03x08 - The Perfect Couple/Match Made In Valhalla

[bunniefuu]

Ooh, I'm excited to check
out this "hot new place"

Josh and 'em are taking us to.

Yeah, I don't know
anything in this area.

Hey. There's the address.

Aaaah!

Hey, guys! You found it!

[ Snap! I Ew.

This isn't exactly
what we were expecting

when you said "dinner."

Ugh!

Pssh! Come on, guys.
This place is a blast!

Okay, we may have neglected
to say this place is for kids.

But it's only because every
time we invite you guys

to something Candice can
enjoy, you don't wanna come!

Yeah, because kids' places are
gross and loud and horrible!

But we have a kid. How are we
supposed to hang out with you

if we don't go to kids' places? Good question.
If we don't go to kids' places? Good question.

Maybe we shouldn't hang
out so much anymore.

As we used to say back
when you were fun...

Outi 5000!

Ah, this
whole place is so sticky!

Ha!
Ha!

Emily: It is kind
of thoughtless of us

to make them tag
along everywhere.

If only we had some
friends who were parents...

I found this app
that matches parents

with other like-minded parents.

Ugh! Meeting strangers
on the Internet?

I don't know.

You know what? Let's do it!

Ohh!

Not gonna happen.
No, thanks. Nope!

Hey. They look alright.

You know what I love
about this line? No kids.

Yeah. Nobody here has a bedtime.

Cokey Brian: Psst! Hey! Up here!

- Ugh!
- Thanks for letting us in!

No problem. It's
my personal belief

that no one should
pay for anything.

Ever!

Uh, yeah, no-doy.

My friends call me Cokey
Brian. I love cocaine.

I can get high just by
snorting trace elements of it

out of the air.

Welcome to the rat's nest.

Finally! Some culture!

It's great to be at a place
for grown-ups for once.

Can we get two
flavor-blasted 'za shots?

Oh, God! I've missed
being around adults!

They'll be here any second.

The only normal family
on that whole app.

- Emily? Josh?
- Hi! We're Evan and Danielle.

From Kindr. And over
there is our little June.

She's a little shy.

This is Candice. She's not.

Well, hey! They're
already a pack!

Can I just say... it's so
nice to meet a normal couple.

We just love being parents.

And we want to hang
out with other people

who love being parents.

Us too!

June! Not so fast!

Sorry. She's so hyper.

We've been taking her to
the park to burn off energy,

but apparently not enough.

Same! Ah. You guys get it.

Kids need to be tired,
but not too tired.

Cheese it! It's the fuzz!

Alex: I don't know how
much longer I can do this.

I've been drunk for
three weeks straight.

Attendant: Riders,
please remain seated,

keeping your hands and arms
inside the log at all times.

Wait. Are all adult activities

just kid activities
with drinking?

Oh, yeah! Front of the log!

Ah, yeah! Front of the log!

Hunh!

Hey! Don't copy me!

You don't copy me, d*ck!

I'll k*ll you!

Cokey Brian, no! What are you doing?!
Cokey Brian, no! What are you doing?!

You guys need to spread out.

Otherwise the logs could
launch off the tracks.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.

Come on! Let's see if we can
really launch this thing!

I don't know, man!
It doesn't feel safe!

I thought you guys were cool.

If you want to be babies,

you should go back to
hanging out with babies!

Put your arms up!

- Unh!
- Aah!

Oh, no!

I'm kind of the world! Ha ha!

It's gone. It's all gone.

They've destroyed
the apple butter,

the apple preserves,
the blackberry jam,

the blueberry orange marmalade.

the cranberry pear jam,

the cantaloupe preserves with cinnamon... What?
The cantaloupe preserves with cinnamon... What?

See ya, fuzz! You're
not taking me! No!

Ah!

Oh, my God. We never should
have bailed on Josh and Emily.

Emily: Jam jail?

Oh. An important text?

Oh, it's some old friends.
Acquaintances, really.

Who didn't want to hang
out with us anymore

because we have a kid.

- Ha ha. Weirdos!
- What else should we order?

Why don't we split the
Skinnylicious Buffalo Blasterz

with a side of
cheesecake nachos?

Ooh, and maybe a
mini corndog salad?

That should probably be enough.

Although we could order
extra and get them

to put it in a doggy bag.

June loves leftovers.

We were so bummed when we
saw you didn't bring her.

- Oh, she's here.
- Excuse me?

We wouldn't leave our dog-ter
home alone. We're not monsters.

Did you just say "dog-ter"?

What the hell?! You told
us you were parents!

Josh, I'm offended!
We are parents.

Just like you.

This is a dog!

It's nothing like
raising a human child!

Everyone always says that.

But we do the same
things you do.

Take June to the vet.
Check her for worms.

Rub her face in pee when
she has an accident.

Candice, did you
know about this?

Yeah, what did you think
I meant when I said

June had the softest ears
in the whole wide world?

I don't know! You're a weird
kid! You say weird things!

Maybe we should head out.

But our next course
is just arriving.

Okay. We've got one order
of... raw horse meat!

I thought when you ordered that
it was just an ironic name!

No, Josh. They have
everything here.

Uh, can we get some
sandwiches to go, please?

Get to the car, get to
the car, get to the car.

Ugh! I can't
believe we got duped

into hanging out
with those freaks.

Yeah, they're obviously nuts,

but isn't this kind of what
we did to Bridgette and Alex?

We did trick them into
hanging out with us.

You're right. We
should apologize.

What do you want from us?!

We just want you to
admit that raising a dog

is exactly the same
as raising a child.

That's completely insane!

Be careful what you say, Josh.

The children are watching.

Tcch! Tcch!

Did you remember to
validate the parking?

Shiiiiiiiiiit.

Start the car!

Unh!

Aah!

Come on, guys. We
can get past this.

Uh, we can't!

You lied to us about
having a human daughter!

No, you assumed our dog
daughter was a human.

So there's plenty of
blame to go around!

No!

Unh! Why won't you
hang out with us?!

Give us a reason!

Uh...
We're cat people!

Ew! Gross!

Can you believe those freaks?

Hopefully the next
people won't be as toxic.

- Oh, that's a match.
- Yes! Ooh. Yes, yes, yes.

- That's a match.
- Ooh, they look interesting.

Ooh, ooh! That's
definitely a match.

Oh, thank God you
got our message!

We made a mistake! Stop.
We made a mistake! Stop.

You guys are our real friends.

You don't lie to us or dress
up animals like people.

What?

I mean, we're parents, but
we're not just parents.

We can make time to
have fun with you guys.

And we realized that
adult activities

are exactly like kid
activities, but with booze.

So we can just
take flasks with us

to Candice's recitals and
birthdays or whatever.

Oh, I don't think...
That's a great idea!

So... can you bail
us out of here?

Yeah, we talked to the guard.

He said you just need
to pay for some jam?

Alright. Here's
your apple butter,

the apple preserves,
the blackberry jam,

the blueberry
orange marmalade...

So, long story short, that's
why I bring my own salt.

Fascinating.

Uh, excuse me!

I specifically asked
for no mayonnaise.

That's our signature
house aioli.

Mayo is aioli!

Mayo is the devil's
condiment! Ugh!

Bingo. Miss?

I couldn't help but
notice you hating on mayo.

Paul here...

Travis! Whatever.

He also hates mayo,

so maybe you two
can, you know, talk?

All white sauces
are a no for me.

Mayo, ranch.

Urp! The sound of the word
"ranch" makes me want to vomit.

Kiss me, you dreamboat!

And then they made out
over dry sandos. Ugh!

If it makes you feel any better,

I totally crashed and
burned on my last date.

Literally. We went
go-kart racing.

I T-boned her car and
singed off my leg hair.

You have a way better chance of
meeting someone new than I do.

Oh, can you imagine if
you met someone first?

And moved on?

Aah!

Whoops. Sorry about that.

Wouldn't want to accidentally

rekindle our
relationship, right?

Yeah. Right. Like that
could ever happen.

Bridgette! We wanted you
to be the first to know.

Both: We're engaged!
Both: We're engaged!

I hope you don't mind, but we
told all our single friends

that you were the
one who set us up!

- Bridgette!
- I'm desperate!

Me next!

Okaaaaay.

You want me to be a matchmaker?

Everyone I go out
with is a total freak!

Exactly. And all those freaks
want to meet their soul mates.

Alright. Who's ready
to get monogamied?!

Great. Now everyone in
town has a date but me.

Alex: Uh, not everybody.

What'd you lose in the
couch this time, goofus?

My favorite...

DVD.

It's about a Viking

m*rder horse that...

Bridgette here. Hottest
matchmaker in town.

I'm Hannah.

I teach at a small
liberal-arts college,

and I'm looking for a guy who
gets my passion for Viking lore.

Ohh. You like Vikings?

Uh, duh-doy!

And I'd love a guy in
tweed... who wears glasses...

Ha!

And has unkempt facial
hair that kind of smells

like if hummus fermented
in a beard for six years.

If he did exist,
which he doesn't,

you'd hit it off, right?

Ohh, yeah! Alex: It's gone!
Ohh, yeah! Alex: It's gone!

I'm sorry, but I don't
know anyone that...

And now I'll never be
able to find another copy

of "Need for Steed 3..."

Both: "Tales of a Norse Horse."

Is that the Bronze Anniversary
Special Edition?!

And the 14-hour director's cut!

Well, thanks!

He'll get this back to
you after he's done.

Do you wanna maybe
watch this in my room?

Please tell me you
live in a cramped space

with no ventilation.

I call it "a closet."

Ooh!

Hey! What are
you...

Bridgette, you
truly are the best!

Arghhh!

Good morning, Bridgette!

Heyyy. You, uh, slept over?

Yeah! We were up so late

geeking out over
ancient Norse runes.

Ohhh. So you only crashed
here 'cause you were tired.

Yeah.

And we had sex.

All yours!

Greaaaaat.

Uh-oh!

Bridgette doing
chores. What's wrong?

Have you met Alex's new friend?!

No, but are you
maybe, uh, jealous?

Me?! Jealous?!

Eh, don't mind us. Just two
lovebirds looking for a snack.

Chirp, chirp.

I need to get out of here!

So, uh, I'm looking for
someone tough like me.

Casual horseback
falconry? What...

HanbergerLoveJourney?

Ugh! He never made
up a hashtag for me!

Is this a bad time?

No, no. Not at all. Here.

Oh. Okay.

Unh! Guh!

What does he...

I knew they wouldn't work out!

Unh! Ow! We should, uh,
establish a safe word.

Ooh, you're back!

Mm-hmm. What'd you
want to talk about?

Uh, look.

I know things have been weird.

Weird? What? How?

You know, me being with Hannah

and us still sharing
a very thin wall.

Ohhh! That! No, that's
fine. That's fine. I'm fine.

No, I've just been super
busy having similar sex

with tons of dudes.

That's great!

I just wanted to make
sure you were cool

with me and Hannah
before things get,

you know, serious.

Of course! Live your life!

Thanks, Bridge.

I'm glad you're
here to see this.

Hit it!

Aah! Oh, my gosh!

Hannah, my sweet,
tender Viking lover...

Will you marry me?

Of course I will!

Hanberger forever!

Uh-huh!

- Yay, Alex!
- Alex and the new girl!

Congrats.

Alex is on a budget, so
you get to be flower girl

and c*ck waitress!

On it, Dad!

Yeah, a former tenant
left this in his unit.

Actually, he kinda
died in his unit.

What the
hell are you doing?!

Hey! I was using that.

You need to tell Alex that you
still have feelings for him.

Pssh! Even if I
did, which I don't,

this "marriage" won't last!

Once they run out of Viking
shows to watch together,

they'll fall apart.

I give it a week, tops.

Nordic mead or hanberger spritz?

Ah. Auntie Bridgette's cut
off.

Dearly beloved, we
are gathered here

to join Alex and
Hannah in marriage,

a contract not to be
entered into lightly.

No mulligans,
take-backs, or JK LOLs.

Hannah, do you take
Alex to be your...

Wait! This isn't right!

Oh, no!

Told ya so.

Alex, I haven't been
honest with you.

I don't teach at a small
liberal-arts college.

Occidental is more mid-sized.

No, I... Ohh. This
is so embarrassing.

I just have to show you.

I am Hnoss.

The Norse goddess
of lust and desire.

Whoa!

Come!

We will wed in Valhalla

and induct you as
a god by my side.

This one's on the house.

Ohh!

This is... very hot!

Oh, h*, h*, h*, holy sh*t!

He's leaving?! For
real?! For... ever?

Bridgette: Alex, wait!

What in Odin's name?

Bridgette? What's wrong?

I still have feelings
for you, okay?!

I'm sorry I didn't
tell you earlier.

I-I didn't even
realize it myself.

But I had to say something
before I lost you

to becoming a god or whatever.

Hannah, I am so sorry
about all of this.

But I can't marry you.

What?

Not when I still have
unresolved feelings

for someone else.

You're dumping me? I
am a literal deity.

I don't need to settle for a guy

who can't even
commit to eternity.

Hnoss out!

Damn! That would've rocked.

But not as much as this.

So, may I formally ask you
out on a second first date?

I would love that.

But let's take things
slow this time.

I don't want to rush and
mess it up like I usually do.

Well, except for the sex.

That can happen
whenever, wherever.

Deal. Ugh!

Hnoss: I can't believe
I let your gross beard

scratch my face!

Oh, right. Goddess ex.

You blocked her on Insta, right?

We've been broken up
for like two minutes!

Already
with the excuses.