast shake,

do a 7-mile trail scramble

Wow, good for you. That sounds great.

Some people might think

that that much exercise

masks a deeper insecurity.

- They do?

- CHERYL: What are you doing?

- What are you saying to him?

- Nothing. We're just bonding.

- Right, Chad?

- [Chuckles] I don't know.

[Chuckles]

I mean, it's it's just

my opinion, but, uh

I'd say dating an older woman

is probably making up

for the emotional closeness

you lacked with your mother.

Dad always wanted you to

be a tough guy like him.

I mean, that must have been lonely.

Until the day you discovered

that chocolate can replace love.

Then all of a sudden,

you're being raised

by Mr. Goodbar and Lady Godiva.

Why are you still talking to him?

But the, uh the chubby kid

doesn't exactly disappear

with the weight, now, does he, Chad?

[Voice breaking] They used

to call me Chaddy the Fatty.

Hey, hey. Kids can be cruel.

No, my parents!

[Imitates g*nshots, blows]

- [Nail g*n fires]

- Aah!

[Gasps] Why?!

What have you done?

♪

Um I need a doctor!

I parked behind an ambulance,

so if anybody needs to get out

- Freddie!

- Mom!

- W-Why didn't you call me back?

- I was bonding with your sister.

- You called your mom?

- What happened to your hand?

Celia gave me something for my wound,

and now I can't close my hand.

I just gave him a little willow bark.

- It's nature's aspirin.

- He's allergic to aspirin.

Yes, I'm aware of that now.

My son is in pain!

- Fix his hand!

- Ma'am!

The louder you get,

the less I want to help you.

[Softly] Fix his hand.

I'll get you set up in an exam room.

I have some forms for you.

One of them can come back

with you. Choose wisely.

Um

I mean, Mom knows my medical history,

so she she should probably come.

[Sighs, scoffs]

Mom?

Celia?

Freddie's having an

allergic reaction to bark.

And my mom went to go get me

a teddy bear from the gift shop?

No, she went back there

to take care of Freddie.

And probably see if they

can reattach the cord.

You've gotta be frickin' kidding me!

I'm so triggered right now.

My mom broke my toe.

Oh, really? She must feel terrible.

She must be sitting in the waiting room

wondering how she can make it up to you.

Oh, wait. No, she's not.

Are you still talking to me?

I just can't believe it.

I tell her how I feel,

and then she ditches me for Freddie.

Yeah, well, he's a jerk, too.

You were right.

They totally have a little

club. But you know what?

We should just let them

have their stupid club

and we could have our own club.

Except our club will have cuter clothes,

except for your big shoe and

whatever those pants are.

And we'll exclude them and

we won't ask their advice

and we'll get you a new top.

And hey, we could be each

other's emergency contacts.

I've never had an emergency contact.

But I'm 15 other people's.

Wow. That kind of bums me out.

Is this gonna be a sad club?

The club that I started 'cause

my mom doesn't love me?

- Probably.

- [Sighs]

Wanna go get a drink?

Mm. Actually, I'm on painkillers.

Ooh, perfect. Pop another one,

I'll grab some vodka, and

we'll meet in a happy place.

- Danny?

- Jackie? Is everything okay?

- My mom broke my toe.

- I poisoned Freddie.

I shot Cheryl's boyfriend.

Not my boyfriend. Just sex.

I think I'm blacking out.

♪

[Sighs] Well

this divorce seems to be going

- about as well as our marriage.

- Mm.

[Sighs]

You know, I didn't sh**t Chad on

purpose. You know that, right?

But you did make him cry on purpose.

Yes, that was on purpose,

'cause I felt like he was

there to t*rture me.

Oh, he was.

Kind of like your relationship

with the renter tortures me.

I'm not sleeping with Jean.

I know.

But you are falling for her.

No, I'm [Stammers]

S-She's just a friend.

Oh, come on, Danny.

Our marriage might be over,

but I still know that look.

♪

- [Sighs]

- [Door opens]

Jackie, I can't believe

you just left me there.

Celia, I came out and you were gone.

Well, now you know what it's like

to have someone not be there for you.

Sisterhood of the Emergency Contacts.

[Glasses clink]

Are you drunk?

Why don't you check with your mummy?

Hey.

Baby, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I was just freaked

out about my hand.

I really didn't like being

back there without you.

I want you to be my emergency contact.

Oh. Wow.

Sorry. I promised Jackie.

That's okay, Celia.

No offense, but if it

was a real emergency,

you would be one of the

last people I would call.

That's offensive.

- Unless it was a hair emergency.

- Aw, Jackie.

They gave me an ointment at Urgent Care.

You wanna help put it on me?

It has to go on my moist areas.

[Giggles] I would love that.

Marry her.

- [Smooches]

- [Giggles]

[Door opens]

[Door closes]

Well, guess I'll just go to a hotel.

When your kids don't love

you, Marriott Bonvoy does.

- You went back with Freddie.

- What?

You went back to the exam room

with Freddie and not me.

You visited Freddie during

quarantine and not me.

It's always Freddie and not me.

Jackie, I'm running out of ways

to tell you that's not true.

You literally flew to L.A.

when you hadn't heard

from him for like a minute.

It was four days.

And I would've come to L.A.

if I hadn't heard from you.

Yeah, but you'll never not hear from me,

because I show up.

And then when I need you,

you're with Freddie.

Well, how would I know you need me?

You never tell me anything.

You never ask for my help.

The bottom line is, I take care of you,

you take care of Freddie,

and nobody takes care of me.

I asked you if you wanted

me to come back with you

at the Urgent Care, and you said no.

I didn't mean it!

Well, how was I supposed to know

you didn't mean what you meant?

You're really just never gonna get it.

Then help me.

When you said don't come

- during quarantine

- That meant don't come.

Because I was worried about your health.

And when you said don't come

back at the Urgent Care?

I wanted you to come and hold my hand

because I was worried about my health.

Don't you see how that's confusing?

It's not that hard!

I just want to ask you for something

and have you do it,

unless I don't want you to,

in which case ignore me,

but make it so I don't feel ignored.

Now you're just screwing with me.

Oh.

Why can't you be like your brother?

Are you really saying that to me?

I just mean he's easy.

"Mom, fix me a snack.

Mom, I'm tired.

Mom, tickle my forearm

while we watch 'Star Wars'

for the 1,000th time."

Maybe I have focused on Freddie more,

but that's because you always

had your life together.

Not needing me

tends to make me feel not needed.

Well, my life is very much

not together right now.

I know, Jackie. I know.

I may have come to L.A.

because of Freddie,

but I stayed because of you.

And I'll try to get better

at listening for your cues,

but seriously, you got to

make them more obvious.

Ring a bell or something.

Okay.

[Sniffles]

[Sighs]

You wanna watch a movie?

- That would be great.

- [Laughs, sniffles]

[Sighs]

[Music playing on television]

Want me to fix you a snack?

I'm okay. [Chuckles]

Ding ding ding ding ding.

- [Laughs]

- Got it. Snack time.

♪

SHARON: I've been calling

you all afternoon.

- Where have you been?

- Well, you wouldn't believe it.

I had to take Jackie to the hospital.

- Is she dead?

- No!

Then who cares?

Tell me what happened with Danny

and mean Natalie Portman.

Oh, it's nothing.

It's just a little uncomfortable

when she's around.

Of course it is. You're crazy for him.

You need to stop saying

that. He's just a friend.

Jeanie, I've been your

friend since high school.

You've never looked at me like that.

[Scoffs]

I'm still here.

And you're still crazy for him.

Wow! Everybody's got nice

ceilings in California.