08x13 - Welcome to the Two-Ring Circus

[bunniefuu]

Mmm.

This tea is delicious, Daphne.

[CHUCKLES] What is your secret?

Oh, that's what it is. Okay.

Gemma, really?

These HR seminars are endless.

What is this? "Respect
in the Workplace"? [SCOFFS]

We did one of those at the Fusebox.

I just rounded up everybody,
and I said, "Hey, cut it out,

you know what you're doing."

End of seminar.

Yeah, well, our insurance company

requires a little more than that.

We just have to find a new HR person.

Our last guy got Me Too'd.

He was demonstrating
unsolicited hugging

and got a little grabby.

Well, Dave, you're an HR pro.

Why don't you do the seminars?
You've done a million of 'em.

Sounds like a little bit
of a conflict of interest to me.

I also tend to get a little
grabby with the boss sometimes.

Look, Dave, this is perfect, man.

You're always looking
for an excuse to lecture people.

Well, I am good at it.

Thank you for all the tea, Daphne.

Uncle Malcolm has to go
get changed because

Mercedes is taking him
to the Usher concert tonight.

Oh, my God. Ow.

- Mama.
- What?

- [GROANING]
- GEMMA: Oh! Oh!

Are you okay?

- No, no. My back.
- GEMMA: Oh, no.

My whole damn back.

Oh, son, I've been there.

I mean, the tiara makes it
so much sadder, but...

♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[GROANS]

- Who's ready to see "Ersher"?
- [LAUGHS]

Yeah, about Ersher...

Oh, my God, what happened?

Well, he threw his back out

having a tea party with little Daphne.

Aw. What a good uncle you are.

Well, forget about the concert.

I'll stay here and take care of you.

Oh, no, baby, that's sweet,

but don't be silly. You go ahead.

Really?

Yeah. Have fun. Take a friend.

[SIGHS] Okay, I could.

Or...

I could spend some quality time
with your mom.

Uh, Tina?

Okay, Mercedes,

if you think you're gonna
score points with me

by taking me to see Usher,

then you are absolutely right.

Guys, the hour we've all
been waiting for draws nigh.

You told Marty about my seminar?

No, man, I-I'm talking
about proposing to Courtney.

Oh, great. I hate having
to keep that secret from Tina.

Secrets are meant to be shared
with everyone, Marty.

Okay, I...

Gemma, it just... it took so long
for the ring to come in,

and I still need to get
her dad's blessing,

but April 5th
is the perfect day, obviously.

Why is that obvious?

Uh, it's First Contact Day.

In Star Trek VIII.

The day in 2063 where
the Vulcans and the humans meet?

Oh, that's so sweet.

I don't know what it means,
but so sweet.

All right,
I'm setting up your old room.

I just need to make the bed.

Yeah, well, you may
have to carry me in there.

You should've known better.
I mean, babies are cute,

but they are dangerous.

You must've hurt yourself
a lot picking me up, huh?

[CHUCKLES]
You were a big-a*s baby, but no.

No, I was a young dad.

By the time I was your age,
you were 12.

Thank you for the pep talk, Pop.

Oh, a-anytime, unc.

No, no, look, seriously.

Pop, have I wasted too much time?

You know, my, my little brother
already has a family.

Oh, son.

You're doing great, man. I mean,

you graduated college,
you're a published writer.

Finally found my passion.

Bought my first home.

A-A-And then there's Mercedes.

She is pretty great, Pop. [LAUGHS]

Well, you smiling like
you just cashed a check.

- What's going on?
- [LAUGHS]

That's all right. That's all right.

I know... You're doing good, son.

I'm proud of you.

- You're a mature, grown-a*s man.
- Oh, thank you, Pop.

So which one you want, the
baseball sheets or Space Jam?

Space Jam.

She got a cherry.

She got a cherry!

What are you saying?

You know how Usher always picks
a couple of lucky women

in the crowd and seduces them
with a cherry?

- Yeah, well, tonight he picked your woman.
- Yeah!

Look at that.

[WOMEN SCREAMING OVER VIDEO]

GEMMA: Isn't that cool?

Hell no, that ain't cool.

Oh, my God.

Your girlfriend is trending, Malcolm.

#Mercedes-Usher-cherrybomb.

Yay.

Uh, i-i-i-is Tina in that video?

No, look, it's nothing, Pop.
He just puts on a little show.

[LAUGHS]
Oh, he puts on a show all right.

He just skates around, shirtless,

- all oiled up.
- Oh.

In a fur coat.

Tina better not be in that video.

She didn't take a cherry, Mr. B.

Yeah, that's right. I know she didn't.

What's wrong with it, Calvin?

If I'd have been there,
I'd have been begging

for a cherry like a baby bird.

So...

that old Usher, he's...

something else, huh? He's a wild boy.

Yes, he is.

Ooh, look at that.

Still got my VIP wristband on.

So, he just do whatever
up onstage, huh?

Yeah. You know what? I got to admit,

that cherry thing was a lot of fun.

- Fun?
- Yeah.

Fun for who?

It was just fun.

Don't tell me that you are
on their side about this?

I'm sorry, whose side?

Marty. Gemma. All of them.

They think it's fine

to be disrespectful
in your relationship,

all to get a piece of dirty fruit

from a half naked,
greased up little boy.

Okay.

But in their defense,
I mean, it's not just any man.

I mean, Usher has
the voice of an angel.

Ooh, and he can really dance
on those skates.

Oh, my gosh. Whew.

You know what?
I-I-I guess I'm the only one

that's out of my mind to think

that it's not okay to be taking
fruit from somebody.

You don't even know if he washed

his hands or nothing.
You don't know...

Cal-Calvin, Calvin.

You are acting like a grumpy old man.

Okay, if it'll make you
feel better, I promise

I will never ever let any man
put any food in my mouth

for any reason, okay?

[SIGHS]

Come on, baby, it's chilly.
Let's spoon.

- Come on.
- Yeah.

All the spoons are dirty.

It's a knife and fork kind of night.

DAVE: Welcome to the seminar.

I'm Dave Johnson.

Now, we have two options today.

We can make this dry
and just get it over with, or...

No. No, no. I-I-It's not a vote.

Or... we can make it fun.

Why are we here today?

As Aretha Franklin would say...

ALL: Respect.

I'm still going to finish writing it.

Mr. B. [SNIFFLES]

[COUGHS] Do you have any cough syrup?

Daphne gave me her cold.

This is her way of saying,
"Thanks for giving me life."

I'll look.

- Thank you.
- Whoa.

Do you know you have stickers
all over your face?

Yes.

Do you want me
to help you get 'em off?

No, no. No.

Whenever I'm sick, I break out.

These are covering my pimples.

Oh. Okay, so having stickers
of little flying saucers

all over your face
is better than pimples?

I thought it was
until this conversation.

Can I have the medicine, please?

Yeah, yeah. All right. Uh...

Of course.

Cherry-flavored.

Are you still tripping about Usher?

Ain't nobody tripping off no Usher.

Okay, good.

All right, fine.

Last night Tina and I
got into a little tiff.

- Why?
- Because she agreed with you,

Marty, all of y'all.

Y'all don't see how this cherry thing

is disrespectful to a relationship.

Oh, come on, Mr. B.
Lighten up a little.

The cherry thing? It's just fun.

- Fun?
- Mm-hmm.

If she wanted to have fun,
she shouldn't have got married.

And that is why there is
a difference between saying,

"That's a nice sweater"

and "You really fill out
that sweater."

You get it now, Dan?

Okay, I-I feel like the energy
is flagging a bit,

so, uh, it's candy time.

Heads up.

Ow. You hit me in the eye.

I said, "Heads up."

Okay.

You know what?
Let's open up the floor.

Who here can share an experience

where they felt like
they were being disrespected?

And please remember, no names.

A guy came into the school
and threw candy at my face.

Again, I'm sorry
you don't understand the phrase

"heads up." Anyone else?

I gave a third grader a B.

The parents came after me,

said I was ruining
his chances at Harvard.

Okay, frustrating, I get that.

No, the worst part was,

an unnamed administrator
told me to just take it.

Mm. Yes. This unnamed administrator

seems completely checked out.

MS. DAVIS: They're
supposed to have our back.

Look, that unnamed administrator
has a lot going on, okay?

She can't handle everything for you.

Or he. Let's not gender.

This person used to care too much.

And now she's just like...
[HIGH-PITCHED]: "Whatever."

MS. DAVIS:
Ooh, a-and on Crazy Hair Day,

she came in with regular hair.

We all looked like idiots.

I spent my whole night
putting in cornrows.

[SIGHS]

We're gonna have to have
a separate sidebar about that.

Gemma was busy, okay? She forgot.

- She can't do everything.
- Okay, Tina, Tina, again, no names.

She forgot? She forgot to do her job?

Oh. Now you're saying
that she doesn't do her job?

[OVERLAPPING ARGUING]

Everyone...

[OVERLAPPING ARGUING CONTINUES]

Okay, look out, everyone.

It's cloudy with a chance
of Milk Duds.

- Geez, your back is a mess.
- Yeah.

Just from playing with a baby?

A toddler. Okay?
Way heavier than a baby.

Hey, but look, I, um,

I saw that video
of you and Usher, and...

- Oh. [SIGHS]
- Uh...

So this tension is less baby
and more cherry?

[SIGHS] I guess.

And I know, I-I know, I...

should not care about Usher
giving you that cherry.

- But you do.
- Very much so.

Malcolm, it's just a show.

I've gotten cherries
from Usher three times.

I've taken a rose from Harry Styles.

I've twerked on Drake.

It's not that. I just...

Did you say you twerked on Drake?

Okay, don't tell me you're
one of those controlling types.

Oh, no. No, I am not, okay?
I never have been, ever,

and I've been with hundreds of women.

Okay, 'cause that's not gonna...

Hundreds of women?

No. Not hundreds. I...

Well, Mercedes, the point is,

this... you and me...

it just feels different.

I get it.

Usually, when, um,
Usher gives me the cherry,

he grinds on me and I grind on him...

That's not helpful.

What I'm saying is...

last night, for the first time ever,

I stopped the grind.

Because I was thinking of you.

[CHUCKLES] Really?

Yes. You ruined the grind
for me, Malcolm.

[LAUGHS]

And I know we've only been
together for a few months, but

I've never felt like this
about anyone,

ever. [CHUCKLES]

You've been married twice.

And your point is?

All I know is,

I have spent my whole life waiting,

worrying about making a commitment,

overthinking everything, and...

just wasting time...

way too much time... and now...

...the best thing
that's ever happened to me

is right here in front of me, and...

I don't want to waste another minute.

What are you saying?

I am saying that
I am in love with you.

I'm in love with you, too.

Whew. That's good to hear
because, uh... [CHUCKLES]

...I'm about to do
something crazy. [CLEARS THROAT]

How crazy?

Well, I hope it's not
too crazy because...

...I don't have a ring
or anything like that...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. [LAUGHS]

Are you sure you want to be
my third husband?

No.

I want to be your last husband.

Sadie.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CHUCKLES]

Will you marry me?

Yes.

- Yes?
- Yes.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Now get up and kiss me.

[GROANS] Oh, God. Oh, God. I can't.

- Oh, okay, okay. I'll come down.
- Yeah.

Thank you, everyone.
That's a great session.

All right, let's get out of here.

[SIGHS]
Gemma, we should really debrief.

There are some staff
who feel like the administration

could be treating their concerns

- with a little more...
- Tammy and that weasel Scott

said that you've been acting like

you don't have a damn left to give.

Tina, no names.

Okay, fine,

you know, you have been
a little checked out lately,

but they tore you a new one.

Then Rick, Shoshanna,
Betsy, and Phil jumped in.

Oh, and then Janet
started popping off.

Tina, c-can you
give us a minute, please?

All right, I'm gonna go corner
Tammy in the parking lot.

No, please don't.

Gemma, I... Please take this
with a grain of salt.

You know, employees,
they like to blow off steam.

I don't know.

[SIGHS] I think maybe they're right.

When Grover was here,

I saw the school
through rose-colored glasses,

but now that he's graduated...

I guess I'm just
not feeling it anymore.

You're still doing such a great job,

and you're helping these kids so much.

Am I?

I mean, that's why I got
into teaching, but now?

Seems like I'm just kissing a*s,

raising money,
and helping privileged parents

get their entitled kids
into Range Rovers.

Why didn't you tell me
you felt this way?

Because I know it's a great job

and it pays well,
and the pension is amazing.

I just miss loving it.

[RUNNING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

Tina and Tammy are in the parking lot,

and their earrings are off.

Oh, God.

Calvin.

Hey, babe.

- About last night...
- Mm.

Look, I know that
I can be a possessive,

old-school pain in the butt.

Yes, go on.

I'm sorry.

- You deserve everything that life has to offer.
- Aw.

I want you to have
every cherry in the world.

- Aw.
- Come on, have a seat.

Aw. Well... Why do you
want me to sit down?

Shh...

[SEXY R & B PLAYING]

[LAUGHS]

Oh. Get it, baby.

Ooh.

[GRUNTS] Oh, get it,

- get it.
- ♪ You're already here... ♪

Oh. Aw. You didn't
have to do all of this.

Girl, for what I paid for this coat,

you gonna get these cherries.

Oh. Okay...

[MOANING]

Mommy, Daddy, no!

What?

[COUGHS]

Would you relax? Your mama
just having some fresh fruit.

Yeah. We got to start
locking that door.

Oh, don't worry, I will be knocking.

Oh, hey, guys.
Ooh, terrific coat, Calvin.

Tina, I just wanted
to thank you for... Ooh!

TINA: Yeah.

- Cherries.
- Uh...

Don't y'all have cherries
at your house?

- Hey.
- Oh, no.

No, no, no. Your parents
are not receiving visitors.

I think they're
gonna want to hear this.

Uh... [CLEARS THROAT] Family.

We have an announcement.

Malcolm and I are getting married!

- No way!
- Oh, my God. Beat it!

Oh, this is great.

Oh, baby, isn't this wonderful? Oh...

No!

No. No. No. No, no, no.
This isn't happening.

- Malcolm, you can't do this to me, man.
- What?

You know I've been planning to
propose to Courtney for months.

I paid George Takei $200
for a congratulatory Cameo.

- Marty?
- Will you give me a second, girl?

And here you come. Here you go,

wanting to steal my thunder.
Do you even have a ring?

- I have a ring, Malcolm.
- Marty.

Oh. Um...

Hi, Courtney.

You were gonna propose to me?

You heard that, huh?

You were yelling pretty loud, son.

Okay, you know what? Screw it.

- [GASPS]
- Oh, my goodness.

Courtney Diane Pridgeon,

will you marry me?

No.

- No?
- No?

No?

Look at me. [SNIFFLES]

I'm gushing snot,

I have pimple stickers
all over my face,

I-I have sweatpants on
from the drugstore.

This-this can't be the moment
that I remember

for the rest of my life.

[WHISPERS]:
So all those stickers are zits?

- Yikes.
- Shh. So sorry.

Okay. Look,

this isn't how I wanted
to do this either,

so...

if today's no is another day's yes...

...don't make any plans
for April the 5th.

First Contact Day?

First Contact Day.

[CHUCKLES]

[CRYING]

Calvin, you okay, baby?

Yeah, no. No, it's just,
it's just bright in here.

Okay.

Uh...

Hey, little bro, um,

we didn't mean to steal your thunder.

Yeah, it wasn't planned at all.

It's okay, man. I'm happy for you.

I'm happy for you, too.

You know who I'm happy for?

Me! Oh, my goodness!

I get to have two weddings.

Oh, this is great.

- Two weddings?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna have to return this coat.