01x02 - Bourbon & Water

[bunniefuu]

She was the jealous type and

I used to cheat on her.

A relationship feels like

two people

carrying a couch

up a flight of stairs,

and every year is another

flight of stairs.

And you're at the bottom

and sometimes you're like,

"I don't got it."

And she's like, "Push!"

and you're like

[chuckling]

"You need someone stronger."

[laid-back jazz music]

♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪

- Can I get you a water, buddy?

- Uh, yeah.

And, uh, put bourbon in it

and leave out the water.

Nothing? Yeah?

I thought it was funny.

- You all right?

- Yeah, everything's fine.

[dissonant tonal crescendo]

- Everything is not okay

with us.

- Everything is fine.

- I can't do this anymore,

Michael.

- What? Can't do what?

What are you talking about?

- This.

Whether this is, I'm done.

- You know, that's

forget it.

- Say it.

- No, forget it.

- This is what I'm talking

about, Michael.

You never tell me

how you actually feel.

- Because every time

I tell you,

you freak out

and start swinging, remember?

- Doesn't that tell you

something?

♪

- It's on me, brother.

- Thank you.

Brother.

[spacey guitar music building]

♪

[pensive bass line]

- No matter

how hard you try ♪

You can't stop me now ♪

[indistinct excited chatter]

- Okay. Hey, everybody.

Calm down.

Let's get in our seats.

All right, kids.

Today, we have a very special

guest joining us

to talk about the dangers

of addiction.

They're all yours.

- Thank you.

Hello, kids.

My name is Mr. Clarence,

And I grew up a regular kid

just like all of you.

Hanging with my friends,

going to parties,

getting into trouble.

But sometimes,

things that seem

like harmless fun

can lead

to a serious addiction.

That's what happened to me.

- Was you addicted to drugs?

- No.

I can quit drugs anytime.

Sometimes, I go two days

without getting high.

I got hooked on something much

more dangerous than drugs.

I became to addicted

to something called

Hoes.

[riotous laughter]

Shut up!

[silence]

This sh*t ain't funny.

- Hey, hey, everybody relax.

Everybody settle.

Hey, man, what the hell

are you doing?

- I'm sharing my story

of addiction,

but these children

started laughing at me.

- All good, man.

Just chill out.

We were just expecting you

to talk about

more traditional addictions

like drugs and alcohol.

- But that stuff is not

the real problem.

Research shows that hoes

are the number one cause

of all misery

and destructive behavior.

- What research?

- My research!

I been sitting at home for

months thinking about this sh*t

and I realized that

before hoes came into my life,

I was fine.

- I don't think you should be

here talking to children.

- So you gonna take her side?

- Whose side?

- You don't get it, man.

I lost everything.

My house, my money, my friends,

I lost my damn mind,

all 'cause of hoes!

- Hey.

You need to not call women

that.

- I'm not talking

about "women."

All rectangles are not squares.

- What?

- Let me explain.

According to the research

- Are you drunk right now?

- I had me a little taste

just to level me out before--

- No, no, you need to go.

- Don't you remember

what it was like?

- What what was like?

- Before hoes.

Come on, man.

You know what I mean.

[soft dramatic music]

Remember when it was just you

and your buddies

riding your bike,

playing in the dirt,

not a care in the world.

Remember how happy we were?

Don't you wish

you could go back?

That's why I'm here.

To warn these children

so they can grow up

to be better than us.

I look in they little faces

and I see myself.

Especially in that one.

Hey, kid.

What's your mama name?

- Denise Jones.

- And what's your daddy name?

- I don't know.

- Oh, no.

[dissonant tonal crescendo]

[school bell rings]

- A lot of stuff you learned

in school

you're not gonna use

in the real world.

Like pi equals 3.14.

Who the f*ck tells you how big

a circle is with a number?

You just use your hands.

[crew laughs]

That's what a pi is.

It's about this big.

So you're seeing somebody else?

- [scoffs]

I'm not even gonna answer that.

- Because you're seeing

somebody else.

- Because what difference

does it make?

I don't wanna be with you.

- Wow.

- I'm not happy.

There's no passion anymore.

We don't even make love.

- I'm always tryna f*ck

and you're always saying no.

- I just don't like having sex

at your place

surrounded

by all your sneakers.

- Well, I don't like having sex

at your place

surrounded

by all your candles.

I'm not a f*ck' vampire.

- Whatever.

I mean, you always just

fall asleep anyway.

- Because I jerk off before

I get there like a gentleman.

[quirky dramatic music]

- Oh, no!

- What happened?

- It happened again, huh?

You found the perfect video

to masturbate to,

but you already jerked off

for the night

to a much worse video.

So now you gotta wait till

tomorrow to jerk off again

or till after

the next time you pee,

whichever comes first.

There's got to be

a better way.

[bright upbeat music]

- Hi.

I'm Dr. Thurgood Carver.

And ever since I had my license

to practice medicine revoked,

I've had a lot of time

to think.

Mostly about

what if there was a pill

that would give you enough

energy to masturbate

even after

you just masturbated?

I call it

[chimes jingle]

The 2nd Chance Pill.

Oh, there it is.

[gasps softly]

Just that size,

costs $5, maybe $10?

Would you pay for that?

sh*t, I'd pay for that.

[chuckles]

[chimes jingle]

[upbeat music]

- [sighs]

- You got any energy left

for me?

- No. I just whacked off.

I'm pretty tired.

- Oh.

Well, what about

the 2nd Chance Pill?

- I already took it.

Jacked off twice.

- Okay, well, can you take

another one for me?

- I only have two left.

- Well, you can buy some more,

right?

- And are you gonna give me

the $10 for another pill?

- $10?

I thought it was $5.

- Sometimes they're $10.

- Fine, I will give you $10

but I wanna have sex right now.

It's been months.

- But I haven't peed yet

and it's gonna sting.

- What?

- Yeah

the 2nd Chance Pill

by Dr. Thurgood Carver.

[chuckles]

Yeah, works so well,

you'll be saying,

"Hell, maybe we was wrong about

that Dr. Thurgood Carver.

"Yeah, maybe we owe that guy

an apology.

"And his license

to practice medicine again.

And his office too."

[soft dramatic music]

But it'll too late.

Yeah.

See, 'cause I already got all

your names on my sh*t list.

[blows air]

I like the sound of that.

Yeah, I'm gonna land

on my feet.

And you'll all be sorry.

You'll see.

You'll all see.

♪

With my 2nd Chance Pill.

- It's not just about the sex.

When was the last time we even

went somewhere nice?

- We're somewhere nice now.

Look, this is nice.

- This does not count.

Your apartment

is right upstairs.

I could call your Alexa

from here.

- So what? You wanna be like

all your friends on Instagram

posting pictures of fancy

restaurants and vacations

pretending to be

in a perfect relationship?

- Yes!

Of course!

What's so bad about that?

- It's not real.

All of that's fake.

- At least they're being fake

on a beach in Tulum

and not arguing at a bar

in their lobby.

- Fine. If you wanna be

a Instagram thot,

I can't stop you.

- God, you are so annoying.

- If you wanna be like

all your friends,

go get yourself

a fake butt and a OnlyFans

and spread your cheeks

for Bitcoins and likes.

I don't care.

Oh, I don't--

I don't do social media.

Well, first of all,

nothing's real there.

It's like one of them

fast food commercials.

You know, you see, like,

a Arby's commercial,

and they're like,

"Arby's has filet mignon!"

and you're like,

"How's that f*ck' possible?"

And you see the picture

of the filet mignon

and it looks amazing.

You're like, "What the f*ck?

"How does Arby's have

filet mignon?

This is impossible.

For $2?"

And then you go

to f*ck' Arby's

and you see the filet mignon

and it looks like sh*t

in person.

You're like, "Oh, yeah,

that's right, this is Arby's.

Why did I believe that this

would be anything different?"

That's exactly what it's like

meeting somebody

from Instagram.

- I think that's the only

healthy way to deal with it.

Now, if you're looking

for a McChicken,

then go get a McChicken.

- Why you always gotta come

for my friends?

I don't talk about them trash

n*gg*s you hanging out with.

- Because my trash n*gg*s

ain't tryna break us up.

They like you.

- How did you expect this

to end?

- I don't know. I thought

you wanted to get married.

- To you?

[laughs]

- Yeah.

Why you say it like that?

- Che, there are

a million reasons

why we cannot get married.

[excited applause]

[drum roll]

[upbeat music]

- Welcome back

to "Couples Feud:

Wedding Edition."

Before the break

- We got Grace's

Insta Hoe Friends.

- And we got Michael

and his Trash n*gg*s.

Michael & friends: Yeah!

Grace & friends: Boo!

- Name one reason why these two

shouldn't be together.

- She could be with somebody

way cuter.

[audience exclaiming]

- Don't listen to her, yo.

You're cute, yo.

Your whole body cute.

- Thank you!

- He always got on a hoodie

and some sneakers everywhere.

He's just a as*h*le, Steve.

- Show me

the boy's an as*h*le.

[buzzer blares]

guys: [imitating buzzer]

- All right, mama.

We comin' to you.

- Uh, maybe he just drinks

too much?

- That's a good point,

she got me.

- Let me see your boy's

a fall-down drunk.

[buzzer blares]

- What?

[jeers and applause]

- All right, Grace.

We got one answer left

on the board.

Now if you get it right,

you win the argument.

You don't get it right,

the Trash n*gg*s could steal.

- You know what I'm sayin'?

- I'm gonna repeat

the question.

Name one reason y'all two

shouldn't be together.

[dramatic suspenseful music]

- Okay.

I got it, Steve.

I'm gonna say

"He Doesn't Love Me."

[bell rings]

[cheers and applause]

- What?

Of course I love you.

- Then how come

you never say it?

- We say it to each other

all the time.

- n*gga, when?

I love you.

- All right, woman.

- I love you, babe.

- You're so g*y.

I f*ck' love Stone Cold.

- I loveyou.

- What?

- Psh, forget it.

- What?

- [sighs] You're so stupid.

- What?

[chuckles]

Like Stone Cold does.

[bell rings]

I say "I love you"

all the time, just

not to anyone I'm dating.

When you say, "I love you"

to a girl, it's a--

you're signing a contract.

You have to live up

to that sh*t.

Like, I've never told

my mother, "I love you"

and she was like, "Prove it."

- So what are some ways

to identify hoes?

Just raise your hands

if you know the answer.

Don't be shy.

What about you?

What's your name?

- Michael.

- Can you guess something

that a hoe might do?

- Um, sleep around?

- Yes, that's a good answer.

Let's put that on the board

as number one.

"Sleep around."

Anybody else?

- They lie.

- That is a great answer.

I know a bunch

of lyin'-a*s hoes.

Let's make that number one

instead.

And let's also put

"call me crazy

"'cause I bought her a pager

"just to know

where she is all the time."

[quirky dramatic music]

- A lot of girls

are going missing lately.

- That's right.

[toilet flushes]

- Cha, cha, wow, watch me! ♪

[singing to self]

Hey, man, what's your problem?

- What?

- We do this every time.

I try to turn the water on

for you

and you turn it on instead.

I try to dry you off

and you use the damn machine.

Look, I'm trying to work here.

Did I do something to you?

- No, man.

I just don't need this.

- Well, I do!

- Look, you right.

I'm just--

I'm just going through

something right now, man.

- Look

I can't help you

if you don't let me in.

- [sighs]

It's just

everything's falling apart.

- You want some cologne?

- And I know it's my fault,

but I--

- You want a condom?

- How did I get here?

- Most likely, you had a sh*t.

You was drinking

straight bourbon all night

and that stuff will

tear up your insides.

- It wasn't always like this.

[peaceful music]

- [laughing]

- I know, right?

[indistinct chatter]

- Can I start you off

with some water?

- Uh, yeah, actually.

But with bourbon and no water.

- [laughs]

You so silly.

So how do you know this place?

- I actually live

right upstairs.

- Seriously?

- Yeah.

- You bring your dates here

all the time, huh?

- Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

That--

come on, that'd be gross.

- Mm-hmm?

- Let me get myself out

of this, uh

what kind of guys do you date?

Do you date, like,

rappers and ball players?

- Nah.

Why would you think that?

- I don't know.

I just see you as somebody

that's mad successful.

- I've gone on one date

with a rich guy.

It wasinteresting.

[laughter]

And so I had to walk home

soaked in fruit pulp

- [laughing]

Oh, no.

- And it wasn't even

the actual Gallagher.

- [laughing]

That is so funny.

- [chuckles]

- I like you.

- Oh, good.

- Pardon me

for being so forward,

but I'd like to go home

with you.

- [chuckles] Whoa.

Slow down, man.

We just got here.

- I want you badly.

Look, I know what

you're thinking,

but I actually pride myself

in the fact

I can make a woman cl*max

with cunnilingus.

- What now?

- Cunnilingus?

The art of performing oral sex?

- No, I got it.

Where is this coming from?

- I know what you're thinking,

but I love everything about it.

- Uh-uh.

- The taste, the aroma,

the conquer.

I would devour you.

- The conquer?

- I know what you're thinking,

but I never get tired

down there.

I can do it all night long.

- Stop saying you know

what I'm thinking.

- I'd like to enjoy your vag*na

like I enjoy my cigarettes.

Right down to the butt.

- What the f*ck is wrong

with you?

- Sorry, I didn't mean

to offend you.

- Well, you did,

you f*ck' creep.

- I apologize.

I don't go on a lot

of first dates.

I know what you're thinking,

but

pretty girls like you

don't go out with guys like me.

I'm sorry.

I should leave.

- Hey, wait.

- Change your mind?

- So what about you?

What kind of girls do you date?

- I know what you're thinking.

"Oh, this guy probably dates

all the models

and actresses--"

- No, I don't see that.

- Well, I mean, I have dated

models before, but I--

- I see you with somebody,

like, nerdy.

- Oh.

- You know, somebody that,

like, gets your jokes.

- Oh. [chuckles] Oh, okay.

- [laughs]

- I've never known a

relationship was over first.

There's been so many times

I've been in a argument

with a girl

where I thought

everything was fine

and she was like,

"This is f*cking stagnant."

And then understand,

"Oh, yeah. Right.

This is done."

- All right, Trash n*gg*s.

It's your chance

to take the board.

Name one reason why these two

shouldn't be together.

- He probably ain't tappin' her

right, Steve.

- She belong to the streets,

Steve.

- Yo mama belong

to the streets.

- And she be slappin' the sh*t

out of him.

- Hey.

- That was one time.

- Wish somebody would hit

my a*s.

- All right.

- All right, Mike.

It's all on you.

Name one reason why you two

shouldn't be together.

- Well, first of all, Steve,

we should be together.

[audience groans]

- b*tch-a*s n*gg*s.

- But I'ma go on my own

[dramatic music]

And say that she's being

too dramatic.

- Good answer!

[audience oohs and ahhs]

- Dramatic?

- What?

- As usual.

You know how she--

- You sure you wanna go

with that answer, son?

- [scoffs]

You think I'm being dramatic?

- Yes.

- After everything I just said,

after I pour my heart out

to you

and tell you that I'm unhappy,

you say I'm being dramatic?

- Okay, so now

you're gonna start crying,

you're gonna flip out,

hit me in my nose again,

make me out to be the bad guy,

right?

This is why I don't say sh*t.

[piano music playing]

Oh, what?

You're not gonna flip out?

- I can't put any more

into this.

- So you're done?

- We're done.

- I thought you loved me.

- Michael, you don't even know

how you wanna be loved.

♪

- I'll be right back.

[rhythmic clapping]

- Okay, son, it looks like

you f*ck' up real bad.

- Yeah, it does.

- Every time Grace tries

to make things right,

you seem to make it worse.

- Yeah, I get that, I get that.

- Get all these answers right,

maybe she'll see that you care

about this relationship

and that she didn't waste her

damn time with your dumb a*s.

- Whoo!

Let's go.

- I asked you, "Name a city

where Grace has always wanted

you to take her."

You said

[electronic chime]

That sh*t in Mexicopass.

[audience exclaims softly]

- Yeah.

I don't remember specifically.

I messed that one up,

but I know it begins with a C.

I couldn't remember the exact--

- We were looking for a Tulum.

Tulum.

- Tulum, Tulum.

- Don't sound like a damn C

to me.

- By the sea.

- We asked you,

"Name Grace's favorite singer."

You said

that ugly dude

with the six pack

and light eyes. f*ck. Pass.

- I don't remember his name.

That's mostly right.

- I asked you,

"What is Grace's zodiac sign?"

- Oh, my God. He don't know.

- He don't know.

- [chuckling]

Your a*s said spring.

- I blanked. That was

just, like, a brain fart.

- I asked you,

"Name her favorite movie."

But honestly,

it's not even on this card.

I just wanted you to get

something right.

You know what your a*s said?

You said

"Naked and Afraid."

[audience exclaiming softly]

That's a g*dd*mn TV show.

Just for fun,

do you like that show?

- No, Steve.

- What?

You always watch that show.

-You'realways watching it.

I just like to cuddle

next to you.

[audience exclaiming]

- Damn.

- So you see, kids,

hoes can be anybody.

You think you're meeting

someone nice,

but they're not nice.

They're hoes.

They act like they love you.

They don't love you.

They only love themselves.

- Alexa, play something sad.

- Playing something sad.

[R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts"]

- Everybody cries ♪

[moody acoustic guitar music]

- [sighs]

♪

Everybody hurts ♪

♪

- Sometimes ♪

- Sometimes ♪

Come on, you know the words.

♪

- And they will use you

and use you

till you don't have no more

to give.

And they on to the next.

- Sometimes ♪

- So don't fall

for any of they tricks.

Just say no to hoes.

So when you see a hoe,

what are you gonna do?

all: Run!

- That's right.

[children giggling]

As fast as you can.

- Hold on ♪

h*-- ♪

[notification chimes]

- Hey, Che.

- Oh, hey.

- Sorry I'm late.

- No, it's fine, it's fine.

Sit down.

- I love this place.

- Yes.

- Good job.

- You guys wanna order

something?

- Um, I'll just take

a water right now.

- I'll do a water as well.

But with bourbon and no water.

- [laughs]

Funny.

- It is funny.

See? It was funny.

- Oh, he didn't feel it.

[funk music]

♪