03x07 - Halloween Enough

[bunniefuu]

Dearly beloved, who's ready
for some trick or treatin'?

I am!

Ohhhhh!

Wait, where's Randy?

I'm here.

Alex, what are you
supposed to be?

I don't do Halloween

because I hate how we've
commercialized Samhain.

What's that? Oh,
it's the ancient

and much better festival

that Halloween
totally ripped off.

Yeah, this is gonna
be a no from me.

Uh-oh. Looks like it might rain.

Barely. We can't let a
little rain ruin Halloween.

This is Los Angeles.

We can barely handle
a light drizzle.

Maybe it's okay?

What do we do now?

Randy: We could
watch a scary movie.

How about we watch
"The Simpsons"

until the storm dies down?

"Treehouse of Horror"!
It's a Halloween tradition.

Announcer: "Treehouse of
Horror" has been postponed

until November 23rd

so that we may bring
you the World Series.

And the score is still
tied zero to zero

as we enter the 14th inning.

Turn it off. Turn it off!

Oh, I know. How 'bout
we tell scary stories?

Ooh, yeah!

And we can use
ourselves as characters.

And anything that
happens in them

will be considered non-canon.

Not sure what any of that means,

but yes, let's hear
some scary stories.

I'll go first, because I know
a story that's really scary.

It's about one of history's
greatest monsters...

Alex.

What?

Okay, not cool.

Is this because I
used your toothbrush?

Alex: The night is not over!

Which den of debauchery
should we hit up next?

Antojitos? NBC Sports
Grill? Panda Express?

I don't know, man.
It's after midnight.

I have a family. And a headache.

Just one more place. I'm
sure the next one'll be...

Jackpot.

Really? What kind of people

go to the CityWalk
Margaritaville after midnight?

It's mostly divorcees
and weirdos.

You know, my tribe.

This is my chance, man.

I'm gonna get back out there.
I'm gonna get back out there.

Sorry, man. I gotta tap out.

But don't worry.
We'll do this again

when Candice goes to college!

Roxy: I've seen
that look before.

Best friend ditch
you because he's old

and obsessed with his family?

Nailed it. So,
what can I getcha?

Everything.

Alex, you seem like a guy

who loves kickin' back
and cuttin' loose.

Hell yeah!

I love livin' that island life!

How would you like to
live that island life

forever?

I'm already pretty wasted,

but whatever.

Oh, that tastes
like pennies. Ohh.

Not your finest work, Rox...

Aah!

Rough night, huh?

Actually, it was awesome.

May I be... let in?

I mean yeah, sure,
you live here.

What'd you do, forget your keys?

Wait, your keys are right there.

And you've got
two holes in your neck.

And you're flying.

You got turned into
a vampire at Margaritaville!

Yep, and it rules.

But don't worry.
I'll just bite you,

and then you can stay
out all night every night

doin' cool bro stuff
like sippin' Mai Tais

and sucking people's
blood.

Um, no, thanks.

Like I said before,
I've got a family.

But it's so cool!

You get to turn
yourself into a bat.

Check it out.

I haven't worked out
all the kinks yet.

Yeah, I'm going to bed.

Fine. Wuss out.

But I'm gonna show you how
great vamp life can be.

Pretty soon, you'll be
begging me to bite you.

Damn it.

Get in on this, bro.

Get in on this, bro.

Get in on this, bro.

Okay, you're right.
I'll k*ll him.

What? No. Just
tell him to leave.

Alex: Not now. I'm
straight vibin'.

Hey, man, can we talk?

Before you say
anything else... Yes.

I will absolutely turn
you into a vampire.

Now lemme suck that sweet vein.

No, dude. I'm coming in
here to kick you out.

We're all sick of you being
a selfish undead as*h*le.

Unbelievable.

I offer you eternal life
and bottomless coladas,

and this is how you thank me?

Screw that!

Ha! Sorry, bro.

I'm a Margaritavamp.

That means nothing to me.

Aah! Don't get
comfortable, Josh.

I'll be back with a bloodthirsty
horde of my real friends,

and we'll turn you all.

God damn it! Why
is this so hard?

I think he took that well.

Time to weapon up.

Whoa, that's a cool
way to k*ll vampires.

Vampires?

Hey, guys. Guess who's back

to turn you all into
children of the night?

Hey, Alex. Sorry about earlier.

Would you and your friends
like some daiquiris?

Oh, hell yeah. Never
say no to a fresh daq.

Wait, don't!

Oh, I should mention.

They're non-alcoholic.

What?

No! My tubular dudes!

Ah, I forgot.

So many rules.

I invite you in.
I invite you in.

Oh, forget it, I'll just
send you all an e-vite.

Aah!

Aah!

Eat stake!

Aah!

Hey, guys! It's me,

your beloved upstairs
neighbor, Phil.

Phil!

Couldn't help but notice

you guys were fighting
some vampires,

so I thought I'd stop by and...

Aah!

Phil!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

I want to turn
them, not k*ll them.

It's an honor to be turned
into a Margaritavamp.

We don't just turn any rando.

Yeah.

Also, these guys k*lled
a ton of our friends.

Sorry, Alex. These sons
of a sons of a sailor

are dead meat.

Aah!

Roxy?

Aah!

Alex: Guys, I'm sorry I've
been such a selfish jerk.

I promise I won't try
and turn you anymore.

Can you ever forgive me?

Yeah. Sure. Okay, fine. This was kinda fun.
Yeah. Sure. Okay, fine. This was kinda fun.

Back from whence
you came, hellspawn!

Randy! He was apologizing!

Really? Dang.

Guess that's why they
put erasers on pencils.

The end.

Eh. Morpheus is bored.
Eh. Morpheus is bored.

Whoa, did you just
make that all up?

It's based on actual events.

Ooh, this is good. In real life,

Josh turded in an Uber,

and I got a nosebleed
in the House of Pies.

Okay, that's enough.
Someone else please go.

I've got a story that's extra
scary because it's true.

Well, mostly true.

It takes place shortly after
Alex and I got divorced.

Aw, man. Is every story
going to be about me?

No, you're a very
minor character.

Boo!

What up, Team Bridge?

As you know, I just
finalized my divorce

from Professor Loser

and I figured what
better way to celebrate

than buying myself
some new digs?

I know it looks like a bit much,

but it was pretty affordable.

I think 'cause of
the tacky interior.

Ugh, it looks like the Brady
Bunch was m*rder*d in here.

I mean,
look at these chairs.

Ugh, how tacky.

The kitchen's gross, too.

The sinks don't even work.

Huh. Oh, and check this out.

I didn't think
I'd ever say this,

but this closet is too big.

Anyway, I'm going to
renovate the place.

I even got my BFFs Emily
and Josh to help me out.

Um, that's not normal.

It's so cold.

New place. Check.

Best friends. Check.

Flexing on my ex. Check!

I guess I won the
breakup, DorpSpeed82.

I think I'll be the judge
of who won the break-up.

Oh! Aah!

Ugh, I'm starting to think

this place wasn't cheap
because it was tacky.

It's cheap because it's haunted.

Ya think?

We'll help you move out.

Move out?

This is great content!

What up, Team Bridge?

So, the mansion is haunted.

Hashtag first world
paranormal problems.

To fix things, I called
up Scott and Joe Miller,

AKA the super-hot
House Whisperers.

Okay, these ceilings
might be low,

but the amount of dark
energy in here is very high.

I can tell this house
has strong bones.

And they're buried
under the floorboards.

Unh!

Sound off in the comments

if you think I should
date Joe, Scott, or both.

Okay, guys, let's hold hands.

It's working.

The spirit is among us.

This
house was designed

and decorated by Ludwig
Tom Wright in the 1960s.

Voilà.

My finest work.

Scott: He considered the
mansion his masterpiece,

but everyone called it tacky.

Philistines!

You wouldn't know a good
house if it collapsed on you!

Ludwig died from embarrassment,

binding his spirit
to the building.

No one shall ever
renovate this house!

To this day, he will not
allow any renovations.

Okay. Cool light show and all,

but can you guys fix the place?

We must eradicate
We must eradicate

the dark energy with sage.

While adding value to the home.

Everyone knows the kitchen
is the heart of the home.

I'll cleanse it with sage

and raise the cabinets to
make the ceilings look taller.

And to give this place
a more modern look,

I'm going to rub some sage on it

and turn the hellmouth
fireplace into a feature.

No!

Those who violate my masterpiece

shall pay the ultimate price!

Aah!

Why the frosty reception?

Going somewhere?

I'm going to paint these
walls with your blood!

Alex?

I came as soon as I
saw the live stream!

I knew you were
cyber-stalking me.

Oh, you're right.

You won the breakup.

I'm an emotionally
vacant man-child.

I shouldn't have worn shorts
to your grandmother's funeral.

Ow!

Yes?

Your haunted house
stream is dope.

Can we come in and take
some pics for the 'Gram?

What is... the 'Gram?

What up, Team Bridge?

Welcome to my haunted house!

Everybody say what-up to Ludwig.

Anyone want to take one with me?

Woman: Nah.

What are you doing...
Oh! Is that sage?

Ohh! Obviously,
you're still into me.

Ugh, so thirsty.

The end.

Oh. It is way past
your bedtime, Candice.

But I haven't been scared
once yet, and it's Halloween.

Oh, you wanna be
scared? I'll scare you.

But as soon as I do,
you're going to bed.

Deal? Deal.

Here's a little story
called "The Magic Pumpkin."

Aw, that doesn't sound scary.

"That Wanted to k*ll Candice"!

Ooh!

Stop sneaking into my
phone to change your name.

Stop having such an
easy-to-guess passcode.

Are you leaving
soon? Soon as I can.

I just need to finish up here. Cool.
I just need to finish up here. Cool.

Don't forget to pick up a
pumpkin on your way home.

Candice has that pumpkin-carving
contest at school tomorrow.

Oh, I'll just steal
one from work.

Perfect!

Who's ready to carve a
genetically modified pumpkin?

We are. Aah! We are.

How did you even reach that?

We're going to have
to move that higher.

I'll find a way.

That's weird. Did you hear that?

It was probably the air
leaving the pumpkin.

Emily: Aww, it's
actually kind of cute.

Let's take a selfie with it.

Aah!

How do you keep getting that?!

Can you guys stop
screaming your heads off?

Aah!

Aah!

Alex? You don't even
celebrate Halloween!

I was doing
that Samhain thing

I mentioned at the beginning.

Aah!

How about a slice
of pumpkin die?

Heh. What'd I miss?

Pumpkin guy k*lled Alex,

then almost k*lled me.

Then Candice totally
saved the day.

Whoa.

Sucks to be Alex.

Oh, sh**t.

Now I don't have anything for
the pumpkin carving contest.

I have an idea.

Mr. Campbell: And our
third place finisher

and person taking home
this random PEZ dispenser

I found while doing
self-checkout at CVS...

Candice. Yes!

Great work, Candice.

Very scary, but I'm going
to throw it away now

because it's
attracting ants, so...

No offense, Mom, but I'm
practically falling asleep.

What else you got?

Mom?

Mom?

Dad?

Alex?

Bridgette?

What the butt?

Storyboard artist: Oh,
God, I'm so behind.

Where are you on that

Ferris wheel rolling
down the pier sequence?

Wait, I thought you
were drawing that.

The pitch is in two hours!

It's Bagel Friday, everyone!

Bagel.

Need nourishment.

Aah!

Calvin: Key card.
Help, help, guys.

Dad! Could you please
Dad! Could you please

stop bouncing that thing?

I can't hear myself think!

Oh, this is actually part
of our creative process.

Uh, Dad?

Oh, hey. Are you on a tour?

Here. Your parents probably
won't let you watch this show,

but have you seen this one?

Aah!

Calvin: Hey. Can
someone let me in?

I forgot my key card.

Gabrielle: Josh, did you get
your head stuck in a pumpkin?

Mom! Wait.

Let me try that softer.

"Josh, did you get your
head stuck in a pumpkin?"

You're not my mom.

Is everything okay, sweetie?

Whoa. This little girl
looks exactly like Candice.

Who? Candice? Who? Candice?

You know, my
character on the show?

Oh, sorry. I don't
watch cartoons.

Character... on the show?

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, wow, is that Candice?

Oh, dude, it's Candice!

- Candice! Candice!
- Can I get an autograph?

Aah!

Candice, are you okay?

I had a nightmare where we
didn't go trick-or-treating,

and you all tried to
tell me scary stories,

but none of them were scary,

and then it turned out we
were in an animation studio!

No, we're real.

We just watched a scary movie,
and it gave you nightmares.

Come on, Candice,
it's time for bed.

Josh, did you get your
head stuck in a pumpkin?