01x01 - Nobody Beats the Baba

[bunniefuu]

[ Gn language ]

-[ gasps ] she... Remembered?

-Rise and shine!

It most important day of year!

-Finally... a real
birthday for uncle pete.

-Is there some kind
of surprise happening

For a one-year-older me?

[ screams ]

-Not surprise.

It happen every
year, second Saturday

After old country easter.

-Embalming fluid
held like a baby,

Baba filled with pride...
Piece together the clues pete.

[ gasps ] oh! Today's not...

-Fun-con, annual funeral
parlor association convention.

This baba year to
win best fluid.

Go load back of hearse
with homemade embalmer.

-Seriously?

But it's my...
- You what? You period?

Baba need you to find
cheaper coffin distributer.

-Can we please stay home?

Maybe you have some tiny candles

You'd like to put on a
scooby-doo-themed cupcake?

-Ha! This my day.

No time for dally-dilly.

-I'd like to dilly her dally.

[ baby crying ]

-♪ I'm not as crazy
as I used to be ♪

♪ some of my devils
up and left me free ♪

♪ to find a quiet space ♪

♪ I'm not as out of place ♪

♪ and I'm coming home again ♪

♪ it's been too long a time ♪

♪ gettin' back what's mine ♪

♪ and I can't remember
why I went away ♪

♪ but it's looking now
like maybe I can stay ♪

Was that any good?

♪♪

- I forgot how fun fun con is!
- Forget anything else?

A sibling's birthday, perhaps?

-Everybody here's horny.

You've got your
plainclothes goths,

Your necrophiliacs,

Your quiet cape-wearers
who "play" organ music,

Your overly curious meek teens.

-I might be down for a
fun-con-sensual experience

With a fellow meek teen,

But they'd have to
be especially meek.

-Spot! Spot!

[ engine revs ]

[ tires screech ]

[ cheering ]

-[ gasps ] sophie bennett!

Still a sneaky thief, I see.

- Who?
- Sophie create

Very popular lifestyle
brand, but for death.

Really made
something of herself.

-You know her?!

♪♪

-A little maggot
for a little lady.

-He's so squish-able.
I love him.

-Can I hold him for
a little, trophy?

-Sure, sophie.

Feel his belly.

[ gasps ]

Sophie, give him back!

He's my maggot!

[ sobbing ]

-Let's cremate him!

-No!

-Bye-bye.

-[ sobbing ] I won him!

- Won what?
- [ sobs ]

We were best friends,

But she always took
whatever I loved most.

As kids, it was my toys.

As teens, it was my
boyfriend lonny...

[ gasps ] that's him!
- They marry now. And rich.

-Who's the boy?

-I knew lonny got her pregnant,

But I... Didn't
think they'd keep it.

[ chuckles ] guess they forgot
to use fun-con-traception.

-Sophie good teen mom to joey.

Never abandoned baby
with grandmother.

-Actually, everything
that went wrong in my life

Can be traced back to sophie.

But that ends today,
my brilliant frien-emy,

'cause trophy's come
back to take you down.

-Ahh. Baba home.

Listen up.

Lots to do and only
few hours to do it.

-I'll go browse coffins
and meet you in the car.

I know how my face
brings you bad luck.

- [ groans ]
- trophy.

Baba need you...
- To ruin sophie's life

Like she ruined mine?

Consider it done.

-To not be messy b*tch!

Stay away from sophie's
embalming fluid.

[ psychedelic music plays ]

-Ooh.

Baba, could I go smell some
candles before I start my job?

-No.

Your bad posture is like
mating call to sexual deviants.

Baba tell granddaughter
secret of how

To determine who molester.

-Let me guess... You
have an outrageous theory

There's absolutely
zero research on.

-Old country way never wrong!

Just hum first few bars
of "skip to my lou."

If the suspect sings chorus,

You know you dealing
with monster.

Watch.

♪ Flies in the buttermilk,
shoo, fly, shoo ♪

♪ flies in the buttermilk,
shoo, fly, shoo ♪

♪ flies in the buttermilk,
shoo, fly, shoo ♪

-♪ skip to the lou, my darlin' ♪

[ gasps ]
- help! This man is dangerous!

I was taken from my home
in billings, montana!

-I don't even know that darling.
[ siren wails ]

Can we just blame the...
- Thanks, baba.

We've been looking for
thatcher the child snatcher

For months.

Don't know how you do it.

-Wow! Why does that work?

-If you ever want
to sleep again,

Is better not to know details.

♪♪

-Mm...

-Hey, you look like
a man who appreciates

The finer things in life.

-I did use a
toothpick after lunch.

-Come try out the
restmaster 2000.

-Oh, this is way
beyond our budget.

You see, our clients
are... "of the trash."

-Ever wish you could climb
back inside your mother's womb?

- Every second of my life.
- I had a feeling.

Well, let me tell you...

This silk comfort
foam comes close.

Jump on in there.
- Oh.

Makes you wish death could
arrive a little faster.

Oh, I-I better get up before
I get too comfortable.

-Just take a moment with it.

This baby's air-tight.

-Uh-oh.

-Ooh, bad posture.

Easy prey.

♪♪

-Lonny?

Lonny? Lonny?

You in here?

- Wha...?
- Lonny!

But I thought you
loved me for my body.

-Sorry, troph.

Sophie's hot spot has more
than just great wireless.

-Sophie, how could you?

You're supposed to
be my best friend.

-Exactly.

If it weren't for me, you and
lonny would still be together.

I did this for you.

-My heart is broken.

I have to go have drunk,

Unprotected sex with 10
guys to dull the pain!

That'll show you!

-Uh, you're welcome!

I'm gonna keep you as my
boyfriend to boss around,

But let's be clear...
I don't like you.

-So, girls, if you ever wanna
talk about the circle of life

Or what pajamas you're
wearing, here's my, uh,

Personal number.

-Oh, drat!

My flavored-condom assortment
spilled everywhere!

Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.
- Trophy fantasy?

Is that you?

[ chuckles ] I don't believe it.
- Lonny!

Ooh, what a complete
surprise to see you here.

Why don't we go grab
a coffee and catch up,

In the biblical sense.

-I appreciate the offer, but
I'm more generically spiritual.

I gotta see where those
barely legals just ran off to.

Nice catching up.

-♪ flies in the buttermilk,
shoo, fly, shoo ♪

♪ flies in the buttermilk,
shoo, fly, shoo ♪

♪ flies in the buttermilk,
shoo, fly, shoo ♪

-♪ skip to my lou, my darlin' ♪

Damn!
- I knew it!

You're a cheater and a creeper.

I'm gonna tell sophie and
destroy your marriage.

-Oh, she knows I cheat on
her with very young women.

We've turned our narcissism
and desire for money

Into a successful
lifestyle brand.

Our loveless marriage is a
mutually agreed upon charade.

-I get it.

You have the perfect
relationship.

Ugh. How am I supposed
to get back at her now?

-[ chuckles ] it's futile.

I mean, you could k*ll
yourself trying...

-Been there, botched that.

-Winning's all she cares
about, and sophie always wins.

-What if tender endings beats
her in the fluid finals?

- That would take a miracle.
- Yeah?

Well my resurrected a*s knows
a little something about those.

-When do I get to hold
the embalming fluid?

-In your dreams.

Baba have just the
job for novice.

You hold sign.

Pretty good.

Just try keep it straight

And don't let crowd see
too much of your calves.

Today not about you.

Today about fluid.

Step right up and
sample the goods!

Only 12 ounce of baba's
embalmer does trick

For four average adults
or eight unlucky children!

Just other day, a widow
say to me, "five stars,"

After looking at
dead husband face.

And as everybody know,

Widows very stingy
with their stars.

[ psychedelic music plays ]

-Fresh laundry rainstorm?
[ sniffs ]

Oh, like I'm carrying a basket
of clean clothes into a monsoon.

-Pumpkin pie afternoon.

This aroma is transcendent.

[ sniffs ] top note of...
Clove? Is that right?

-Sure. Why not.

-Mmm. This cinnamon is so warm.

What are its undertones?
- Says here...

"cinnamon."
- I'll take it.

-You know, you should get
a wick cutter for that jar

If you don't have one
already, 'cause...

-You get optimal burn time

And less sooty
residue on the glass.

-I'm annie, from tender endings.

You're joey bennett.

-Your funeral home
hates my mom, right?

All the deadheads do.

It's the combination of her
success and her superiority.

-My mom's not a fan, but
I try to think for myself.

-Me, too.

In fact, I'm heading
to the food court

To defy my mother's
wishes right now.

I'm going to eat a snack
loaded with artificial colors

And added sugar.

Wanna join me?
- I do...

But I'm supposed to be
holding a sign for my baba.

-Sounds important. Maybe
another time, then.

-You can either hold a sign

Or you can recognize a
sign from the universe

Staring you right in the face!

Joey, actually, I'm dtf!

Down to foodcourt!

-So that's what that means.

♪♪

-Let me out!

I can't die on my birthday.

That's a level of irony I am
just not comfortable with.

Let me out!

[ sobbing ]

Salvation!

And maybe a birthday wish?

-Is that our petey?

- ♪ happy birthday ♪
- ♪ happy birthday ♪

-No!

No!

[ sobbing ]

This wood's not solid.

What the... [ screams ]

[ gasps ] oh, just
my recurring dream.

I better pinch myself.

[ screams ]

-Petey! Breakfast!

-Baba must have
drugged my sweet cream

So she could remodel my bedroom

And change me into new
pajamas without me knowing.

Aw, what a special
birthday surprise!

Coming!

-I have special birthday
surprise, peter.

[ smooches ]

-My wish from every past
birthday finally came true.

♪ -happy birthday, dear petey ♪

♪ happy birthday to you! ♪

[ screams ]

♪♪

-Transforming your loved ones
into a bio-degradable mulch

Is a great alternative
to toxic embalming.

Now, did everyone try a
piece of the carrot cake?

- Ohh. Mmm.
- Mm-hmm. This is pretty good.

-Surprise!

That's not just beta
carotene you're tasting.

It's also the re-imagineered
body of a man named calvin.

-Hurry up and find
her embalming fluid.

I wanna get out of here
before she starts doing yoga

And making me feel
bad about being poor.

[ gasps ]

-Trophy!

I thought that was you, but
I've trained my consciousness

To shut down in the presence
of desperation and cheapness.

-Still taking advantage of
others for your own gain, I see.

Now it's just grieving
family members

Instead of your best friend!

You haven't changed a bit.
- Neither have you.

Maybe a few less bugs
in your vag*na now.

-They're called crotch beetles!

And they do my bidding.

I'm a resurrected
woman with powers.

You can't hurt me
anymore, sophie.

-Trophy, trophy, trophy.

Why don't you use your
powers to help society

Instead of trying to
settle petty old scores?

-Excuse me, sophie?

I'd like my dead wife
turned into a crystal

So I can feed her to
dolphins after her passing.

Is that normal?

-I wouldn't call it normal.

I'd call it beautiful.

If you'll excuse me, my
disciples require my energy.

But stay away from
my embalming fluid!

So great seeing you.

-Oh, she loves that fluid
like I loved my little maggot.

A true love I have never
felt before or since.

I will avenge him!

♪♪

-You two lovebirds order
the cookies and cremains?

-Ooh.

-It's okay, joey.

One sip isn't gonna k*ll you.

-That's not what my mother says.

-My baba put dr. Pepper in
my bottle when I was a baby.

She said, [as baba] "why not?
Those teeth fall out anyway."

[ normal voice ] you'll be fine.

-I trust you, annie.

[ both slurping ]

♪♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

[ vocalizing ]

-The innards look
like ravioli to me.

-That's what I always say!

-♪ yeah, yeah ♪

♪♪

[ laughs ]

-[ vocalizing ]

-Oh, joey.

-Annie, you're so fun!

Promise me you're not
just pretending to like me

Because you're a
superfan of my mom's.

-Oh, joey, promise you're
not just pretending

To be a meek teen because
you're a sexual predator.

-Would a sexual
predator do this?

♪♪

-Meek teen!

♪♪

-[ gasps ] I guess that was all
just a dream within a dream.

I better pinch myself
just to make sure.

Ouch! [ dramatic
music playing ]

Yup, it's still my birthday.

And maybe that music
means baba remembered.

Baba remembered.

Music means baba remembered.

♪ Baba remembered ♪

-Sweet cream for
my birthday boy?

[ laughs ]

[ baby crying ]

-[ screams ] ow!

-Real nice job, annie.

Baba not remember last time
she enjoy your company so much.

Get ready. Judge coming.

So?

Am I heading to fluid
finals again this year?

-Word on the street is you've
got it in the body-bag, baba.

Oops, looks like
your sign's crooked.

-Sorry.

That just my
granddaughter's scoliosis.

Sign not crooked.
Granddaughter crooked.

[ gasps ] annie? Annie?

Oh, no, pervert
must have snatched

My very plain granddaughter.

-I'll be back in 10 minutos.

If your team isn't ready,

You'll have to
forfeit your spot.

And, ma'am?

That'll be a huge
hit to your dignity.

-Pervert!

Pervert, release
my annie... Now!

♪♪

-[ chuckles ] so I never really
recovered from the friendship.

It's like even though
she's clearly in the wrong,

Sophie finds a way to
make me feel inadequate.

[ chuckles ] and I
guess degrading sex

Always makes me forget
my troubles, though.

[ chuckles ] are you free?
- Mom. Mom.

You're hitting on a dead person.

-You always focus on
people's flaws, annie.

Tony's a great listener.

- Give him back his flowers.
- No!

He gave me these.

-[ sighs ] joey, this is my mom.

-Hello, mrs. Fantasy.

-It's you. Very interesting.

Annie, can I talk
to you for a second?

-You were right
about fun-con, mom.

Everyone can find true love!
- Annie, wake up!

Sophie wants to destroy me.

Of course she's trying
to get to me through you.

-You're wrong.

Joey likes spending
time with me.

-That doesn't make any sense!

If I know that family,
all that boy wants

Is to throw your maggot
in the incinerator,

If you catch my drift.

Heed my warning, annie.

Mama knows!

-[ gasps ] either I've gotten
sucked down the baba hole

Or old petey accidentally
wandered into

A groundhog day time loop!

I better pinch myself!

Ouch!

[ screeches ]

-[ yawns ]

[ breathing heavily ]

-Wait, joey...

I hate to ask, but...

My mother thinks you're
only pretending to be

Interested in me so your
mother can ruin her life again.

That's silly, right?

-While that does sound
like one of my mother's

Three-dimensional
manipulative chess moves,

Let me assure you,
I'm not using you.

We're a perfect match.

We both like scented
candles, ice cream, and...

Holding hands.

-I wish we could be together.

But I have this terrible feeling
my mother's going to ruin it.

-I-I know we're both meek,

But since our families won't
condone our relationship...

-Seating's now open

For the embalming
fluid finals in hall h.

-Let's run off together.

Right after the
fluid finals, though.

If I'm not there
to hold the sign,

My baba will never forgive me.

-Would you two shut the hell up?

This is a funeral!

- Funeral plus!
- I'll see you onstage.

We'll run away right
after the competition.

♪♪

-Bye, joey.

-I expected to fail
at sabotaging sophie,

But I didn't think I'd
fail at getting laid, too.

Ooh, maybe I spoke too soon.
- Hello.

-Want me to spit in
your mouth, bitchboy?

-No, but would you
mind telling me

Where they're selling
those giant turkey legs?

-They're over there, freak!

[ sighs ] geeze.

[ gasps ]

Oh, well, well, well.

Today's not a total
bust after all.

♪♪

Is that nutmeg? God
damnit, that's good!

[ slurps ]

Death powers.

He is avenged!!

Oh, that'll do it.

Now sophie's precious
embalming fluid

Will fail harder than
my hopes and dreams.

It's her turn to feel a
lifetime of disappointment

And humiliation now.

[ gasps ] my little maggot!

You're alive! Oh!

You're as squish-able
as I remembered. Oh!

I never would have become
the youngest stripper

In reno history if sophie
hadn't stolen you from me!

-Oh. Hi, annie's mom.

Y-y-you better put that down.

My mother doesn't
let anyone touch him.

-Oh, yeah? Well you
better not touch annie.

Though she is also squish-able.

-Annie and I are in love and
plan to run away together!

-I see right through
your meekness.

Your father stole my virginity,
your mother stole my potential.

I'm not about to let
you steal my daughter.

Get him, beetles!

-Annie's mom?

Oh! [ chuckles ] that tickles!

No! [ muffled shouting ]

-[ laughs ]

Who's the maggot now?

- [ muffled scream ]
- don't worry!

I'll tell sophie where to
find you after she loses.

Or not. Because she will lose.

Won't she? Yes, she will!

Oh, yes, she will!

-Pervert! Pervert! Pervert!

-Look what I found, baba!
Remember its little belly?

-While you off
reliving childhood,

Your daughter missing
in convention center

Full of sex criminal!

Now baba worry about
annie and fluid finals.

-Oh, no! I bet
sophie got to her.

Guess annie's probably
dead by now, then. Mm.

-Sorry, baba. I'm here.

-Your dilly dally almost
cost me first victory.

Hurry, places, places!

[ cheers and applause ]

-Good evening, and welcome to
the 37th annual fluid finals!

Let's meet this year's
challenger, tender endings!

They'll go head-to-head with
our reigning champions...

Blissful passings!

[ cheers and applause ]

We've given both funeral homes

Identical deceased
rats to embalm.

That's right... identical
twins. Kinda sad.

But totally fair.

On my count...

One... Two... Dunk those rats!

[ cheers and applause ]

-This your year to
shine, old bean.

-Rest well, little prince.

[ zen music plays ]

-Oh, it'll feel so good
to finally beat her.

Sophie doesn't stand a chance.

-If I find out you did
messy-b*tch mischief

And interfered with purity
of this contest, I end you.

- H-have you seen joey anywhere?
- Uh, actually, I saw him

Heading down to the
basement with another girl.

They're a family of cheaters.

[ chuckles ] like
mother, like son.

I hate to be right,
and yet, I am.

-Oh.

♪♪

-Yes!

You see that?!

Baba is winner, baby!

[ cheers and applause ]

-Yeah, well, not your
best work, sophie.

-I don't know what's wrong.
This has never happened before.

-Shame. Terrible shame.

♪♪

[ audience gasps ]

All: Awww!

-What?! She cheat!

-Come on! That wasn't
supposed to happen!

♪♪

[ gasps ]

-You interfere! You play dirty.

You not my daughter anymore!

-I think my choice is unanimous.

Sophie, you're the winner!

-Sophie! Sophie! Sophie!

-Well, baba, that's the way
the jalapeño popper pops.

Better luck next year.

-We go home.

-Joey bennett, please
report to the main stage.

-Forget joey, I've
lost my little maggot!

-Forget him, hon. He
and his new floozy

Are probably halfway
to mexico by now.

[ squeak ]

- [ gasps ]
- happy birthday, petey!

-[ gasps ]

-Wild ride, huh?

The lack of oxygen plus
that bump on the head

Is better than any drug,
[laughing] am I right?

-But I was just about to blow...

-Blow all your money? No sir!

How many of these beauties
can I put you down for, huh?

-[ sighs ]

-I have finally
started to de-rat.

-You should stay rat.

-Happy birthday uncle pete.

This scent's called democratic
presidential nominee.

Top note of never
getting what you want.

Make a wish!

♪♪

-My wish came true!

I'm back in baba's womb!
- Not exactly...

But this silk comfort
foam does come close.