02x03 - The 9th Caller

[bunniefuu]

["Eka Dawasak" playing]

[dial tone ringing]

[radio host] This is KQMU.

I'm Wayne the Brain,
and you are the ninth caller.

- Who am I speaking to?
- [caller] Oh, my God. What?

- [Wayne the Brain] Oh, my God. Yep.
- What? I'm the ninth caller?

[Wayne the Brain]
Yeah. That's what I said, lady.

[caller] Are you serious? Oh, my
God, no way! Oh, my God! Really?

[Wayne the Brain]
Oh, my God, really.

- Yeah girl, congratulations.
- [caller screams]

Hi, I was the ninth caller.
I won a car for the contest.

Great. All of our ninth callers are
over there getting ready to start.

Oh... [chuckles]...no, no.
I... Sorry, I wasn't clear.

I... I... I was the ninth caller.
I won a car. [Chuckles]

[chuckles]
No, not yet, you didn't.

Now, keep those lips puckered up
and on that car

because we are streaming live at
Moss Motors' Kiss-a-Car contest!

[customers cheering]

[Wayne the Brain]
Let's make some noise!

Now, it's your boy, Wayne
the Brain, live on KQMU Austin.

Now, look,
the contest rules are simple.

Whoever kisses the car
the longest wins the car.

Now, do not take your mouth
off the car for any reason.

And no cheating, y'all, 'cause I
got expert judges right over there,

and they are watching you like a
hawk. Look at her. She ain't playing.

You will get a ten-minute break,
mandated by law, every hour.

That sh*t's
in the Geneva convention.

At the end of that break, you're
gonna hear that song "Kiss Me"

by Sixpence None the Richer.

Y'all remember that song?

Now, by the end of that song,

if your lips are not back
on that car, then you are...

[sad trombone sound]

...outta here.

It's the end of the road
for you.

Enough about the rules. Let's have
some fun here at Moss Motors, Austin!

[cheering]

Okay, guys.
Let's get it popping.

["Born To Do It" playing]

All right.
We're 30 minutes in, y'all.

People looking uncomfortable.

Already. I don't know
why you're uncomfortable.

You didn't even have to buy
this car dinner or nothing.

You just get to kiss it
for free.

- You give up? You done? You done, buddy?
- Mm-mmm.

No one's quitting yet.

We are ten strong.

Ten strong,
still kissing this car.

[exhales sharply]

- [buzzer sounds]
- [customers clap]

[Wayne the Brain]
And that is one hour!

- [cheering, chattering]
- Take a break. Stretch it out.

All right. I'm tired just
looking at y'all. [Chuckles]

I didn't even do nothing.

[partner] You had to do what?

I thought you won.
You were the ninth caller.

Yeah, no, everybody was the
ninth caller. I... Oh, God, I'm so stupid.

[partner]
Hey, you're not stupid.

Wait, so how long
do you have to kiss it for?

I have no idea.

Ah, I can't believe
everybody stayed on so long.

That was the longest hour
of my life.

- [cell phone ringing]
- Oh, sh*t. Sorry, one sec.

Oh, Thaththi's calling.

[partner] Your dad?
Why would he be calling?

You guys never talk.

I do... Do I pick up?

[partner] I guess?

Okay. You know what?
I'll pick up,

and tell him that I'm doing
something right for the first time.

- Except, I'm not.
- [partner] Okay.

Um, okay, okay.
I'll... I'll call back.

- Gotta go. Okay, bye.
- [partner] Okay. Yeah, good luck.

[Sachini] Thaththi, hello?

Hello... Thaththi?

[Thaththi]
Sachini, you called me?

No, Thaththi, you called me.

I did not. I don't call you.

It's so bloody loud.
Where are you?

I'm...
I'm at a kiss-a-car contest.

[Thaththi] Huh.
You have time for such nonsens.

Oh, God.

Um...

[dial tone ringing]

- Hi.
- [partner] So how'd that go?

Uh, it was a butt-dial.

[partner]
Oh. That makes more sense.

So, what's your plan?

It's okay to be the first person
eliminated, right?

[partner]
I bet you can make it to sec on.

["Kiss Me" playing]

Do you have your Xanax with yo?

Yeah.

And I have nowhere else
to go today anyway.

Okay, I love you. Gotta go. Bye.

Oh, Dave been blocking
the tongue right around here.

We've got the defense
with the man spreading.

All right. We got a lady right
here. She about to be out.

Judges, get an eye on her.

Keep an eye on the clock
up there, deejay.

Where are we?
Song's almost over, g...

Oh! She good? She's good.

- She's on. She made it.
- Mmm.

[chattering from TV
in background]

Best crab curry in Sri Lanka. I
could smell the food from the road.

[in Sinhala]

[in English] Ah, sweet Sachini.

I'm so hungry, darling. You can
finish your studies after dinner, no?

[exhales sharply]

Oh, look,
you're getting all worked up.

[chuckles, speaks in Sinhala]

[in English] Thaththi used to
vomit before his university exams.

[chuckles]
Twice. Twice I vomited.

Molecular chem and organic chem.

But then...
Then I came up with a solution.

What did you do?

All right.
[clears throat] Stand up.

Quickly. [Grunts, clears throat]

You want to make yourself
as tense as possible.

Okay? Like this.

When you are anxious.
[grunts] Come on.

Make, uh... Make your body feel
the sensation you're feeling inside.

[grumbling]

[inhales sharply] Now let
it all go. [Exhales deeply]

[chuckles]

- [buzzer sounds]
- All right. That's a break.

[Sachini groans] - You have now
been kissing that car for two hours,

which is longer than
any relationship I ever had.

You know what I mean? [Laughs]

All right. What we're gonna do right
now is go talk to some of these people.

See how they're getting through.
How they're holding up.

Hey there, darling.
You are live on KQMU.

How's your car-kissing going
today?

[contestant 1] My ex was supposed
to be here watching our son, but...

[Wayne the Brain chuckles]
Uh-oh, awkward. [Laughs]

And how about you, buddy? It's pretty cool
your mom's trying to win you a car, huh?

- I'm bored.
- [Wayne the Brain] Bored already.

Well, wait till hour 40.
You know what I'm saying?

[chuckles] Okay. He's precious.
Hell, bless his heart.

- All right. And how about you?
- Hey.

- How's it going?
- Wayne, I'm excited...

Actually, hold that thought.

Excuse me.
Oh, my gosh. Come here.

It is the girl who came in here thinking
she already won the car. [Chuckles]

I gotta ask you. Is it hard kissing a
car with all that egg on your face?

[laughs] I'm just playing.

It's Wayne the Brain here,
with my girl... What's your name?

- Uh, Sachini.
- Ooh, Sachini. I like that. That's fun.

That is a fun name.
That's so fun. "Sachini."

It sounds like, um, "I'd like a...
one glass of Sachini, please."

You know what I'm saying?
Where are you from?

Uh, Austin.

Austin, okay.
But where are you really from?

- Just outside of Austin.
- Okay.

What do you think your chances
of winning this car are today?

Oh, I do... I don't think I'll win. I
just... I just wanna be in the middle.

Oh, she just wants to be
in the middle.

Well, I don't think
you're gonna have any trouble

achieving any of your life goals
with that attitude, all right.

Give it up for Chardonnay,
everybody. All right. She's fun.

"I'll take one more bottle
of Sachini, please." [laughs]

That guy makes this thing
so much more embarrassing.

- [contestant 2] ...is my favorite deejay.
- [chuckles]

Must be hard
having your son here, huh?

Oh, it's the worst.

I just stuck him in the corner
with his iPad,

and I said, "It's not gonna be
much longer now, sweetie."

[both laughing]

Wait, is this really gonna go on
for... [whispering] ...40 hours?

Uh, I don't know.

I just hope it's over
by tomorrow afternoon

'cause I have a shift.

Hmm. Well, I guess,
for the first time,

it's good to be
the loser without a job.

How about you, big man?
You wanna win this thing,

or do you just wanna
"be in the middle"?

Wayne, you know
Subway wants to win it.

Uh, by the way, uh,
I'm gonna need your help.

Hey. Hey, y'all!

Yeah, uh, my name's Jerry,

- but, uh, people just call me Subway.
- Subway!

[chuckles] As most of y'all know,
I won the Toyota Camry in '09

and was a runner-up to a Chevy
two years ago

in a rigged, bullshit,
piece-of-sh*t contest. [Clears throat]

Might I suggest that we all
take turns rotating our stances

- so that we don't cramp up?
- [Wayne the Brain] Okay.

Some five-dollar pro tips
from Subway, guys. [Chuckles]

One of us losers is gonna
win this thing. Why not you?

- ["Kiss Me" plays]
- Oh, sh*t.

[Wayne the Brain] Everybody
get on the car! Kiss that car!

Lips on car. Lips on car.
Lips on car. Lips on car.

[Wayne the Brain] None of y'all are gonna
give up yet, right? That's right. Uh-uh.

Willing to do what it takes
to get what they want.

Kind of like my ex-wife,
you know what I mean? Yeah.

How are my socials doing,
deejay?

Let's check out some messages.

Oh, yeah.
You guys have got some fans.

Stargirl44 says...
Oh, nope, can't read that one.

[child] I just wanna go home!

Okay, Petey, I know how much
this sucks. Believe me, I do.

But I am doing this
for your own good, okay?

I need this car for you.
This is for you, my baba.

- [chattering]
- ["Gamen Liyumak" playing]

[speaks Sinhala]

[in Sinhala]

[in English] What rubbish are
you talking, "don't want to go"?

Sachini, I've sold our house.

I'm leaving my job that I love. I'm
leaving my family and my... my friends.

And... And do you know
why I'm doing all this?

I'm doing it for you.

You are going to do so well
in Texas.

You... You'll mop the floor
with American students.

Your being a success is
everything to me.

[pop music playing]

[grunting, sneezes]

[Wayne the Brain] What's that?
Oh, we got a sneezer.

- Oh! Uh-oh, buddy. [Chuckles] Oh, yeah.
- [sad trombone sound]

End of the line for you, Dave.
Sorry, buddy.

Oh! Oh, my God. Another Dave.

- Were you guys switching off shifts?
- [indistinct chatter]

You guys trying
to Parent Trap us?

Don't matter.
You're both outta here.

- Nine people are left.
- [spectator cheers]

[Hashan]
This is American engineering.

So, you'll notice this one here.

It looks almost
like a molecular structure.

And that one over there, that
is on... [indistinct] ...diagonals.

See, that one is called
a plate girder.

["Suraangani" playing]

[parent] Uh, Hashan?

[in Sinhala]

[in English] How did it go?

[Hashan, in Sinhala]

[parent]

[in English] This is madness.

You know we...
We can't afford bloody crab.

What happened
with your geometry quiz?

[in Sinhala]

B-minus?

[in English] The way they
teach math is confusing. It's hard.

[in Sinhala]

- You got your alligator?
- [Wayne the Brain] I got good news.

- My boss just told me that none of you...
- I love you. Okay, bye.

- ...are going home empty-handed.
- [contestant 1] I love you.

All runners-up will be receiving a
KQMU Wayne the Brain bumper sticker.

Looks good on notebooks,

- backpacks and stuff.
- Hey, Sachini.

- Oh, my God. Hi, babe! Mmm.
- Hey. God, I was so worried.

You're not answering your texts.

Yeah. My phone died,
like, two hours ago.

Um, oh, hey. I got you this.

It's a little good luck charm.

- Mmm, it's so cute.
- Yeah.

[partner] Babe, look at you!
You're still here!

[Sachini] I don't know
why I'm doing this to myself.

I hate that there's a crowd,

and they keep looking at me like
I'm some kind of zoo animal.

They're probably making bets on
me. They're probably making fun of me

because I'm an idiot
who wore flip-flops.

Hey, hey, hey.

Look, you don't have to do this.

We could go home right now.

[clicks tongue, stammers] I...

But, no, I don't...
I don't wanna go home. I don't...

I can't quit everything.

So, then...
[groans]

Maybe you wanna stay?

[chuckles]

Okay. Okay.
[chuckles]

So, I will go home.

Uh, I will make you some food.
Uh, I'll get you a pillow.

Uh, maybe Gatorade.

- Ooh, what sneakers do you want?
- Um... [sniffs] ...my Nikes.

- Yeah? Hey, I love you.
- Yeah... [chuckles] ...I love you.

- We're doing this.
- We're doing this.

I'm gonna get you a car,
okay? [Chuckles] -[laughs]

["Kiss Me" plays]

- Oh, that's a clever song they're playing.
- Yeah. I used to think that too.

[teacher]
The test is in two parts.

First part is multiple-choice,
followed by a mock lab report.

- Show your work, okay?
- [Hashan sighs]

And that is important.
These are the same kind of tests

you're gonna be seeing
in college next year.

Sachini, I'm still not used
to seeing your dad here.

Yeah. It's so screwed up.

He has a dual PhD in biochemistry
and computer science. [Chuckles]

No, I mean, it's totally cool.

My aunt was the nurse
at the middle school.

Also, it's totally possible he
took this job just to spy on me.

- [both laugh, clear throats]
- [Ms. Davis clears throat]

[breathing heavily]

[breathing heavily]

[breathing heavily]

[Wayne the Brain] I do not know
how you guys are doing this.

Honestly,
y'all look miserable, man.

Like my daddy always said,

- "There is no shame in quitting."
- [grunting]

[Wayne the Brain]
Do what you gotta do.

I can't. I can't. I can't.
I can't with my back.

Oh, no!

- [sad trombone sound]
- Okay.

That is a shame man, because
you only had to last, what?

- Three, two, one. Break.
- [buzzer sounds]

[breathing heavily]

[whimpering]

[breathing heavily]

[sobbing]

[breathing heavily]

Are you okay?

- I thought you had your ochem midterm?
- I... I had to leave.

You walked out?

I d... I just... [breathes
heavily]...I just need a minute.

You should talk to your professor.
You can't just walk out during a test.

[breathing heavily, groaning]

[crying]

- [whimpering]
- [knocking]

- [Jerry] People are waiting out here.
- [contestant 3] Come on.

[knocking continues]

[breathing heavily]

[Jerry]
She's running down the clock.

She's doing us dirty.

- She's doing us dirty.
- Settle down, big dog, okay?

I'm so sorry.
I lost track of time.

Are you all right, honey?

Wh... Oh.

["Relax" playing]

- [contestant 4] No. Hmm.
- [thuds]

[contestant 5]
Hey, she pushed me!

- [contestant 4] I did not!
- You pushed me.

- Yeah, you did.
- You just fell!

- You were leaning up on me...
- No, I did... Hey!

- Don't hit me here.
- That's enough.

- If I hit you, there'd be a problem.
- You're both outta here.

- I worked so hard! Go to h...
- I'm not going. Come on.

- I'm a loyal custom... Can I get my neck pillow?
- [guard] Come on.

- I'm not gonna do anything, all right?
- [judge] I kicked them out.

[contestant 5]
No, I worked hard.

...boarded the Queen Mary.
I think it's, uh, docked now

in a place
in California, Long Beach.

Actually, him and his seven children
boarded the Queen Mary and came...

[gasps] Ooh, geez, Sach.
What's wrong with you?

My parents are here. They think
I'm in college in Houston.

- They don't know you dropped out?
- No, not yet.

[server] I have your table
ready, if you'll follow me.

[in Sinhala]

[in English]
It was all for this?

- [Sachini] I'm sorry.
- [scoffs] You're sorry? You're sorry?

[cries]

- Come on. Come on.
- What's happening?

[buzzer sounds]

[Wayne the Brain] That's a
ten-minute break, y'all. [Sighs]

Ten minutes. Two more down.

[exhales deeply]

That bread looks like I would imagine
a bed would feel right now. [Chuckles]

- Oh, I'll just take a little off the top. That's fine.
- Oh, no. Please take... Okay.

[Jerry chuckles]

So, you do
a lot of these things?

Uh, yeah, yeah. I, uh,
do call-ins, raffles, radio.

[chuckles] Call-ins.
That's a different psychology.

[sucks teeth]
Different personalities. [Sighs]

You know, you either got call-in
people or endurance people.

Me? I'm an endurance guy.

You know, kiss-a-car, dance at
hon, stand on one leg. [Chuckles]

I even had to drink a bunch of
water and hold in my pee one time.

Uh, so what are call-in people?

Well, you want a shortcut, but you
don't want to put yourself out there.

[sucks teeth] Yeah, you want
that little hit of affirmation if you win,

but if you lose, well, it's just
dumb luck. It's not your fault.

[chuckles] Call-in people are
usually pretty low self-esteem.

[Wayne the Brain] We are in hour...
I don't know. It's late. It's very late.

Oh. Uh-oh, we got a dozer.
We got a dozer.

- Oh! A hero has fallen.
- [sad trombone sound]

[Wayne the Brain] I just
lost 20 bucks. Subway, man.

You slid off that thing like a
bug on a windshield, brother.

All right, you keep
that chin up, my friend.

[scoffs] I tell you what, it has been
a pleasure to watch you work, man.

But I'm sorry.
It's the end of the line.

So, we are down
to cuatro desperados.

- Final four, y'all. Game time hoof.
- [sobbing]

[Wayne the Brain] Give you...
You need a minute, brother?

- [sobbing]
- You good? Yes.

[sighs] Hey.

- [groans] Hmm.
- Sachini.

[gasps]
Oh, did I miss the hour?

No, no, no.
You still got a few minutes.

[groans]
God, I can hear the song.

- Hey, look.
- Hmm?

[chuckles] It's to
remind you of greatness.

You're so cute.

- To inspire you.
- Oh, show me all of it. Aw.

- And look, on a more practical level...
- Mm-hmm.

...how about some
brunch? [Shushes] -[groans]

No, no, no, it's too early.
I can't eat.

[groans, yawns]

Been hallucinating Thaththi
right over there.

[sighs, mutters]

Okay, um, hey,
why don't we go home?

Yeah. Yeah, let's go home.
I can't do this anymore.

- [softly] Okay. Hey.
- Hmm?

- You did so great.
- Aw, thank you. [Chuckles]

And you know what? As a treat,
I am gonna get us a Lyft.

Oh, my gosh.

- A whole car.
- Mm-hmm.

- [Sachini] Wow.
- [chuckles]

You know, Sheneri didn't give
Uncle Lasanth a heart attack

by dating a white boy.

Uncle Lasanth had a heart attack

because he smokes
filter less cigarettes

he eats fried chicken
and rotis full of trans fats

- and batu moju every day.
- [chuckles]

People over 60 have heart attacks,
not because their children misbehave,

but because
that's how genes work.

- Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.
- It's a pity.

I'm gonna stay.

Yeah, I'm gonna stay.

[yawns]

Well, it's official, y'all.

We have been doing this
for 31 hours.

That is a very long time.

There's nobody buying cars, so
Mr. Moss cannot be happy about that.

[buzzer sounds]

[smacks lips] Oh, well, that's a
break. You guys got a break. So...

[sighs] Thank you.

[clears throat, sniffs]

[parent] We love you...
[speaks Sinhala]

[in English] Thaththi and I
are hosting a viewing party.

- [chuckles]
- He even went to Best Buy

and bought HDMI cable
to connect his computer

to the television
to watch the live stream.

You must tell me what "bearded
barley" means in that "Kiss Me" song.

[chuckles]

You okay?

Yeah, um...
[clears throat, inhales sharply]

Just, uh, my dad created
his first profile to follow me.

- Aw. [Laughs]
- Look at his cute lab coat.

So cute. Is he a doctor?

Oh, he's a...
He was a chemical engineer.

He would talk about covalent
bonds for days. [Laughs]

He gave up
the thing he loves the most

so his daughter could be
unemployed and make out with cars.

It's what we do.

[groans]

[buzzer sounds]

That's a ten-minute break.

[contestant 6 sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

["Kiss Me" playing]

[mouthing words] ♪ Kiss me
Out of the bearded barley ♪

♪ Nightly
Beside the green, green grass ♪

♪ Swing, swing
Swing the spinning step ♪

♪ You wear those shoes
And I will wear that dress, oh ♪

[song continues]

♪ Out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand ♪

♪ The fireflies dance
Silver moon's ♪

[chuckles]

♪ Twilight, lead me out
On the moonlit floor ♪

♪ Strike up the band
And make the fireflies dance ♪

♪ Silver moon's sparkling ♪

Hey. Hey.

[Wayne the Brain] Go, go, go.

[sniffles]

[song ends]

Kiss it or lose it.
Let's take it serious now.

["Divided" playing]

[mumbling]

[breathes heavily]

Hey, hey!

Heather.

[mumbling]

[inhales sharply]

- [Wayne the Brain] Oh. She gone.
- [sad trombone sound]

- So sorry.
- [sighs]

[Wayne the Brain]
We are down to three. [Sighs]

[Sachini breathing heavily]

I hope you win.

[panting, whimpering]

[panting, whimpering stops]

[panting, whimpering resumes]

[sniffling]

[buzzer sounds]

[Wayne the Brain]
That's a break.

- Here you go, boss man. It's all you. Uh...
- [sniffles, whimpers]

[speaker]...Hello. Hi, uh...

[clears throat] Um, if I could
have your attention, please.

Uh, first of all, thank you for
coming to Moss Motors of Austin.

Um, I'm Ted Moss.

Thank you.

Uh, and I've...
I've got a big announcement.

W... Um, this contest must end.

- [clamoring]
- What are you talking about?

Uh, well, we just did not know
it was gonna go on this long.

Yeah, but...
But here's the thing, guys.

Uh, Mr. Moss and, uh, all the
party animals over at KQMU,

we put our heads together,

and what we're gonna do is, we're
gonna put all your names in a hat,

- [groans]
- Oh, my God.

And we're gonna pick
a winner the old-fashioned way.

- Pure luck.
- Yep.

What a pile of horseshit.
Come on, man.

Craig Knauer.

- [laughing] I can't...
- [scattered applause]

No, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. You
are not the winner of the new car.

Uh, but you get these tickets
to, um, Bruno Mars.

Yeah. Sorry, man. We... You know,
we should have told you that.

We're tr... kind of building the
suspense here. But that means...

Lorraine Dillon, you my friend, are gonna
be driving home that grill, right there.

You don't even gotta kiss it
or nothing. You just win it.

[Sachini chuckling] Oh, my God.

That means, uh, Sachini,
you just won yourself a car.

- You win! You did it.
- [audience cheering]

- Whoo! [Cheers]
- It's over. We can go home.

We're done. It's over.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

[all chattering, laughing]

[in Sinhala]

- [in English] This car.
- [Sachini chuckles]

Take Thaththi for a ride.

[speaks Sinhala]
You're having a party.

They're fine. They're fine.
Okay.

[in Sinhala]

[Sachini]

[parent]

[in English] After that,
I get to drive this, right?

Course you can...
[speaks Sinhala]

["Suraangani" playing on radio]

Ah.

You remember?

Should we get you home?
[chuckles]

Maybe a little longer.

[chuckles]

[sniffles]

[chuckles]