02x03 - Clyde & Clyde, Pt 2

[bunniefuu]

It's Ruby! She's the one texting us!

Everyone on the f*cking ground!

I can be your hero, baby.

Ask for a plane.

I'm not that little, homey!

Shut up, b*tch.

New York City, the Big Apple!

Sonny, behind you. The g*n.

- You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Playing with our emotions like that.

You know what?
When the pizza comes,

me and Sonny are gonna eat it all.

No pizza for you.

You're never going
to get a pizza or plane.

You're going to die on an empty stomach.

- Shut the f*ck up.

And you.

How the f*ck did you do
that sh*t with our phones?

- I saw you f*ck' idiots
whining about your exes,

so I went into your contacts

and changed their numbers to my number,

and texted you
a bunch of fake-a*s bullshit.

- How'd you know our passwords?

- Every dude's password is the same.

Zero, zero, zero, zero.

- f*ck.

Well, for the record,

I do have a big-a*s d*ck.

- Yeah, me, too.
That's why I fell for it.

- If you guys really had big dicks,

your women wouldn't have
left you for better men.

- So you wanna see it, huh?

Is that what it's gonna take
to prove it to you? Alright.

- Dawg, don't take your d*ck out.

You don't need his approval.

We know what we got.

Yeah, you're right.

Hey, let's block the f*ck' doors
so these assholes don't try to escape.

- Oh, my God. Men who think
they have big dicks are ruining the world.

- Wait, so,

you think I'm ruining the world?

- No.

- Oh, so now I have a small d*ck?

- Luis, g*dd*mn.

As the chase continues into the night,

the authorities have been able to identify

the alleged bank robbers
as Erika Sanchez and Ernie Alvarez.

But who gives a hoot
about their real names?

We're calling this couple...

Bonnie and Clyde.

Move over, Romeo and Juliet.

There's new star-crossed lovers in town.

People are on the side

of the highway with signs...

- Hello?
Julio.

Uh...

Hey, how do you guys
say "hostage" in Spanish?

- I don't f*ck' know.

- I don't know.

- Uh--

- Ouch, hey.
Get the f*ck off me.

f*ck, I can't, dawg.

Just give me a second, alright?

I need to talk to her.

Hey.

Ruby?

I was just thinking how, like,

this whole situation
is pretty traumatic, huh?

- Uh-huh.

So, you know they say that

traumatic situations like this,

they bring people
closer together and sh*t.

So, this whole thing's kinda

taking our relationship to the next level,

whether either of us like it or not.

But for the record,

I kinda like it.

- Can you just please f*ck' drop it?

I'm not in the mood to talk
about this sh*t with you right now.

- Well, I am in the mood
to talk about it right now.

Why don't you wanna be my lady?

- Alright, you wanna talk about it?
Let's talk about it.

One, you ain't got a job.

That's a problem for me.

My ex-husband didn't work,
and it f*cked us up.

And two, and I know this sounds messed up,

but when you weren't able
to take Sonny down,

it was kind of a turnoff for me.

- Are you f*ck' serious?

You're coming at me like that right now?

Well, f*ck you then.

Get off of me.

- f*ck.

- Hello?

That's it.

I can't hold it anymore, dawg.

I gotta take a f*ck' piss.

Oh, it's cool.

I'll look after the hostages
while you take a leak.

Uh, just give me one of the g*ns.

- Yeah, I mean, I trust you,

but not that much.

Oh, come on, big dawg.

We're here already, at the toilet.

Let's do some work.

Do your thing, come on.

Please.

- Look, hey, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have said that sh*t earlier.

- Well, you know what? Just to clarify,
he didn't beat my a*s, alright?

Doesn't even matter anyway
'cause we're broken up now.

Now you're just some random hyna
I'm in a hostage situation with.

- Oh, yeah, well, we can't break up
if we were never together, stupid a*s.

- Goddammit, both of you shut the f*ck up.

Can't even f*ck' concentrate.

f*ck, now it's too quiet.

It's like everybody's sitting around
waiting for me to go or something.

It's making me nervous.

Like, hum a song or some sh*t.

- What song?

- I don't give f*ck, anything.

Start singing!

Or I'm gonna f*ck' sh**t somebody.

Everybody, everybody. Everybody sing.

Oh, here we go.

- Oh, h*, h*, h*!

Oh, gah, thank God.

- Oh, my God.

Thank you.

- Thirty minutes on the dot.

Look at you guys.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Hey, Rookie.

Tip the nice delivery person.

And don't be cheap.

Here you go, um--

Just take it all. Thank you.

Alright.

Dig in, everybody.

- Hey, hey, hey, what the hell?
Those are for the hostages.

- Let us worry about the pizza, Rook.

- What if it was
your son or daughter in there?

Would you still be
stuffing your faces with pizza?

It's our job to serve and protect

the people of this city.

Wow.

You know, sometimes
it's the young guys on the force

who remind us old farts
what we're doing all this for.

You're absolutely right.

They wanted pizza.

So we're gonna give 'em pizza.

Right?

And I know the perfect guy to deliver it.

Uh-oh.

Wink.

It's you.

Come on, don't be afraid.

If you don't get shot,
maybe he'll tip you.

He's got a lot of money. Robbed a bank.

- Oh, f*ck, yeah!

Pizza's here, dawg.
- Oh, f*ck, yeah.

See, I told you, f*ck' haters.

The plan's working.
We're getting that plane.

And then we're getting
our asses to Costa Rica.

- Hey, help me with this sh*t.

Yeah, yeah.

- Hey, we got your pizza out here.

Approved by a real-life New Yorker,

so you know it's good.

Come on out and get it.

Oh!

- Hey, you jokers want your pizza or not?

- Julio, check the box.
Make sure they're not trying anything.

- It's real pizza.

- Alright, now where's my plane?

- Plane?

What plane?

- The f*ck do you mean, "What plane?"

I said I wanted a plane and a pizza.

- Uh-oh!

A plane and a pizza.

Stugotz, I thought you meant
you wanted a "plain pizza."

You know, like with no toppings.

So that's all I got you.

Plain... pizza.

- Are you f*cking with me right now?

No, no, no, honest mistake.

Maybe it's the, uh, jet-lag

from when I took the red-eye here

from the greatest city in the world,

the Big Apple.

- Hey, I want my f*cking plane.

- Well, that's gonna take
a minute over here, right?

I mean, what kinda plane do you want?

You want like a big plane, small plane?

A fighter jet, like in Top g*n?

- Stop f*cking with me!

You either give me what I want,

or I'll f*cking k*ll everybody in here!

Stop testing me!

I have nothing left to live for!

Get the f*ck inside, Julio.

- Well... well, do you
still want the pizza?

- No.
Dump it on that f*ck' cop's head.

- Hey, just go ahead and do it.

Ohh!

Good job, Rook.

You know, you really made the best
out of a greasy situation.

- You're gonna get those people k*lled.

You m*therf*cker.

You are outta here!

You don't deserve OT.

You're off the clock.

Now go home.

- They're f*ck' with us, dawg.

I'm afraid we're not
gonna get that plane, man.

I mean, f*ck, how could they even
get a plane down here anyway?

- Dawg, remember a few years back

when they took the space shuttle
through the hood?

- Oh, yeah, huh?

f*ck, we shoulda asked for one of those.

- A space shuttle?

Nah, dawg.

We're going to Costa Rica, not Mars.

You know, my whole life
people have underestimated me

'cause I'm short.

Even when I joined my old hood, you know,

I wanted them to call me "Villain."

But they all just called me "Shorty."

But for real though,

all this adversity just made me stronger.

That's why I know
how to fight and f*ck so good.

But never at the same time.

- Trust me, we played it just right.

Just stick to the plan.

We're gonna get that plane.

Idiots.

You think they're going
to bring an airplane

to a bum in a liquor store?

Really?

You are f*cked, my friend.

Your life is over.

And you have only yourself
and that dumb sh*t Julio to blame.

And you two.

I've had to listen to you bicker all day.

I am tired of this f*cking city.

Every day, people
come into my store disrespecting me

by calling me "Muhammad."

My name is Farhad.

Far-had!

But I promise you all this,

if I don't die today,

I'm going to abandon this f*cking store

and move back to Iran.

- Muhammad's right. I'm f*cked.

Why'd I ever listen to you?

- Don't f*ck' listen to him.

He's trying to pit us against each other.

Dawg, we're Clyde and Clyde.

Our ladies betrayed us,
but we're gonna get out of here together.

- Man, shut up.

You broke up with Maggie six months ago.

Wait, what?

Hold on, you broke up with her?
Yeah.

And believe me, it was for the best.

- Shut up, Luis.
- Hold up, hold up.

This whole f*cking time,
I thought that we were in the same boat.

That both of our ladies left us.

But your Bonnie
isn't even a f*ck' Bonnie.

- Don't f*ck' listen to him.

You and me,
we're in the exact same situation.

- Don't you f*cking ever

compare your life to mine.

My a*s is going back to prison.

You still got sh*t to f*ck' live for.

- If you say so.

- Oh, oh, you ain't got
nothing to live for anymore?

Cool, I'll just f*ck' end your sh*t now.
- No, no, no, no!

Oh, ohh.
No, no, please.

- Now you got something to live for, huh?

Alright, what is it?

- I don't know.
- Wrong answer, m*therf*cker.

You got f*ck' five seconds.
- No.

g*n to your head, playboy.

What do you want to do with your life?

- Coffee!

- What about coffee?

- Uh, I love it.

What do you love about it?

- It tastes good.
It-it's a great way to start your morning.

- Okay. Ever think about
opening up your own café?

- Uh, yeah,
I talked about it at, at-- once.

- Then why didn't you do it?
- Dawg, I'm f*ck' broke.

- Guess what, m*therf*cker?

I got a whole bag of money right there.

Convince me to invest in your café.

- Alright. Um, the coffee's gonna be like,
it's gonna be really good.

- Boom!

There are a million
f*cking good cups of coffee

in this city, vato.

A million!

You need a f*ck' hook.

Two seconds.

- Oh. Oh, sh*t, you know what?

I used to work with ex-felons.

I-I can hire them.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

- Noble route.
- Mm-hmm.

- You could market yourself as like
doing some sh*t for the community.

- Yup.

- Hey. I'm an ex-felon, and I need a jale.

- Look at that.

You just hired
your first f*ck' employee.

- Great, he's hired. He's hired.

- Hey, hey.

But he can't be my boss and sh*t.
We need to be like partners.

Make him agree to that sh*t right now.

- You cool with that?

- Okay.

- f*ck, yeah.

Hey. Guess who's not unemployed anymore?

- That's a start.

Wow, look at that.

All you need now is a location.
Mm-hm.

- This m*therf*cker says he wants
to give up his shop. Isn't that right?

- Yeah, sure.
So what do you say?

You gonna sell Julio your lease?

- Whatever.

- Congratu-f*ck-alations, Julio. Boom!

You have a reason to live.

You're gonna open up
a f*ck' coffee shop.

- Yeah, thank you.

So, this

oughta cover the lease.

And this should get you
started on your café.

- Thank you, Sonny.

Hey.

You better f*ck' write me
while I'm in prison.

- Yeah, I'm gonna write you all the time.

That fool told me the same thing.

Never wrote me sh*t.

- Oh, sh*t.
Hey, it's Erika. Move, move, move.

The car is coming to a halt.

The police are surrounding them.

This adventure could be coming to an end.

Oh, I'm not ready.

Bonnie and Clyde
have now exited the vehicle.

They're fleeing on foot.

Look at these fools.

But, wait, they've stopped.

It looks like Clyde is...
Oh.

...getting down on one knee and--

He's proposing!

Wow.

You can see that diamond
from the helicopter.

Please say yes, Bonnie.
I need this.

Oh! She said yes.

She said yes!

I think I might cry.

In fact, I am crying.

I haven't been able to cry
since my divorce.

But now the floodgates are open.

Wow, I've never seen
such a passionate kiss.

That's a lot of tongue.

- I see it now.

I see how this all ends.

You're not opening that coffee shop.

- What?

- Just like I'm not going to Costa Rica.

- This isn't a Hollywood movie

where everyone's dreams
and ambitions come true.

This is real life.

And you know what?

I've had enough.

We're going back to plan A.

We're gonna go out there
and rush those f*ck' pigs.

- Look, dude, there's like
a hundred cops out there!

- That's right.

We're gonna get gunned down
and go out in a blaze of glory.

What?

- Clyde y Clyde.

Never again will a woman
ever be able to hurt

either one of us.

- Come on, don't do it, dawg.

Just turn yourself in, alright?
Prison's dope.

They have all the Harry Potters.

Luis, come here, come here.

You got this.

Let's go.

Come on.

Ooh, almost there.

- Ah, sh*t.

Okay.

- Oh, sh*t.

Safety. Yeah.

- Bite him!

Get the--

- Ah, you f*ck' bit me!

- Payback, b*tch!

Never underestimate short fools.

See, I told you I could take him.

- Chill out.

Hey.

You okay?

- Are you f*cking kidding me?

I was shot by a cop in America.

I am going to sue you
for millions of dollars.

Today is the best day of my life.

- I'm gonna f*ck' k*ll you, Julio.

I'm gonna f*ck' k*ll you.

- Estás bien?
- Estoy bien, estoy bien.

- You cost us a lot of overtime today.

Better watch your back, Serpico.

- Well, dawg, we f*ck' did it.

- Did what?

You almost got us k*lled,
you f*ck' idiot.

- What the f*ck are you talking about?

I had that sh*t under control
the whole time.

- No, you f*ck' didn't.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Did you get us 100K to start a business?

That's what I thought.

Look at all this money.

Oh, what's this?

- Ooh, sh*t.

- The f*ck?

What the f*ck?

Well, looks like
we at least still have 50K.

The wipers are on the outside, stupid.

I know, stupid.

Then why'd you turn them on, stupid?

Instinct, stupid.
We almost f*cking died,

and you wanna give me sh*t
about windshield wipers?