02x01 - JOSEPH

[bunniefuu]

[birds chirping]

[footsteps]

[clattering]

[door clicks]

[door clicks]

[muffled moaning]

[door slams]

[light clicks]

-[muffled moaning]
-DISTORTED VOICE: Oh, my God.

Oh, my God...

[moaning continues]

You had ten minutes alone

by yourself down here,

and yet, you didn't
even try to escape.

Mmm...

And why is that?

[moans]

Because you are
the greatest person

that's ever lived.

[contented sigh]

No matter how many times
I scared you...

Boo!

Or threatened you...

you still believed
that I was good.

And that is why you will always

be my favorite...

of them all.

[whimpering]

Shh, shh, shh...

[whimpering intensifies]

I did it.

I did it. I did it.

[heavy breathing]

[screams]

[laughing]

[panting]

[tape clicks]

They say imitation is
the highest form of flattery.

I'm not so sure.

[eerie theme music]

♪

[radio playing]

MAN: Whoa, major deja vu.

Joni said it best.

"I've looked at life from
both sides now."

Wow.

♪

Oh, Eric.

Good old days.

♪

Cute little lake.

Cute little town.

[radio playing]

There it is.

Yellow door.

Mmm.

What is time?

[murmurs]

A little moody up here.

Yes, a little b*tch.

[singsongy]
Ominous.

Should be interesting.

All right, let's see.

"Wanted: someone to film me
for the day.

"No questions asked.

Pays $100."

$100?

Really?

Look, I don't want to judge

my little copycat buddy,

but it feels a little cheap.

Maybe a little disrespect...

-[thud]
-Hi!

Hi.

Oh, my God...

Oh, my God.

This is going to be a good day.

You have a really nice,

kind face.

I've never heard that before.

I'm Joseph.

Your name's Joseph?

Okay, uh, my name's Joseph.

Are you serious?

This is...

[laughing]
Uh, twinzies? I mean...

-Get out of the car.
-Come here.

-Oh, okay, alright.
-Come here.

-What's next, Joseph?
-Okay...

I feel like we should do this
right now because

at the end of the day,
it's gonna be totally normal.

-Oh...
-[groaning]

Trust me, it's not gonna
be weird at all.

-That's all I get?
-I don't think so!

Come on, give me a good one!

HOST JOESEPH: Come on in.
I'm in the bathroom.

-Already?
-Huh?

You're in the bathroom already?

-Yeah?
-[water running]

I know this isn't supposed to be
a shot for shot remake,

but is he really gonna skip
the whole "my life" setup?

That's an important scene.

[water running]

I'm sure you're wondering
why I brought you all the way

out there to film me.

Here's the thing,
I'm a cancer survivor...

What?

-[water running]
-Huh?

I'm sorry,
I can't understand you.

Did you hear anything
that I just said?

Should I start over?

Look, I'm just the cameraman,

but was what you're trying
to tell me important?

-Yes.
-Yeah, then you might...

Wha... might it
have been wiser

to do this dialogue in a place
that's a little quieter...

-[shouting]
-I need you to film me for

my unborn son so that
in case I die...

The volume's great.

It's just the intelligibility.

Like, the tub
is just very loud...

[running stops]

[water dripping]

When I was a little boy,
my mom would give me tubbies.

It was my favorite time
of the day.

We called it...

BOTH: "Tubby time."

Yeah.

I'm familiar.

I love a tubby.
Let's do it!

I don't want to make you
uncomfortable.

But we're going to go a lot
deeper places than this.

You doing okay?

Yeah.

Could be a lot better.

♪ Bow chick a-bow-bow ♪

Let's get that full tubby
striptease!

Come on, Magic Mike...

[overlapping chatter]

[water splashing]

Booboo overboard!

Booboo in the tub!

All right, Mr. Joseph,
I am rolling.

I've got a nice shot
with two candles,

but there's also this
tighter shot

with just one candle.

Tighter is fine.

Yeah, good.

Okay, um,

last thing...

you don't happen to have

a different color washcloth,
do you?

Like, if you had like,
a burnt orange or something...

If you don't mind,
could you just stick

to the filming and let me
stay at my own pace?

-Absolutely, you know what?
-You're totally right.

I'm sorry.
You're the boss.

I'm here to support.

-Okay.
-Go ahead.

Where was I?

You were lamenting that
this was a sad scene,

and that tubby time
should be fun and not sad.

Right, thanks.

Wait, did I say
that part already?

Did I already say that?

Yeah, um, of course you did.

How would I know what you said
if you hadn't already said it?

Right.

And then you said something
about ending it and...

I don't know, something about
k*lling yourself, I think.

It's true.

I could do that.

I could end it.

Do you think about
suicide a lot...

-Would you please stop...
-I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry,
you're right, go ahead.

Please.

You're kinda ruining it

when you hold your nose
like that.

Still, though.

Pretty good at
holding your breath.

Boy, you're really milking it,
going for that Oscar.

[screaming]

[both sputtering]

Look, I'm sorry I tried
to drown you, okay?

I just...

You said you wanted to end it,

and I don't know, I just...

I thought I was helping.

This may sound strange,
but even though we just met,

I consider you a new friend...

Whoa! Major deja vu.

-Did you feel that?
-No.

Yes. Yes.

Two friends.

New friends.

Having a drink, some whiskies,
or maybe some tea.

Oh, and maybe one of the drinks

has been tampered with.

It's from like, a viral video,

or like, a movie
or something, right?

-I don't know.
-Princess Bride!

"Inconceivable!"

"The game of wits has begun.

"It ends when you decide
and we both drink.

Iocane powder."
[sniffing]

"I'd stake my life on it."

Prince Humperdinck, am I right?

Oh, my God.
Chris Sarandon,

one of the best comedic
performances of the '80s.

He's supposed to be this
like, evil villain,

but he's really
this total loser.

It's so funny.
Anyway,

this is gonna be our game.

One good drink, one bad drink.

You decide.

Look, man, we're supposed
to be filming a video for my...

-Uh, hello.
-What do you think we're doing?

Say "hi, buddy."

Hello, little buddy.

Playing a fun little
drinking game

with your dear old dad.

Yeah, it's so fun!

It's so fun!

-I don't understand.
-What's the game?

Okay, all right.

Baby gonna need a little hint.

[exhales]
That was the good one.

This is the bad one.

What do you do?

It's like Speed.
What do you do?

-I don't know.
-What do I do?

Well, you could end it,

like you were talking about
in the bathroom,

or make it exciting.

You could try
to force me to drink it.

A little scuffle ensues,
you know?

But this... look,
this is your movie.

You're the director.
I'm just the cameraman.

Gotta make a choice.
You want to win the game?

Gotta do something.

I... I don't know.

Oh, my God. Okay.

[exhales]

[coughing]

All right.

Well, you win the game.

Congratulations.

I drank the powder.

You're a very strange person.

Did you know that?

-That tastes...
-that tastes weird.

Yeah.

Do you realize what
you've just done to yourself

with your little game?

Do you have any idea
who you're dealing with?

Do I to...

Who I'm... what?

[chuckling]
You're funny.

[both laughing]

Oh, it is a good day.

[thud]

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.
It's such a good day.

[heavy breathing]

[muffled] Well, you've probably
guessed by now

that you answered
the wrong ad today, buddy.

This is the end of your road.

Hey.

Hey...

I don't want you to feel bad
about yourself, okay?

You were up against

a very formidable foe.

I learned from the best.

The best of the best.
Do you want to see?

-You want to see?
-[muffled]

Okay, I found this
on the dark web

-a couple of years ago...
-[distorted screams]

Oh, he blurred out
his face and his voice.

But look... yeah, look.

[laughing]

[indistinct distorted chatter]

He... is the best.

The best to ever play the game.

[video stops]

I may not be as good as him yet,

but I'm getting better
every day.

-[muffled scream]
-Oh, no one's gonna help you.

No one's gonna save you, okay?

[muffled] No, no, no, I
got to tell you something.

What?

-[muffled]
-I got to tell you one thing.

-Fine, fine, fine.
-But if you scream,

I'm going to bury this ax
in your face, okay?

-Okay.
-Okay...

[sighing] Thank you so much.

Okay.

Quick confession.

I lied.
It's not just one thing.

It's two things.

Actually, it's two things
and a question.

So it's technically
three things...

-Okay, just move it along.
-Okay.

First thing,
you didn't trick me.

I voluntarily drank the drink.

-[chuckles]
-That was a wild choice.

Second thing, that mask
you're wearing,

it's really janky.

I think you need to consider
more carefully the brands

you love and how
you represent them.

You really are
a strange person...

Third thing.

Were you in the Boy Scouts?

Yeah.

I thought so.

Because these knots you tied?

They're really good.

But they're not great.

You didn't make it all the way
to Eagle Scout, did you?

No. It's okay, I guess.

But sometimes,
going all the way matters.

Sometimes,

that final knot

makes a big difference.

Sometimes it's the difference

between life and death.

Buddy, you're not gonna talk...

[gasping]

Hey, if I ask you a question,

will you answer me honestly?

When you saw that ax
back at the house,

was there a small part of you
that thought

I might k*ll you with it?

No, no, no...

There's a check in
your boot, Aaron.

How did you know that...

-[singsongy]
-Hello, my name is Peachfuzz.

Oh, my God, what did you...

Did you see the film?

Oh, I didn't have to see it.

I lived it!

[Aaron screaming]

Whoa, whoa, hold it right there.

You know who I am.

You know what happens
if you run.

Come on, let's talk this out.

Come on, take a seat.

It's okay.

Good boy.

Now, listen.

I was really excited
to meet you.

I had very high hopes.

I thought maybe
we could even team up.

I don't want to be
just Daryl Hall

when we could be Hall & Oates.

That way, no one has to die.

-I'm trying...
-No, listen.

The problem is you're not
very good at your job.

-I try very hard at my...
-Don't tell me you're trying.

You're just not trying
hard enough.

But the good news
is there's hope, okay?

Remember in the late '50s,

there was a mediocre cover band

out of Liverpool
called The Quarrymen?

They didn't become the Beatles

until somebody took
a shot on them.

I want to take that shot on you.

-You pity me.
-I don't.

-Yes, you do.
-Well, maybe a little.

You drank the poison last night.

Well, I wanted you
to feel you were doing well.

You let me tie you up.

I am not left-handed.

-I am pathetic.
-I got nothing to offer...

Don't you dare say that.

Every human being has
something to offer.

There's something
you could do right now

that would be un-forgettable.

You just have to be

brutally...

painfully...

honest with yourself.

Oh!

He's got something.

He's got something.

Oh, wow.

Okay, here he comes.

[heavy breathing]

[growling]

[growling intensifies]

This is original!

[eerie theme music]