01x05 - ATM (All the Money)

[bunniefuu]

Woman: Nature --

it's that green stuff,

sometimes blue or even brown.

**

History has proven
that fighting against nature

is truly stupid...

...and there's no one
more stupid

than the Three Busy Debras.

**

**

I never thought I'd see an ATM
eruption in my lifetime.

People of Lemoncurd, we are
witnessing a miraculous event.

Today marks the first eruption
of our town's

naturally-occurring ATM
since 1892.

[ Applause ]

What's the plan
for the dough?

Ah.

It's a free-for-all.

Have at it!

[ Cheering ]

**

Wow, nature's wonders
never cease to amaze me.

Money really brings
people together.

It sure does.

Together: Hi, Mayor Brett.

How are my pretty girls going
to spend their funny money?

I'm going to take a solo trip
to find myself.

I'll eat. I'll pray.

I'll love.

Ladies,
I'm going to Vegas.

I'm going to do something
that benefits the community,

like renovating my house.

-Yeah.
-What about you, Debra?

I'm going to look inward
and make some big changes

to my personality.

I'm getting fake t*ts.

I was going to suggest t*ts
for you.

-Aw.
-Yeah.

Times might be changing,

but I can always count
on my Debras

to spend a lot of money
in very little time.

[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, we're rich.

This is pennies to me.

Whee!
[ Laughter ]

**

I think we can all agree
my house

needs earrings
and a big fun hat.

So here's the plan.

What, am I talking
to myself here?

Where's my crew?

[ Tires screech ]

Sorry, lady, we're going
to the mall.

Hey!

Hey!
Hey, you get back here!

I don't lift a finger!

I get my fingers lifted for me!

[ Growls ]

* Money, money

[ Laughter ]

Yeah.

**

**

Looks like I'm operating
on myself today.

Okay.
[ Clears throat ]

[ Deep voice ] Dr. Debra
reporting for duty.

Scalpel.

[ Normally ] Scalpel.
[ Deep voice ] Thank you.

[ Normally ] You're welcome.

[ Deep voice ]
Now count backwards from 10.

**

[ High-pitched voice ]
Ten, nine, eight...

**

Attention, travelers,
the airport is shut down.

No one showed up for work
today.

Well, I want to go do nothing
in a different time zone,

you know, vacation.
-Not my problem.

If you need me,
I'll be leaning on the plane.

I'm rich now.

Attention, everybody.
Airport's back on now.

So please form a single-file
line in birth order quickly.

Thank you.

**

[ Heart monitor beeping ]

**

Wait, where are my beautiful
fake boobs?

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, God.

[ Sobbing ] How could you let me
do this to me?!

[ Sobbing ]

**

Listen up, I'm willing to
forgive your earlier outburst

if you will just
get back to work.

Fat chance, lady.

We're relaxing.

Why are you relaxing?

What did you do to deserve
a massage today?

Manual labor for 30 years.

I hate you.

* Money, money

Debra #2:
Please discard all liquids,
cellphones and children.

Sir, you're not allowed to bring
that much water on the plane.

So pick your favorite 3 ounces
and drink the rest.

**

[ Metal detector crackling ]

[ Metal detector beeping ]

Hey.

Love it.

I mean, I commend
your initiative.

But who's going to fly
the plane?
That's not my department.

Hang tight,
I'll radio control tower

and see who's on standby.

Oh, my God,
I'm a working mother.

Ketchup?
Ketchup.

Mustard?
No, thanks.

So you have time
to cut open that pig,

but you won't
cut open this pig?

We're off the clock.

This is what we do
for fun.

Surgery is my passion,
and nursing is just my day job.

Well,
you look ridiculous.

Pretty smug coming
from the old witch

who has to sh*t
out of her t*ts.

[ Laughter ]

Well, joke is on you.
I haven't sh*t for years.

[ Laughter continues ]

**

More money!

I'm going to buy me a diamond
made out of gold.

Our lives have never been
worse than they are right now.

I mean, look at me.

My a*s is t*ts,

and to make matters worse,
I'm a terrible doctor.

You think
your day is bad?

I'm an amazing manager.


are depending on me.

Which reminds me, I have
to figure out payroll.

Oh, wow,
welcome to Lemoncurd,

a place
where no one is working,

and I'm not getting
what I want,

which, lest we forget,
is earrings on my house.

This is
all the ATM's fault.

I think it was
sent from hell,

and I heard
it's really bad there.

The ATM's reign of terror
must be brought to an end.

[ Screaming ]

Money is supposed
to bring people together!

But it actually
drives them away.

-From their jobs.
-Working for us.

[ Screaming ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

It's getting stronger.

We got to talk
to the big man upstairs.

God?

Bigger.

The mayor.

**

Mayor Brett,
let's talk.

Damn, Debras,
you look awful.

No, everything
is not okay.

-I didn't ask.
-And therein lies the problem.

No one is doing
their jobs anymore.

We need you
to destroy the ATM.

Thank you.
-[ Chuckles ]

No can do, 'bra.

Everyone knows you can't
destroy the ATM.

It can only be deactivated
using this ring,

which has been passed down
from mayor to mayor

since the dawn
of Lemoncurd.

Are you seriously
not going to help us?

Why would I help you take away
the most beautiful thing

that's happened
in my lifetime?

Lemoncurd
is now a town of prosperity,

equality and security.

-Who cares?
-What could be better than that?

Other than...

[ Guitar riff plays ]

...rock and roll?

Don't worry, ladies.

I got this.

Do you think you could
turn it off...

for me?

Oh.

Ooh.

Debra, Debra, Debra,

I wish I could help,
but hands are tied...

in leather bracelets.
[ Chuckles ]

That's right.

I'm going on tour
with my a cappella group,

and before you ask,
no free tickets.

[ Door closes, lock clicks ]

If you're not going to do
your job...

[ Key clatters ]
...we're going to do it
for you.

No.

-Yes.
-Aah!

Give us the ring.
Give us the ring.

Don't touch it.
Don't touch it.

[ All singing ]

**

**

It is I, your town's
beloved mayor,

elected and chosen
through due process.

So I think it's about time we,
uh, turn off the ATM, huh?

You all have enough money.

Time to finger that ATM
to completion.

[ Crowd gasps ]

[ ATM crackles ]

I don't understand. Who would do
something like this?

[ Chuckles ]

With all the money in the world,
you could buy a clue.

Well, here's a clue.

We did that.

We k*lled the ATM.

Bet you feel so stupid.

It was us inside that coat
the whole time, not the mayor.

We tricked you.
-No, you didn't.

We knew it wasn't the mayor
the second we saw his dead body.

He died of natural causes.

[ Crowd crying ]

I don't get it.
Why aren't you all celebrating?

Isn't this exactly
what I wanted?

You should be grateful
you get to go back

to your old jobs
right now. Go!

Um, you're welcome.

Now let's get back
to the status quo.

Together:
[ Chanting ] Status quo!

Status quo! Status quo!

Status quo!

Status quo! Status quo!
Status quo! Status quo!

Status quo!
Status quo! Status quo!

Status quo! Status quo!
Status quo!

**

[ Gasps ] I'm going to buy
my son new legs.

[ Gasps ] I'm going to buy
your son's old legs.

I'm getting
big fake t*ts.

Ooh!

**

Oh, glory day!

[ Laughter, cheering ]