01x04 - The Naked Mermaid

[bunniefuu]

I like snub noses, you know?

-Really?
-I think they're great.

That's amazing. What is it?

It's my snake barrette.
It's also very seductive.

Awesome!

-Are we celebrating something tonight?
-Yes.

The fact I met this angel here.

Where did you meet, if I may ask?

-It's a romantic story.
-At my great-aunt's funeral.

It was fate.

The old hag
was good for something after all.

You said she meant the world to you.

People say a lot of things
to win over a pretty girl like you.

Right?

What's going on with the wine here?

Are you trying to jerk off in front of us?

All right. Let me help you. Hand it over.

f*ck!

I'm not paying for the wine!

I'll take care of it.

Can you help me up?

A NEW OPPORTUNITY GROWS
FROM THE CORPSE OF EVERY DISAPPOINTMENT.

You really saved me
from that horrible guy.

-You are...
-Very well hung, I know.

...married?

My God...

No. That's out of the question.

No! I've told you before,
I'm not interested in your skinny models.

I'm sorry, but I want them
to look comfortable in their own skin.

I want personality. Got it?

Why are you here? Don't you have therapy?

-I can't go anymore.
-Because of the funeral cunnilingus?

They'll hate me when the truth gets out.

Since when do you care what others think?

Well, they are kind of okay.

That sounds like progress.

Don't give up halfway.

When you're down
five to nothing, you can't win.

Nonsense. Tell Dennis the truth
and make it up to him.

Your way.

Yes, hello? Ellen de la Berge speaking.

Nele!

-Very good.
-Nele!

-Come on, you've got it!
-Yes. You can do it!

-Come on, you can make it!
-Nele!

Come on, do it!

Nele! My God!

All you need is a tent
and the circus is complete.

Nele! Are you okay?

Everything will be fine.

"Love Palace", the world of temptation.

-Anja, you hanging out at Reeperbahn?
-I thought you would catch me.

I'm really sorry.

The deal was
that you would save me if I fell.

-You were the one who...
-I trusted you, you fu...

You squirrels.

It's always the same!

-What is?
-I always fall off the beam.

All my life,
I keep on blindly plunging into things,

even though I know how it will end.

What were you thinking before you started?

-That I could do it.
-No.

Yes.

-Yes.
-No.

-Yes.
-That's not true.

What was I thinking?

I'd say you had already accepted
what you believed you deserved.

Nele thinks
she deserves to sprain her ankle?

Ouch! Man!

What were you thinking, Nele?

You didn't think you could make it.
You're still hoping to be rescued.

I don't know what's sicker,
your new exercise or this toy?

Let's do something else.

Dennis?

I just feel like sh*t.

Will you tell us why?

-It's obvious.
-Not to me.

Any guy would want to curl up
and die if they found out

they couldn't satisfy their girlfriend
for four years.

Still better than getting a panic attack

just for looking at the same woman
for four minutes.

What do you call
a polar bear in the Sahara?

Lost.

I just came up with it.

-Dennis.
-I just miss her.

Even though I know our relationship
sometimes wasn't that good for me.

I know what will do you good.

-TV and ice cream.
-No.

No. I prefer TV and ice cream.

Distraction is the best medicine.

Your chances of a female match
are significantly higher this year.

Are masks mandatory
for ugly people this year?

No. Because I'm off the market.

I'm now a monk. Remember?

Zoé?

Are you all right?

I'm great.

Really?

-Are you going to the party?
-No.

Because I'm organizing
the best seahorse-themed party ever.

What the hell is a seahorse party?

The seahorse is a swim badge.

And guys, the host is Jay Bartsch.

-No way!
-Yes way.

Jay Kida Ramadan Bartsch,
I mean he's throwing the party...

-Actor.
-...for his daughter!

Wow! What a great father.

-You're obviously very proud of that.
-Of course.

Is that a big career move?

Yes, totally!
He was my celebrity crush growing up.

He was in Four Cops
and he he went around with his g*n...

He was so dangerous, so strong, so...

He's a regular of mine
and he's a real pig.

If you need help, let me...

It's Okay, thanks.
I can manage just fine on my own.

Okay.

Wow! It's really you!

-Hi! I'm...
-The decorator.

Exactly. Well, the party planner.

As in, the party planner who believes
in planning the most beautiful...

I know. Because of you
I'm stuck with all this sh*t now?

sh*t?

-What do you mean?
-I wanted a pool party,

not Ariel's prom. Okay?

The number one rule for kid's parties
is to make sure the adults are happy.

I invited all of Hamburg's elite.
What is all this sh*t?

That's a backdrop.

-A backdrop?
-Yes.

For me, a backdrop is a disco in Monaco

where women shake
their booties to good music.

What is this?
Is there any hash in this thing?

I've never been to Monaco,

but your ideas about young women
are neither clean, nor poli...

-PC?
-Yes.

PC my a*s!

I need something exotic, something Thai.
Hellfire curry, lychee martinis.

From now on, we have a new theme.
Listen very carefully.

Ariel in the red light district
in Bangkok. Okay?

-For kids?
-For us!

Now, snap to it.

Lose the Disney sh*t or piss off.

Understood?

-Surprise.
-My God! You scared me.

What the hell is that?

I'm horror sister Hildegard.

From k*ller Father Joe and...

You clearly don't know the movie.

-Let's go to Ben's singles costume brunch.
-No way.

Ice cream is for amateurs.
You need a distraction.

This isn't my thing.

I always make a complete fool of myself.

You are going.

It's like Anja said, you're lost.
I'm here to rescue you out of the Sahara.

Today is Dennis day. So, enjoy yourself.

I'll make sure
you don't embarrass yourself

and end up
with the hottest girl at the bar.

Okay. You don't know the movie either.
And you are...

Big Bird or what?

It's to keep the ladies off me.

Nice.

-Your best non-alcoholic drink, please.
-What? No booze. Since when?

Since I'm Dennis' wingwoman.

-Can I get a black coffee?
-Cancel that.

For Dennis a Long Island iced tea.

No. I'd like something without alcohol.

It's Dennis Day. Trust me.

Hi, Ben.

Hey! Eyes straight ahead, party brother.

What's with the dolls?

Winter sale at Anja's Love Palace?

No idea, but they remind me of Nele.

Speak of the devil.

NELE - Kida wants red light district
in Bangkok... for kids!!!

She's with that weird Jay Kida Bartsch.
Sounds like he's a real pig.

-I told her.
-Dude, he wants to fire her.

-sh*t.
-What?

Jerry, can you run this?

I have to go.

Where are you going?

To rescue Nele.

Why are you here?

I'm here to help you.
Zoé said you were struggling.

I told you, Kinky Kida is a total pig.

No. Pigs are neither primitive nor stupid.

I've been to a few of Kida's parties

and they were wild!

And the women...

Please, spare me the details.

Is that why you came?

You could tie all the Kardashians
to me and I wouldn't touch them.

I'm abstinent. A monk. I'm here for you.

Very touching, but I didn't invite you.

Come on,
you totally picked the wrong theme.

Kida definitely didn't want kid stuff.

Yeah, because he has no taste.

Ben?

-Hey! Brother!
-What's up? You doing good?

Yes. And you?

-Why are you here?
-I'm friends with Nele

-and heard about your party.
-Glad you're here. Look at this sh*t.

Yeah, look.

Hands off! That's the mermaid queen's wig.

-Sorry.
-She'll be played by a hot model. Right?

I'm playing the queen.

What?

I'm playing the queen.

So, you are the model?

You're... No way!

You're the model?

Okay.

Brother, get some drinks ready
and save this sinking ship.

Now he's happy.

Don't call me baby girl. Okay?

I don't wanna make him happy.

If it was up to him,

we'd have hellfire curry food
and lychee martinis. Okay?

-Would you serve that to kids?
-Of course not.

But we should get sushi.
I know his favorite spot.

Just leave and let me do my job.

And by the way...

I hate your shirt.

Do you know
what you'll study after your bachelor's?

I'm not a student.

What was that?

I was asking ice-breaker questions.

This isn't a job interview.

-Let me do it. Drink.
-I've drank too much already.

He asked me what I planned on studying.
Such a boring guy.

Hey, you have to excuse my friend,
he's been having a really hard time.

His fiancée just left him.

Your fiancée? My God! What happened?

That's not an interesting sto...

She cheated on me at my grandma's funeral.

What? For real?

She cheated at your grandma's funeral?
What kind of person does that?

And with whom. Right?
He must've been a real as*h*le.

-Do you know who it was?
-Dennis doesn't want to know. Right?

I do want to know!

Yvonne not only cheated on me,

she also had
her first orgasm with this guy.

Dirk, you poor thing. It's not your fault!

Who's Dirk?

A woman has to show
her man what she likes.

-Really?
-Of course.

Forget about that guy.
Those people are the dirt under our boots.

Incorrigible and beyond saving.

I'm beyond saving, Anja.

Hey, Dirk, Do you want to know
how the female orgasm works?

-No.
-Show him.

We can show you how it works.

Hey, hello! Epic pool party!

c*ck OF THE DAY
THE NAKED MERMAID

Thank you.

What kind of shirt is this?

It's meant as a deterrent.

Believe it or not, I'm abstinent.

Let me put it this way.

You and I are both pretty hot.

For each other?

No.

A few weeks ago

we definitely would have ended up
in one of Kida's rooms to...

But that's' now a no-go-zone.

Wow. So you're not a guy
who will jump into bed with just anyone?

-Is that what you call abstinence?
-Yes, exactly. Do you want a drink?

Great party, right?

"The Naked Mermaid" and sushi?

A seahorse kids party
with naked mermaids and sushi?

Hey, mermaids are always naked. Okay?

And sushi is fish. It fits the theme.

Hey, Ben. You're absolutely the king.

Really, you're a sex machine.
What a pool party!

A pool party at a brothel maybe.

And mermaids are stylishly
covered with scales and shells.

And sushi is dead fish.
That's definitely not my theme!

Hey, what's wrong with this buzzkill?

This is the best pool party!

Look at the women! Step aside, brother.

Wow! That's a mermaid. Right?

Another thing.

My daughter Ida, she can't swim.

So, don't let her in the water.

-Okay.
-If she tries to swim...

Hey, look at me! If she swims, she drowns.

I know the swim teacher
looks hot and everything,

but Ida didn't get a seahorse.

She only got the frog.

So, if something happens to her,

-it's on you.
-Okay.

-Okay?
-Yes.

Good man.

sh*t, kindergarten...

Now, flap your lips.

-Yeah!
-Lick her!

That's quite a pecker you have.

Sweet ba*ls you got on your head.

How about down below?

Guess not.

I am Denni Boy!

-The cowboy!
-Yes, Dennis! Just like that!

Hey! You move pretty fast
for a Sister of Horror.

Hildegard.

She prefers to k*ll slowly.

Forget it. Nobody knows the film.

What did you say?

I meant your costume.
I thought maybe you knew the film.

You're k*ller Father Joe.

I am k*ller Father Joe.

See? You do know the film.

It's my favorite splatter movie.

Mine too.

Awesome! But I have to...

-Just stay put. Okay?
-Okay.

-Come on, lick her!
-Lick!

You don't like the party?

The party's crap.

I think the party's crap too.

I wanted princesses,
but only got women in bathing suits.

I wanted cupcakes and water balloons.

And to show my dad I could swim.

You know what?

I have the phone number
of the mermaid queen.

I'll call her right now...

and we'll show your dad how it's done.

Hello, this is Nele.

Come on!

-Do it!
-Lick her!

Hey! Where is my friend?

Dirk? Jasmin is coaching him right now.

That was some real sh*t
with his ex and that as*h*le.

It's a more complicated
than it sounds. Okay?

What's complicated about it?

-I mean, who does that?
-Maybe it was a mistake.

f*cking at a funeral?

How messed up can you be?
I'd hate myself after doing that.

What the... Are you crazy?

-Are you insane?
-Hey, you! Get out!

Out! Get out!

Dennis!

No!

Dennis!

Lead me not into temptation,
but deliver me from my lust.

Your kingdom is...

If I were really a monk,
I'd know the text.

So, there's no party up here, only church.

By the way, I'm Lisa.

And I'm no saint.

Right. Nice to meet you.
I'm on my way out.

Were you serious downstairs?
That you're not the type to f*ck any girl?

Yes. I was completely serious.

I respect women
and I don't want to hurt feelings

and I...

What fairy tale are you from?

sh*t!

Okay.

Four, three, two...

one.

I was hoping you'd disappear.

Here comes the mermaid queen!

Here we go, mermaids!

sh*t!

I don't need a savior!

You might not, but the others do.

She deserved it!
She and her friends make fun of my...

-I have to go in there!
-It's best if you stay here.

You think you can tell me what to do
because we're wearing similar costumes?

My friend is in there.

Your boyfriend, right?

I see.

You're a bit of a mess. Right?

Not just as Hildegard, but for real.

That's none of your business.

Hey!

Don't touch me!

I did something stupid.

Ida!

Nele.

-What the f*ck are you doing?
-Saving the party.

Why are you topless?

Kida said, no kindergarten sh*t.

No dressing up, Nele!

-It's not a good idea.
-Ben, leave me alone.

You can do it.

Daddy, look!

-Ida!
-Ida?

Ida!

God damn it! Hey!

Ida!

-Nele, she can't swim.
-Ben, don't!

Yes! That's it! Very good.
You can do it, just believe in yourself!

Yes!

Daddy, I can do it! I can swim!

Ida, you can!

That's my daughter!
My daughter can swim. Do you see that?

Yes!

Yes. Awesome! My daughter!

Come here! Come here! Come on.

I am super proud of you, Ida.
You did so well.

Okay. Let's have a pool party.
Get your towels, bikinis. Everybody!

Lick, lick, lick...

Hey, you're top three on YouTube,
that's pretty cool, right?

So much for Dennis Day and trust me.

Trust, my a*s.

I made a fool of myself
and you didn't give a f*ck.

It's not my fault
those assholes made fun of you.

I wanted to stay here.

I could have sat here, eaten ice cream
and watched my animal documentary.

I'm sorry.

That was harsh.

No.

Yes. You're right.

I f*cked up.

I always f*ck up.

Zoé...

I know you wanted to help and distract me.

But... I'm sad right now,
and that's totally fine.

My heart was broken,
so it's perfectly normal.

Did you really think I'd let her jump in?

You really don't need saving.

-I'm sorry.
-Forgiven.

You're really crazy.

Crazy but incredible.

-Ben, I...
-No. Really.

You may fall off the beam a lot,

but you always believe in people.

-You believe deep down...
-Is that really so hard?

No one believes in me.

Except you.

You know, it's this pain, this feeling.

Like someone went down your throat,
ripped out your organs

-and wrapped them around your neck.
-Can you be a little less graphic?

It's a pain that won't leave you alone.

That won't let you sleep.

It kills your appetite.

You know?

No.

Then you've never been in love.

Thank you for saving me today.

Ben, I...

What do you mean that I saved you today?

What?

If you believed for one minute
that this was going to happen with us...

Never!

Can I have some?

What is this sh*t?

It's vegan. Yvonne used to buy it.

But it tastes like a goat's a*s.

You're a pitiful creature.

About Yvonne and the funeral...

That's in the past.

It already happened.
And I think that somehow we're all...

pitiful.