02x08 - Men Rock!/Secret Horse

[bunniefuu]

This next song

is about all the ways

men rock!

♪♪

You let me

handle the chores ♪

Your ponytail

looks like Thor's ♪

You're not held back

by emotion ♪

You deserve a promotion ♪

Men rock! ♪

Men rock! ♪

Love how you mansplain

when I try to talk ♪

[ Cheering ]

You got so much style ♪

When you tell us

we need to smile ♪

Or that we shouldn't

drive or vote ♪

Because we don't

have a scrote! ♪

When we say "men,"

you say "rock"!

Men!

Bridgette,

you're so hot!

[ Sighs ]

At least we have Ron.

♪♪

♪♪♪

[ Groans ]

That was so embarrassing.

C'mon,

we had four people there!

Last month was two.

Our fanbase doubled.

I'm just saying, maybe there's

something more worthwhile

we could do the third Wednesday

of every month.

Do you not believe

in us anymore?

I don't think we're ever

going to be successful.

[ Gasps ]

Guys, you're never gonna believe

what I saw online!

Wait.

We'repopular?

I can't read

any of the comments.

back by emotion ♪

You deserve a promotion ♪

[ Cromanian accent ]

Emily and Bridgette!

I'm Mirek.

Minister of arts for

splendid nation of Cromania.

And huuuge big fan

of your bops!

Every song so good!

Is my pleasure to invite

amazing music stars

to visit our country.

You will fly on private jet,

is so sick,

and perform for brave,

strong President Agoustan!

Anyway, hit me ups!

[ Squeals ]

This is so cool!

Don't you think

this seems sketchy?

A stranger from the Internet

offering to fly us

Somewhere On a private jet?

I get five of those

in my DMs every day.

C'mon, Emily.

This is our shot.

Please, please,

please, please.

Fine. But if we get m*rder*d,

I'm quitting the band.

♪♪

[ Cheering ]

Are they

fans of this plane?

They're here for you!

Crowd: Em-i-ly!

Bri-duh-jit!

Em-i-ly!

Bri-duh-jit!

Ahhh.

This feels right.

Bridgette and Emily.

It's me, Mirek!

From Cool Video?

Kiss on cheek, kiss on cheek,

best friends.

Welcome to Cromania.

Very fun, very safe.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

Don't worry,

they're loaded.

Come, we have

full schedule of events.

Then you meet

President Agoustan.

Wonderful man, perfect p*nis,

let's ride in sweet limo!

-Ooooh.

-Aaah.

-Wow.

-Okaaaay.

Welcome to Presidential

Palace.

Sooo many tax dollars.

You sleep here in finest suite,

no one even watch.

Sketchy.

No, he said

they don't watch.

[ Groans ]

Is there a bathroom in here?

Beautiful bathrooms,

no one watching.

But way on other side

of palace.

You make later.

-I gotta make now.

-You guys go.

I'll hang back with Candice

and we'll catch up.

We go now.

Have a good sh*t!

♪♪

Do you really

need to pee?

Or are you just anxious

about mom becoming a celebrity

because it makes you feel

like less of a man?

What?

[ Guitars playing ]

So you were in a public

bathroom without any shoes ♪

Then you played basketball

against green kangaroos ♪

You showed up late

for class ♪

You couldn't

find your nose ♪

You had a chat

with Jose Canseco ♪

About UFOs ♪

Don't tell me

about your stupid dreams ♪

Don't tell me

about your stupid dreams ♪

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you so much.

What an honor

to meet beautiful Emily!

Oh!

Thank you!

And Bridgette,

the funny one.

Wait, what?

I'm the hot one.

Ha ha!

Classic Bridgette!

What is happening?

Emily, you are such role model

for women of Cromania.

Right, Svetmoosha?

Permission to agree?

Oh, my gosh.

You guys are such sweeties.

Okay, Em, you were right,

this is sketchy.

It's fine.

They love us, they get us,

they're giving us fish.

[ Shudders ]

Thank you?

No, to sign. [ Laughs ]

Come on, Bridgette.

It's her first fish.

I mean, obviously

we want mom to succeed,

but it's normal if her success

makes you feel inadequate.

Dad!

Bathroom!

I'm at defcon pee.

You're right.

Let's focus

on what's important,

not on the idea

that we'll lose her forever.

[ Gasps ]

Okay, they'll know

where the bathroom is.

♪♪

[ Chuckles ]

This looks promising.

Almost time

for big concert.

I am legit freaking out!

But first we go

to Croval office

to meet indestructible

leader Agoustan,

powerful hairline,

breath like Jasmine.

Emily, I have a very bad

feeling about this country.

Something's going on here.

Yeah.

Something is going on here --

you're jealous.

You can't handle that

I'm the hot one.

That is absolutely

part of it!

But not all of it.

[ Gasps ]

♪♪

Absolute Unit Agoustan,

it is my pleasure to present

Emily and Bridgette.

Ah, welcome to

my glorious homeland.

Oh. Okay, okay.

[ Sniffs deeply ]

[ Both grunting ]

Entire nation awaits

your performance.

We broadcast live

on every channel.

All two!

Your music so inspirational.

See, Bridgette?

We're inspirational.

Mirek will project patriotic

slideshow behind performance.

♪♪

You let me handle

the chores ♪

Your ponytail

looks like Thor's ♪

[ Laughs ]

If Emily's

like Katy Perry,

then I guess

I'm like Orlando bloom.

Oh, yes, yes, yes!

Candice, wait!

[ Moans ]

[ Screams ]

Oh, were you guys

in line?

Or that we shouldn't

drive or vote ♪

Because we don't have

a scrote ♪

We base whole society

on your music.

Your song "Stupid Dreams"

teach population

to stop dreaming

of better life.

Sketchy yet?

We are way beyond sketchy.

And what's going on here?

Emily is most perfect

role model.

She has child,

dresses conservatively,

and hides hair

under modest wig.

[ Gasps ]

Em, did you hear that?

About the wig?

How your hair looks fake?

Okay,

we should get out of here.

Showtime!

Ready to impose your catchy bops

on subservient masses?

Ooooh, so sorry, but I think

we gotta postpone.

I'm feeling

a little [coughs] raspy?

And I've got diarrhea!

That sounds serious.

But show must go on.

[ g*ns c*ck ]

Do you really

have diarrhea?

Because I have something

for it in my bag.

[ Cheers and applause ]

We can't do this.

If we perform, we'll reinforce

their evil system.

I'm sorry I got carried away

by the fame and hotness

and didn't notice

the oppression and misogyny.

People of Cromania, and women!

Amazing music stars

Emily and Bridgette

will perform national anthem,

"Men Rock"!

[ Cheers and applause ]

You let me handle

the chores ♪

Your ponytail

looks like Thor's ♪

[ Sighs ]

We can't keep singing this.

♪♪

Then let's sing

something else.

But here's the real message

that we have for you ♪

Women can do anything

that men can do ♪

[ Groans ]

Don't be silent ♪

Use your voice ♪

You can stay at home ♪

But it should be

your choice ♪

Women rock! ♪

They're so awesome! ♪

Girls who code! ♪

Beyoncé! Blossom! ♪

Women rock! ♪

When we say "women,"

you say "rock"! ♪

Women! ♪

Rock! ♪

Women! ♪

Seize them!

♪♪

Emily!

We gotta get out of here!

This country hates women!

We noticed.

[ g*ns c*ck ]

♪♪

We found these women

in an underground jail.

They were arrested

for not laughing

at their

husbands's jokes!

♪♪

[ Both gasps, g*ns c*ck ]

Mirek, don't!

[ g*nsh*t ]

Guys, your new song!

Incredible.

Women doing men things?

Having choices?

I had no idea.

Come,

I fly you out of country.

Thank you, Mirek.

There's that smile!

You should smile more,

it's so pretty.

You were so close.

So we made it to the plane ♪

And escaped

the Cromanian leader ♪

All the women

are now in charge ♪

But they're not

that great either ♪

They m*rder*d all the men ♪

We think they overdid it ♪

But after all

they went through ♪

I guess we kinda get it ♪

[ Light applause ]

Bridgette,

you're still hot!

In my country,

Bridgette is a 3.

Narrator: Well, looks like them

ol' Santa Ana winds

are blowin' once again.

Ahhhhh!

They sure do bluster.

♪♪

But sometimes,

when troubles got ya down,

them winds can stir up

exactly what you need.

Now, maybe you didn't

grow up a horse girl.

But I did.

And it taught me something.

Not something you'd learn

at a four year college.

It's more of a life lesson

type deal.

If you got troubles

ain't nothing can fix 'em

like a horse.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Anybody want to play

with me?

Sorry, sweetie.

I'm late for an install.

Finishing this work thing,

just give me two quick hours!

[ Groans ]

[ Horse whinnies ]

[ Horse blows ]

♪♪

[ Vacuums ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

[ Thud ]

Now in the county

of Los Angeles,

it's ill*gal to keep a secret

horse in a rental property.

So Candice did what

any horse girl would do.

She hid that dang pony

in the garage.

[ Engine starts, bangs ]

Aah!

[ Horn honks, cellphone chimes ]

Oh no, me late!

Ah!

[ Horse blows ]

[ Screams ]

Horsejacker!

Take my wallet.

Maybe me not late.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Horse whinnies ]

♪♪

[ Game playing ]

[ Lock clicks,

doorknob rattles ]

We gotta hide you.

Well, that's enough of

being alone in this room!

Uh, okay

[ Chuckles ]

Ugh,

is everyone in Dubai?

[ Sighs ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Horse whinnies ]

Couch horse!

Ooh, pics or it didn't happen!

Hashtag do it

for the gram.

What are you doing?

[ Horse snorts ]

No.

No, you're right.

Why can't I just be

in the [echoing] moment?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Eagle cries ]

♪♪

Thank you for helping me

find inner peace.

Ugh. I've had these elbow

patches since undergrad.

I look like a schmuck.

Quick, hide!

Aagh!

I love your hair.

Ohmigosh.

You're so soft.

Are you kidding me?!

30 bucks?

I can't afford that!

[ Groans ]

What is this,

tenured professor magazine?

[ Gasps ]

Tree horse!

Waaaaaait a minute.

I need cash,

you're a horse.

Are you thinkin'

what I'm thinkin'?

[ Trumpet plays,

horse whinnies ]

Okay, what about

Tupelo Genie?

[ Horse snorts ]

Got it.

A drinker.

And Salt Bray?

[ Horse growls ]

What about

My Cousin Whinny?

[ Horse grunts ]

He's got unexamined

childhood trauma

from witnessing the death

of his father?

Hard pass.

Oooh, what about Extremely Loud

and Incredibly Horse?

[ Horse grunts ]

That's the one!

Okay, here goes next

month's rent.

[ Bell ringing ]

[ Horses whinnying ]

♪♪

Yes!

Yes, yes, yes!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, we're rich!

We're rich, you dumb horse!

♪♪

Say, mister, lookin' sharp.

Mind if I take a picture

of you and your filly?

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Tomorrow I'm thinking it's

between Call Me By Your Mane

and Won't You Me

by Neigh-bor.

Huh

Whoaaa!

We've got to hide you!

[ Grunts ]

[ Humming ]

Oh. gaw!

I'll never wow 'em down

at the rink.

When it comes to roller skating,

I'm a basic b*tch.

[ Horse blows ]

Or am I?

♪♪

[ Stammering ]

Yeah.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Laughing ]

♪♪

[ Slow motion music ]

♪♪

[ Cheering ]

They're cheering for you,

too.

Double IPA?

Straight-edge?

That's cool.

-[ Groans ]

-Quick, under here.

♪♪

I miss you every day,

Sergeant Spurs.

♪♪

[ Horse whinnies ]

You're no barbecue grill.

♪♪

[ Gasps ]

[ Horse snorts ]

It can't be

♪♪

[ Horse grunts ]

♪♪

Let's go!

Power slide!

Whoa!

♪♪

[ Smooches ]

Thank you

for one last day.

Ooh.

[ Door opens ]

Hey, Mr. Salt.

Mr. Salt: Emily!

I need you to write my speech

for the lettuce convention.

Can you come up

with some jokes?

I will "endive" right in.

That's amazing!

Haha endive

Ugh, I'm never

gonna get a break.

[ Groans ]

[ Horse blows ]

[ Gasps ]

Hi, is this Animal Control?

Yeah, I got a friggin' horse

in my backyard

and I do not need

this today.

Yes, he's chubby, Brown,

big beautiful eyes

He's obviously an angel.

I love him.

You know what?

I'll call you back.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

[ Grunts ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Inhales, exhales deeply ]

♪♪

♪♪

Ahhhhhh!

♪♪

Thanks for reminding me

to take time for myself.

[ Screams ]

-Mom?

-Candice!

-You found my secret horse?

Hey, what are you guys doing

with my secret horse?

Your secret horse?

He loves me.

[ Chuckles ] Uh, no, what he

loves is installing TVs with me.

Can somebody hand me

some clothes?

Emily, get away

from my best friend!

That's my therapeutic

companion!

What's it gonna be, horse?

Who do you love?

You've gotta choose.

♪♪

[ Horse whinnies ]

[ All scream ]

Where is he going?

Maybe he wants to go back

to his home.

Come back, Pickles!

You call him Pickles?

Well he's definitely

not a "Liam".

-Train!

-That's an even worse name!

[ Horn blaring ]

No, train!

[ All scream ]

No train, no gain.

[ Engine revving ]

♪♪

♪♪

Narrator: Though their time

with him was brief.

Pickles had changed

all their lives.

Forever.

♪♪

Or had he?

Wait,

did we all imagine him?

Even if Pickles wasn't real,

we all have a little horse

inside of us.

Oh, no, wait.

He's real everybody.

Narrator:

Well, of course he was real.

If you thought Pickles

was just a metaphor,

well, you're dumber

than some kind of as*h*le.

Happy trails, cow pokes!

♪♪