01x04 - Prank w*r/Cool Moms

[bunniefuu]

- [LAUGHING]

- Shh! Shut up.

Aaah!

Ugh!

[LAUGHING]

Oh!

Hohohohohohoho.

Dudes, come on!

[LAUGHING]

Oho, these guys.

Whoa!

Aah!

Ah!

Dude, is this milk?!

- [LAUGHING]

- Oh, wh-- Oh!

Oho! Wipeout!

Ah!

Dude, is this milk?!

We got you good, man.

That was so epic.

I used to be the prank master

in high school.

I want in on the action.

Uh, no disrespect, Josh, but I

don't think that's a good idea.

Why?

I mean, we love you, dude,

but pranks are kind of

a young thing.

And you're kind of

an old thing.

Yeah, man.

You're so old, if you said

r*cist stuff,

we'd kind of just let it slide.

What?

I'm not old.

Would an old person do this?

Aw! I thought

it was over you guys.

Old as "F."

Ow!

Ugh!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

- Huh huh huh!

- There you go!

- Huh huh!

- Good!

Why are we doing this?

Well, sweetie, some of us

have to learn

how to defend ourselves

because some of us

ditch each other

in dangerous situations.

What?

I did not ditch you.

I'm gonna catch ya.

I'm gonna catch ya!

[BOTH SCREAM]

Bridgette?

Have you guys seen

a Poliwrath around here?

No one plays that game anymore!

Hello, ladies!

Glad you're all here 'cause

I have a big announcement.

"Prank-mas came early.

You're invited to a prank w*r.

Pranks for playing"?

Ugh, he spent way too long

in the car

coming up with those puns.

What's this?

It's a prank w*r!

We're all gonna do pranks

on each other. It'll be fun!

Isn't there some other way

for you

to desperately cling

to your lost youth?

Ugh! I don't cling

to my lost youth!

Mornin', Mr. Singleton!

Special delivery of those

Crossfire refill pellets

you ordered.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Josh, I occasionally love

that you feel like

you're in high school,

but we've grown

out of doing pranks.

You never grow out

of doing fun things.

Prank w*r is on!

So I'll just, uh, leave these

by the door then, or?

Don't stop me now ♪

I'm having such a good time ♪

- Whoa, whoa! Oh!

- Wow.

I'm having a ball ♪

Don't stop me now ♪

Gotcha!

Ugh!

If you wanna have a good time, just give me a call ♪

Don't stop me now ♪

'Cause I'm having

a good time ♪

Don't stop me now ♪

Yes, I'm having a good time ♪

I don't want to stop at all ♪

Yeah, I'm a rocket ship

on my way to Mars ♪

On a collision course ♪

I am a satellite ♪

I'm out of control ♪

Whoa, whoa!

Aah! Ugh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, explode ♪

[GROANING]

I'm burnin' through the sky,

yeah, 200 degrees ♪

Prank w*r!

[LAUGHING]

Somebody get these MF'ing

snakes off this MF'ing stage!

No?

Nobody saw that movie?

Ugh!

[CROWD CHEERING]

- Feeling young yet?

- No.

Do you mind watching Candice

till Emily and Bridgette

come out?

I'm gonna walk home.

Yeah, man, I got your back.

But my small talk with children

is real limited!

So

did you hear that new

Ween album?

- Wah!

- Aah!

Tip?

[LAUGHS] Whoa!

Sweet prank, man.

It's technically

more of a scare.

I've never gotten you before?

I've been working this corner

for 10 years.

No way!

How old are you?

- 32.

- So you're my age

and you're still

having fun pranking people?

Well, I actually studied scaring

at the Ottawa Conservatory of --

You got to prank my friends!

That's them, right there.

[♪♪♪]

Mmm

Mmm!

Oh, my God.

She's so hot.

Hey, that's my wife.

The Japanese woman?

Oh, no, the other one.

Eh, she's okay.

But the Japanese woman

is beautiful.

Bridgette?

I mean, yeah,

she's very pretty

[GASPS]

and newly divorced.

And you know what else?

She loves getting scared.

- She does?

- Totally.

Hey, do you think maybe

after the scare, you can

introduce me?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just get down.

Enough with the pranks, Josh.

You just got us banned

from that club.

Okay, I can see where you're

coming from, and you're right.

Let's hug it out.

We don't need to hug it out.

Ehh?

Ah, geez.

-What are y--

-Where are you going?

Do you know how hugs work?

- Aah!

- Aah!

- Huh!

- Huh!

Huh-hu-huh-uh-hu-hu-hu!

The big "C."

It's tough to beat.

- Wh-Whoa.

Th-They punched Bush Guy

so hard he got cancer?

Oh, no!

I always call a coma

"the big C."

You know what?

Why don't you take Candice

to get some crackers?

Ooh! Crackers!

The big "C"!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,

yes, yes, yes, yes!

Ugh. This will put my PhD

in anthropology

with an emphasis

on Viking history to good use.

Eight years, Emily!

Eight years!

- Freeze! Police!

- [GASPS]

Are you the two women

that knocked this

innocent man into a coma?

What?

No!

What are you doing?

I've got a job!

And a kid!

- And a husband!

That's debatable!

Where are you taking them?

They're going to

a holding cell downtown.

and unless Bush Guy wakes up

and decides not

to press charges,

we're looking at the big "M."

m*rder?!

Oh, actually, that's pretty

close. Manslaughter!

Uhhh.

Come on.

You know, mommy allows me

one candy a day.

Okay, whatever.

And the cycle

of capitalism continues.

Ha!

Prank w*r!

I'm not supposed to have candy!

Okay. You got me?

Pfft.

A-Are you

Oh!

Oh, God!

Aah!

Hey! Whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa!

Aah!

Candice, be careful!

I pranked my way into this.

Maybe I can prank my way out.

Hmm.

Hmm.

H--

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Good Lord!

Hammers are for amnesia.

Yah!

Aah!

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Aah! Aah!

I've got a family!

[♪♪♪]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

[♪♪♪]

Oh, man.

Oh, man, oh, man.

Relax, Em.

This is just another prank.

It's all fake.

I can't believe Josh went

through all of this

just to feel young again.

It's so sad.

Alex and I had better

production value

on our bedroom role play.

I mean, look at this.

This woman couldn't look

more "stereotypical prisoner."

Is that real?

- Is this real?

- Aah!

Oh, my God!

It's real!

It's not a prank!

This is not a prank!

[SCREAMING]

How long until Josh gets here?

He's probably not coming!

This is our life now!

Stupid prank w*r!

I'm sorry, Bush Guy.

This is all my fault.

Pranking's a young man's game.

Now you're gonna die,

and I've ruined everything

for Emily and Bridgette.

Ohh

Huh?

Bridgette?

Ohh

- [GASPS] Emily?

- Ehh.

- Bridgette.

- Unh unh unh, ohh

Holy crap!

But how could I

Aah!

You have crazy

upper-body strength.

Ugh!

Josh!

Emily!

- Oh, hey, man.

- Damn it, Josh!

Candice lost her mind.

She's all jacked up on candy.

Oh, yeah, you're not supposed

to give her candy.

I am Candeesi!

Mother of candies!

I don't know how much longer

this guy's gonna last.

We got to get him to the jail.

For the record, I feel really

weird holding your daughter

while my a*s is

in this guy's face!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Just stick together.

Just stick together.

Emily!

Bridgette!

Josh! We didn't think

you were coming.

I know, but we're gonna

get you out of here.

Bridgette, you're the key

to waking up Bush Guy.

Why me?

Because he thought you were hot.

- Did he think I was hot?

- He

thought you were

a really nice person,

and he hopes you find happiness.

Aww!

Oh, gross.

Okay, what am I supposed to do?

- Just talk to him.

- Uh, okay.

Hey, Bush Guy!

Unh

Ugh!

Ohh.

Taking a nap again, Morales?

-What the --

-[GASPS]

- Go get it!

- Yeah!

Yes!

[ALARM BLARING]

No!

Hurry, Bridgette.

Sex it up a little, you know?

Say some of that stuff

you said on our honeymoon.

Uh, don't worry.

It happens to a lot of guys.

What?! No!

The Viking stuff!

Just do it, Bridgette!

Twist 'em!

Twist 'em!

For Valhalla!

- Aah!

- Yeah! You did it!

Yes!

I'm not a man-slaughterer!

Ugh!

Ah

Why do my n*pples feel

more raw than usual?

I am so glad that Bush Guy

dropped the charges.

Ugh, can you believe

he still asked me out on a date?

Well, I'm officially done.

Prank w*r is over.

I'm so glad to hear

you say that.

ALL: Aah!

[GASPS]

Nooooo!

[CRYING]

Prank w*r!

Huh?

- Look at his face!

- Dude, she got you!

Prank w*r is back on!

Whoo!

No, Josh, wait!

Welp, back to jail.

Emily, we have to get

the girls together again.

I loved our 90-minute

conversation

on homework technique

and containers.

Can't wait!

k*ll me now.

Uh-oh.

Trouble in mom-i-dise?

Whenever Candice plays

with a kid,

I gotta hang out

with their lame a*s mom.

Oh, my God! Okay.

You gotta find a new crew.

You've got your L.L. Bean

moms -- snoozefest.

The single moms.

Should someone help that woman?

No one can help her.

And over there we have --

[GASPS]

The cool moms.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

The coolest moms around.

And their kids

are top of the class.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

I give them "A" s

so they'll like me.

I'm so stupid, whatever!

You know what?

We're all adults.

I'm just gonna walk up to them

and say something cool

like, "Hey."

So that's how I gave

Michael Douglas throat cancer.

[LAUGHTER]

Jojo, you're the best.

Heeeeeey.

I'm so sorry, she's a rescue.

[CHUCKLES]

That's the thirstiest "Hey"

I've ever heard.

Why is she -- Oh, my God.

Okay, she's coming,

she's coming -- how do I look?

Is the bun fun?

Hey.

Hey, 'sup?

Our kids are really

getting along.

Play date.

4:00.

Your house.

Yes.

I'll bring a great bottle

of Shiraz, cool?

Heh, no plus ones.

No, I'm cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My iCal is totally full,

love you guys!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Ew. Josh, you know I'm trying

to get the house

cleaned up for the play date.

Sorry, Em. Mess is part

of my process,

duh-doy!

Alex, what are you doing?

I'm beautiful minding, duh-doy.

[ENGINE REVVING]

Son of b*tch!

Let me borrow your car.

- Hi, Randy.

- Josh, let me borrow your car.

Emily is being impossible.

What?

We just heard you crash yours

into that tree.

The tree is not the issue!

My mom just snuck off

to Palm Springs with some rando!

Hah, good for her!

Emily, I swear to God!

Why don't you do Randy a solid

and just drive him yourself?

To the desert?

Sure!

Take Alex with you.

It'll be a fun road trip!

BOTH: Road trip!

Mix CDs!

Dried meats!

Stopping at a scary truck

stop late at night!

Talking about our feelings!

What is happening?

And the best part is,

you'll get out of the house --

I mean, you'll save Pearle

and get out of the house.

[♪♪♪]

[LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪]

Hmm.

[♪♪♪]

Aahh!

[♪♪♪]

[LAUGHTER]

What up? Let me see those hands

up in the air!

[GRUNTING]

[♪♪♪]

Ah!

That should be enough.

[ENGINE REVS]

[GASPS]

She's so cool.

Hey, Mom, you should wear

this hat I made you at school!

Okay.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[LAUGHS]

Jojo, Mia!

Hi!

I mean -- 'sup?

Oh, you keep all those things.

I just take a picture

and throw it away.

She doesn't know the difference.

Oh, yeah!

I was just about to do that.

Couldn't set up the camera

in time.

Well, come in.

I was thinking we can all play

Butterfly Barn.

I want to be the butter pig.

Not happening.

Hey, why don't you two go off

and make your own choices --

good or bad.

We're going to down a batch

of my latest.

Homemade beer?

Is this really happening?

Do I really have to be

alone with her?

She made Mr. Campbell

give himself a time out.

You are not gonna cry,

Timothy Brice Campbell.

Not for her!

It's not my fault I found

his terrible improve troupe

on YouTube.

Go!

It will be great.

JOSH: Dude, what's your problem?

You two are my problem!

You don't know what it's like

to be the kid of a cop,

worried your mom's not coming

home at the end of a shift.

Dang, man, I'm sorry.

I just need to make sure

she's okay!

[SOBBING]

[♪♪♪]

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[SCREECHES]

You know, it's natural to want

to protect your mother

with everything

that she did for you.

- Ahhhhhh!

- Sweet Pattie La-Belle!

You're alive?!

Should it be so surprising

to see a miracle

in the holiest of places?

I bet you could get us

to the resort faster

than this junk chunk.

Oh, good.

It'll give us time to go

over the word of the lord.

And that's why adultery

is my favorite reason

for stoning women.

- Dude.

- Come on!

Wow. So you don't give Mia

any boundaries at all?

It's like this sour beer.

I mean, you can't just sit there

and watch the hops 24/7.

You got to give it space.

That's why it tastes so good.

Wow.

That -- That's so true.

Also, I let Mia drink beer.

It's like what they say

in Europe --

no rules, just right.

Isn't that the slogan

for Outback Steakhouse?

Yeah! But we went to the one

in Europe, so

Mom!

Mia broke my piggy bank!

Oh, I'm sure it was an accident.

Mia, we're in someone

else's home.

Was that piggy bank

stifling your voice?

Yes, Jojo!

Capitalism is

the great oppressor!

Ooh, respect.

Ugh, you're just gonna

let her do that, Mom?

Well, you can't let things

stifle your voice.

And you know what, don't call me

Mom, call me Emily.

Aggression is natural.

You just got to get it out.

That's why I take Mia

to this wrestling class.

Wrestling?

You should come!

Everybody's gonna be there.

Ehh?

We're here!

ALEX: "Mother's End --

Home Of The Secret Nudist Temple

Where Sound Doesn't Exist?"

Sounds like the perfect place

to k*ll someone.

Flawless Caruso, bro.

[GRUNTS]

Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh-shh.

[BOTH GASP]

Dude?!

We go where the road takes us,

come on!

[♪♪♪]

Emily, meet the crew.

This is Billie.

'Sup?

Billie gave Usher herpes.

Zola, the best SoulCycle instructor on the East Side.

Yo.

Saffron, she's a staff writer

for Goop Kids.

And Trish.

Hi, nice to meet you, Emily.

Trish is so norm-core, it's sad.

Just like your apartment.

What?!

Jojo, how's Mia taking

to her new diet?

Amazing.

I'm only feeding her superfoods.

That's why she's

crushing b*tches!

[GROANING]

Let's get Candice out there,

see what she's got.

Ugh, I don't want to.

You can do it, don't be scared.

Mom!

Mom?

Who are you talking to?

I'm Emily.

Ugh!

Look, I'll try to take out

as many people as possible,

but I can't k*ll

everyone by myself.

You're each responsible

for a body.

[GONG SOUNDS]

What the hell is that noise?!

Ahh!

We'll naked wrestle these guys!

Randy, go save your mom!

[SCREAMING]

[♪♪♪]

[WARBLING]

[HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING]

No one touches my ma!

What the?!

Randy?

I'm here to save you!

You must be Randy!

Randy, why are you here?!

I told you I could

take care of myself.

I thought he was murdering you!

Ha, if by murdering,

you mean k*ll off

your mother's aching muscles

with soothing sound waves.

I find that hard to believe!

We met when I was undercover

with Big Donnie's crew.

He took 13 b*ll*ts

for me in a shootout.

It was nothing.

I'm impressed with

your detective work,

but I'm not going anywhere.

I'm sorry, Ma.

It's just -- every night

growing up,

I'd lie in bed until I heard

the click of the door opening.

Because that's when I knew

you were safe.

And even though you're retired,

I guess I still need

to hear that click.

Oh, baby, if the streets of LA

couldn't take me out,

nothing can.

I'm un-murderable.

She has very strong legs.

You're right, Dad.

[♪♪♪]

Road trip!

Road trip!

I'm gonna break you the way

I broke that piggy bank!

She's gonna go easy

on her, right?

No mercy, Mia!

You know how we do!

You're doing the right thing.

I let Mia beat my kid's a*s,

and now we vacation

with them in Cabo.

Stop!

Candice!

I should have never set up

this play date.

You don't ever have to try

to do anything to be cool.

You're the coolest person

I know.

Can we go home and play?

You bet.

Yeah, go on home

to your board games.

You want to know

why they're called that?

Because they're boring.

I knew you couldn't be

a cool mom.

Maybe not, but I could beat

a cool mom's a*s!

It's on!

Ready?

Go!

Yeah get her!

You can do it.

Come on!

Slam it down, b*tch!

You can do it, Mom!

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]

Have fun with the loser moms.

[GRUNTING]

[♪♪♪]

Agh!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[BONE CRACKS]

Ahh! Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry!

Is there a doctor here?

I deserve this for being

such a d*ck.

Ow! Ah!

Peace out!

Mia, you're driving!

That was really brave of you

to stand up to Jojo.

She terrifies me.

Oh, thanks.

Maybe we could all get together

some time?

As long as we get to play

Butterfly Barn!

Oh, my gosh!

I love Butterfly Barn!

I'll bring the homemade beer.

[GASPS]

Just kidding,

I'm not a d*uche-bag.

[♪♪♪]