03x01 - Where the Buffalo Roam/Venice Vengeance

[bunniefuu]

Wow. Today ruled.

Best wedding I've ever been to!

Unh! Yeah! Unh! Yeah!

Ahh.

I'm sorry we couldn't
afford a real honeymoon.

Are you kidding? This is great!

We can watch the
traffic on the 405!

I know, but one day we'll
have the ultimate honeymoon.

I promise.

Just gotta save up
that sweet kaish!

To our dream honeymoon!

Mmm!

Holy crap! It's full!

It's full?!

Four hundred dollars?!

Only one musical number
per scene, please.

Man, this sucks.

What kind of honeymoon are we
supposed to take with this?

You could
go to Beverly Hills

and park there overnight.

You could pay some
guy to fight you!

I know! Let's go to Disneyland!

Oh, um, sorry Candice.

Honeymoons are kind of
a "no kids" situation.

After all I've done for you?

Don't worry, Candice.
We'll have all weekend

to play with whatever toy kids
are addicted to this week.

Super noisy cube!

Oof. I guess.

Uh, guys, allow me
to blow your mind.

- Catalina island?
- Ooh!

It's the Palm
Springs of the sea!

I don't know. This
is supposed to be

the most romantic
trip of our lives.

Isn't Catalina a little blah?

Em, I think this can work.

This place has five
out of five stars.

Not a single bad review!

Huh. "A magical getaway."

"A throwback to a bygone era."

Don't forget "Dirt cheap!!"

You know what? Let's do it!

Welp, looks like Dorpenberger
saves the day again.

Up top!

This place is great!

Look!

Hey! Shoo! Get outta here!

Sick!

We're gonna crush
this honeymoon.

Hope you're ready
to make memories

we'll cherish for the rest
of our friggin' lives!

Welcome, travelers!
Welcome, travelers!

Checking in?

Yep. We're in the
honeymoon suite.

Ohh! Newlyweds! I'm honored!

You've chosen one of our beds

on which to consummate
your nuptials.

Oh, no, we've already
consummated our... stuff.

We've been married
for seven years

and are only now just
taking our honeymoon

like a couple of maniacs.

Yeah, so we gotta make it count.

Well, you've certainly
come to the right place.

Here on Catalina, we have
over nine things to do!

We're excited! We saw all
the great reviews online.

Oh, by the way, what's
with the buffalo?

They're actually bison.

They were brought to Catalina

for a silent-film
sh**t in the twenties,

but the director never
returned them to the mainland

because, well, he went insane.

Noice. That's terrible.
Noice. That's terrible.

Oh, they're completely docile!

Anyhoo, I'm afraid the honeymoon
suite is still being aired out.

Okaaay.

But, on Catalina, no
guest is allowed to leave

without having a perfect trip!

So, for your inconvenience,

we're offering you a
complimentary tour!

Oh! Wow!

Honeymooning in Catalina?

Why not try our
Romantic Canoe Ride?

Self-guided.

Both: Best honeymoon ever!

Josh: Whoa!

Or Lover's Leap.

Both: Best honeymoon ever!

Frederica: Or our
Unlimited Pasta Bar.

Unh!

Both:
Best honeymoon ever.

Frederica: Sunsets? We got 'em!

Both: Best honeymoon ever?

Emily: Aah!

The horses destroyed my crotch.

I feel like Mike Tyson
punched my junk off.

But we're having fun.

On the only honeymoon
we'll ever have.

Of course! Dream honeymoon.

I mean... the view.

Love the view.

Great view.

And not too many bison.

Not infested at all.

And we have two whole days left!

Two more days?!
Wow! That's just...

I mean, yay.

Anyway...

I need to go get some ice
for every part of my body,

but when I get back,
it's lovin' time.

Ohh! Oh, no. Oh, why?

How'd they get it so noisy?!

Hey, chica. How's the 'moon?

Catalina's a nightmare!

Every time we find
an ounce of romance,

a frickin' buffalo shows up!

Been there.

Josh is so desperate, but maybe
we should just give up on it.

I know it's hard, but
if you're miserable,

the best thing you can do
is call the whole thing off.

- Hang on! Who's that?
- Emily.

Catalina sucks, so she's
thinking of ending it.

Ending it?!

Yeah, you're probably right.

I hope this doesn't
break his heart.

Eh. It might.

But I think the best thing
now is for you to divorce.

Not on my watch!

What was that about? Who knows.

Anyway, I was gonna say.

"Divorce yourself
from this trip."

Weird choice of words, I guess.

I like it!
Non-traditional usage!

Aah! Pick up, pick up, pick up!

Josh: Hey. It's Josh.
Leave a message.

Josh!

Don't move! I'll be there soon!

And whatever you do,

don't accept any papers
Emily serves you!

Aah!

I'm coming, Josh!

Waaah!

Ohh!

20 minutes of this, and I'll
totally be ready to bone.

Yeah. I'm very
much "in the mood."

Actually, Josh I know how
much this trip means to us

because we waited
forever to take it

and we're getting
older and we probably

won't take another romantic trip
until Candice goes to college,

so I've been pretending
to have a great time,

but in reality, I hate it

and I hate the bison
and I wanna go home!

Holy crap. I didn't
want to say anything

because I thought maybe
if I just kept shouting

"best honeymoon ever," it would
become the best honeymoon ever,

but it's actually the
worst honeymoon ever

and it makes me sad!

Ohh! I'm so relieved!

The last ferry off this
rock leaves in an hour.

The sexiest, most romantic
thing we could do is get on it.

Let's do it!

Oh, no! Checking out early?

Yeah, gonna catch
the last ferry.

Hm. Did you already make a baby?

No. We just want to get home.

I think Catalina
kinda wasn't for us.

Kinda... wasn't for you?

The view is nice, but the
buffalo are a bit much.

They... are

silent-film era... bison!

Places!

I'm afraid we can't
allow you to leave.

For you have discovered the
island's darkest secret.

What secret?

Catalina

sucks.

Aha! I knew it!

We simply can't have
you leave a... ugh...

A four-star review.

Lady, you're about to get three.

Prepare for attack scene!

Annnd... action!

Oh, no! The ferry!

Oh, I would like to apologize
for any inconvenience

you may have experienced
during your stay.

As an apology, please
accept these two tickets

to hell!

Alex: Josh! Emily!

- Unh!
- Alex?!

You saved our lives!

I think you mean...
your marriage.

- Ugh!
- Holy sh*t! Who's that?

Hospitality
is my passion.

Yeah. Don't worry about it.

Let's get off this sh*thole!

Cut! That's a wrap!

Alex: Ha ha! Whoo-hoo!

Unh!

We did it right
the first time, didn't we?

Yeah. We did.

Both: Mmm.

Well, Alex, you did it, buddy.

You saved the day again.

Pearle: Unh! Ha ha!

Sun's out, bun's out!

Oh, man! I can't wait to
sink my teeth into some...

Both: Hinano's world
famous burgers!

We better hit it. You know
the line's gonna be long.

While we're on the boardwalk,
you and Pearle have fun, okay?

No doy! Sandcastles rule!

Y'all do your thing. Candice
is safe here with me.

Ooh! This could be the chimney!

Man: Ow! What the hell?!

Ha ha! Classic Venice!

Come on, Pearle! Get in here!

Sandcastles are so much fun!

Sometimes.

Castling can make your day.

Or break your spirit.

So... you in or out?

Whoa! How'd you do that?!

Heh. Maybe I still got it.

Well, well, well.

Hello, Pearle.

Didn't think you'd show
your face back here

since I humiliated
you 63 years ago.

Sam "The Sandman" Sanders!

Don't you know there's no
trash allowed on the beach?

If you're here for the
sandcastle competition,

forget about it!

My grandson, Little Sandy, and
I are taking home the gold!

Come at me, bro!

Nothing's getting in the way of
an undefeated Sanders legacy!

I didn't even know
there was a competition.

I only build for fun now.

"Fun"? What do we say
about fun, Little Sandy?

It's for losers, and that's why
I'm not allowed to have any!

- I have so many questions.

There was a time in my life
when I castled, Candice.

And I castled hard.

Pearle: It was the height
of the sandcastle craze.

And I was a star of the circuit!

I was the best of the best.

I built my most
ambitious creation yet.

But competitive castling
brought out my worst.

Wow! Mom! Wow! Mom!

You're ruining everything!

But, honey, I'm
just trying to help.

I became a monster.

Get out of here, Mom!

Okay, okay, okay.

Further.

Further!

Further!

But, honey, I'm just trying.

to help! Ugh!

Nooooo!!

I would have won if I could have
just kept myself under control.

The stress was just too much.

I only build for fun now,

and I've made my
peace with that.

Or you could make
peace with crushing

those jerks in the competition!

That would fill an Eiffel
Tower-shaped hole in my heart!

Not literally. My heart's
surprisingly healthy.

Okay! I'm in!

Kicking their butts is
gonna be so much fun!

Both: Ha!

Let's show these newbies
how you really wait in line.

Line's moving. Oh. Right.

So here's the plan.
You start doing stuff,

and I'll go collect the shells.

Stuff?! This isn't
amateur hour, Candice!

This is the real deal!

But I thought... I
came out of retirement

for one reason and
one reason only...

To beat Sanders
once and for all!

So, the whole high five,
"so much fun" thing...?

There'll be time for fun
when we beat 'em to a pulp.

Ladies and gentleman

uh-let's get ready
to shove-e-e-e-I!

Bob: Here comes the first
round of competitors.

Yeah. Real fun.

And now the King of the Beach

will fire the ceremonial
starter p*stol.

Oh, yeah. Here we go.

Oh! These burgz are gonna
be so friggin' juice-ay!

It's 'cause they use that beer
and apple-fed Wagyu meat, man.

The Kobe of Kobe beef.

Oh, thweet! You got burgerth.

You got your tongue pierced?

What are you... 16
and mad at your dad?

No!

But acthually, pleathe
don't tell my dad.

Aw, man! They
forgot the ketchup!

Aah!

Everybody stay calm.

Okay, okay. Stay cool.
Everybody be cool.

No reason to fly off,
you little trash bird.

Get back here with my burgers!

Hey!

Whoa-oa-oa!

Oh, my God, guys! Are you okay?!

So typical, with your

"international landmarks"
and "perfect lines."

But don't forget...
Once a hot head...

Always a hot head! Yeah!

I don't know how
much more of this I can take.

There's no quittin' in castlin'!

Now pick up that barber's
brush and start smoothin'!

Quentin: Well, I don't
know about you, Bob,

but I'm having a Taj
Ma-ball over here!

You can say that again, Quentin!

Pearle nails those chamfered
edges with precision.

Sand dunk! Heh.

And look at the way she rounds
the edges of that dome tower!

Pearle's Girls take the lead!

What? Huh...

Shucky ducky, baby!
h*-oh, alright!

Wah!

Whoa!

Unh!

Oh! Heh! Alright!

Bah! Never send a hippie
to do a beach bum's job!

Bring it on, you
sundried potato!

Bob: Uh-oh! Looks
like these old rivals

are having a heated conversation

with their fists!

Which is entirely allowed.

Competitive sandcastling
has surprisingly few rules.

Keep on building, Candice!

- Hyah!
- Wah!

Hah!

Bob: You know, I
gotta tell you, Q.

Nothing I like more than
senior-citizen combat.

Without it, these
sandcastle competitions

would be unwatchable.

Candice! You're
doing it all wrong!

You're gonna make us lose!

Wah! Give me that!

The melon baller is
for positive carving,

and the teaspoon is
for negative carving!

This isn't fun anymore!

It looks like there's
trouble in paradise!

I will not lose!

Pearle: Noooooooo!

And today's "Oh No!"
moment of the game

is brought to you by Las Vegas's
all-new Children's Casino

where, even if you're
little, you can win big!

What have I done?

Candice, I've made
a terrible mistake.

I got so swept up in
the competition again

that I forgot to have fun!

And I'm sorry.

Will you help me rebuild?

There's not enough time.
There's no way we can win.

Screw winning.

Just build what your
heart tells you to build!

Quentin: Pearle's Girls have
radically shifted tactics.

But will it be enough?

Oh h*!

- Come to daddy!
- Hell yeah!

Uh... Whoooaaa. Uh... Whoooaaa.

No. No!

Ahh! Come on!

Eat meat!

Sun's out, buns out!

I just wanted to win.

Unh!

Owwwwww!

That was the guy who
took our burgers!

Wow. Guess he needed a little

meat on his bones? Ha ha!

Bob: Pearle's Girls
win it! Whoo-hoo!

Candice: Yeah!

Yeah!

Candice, thank you
for reminding me

why I loved building
sandcastles in the first place.

And thank you for teaching me

that winning's cool
and everything, but...

Both: If it ain't fun,
it ain't worth it!

Emily: Yes!

Yeah, Candy Cane! You did it!

Hinano's burgers!

This was worth the
concussion. Heh.

Oh, no. Are you trying
to put it in your ear?

Uh... Oh, no. Your mouth
is in the front, guy.

You're right. Heh.
Yeah, you're right.