01x06 - Marshal City

[bunniefuu]

IN TRIBUTE TO
MORRIS AND GOSCINNY

[man mimicking woman screaming]

Help, help, somebody save me!
I'm being chased by a mean sergeant!

[mimics sergeant laughing]

I have cornered you now.

[man as hero]
Let her go, you two timing snake!

[man mimics woman screaming]

Hang on,
are those Queen Crow's voodoo dolls?

No, this is Charlie.

This is me. And this is
that good-for-nothing sergeant!

Is there anything you won't steal?

Let him tell his story
or we'll never know what happened.

Thank you. So, as I was saying...

Let her go, you two timing snake!

Or I'll have to pow, pow,
pow, pow, pow, pow, pow!

[laughs maniacally]

[as sergeant] You should try to aim
instead of talking so much.

[mimics tree falling] Boom!

[as Charlie] How wonderful!

What incredible dexterity, Joe Dalton.

Maybe, in fact, you're the man who really,
truly shoots quicker than a shadow.

[as self] That's just my job, dollface.
But you, how did you get here?

[as Charlie] I dug my way out of the mine
after I blew everything up. Kaboom!

That's the sound of the expl*si*n.
The blue coats also got out of there.

[as self] Tell me, why are they after you?

They want to stop me from accomplishing
a mission of the utmost importance.

The fact of the matter is...

[mimics horse neighing]

[as horse] Something very bad
has happened to Luke and Louise.

- You really made my horse Jolly talk?
- Well, yeah, I'm simplifying

so that you understand,
and stop interrupting me, pretty please?

Because something very big
is about to happen like this!

[laughs maniacally]

[as Charlie] My goodness!
The sergeant's still alive.

[as self] Save yourself, Charlie!
I got you covered.

Go accomplish the mission
you didn't have time to explain to me,

and I...
I'll find Louise, I promise you.

[mimics Charlie gasping] Really?

- [as self] Yes.
- [as Charlie] Truly?

- [as self] Yes.
- [as Charlie] For real?

- [as self] Yes.
- [as Charlie] Thank heavens. Then go.

Save her. You are her only hope.

You are my only hope
You are our only hope.

You're the hope of all humanity.

On top of that, you're handsome.
You're handsome as your mustache.

It's so gorgeous. Give me that mouth.

Yeah. [mimics breath trembling]

The facts, Joe. The facts.

This is authentically authentic,
and I'm severely underselling it.

[♪ western music playing]

CHAPTER VI
MARSHAL CITY

[♪ dramatic western music playing]

[Luke] The trail stops here.

She might have stopped here
for food and supplies.

"Marshal City, population 138,
marshals 138."

Okay, so super sketchy town.

You mean a town that has rules,
that has order and sensible people.

[imitates Luke mockingly]

[bartender] Hey, wait a minute.
Come back here.

In the name of the law,
you're under arrest!

For purchasing an item
with inexact change.

I said you could keep the difference.

Yeah, sure. And then I'll end up in jail
for fencing copper.

[seamstress] Hey, wait a minute!
In the name of the law,

you're under arrest
for walking over the speed limit.

[bartender sighing]

[jailer] Agreed, however,
you're no longer in your jurisdiction.

- [bartender] Right.
- [seamstress sighs] Oh, my God.

Overzealous practice of the law.

Let's drop the charges.
On a legal technicality?

- [bartender] Hmm. Okay.
- [jailer] Hmm.

But I don't have my keys.

- Do you have yours?
- No, I don't.

[seamstress sighs]

[flies buzzing]

DOGS ELEPHANTS
NOT ALLOWED

THIS BUSINESS DOES NOT
ACCEPT PESOS UNDER 100,000 PESOS

CELLS STRICTLY RESERVED FOR OUTLAWS

FITTING ROOMS STRICTLY RESERVED
FOR CLOTHED PEOPLE

EVERY OFFENDER RISKS PUNISHMENT
OF 2 MONTHS IMPRISONMENT

DO NOT FEEL DO NOT TASTE
DO NOT SMELL

What the hell is this--

[woman] Stop! Don't move a muscle!



Law No. 367

THE SIESTA of your NEIGHBOR
YOU SHALL RESPECT

- [Louise] Mmm.
- [Luke] Mmm.

So that's why nobody's here.

Not a horse, not a hen. No men, no women.

[woman] With your nonstandard spurs,
they would have got you

for daytime noise disturbance.

Up to three months of community service.

I've never heard of that law.

- I've never broken that law.
- You guys need to keep up.

Everyone from the banker
to the mailman has a colt and a star.

One hundred and thirty-eight
marshals and jurisdictions,

each writing 138 laws a day.

Are these laws legal?

They're all certified.
They all swore hand to padre's bible.

So, are you also a marshal,
like an old lady marshal?

Oh, no, I'm a normal old lady
from the town next door.

I came here to buy a few things
for my grandson's birthday,

but I did something really awful.

I f*ndled the apples.

Fondling fruit is prohibited.
Two months in jail.

Law 614
Forbidden fruit, YOU SHALL NOT TOUCH

- What?
- [woman] And as soon as I got out,

I escalated.

I was coughing too loud,

laughing too quietly,
yawning with my mouth open.

That's criminal recidivism.

Wait, how long have you been stuck here?

It'll soon be a whole year.

Tomorrow is my grandson's 11th birthday.

I hope this year I can bring him
the apple pie I promised him

before I spiral again.

I'm a dangerous outlaw.

[exhales] No, you're innocent. I'm not.

I'm the dangerous outlaw,
they're the dangerous in-laws.

- [horse neighing]
- Yep.

[Louise] Oh, sh*t!

[panting]

IMMOBILIZED
BEFORE IMPOUNDMENT

- Hey, that's Charlie's!
- [Louise] Yeah, it's her coat.

That horse, have you seen
the woman that it belongs to?

I have, but I'm sorry to say
she's with our lord now.

- Did they execute her?
- What? Of course not.

She got a month of housekeeping
for illegally parked horse.

She's sweeping the church.

- [gasps]
- [Louise] Mama.

Louise! [gasps]

[Louise] Mama.

- Why slap me now?
- Why slap me twice?

And why were you kidnapped?

You know exactly what it was for.

I hit you twice because you promised
to protect my daughter

and instead brought her here

As for the kidnapping, let me explain.

I still don't get it.

This is Elizabeth Zee,
the Governor of New Mexico.

Rich, powerful, and dangerous.

I've seen her before.
She gives money to your school, no?

That's right.
She's the perfect governor on the surface.

Her charity is a cover
because her donations are bribes.

She corrupted everyone.
Soldiers, politicians, outlaws.

Zee is a spider who weaves her web.
Who devours those who cross her paths.

An anti-corruption mayor,
a progressive priest,

a journalist with too many questions.
They've all disappeared.

And the CTLD thingy?

That's the code Louise found in your bag.

The CLDTLMQPC.

Checklist of dirty,
terrible lowlife meanies

and questionable people in the conspiracy.

I mean, these people are super bright.

- So, what's the conspiracy about?
- I haven't managed to figure that out yet.

But with a governor like this
as its leader...

- New Mexico's in danger.
- [Charlie] My thoughts exactly.

One thing I know for sure

is that step one of her plan
starts tomorrow at the Herrero Ranch.

A hacienda less than two miles from here.

So, that's where I'm going to stop her.

[Luke inhales, exhales]

Who are you?

So, you're not a teacher.

Yes, I am. But only part time.

So, what's the other work that you do?
Are you a vigilante?

Oh, no. You mean like, uh,
him over there with his g*ns?

No, I investigate, I track, I expose.
I just raise awareness.

Yeah, so a vigilante.

[chuckles]

I've caught a few bad guys, you know?

But see, I was surprised how big it was.

At first, I was investigating
the theft of funds by an oil businessmen.

- But when I traced back the money--
- When did you have time to do this?

- [Charlie exhales]
- [gasps]

My Spanish classes, and piano.

You made me take them at night.
Was that the reason?

Um, but also for you to learn how
to play the piano and speak Spanish.

- Did Toukom know this?
- He did.

- He knew it was risky.
- What about me?

You forgot to tell me you.

You stuck a bunch of books
in my hands and locked me in.

You told me to be afraid of the world
while you were off playing detective.

- I would've wanted to go too--
- Hey, I know that!

Why do you think I did what I did?
As a baby, you escaped your playpen.

- It's in your nature.
- And who did I get that from?

From you, or someone else?

I wanted to protect you.

No, you wanted to protect yourself!

See how hotheaded you are?

I get that you want to be dramatic,
but that's a confessional.

[sighing]

[priest] A man's hat on a woman is a sin.

Is that written in the Bible?

Well, it's not very becoming.

And I think God agrees with me.

He doesn't have to worry,
it's a woman's hat.

Not just any woman.

Although she's nothing special.

Calamity Jane.

[priest] The Sioux feather
from the attack on Black Hills.

The bear claw mark on the trim.

And there's even the b*llet hole made
by Jack McCall.

You're not lying.

Okay, so religion and hats are your thing.

So, we need to find a way to stop Zee.

[Charlie] What do you mean "we"?

Well, you can't dismantle this
all by yourself.

Well, actually, that's what I'm doing.
And I'm not counting on anybody,

given the number of dishonest people.

Uh, something I'm not.

My bad. Dishonest or cowardly.

[Joe laughs]

Okay, can we talk
about the company you keep?

Hey, watch it!

Right now, our priority
is to get out of here.

In the last 12 hours,
I tried to leave three times.

Each time I almost went to jail.

If you break a law,
a marshal cuffs you.

They see everything.

They won't be so smug
when I start sh**ting.

Joe, there's 138.

[inhales deeply] Yeah.

But the thing is,
I'm a huge fan of Mrs. Jane.

In a very sacred and holy way.

Don't get too excited.
She's rather disappointing.

Oh, I'm starting to feel
a terrible scent of envy arise in me.

Hail Mary. Hail Mary. Hail Mary.
That should do the trick.

Although, since you're here,
would you mind if I touched it?

If you want,
but it belonged to a big liar.

Please, no blasphemy.

I'm not. I'm just warning you.

You know, telling a lie
isn't always a bad thing.

Sometimes it protects those we love.

[♪ mellow western music playing]

[sighs in relief]

No, don't go!

So, I'm ready to forgive you,
but no more lying.

Okay.

Who is my father?

- Okay, I get it.
- [sighs]

You want to know who your father is?

Your father?

It's me and only me.

- I raised you, I loved you, and I--
- I'm sick of this sh*t!

Louise, don't! Don't slam--

In the name of the law,
you're under arrest for slamming

a sacred door.

- Let my daughter go.
- Unlawful yelling in the house of God!

Come on! You're going to jail.

Indecent footwear attire.

- Wait, but I was--
- I don't care.

[chuckles]

Okay.

[prisoner coughing]

[Luke sighs]

[Charlie] Okay, I need to find a way
to pick this lock.

Yeah, sure, let's pick it.

Your mission always
has to come first, right?

But everything else,
like your daughter, you don't care about.

- She's not wrong. [clears throat]
- [Louise] Hey, nobody asked you.

Maybe my mom's not perfect with me,
but at least she's done it with me.

As opposed to you,
who runs away from everything.

She's not wrong.

Okay, so you're both
just lousy human beings.

Actually, the least lousy one,
well, it's Joe.

And the least incarcerated.

Oh, no.

Joe, you're a marshal?

- What about us?
- What about you?

You two don't deserve to get out.

Between you, who slapped me twice
even though I saved your butt,

and you, 'cause you're Lucky Luke.

This girl needs stability and guidance.

And as a matter of fact,
I am officially her legal guardian.

Right here. Look. You see?

I wrote the document,
I signed the document as a marshal.

- Jailer!
- [jailer] Mmm?

He's not a marshal, he's Joe Dalton.

You good-for-nothing snake!

I swore an oath on the Bible.

You good-for-something marshal.

- That's just--
- [Joe] You know, Luke, you were right.

We have to follow the law.

Since when do you have a Bible?

The 50 weaved baskets

for the feast of Saint Catherine
at Santa Memoria.

You know, when I was a nice guy.

The pastor was so happy,
he gave me this as a present.

[chuckles]

Ah, Lucky Luke in prison.

Louise, try to reason with your guardian.

We need to stop, Zee.

No, we need to stop talking.

[sighs]

THE 110 COMMANDMENTS

YOU SHALL TELL THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH,
NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH

Okay, newbies. I want this to be spotless.

Or your community service fine
will go from 10 to 30 days, understood?

And no funny business,
or it's back to jail.

[all chattering indistinctly]

- [sighs]
- Hey, what are you doing here?

I was caught touching an apple.
I just can't help myself.

I'm a recidivist.

This is driving me nuts.
We're in the worst town ever,

surrounded by marshals.

It was hard enough
getting out of the church.

Don't worry. We'll find a way out.

Like I said before,
there's no "we" in find.

You know, I'm just trying to be nice here.

Just admit you're upset Louise is here.
No shame in that.

Ooh, vigilante and therapist?

- You've changed, Luke.
- Could you stop being so smug?

Smug? Pfft. I'm not smug at all.

That's funny. Even when you say
you're not smug, You're smug.

Says the smuggest guy I've ever known.

Well, that's probably why I know it
when I see it then.

[woman] Shh! Not so loud, you two.

Didn't you read
the 37th commandment of the saloon?

It's forbidden to air out
your dirty laundry while doing the dishes.

All offenders will face
the boss in a duel.

In a duel?

A duel is perfect, right?

[clears throat]

You know, because, uh, there may not be
a "we" in the verb find.

However, when it comes
to the most aggravating

and irresponsible ball breaking b--

[♪ dramatic western music playing]

So you're not giving us pistols?

'Cause if there are no pistols,
that's not a duel.

Yes, it is.

It's a civilized duel.

Stand ten yards apart,
and the first one to say bang wins.

And if I win, I'm free to leave, right?

Yes. But if ever you lose,
we'll sh**t you.

Don't worry, not with a weapon.

Okay.

So then...

- Bang!
- Hang on, it hasn't started yet.

Oh, okay.

- Now then?
- [seamstress] Yes, we can start.

- Bang!
- Too early.

- But you just told me that--
- Okay, now you can go.

- Bang!
- Hey, come on. I wasn't ready yet.

- What?
- [seamstress] He wasn't ready.

- Bang!
- You didn't c*ck your g*n.

But...

- Bang!
- [seamstress] Too early.

- That's five times.
- We still have rules.

[sighs]

- Bang.
- He needs to yell for me to hear.

- Let's start over.
- What in the name...

[inhales]

[sighs]

[♪ tense western music playing]

Let's go.

- Bang!
- [bartender] Bang!

- The person on my left wins.
- [laughs] Yes!

Uh, no, I was the first one to say bang.

But it was your seventh bang.
You were out of b*ll*ts.

[sighs in exasperation]

[chuckles proudly]

Forget about it. I'm unbeatable.

[people chattering indistinctly]

[Charlie chuckles]

Come on, stop pouting.

It's humiliating, but you'll live.

- It made you happy, sounds like.
- [Charlie] It didn't.

Well, okay, maybe a little. [chuckles]

[chuckles]

[both laugh]

I screwed up, right?

No, don't say that. Zee hasn't won yet.

- We're gonna get out of here--
- That's not what I mean.

It took me a while.

But I came back, you know?

- I'm sorry, what?
- Twenty years ago.

I came back for you.

There was a guy with a bouquet of flowers
I'd never seen before.

They were exotic flowers, yeah,

he crossed the whole county
to bring them to me.

Wait a minute. So you came back?

- But why--
- [Luke] Did I leave again?

Because I saw you,
the girl, and her father.

No. No! That was just a guy
who was trying to get me in his bed.

But that takes more
than a couple petals.

And Mr. Willow,
what did he do to catch you?

There's never been a Mr. Willow.

It's the name I chose for myself,
the family name I chose for Louise and me.

[chuckles]

So, Willow, as in weeping willow?

The tree where we carved our names,
wasn't that on a weep--

- No.
- [Luke] Yes, it was.

And I remember our very first kiss
was under--

Unrelated.

[sighs]

Willow was for the tree
where Louise had her swing.

So you're wrong. [clears throat]

[chuckles]

[Luke chuckles]

ABRAHAM LINCOLN VISITS THE MUSEUM
OF THE DESERT IN LAS CRUCES!

[sighs, clears throat]

Okay,
I think they've learned their lesson.

- Let's go free them.
- Sorry, sweetie.

That's not part of the plan.

Today, it's beef and potatoes
and squirrel hunting with your Pa.

[Louise] I don't think so.

- I'm against making animals suffer.
- Well, I'm all for sufferance.

Not just for animals.
So I want you to sit up straight,

put down that stupid newspaper
and be happy and start eating

what I spent ten hours making for you
so we can enjoy some quality time!

I don't eat meat.

You're a Dalton.
We're meatetarians. So eat your meat.

Okay, Joe, it was funny while it lasted,
but now you're getting on my nerves!

- Is that how you talk to your father?
- Never.

But my guardian can bite my horse's--

Be careful, young lady.
I will not tolerate your insolence.

I'm warning you,
if you walk through that door,

I'll lock you up for the rest of...

- [door slams]
- ...your life!

[grunts angrily]

In the name of my law,
come back here!

I'm ordering you to stop!

Sorry, my son,
but your orders no longer apply.

The young lady
just left your jurisdiction.

- Great. Okay, goodbye.
- [grunts]

However, she's entered into mine.

[chuckles]

So if she's in breach of patriarchy rules,
just tell me.

Wait just a second. Oh...

[♪ ominous music playing]

[priest] No!

No, no! No!

No! No!

[Louise] I know how to get out of here!

[priest] Don't move, you're under arrest!

[g*ns clicking]

I'll be sentenced to death?

Oh, yes.

So that means I'm allowed
to have a last request.

What do you mean?

You mean there's no law
protecting a convict's last request?

Uh, yeah, there is.

Well, mine is for you to read a psalm.

Please read, Father.

[priest clears throat]

"And God said to Cain, 'Hey, Cain,

"'come over here a sec.

"'You were very not nice,
uh, to your brother,'" there.

Please read. The words.

[marshal priest clears throat]

"And as the burning bush was burning,

and as the house of sin was burning,

and as the saloon of Jack McCall
was burning,

Calamity Jane slowly rode off
into the sunset."

Thank you, Father.

You all swore an oath on this book.

So, you all swore...

to be marshals on a work of fiction.

CALAMITY JANE
LIFE AND ADVENTURES - VOLUME 2

I know, lame.

So, I guess that means
nobody here is a marshal.

- [Louise] No.
- [seamstress] Wait a minute.

Who will arrest us
for impersonating an officer?

- [doors slam open]
- [man] We will.

We don't mind.

Did you really have
to give 'em all of your weapons?

They're part of the U.S. Army.

They're corrupt
and on the wrong side of the law.

Yeah, and we no longer have a side, so...

Hey you, you're not a marshal.

Why are you following orders?

Because I'm a jailer, that's what I do.
Jailing runs in the family.

[sighs]

[man clears throat]

[groaning]

Please excuse his manners.

He's somewhat cross
that you tried to bury us alive.

[groans, winces]

Come on, tell me where
are the CLDMPQ...

O?

The... The CM...

LL... The CL... D...

- [sighs]
- The... The...

It gets complicated when
there's more than three letters, right?

- [punch landing]
- [groans]

Be reasonable.

You know what we're capable of.

You remember your old Native friend.

[grunts]

Just stop. It's useless.

Can't you see we're screwed?

- Wait, they got you too?
- Yeah.

- Did you put up a fight at least?
- Of course I put up a fight.

But they surprised me.
The first one got my groin on his knee.

The other one,
I strangled him with the rattlesnake.

- So you were sleeping?
- Yeah.

[Luke] Hmm.

It doesn't matter. I kinda knew
that I wasn't really a marshal.

Wait, you are.

Your Bible is a real Bible.
You didn't swear on Calamity Jane.

Ah...

No, I don't get it.

I never thought I'd say this to you, Joe.

But you're the only real marshal
in this town.

Please, sir, we have a failure
of justice right here.

[♪ dramatic western music playing]

Here! I got these back for you.

Also, really important,
how does it feel being my deputies?

- [laughs]
- Well!

[sergeant] So, where is it?

Hey, blue coats!

- [g*ns click]
- [gasps]

- [g*ns click]
- [sighs]

[all gasp]

[gasps]

[all panting]

That jailer guy,
he must have emptied our g*ns.

And maybe you didn't check 'em.

I didn't check 'em. You didn't check 'em.
So nobody checked them?

They didn't check them.

Come out! Slowly. We won't hurt you.

- [Joe] Mmm-hmm.
- [Luke sighs]

What do we do?

- We g*n them down.
- How can we? We have no b*ll*ts!

Yeah, but we have g*ns.

[puffs, grunts]

- [sighs]
- [growls]

- [body thuds]
- [exhales]

Thanks for the distraction.
It allowed a real man

to come and save the day.
Isn't that right?

- [body thuds]
- [sighs]

Thank you, sweetie.

Not far from there...

[dog whines]

[guard] Good day.

What a charming little town you have here.

[scoffs]

Even if it does lack a bit of color.

[dog barks]

- Regarding our upcoming event.
- [dog barking]

[dog whining]

- For this event--
- [dog barks]

Rin Tin Tin. With me!

- [barks]
- [guard] I'm sorry.

[chuckles] He thinks
that "with me" means bark.

- [barks]
- Rin Tin Tin, sit!

- [barks]
- Oh, "sit" means bark too, then?

- Rin Tin Tin, quiet!
- [barking]

- [scoffs] This dog is a major moron.
- [whining]

Uh, I guess he just wants
to participate in the conversation.

- He's a funny dog.
- [barking]

[♪ ominous music playing]

- [whispering] Listen carefully.
- [whines]

Or I'll do unforgivable things to you.

[dog whining]

I don't think you'll ever
see that dog again.

What did you say to him?

The same thing I'll do to you
if you disappoint me.

This man.

I would like you to tell me where he is.
I'm going to need him.

- He's a monster.
- No.

He's the person
every monster is afraid of.

So, to lead an army of demons,
I'm gonna need the devil.

Lightning

[inhales, clears throat]

[sighs]

So, you guys are leaving right now?

Yeah, we're going
to the Herrero Ranch to stop Zee.

I think I'm gonna stay here.

What do you mean?

Well, this town needs a marshal,
and I'm having fun.

[chuckles]

Also, I brought you this for the road.

Since you're an animal lover,
it's just potatoes.

I'm really sorry for what I said earlier.

I'm not your father.
I'm sorry I lied.

Why'd you do that?

To bug the sh*t out of Luke.
That's the official version.

And also because I loved your mother.

I would have loved
to have had a daughter like you.

A family.

[children laughing]

[Louise] You miss your brothers.

You're really like your mom, you know?

Way too smart for me. [chuckles]

Your mom and I were never together.

She just taught me to read.

I was crazy about her, but,
uh, her heart was already taken.

- I know, I saw.
- [Joe] You saw?

You mean in the dream world?

You sneaky little girl.
You didn't say anything.

- You actually could be my daughter.
- [chuckles]

[chuckles]

[Louise] Do you think he's my dad?

Why don't you talk about it
once and for all?

I don't know, I mean, um,
we have so many things to take care of,

uh, a few emergencies?

- The U.S. to save.
- Ah, cowardice.

The fear of knowing the truth.
Now, that's just like Luke.

[sighs]

- Whoa!
- [gasps]

I didn't touch them!

- Yes, you did touch 'em!
- No. No, no.

Yes, you did touch them.

- You did.
- [sighs]

- So I'm sentencing you...
- Joe!

...to touch them over and over
until you find the best apples

for your grandson's apple pie.

Go ahead.

Go ahead, yeah.

- Touch all you want.
- [gasping]

[Joe inhales]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[♪ foreboding music playing]

ABRAHAM LINCOLN VISITS THE MUSEUM
OF THE DESERT IN LAS CRUCES!

THE PRESIDENT LEAVES BOSTON
LAUNCHES HIS TOUR OF AMERICA!

THE HEAD OF STATE PASTES STICKERS

LINCOLN STOPS IN NASHVILLE

THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
DISCOVERS DALLAS AND ITS CRUEL UNIVERSE!

GRAND TOUR OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN
IN THE WEST ONLY 6 DAYS AWAY!

[Charlie] Are you okay, Louise?

Zee's conspiracy,
it's about Abraham Lincoln.

He arrived in New Mexico today.

She wants to k*ll the President
of the United States?