01x02 - Logan's Run'd/Room Parents

[bunniefuu]

Aww, I can't believe

you're going on your

very first sleepover!

Please, Mom, I'm not some baby.

Did you pack Mr. Bun Bun?

And Mr. Num Num.

Oh, thank God.

Bye!

Have a great time!

[SOBS] Wow, I didn't know

I was gonna feel this-- this

freakin' pumped!

We haven't had a night

to ourselves in five years.

We can do whatever we want!

We have nothing holding us back!

[GASPS]

TOGETHER: We can run errands!

Turn down for what? ♪

[♪♪♪]

Turn down for what? ♪

[♪♪♪]

Turn down for what? ♪

[♪♪♪]

Turn down for what? ♪

[♪♪♪]

Turn down for what? ♪

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[CHUCKLES]

Kid-free night.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Your sticky toffee

mincemeat brandy bun

is cram-jammed with flavor!

Ahh, it is so cram-jammed.

How'd she get the meat

so minced?

Bridgette!

Grab a Snuggie

and get in on this action.

Sorry, can't.

I'm going out

to Logan's tonight.

It's the hot club right now.

Boo! A club?

Come on, it's Crumpet Week!

Yeah, so, remember how we agreed

to warn each other

if we ever started to turn,

you know

old?

What?

Just 'cause we're drinking

lavender dreamtime tea?

Lavender dreamtime?

Uh, yes, please!

First pour, though.

Daddy doesn't like it

too strong.

Guys, you have a whole night

to yourselves

and this is what

you're gonna do with it?

You're old.

No, we're

not?

[EASY LISTENING MUSIC PLAYS]

[♪♪♪]

[GULPING]

[BEEPING]

Good night!

[MOTOR WHIRRING]

Lavender dream time?

Uh, yes, please!

Take us with you!

[TIRES SCREECH]

- You sure?

- Yes.

We'll party just like

the old days--

rage all night

and then stumble

into Brite Spot at dawn

for chocolate-chip pancakes.

Yeah!

Let's do this right!

[GUITAR RIFF]

[CHUCKLES]

Hope you guys like Weezer.

[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

TOGETHER: Whoa!

- Whoo, whoo!

- Whoo!

[♪♪♪]

Hey, my dude, my man, my bro.

What's a guy got to do to get

a few shots around here?

Uh, stop trying so hard?

Four tequilas, please.

Huh?!

Uh

[BEEP, CHIME]

Whoa!

One hundo percent.

So lit. Thanks.

To being lit!

To being lit!

To being lit!

[CHUCKLES]

"Lit" means cool.

Alright, I'm just gonna

go over here

while you guys

are talkin' like that.

Wait, isn't he, like,

some big YouTuber?

Yeah-- Jaxon Pill.

Samsung paid him a hundred grand

to unbox a Galaxy,

and he literally sh*t

all over it.

Mama, mama, red pajama.

See you guys.

I'mma go slide

into his DMs, IRL.

Isn't he a little young?

M'kay, byeeeee!

Three more shots, please.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[SWITCH CLICKS]

Ha!

Closing time! ♪

Yeaaaah, son!

Ooh! Let's go get

those pan-que-ques!

Huh? Oh. Whoops.

[MUSIC RESUMES, PEOPLE SHOUT]

Sorry, my bad!

Rage on!

Wait, it's not closing time?

[CHUCKLES]

Nah, bro, it's only

[SLO-MO]

Niiiine fifteeeeeen.

[♪♪♪]

Hunh!

Daaamn, you've got

six million subscribers?

Plus four milly on Insta.

You wanna come back to my crib?

I got a custom Lambo.

So Gucci, right?

Soooo Gucci.

Ugh, there's nowhere to sit,

and my back is k*lling me!

What?!

I said my back is k*lling me!

Yeah, totally.

I don't know about you,

but my back is k*lling me!

Should we just

call it a night?

We can't!

That would be admitting

we're old lame-os.

Ugh, what's wrong with me?

I'm already so friggin' tired.

Guys, I think I'm

old.

[GROANS]

- Whoa, hey, watch out.

Hey, barkeep!

You got any, uh, craft beers?

Maybe a double IPA?

[SNIFFS]

I'm gonna need to see

some ID, bro.

Really?

[CHUCKLES] Wow.

Thank you, Rogaine!

I've got boxers older than 21.

[CHUCKLES]

Congrats, bro, you qualify

for our VIP room!

[ALARM BLARING]

[CROWD CHANTING "VIP!"]

VIP? Ohh, man.

I can't wait to post

about this on Tripadvisor.

Whoa!

I wanna do that!

How do you get to be a VIP?

[LAUGHING]

Whoa!

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

Oh, my God.

It's so beautiful.

Huh? Whoa.

What? No!

Oh, my God!

[SPLAT]

Holy crap!

What the hell was that?!

Dude thought he could

cruise in here

over the age of 30

and not get ex*cuted?

SMH, bruh.

[♪♪♪]

Josh, I don't want to die!

We gotta find Bridgette

and get outta here!

We can't let anyone in here

know we're over 30.

[♪♪♪]

Mmmm!

Mmm.

So what's up, girl?

You wanna come back to my crib?

[LAUGHING]

Uh, okay!

But just to hang out.

I'm not some YouTube groupie.

Hey, that's cool.

We'll do a little screen time,

PBS Kids and chill,

get my mom

to whip us up some snacks

You still live

with your mom?

And weekends at my dad's.

He's so strong.

Uh

Wait-- how old are you?

Me?

I just turned 26--

Oh, whew!

months.

26 months.

What?!

[♪♪♪]

[GASPS]

Oh, my God!

You're a baby?!

Nah, I'm a big boy.

I haven't had breast milk

in over a year.

Though in your case, girl,

sh**t, I'd go back on that teat.

I'm going to jail!

Bridgette!

Are you sh1tting me?

[SNIFFING]

Oh, wait.

No, that's my bad.

[PANTING]

Ugh!

Can I, uh, see some ID, my man?

What?! Why?

We're-- We're hella young.

Right, bae?

Uhh

For realsies.

Like, seriously, I'm

about to get a Bird scooter home

and just jump on

my parents' insurance.

[BOING]

Hmm

That checks out.

My bad! [LAUGHS]

Thought you were VIPs

for a second there.

Ha!

No worries, my dude.

We gotta jet, but hit me up

on the Facebook.

Only old people use Facebook.

Uh no, I meant

Snapchat! Venmo?

Uh

Look at me floss.

[GRUNTING]

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]

ALEX: I remember

Blockbuster Video!

[CROWD GASPS]

That's right.

I owned cassette singles!

I used AOL

to "surf the Web."

I am

old!

[ALARM BLARING]

[CROWD CHANTING "VIP!"]

[ALARM BLARING]

What the hell are you doing?!

I'm just a tired old man

who can't even party anymore.

If anybody should die tonight,

it's me.

Get away from me,

ya punk millennial!

Aw! He's sacrificing himself

to save us.

Very cool. Let's go.

No!

We can't leave him!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTING]

Get-- Get out of the way!

Ugh!

Oh! Oh, whoa!

Whooooooa!

[GRUNTS]

Hey!

Leave the old people alone.

Let me go, Josh!

It's my time!

I can't let you do this.

You've still got lots

to live for!

Dude, what's the point?

I'm only gonna get older

and lamer!

But what about all the good

parts of getting old?

Like how no one expects you to

keep up with new music anymore?

On a Friday night,

you can just stay in

and watch

"The Great British Bake Off"!

And your beard's gonna get

all salt and pepper-y!

I'm all about older guys

right now!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You're saying I could have

a Clooney vibe here?

Ohhh, God! No, no, no,

I wanna live!

I wanna get old!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[CLANKING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

[ALL SCREAM, GRUNT]

Noooo!

Everyone over 30 must die!

Just like in "Logan's Run"!

Dude, did you just reference

a movie from 1976?

[CROWD MURMURING]

That's why you named

this place "Logan's"?

How old are you?

What?! No!

I-- I must have seen it

streaming on Crackle or--

AAH!

[CROWD GASPS]

This dude's pushing 50!

[ALL GASP]

[RETCHES]

I just wanted to keep it young

in here!

You can't have people over 30

in your bar.

Then it becomes a pub!

And I would have gotten away

with it,

if it weren't for you nosy

35-year-old kids!

[CROWD BOOING]

No, no, no!

Aaaah!

[GLASS SHATTERS, DOORS SLAM]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

Yo, if you feelin' me,

then "wike and subscwibe."

[SIGHS]

I know he's young,

but he is cute.

Wow, is it just me,

or are these pancakes

Disgustingly sweet?

Yeah, I guess our tastes

have changed.

And that's okay.

We've got new tastes.

[BRITISH ACCENT] These

Bakewell tarts got a soggy bottom.

[BRITISH ACCENT]

Cram-jammed with potato curry!

[LAUGHTER]

ALEX: We saw a guy

get k*lled tonight.

So, to prevent further mishaps,

the children will no longer

be learning acupuncture.

- [GASPING]

- Who cares?

Aaaand this parent-teacher

meeting is done.

Is what I will say

as soon as we're done.

[ALL GROAN]

Oh, come on.

[GROANING]

Oh, man.

I should not've drunk

three Powerades.

Shh! Just cross your legs.

It's almost over.

And there is one last thing

before I let you go,

something very exciting.

Ooo.

- Oh! Something exciting?

- What could it be?!

WOMAN: Maybe this wasn't

a waste of time.

An opportunity.

If you're up to it.

[LAUGHS]

- Wait. What's he doing?

- What's he got?!

- Is that a 4x8?

- [GASPS] Oh, my God.

We need a volunteer

to be room parent!

[SCREAMING]

Hunh! Ugh!

Aaah!

[GLASS SHATTERS]

You guys, you guys, the drama--

do we need it?

You just have to send

a bunch of e-mails

and raise money

for new playground equipment.

[SQUISH]

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

Josh, whatever you do,

don't raise your

hand?

Whoa, what'd I miss?

We doing a purge?

Joshua, would you like

to volunteer to be room parent?

That sounds pretty cool.

Josh?! Dooooon't!

[SLO-MO]

I'llll dooooo iiii--

[THUD]

Yes!

We have our room parent

for the year!

Whoo!

- He didn't mean it!

It was a spasm!

Ooh, I'm so sorry,

accidental hand raises

are legally binding.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Josh, do you realize

what you've signed up for?

Your life as you know it

is over.

It's an opportunity

to help the school

and do something for Candice.

And it seems fun.

Check out this swag.

That is a novelty thermometer

for the fundraiser.

[CHUCKLES]

More like fun-raiser.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

I'm gonna go get Candice.

Huh?

Let me help you with that,

you absolute hero.

Oh, thanks, uh

Nikki.

I'm Billy's mom.

I just wanted to say

how impressive you are.

It takes a real man to volunteer

to be room parent

and put on a fundraiser.

I think of it

as more of a fun-raiser.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, my God!

You're so funny!

Thanks.

I think so, too.

Look, I don't want

to overstep, but

What if we were co-room parents?

Really?

Yeah!

I did it for my older kids,

so I know how hard it can be.

But I bet if we put our faces,

[LAUGHS]

I mean heads together,

we might even have a little sex.

[SNORTS, LAUGHS]

I mean fun.

Wow!

That sounds great.

Thanks, Nikki.

Let's do coffee tomorrow.

Talk about the fundraiser,

explore our feelings.

Oh, wow.

Do you work out?

Actually, don't answer.

I want to find out organically.

Who was that?

She just offered to be

my co-room parent.

Really? Why?

Maybe she just likes

fundraising.

Nobody likes fundraising, Josh.

Yeah!

What's fun about raisins, Josh?

[CELLPHONE CLICKING, CHIMES]

[SNORTS, LAUGHS]

What's so funny?

Ah, room parent stuff.

You wouldn't understand.

[CELLPHONE RINGING]

[GASPS]

This is her now!

I'd better take it.

Nikki, hey!

What am I wearing?

[CHUCKLES]

She's got it bad.

Oh, she's just aching

for that J-dog D.

Pfft!

What are you talking about?

Josh is a type.

That hummingbird nose

His fragile hips.

The way his eyes tear up

when he tastes mustard.

Dude's got a body

like the jack of clubs--

better than a 10 and paper thin.

No, they're just joking around.

Going out to meet Nikki!

She told me to wash my ba*ls.

Pfft! So random.

[OMINOUS PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

I've seen that look before.

Let me guess--

taking revenge on the cartel

that k*lled your partner?

I think Josh is being seduced.

He doesn't realize it yet,

but once he does,

I'm worried it'll be too late.

We'll take my spy van.

[HEART'S "CRAZY ON YOU" PLAYS]

[♪♪♪]

But I tell myself

that I was doin' alright ♪

There's nothin' left to do

at night ♪

But go crazy on you ♪

Crazy on you ♪

Let me go crazy,

crazy on you, ohh ♪

My love is the evenin' breeze

touchin' your skin ♪

The gentle, sweet singin'

of leaves in the wind ♪

The whisper that calls

after you in the night ♪

And kisses your ear

in the early moonlight ♪

[♪♪♪]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

Bow, bow,

bow-now-now-now-now-now ♪

[GUFFAWING]

Aaaaah!

I followed you today.

I saw you gallivanting around

town with your girlfriend!

Nikki? We're just buds!

We like to horse around

and give each other nicknames,

like Nik-Nak

and Delicious Little Sex Boy.

I saw you being romantic

all over town.

We were just exploring potential

places to hold the fundraiser.

So you aren't cheating on me?

Of course not!

I love you!

And don't worry--

If someone were coming on to me,

I would definitely know.

Just in case, would you mind

not co-room-parenting

with Nikki anymore?

Oh. Totally.

Thank you.

Maybe we can stop by her place

before the fundraiser tomorrow

and break the news.

Sure!

She invited me over

for a tour of her bathtub anyway, so--

Ohh! I see it now.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Josh!

Josh's wife!

What a pleasant surprise.

Come on in.

Uh, sorry to drop in on you

like this.

I just needed to let you know,

I don't think we should be

co-room parents anymore.

[LAUGHS]

You're so funny!

I know I'm usually so funny,

but this time,

I'm actually serious.

But what about the fundraiser?

Josh can take care of it.

[SMACK]

He really appreciates

all your help.

Awwww!

Thank you, Josh!

Hey, I've been making

a k*ller apple tart.

How about a slice to show

there's no hard feelings?

That would be--

[FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING]

lovely.

[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY]

Hey, that worked out great!

Thanks for doing this.

No problem.

Billy, my man, what's up?

[STATIC]

Josh

Don't like responding to

questions when you watch TV?

My daughter's the same--

waaait a minute,

why does your arm feel

like it's filled with straw?

Oh, my God!

Billy's dead!

No! Billy's not real!

We have to get out of here!

I'm afraid I can't let you

do that.

Not to be rude, but

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

I don't think

we want that tart anymore.

[LAUGHS]

Don't worry.

The only thing on the menu

[SQUISH]

is g*n.

[BOTH GASP]

Wait, why did you bake it

into the tart?

So you're not even a parent

at the school?

Ugh! God no.

Kids are like, echhh!

With their sticky little

blechhhh.

Yeah, no.

I've pulled this grift

in every town

from Santa Maria

to Santa Clarita.

Every school has at least

one dad up to his neck

in room parent duties,

desperate for help.

In my line of work

we call them a "Josh."

But why?

You can't be making

more than like 250 bucks.

It's a volume business.

I'm running a Josh

in Van Nuys, too.

Well, this has been fun,

but I have children to rob.

If she takes that money,

we won't be able to afford

a new playground!

And everyone'll think

I'm just some dumb Josh!

[♪♪♪]

[LAUGHING EVILLY]

[GRUNTING]

[♪♪♪]

- What are you doing?

- I'm getting us out of here.

[GRUNTS]

[♪♪♪]

Why, yes, my son is here.

And he's totally a human boy.

Where the hell are those two?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Postpal.

They were all out of knife.

Ugh, you guys are the worst.

[PANTING]

[♪♪♪]

[TIRES SCREECH]

Nikki! Stop!

[GASPS]

[PANTING]

See you on the other side,

losers!

[HORN TOOTS]

sh*t.

[♪♪♪]

Hey!

You can't be up here!

[LAUGHS] Oh, my God!

You're so funny.

Hyah!

Aaaaaah!

[expl*si*n]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[GASPS]

Mom!

Dad's girlfriend

is getting away!

Don't call her that.

Give it up, Nikki.

You're trapped.

- Please!

Like I could ever be outsmarted

by a Josh.

Okay, I want to get off now.

[♪♪♪]

[ALL GRUNT]

Emily!

Josh!

I've got to stop her!

I'm a room parent.

[♪♪♪]

Ohh!

[♪♪♪]

Aah!

[g*nshots]

Sorry, Billy!

[SCREAMS]

Aah!

[BOTH GRUNT]

Give me the cash, Nikki!

How about I make out a check?

To your nuts!

Gah!

Eh gah!

[GRUNTS, SHOUTS]

Ugh!

[BANG]

[GRUNTING]

[♪♪♪]

So long, Josh!

And by the way

you're actually not funny.

Yeah, it's pretty hard

to be funny

when the joke's on you!

[GASPS]

Billy?!

[SCREAMING]

How could you?!

[♪♪♪]

Noooooooo!

[expl*si*n]

[♪♪♪]

[BANG]

[CROWD CHEERS]

Hi! [LAUGHS] Thank you, yeah.

Mr. Campbell.

I spoke with the rest

of the faculty at Chamomile,

and we all agreed

to make Josh

room parent for life!

[CHEERING]

Uh but that can't be

legally--

It's legally binding!

Yay!

[LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪]