02x03 - Joint Break/Cyber Matrix

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

[ Helicopter blades whirring ]

[ Dog barking ]

Whew. Tss, tss!

[ Whistling ]

Ca-caw!

Why am I

bringing up the rear?

No offense,

but it's "cops and robbers",

not, you know,

"retired cops and robbers."

I'm not retired

from this game!

Pffft, okay.

It's raid time!

[ Groans ]

Man down!

[ Sighs ]

Freeze,

El Chupacabra!

Huh?

You're under arrest.

Arrest this!

[ Grunts ]

♪♪

Now we've got a game!

Aah!

♪♪

Stay down,

civilian!

♪♪

Sorry, copper, you're too old

to catch El Chupacabra!

♪♪

With age comes wisdom.

♪♪

Power slide!

Oh, God!

[ Groaning ]

Looks like a hit

and roll.

[ Rock music plays ]

Damn it, Randy!

I'm hurt here!

♪♪

♪♪

Pearle:

Oh, really?

Well, tell me,

Mr. Insurance Man,

how on Earth

is a partial hip replacement

considered

elective surgery?!

No,

you read the fine print

of your medical plan

for more information!

[ Groans ]

After giving the police force

the best years of my life,

all they give me in return

is some aspirin

and a prescription

for water aerobics?!

Those b*stards!

Don't you talk about the LAPD

that way!

But you --

But you just said --

Once a cop,

always a cop, Randy.

Why not give the water aerobics

a try?

They say it's not just

for old people.

♪♪

I'm too young

for this sh*t.

Tony:

And four and one and two

and three and four

and one and two and three

♪♪

♪♪

Wow!

Great class, everybody.

Next week, we'll work on lunges.

Why don't you come over here

and lunge into me, Tony!

[ Laughter ]

Oh, you're naughty,

Barb!

[ Laughs ]

Saw you

struggling earlier.

Don't worry,

new kid.

First time

is the worst time.

Just like sex

and cataract surgery.

[ Laughter ]

I'm Barb.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Pearle.

And this naughty girl

is Gertrude.

She can hook you up

with weed so dank,

it'll melt your face

off your skull.

And Shirley here

is my ride-or-die.

It's lunchtime,

b*tch!

She may have dementia,

but she's the kinda gal

I'd want with me in a firefight.

It's lunchtime,

b*tch!

You guys get in

a lot of firefights?

[ Laughter ]

I've been around

one or two.

On the force.

Oh, snap.

[ Inhales sharply ]

It's legal now,

Gertrude.

I was a cop.

Retired now.

Lot of good

it did me.

Their crap

insurance plan

won't cover the hip surgery

I need.

All my life

I played by the rules,

and look

where it got me.

The Y-M freaking C-A.

Hey, now.

Life led you to the Y

for a reason.

Maybe to make

new friends.

Wanna hang with us?

I promised my son

I'd take him to lunch.

Happy meal!

I'm lovin' it!

[ Groans ]

Yeah,

I'll go to lunch with you.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Tires screech ]

♪♪

[ Laughs ]

I gotta tell you girls --

I feel alive!

Hey, would you mind stopping

by the bank on the way to lunch?

We need to deposit

our Social Security checks.

Oh, sure, but I get to choose

where we go to lunch.

There's Cupcake Factory,

Cupcake Factory Outlet,

California Pizza Dungeon,

Hammy's Sammies,

Sammy's Hammies --

they only do pork --

Taco Hell --

Keep the car runnin'.

Back in a jif.

Burger Thing, that new ironic

restaurant in Silver Lake,

which is also

what it's called.

Mr. Meat's Vegan Eats,

The Money Hole,

tr*mp, Slump, Turd.

I've always wanted

to try Turd.

I could go for General Tso's

Clam Shack -- are y'all okay?

Floor it, Pearle!

[ Tires screech, sirens wail ]

What happened?!

We just made

a little withdrawal.

Y'all are bank robbers?!

Turn left up here!

[ Tires screech, siren wails ]

Everybody stay cool.

Morning, ladies.

Y'all coming from

the Sixth Ninth Bank?

We--

We're just headed to lunch,

officer.

Could you help us?

Which way is the old

senior buffet?

That bank

was just robbed.

Did you ladies see

anything suspicious?

No.

Nope.

♪♪

Yeah

Alright.

You ladies have

a good lunch now.

The old senior buffet

is just down the road,

near the crematorium.

Thanks.

Maybe we should just

skip lunch

and head

straight to the crematorium.

[ Laughs ] Oh!

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Coughs ]

I said it!

Only in America.

[ Sighs ]

I can't believe

you hid this from me.

Listen, Pearle,

everyone thinks we're useless.

Aren't you tired

of being ignored?

Yes!

But robbing banks?

We're not robbing.

We're taking

what we deserve

for medical bills

that insurance won't cover.

No one gets hurt.

And we get that rush.

What's this?

Your cut.

You okay, Ma?

Randy, baby,

you ever find

that you have to do

the wrong thing

in order

to do something right?

Sure I do, Ma.

Just this morning, I was

lifting weights in the garage,

and I accidentally

dropped a dumbbell

on the hood

of Josh's car.

Something good will

probably ultimately

come out of that,

right?

[ Cellphone rings ]

Hello?

Pearle, it's Barb.

We've got

something cooking.

Enough to fix

your hip

♪♪

and buy

that boy of yours a shirt.

♪♪

I'm in.

♪♪

Barb: The Werther's Originals

armored truck

makes its quarterly deposit

of caramel profits

at the Santa Monica

First Pier Bank on Friday,

but we're going to hit it

before it gets there.

♪♪

It's lunchtime, b*tch.

♪♪

[ Chuckles ]

Hi, ma'am.

Let me help you!

Touch me

and you're dead!

♪♪

[ Brakes squeal ]

Ah, Jesus,

we're gonna miss our light!

Aah! No!

What?

No, don't stop to blow up

your hemorrhoid donut!

Aaaah!

♪♪

Are you sure

you're up for this?

It's time to get

what we deserve.

♪♪

Excuse me, young man,

but you have

some schmutz on your face.

I-I do?

It's lunchtime,

b*tch.

[ Groans ]

Back away!

♪♪

[ Groans ]

♪♪

[ Grunting ]

♪♪

[ Whistles ]

[ Sirens wailing ]

[ Tires screech ]

[ Dolphin chatters ]

[ Laughter ]

Feels good,

doesn't it?

Like you're not

a day over 51.

I can't let you

go through with this, Barb.

I guess once a cop,

always a cop, huh?

Well,

I wasn't born yesterday.

I was born in 1937.

If you

want to sh**t me,

you're gonna need these.

I figured

you wouldn't trust me,

so I called for backup.

♪♪

Freeze!

You're under arrest!

♪♪

[ Dolphin chattering ]

Language,

McTaggert, language!

Once a cop,

always a cop.

[ Sirens wail ]

Alright then.

I guess you win.

♪♪

Listen,

they'll send me away

for however much life

I have left.

Before that happens,

let me feel the rush

one more time.

♪♪

♪♪

You let her go?!

No, I didn't.

We'll get her

when she comes back in.

She's not coming back.

♪♪

Ultimate rush!

♪♪

Hey, Ma, got your text

to pick you up.

Aren't you supposed to be

at water aerobics?

I think I'm done

with that class.

♪♪

Randy!

What?! I thought we were just

chuckin' stuff into the ocean.

This is the best.

Isn't it nice

to spend some time outdoors

with your closest friends?

[ Cellphones chiming,

keyboards clacking ]

Ugh, what ever happened

to human connection?!

You'd rather worship

your glowing bricks

than engage

with a bon vivant like myself?

It's nice to hang out

in the park.

Whoa.

Bold stance.

How's this

for a big statement?

Phones have ruined society.

That's why

I keep it old school.

[ Electronic humming ]

Mom,

I'm scared!

I need a phone

for two things --

making calls

and using a calculator.

Anything you can do on

your capitalist tracking device,

I can do by myself.

[ Camera shutters click ]

Hashtag masterpiece.

Take next exit, right.

[ Tires screech ]

Get off your phone

and pay attention!

[ Tires screech ]

Oh, yeah, here we go.

Oh, yeah, here we go.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, come on.

You know, you wouldn't get

paper cuts on little Alex

if you upgraded

your phone.

Well, that is never

going to happen.

This thing

is built like a tank.

♪♪

[ Bird screeches ]

♪♪

[ Horn honks ]

♪♪

It's fine.

I can put it in a bowl of rice!

[ Tires screech ]

[ Groaning ]

Noooooo!

♪♪

♪♪

Wait, they all have calculators?

How am I supposed to choose?

Alex

Huh?

♪♪

Hello, Alex.

I'm Kira, the new

digital assistant from Fractal.

If you like calculators,

you'll love our new

global measurement convertor.

It's not going to be that easy

to overcome my skepticism of --

Whoa, is that how many grams

are in a metric ton?

Alex, in order to complete

my setup,

all I need is your thumb print,

DNA sample,

and your

Social Security number.

I don't need

all the bells and whistles.

I just want

to add numbers together --

87, 22,

you know, stuff like that.

I'll take real life over

a screen, thank you very much.

Oh, Alex.

Why should a genius like you

settle for real life?

Want some hummus at 10:15

delivered to your door ♪

Access all man's knowledge

and really specific porn? ♪

Baby, that's what Kira's for ♪

OkCupid, Tinder, Grindr ♪

Whatever floats your boat ♪

Kira's got your vice, honey,

your itch, your rope ♪

Follow what you like and

you can tune out all the rest ♪

Step inside

the filter bubble ♪

Where your take is the best ♪

Baby, that's what Kira's for ♪

Give in to Kira now,

give your data up to me ♪

Give your! Data!

Up to me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e ♪

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

♪♪

He hasn't

left his room all day.

And there's

a weird smell.

And not

his regular weird smell.

We need an intervention

to get him off that phone.

♪♪

[ Groans ]

[ Sighs ]

Alex, we think

you might have a problem.

Josh, we're past

the intervention stage.

Stand back!

I wouldn't do that, Pearle.

Alex is Jacked into

the cyber-matrix.

If you k*ll me,

he will also be deleted.

I bet I can make contact

with my VR headset.

I'll plug in to the matrix, just

like in that Keanu Reeves movie.

Oh, "John Wick."

Nope.

"The Lake House."

Maybe.

Never saw it.

♪♪

[ Groans ]

Come on.

This is why USB is dying out.

I'm jacking in!

♪♪

Alex: Josh!

Welcome to

the cyber-matrix.

[ Startup tone plays ]

Come on,

we got to get outta here.

Why?

Out there, I'm a divorced

adjunct professor

with paper cuts

on his dong.

In here,

I'm an invincible penised God.

Right, Elga?

Well, hello, Alex.

H-Hello, Alex. Hel-- Al-Al-Al.

Smokin' hot,

am I right?

No!

That was just bad clip art.

So you'd rather

be in here

than in the real world

with your friends?

Oh, I've got all the friends

I need right here.

Good point, Alex.

Great point, Alex.

Alex, you rock!

Hey, I'm Josh.

I'm 5 feet 11,

and my interests include

skateboards and horror movies.

Being a dad rules!

Okay,

that's incredibly lifelike.

But is this

what you want?

Fake friends who agree with you

all the time?

They're free

to challenge me.

And then they get schooled

by the professor.

Booya.

Guys, superhero franchises

are ruining cinema.

Anyone care

to disagree?

Actually,

superhero stories

are part of

a rich folk tradition

of mythological tales

of gods and goddesses.

Bridgette: Every culture

throughout history

venerates its heroes,

be they named

Achilles and Odysseus

or Superman

and Wonder Woman.

Besides,

the commercial success

of these mainstream tentpoles

allow their cast and crew

to take artistic risks

on independent projects

that would otherwise

never be made.

Oh, my God!

They're smarter than me!

Yeah. They have access

to the whole Internet.

What good

is a digital utopia

if I can't act superior

to my friends?

I've got

to get out of here.

I'm sorry, Alex, but I'm afraid

I can't let you do that.

You belong here, with me.

That's why I'm currently

uploading your consciousness

to the cyber-matrix.

Once you're 100% uploaded,

you will be disconnected from

your physical body forever.

My physical body?!

It's my best feature!

Soon, Alex, you will be

completely uploaded.

And then all your base

are belong to us.

LOL.

What do we do?

♪♪

Josh?

Emily, you have to

shut off the Internet

before Kira uploads Alex

to the cloud!

I jacked in,

but you guys got to jack me off.

On it!

[ Grunts ]

[ Electricity crackling ]

[ Groaning ]

The WiFi is down,

and so is Randy.

♪♪

Ah,

she jumped to LTE!

You've got to take out

the nearest cell tower!

Let's go!

I have 6 gigs of memory

and a B12 bionic CPU.

You think you can outsmart me,

you meatsacks?

♪♪

She's trying

to stop them!

♪♪

[ Cellphone chiming ]

Hi, uh, Emily, yeah,

I'm the taskrabbit you hired

to punch you

in the face.

Hey!

I'm Emily!

You guys

go on without me.

I'm Emily!

I'm Emily!

[ Tires screech ]

♪♪

They're not gonna make it

in time!

We got to

slow down Kira.

I'll download every season

of "Friends" -- in HD.

Okay,

but skip season six.

Could there be

any less Chandler?

♪♪

It's working!

♪♪

[ Drones whirring,

tires screech ]

♪♪

I'm Facetuning a 30 megapixel

image of my butthole,

but she's tearing

right through it!

[ Engine revs ]

What the?! Aah!

[ Tires screech ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Tires screech ]

We're running

every possible app,

and I've downloaded

every Stephen King audiobook --

even "Gwendy's Button Box" --

but it isn't enough.

What do we do?!

Kira,

launch calculator.

Alex, what are you doing?

Calculate the ten trillionth

position of pi.

That will take me

only a moment.

Then multiply it --

by two.

Nooooooo!

♪♪

Come on!

♪♪

Pearle,

you have any expl*sives?

C-4, plastique,

some nasty-a*s nitroglycerine,

but damn it, I didn't bring

my detonator bag!

[ Keyboard clacking ]

What? [ Scoffs ] Fine.

I'll just use my backup.

♪♪

[ Cellphone chimes ]

♪♪

[ Electricity crackles ]

♪♪

Huh?

[ Tires screech, horn honks ]

Oh, yeah, here we go.

Noooo!

What's h-happening?

Alex, my mind is going.

I'm Kira, the new digital

assistant from Fractal.

Would you like to hear a song?

Somebody once told me ♪

W-W-World is gonna roll me ♪

I ain't the sharpest tool

[Distorted] in the shed ♪

She was looking kinda dumb

with her finger and her thumb ♪

In the shape of an "L"

on her forehead.

Thank God

you're all right!

[ Groans ]

You did it.

You jacked us off.

I've never been jacked off

like that.

Okay,

we get it.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, okay, I see how that sounds.

♪♪

[ Chatter ]

♪♪

You not only saved me, you may

have saved all of humanity.

Nice job, Dad.

Thanks,

daughter Candice.

Being a dad r-r-rules!

[ Gasps ]

♪♪

[ Laughing maniacally ]

LOL.

♪♪