01x01 - Quilty Pleasures/The Perfect House

[bunniefuu]

JOSH: We're live

with the final event.

Candice the Crusher is gonna try

and set the world record.

And go!

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[GRUNTS]

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTING]

[LAUGHS]

[SLOW-MOTION LAUGHING]

[SLOW-MOTION]

Go, Candice!

- [GRUNTS]

- Ooh!

- Aah!

- Whoa-oh!

Ugh!

[CRACKING, ZAP]

[AIR WHOOSHING]

Wha-aaah!

Candice!

- Aaah!

- Aaaaaaah!

What the hell are you guys--

Oh, crap!

What's happening?

[ALL SCREAM]

Turn off the thermostat!

[GRUNTS]

[ALL GRUNT]

[ALL GROANING]

Damn it, I just took a picture!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Last time, I got to eat

ice cream for dinner

so I wouldn't remember

they were late.

But I do remember.

Yeah, my dad moved out

when I was 4.

I remember that, too.

- Hey!

- Hey!

Yay!

Do I get ice cream again?!

Ha ha.

What do you mean?

Play this right,

and you'll get a waffle cone.

Emily, Joshua, I was so worried

when you didn't show up.

Is everything okay?

You guys want to sit down,

have a juice box?

We can't.

We gotta--

Guys

Never say, "I can't,"

always say, "I'll try."

[CHUCKLES]

Let's sit.

I'll try.

Guys, I'm concerned that Candice

hasn't turned in her patch yet

for the family tree

quilt project.

This empty space is where

Candice's project would go.

I never heard about

a quilt project.

Look, sorry, I know you're

new here at Chamomile.

It's a tough school. Not every

family is up to the task.

Candice's project needs

to be done by tomorrow

so we can present it

at the event in the morning.

Event?

What event?

I sent you guys the class snap.

Okay, guys, remember the family

heritage event is tomorrow,

and each student will present

their patches to the class

and parents, so don't be late!

[ SLURPS]

But if Candice isn't

able to participate,

I'll be forced

to give her an "A".

- Oh!

- Oh!

Which stands for "Almost

acceptable but not quite."

And I don't usually

like being that harsh.

- Oh.

- Oh.

You know what?

We're gonna do the hell

out of that project.

Yeah!

We're totally going to

k*ll it at the presentation.

Make those other kids' patches

look like S-H-I-T!

Total S-H-I-T!

Are you guys spelling "sh*t"?

Damn it!

Those teachers are good!

So glad we can send her

to that school.

O-M-G!

We get to take care

of Candy Cane?!

A few quick questions

before you go.

This is so not happening.

What? Why?

We live together.

Can't you baby sit

for one night?

Babysitting doesn't exactly gel

with my plan to get off tonight.

And I--

Wait, get off from what?

You don't even have a job.

Come on, Alex.

Ohh! Orgasm?!

You're trying to have

an orgasm tonight

and that's why you can't help

look after this beautiful,

angelic child?!

Oh, my God!

What's that?!

- Huh?

- Huh?

[BOTH GRUNT]

[TIRES SCREECH]

Bye!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[GASPS]

They got churros here?!

Josh, we didn't

come all the way down

to the Fashion District

to get churros.

Since I'm an expert haggler,

I'll buy the fabric.

You just need to buy the thread.

Got it!

This is for Candice!

Candice!

- Huh!

- Huh!

Does anybody know

where I can find thread?

Thread?

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Thread!

Does anyone have any thread?

Oh, you're selling Nintendos?

[BELL RINGING]

[MUNCHING]

Have you guys seen thread?

[BIRD SQUAWKS]

[GASPS]

That's the coolest thing

I've ever seen!

Yes, Señor, Pájaro Pals.

Where we make birds

look like you!

Lookin' good, Bird Josh.

[SQUAWKS, SPEAKS SPANISH]

[CHUCKLES]

Love you, too.

[GRUNTS]

My wallet!

Hey, kid!

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

BRIDGETTE: Where's Candice?

She isn't in her room.

I don't know. She said she was

gonna go grab dinner!

5-year-olds don't

just grab dinner.

You have to order it

on GrubHub for them.

Candice!

- Candice!

- Candice!

- Candice!

- Candice!

Dinner! Is it okay if I hang out

over here with you guys?

Sure, Candice.

Let your landlord, Pearl,

take care of it for you.

Randy, set a plate!

Ma, I'm trying to focus!

[GRUNTS]

This anniversary gift's never

gonna look casually artful!

What's casually artful?

Well, it's like a thing

that doesn't seem like

it takes a lot of work

but it kinda does and--

- Here's a heart.

- Eureka.

Children are the future.

[SIGHS] You're not gonna

believe what happened.

Josh?

Where have you been?

- My wallet got stolen!

- What?

- Oh, my God, are you okay?

- No! I'm not okay.

My freaking Togo's card

was in that wallet.

I had nine punches on it!

Aw, they got the thread, too?

[INHALES SHARPLY]

I never had time

to get the thread.

It took me a lot longer

than I thought to get that BJ.

What?!

[BIRD SQUAWKS]

BJ! Bird Josh.

Uh! Josh!

You had one job!

WOMAN: The Fashion District

is now closing.

Ah!

Consuelo, wait!

I need that fabric!

[LAUGHS EVILLY]

Oof! Ah!

No!

Ugh!

We're never gonna make

this quilt in time!

Maybe Bird Josh can help.

Go on, find our car, boy!

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

[SQUAWKS]

Love you, too!

He's not coming back.

That's not what he's saying.

What was that?

I don't think we're alone.

Hey, that's the kid

who stole my wallet!

I worked hard for

those Togo's stamps!

[GRUNTS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Oh.

Whoa!

Ugh!

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

You know, you can't just take

things that don't belong to y--

I mean, maybe you can?

I don't want any trouble!

[BRITISH ACCENT] No, please,

good sir. Scold us some more.

Oh, you guys are just kids?

Wh-Where are your parents?

These are the only

parents we got!

[BRITISH ACCENT] Mind the

world-class stitchwork, sir!

Grandad just got

into an accident.

He got trampled

by horses, he did!

Oh, my God.

So you guys are

really good at sewing?

Oh, Josh, you find

that Togo's punch card?

- Mummy!

- It's Mummy!

Yep, here she is!

Why are these adorable

British street urchins

calling me Mummy?

They're gonna make

the family quilt for us!

Josh, they stole your wallet.

They're bad kids.

Please, miss,

we're not bad kids.

My name is Calamari.

And these are my friends--

Walleye, Tilapia,

Troutface, and Scrode.

[BRITISH ACCENT]

It's pronounced "Scrawd"!

Can you really make

a quilt for us?

Yes, we can!

And all we ask for in exchange

is some sweet, sweet parenting.

Ehhh?

We're making

a quilt for Candice ♪

A family tree quilt

for Candice ♪

These orphans took us

to this factory ♪

Dangerous machines,

so much to see ♪

It kinda all smells

like rat piss ♪

But we're doing it

all for Candice ♪

Oh, my God, that kid

just fell in a vat ♪

Did anybody else

notice that? ♪

And I think that kid

is hand-less ♪

But we're doing it all

for Candice ♪

In a cave,

a giant rat attacked us ♪

But we're doing it all

for Candice ♪

[WHISTLING]

Wait, this totally isn't

a sweatshop, right?

Maybe?

But we're doing it all

for Candice ♪

[BOTH GASP]

ALL: Ta-da!

Whoa.

Everyone's gonna see

that we're totally the best

parents at that school!

Can we ask one thing before

we give you the quilt?

- What?

- Could you tuck us in?

Of course!

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

Sorry I spent all our money

on zoot suits and churros.

Sorry I got too obsessed

with bargaining.

I don't know if it's the

moonlight through the smog

or the toxic fumes

in this alley,

but you look so sexy

when you're being a good parent.

Scrode likey.

[GIGGLES]

- Hey, you.

- Hey, you.

- Last night was so great.

- Really great night.

Really, really great.

Aah!

[ALL SNORING]

What happened to

the British kids?

How'd they get so gross?

We're not gross,

and we're not kids,

and we're not British!

- What have we done?

- It's 8:00!

We've gotta get this quilt

to Candice before school!

[ALL GROANING]

Mummy. Daddy.

- We're not your parents!

- Of course you are.

That was the price

for the quilt, remember?

Remember?

TOGETHER: Mummy. Daddy.

Run!

[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]

Josh!

Get 'em!

- [GASPS]

- [WHISTLES]

[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]

[GRUNTS]

[♪♪♪]

- Aah!

- Aah!

[SQUAWKING]

Bird Josh, you came back!

[WHISTLES]

[SCREECHES]

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

Bird Josh!

No!

Josh, get in the car!

[TIRES SCREECH]

[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]

[SNIFFLES]

He was a good bird.

He was a great bird.

[LAUGHING]

[BOTH SCREAM]

Sign me up for karate classes!

[TIRES SCREECH]

Aah!

Let me know when the calendar

comes out, boys!

All your sweet little asses.

Oh, my God!

Is everything okay?

Well, everybody's fine,

and they managed to get

Candice off to school,

but it certainly wasn't pretty.

Had to cut Alex out of the vent

like he was a can of tuna.

[GASPS]

Alex was stuck in the vent?!

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

She said everybody's fine!

[ENGINE STARTS, TIRES SCREECH]

Dumbass white people.

Hi!

I made my quilt patch

all by myself!

- Oh.

- Oh.

That's really great, Candice.

I'm so sorry guys.

Thank you.

We learned a lot.

About Candice.

About each other.

But mainly we learned

we never want to have kids.

So glad we got divorced

before that happened.

Gotta say, you get

a solid "F" in my book.

[BOTH GASP]

Which stands for "Finally

doing something right."

Most parents at this school

don't even let their kids

do their own projects.

[BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY]

Get rid of it!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Aww!

This is so

Boring.

Ugh.

[LAUGHING]

Can we at least swim

in the pool?

No. Look, don't

ruin this for me.

I won thumb w*r fair and square,

so we're looking at open houses.

Oh, uh, I don't know where

to throw this garbage.

Oh, wait-- shazam!

Just contemplating

how overcrowded L.A. is

in my two-acre backya-a-a-ard!

Ah, yeah, that's the stuff.

You don't even drink tea.

Yeah, because I can

never find it.

If I had these tins, I would

drink tea all day, son.

Husband.

All day, husband!

[GRUNTS]

[SIGHS]

I'm in the kitchen ♪

I'm in the living room ♪

I'm in the kitchen ♪

I'm in the living room ♪

Ha!

Can I try?

See?

Open houses aren't boring.

I'm in the kitchen ♪

I'm in the living room ♪

I'm in the kitchen ♪

I'm in the pool ♪

[LAUGHING]

No! Josh!

Jack-knife!

[SCREAMS]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

EMILY: I can't believe

you got us

kicked out of that open house.

Hey, I said I was sorry.

Now can we do something

we're all

into?

No!

Don't touch anything!

I'm this close to connecting

Garfield to Jesus!

Are you drinking moonshine?

No!

That's disgusting!

That's my urine.

Uh

we'll just go in through

the kitchen.

BRIDGETTE: Watch out!

[GRUNTS]

Seriously? You had to do this

in the kitchen?

Alex was taking up

the whole living room.

Ugh.

Get in here, Candice!

Your body is a paintbrush

that your spirit inhabits.

[GRUNTS]

[SINGING]

Look, honey, we have a drawer

like the open house.

It won't slam!

[GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

[CHUCKLES] Look, Em--

chandelier!

I think I'm just gonna go

for a walk, get some air.

You don't want to use

your body like a paintbrush?

Nah, you guys do your thing,

I'll go do my thing.

But we should do

a thing together.

Is that thing cleaning up

this overcrowded apartment?

Nah, there's gotta be

something better.

Hmm.

[GASPS]

Oh, my God.

Wait.

I've always wanted to be

a Family Bike family.

- [LAUGHS]

- On your left!

Wha-- Wha--

[LAUGHTER]

Where's your family, loser?

Ooh.

[GASPS]

That's what we'll do together.

A family bike!

Emily!

Huh?

She left 30 minutes ago.

[SIGHS]

Never gonna be mine, never gonna

be mine, never gonna be mine.

But there's no harm in looking.

[♪♪♪]

Perfect house,

perfect house ♪

Perfect hous-- ♪

[GRUNTS]

Oh, my God!

I am so sorry!

No, no.

I couldn't agree with you more.

This is the

perfect house ♪

Are you gonna put in an offer?

Me? Nah.

To save money, my family lives

with a divorced couple,

so open houses are more

of a guilty pleasure.

Me too. I just like

to come check out

how the other half lives.

[CHUCKLES]

Also, at home, my kids

write on the walls with sh*t.

Uh

Oh, is this your daughter?

Daughter?

[CHUCKLES]

No. I'm--

Whoa! You're superstar

Mona Arizona!

Yeah, my real name's Caitlin.

What brings you here, Mona?

Well, I'm an emancipated minor,

so I like to go to open houses

because they represent

the normal life

I'll never know.

When you work as much as I do,

you start to fear

that you'll look back

on these years and think,

"Where did

my childhood go?"

Yeah, my triplets love you.

They sing your songs

all the time.

Whoa! Triplets?

Yeah.

They can't sing.

It's really bad.

Don't forget to check out

the guest house.

A happy family like yours

must have lots of visitors.

Oh, no, we're not--

Oh, come on, Mom.

Let's see where

Grandma's gonna stay.

Um

No harm in looking.

Right hon?

Actually, I need

to get back to

[♪♪♪]

You know what?

Sure thing, hon!

Wink!

Huhuhuhu.

The feeling you get

when you're not at home ♪

But you're running around

at someone else's home ♪

No worries, no cares ♪

'Cause your real family's

not there ♪

Yeah ♪

No scheming, no cleaning,

this world's in between ♪

Yeah, no bull crap,

no fights, just laughter ♪

Every ni-i-ight ♪

No wonder you escaped ♪

To an open house ♪

There are no worries

in an open house ♪

Reality's blurry in

an open house ♪

Why don't you stay a while? ♪

Open house ♪

No, you're not in denial ♪

Open house ♪

Okay I've got

my algebra homework,

my Spanish homework,

my history homework

Is there any subject

you don't have homework for?

Haha!

Lunch.

[CANNED LAUGHTER]

Hey, wait a minute.

Where is my lunch?

Mom didn't pack it.

Come to think of it,

where is Mom?

You guys!

[STUDIO AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Do you

Do you guys hear that?

Oh, it's probably just

the Cohens' bat mitzvah party

next door.

[CANNED LAUGHTER]

Uh

Uh, Mom, you look like you

could use a glass of water.

I think you're right, Caitlin,

but I'm pretty sure

your mom pronounces it--

"Pinot Grigio."

[STUDIO AUDIENCE WHOOPS]

Yeah.

Water.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

The Family Bike is here!

Sign here, please.

Hey, how'd you guys

get here so fast?

I only ordered it

like 20 minutes ago.

Says here you ordered it

three days ago.

Three days?!

Where the hell is Emily?

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, the orders for those

Emily real dolls

are all backed up.

Got mine last week, though.

Lot of fun, lot of fun.

Isn't this song great?

No.

No, it's not.

Guys, something is wrong

in this house.

You know how I wanted

a glass of water?

Well, look.

Nothing.

So I think,

"Hey, maybe the fridge.

Oh, but it's probably empty

like the rest of the house,

Emily."

Nope.

It's packed with

paintings of food.

Emily!

I had a glass of water

an hour ago.

Why don't you let me try, huh?

[IMITATES WATER FLOWING]

[GULPING]

Ah!

[CANNED LAUGHTER]

It's not funny!

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

JOSH: Emily!

Emily, where are you?!

Josh?

Oh, my God!

I'm at the open house,

but something's

wrong here.

Emily?

Emily?

[DIAL TONE]

[GRUNTING]

Emily!

Baby!

Emi ly!

Come back!

Where's your family, loser?

[DEMONIC LAUGHTER]

What a beautiful day.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it!

[STUDIO AUDIENCE "BOOS"]

Emily!

There you are.

Hey, I'm Dave, Emily's husband.

What?

I'm Emily's husband.

Josh! Don't come in,

don't close the door!

What the hell?

O-O-O-Open House ♪

Try the window!

Let's check upstairs!

What's going on?

It's a set, Josh.

This whole thing--

it's a sitcom.

Well, how do we get out?

I don't know!

[BLEEP]

[STUDIO AUDIENCE GASPS]

Hon, I know you're upset,

but we can't say

stuff like that here.

We'll lose our audience.

- That's it!

Maybe if we do stuff

you can't do on sitcoms

we can get out of here!

[BLEEP]

[BLEEP]

[STUDIO AUDIENCE "BOOS"]

[BLEEP]

What else can't you do on sitcoms?

I don't know.

How did any of this even happen?

And who is that guy that

keeps calling you "hon"?

Um that's--

Mom, why does this guy

call Dad "that guy"?

And why does the girl

call you "Mom"?

And why do I love this water?

Are you cheating on us

with another family?

Um well

I

uh

[♪♪♪]

[GASPS] The music.

That's it.

We have to follow

the format, not fight it.

I'm calling a family meeting.

[STUDIO AUDIENCE "OHHS"]

The truth is, I haven't been

real with any of you.

Josh, I came here because

sometimes I feel overwhelmed

by the chaos at the apartment.

I know we chose

to have roommates

so we could afford a better

school district for Candice,

but just once a week,

I like to imagine life

with a little more peace

and order.

Open houses give me the strength

to deal

with the weird art projects,

the exposed wires, and Alex.

There's something really wrong

with that guy.

Dave, Caitlin, I can't be a part

of your family anymore.

I'm sorry, but it's time for me

to go back to my real home.

I understand.

But is it okay

if I just stay here?

My triplets are a real pain

in the tuchus.

[CANNED LAUGHTER, CHEERING]

[♪♪♪]

[SIREN WAILS]

I've never been so excited

to leave an open house!

Let's go home.

- Michelle?

- Dave!

Where you been?

There's something wrong

with the kids.

They're making this weird noise,

and they won't stop.

Uh

Dave!

You b*stard!

Don't you shut me out!

Don't you dare shut me out!

Ah, thank God.

Classic Dave!

Whataya gonna do with me?

[CANNED LAUGHTER]

Classic Dave ♪

[LAUGHTER]

You were right. This is fun

for the whole family.

- On your left!

- Hey!

Nice family, loser.

[SIGHS]

Oh, hey, I got you something.

Tins!

Now you can finally drink tea.

Thanks.

Look out!

How do you stop this thing?

[CANNED LAUGHTER]

Does anyone else hear that?

[♪♪♪]