02x06 - Time Hooch/World's Greatest Teacher

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

[ Alex, Bridgette grunting ]

Why'd you put our box of stuff

so high up?

What photo could possibly

be worth this?

It's the one they took on

the Legoland roller coaster

where I'm rocking

amazing bangs.

I have to post it

for Throwback Thursday.

[ Grunts ]

[ Gasps ] Oh,

the Brewins bar.

Yeah, from the night

we first met.

I thought

you were so hot.

When you said hi,

I saw fireworks.

Uh, let's reminisce

a little faster!

What the hell?!

Our divorce papers?!

You said you signed these

over a year ago!

[ Grunts ] I must have

gotten distracted!

You know we're in

a golden age of TV.

So we're still married?

You need to let go

and sign these!

[ Both grunting ]

Aah!

[ Slow motion ] No!

No!

[ Groans ]

♪♪

♪♪

I can't believe you never signed

your divorce papers.

It's got these cool stickers

that tell you where to do it

and everything!

I always had this hope that

I could fix the relationship.

I guess it's time to destroy

that hope with alcohol.

Dude, is that that moonshine

we made in college?

Yeah, I just found it

in the garage.

Plus the blues record

we got the recipe from.

If drowning your sorrows

is what you seek ♪

Got a hooch so strong,

it'll knock ya into next week ♪

I could trace it back

to one day, Josh.

One night I made myself

this sando.

Stepped away

for one second.

When I came back, Bridgette

had scarfed the whole thing.

We got in a huge fight,

and I said I wish we never met.

The next day, she asked me

for a divorce.

If I could just go back

and stop that fight

Think of a memory

and take a shot ♪

To the sandwich!

Well, that's the era, baby,

you'll be brought ♪

You know what?

Tastes pretty good.

[ Both screaming ]

[ Both grunt ]

Aah! What the hell

just happened?!

Hey, does your room

seem different?

July 21, 1969?

[ Gasps ] My God.

We've traveled through time

to three years ago, when I got

into collecting '60s stuff!

Wait, "Time Hooch."

The whiskey did this.

"Think of a memory

and take a shot.

That's the era

you'll be brought."

So the whiskey recipe

is actually a recipe

for time travel!

"Rye, barley,

a dead man's pocket watch

mixed at the crossroads

under a full moon."

Okay, yeah, we should

have seen this coming.

Whoa! Remember when we used

to keep the couch over there?

So trippy.

Hide!

Holy crap.

Slightly younger us's.

[ Snickers ]

Look how dumb we looked.

See you guys later. I'm gonna go

see the new Kevin Spacey movie.

Nice!

That guy can do no wrong.

[ Both inhale sharply ]

I'm gonna go make myself

a big old I-talian sando.

This is the day

of the big sando fight!

If I can prevent that

from happening,

I can save

my marriage.

Okay,

when I leave the room,

Bridgette comes in

and eats my sando.

That's when

the argument starts.

Then let's hide the sandwich

so she doesn't see it,

then put it back.

[ Gasps ]

Dude!

You made it super oily.

How else do you

lock in the flavor?

[ Both grunting ]

Aah!

Hide!

Uh, Bridge,

where's my sando?

Bridgette: What are you

talking about?

My sandwich!

It's gone!

Alex, I didn't

touch your sandwich!

Oh, so I suppose it just

flew out the window!

Look, I don't know

what's up with you,

but you're being a jerk.

-Oh, I'm being a jerk?!

-Ugh!

-Okay, well, guess what!

I wish we never --

-Ooh!

-What the hell?!

Shh!

I'm you from the future.

Yeah, right. Here's a question

only I would know.

What year were you born?

Holy sh*t!

You really are me.

Hey, you've been

keeping it tight.

Alex,

I hate to say this,

but you gotta let

this sando thing go.

This fight leads to

the destruction of our marriage.

Really? But we've been off

the rails for a while now.

Remember that argument we had

at Candice's birthday party?

Oh, yeah. That's when things

really got tense.

You know what?

We got to go back there.

Why didn't we just go back there

in the first place?

We had a lot of fights,

okay?

Hey, you wanna

come with us?

[ Footsteps approaching ]

Bridgette's coming!

We gotta drink!

♪♪

[ All screaming ]

[ All grunt ]

Blow 'em out, Candice.

Oof. I could not deal

with monsters like these.

Yeah, the whole parenting thing

would not be a good look for us.

Oh, so you think

I'd be a bad father?

What? No.

You just said that.

But you're not exactly

disagreeing with it!

Ugh, I can't

deal with you.

Oh, you can't

deal with me?

Well, actually --

What the hell?!

Shh! Shh!

We're you from the future.

What? No way.

When were you born?

Both: 1982.

Ha ha! Oh, you are me!

Wow, you both look fit.

Listen, the fight

you were about to have

leads directly

to our divorce.

Are you sure about that?

I mean, this fight is really

just a continuation

of the one from

Bridgette's aunt's funeral.

I said her dead aunt

looked like Michael Shannon.

I mean,

I wasn't wrong.

Up top!

[ Grunts ]

You just forget

these precious moments.

Josh, stop

living in the past!

We have to travel back

to three weeks ago.

You shredded

the space-time continuum ♪

Now what you gonna do? ♪

Now, take a drink ♪

And meet the past ♪

But watch your step,

or you'll ♪

Unleash an endless series

of consequences ♪

That may prove to be worse

than the original problem ♪

You were hoping to solve ♪

You know what I mean? ♪

I mean, it's right there

in your face, man ♪

Dum, dum-dum dum-dum ♪

Dum, dum-dum ♪

Before you take it,

stop and think ♪

Is changing history

worth a drink? ♪

That's right,

you better think about it ♪

You better put that

drink aside for now ♪

Man, how many fights

did you and Bridgette have?

More than I remembered.

Wait, this is where I meet her

for the first time.

But we didn't fight that night.

-Don't you see?

Stopping all these fights

doesn't change anything.

We're still gonna lose our job,

get divorced, live in a closet.

We live in a closet?

Wow, sucks to be me.

The only way to fix our lives

once and for all

[ Gasps ]

is to stop me

from meeting Bridgette.

So if I never meet Bridgette,

she'll never end up

in my class at UCLA,

I'll never get fired

for dating a student,

and I won't end up a broke,

divorced loser

living in a closet.

I'll get my life back.

We'll get

all of our lives back.

Uh, they're twins.

There she is.

[ Gasps ]

♪♪

There!

Hunk -- dead ahead.

We've got to stop him

from seeing Bridgette.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

We can't.

All I wanted was to fix

our relationship, not erase it.

What the hell are you

talking about?!

This is our chance

to have a normal life.

But that's a life

without Bridgette.

Look, I'm the oldest Alex here

and, therefore, the wisest.

And I can see now that however

crappy my life turned out,

it's not because of her.

It's

It's because of me.

And me and me

and definitely me.

No way, hot stuff.

We're doing this.

Yeah, sorry handsome.

It's nine against one.

Wait!

You're gonna have to

go through me first.

[ Grunting ]

Come on, Josh!

We can't let them stop me

from meeting Bridgette.

Take that, Alex!

Ow!

Body blow, uppercut,

roundhouse kick!

Oh, no, I don't!

Ow!

♪♪

Alex, I just want you

to know

I got to pee so bad!

Aah!

Hey, barkeep.

You got any craft beers?

Maybe a double IPA?

Hey.

I'm Bridgette.

I'm Alex.

Wow.

Fireworks.

Yes!

♪♪

Josh, look out!

♪♪

[ Both grunt ]

Oh, man, we're way

in the future!

And we're all out

of Time Hooch.

What are we gonna do?

Alert! Alert!

These two humanoids

must be neutered and chipped.

[ Both scream ]

♪♪

Whoa!

-Get in, Dicktaints!

-Dicktaints?

That's how we say "dudes"

in the future.

-Cool.

-Dicktaints.

♪♪

Thanks for the ride!

-Sure.

P.S. -- "Dicktaints"

still means dicktaints.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, man,

they got us so good.

[ Chuckles ]

Dicktaints!

It's time

to let go of the past.

[ Grunts ] Sign.

Sticker there.

Sticker there, too.

Geez, what happened?

Are you okay?

I'm better than okay.

Here.

Oh, you signed?

What changed?

Well, I guess you could say

it wastime.

Okay, a lot of emphasis on

the word "time," but thank you.

♪♪

Well, huh.

What do you, uh --

What do you guys think

we should do now?

I mean, there's

one obvious option.

-So fit.

-Ooh, yeah, the forbidden fruit.

-Mm! So jacked.

-I wanna touch it.

I'm gonna touch it.

♪♪

[ Beeping ]

Insert its DNA

into the embryo.

Congratulations, gentlemen.

We're going to clone

a Neanderthal!

[ Laughs maniacally ]

[ Guitar strums ]

Good morning ♪

Good morning ♪

-How are you?

-Just fine ♪

It's so wonderful

to be with you today ♪

Wow,

am I Mr. Adam Levine?

Because you kids

have the voice.

[ Laughter ]

Good morning, children.

Mr. Campbell,

can I have a moment?

Certainly,

Principal Becket.

I'd like you to meet

River Lake,

our school's

new music teacher.

Well, enchanté!

Bienvenue to chamomile.

Oh! Thank you!

Everyone says

she's the best.

She'll visit your class

every Tuesday and Thursday.

These kids can be a bit shy

with strangers.

But don't worry,

I'll warm them up for you.

[ Slurps ]

-Mm.

What an empowering mug.

Oh, this? It was a gift

from the children.

Attención, class.

I'd like you to meet

our new music teacher.

Her name is Ms. Lake, and --

-Hello, kindergarten!

I'm River Lake.

If you know this one,

let me hear you sing along!

The more we say good morning,

good morning, good morning ♪

The more we say good morning,

the awesomer we'll be ♪

[ Chimes ring ]

With Dashiell and Emma

and Candice and Winnie ♪

She knows our names!

[ Drumming ]

When I say "good,"

you say "morning."

Good!

-Morning!

-Good!

-Morning!

[ Guitar playing ]

Children: Yeah!

Oh, fu-u-u-u-n.

♪♪

♪♪

-Good morning, Mr. Campbell.

-Good morning!

What do you say, Candice?

Are you ready to carpe

that diem?

[ Bicycle bell dings ]

-Mom! That's her! That's her!

So that's the Ms. Lake?

She has us just call her

"River."

Isn't that cool, Emily?

Nope, we don't do that.

She's just been going on and on

about River

these last few days.

Hmm, yeah?

That's neat.

[ Drumming ]

Rhythm is a language,

and you guys are speakin' it!

Tell me somethin', Esme!

What's the good word, Candice?

Uh, yes!

You guys, feel that groove!

Oh, I feel it!

Dr. Jam in da house!

And Dr. Jam says

y'all need to floss!

Gotta floss err'y day!

This feels r*cist.

Come on, class,

keep the beat!

You go, Mr. Campbell!

-Thanks.

Oh, and it's Dr. Jam.

[ Laughs ]

Whoa!

[ Children scream ]

It's all right!

Myrtle is okay!

See guys?

[ All screaming ]

Oh, God, blood.

Mm. [ Clears throat ]

What?

Oh, look, he's awake!

How are you feeling,

Mr. Campbell?

Um, I'm okay.

I just, um

It's 2:30?!

You've been with them

the whole day?

[ Gasps ]

-Oh, I stitched you up.

Don't you worry, we've been

having so much fun together.

River taught us how to read!

[ Chuckles ] Very funny,

Candice.

What?

Even Ethan?

Shh! Yo, I got to find out

if that dude eats the ham.

Okay, class,

that's it for today.

All: Ohh!

Oh, it's all right.

I'll see you again on Thursday.

Aw!

Girl:

We love you, River.

-Oh, God.

-You're pathetic.

-Who said that?

-Over here.

-[ Gasps ]

-Look at you, Campbell.

These kids used to love you.

Now?

You're the world's

greatest nothing!

That's not true!

Th-That's not true?

Oh, cut the sh*t!

This River Lake has made

a fool out of you.

Well, what was I

supposed to do?

She has perfect pitch

and this casual retro-chic style

that just --

-[ Spits ]

-Ow!

Shut up and listen,

you little b*tch!

Do you want to get back

to being everyone's

favorite teacher or not?

-Yes, of course I do!

Then you have to

crush her.

♪♪

Ha.

Yes. Sip of me.

Sip my a*s!

Okay, who's ready

for a musical parade?

All: Me!

All right! I'll give you each

an instrument and --

[ Gasping ]

Oh, my God!

What happened?

The instruments,

they're all broken.

What? Oh, no!

You know what? I bet those

punk fifth-graders did this.

Well, I guess music class

will have to be canceled today.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

The only instrument we need

is right here.

[ Beatboxing ]

[ Vocalizing ]

[ Vocalizing ]

[ All vocalizing ]

[ Vocalizing continues ]

I think we've got a front-runner

for teacher of the year!

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, see you all

next time!

Thank you so much for sharing

your heart songs with me.

[ Sighs ] Was that all you got,

you man-bunned little b*tch?

E-Excuse me?

Busting up

my instruments?

I ought to

rip your d*ck off.

I don't know what

you're talking about.

Oh, please, Campbell.

You think you're

the first teacher

who tried to

Nancy Kerrigan me?

I've got dual

masters degrees

in music

and early childhood education.

I can drum circles around

your Montessori bullshit.

Big talk from someone who

only teaches two days a week.

Oh, I'm gonna

be full-time.

In fact, maybe

I'll take your job.

Youfrickin' --

Crap!

[ School bell rings ]

Um, River, we're hosting

a barbecue tomorrow

in honor

of my losing my first tooth.

Would you like to come

and sing,

since you're the best singer

in the whole world?

Sweetie, I'm sure Ms. Lake

is really busy on the weekends.

Candice, I would love to sing

at your rite of passage.

Yeah-ha-ha!

She said yes!

[ All cheering ]

♪♪

[ Hums ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Bicycle bell rings ]

Unh!

[ Sobbing ]

Ow!

You don't deserve to

drink piss out of me!

You've never been invited

to a kid's house.

Now she's gonna

sing at one.

She -- She's a fake!

A phony!

It's time to strap on your d*ck

and end this!

♪♪

[ Vehicle approaches,

brakes squeal ]

♪♪

Okay.

[ Laughs maniacally ]

Neighbor: Hey! Cut those

brake lines quieter!

I'd like to try that.

So, how do you

know Candice?

What?

Mom, where's River?

She promised

she'd come and sing.

I don't know, sweetie.

But if you want, I could

get my guitar and sing.

Ew. I promised my friends

something cool -- a teacher.

Ding-dong!

[ Chuckles ]

Mr. Campbell? Uh, hi.

What are you --

I was just in the neighborhood

and thought Ms. Lake

might need this

for her big performance.

She didn't come.

Wait, what?

She blew off

your barbecue?

I guess there's some teachers in

this world you just can't trust!

Wait a second. I just happen

to have my karaoke machine.

Candice, how would you like it

if I sang?

-Uh, no tha--

-Yay, this worked out

for everyone!

Children, gather round!

Criss-cross applesauce,

por favor.

♪♪

Grace and greetings.

I'm Mr. Camp--

-River! You came!

-[ Gasps ]

-Hi!

Oh, Candice,

I am so sorry I'm late.

I just came from

the hospital.

-Oh, God, are you okay?

-I'm fine.

I loaned my bike to my neighbor

this morning,

and he got into

a terrible accident.

He's gonna be okay, though.

And even better,

he and his doctor

fell in love!

All: Aw!

Mr. Campbell,

thank you so much

for warming them up.

♪♪

Finish her!

Okay, kids, whoever sings better

gets to stay as your teacher,

and the other has to drive out

to the desert to die.

Bring it.

It's a teacher sing-off!

I believe the children

are our future ♪

No, I do!

Teach them well,

and let them lead the way ♪

Show them all the beauty

they possess inside ♪

G-G-G-G-Give them

a sense of pride ♪

A lonely place to be ♪

And so I learned

to depend on me ♪

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yow ♪

N-N-N-N-N-N-N-No,

no, no, no, no, no ♪

I can't believe this.

Eeeeeeeh ♪

Caw, caw, c-c-caw ♪

Both: Can't take away

my dignity-y-y-y ♪

Yeah!

That was so great!

Maybe we do work

better together.

I'm sorry I tried

to steal your job.

And I'm sorry I tried to k*ll

you by cutting your brakes.

Are you thinking

what I'm thinking?

Only if you're thinking

what I'm thinking.

Let's sing the 1987 hit

"I Knew You Were Waiting"

by Aretha Franklin

and George Michael,

abridged karaoke version!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, yeah ♪

-Ooh, that's my favorite.

-I'd like to try that.

[ Chuckles ] Um, did we just

agree to become best frenemies?

b*tch,

you know we did.

No!

No friends!

Only enemies!

You don't own me!

-[ Panting ]

-Oh, everything okay?

Yeah, I'm just hot

off a psychotic break.

[ Laughs ]

Anyway, did you hear the goss

about Ethan's dad?

Ooh, spill the tea!

Word is he's getting

indicted.

♪♪