01x04 - Sex Worker

[bunniefuu]

[funky bass line]

♪

- Hey, guys.

How are things going?

Come on, sit down.

- Class, we are in

for a real treat today.

Our guest speaker is not only

someone who is a student

at this very school,

but he is a very accomplished

stand-up comedian.

He's also the first

Black head writer

of "Saturday Night Live"

and the first Black anchor

of the storied "Weekend Update"

segment.

And he single-handedly saved

the HBO Max streaming service

with his wildly successful

show.

Please give a warm

School of the Arts welcome

to Michael Che!

[applause]

- Thank you so much.

- Thank you.

- School of the Arts.

It's so great to be here.

Thank you. You're so kind.

Oh, you should clap harder.

Okay.

Thank you very much.

- It is a thrill for us

to have you, Michael.

- Hmm,

that's very interesting.

And it was the actor

Omari Hardwick instead?

- No, it was still me;

I just looked exactly

like Omari Hardwick

for some reason.

It's weird, right?

- Not necessarily.

A lot of times in dreams,

people appear as other people.

- But why Omari Hardwick?

I mean, we barely look alike.

- You look nothing alike.

- I wouldn't say nothing alike.

- I would definitely say

nothing alike.

It's two different faces

and bodies.

- Okay.

- Any more questions

for Michael Che?

- Mia.

- Hi, Mr. Che.

First of all, I'm a huge fan

of "Weekend Update."

- Oh, thank you.

You know, most people

don't like it.

- I have a two-part question.

The first part is,

do you ever feel

an added pressure as a Black

man in these current times

to use your voice

and your platform

to help empower

other Black people?

And also--

- No.

- No?

- No, I don't feel like that.

Ever.

- Oh.

Okay,

then that's my only question,

I guess.

- Thanks.

- All right.

Anybody else? Anybody?

[spacey guitar music building]

♪

[pensive bass line]

- No matter

how hard you try ♪

You can't stop me now ♪

- Having a job that a lot

of Black people

in your neighborhood

or Black people

in your background don't have,

they always wanna know more

about that job

and what are

the f*cking secrets.

And there's always a reason

that you're succeeding

and other people

haven't succeeded.

And it's never

- Hard work.

- Good.

- Yeah, it's never hard work

and dedication.

It's always some foul sh*t

that you probably did

- Mm-hmm.

- That they're

not willing to do.

"Oh, yeah, I bet you did

get that promotion."

What the f*ck is that

supposed to mean?

I almost don't wanna

tell people good news

because I don't want them

to think

I did something terrible

to get it.

[suspenseful music]

♪

I have one rose left,

but there's two of you

standing here,

which means that one of you

will be safe

and the other one

will have to die

in a blood sacrifice

for my Hollywood career.

Give me the knife.

- I can't watch this.

- Aunt Gladys,

your kisses are always wet,

and every time you hug me,

you leave makeup on my shirt.

But you always have candy

in church.

I appreciate that.

- I know my baby

loves his sweets.

- That, I do.

- Here.

Have some titty candy.

- Ah! Toblerone?

- Don't you tell your mama

I gave that to you.

- Yes, ma'am.

Uncle Dennis

you take your shoes off

at the house

and you make the whole place

smell like corn chips.

It's funky.

And then you laugh too hard

at your own jokes

before you get

to the punch line.

- Yeah. [laughs]

- I'm sorry, son,

but why is it one

of your family has to die

so's as you can be in a movie?

- That's just how it works

for Black entertainers.

- Whatever happened

to just working hard

and earning success?

- I tried that

for, like, a year.

It's impossible.

- You can tell better jokes.

- No, I can't.

- I know, why don't you just

leave show business altogether

and try something new?

- I mean, I can,

but then I'd be poor again

and have to live

with one of y'all.

[all murmuring]

- He ain't staying with me.

- Exactly, look, let me just

sacrifice one of y'all.

I'll get a sitcom,

and we'll be fine.

- I guess the family

could spare one n*gga

for your dreams.

- Thank you.

- Hold on.

But I'm not even

your real aunt.

- Gladys!

- Me and your mama,

we just grew up

in the same building.

We not related.

- What?

- No, it's true.

Me and Gladys,

we just play cousins.

- Oh, well, that just made

my decision a lot easier.

- Yes!

- Oh, this is some bullshit.

- Wait.

Easier in which direction?

♪

- Wait, I'm so confused.

- See, there's this theory

in a Black community

that in order to be

really famous,

you gotta sacrifice

a family member.

- What? Is it true?

- I don't know,

I'm not really famous,

but I do know that whenever

a major Black celebrity

loses a loved one,

we assume it was

a blood sacrifice.

- That's seems

really insensitive.

- It is.

- So then why do you do it?

- I don't know, n*gga,

it's fun.

[all arguing]

[cell phone ringing

and buzzing]

Hello?

Yeah, this is he.

Ah, that's great.

Of course I'd do that.

No, yeah, my family's here.

I can tell 'em right now.

This is awesome.

All right, thank you.

No, thank you.

Okay.

All right, I love you too.

Okay, bye.

- Was that Hollywood?

- Yeah.

Ma, you're not gonna

believe this,

but they're doing

another "Toy Story,"

and they want me to play

a voodoo doll.

- That's awesome!

- Yeah.

- Oh, I'm so proud of you!

- Hey, nephew,

you know why you always

gotta keep a broom

on your boat, right?

- No, why?

- [laughs]

'Cause that's how you--

[laughing]

- All right, hey, yeah, no,

I got it.

Look, the only problem is,

this new role,

it's gonna cost me

another family member.

- Oh?

- Yeah, and they said

it has to be

a young one this time, so

♪

Ah.

- You know, luckily, my niece

was pregnant at the time,

and so, you know,

two birds, one stone.

I ended up

voicing the character

of Coco Shando

in the short-lived

Disney+ spin-off

of "Toy Story."

- [laughs]

That's a funny story.

- It's all totally true.

- All right,

who's got another question?

- Yeah, I got a question

for you.

You ever do some g*y sh*t

for a role?

[laughter]

- Knock it off, guys.

This is a guest.

- My brother told me

that Hollywood

only allows Black men

to succeed

if they're willing

to do something g*y.

Did you do that?

- Hey, that's enough.

- No, it's--

- I am so sorry about that.

- No, it's--it's fine.

As a Black man, I get

this question all the time,

and the answer is that really,

it depends on what

you consider g*y.

- Wha--

- Like, I was at a party,

and an executive put his d*ck

in a bowl of ice cream,

and he's like,

"You gotta lick it off

"if you wanna even get a role

in 'Fast and Furious 12:

Mo' Cars, Mo' Problems,'"

and I was like,

"Uh, absolutely not, dude."

- Well, good for you.

- "I'll eat the ice cream

after you take your d*ck

out of the bowl."

And he was like, "Deal."

But is that g*y? No.

I mean, I know a lot

of g*y friends

that would not do anything

like that.

- Man, I knew it.

- Michael Che.

[scattered applause]

- I'll read any line as Coco.

- That sounds terrible.

Did that actually happen?

- No, no, I think

they're stopping

at "Fast and Furious 10."

- No, I meant Colin Jost

eating the ice cream.

- Oh, no, that wasn't Colin.

That was me.

I just looked like Colin

for some reason.

- But I thought you looked

like Omari Hardwick.

- Yeah, but it's like you said.

You turn into other people

during your dreams.

- Yes, but dreams

do come from somewhere.

Do people think you're g*y?

- I don't know.

I mean, I'm sure someone thinks

I've done something g*y

to make it in show business,

but that's understandable.

- How is that understandable?

- Because everybody thinks

you gotta do something g*y

to get into show business.

- Are you sure that's not just

something you think

'cause of your own

insecurities?

- Yes, I'm sure.

Wait a minute,

you think I'm h*m*?

- I don't know.

- What do you mean

you don't know?

You're my therapist.

You're supposed to know.

- Wait, what?

I thought we were role-playing.

I'm a prost*tute.

- Sex worker.

Let's just say

you're an actual therapist.

- Oh, my God,

is this why you hired me,

to dress up like this

and listen to your dreams?

I thought this was sex fantasy.

- No, no, no, it is. It is.

I--I wanna have sex with you.

I'm just--I'm just, uh,

working up to it.

You know what I'm saying?

I just wanna believe that

you're my therapist,

and then

I can have sex

with my therapist, you know?

- You're being yourself.

I'm the one in character.

- I got a couple more dreams,

we'll talk about my childhood,

and then into sex.

When you hear m*therf*ckers

talk about "Hollywood parties,"

it's always, "Yeah, they have

'g*y Hollywood parties,'"

and then you go on and listen

to what they're talking about,

and it's like,

"Yeah, I walked in the room,

and I saw two n*gg*s kissing."

I'm like,

"Yeah, man, that's--

that's probably just a couple."

- Yeah.

[laughter]

- "It wasn't a g*y party.

You just saw two g*y guys

at a party."

But that's what people think.

That would be enough to justify

every insecurity

they've ever had

about what goes on

"in Hollywood."

[thrilling music]

[timer beeping and ticking]

- Damn it!

The sick b*stard

left us here to die.

- What are we gonna do?

- There's nothing we can do!

- Guys, it's gonna be fine.

Atomic Twan knows we're here.

He'll save us!

- Atomic Twan?

- While searching

for a well-lit place

to make his TikToks,

Twan, the inept night-shift

security guard,

accidentally trapped himself

in an atomic force generator,

where he obtained

superhuman powers!

Then he became

- Ah, f*ck.

- Not that guy.

- What do you mean?

♪

There he is!

- Uh-uh!

Y'all ain't supposed

to be in here.

We are closed.

- There's a b*mb!

You have to untie us!

- First of all, calm down.

'Cause what y'all not gonna do

is yell at me.

I ain't even supposed to be

working today.

- See what I'm saying?

This dude sucks.

- We're not yelling at you,

Twan.

- Time-out.

Who told y'all to bring a b*mb

in here in the first place?

This is a bank.

- We didn't bring the b*mb.

- Well, I didn't do it,

if that's what

you're trying to say.

- Jesus Christ, can you just

untie us?

- I guess I could do that.

- I knew you could do it!

- Ah-ah!

I didn't say I could do it.

I said I would try.

- You just said--

- Don't argue.

♪

[timer beeping and ticking]

- Oh, my God.

There's ticking.

What is the ticking?

There's a lot of ticking

up in this b*tch.

Sounds like a b*mb's going off

or something.

- 'Cause it is a b*mb!

- Oh, sh**t.

This thing says it's about

to blow up right now.

- [groans]

- Oh, my God.

- I'm about to turn

this thing off

'cause this ticking

is driving me cuckoo bananas.

- Thank you, finally.

- What's your password?

- Our what?

- Your password for this little

b*mb thingy

so I can turn it off!

- It's not our b*mb!

- Well, it's not mines!

- Can't you just

use your superpowers

to untie us and fly us

out of here?

- Fly you where?

- Anywhere.

- Uh-uh!

I ain't gonna be flying

y'all all over the place

like Boo Boo the Fool.

Tell me exactly how far

y'all trying to go first.

- Literally anywhere, man!

- Pick a place!

[tense music]

- Florence!

- Yes, Mr. Michael?

You call me?

- Yeah, I want you

to settle a bet

for my white friend here.

How do you think I made it

in show business?

- Well, I'm not sure,

but I bet through hard work

and determination.

- No, no, no, no.

No sucking up. Just be honest.

How do you really think

I made it in show business?

- Well

- You think I did

some g*y sh*t, don't you?

- No!

- See? Nobody thinks that.

- Well, I didn't say

nobody thinks that.

I definitely heard that before.

- See?

- Really?

- But I don't believe it.

I think that

you're just a co*n.

- A co*n? What?

- Well, you told me

to be honest.

- What's a co*n?

- It's a Black person

that'll do anything

to please white people

in order to make it.

You know, like a sellout.

- So according to you,

Black people won't make it

unless they do something g*y

or sell out?

- Or sacrifice a family member

in a blood sacrifice.

But that's not according to me.

That's just what people say.

- What people?

- Black people!

- Why?

- Because it's fun.

You telling me white people

don't do that?

You guys don't tear down

your celebrities?

- No. I definitely don't.

- So you think

every white celebrity

just made it because of talent

and hard work?

- Yes.

- All right.

I guess we just think

it's hard to believe

that a Black person

could make it in this country

without having to compromise

in some way,

whether it's as crazy

as k*lling a family member

or doing some g*y sh*t

or being a co*n.

- Maybe that's why you were

Colin Jost in the dream.

- What do you mean?

- Because you're afraid

that's how Black people

see you.

- As a Black Colin Jost?

Because we're both handsome

and graduated from Harvard!

- No, that's not

what I mean at all.

What I mean is,

maybe you're afraid

Black people see you as white.

- What? That's stupid.

And you call yourself

a therapist.

- I'm a prost*tute,

and you said earlier

when the girl asked

if you felt pressure

to help Black people

with your platform,

you said no.

- But that's not even true;

I use my platform

to help Black people

all the time.

- Do you? Mm-hmm.

- The f*ck is that

supposed to mean, Florence?

- Maybe we all do what we can,

but some of us need to stand up

a little bit more.

That's all I'm saying.

- g*dd*mn, Florence.

Black people are the most

liberal people I know,

but they're also the most

conservative people I know,

where they're willing

to stand up for injustice

as long as it ain't

something they don't tolerate.

[laughter]

[crowd cheering]

- Welcome to the

Washington Wonders Arena.

- I know we've been receiving

a lot of backlash

for kneeling during

the national anthem

[crowd booing]

But I say we continue

to use our platform

and kneel until we see

significant change

in this country, huh?

- Yeah, that's right!

- In a world plagued

by injustice

- Injustice for one

is injustice for all,

right, fellas?

[all shouting]

- Comes the story of one man

willing to stand

for what's right

in the face of adversity.

- We will not stop kneeling

until there is equality

for Black trans women

in this country!

- For who?

- He was

- Black trans women

have it harder than anybody,

and we, as Black men in power,

have to use our platform

to protect them!

- Man, I don't know about that.

- "The New York Times"

called it

"a movie."

"Variety" magazine says,

"Nope."

And "The Shade Room"

is calling it

"woooooooooow."

- An injustice for one

is an injustice for all,

remember?

[all murmuring]

- I guess, yeah.

- An original

heartwarming anthem

by Grammy and Oscar

Award-winning

recording artists John Legend

and Common

would've been nice,

but they were unresponsive.

- Wait a minute!

Captain's right.

Trans women

should be protected.

- Thank you!

- Plus, some of them

looking a'ight too.

- Maybe don't help me.

- Don't you wanna be the face

of the Black trans movement?

[heartfelt music]

- Look at this picture

right here.

Now, y'all going to tell me

this n*gga ain't thick?

- Can I tell you something?

This is actually really fun.

Like, I get why people

go to therapy now.

- Hey, man, I don't mind

talking to you as friend--

I mean, you seem okay--

but if you want to talk

to real therapist,

I can recommend people.

- Nah.

Therapy's not for me.

That's for crazy people.

- It absolutely is for you.

- I can't see myself

just paying a complete stranger

to listen to all my problems.

- That's exactly

what you're doing right now

with a prost*tute.

- Sex worker.

But this is different.

I'm only paying

for the sex part.

The talking is actually fun.

- This isn't fun.

This is actually

kind of depressing,

and I get paid

to do f*cked-up stuff.

- Oh, come on.

- But this is first time

I feel sad for client.

- Aw.

- No.

- Thank you.

[gentle music]

♪

- How you doing, son?

Can I rap with you for a sec?

- Sure.

- Your mama told me

you're going into showbiz.

Said you landed a gig

and everything.

- Yep.

- That's good.

That's real good.

So look, when you get out

to Hollywood,

you're gonna meet a lot

of different types

of people out there.

- Dad.

- And some of them may ask you

to do some things you may not

be comfortable with.

- I'm not gonna do

anything g*y, Dad.

- Good. Good.

That's--that's good.

All right, well, I guess

I'll see you around, then.

- Hey, Dad, wait.

- What is it, son?

- What if I don't make it?

What if I'm not good enough?

- Whoo, you sound

just like me.

- You did comedy?

- No, no. Close.

I did porno.

- What?

- They were laying off folks

down at the car wash.

Mr. Gibson, the owner,

invited me and a couple fellas

up to the office,

said he liked our look.

Took our shirts off,

threw some oil on,

did some muscle man poses,

they snapped some Polaroids.

Him and his wife said

they was doing a website.

- What, a website?

So this was recently?

- No, no, this was years ago.

About three years.

But look, man, the reason

why I didn't say anything

is because as crazy

as it sounds,

I was embarrassed by it.

- Yeah, you should

be embarrassed!

- Yeah, that's true.

- I can't believe you did that.

- Mm-hmm.

That's me right there.

- Oh, come on, man!

- I'm the one in the mask.

- Yeah, yes, I see.

Dad, you're a porn star!

- Sex worker.

The point is this.

You're always gonna have doubts

when you're embarking

on something new.

"Am I good enough for this?

Am I worthy of success?

Is it weird that there are

no cameras at this sh**t?"

But you can't let

none of that stop you

from following your dreams.

As long as you be true

to yourself,

you're gonna be all right.

- I guess.

- Hey, and if that cat

Lorne Michaels

need any adult talent--

- Dad.

- Okay, all right.

I'm just saying.

You know, you miss 100%

of the shots you don't take.

- I'll ask him, Dad.

- All right.

♪

[funky music]

♪

- Hey, Florence.

Where'd that lady go?

- She left!

After you started crying

and fell asleep, remember?

- Yeah, I guess.

Would you make me

some coffee, please?

- Uh, sure. I guess.

You realize I'm not

actually a maid, right?

I'm a prost*tute.

- Sex worker.

- Whatever.

Do you still want

to have sex or what?

I mean, you only got

about 15 minutes left.

- I wanna have sex, okay?

I just want you

to bring me coffee first

so I can get into this whole

"having sex with a maid" thing.

- All right, man,

it's your $200.

- Thank you.

- You Hollywood n*gg*s

are really weird.

♪

[funky music]

- If I had a superhero power

ah, man, I'd probably--

it'd be sad.

It'd probably be, like,

Alcoholic Man.

I don't know.

[laughter]

I got bit by a radioactive

tequila worm.

That's great. [chuckling]

And became Alcoholic Man.

♪