05x12 - The List

[bunniefuu]

Well, this is good.
I'm not seeing anything

in the local news about all the
bodies we found in the bunker.

JAY: That's one advantage

to being on a first-name
basis with the county coroner.

Yeah, sounds like you guys successfully

"buried the bodies." [LAUGHS]

Please repeat that for
Jay and give me credit.

Oh, this is a relief.

We can't have news like that
leaking on today of all days.

Woodstone is being
considered for inclusion

on a prestigious list of top
small hotels and B and Bs.

The guy from the list is
coming to check us out today.

JAY: It's very important this goes well,

so, please, no ghost
shenanigans, I-I mean it.

Oh, hello. [CHUCKLES]

You must be a cult ghost?

They keep coming over from the bunker.

We're sort of a cult ghost
tourist attraction now.

This feels very shenanigan adjacent.

Nice to meet you. I'm Eugene.

A fellow survivor.

Have you also found it difficult

to acclimate to the outside world?

PETE: Isaac, you were in the
cult for, like, four hours.

All of them harrowing.

HETTY: Wait a second.

Are you Eugene Woodstone?

I'm Hetty Woodstone, your ancestor,

- and I built this house.
- You know him?

He lived here for several
months in the late 1960s.

My parents shipped me up here
so I wouldn't embarrass them

at their precious garden parties.

I was sort of the black
sheep of the family.

I'll say. Rumor has it
this poor fellow was cursed

with the infamous Woodstone tail.

EUGENE: It's just a small
bump at the base of my spine.

- It's...
- ISAAC: Fascinating.

Does it wag when you're happy?

I don't really want to talk about it.

I'm Samantha, also a Woodstone.

I am unafflicted.

Not that it's important.

What is going on?

The cult ghost is also
a distant relative.

Oh, is he the reason that
the cult was in our bunker?

Yeah. I thought they liked
me for my personality,

but in retrospect,

they just liked me 'cause
I had access to a bunker.

Nailed it, Jay.

Oh, that sounds like quite the tale.

I-I think he means T-A-L-E.

[QUIETLY]: He can't hear us.

We don't have to dwell on it.

♪ ♪

Okay, I descummed the shower,

I touched up the paint
in the Maple Suite

and I folded the toilet paper

into those fancy little triangles.

So, now, I just need to take a load off.

Oh, h*, that's nice.

I think we need to lose the recliner.

- What do you mean?
- Well, it's not in line

with the rest of the decor, is it?

Agreed. It stick out like
chair of Frasier's father

on TV program Frasier.

EUGENE: I'm not familiar
with that program.

We didn't have a
working TV in the bunker

so I would do a lot
of magic for the cult.

Oh, that's right, you
were an aspiring magician,

I recall your parents
whispering shamefully.

I didn't have my cups or rings

so I did a lot of thumb magic.

By Odin, your thumb.

[LAUGHS] He's a warlock!

Uh, Jay. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Hetty was pointing out that the recliner

doesn't go with the rest of the room,

and honestly, I kind of agree with her.

I mean, with the list
guy coming, why risk it?

You got this for me as a gift.

You remember when I
almost got dragged to hell

and you got this for me
so I would feel better?

Right. So how about we just
move it into another room?

Somewhere less public.

Can move into Thorfinn's room.

Oh, that's nice.

Thor's offering to take it.

Will be fun new place for
Thor and Flower to fornicate.

And that's all he said.

Fine. If it'll help us with the list.

Speaking of which, I've been emailing

with some other B and
Bs and they're telling me

this guy expects us to grease his palm.

Like a bribe?

JAY: Like a very nice welcome gift.

So I did some Insta-stalking,

and turns out he's really into antiques.

Well, that's great.

We have a ton of old crap around here.

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- I mean exquisite heirlooms.

Hey, Thor, I think there's
something behind your ear.

Oh, it's my thumb.

[THORFINN LAUGHS]

You are a most impressive sorcerer.

Yet he could never
conjure a job or a wife.

Abracadabra.

I think not.

So what do you think?

Isn't that Jay's recliner?

Yeah, Sam give to Jay to
demonstrate her eternal love,

but then get rid of over
some minor decorating concern.

So now we are lucky recipients.

Oh, wow.

Thanks, Thor, uh, it's just, um,

I can't have this in my room.

It's made of leather.

So?

So they k*lled a cow to make that.

That cow could have had a family.

A mom, a-a dad, maybe a secret lover.

Yes, but chair very comfy so we keeping.

Thor, you're not listening to me.

I'm telling you I don't want the chair.

And Thor telling you we keeping it.

Thor not care that chair
was once unfaithful cow.

Fine, Thor.

Keep the stupid chair.

Thank you.

Now, on the other subject,

can you check Thor's
ear for strange thumbs?

Thor think Thor might have problem.

The list guy is pulling up.

Did you settle on something to give him?

No, Hetty was being impossible.

She was claiming some
sentimental attachment

- to every item in the house.
- Okay, well,

- is she in here right now?
- No.

Alberta made up a lie to
get her to the restaurant.

Great, well, then just pick anything.

- How about that paperweight?
- Oh, no.

Apparently that was Hetty's
"correcting" paperweight

that she would sometimes
throw at the butlers.

Yeah, I can see how that could be

a very special keepsake for her.

What about that box? It's pretty.

SAMANTHA: Yeah, this is nice.

Fine, let's just do it.

But what if it's important to Hetty?

Better to beg forgiveness
than ask permission.

That's what Ben Franklin said

- before polishing off
- [DOOR CLOSES]

the entire Christmas goose.

Ah, hello.

I'm Paul from Boutique
Hotels of the World.

Hi, Paul. I'm Samantha.
This is my husband Jay.

Welcome to Woodstone.

The judging begins with your handshake.

Adequate.

He persnickety and overly formal.

I like him.

Very interesting older
property you have here.

That's a nice way of calling it a dump.

Give him the gift,
Sammy. Grease that palm.

Uh, we have a welcome gift for you.

- It's this... box.
- Oh.

This is exquisite.

What a rare find.

An early 19th century parlor
box with steeple-tip hinges.

Well, that was a waste of time.

Alberta thought she saw
Colin Farrell at Mahesh.

In my defense, as a celebrity
I have celebrity blindness.

Well, you must be exhausted
after your travels.

Yeah, let me show you to your room.

Is that the list fellow?

Why is he holding my parlor box?

You didn't give him that
as a welcome gift, did you?

Yes, I did, and just deal with it.

You really should've asked me first.

Why? You would've just said no.

Yes, I would have.

Because it has a false
bottom full of cocaine.

- What?!
- HETTY: That's right.

Peru's finest.

So unless the purity of your narcotics

is one of the list categories
on which you're being judged,

I suggest you get that box back.

Why was there cocaine in the box?

Because it was my box
and I love cocaine.

Can't argue with that explanation.

HETTY: Plus, that was
in here this whole time?

I was searching for it frantically

when I possessed your husband.

I was going to return him to
you with a hole in his septum

the size of Rhode Island.

JAY: Hey, babe.

This is going so well.

He thinks the room is super cute.

He loved the folded toilet paper.

Jay, the box we gave
him has a false bottom

- that's full of cocaine.
- Damn it, ghosts!

That falls squarely in
the shenanigans zone!

Shenanigans Zone.

I used to take Laura there
when she was a little girl.

Great pizza.

Maybe this isn't a problem.

Maybe this guy loves drugs.

This is really bad.

Even if he doesn't find it,

he could get busted when he goes
through security at the airport.

We're not gonna get on the
list if Paul's in jail, Sam.

Why don't you just ask for the box back?

We can't take it back.

- He loves it.
- Plus,

if you ask for it back
now, it's just going to seem

like you heard him
say how valuable it was

and that you wanted to
keep it for yourselves.

I'm sorry I suggested that box.

Another typical Eugene screwup.

Stupid Eugene.

Look, this ain't that hard.

You just got to wait for him
to leave the room, find the box,

empty out the drugs and
then put the box back.

I've done this a million times.

Alberta's saying we
should sneak into the room,

take the box and get rid of the drugs.

All I'm hearing are "shenanigans,
shenanigans, shenanigans."

One seat at every table
had a whoopee cushion.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY] Shenanigans.

ALBERTA: Oh, can we watch
that m*rder show again?

I just want to watch
whatever Thor wants to watch.

He's a big strong man and he
makes all my decisions for me.

What now?

I'm sorry, is everything
okay between you two?

Flower little upset
because I put foot down,

decide to keep chair in room

despite being made from promiscuous cow.

Uh, o-okay, hold on, I-I
don't mean to butt in,

but it sounds like maybe you guys

are having some problems communicating.

You know I'd be happy to help.

I was a travel agent.

- So?
- So, being a travel agent

is basically like being
a couples counselor.

One person wants to go to Fiji.

The other person wants to go to Paris.

Well, it was my job to help
them find common ground.

And steer them toward Orlando.

[CHUCKLES]: You can't beat it.

God, that place is the best.

You missed a spot.

Oh, I'm just pretending.

I'm waiting for Paul to leave
so I can get into his room.

It seems just as easy to actually dust

as it is to pretend to dust.

- Can you not right now?
- [STAIRS CREAKING]

Okay, he just left to go on a walk.

Isaac, let us know if he comes back!

Will do!

I was a captain, I think I
can handle a simple lookout.

- Hey, man.
- Hello, Eugene.

I can't be bothered right now.

I'm carrying out a
very important mission.

That's cool.

Crazy about the cult, huh?

[SMACKS LIPS] Indeed.

I heard you got in on the first try.

- Really? You heard about that?
- [DOOR OPENS]

Yeah, you're, like,
the talk of the cult.

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- How did you do it, by the way?

It's like unheard of.

Uh, well, you see,
Eugene, it's all about...

[INHALES] confidence.

Now when confidence
meets competence, well,

then you get something very special.

Now press on this part with your thumb

to release the false bottom.

I got it.

HETTY: Now do a little
and describe it to me.

Slowly.

Sam! He's coming! He came back early.

No.

- Uh...
- HETTY: Uh...

[DOOR CREAKING]

HETTY: Under the bed?

That's what you chose?

Sam, you work here.

You could've been changing towels,

or re-triangling the toilet paper.

Oh, and now he's sitting
down to read a book.

Boy, are you in a big mess.

Thank you for agreeing
to do couples therapy

with a licensed travel agent.

I think you've made
a very wise decision.

Do travel agents need licenses?

They do not but I made one for myself.

Laminated it and everything.

Now, uh, Flower, you were
saying you didn't like

how Thor handled this disagreement.

Yeah, he was just so stubborn about it.

Argument is like battle...

it must be won at all costs.

It is actually very similar

to disagreement Thor have
long ago with Viking wife Olga.

Olga, I have returned
from battle victorious.

Oh, Thor, how I've missed you.

[SIGHS]: Thor think
about you whole time.

In fact, Thor bring you
back souvenir from Denmark.

[THOR LAUGHS]

Is Dane head.

Will look perfect on
beam, tie room together.

[OLGA SIGHS]

Huh? Huh?

So you're saying she didn't want to hang

a severed head in your living room?

Yeah, Olga want Thor
to put head in fish room

where no one see. [CHUCKLES]

But Thor get his way,
Thor not back down.

- Thor win argument.
- [FLOWER SCOFFS]

Like battle, you see?

The only thing I see

is that you're making
the exact same mistakes

in our relationship as you made
with Olga a thousand years ago.

THORFINN: No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

No!

Whatever. This is pointless.

[THORFINN HUFFS]

No, it's not!

[THORFINN SIGHS HEAVILY]

And just like that...

battle won.

Right.

PAUL: I was going to take a walk

but it looked like rain.

Don't panic, Samantha.

This conversation sounds
like it's winding down,

after which point he'll surely leave.

PAUL: Oh, no.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.

- Tell me everything.
- TREVOR: Oy gevalt!

Where is Jay, already?

- I thought you texted Jay.
- [KNOCKING]

Hey, Paul.

Ooh, I'll call you right back.

HETTY: And here is Jay,

armed with what I am sure
is a can't-miss gambit.

You... want to see
a lizard on the porch?

Oh, I'm deathly allergic to lizards.

But thank you for the warning.

I'll stay right here.

- [HETTY SIGHS]
- Come on, Jay.

Actually, why don't you
come down to the restaurant.

I made some hors
d'oeuvres special for you.

Um, yeah, thank you,
that sounds very nice.

Let me just change into my loafers.

Now, where are my loafers?

Ah.

Oh, he's gonna look under the bed.

Oh, damn it, Samantha.

If you had partook,

you would at least be
high as a kite right now.

Sam! Here he comes.

What the hell?

Here's your loafers.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

- Samantha? Hi.
- Hi.

Hi.

Eventually, she's gonna have to say

something other than "hi."

He got by me. I don't know how.

So... [CHUCKLES]

It's a funny story.

I was just coming in
here to change the sheets,

and I lost a contact lens,

which I could've sworn
rolled under the bed.

You know, I've seen a lot of innkeepers

try a lot of different
things to gain an advantage...

hidden cameras, listening at the door...

but hiding under a bed?

No, it's nothing like that.
I just, I-I have narcolepsy.

I fell asleep.

Well, that settles that. Paul, would
you like to see our magical creek?

My cousin has narcolepsy.

What do you take for it?

Oh, no. He's testing you, Samantha.

Tread carefully.

There is no medication for narcolepsy.

There are several.

- Right.
- Listen, I don't know what you two are up to,

but I've seen enough to
know that Woodstone B and B

is nowhere near worthy of my list.

Please leave my room.

Sorry.

I rode a narcoleptic horse once.

It was a short ride.

Let me ask you something, Thor.

After you "won" this argument with Olga

about the Dane's head,

was anything different between you two?

Now that you mention it,
maybe there were a few things.

Olga really not want to
hang out in that room.

She not want to watch
fire with Thor anymore.

Made Thor very lonely.

That's tough.

Thor, are you familiar with the
concept of a pyrrhic victory?

I think you know answer to that.

Well, it was named after
a king who won a battle,

but he lost so many men in the process

that he realized it may
not have been worth it.

And in the end, he lost the w*r.

Whoa. So sometimes, someone can

win battle of argument but
lose w*r of relationship.

Not exactly how I
would put it, but, yeah,

it seems like you're
getting the general concept.

[LAUGHS]: Yes!

Thor win therapy.

Sure.

I can't believe this.

We screwed up so bad.

Babe, we can't beat ourselves up.

Who would have guessed
that there would've been

a bunch of cocaine in an old wooden box?

[LAUGHS] Yes, who indeed?

Oh, wait. Me.

- What are you talking about?
- Pretty ironic, huh?

The so-called screwup of the family

flawlessly executes a revenge plan?

I was the one who suggested

the box in the first place,

which I knew, from family lore,

is where Hetty Woodstone kept her stash.

Using cocaine for nefarious purposes?

How dare you?

Then I intentionally distracted Isaac

so that Paul would

catch you in his room.

ISAAC: That is no way to treat

a cult brother.

Is it because I got in
on the first try? Hmm?

- Is it jealousy?
- HETTY: I don't understand.

Why would you do this?

Because I hate the Woodstones.

This family treated me like a freak

just because I was different.

Hey, how do you feel
about tacos tonight?

Shh. I think Eugene is doing
his villain origin story,

but, yeah, tacos do sound good.

I never fit in.

I marched to the beat of my own drum.

I told my parents I wanted
to go to magic school.

- Is that a real thing?
- I don't know,

but I want to stuff
this guy in a locker.

But my parents forced me
to go to a fancy college.

I couldn't keep up.

Eventually, when I
flunked out, they told me

I didn't deserve the Woodstone name.

Eugene, I just have one thing
to say to you after all of this.

I'm sorry.

What?

For generations, we Woodstones
have spent too much time

concealing anything that made
us seem less than perfect.

I spent a century hiding my son's crimes

and also...

the nature of my own demise,

and it only ever led to isolation

and loneliness, so I say no more.

Yes! They got the poblano tonight.

Shame is a problem that
is passed down in families,

not unlike the Woodstone tail.

And the only cure for shame is sunlight.

Which, unfortunately, is not
a cure for the Woodstone tail.

They tried that.

Thank you for saying that, Hetty.

I agree with Hetty.

I don't condone your actions,

but I do understand them now,

and I think I have an idea.

Oh, is it to see if you
can hang a coat on it?

On what?

Come on. [SCOFFS]

SAMANTHA: Paul, we need to talk to you.

Thank you, but I'm not interested

in hearing any more fabrications.

That's just it. I was lying to you.

I snuck into your room to
steal back the box we gave you

because...

it's full of cocaine.

Excuse me?

Girl, what are you doing?

We didn't realize there were drugs in it

when we gave it to you,

but the truth is, an antique box

full of 19th-century narcotics

perfectly epitomizes this family.

I've been so preoccupied
trying to paint a rosy picture.

This property's history
is so much messier

and so much more interesting.

Like Hetty, the woman
who owned that box?

Her son m*rder*d a jazz
singer right inside this house.

JAY: And Hetty's husband,

he was this brutal robber baron who died

before he could be held
accountable for his sins.

He suffocated in a secret
vault in the basement.

HETTY: And he was riddled
with syphilis. Add that please.

Right out there on the
lawn, an innocent cuckold

was shot through the neck
by a ten-year-old girl.

Okay. I guess it's just
nice to be included.

This mansion's history is
full of bootlegging and m*rder

- and w*r and...
- Syphilis.

syphilis.

The point is that

I was so worried that Woodstone's flaws

would stop us from being on the list,

but honestly?

I think you should put
us on it because of them.

JAY: Well?

What do you think, Paul?

You're telling me this
box is full of cocaine?

Uh, yeah.

Can I keep it?

Excuse me?

If I can keep it, you make the list.

And there it is.

There's a little bit of
Woodstone in all of us.

It's yours.

Great.

We'll be in touch. Congratulations.

[LAUGHING]: Well, thank you.

It didn't go how I expected it to go

but it'll make a hell of a tale.

Come on, man.

- What are we watching?
- Oh, House Hunters.

No, I mean what is that thing?

That's a television, sweetie.

Oh, right on.

Flower, do you have moment?

What do you want, Thor?

Thor want to talk to you
about argument we have earlier.

- Hmm.
- If Flower not want chair in our room,

then we can get rid of chair

because relationship about compromise,

and compromise mean
doing what woman want.

Really, Thor?

Do you mean that?

Thor may be oldest ghost but sometimes

slowest to learn lesson.

But if Flower willing to be patient,

Thor will make effort

because Flower worth it.

Aw, you're worth it too, big guy.

- Love making is imminent!
- Yay!

ALBERTA: Aw! But they're
about to pick the house.

Can't y'all just go
into a different room?

No, too late.

Process has already started.

Sorry. You're welcome to watch, join in.

Cheering is appreciated.

Mm-mm, I'm going, I'm going.

Let me know what happens.

- Well, first Thor is going to...
- No, I meant the show!

God darn, you freaks.