02x08 - The Bigger Man

[bunniefuu]

- Okay.

Here we go.

This is the beginning of something big

and now we prepare ourselves
to take on the challenge.

I want you all to visualize success.

Imagine a river,

flowing with money.

You stand on the bank of that river
holding a net,

fishing out... as much money as you can.

You dump the money out of the net,
it is sopping wet.

Now, visualize yourself taking that money

to the f*cking bank.

The teller, he says, "Hey, man,
why is your money kinda wet?"

And you say, "Don't worry about it."

Manager comes over,
takes a look at the money.

"We're gonna let it slide this time."

That's right, f*ck head.

You're gonna let it slide this time

'cause it's a lot of f*ck' money!

Now visualize yourself smiling

as you realize
you've attained financial stability

for the first time in your adult life.

Huh!
Huh!

Hyah!
Hyah!

- Hyah!

- Uh, for the record, I don't think

that this is the best slogan
for this part of LA.

Well, why the hell didn't you speak up

when we were dropping four-hundo,

getting these things printed?

- I didn't wanna rock the boat.

Well, you're rocking it right now.

You're rocking it
and there's water sloshing over the sides.

- Pretty good turnout, huh?

- Yeah.

- Dawg, are you f*ck' crying?

- No.

I mean, yeah.

- Ugh.

Never thought I'd have my own business.

I'm gonna have a legacy.

You know, my kids could work here.

- Yeah, but they'd have to be ex-felons.

- Yeah, well, you don't
gotta worry about that.

Hey.

- What's up, fool? You ready
to stunt your growth with coffee?

- I don't like coffee. It's gross.

- Well, leave then.
Nobody wants your a*s here anyways.

- Shut up.

- Can you believe
my stupid-a*s cousin is crying?

Corny-a*s fool.

- What's wrong with you? He's happy.
Aren't you happy?

- I'm dead inside.
What do you want from me?

- I want you to stop being
a cynical dumbass.

You gotta appreciate moments like these.

- I'll see what I can do.

- Okay. This sh*t
is going off the f*ck' rails.

We gotta stop with the freebies.

Your abuelita is robbing us blind.

We're hemorrhaging money.
We gotta start pushing the merch hard.

Nobody's bought sh*t yet
and I'm calling it right now,

those punch cards you talked me into

are gonna come back
and f*ck us in the a*s.

- Uh, hey, Payne.
Yes.

- This is Teresa,
I've been telling you about.

- Oh, yeah, you're the chick with the kid

and you're the kid, huh?

Getting enough water?

- So nice to finally meet you.

Julio's told me so much about you.

And congrats on the opening.

You should both feel proud.

- Finally, some good news.

Now I don't have to f*ck' k*ll myself.

Julio, come with me.

We gotta talk to somebody important.

There he is!
- I'll be right back.

Try a muffin.
- Yeah.

- Lenny, it's been too long.

There he is.

Curtis, I want you to meet Julio Lopez,

the inspiring visionary
behind Mugs Not th*gs.

- Trust me, I'm not a visionary.
Just a guy who likes coffee.

- Curtis is the voice
of the working class.

You know, he wrote the very first writeup
on Hugs Not th*gs.

He put us on the map.

He's one of the only ethical journalists
left in the game.

And back in the day,
we organized protests,

we helped the school janitors unionize.

Hell, I even took
a rubber b*llet for this guy.

- And he never fails to bring it up.

So, Julio, you wanna tell me your story?

- Well--

- Julio is a first-generation
Mexican American success story.

He used to work with me at Hugs Not th*gs.

- And now you have your own nonprofit.

- Actually, uh, Mugs Not th*gs
is a for-profit business.

But, you know,
we're still gonna help people.

- The--

Lenny, I thought you told me on the phone

that this was nonprofit.

- Technically for-profit,
but nonprofit values.

Hey, you want a muffin?

Julio, get the man a muffin, please.

You gotta taste
the product before you write

what I hope will be a glowing review.

- Even if you do go through
a reform program,

there's still a stigma attached

to ex-felons applying for jobs.

So that's what this place is good for.

Would be nice if they gave us
some health benefits.

Say, what if a n*gga gets sick?

- Of course, all the employees
will be getting benefits very soon,

but first we are going
to reinvest all the capital

back into the business
so we can franchise.

- Pretty ambitious.

We wanna open stores in Japan,

reform the Yakuza and sh*t.

You know, what would be
good for the article

is a group picture, right?

Everybody, uh, grab an apron.

We're gonna do a picture, okay?

Let's gather around right up here.

Line up here.
Tall people in the back.

On three, I want everybody to smile.

I wanna see teeth.

Kid, smile like you got
a new lollipop or some sh*t, please.

Here we go. Ready?

One, two, three.

Joining us now is Mary,

she's devastated
that her 15-year-old son, Pedro,

slept with four girls in one day

and claims to be a sex machine--

- Hey, so,

I was like thinking
about some stuff earlier.

You know, like life and sh*t.

- What, did you say something?

- Uh, no. Nah.

Well--

Just, you know, life's a trip, huh?

You know,
we only got a short time to live.

- Can you stop mumbling?
I'm trying to watch this.

- Sorry.

Uh, it--

It's just that, you know,

I was thinking, like,
I'm getting pretty old in dog years...

...which means like, you know,

it's probably time to maybe, like--

You know?
- Wait, what are you saying?

- Well, basically
what I'm trying to say is, like,

you know are you down to

marrying me and sh*t?

- Are you proposing right now?

- Well, I mean, I don't have
a ring or nothing, but--

Oh, sh*t, you know what? I do got a ring.

But like, full disclosure,
I did give this ring

to my ex-fiance and the diamond is fake,

but, you know,
I'll get you a real-a*s diamond soon.

sh*t. f*ck.

Just give me one second.

Uh, basically, I want us to be
together on our deathbed,

you know, with all our kids
gathered around,

holding hands and sh*t.

And our grandkids, you know,

they're all crying and sh*t,

like, "Oh, amá, apa."

And, "Grandma, Grandpa,
don't die, please."

But we're like, "Nah, we're about
to f*ck' die right now for real."

And it'll be, you know, beautiful

'cause we'll be together.

I guess what I'm trying to say is--

let me make you a grandma.

- Will you two
please get the f*ck out of here?

- We were waiting for the right moment,
but it never came.

- Yeah, sorry about that.
We're gonna get outta here.

- I'm sorry. Is there some kind of
problem or something?

Luis, what the f*ck?

You can't just bring this sh*t on me,

talking about grandchildren and sh*t.

I don't even want kids.

- Oh, sh*t.

Have your insides gone all dead and sh*t?

- I can have kids, dumbass.
I just don't want kids.

- Yeah, but, you know,
you wanna have my kids, though, right?

- No, I like my life the way it is.

I travel and I don't wanna give that up.

I'm not even sure
if I wanna get married again.

- Wait, do you even f*ck' love me?

Or you just been wasting my time?

You know, I'm glad
you've been having "fun" or whatever

but my biological c*ck is ticking.

- You know what?

You're acting real emotional right now

and I'm not about that drama.

So I'ma go.

- I mean, come on, don't--
- Don't touch me.

- Well, f*ck you, then!

I don't wanna marry your a*s anyway!

f*ck' weirdo.

- Did she say yes?

- There you go, one oatmilk cappuccino.

Enjoy.
- Thank you.

- You proposed to her
in that gross-a*s garage.

What are you, f*ck' stupid?

- Hey, I was trying
to be spontaneous, alright?

Keep it exciting.

- Nah, fool. You gotta plan that sh*t out.

Show her you thought about it.

When I proposed to my wife,

I was wearing my best suit
at the restaurant

where we had our first date,
but I spilled pasta on it.

But I had it planned because I had
my second best suit in the car.

Next month, we celebrate
our seven-year anniversary.

Alright, but it shouldn't matter
how I ask her

to marry me if she really loves me.

She don't even wanna
have my f*ck' kids.

- You can't blame her for that.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Having kids? It ain't natural.

You scrubs ever seen
The Miracle of Life?

- Nah.
- Uh-uh.

- sh*t's f*cked up.

- Extra, extra. Read all about it.

We got a shitty review.

Julio.

- It's a f*ck' hit piece.

- What?
- I said, it's a f*ck' hit piece.

- Come on. It can't be that bad.

Read it.

"The story of Mugs Not th*gs
is easy to root for.

"A first-generation
Mexican American native

"to South Central brings premium coffee

to the underserved community
in which he was weaned."

Sounds pretty good so far.

Keep f*ck' reading.

But wade a little deeper
into its coffee-stained waters

and you'll find the real story
of Mugs Not th*gs is one of unfettered--

- Avarice?

- It's avar-a*s. It means greed.

- You need a f*ck' thesaurus
to read this sh*t.

"Mugs Not th*gs is actually run
by a wolf in sheep's clothing"?

That huckster's name
is Minister Leonard Payne,

a man once dedicated
to reforming ex-felons,

who now exploits those he used to help.

- He says it's just a cynical cash grab
and I'm pulling all the strings.

- What the f*ck?
I thought this was your guy.

- Yeah, I thought so, too.

Wait till you hear this.

Payne's lust for money
extends to the Internet,

where he wh*res himself out
on the digital streets of OnlyFans.

For $69.69 you can take a gander

at his moderately oversized phallus.

- Your sh*t ain't moderately oversized.

It's the f*cking size of a baseball bat.

- I'll leave you with this.

The coffee and muffins
were actually pretty good

but nothing could wash the acrid taste

of late-stage capitalism outta my mouth.

- Hey, he did say
the coffee's pretty good.

- He sold us out for clickbait.

- Don't let this sh*t get to you.
It's not that big a deal.

- This will f*ck our business.

If we don't start making more money,
we're gonna have to fire Jorge.

- Everybody knows Jorge's deadweight.

We can throw him overboard at any point

and it would change nothing.

But, listen, nobody reads
newspapers anymore.

Just let it go. Be the bigger man.

- You're right.

I'll be the bigger man.

I'm gonna put this behind me

and go wipe my a*s with this article.

What we're about to witness

is the miracle of life.

Oh!

- Oh, sh*t.

- See, y'all all did this sh*t
to your mothers.

That's why all my kids
are C-section babies.

- Damn, I gotta call my wife and apologize

for getting her pregnant so much.

Oh, my God.

I gotta go down on that woman more.

Mother's Day.

sh*t, I think I'm gonna
need MLK day off, too.

g*dd*mn.

- Now I see why Ruby got all freaked out.

I need to apologize to her.

You know, ask her for a second chance

and do it right this time.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

- Luis, I can't do this at work.

- Hey, I'm not here for drama.

Just some cookies and cream.

Porfas.

So I watched
The Miracle of Life, you know,

to try and see where you're coming from
about not wanting kids and sh*t.

and I get it now.

When that hyna gave birth,

and I saw that baby busting
through her p*ssy close-up,

it reminded me of that one part
from Ace Ventura 2,

you know, when that fool Jim
is climbing out of that rhino's a*s.

That scene used to make me laugh.

But now I know,

for that rhino,

it wasn't funny at all.

- Luis, what the f*ck
are you talking about?

- I'm saying you were right.

You know, it wasn't
fair of me to expect you

to ruin your downstairs to have my kids.

I gotta earn that sh*t.

So I was thinking maybe, you know,

you could meet me at the café Friday night

and we could just talk.

And we don't have to
talk about having kids.

We could talk about whatever.

I like talking to you,

no matter what we're talking about

because I love you, more than life itself.

But, you know, we don't
have to talk about that either.

- I have a shift that night.

But I'll see what I can do.

- Alright.

I'll see you Friday night.

Keep the change, mija.

Then I had to talk Payne
out of beating that fool's a*s.

Yeah, that article was pretty harsh

and kind of up its own a*s,

but Payne was acting kinda crazy.

Yeah, but he was just stressed out.

- I don't know.

I think he needs therapy
or meds or some sh*t.

He said he was gonna f*ck'
k*ll himself in front of Aurora.

Payne was just joking.

You and me joke about that sh*t
all the time.

- That doesn't mean he's not depressed.

Look, you met him for five minutes.

I've known him for years.
I'm telling you, he's fine.

He's not depressed.

- If you say so.

I say so. Hey, you know what?

I'll talk to you later. Bye.

Payne?
You okay?

- There's a 70-year-old woman

in Malmö, Sweden,
who's very disappointed in me right now.

I couldn't get it up, Julio.

I think Curtis is right.

I'm just a sellout and a wh*re.

And I'm not even a good wh*re.

All I do is disappoint people.

I don't know.

Maybe I need to get on medication
or something.

- Like antidepressants?

- No. Viagra.

- Man. f*ck that fool Curtis.

He's talking about us
like we're the bad guys.

We're not the bad guys.

I mean, look at us.
We live in f*cking a garage.

We're the good guys.
And you know what?

I bet you he's just jealous
of your big-a*s d*ck.

He probably has a small-a*s d*ck.

- I bet he does have a small-a*s d*ck.

- That's why he uses
all those big-a*s words

to make up for the fact
that he has a small d*ck.

You know what?
We should confront him.

We should confront him.

I'd like to see him
say that sh*t to my face.

- Bet he won't.
- He wouldn't.

- You're gonna retract
that f*ck' article.

So what if we're for-profit?

We still employ ex-felons

and you try to sh*t on us
for doing a good thing?

- Please, every company these days
has some kind of hack,

do-gooder gimmick that amounts
to nothing more than free publicity,

corporate tax write-offs, money grab.

- Whatever, man.

You acted like you were on our side,
then you sold us out.

You're no better than Obama.

- You're no better than Obama.

You deliberately misled me

so that I'd write a commercial
for your café.

You've abandoned all the principles
that you used to live by.

- Oh, shut up. If you actually knew Payne,
you'd be ashamed of the trash you wrote.

- You think I don't know Lenny?

Huh? We go way back.

And let me tell you, he's no saint.

He ever tell you why
he can't go back to New York?

- Okay, okay. This is a waste of time.

Let's go, Julio.

Yeah, that's right.
Go home and get busy.

Jerkin' off on your webcam,

pretending you're not contributing

to the downfall of society.

- What the f*ck is that about?
You're probably just jealous.

If you had a big-a*s d*ck,
you'd be milking it for profit, too.

- Oh, yeah?

Let's do it.

Lay it out there.

How about something like this?

- Dear God in heaven.

- Why do you think I have
to walk around with a cane?

You think I'm not tempted
to sell out with this thing?

Temptation is a pulsing python
that looms betwixt my thighs

and yet I have the dignity
to keep it in my f*cking pants.

Oh, sh*t.

Okay, you gotta excuse me.

I've got a lead on a case
where a rookie LAPD cop

was k*lled by his fellow officers
who were covering up

their overtime abuse.

Cop was just a kid.

- And it was cold in there.

The AC was blasting.

And still--

He's the bigger man in every respect.

- Hey, uh, what was that sh*t about
in New York?

- I don't wanna talk about it.

I'm tired, Julio.

I ran a nonprofit. It failed.

I dropped out of society.

That turned out to be a lie.

I start an OnlyFans,

my d*ck won't stay hard.

I help open a well-intentioned business,
I'm a sellout.

I used to be the guy who would
take a rubber b*llet for the cause,

now I'm just another...
failure, Gen-X piece of sh*t.

Curtis is right about me.

I've only got one option left.

- Payne!

Payne!

Payne? Payne?

What the hell was that, Lenny?

You got a death wish?

- Retract your article
or I'll f*ck' sue.

- You sick f*ck.

You're at fault here.

It's your word against mine.

- I got a witness.
He saw the whole thing.

Right, Julio?

- That's right.
You hit him. On purpose.

Attempted m*rder.

And you showed us your giant c*ck
without consent.

And after all that sh*t you've written

about the cops and judges in this town,

I'm sure they'd love to lock you up
and throw away the key.

You might have the bigger d*ck,
but I got bigger ba*ls.

I look forward to reading your retraction
in tomorrow's paper.

- You really have changed, Lenny.

- f*ck you and your Godzilla d*ck.

- And, hey... sex work is work, b*tch.

- Right.

Let's do this.

- Pretty f*ck' romantic, huh?

- Yeah.

Looking good. Yes, sir.

You look good, Luis.

Are you ready?

- You know it. Got her a new ring.

Pretty sure it's real diamonds, too.

And this time, I'm not gonna
get ahead of things, you know.

Talking about kids and sh*t.

But I do wanna give a quick shout-out

to our future children and grandchildren

who will be watching this one day.

And if Ruby and I have
already died of, like, old age

or-or maybe even a plane crash, you know,

'cause we had a sad-a*s pilot
who just flew us all to a mountain,

like, "Hey, it's over for everybody."

Uh, just know that your mom/grandma

and myself are together
in heaven, alright?

And even though it's f*ck' tight
up here, uh, we do miss you.

We miss you a lot.

Like very much so.

Uh, and also,

don't let Julio's stupid-a*s grandkids
talk down to you, alright?

Somebody's coming.
- sh*t. Everybody hide.

Hello, hello?

Hey, we're closed. Read the f*ck' sign!

Okay. Here we go.

- Sorry, my bad knee.

This one right here.

Will you marry me?

Will you f*ck' marry me?

I don't think she's coming.

- Dawg, shut the f*ck up.

I can hear you, alright?

And stop recording.

Alright, I hear you. I hear you.

- Hey, have you seen Ruby?

I think something happened to her
'cause I called her

and went to her place,
but I can't find her.

- Ruby left this morning on some trip.

- Uh, where'd she go?

- I don't know.
Argentina, Algeria or some sh*t.

She thinks she's all fancy
with her f*ck' traveling,

I'm like, "No, you're not."

- Right. Well, I knew that.

Uh, you know what?

She actually invited me, but I was like,

"Come on, girl,
this ain't the Travel Channel.

This is real life."

- So, uh, you want some ice cream or what?

- Uh, yeah, I'll take cookies and cream.

- You want fudge on that?

- Yeah.

Dear reader, mea culpa.

I was wrong.

I was wrong, I was wrong.

Mugs Not th*gs is a great new café

that's doing good for the world

and the people who work there.

- Jorge has no idea how close he came
to getting his dumbass fired.

- Jorge lives... to fight another day.

- Yeah.