02x06 - He Thinks It's All Over...

[bunniefuu]

RADIO: 'The Cobblers are a week

away from potential promotion.

'Can they do it? I know

I've got everything crossed.

'But now, here's George

Michael and Aretha Franklin.'

'Things were coming to a head.

'While my dad was

flying high'

Just take those

off for you, Alan.

'..I was down in the dumps.'

Now we'll put these on you.

'Headaches had become

the bane of my life.'

OK.

Now, is this better with

or without?

Oh, with, thank you, Duncan.

OK, let's move

onto the other eye.

Thank you, bye.

Oh, what a lovely man.

Delightful.

Duncan said my

left eye is a 2.25,

and my right eye is a 2.50.

You couldn't write it.

I was thinking about

going for a round frame,

but then Duncan said, "No, no,

just stick with the square frame,"

and I thought, "Do you know what?

Duncan, he knows his stuff."

I got my hair done

at the weekend.

Duncan's got hair. It's brown.

You all right, gaffer?

Hang on. Is that you?

'62 to '68.

Ah, we were tougher then.

Not as pacy, but

definitely tougher.

Feeling nostalgic?

Yeah, I am a bit.

20 years, gone in

the blink of an eye.

We just have to do the

town proud, you know?

SIGHING: Richard Hill.

This match could

make you a hero.

Yeah - people buying you pints,

women falling over themselves

to try and sleep with you.

It's not about that.

It's about inspiring

the next generation

to take on the

beautiful game. Mm.

And then they'll tell their

kids, who'll tell their kids

all about the time that

Northampton Town won the league.

I bet your kids are

absolutely buzzing about it.

Mm.

Oh, Jackie.

You know how I've been

getting those headaches,

and we couldn't find out why?

Well, I went for

an eye test, and

You're not Jackie.

Well spotted.

No, she's gone.

Got an acting job and

waltzed off to Corby.

Without telling me?

I mean, I knew she had a

callback for a musical,

but that wasn't for a month.

I didn't think she'd get it

Neither did we.

So soon.

'Dad said picking

a team was tough.

'But had he ever tried picking an

outfit for a post-match party?'

Hello? What do you think?

Perfect. If you wanna

look like a headrest.

Oh, Graham, please!

SHE SIGHS

Polka dots?

Oh, it's only C&A.

It's got to be right.

I'm gonna be standing next to

players' wives and girlfriends.

'Wives and girlfriends.

'If only there was a

quicker way of saying it.'

I'm gonna feel

like such a frump.

Look, have they dropped any hints

as to what they might be wearing?

What about Dawn? Or Moscow

Magda? They did, actually.

Maxine's wearing a little

blue off-the-shoulder number,

Magda's in a bikini,

and Dawn

has got a pretty little bonnet

on her pretty little head!

You look fine. I'm

not going for "fine".

Lovely. Lovely.

Ms Gideon's gone!

Oh, thank God for that.

She's just upped and left.

Maybe now you'll start

concentrating on sport

instead of flouncing

around in tights.

I need her!

No, you don't. You're a growing

lad, you can look after yourself.

You don't need bloody

Carmen Miranda

holding your hand.

'My dad, reading

the room as usual.'

PHONE RINGS

Douglas White Opticians, Pamela

speaking, how can I help?

Hello? Can I speak to Duncan?

Mr Harper.

I'm afraid he's at lunch. Can

anybody else be of assistance?

I just wanna speak to

Duncan, he'd understand.

Maybe I could help.

Well, I can't see

my friend any more.

Because of your prescription?

No. She's moved to Corby.

Is this a hoax?

'Wasting an optician's

time is criminal offence.'

'Criminal? Could

things get any worse?'

I've got A*DS, and my

girlfriend's on heroin.

I need my fix.

I'll even sell my telly.

Oh, Candy.

When I get a job, I swear,

I'll protect you

and the triplets!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Right, come on, let's

get out of here.

But we need feedback!

Ms Gideon always gave us

constructive criticism.

You were both

rubbish. Happy now?

Right, c'mon, break

time. Out, out, out!

Well, I enjoyed being

your girlfriend.

Aw, thanks, Kay.

I enjoyed being your

boyfriend-slash-dealer.

It could be good to see what

it feels like in real life.

You and me?

'Even blue slushy

hadn't put her off.'

What?!

Kay! What are you doing?

I don't know, sorry!

Is it the heroin?

Oh, God.

'Another person had

walked out of my life,

'leaving me with nothing.

'Well, apart from a

triplet-slash-pillow thing.'

MUSIC: 'More Than

This' by Roxy Music

Hey. Hey. I've told you before.

Do that top button up. Oh, no.

'Millennials will

never know the panic

'of seeing someone

you want to avoid

'and having to manually

wind up a car window.'

Hey. Hey!

Big game tomorrow, eh, Graham?

I bet It's all right,

I know what you're after.

Go on, take 'em.

Headmaster's privilege.

No, no, no, I just

came to say good luck.

Oh.

The school's absolutely

buzzing about the game.

I think even the bullies have

given Alan the day off. Ha!

You what? I'm not judging.

Not like some of the other

teachers around here.

No, just just

ignore the comments.

So what if you dropped

the ball with Alan,

you definitely haven't dropped the

ball with the Cobblers, have you?

Top of the league!

You don't get that by being

father of the year, do you?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up a bit.

You've got a lot on

at the County Ground,

and you're never there for him.

Hey, how are you to know

if he's getting a shove

here and an elbow there?

I mean, a little bit of

ribbing, it's normal, isn't it?

And he's coping with it.

Mostly.

You know what, I might

be in the minority here,

but I think you're doing

a decent job, considering.

Oh, hello, Mr Robertson,

everything all right?

Get in the car.

Oh You know, if those

tickets are going spare

I might wanna, erm

Get stuffed! Dad!

Oh, OK. That's the headmaster!

Belt.

Shoe Army!

Oh, that school run was tense.

I don't know what Mr

Robertson had said to my dad,

but I knew it wasn't good.

He'd driven home

without listening

to his Chris Rea On

The Beach cassette,

and he never did that.

Gary Gary

Eat your dinner.

Gary

"Potato waffle, Mr President?"

Boop, boop, be-doo! ♪

CHRISTINE CHUCKLES

Alan

Can I have another goujon,

Mum? Help yourself, love.

I've gotta keep my strength up,

I'm playing Jack the

Ripper tomorrow. Ooh.

Might borrow one of your

marigolds. Ooh, and an apron!

For Christ's sake,

Alan, will you shut up?

I've got enough on my plate without

you making a show of yourself.

All right, Graham. No,

it's not all right.

Is there any wonder kids

are giving him stick,

when he's acting like that?

He doesn't help himself.

'To this day, my dad doesn't like

my Marilyn Monroe impression.'

RADIO: For hardcore

Cobblers fans'

Say when. 'Today could

not come quicker.

'When I'm walking around

Northampton town centre,

'there is definitely a buzz.

'A win against Crewe

'will automatically promote the

Cobblers to the Third Division.

'I've been speaking to people

up and down Abington Street'

Alan! Get up, you're

gonna be late!

Why's he pretending

to be dead today?

He ain't got PE.

We're going to hit all the traffic.

I'll get him. Here you are, love.

Alan. Alan!

Hm?

Rise and shine.

Good morning, sleepy head.

Alan, come on

SHE SCREAMS, DRAMATIC STING

Graham! Graham!

Alan?

Alan!

Ange, have you seen Alan? No.

Oh, he's gone

missing. Oh, my God.

First Ms Gideon, now Alan!

It's like the Bermuda Triangle.

What next, my looks?

Say he's been kidnapped!

He might have been, but with that

voice, they'll soon give him back.

I've called the school,

he's still not there.

Biggest game of the

season, and he disappears.

I'll k*ll him when I find him.

IF you find him.

I'll go check my shed.

Oh, Graham.

Alan! Not in my ear, Graham!

Alan!

Alan! Alan!

Ch Charlie, what?

What? What are you

doing? Mum made me do it.

It's all right,

Chris. It's all right.

I'm doing a reconstruction

of Alan's last movements.

Charlie very kindly agreed to dress

up as Alan on his lunch break.

I didn't. No, you are

not. Get this off.

Ange, this is Above

and beyond, I know.

But I will not rest until

he is found, Christine.

Morning, noon and night, I

will pound these streets.

Have you had any

sightings? No.

Just abuse so far.

Right, do that annoying little

skip he used to do, go on.

And action.

MUSIC: 'Landslide'

by Fleetwood Mac

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Thank God, I've made it.

Are there any tickets

left for Calcutta Or Bust,

starring Jackie

Gideon? My friend.

Take your pick. Oh, great!

'Graham, he's still not back.

'I I don't know what to

do, I've looked everywhere.'

Listen, Christine, he's

teaching us a lesson.

He's an attention-seeker.

Sort your outfit for tonight,

and come to the match.

Graham, how can I sit

there and watch football?

'He'll turn up. Trust me.'

Look, I've gotta go.

Booker's refusing to play

because he's split up

with his girlfriend.

Oh!

Right. You soft bag of

'I wasn't proud that

I'd worried my family,

'but I knew I needed to be

near people who really got me.'

Alan? HE GASPS

No, it can't be. Alan!

Oh, you should be in school!

Oh, you've come all

this way to see me.

What a performance.

The other person in the

audience loved it, too.

Oh, how kind.

There's been some wicked whispers

that a woman can't play Gandhi,

but to hell with them.

I mean, once I've got that bald cap

on, there's nothing stopping me!

How did you change into

Mother Teresa so fast?

SHE LAUGHS No, don't!

You'll spoil the magic.

Anyway, enough about me!

God, I hate saying that.

Erm What have you been up to?

Not much, really.

Same old, same old

I should get going.

You're probably exhausted,

being in that harness.

Stop, stop, you can't come

all this way to see me

and leave after two minutes!

Are you all right?

Oh, Jackie, I'm stressed!

Nothing's going right.

My insides are churning

like a Zanussi on fast spin.

Oh! Mr Chapman took the

drama class instead of you.

He hated my performance.

That is like replacing a

parakeet with a budgie.

And it went weird with Kay.

She tried to kiss me,

and then she ran away.

Crikey, have you tried

changing your toothpaste?

Sorry, sometimes I'm too

damn quick for my own good.

Oh! And then I started

getting headaches!

Oh, I wasn't expecting

that reaction.

And a lovely optician,

Duncan. Really helpful.

He said my left eye's a 2.25,

and my right eye's a 2.5.

He's so clever.

Oh, well, I'm

I'm glad Duncan's helping

you to see more clearly.

Oh, he is.

Oh, look, you're getting

every emotion thrown at you,

but you'll get through it.

You'll survive. Do you know why?

Why?

Cos you're unique.

You're a one-off.

I don't know anyone

else quite like you.

Fab today, Jacks.

Hey, I popped that hummus recipe in

the clutch, all right? Thank you.

Oh, sprinkle some

paprika on it - divine!

Bye, boys.

Er, maybe less blusher next

time on Mother Teresa, Fabrice.

Oh, look. You had an

underwhelming kiss with Kay.

So what? You'll

kiss other people!

Love, it

It's like an egg, you can

have it any way you want.

Fried, scrambled, poached.

A little bit of tabasco

if you like some spice.

I like mine with

soldiers. Oh, do you?

Yeah.

Now, look, with my limited

football knowledge,

I think your Dad's got

a big game tonight.

Oh, he doesn't care if I'm there.

He'd probably rather I wasn't.

Tosh! We've missed

it now, anyway.

Not on my watch, Alan Carr!

SHE WHISTLES Jeremy!

Fetch the chariot!

Where we going?

It's like when Gandhi jumped on

the speedboat in your musical.

BOTH: Get me to

the Ganges, baby!

Got to get a better

outfit, probably.

C'mon, Jackie, sing us a tune.

Oh, no, I couldn't. No, stop!

Pack up your troubles In

your old kit bag and ♪

ALL: Smile, smile, smile ♪

Chronicle and Echo!

SONG: 'Pack Up Your Troubles'

Chronicle and Echo!

Chronicle and Echo!

CHEERING Can you

sign this for Fynn?

Are we gonna win today?

Oh, we're gonna smash 'em.

HORN BEEPS

Thanks, Graham, keep it up!

Dad! Dad, Dad, Dad, I'm safe!

Where the hell have you been?

Let's not worry about that now,

we got him here for kicking off!

SHE CHUCKLES We must

leave you to limber up.

Ignore the crowd, Mr Carr,

just, the noise of it all.

Just focus.

Because that's what

Alan is so good at.

Oh He really is

a remarkable boy.

You must be very

proud. Yeah, course.

I, er

I know he's been

missing someone lately.

Rather taken the wind

out of his sails.

One more game, and

I'll be back home.

THEY LAUGH

No!

No, I meant me!

Oh, yeah. Well,

of course you did.

But

I may be returning to

Easton Lovell! HE GASPS

What? You're coming back?

Well, there's a small chance

of a Broadway transfer

It might fall through.

And so, then, I will

be back next term!

That's amazing! Oh, isn't it?

Well, er, break a leg.

Bonne chance dans le foot.

Er, goodbye.

Come on. Inside.

Bye, Alan. Bye, Alan!

Up the Cobbles!

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Hello, any news?

Ah, he's here. I've

got him. He's safe.

Oh

'Where's he been?'

I don't know,

but he's just been dropped

off by the Village People.

Get your glad rags

on and get down here.

Oh, Graham, I can't.

I look a right state.

'Ange saw some disturbed earth.'

Thought it might have been Alan,

so I've been digging with a spade.

What? 'It was Janine's cat.'

We reburied it and

said an Hail Mary.

Look, I'm I'm covered in mud.

Chris, kick-off's in 30 minutes.

I don't care what

state you're in,

this is the biggest

game of my career.

I want you here.

I need I need you here.

DRUMS BANG, FANS CHAN

You happy now, hmm?

Get all the

attention you wanted?

I ran away because I was

sick of getting picked on.

I was sick of getting ignored.

No-one was there for me.

Lads!

Come on, little man. Cheer up.

No man too big for cuddle.

MUFFLED: Thanks, Magda.

Aw. That's more

like a bear hug.

Excuse me, ladies. See

you on the terraces.

Alan!

'Fun fact - the more

successful my Dad got,

'the more my mum

dressed like Prince.'

I've been worried sick.

Don't you ever run off again.

Do you hear me? Yeah.

Right, there you are.

It's from Duncan!

Yeah.

How do I look? Perfect.

Where's Kay? I don't

think she could make it.

Oh, why not? She always comes

to the big games to support you.

I don't know why, OK? God!

PLAYERS CHATTING

Oi. CHATTING STOPS

Right. This is the moment.

This is the time to go out

there and play your best game.

And I'm not just

talking about winning,

I'm talking about

making history.

In 90 minutes, you

can be champions,

go up to Division Three,

and earn the respect of every

single fan on those terraces.

And just think what

that means to this town.

Boys

Now, I look

at each and every one of

you, and I am so proud.

And I know in the past, I've

been swearing and shouting.

But, in fairness, Banjo,

you can be really annoying.

LAUGHTER

I haven't gone easy on you -

because winning a league isn't easy.

Life isn't easy.

You did that for us, boss.

Course I did.

HE SOBS Sort it out, mate.

HE BLUBBERS

So, for me

You go out there, and you

leave everything on that pitch.

No regrets.

Everything changes today.

That were beautiful, gaffer.

Now, let's get out there

and whip Crewe's arse!

Come on, lads!

ALL CHEERING Come on!

PLAYERS SHOU

Come on! Come on, boys.

Are you still crying,

Richard? You soft pr

MUSIC: 'And She Was'

by Talking Heads

CHEERING

Oh, I love your

hair. Oh, come on.

Come on, boys. Come on.

Who are we? The Cobblers!

That's what I like to hear.

Oh, he's got Murray

on the bench?

I've got a good feeling

about this, boss.

Glad someone has.

WHISTLE BLOWS

CROWD: Shoe Army! Shoe

Army! Shoe Army! Shoe Army!

Come on. Go on,

pass it to him.

Go on! Get in!

CROWD SHOUTING

Penalty! Pen! That's a pen!

Yes!

Come on, boys, you can do it!

Score the ball in the goal!

Go on, Alfie.

Come on, Alfie!

CROWD CHEERING, WHISTLE BLOWS

COMMENTATOR: And that

was Alfie Wellington

CHEERING

Better, better.

Go on! Whoo!

Can't believe it.

HE GASPS Kay! You came?

I had some persuasion.

About the other

day Please, don't.

I'm mortified. Yeah, but

Did you feel anything?

Not really, no. Yeah.

Me neither.

Well, that makes me

feel a bit better.

I mean, never say never.

If we're still single when

we're old, let's try it again.

Say 30?

Make it 40.

Push up. Hold that

line! Hold that line!

CROWD SIGHING

COMMENTATOR: And that's

Stevens with the equaliser.

I knew it. I said, didn't I say?

Come on, switch on!

Switch on!

Heads up! Right, we reset,

we go. WHISTLE BLOWS

Shoe Army! Shoe Army! Shoe Army!

Shoe Army! Shoe Army! Shoe Army!

Come on, lads! We're

great! Come on!

Come on, push up!

One minute, Mum.

We need to score.

Oi! Oi, Graham! You don't

know what you're doing!

Alfie, push up! He

won't even look at me.

Come on, Cobblers.

Come on, Cobblers.

You can do it! You can do it!

Come on, Cobblers!

Come on, Cobblers!

Oi. Graham! Teach your

son some proper chants!

Come on, Cobblers!

Come on, Cobblers!

Oi, Graham, can you hear me?

At least my son's not g*y!

What did you say?

Say that again.

I said, at least

my son's not g*y.

ALAN GASPS, CROWD CHEERS

I'd heard the "g*y" insult

a million times before,

but this time, it was different.

I knew what had come out of

that mean-spirited fan's mouth

had been the truth.

But what really hurt was that he'd

said it to my dad before I could.

So at that very moment, I

realised I needed to change sides.

And find a team of my own.

But for now

Let's party like it's

Northampton 1987!

Come on!

MUSIC: 'Never Can Say

Goodbye' by The Communards