01x07 - The Birthday Party

[bunniefuu]

(TALI SIGHING) Jayden!

(TALI) JAYDEN IS BEING SO NAUGHTY.

NO, HE'S ACTING OUT BECAUSE
WE FORCED HIM TO MOVE TO JOBURG.

HE DIDN'T HAVE A SAY. I GET IT.

BUT, HONESTLY, HE IS TERRORISING US.

HE'S HIDING PLASTIC INSECTS
ALL OVER THE HOUSE.

(LIGHT-HEARTED CLASSICAL MUSIC)

(CLEANER) Ooh! Tikawam!

(TALI) GIVE ME A RAT, GIVE ME
A MOUSE, GIVE ME A MARSUPIAL,

BUT DO NOT GIVE ME A PARKTOWN PRAWN.

IF SOMEONE SAYS, "OH I SAW
c*ck IN THE KITCHEN"

OR "I SAW A PARKTOWN PRAWN
IN THE GARDEN,"

I HAVE TO TAKE A BETA BLOCKER.

SLOW MY HEART RATE.

(LES) Bloody hell.

(MICHELLE GASPING/SCREAMING) Oh my
G**! Tali! What the f*ck is that?!

(TALI) I'M LIVING ON EDGE.

PLUS THERE'S THE THREAT OF ACTUAL
PARKTOWN PRAWNS IN THIS PLACE.

ONE OF THE REASONS WHY I ACTUALLY
MOVED TO CAPE TOWN

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Darren! This is your child.

AND EVERYBODY KNOWS,
MY TWO BIGGEST FEARS IN LIFE,

AGING AND PARKTOWN PRAWNS.

(JAYDEN LAUGHING)

(TALI) ACTUALLY FEELING ON EDGE
JUST STANDING OUTDOORS RIGHT NOW.

(SHRIEKING) Oh my G**! Oh my G**!
Oh my G**! Mom!

(TALI) HOWZIT, GUYS? IT'S ME, TALI.
HOW ARE YOU?

I'M A JOBURG GIRL
LIVING IN CAPE TOWN,

BUT NOW I'M MOVING BACK HOME
WITH THE FAM.

- Everybody say "Jozi"!
- (ALL) Jozi!

(TALI) THIS IS MY BABY,
THIS IS MY CHILDHOOD HOME,

AND THESE ARE MY GIRLS.

NOW THAT I'M BACK
IN THE CITY OF GOLD,

I'M INVITING YOU TO
FOLLOW ME ON MY JOURNEY.

THIS IS MY LIFE,
AND THIS IS MY JOBURG DIARY.

Thank you so much for coming, guys.
You are literally saving lives.

Okay, now I need you to check every
child that comes up the stairs,

and the parents too, alright?
No hair shall go unturned.

No, not me. I don't have lice.

As if. Okay.

(TALI) TODAY IS JAYDEN'S
FOURTH BIRTHDAY PARTY.

WHO CAN GUESS THE THEME?

(COMICAL MUSIC)

THAT'S RIGHT, SUPERHEROES.

BECAUSE JAYDEN IS OBSESSED WITH
SUPERHEROES AND SO IS DARREN. SHAME.

BECAUSE OF THE PANDEMIC

JAYDEN HASN'T HAD A PROPER
BIRTHDAY PARTY IN OVER TWO YEARS.

THAT'S LIKE HALF HIS LIFE.

SO TODAY WE HAVE PULLED OUT ALL
THE STOPS, WITHIN BUDGET OF COURSE.

THERE HAS BEEN A LICE SCARE AT
JAYDEN'S SCHOOL

SO I'VE HIRED THESE GUYS

TO JUST TRY AND HELP US MAKE SURE
EVERYTHING RUNS SMOOTHLY.

CHECK THE CHILDREN'S HEADS,
THAT KIND OF THING.

SOME PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY CANCELLED,

WHICH IS ANNOYING,
BECAUSE I AM CATERING PER HEAD.

COME HELL OR HIGH WATER, JAYDEN IS
GONNA BLOW OUT HIS CANDLES

WITH HIS LOVED ONES AROUND HIM TODAY.

I WILL MAKE SURE OF IT.

(TALI SIGHING) Nthabiseng,
you look stunning.

- (NTHABISENG CHUCKLING) Hi.
- (TALI) Welcome.

- (NTHABISENG CHUCKLING)
- Welcome.

- (FRIEND) Wow, Tal, look at you.
- (TALI) Look at you.

- (FRIEND) Congratulations.
- Thank you.

Enjoy it, guys.
Make yourselves at home.

Wow, Janice, you made it.

(JANICE) Oh.
I wouldn't miss it for the world.

- And you made this beautiful cake.
- Of course, ja.

- What are you dressed as?
- A witch.

- Why?
- Supernatural.

It's superhero, Janice.
The theme is superhero.

- (JANICE SIGHING)
- (SIGHING) G**. Ugh.

(MONIQUE) Tals, is that...?
Is that Jayden's cake?

No, this is a separate cake.
There is a professional cake as well.

Catwoman I see. (CHUCKLING)
How original.

And a little runaway street cat.

(ASHLEY) I'm actually a nekomusume,
it's an anime catgirl.

(TALI) Aw. Okay, well, nekasumi,

I didn't make you
a party pack, sorry.

Ash, be a kitten and get us
some sparkling water please.

- Sure.
- Should know your way around, Ashley.

Shew, Tals, you are so brave
to go through with this party

during a lice outbreak.

Crossing paws it won't be
a super spreader event.

I've taken every precaution
necessary, Monique, okay?

Plus, I think you'll agree,
we can't let something like fear

rob our children from
the childhoods they deserve.

- (MONIQUE CHUCKLING)
- (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Well it's good to see Jayden
and Jackson getting along so well.

Ja, Jackson talks about Jayden
all the time.

So does Jayden.

Tals, why don't we just lay down
our swords, for our children,

and just have a good day.

You know, I didn't know someone
so thin could be the bigger person.

Just pilates. Girls!

(COMICAL MUSIC)

(DARREN) Pick any card you like,
it doesn't matter.

- (BOY) Are you a magician?
- Yes, I am a magician.

So where's your outfit then?

Real magicians don't need outfits,
our magic comes from within.

(DARREN) KIDS STILL THINK
MAGICIANS WEAR SUITS,

AND PULL RABBITS FROM HATS.

THEY CLEARLY HAVEN'T HEARD
OF THE BEST MAGICIAN OF ALL TIME,

DAVID BLANE.

LIKE ME, BLANE IS ON A JOURNEY
OF SELF DISCOVERY.

OUR MAGIC GOES BEYOND
CHILDISH TRICKS.

IT'S A MAGIC OF MIND.. AND BODY.

Now.. I want you to draw a smiley
face with this marker on this card.

Thank you. Now watch as I put your
card in the middle of the deck.

How did your card
get to the top of the deck?

That's not my card.

(CHUCKLING) Just wait one second.

- There you go.
- That's still not my card.

All part of the ol' magic trick.
There you go.

- That's still not my card.
- (CHUCKLING)

Just hope you didn't download that
cheap karaoke instrumentation, Taryn.

(TARYN) No ways, Mich,
I got premium. It's from YouTube.

Excuse me, this is not
on the itinerary.

You better not be doing
what I think you're doing.

I have planned a surprise
for my grandson, Tals,

and it has absolutely
nothing to do with you.

Oh my G**, you are singing,
aren't you?

- Yes.
- No.

Absolutely not.

You embarrassed me my whole life
by singing at my birthday parties.

She jumped out of a cake dressed
as Marilyn Monroe.

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ To you ♪

- Wow, that's sounds awesome.
- (TALI) It was pornographic, Taryn.

And quite frankly
it scarred me for life.

They should be so lucky
to hear me sing.

My voice was my money, Tals.

Well luckily now your money
is your money, Mom.

You are not singing, okay?
Pack it up, clear the area.

Taryn, why are you
scratching your head?

You better not have contracted the
insects that shall not be named.

Scabies? Ja, no, that was ages ago.

My hair's like steel wool,
it's always itchy.

Okay, whatever. Pack it up, guys.
You're not singing.

(TENSE MUSIC)

- I'm gonna turn up your base.
- Thanks, Tar.

(RAEL) How's it Uncle Les.
Happy birthday to Jay-rock.

May there be many more.

Rael, is that you? And why are you
dressed like a bloody burn victim?

I'm the Invisible Man.

Oh the Invisible Man with his
invisible property portfolio.

(RAEL) I NEED TO KEEP
A LOW PROFILE NOW,

ESPECIALLY AFTER WHAT HAPPENED
LAST WEEK WITH ANDERSON.

THE BAD NEWS IS THAT THE
TAKEAWAY PROPERTY BUSINESS

IS DEAD IN THE WATER.

GAVE THE OKE 51 PERCENT AND HE
DECIDED TO SHELVE THE WHOLE THING.

BUT WE DO SELL VERY GOOD COFFEE.
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

Uncle Les, I don't think Joburg
was such a good idea.

Initially I thought that
if we got enough momentum

we could pivot Darren
back to his hustle,

but now I see this is Darren's place.

Ja, you know, I thought
he was a street dog like me,

but turns out he's just
an inside dog, it's quite sad really.

(NTHABISENG) Apparently Anderson
kicked him in the teeth.

He went down like a sack of potatoes.
(LAUGHING)

Well apparently he didn't know
she was married.

All good?

(LIGHT-HEARTED MUSIC)

(MOUTHING) sh*t.

Hi, guys. Hello.

Why are you scratching your head,
my angel?

(JAYDEN) 'Cause there's ants
on my hair.

Ants? (CHUCKLING) Let me just
have a little lookie.

Oh my G**. Oh my G**.

Okay, ja. Think, you know what,
let's go upstairs. Nobody panic.

- Nobody panic.
- Tals, is everything okay?

Absolutely.
Everything is absolutely fine.

Oh look, everyone, confetti!
Whoo-whoo!

(LIGHT-HEARTED CLASSICAL MUSIC)

Come stand here, boy. Oh my G**.

- (MIKAELA) What's going on, Tals?
- Kaela, look at his head.

- Oh my G**.
- It's lice, isn't it?

Yes. You're gonna have to
send everybody home.

Mikaela, are you absolutely insane?

Jayden is blowing out his candles
today, come hell or high water.

- My head is now itching.
- You psychosomatic!

Oh my G**. Mine too.

- Oh this is a disaster.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(MONIQUE) Is everything
alright in there?

It's Monique. She's onto us,
that beaky face. sh*t.

We fine.

- We're just busy...
- Doing something important.

For the party.

Okay, wait. I know, okay.
Okay, I've got an idea.

If you're expecting me to pull a
rabbit out of a hat, think again.

You're about to witness the
harnessing of mind to master body.

I've been developing muscles I never
even knew existed, for this one.

I present to you, Gold and Prop.

(GULPING)

Are you not entertained? (CHUCKLING)

(WHISPERING) Darren.

Those are not real goldfish,
are they?

They absolutely are, my friend.

- But you just swallowed them.
- And I'm about to bring them back.

Here go.

Hup, hup

hup, hup. (RETCHING)

- Rael, I feel bilious.
- Oh. Me too.

- I'm gonna get you some Rehydrate.
- (DARREN) Mm.

(COMICAL MUSIC)

(MONIQUE) Tal?

Is everything okay?

- Hello.
- (MONIQUE) Mm-hm.

Everything's absolutely fine,
thank you, Monique.

No problem here.

We just decided to update our looks
for the second part of the party.

We are a family of superhero aliens.

And we are gonna have
the best day ever.

(LIGHT-HEARTED CLASSICAL MUSIC)

Tals, I do not think that this gel
is working. My head is on fire.

Mine too, Mikaels,
I am absolutely dying.

Just get your fingers in
and just give it a little scratch.

Just go in there.
(WINCING/SIGHING)

(MONIQUE) Tals?

If you or Jayden have lice
and you're not saying anything,

that would be incredibly
irresponsible.

And I'm sure it would be grounds

for Mrs Bembe to remove Jayden
from the school immediately.

Whoa, Monique, okay? I thought
we were laying down our swords today.

Do you really think I would
let the party continue

if I knew Jayden had lice?
Absolutely not. That would be crazy.

Do you really think I am crazy?

Of course not, Tals. I just think
it's a little bit weird

how you both came out of the bathroom
with new hairstyles.

And I also know that
if you did have lice,

your scalps would feel like
they were on fire right now.

And it would be impossible
not to scratch.

Hey, scratchy-catchy?

- Scratchy...
- Lucky we don't have lice then.

Feels nice to scratch.
Little scratch.

- Nothing?
- I'm not itchy.

- Me neither.
- Not at all.

- Nothing?
- (BOTH) Nothing.

Good talk.

(WHISPERING) f*ck.
I just can't take it.

I can't do it.

- (TARYN) Rael, is that you?
- How did you know, Taryn?

I recognised your
shifty body language.

- Also.. (SNIFFING) your musk.
- Thank you.

But actually I'd prefer to not be
recognised today.

I just wanna keep a low profile
and be here for my godson Jay.

Ja, it's so embarrassing what
happened with Anderson, hey?

Everyone's talking about it.
Like, literally everyone.

- Even the children.
- Okay, Taryn. Thank you.

Your bandages are coming loose.

Please, G**, don't let her
play music today.

(MONIQUE) I know that
little sh*t Jayden has lice,

and he's spreading it
to everyone at the party.

If only I could prove it.

- Would you like me to get some intel?
- Yes.

But be discreet. And for G**sakes
don't get too close.

(COMICAL MUSIC)

(TALI) Okay.

Jesus, Tali, my head is on fire,
how am I gonna perform like this?

You are not performing.

I don't know how many more times
I need to say it

or how much clearer
I can be about that.

I have every right
to show my grandson

how much I love him through song.

The only song we are singing is
"Happy Birthday".

Stop scratching. Stop it!

Mikaela.. Mikaela, stop scratching.

Okay, please take Mom to the bathroom
and give her the treatment.

What did she say, Kaels?

She said I must give you
the treatment.

- What did she say, Tals?
- She's gonna give.. Oh my G**.

Jut take.. Just take her. Just go.
I can't take this. (GROANING)

(COMICAL MUSIC)

Darren, drink some Rehydrate. Here.

Thanks, Rael, but I need an empty
stomach for my next performance.

You have two live goldfish
in your stomach,

they need something to swim in.

- (DARREN PANTING)
- What the hell are you doing?

Water endurance.

(GUEST) It was absolutely ridiculous.

Apparently he beat him black and blue
and knocked out all his teeth. Ja.

It was one tiny punch, you idiots!

(GRUNTING) That's such a clean door.

(MICHELLE) I just wanna scratch into
it with my nails, Kaels.

No, no, no, you must resist.
You must resist, Mich.

(MICHELLE) How the f*ck
did we get lice at this party?

- (MIKAELA) Jayden.
- (MICHELLE) What do you mean, Jayden?

(MIKAELA) Okay, now, Mich,
no scratching.

If Monique finds out that there's
lice at this party, it's over.

- Going somewhere, Ashley?
- I was just going to the bathroom.

Oh really? Because it looks like
you were lingering.

Maybe even spying.

- How much of that did she hear?
- All of it, Mikaela. All of it.

- Get her in here.
- No, no, please.

I won't say anything.

(TALI) You brought this upon
yourself, Ashley, I am sorry.

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- (CHILDREN SHRIEKING/LAUGHING)

- Tals. Alright?
- Okay, that actually looks good.

Ah-ha! I see you also have
new party hairstyles.

Yes! We're a family of superhero..
Punks.

I thought you were
supposed to be aliens.

We are a family of superhero aliens.
Remember, Mich?

What did you say, sweetheart?

She said we are a family
of superhero aliens.

Oh, you know what,
I think it's time for cake.

Ashley! (GROANING) Muscle memory.

Where is Ashley? Ashley?

I'm about to hold my breath
longer than any man.

And illusion so great it transcends
the very idea of magic.

On your marks.. set...

Start the clock.

Okay, come, everybody, it's candles
time. Let's get this done and dusted.

Where's Jay? Oh come here, my boy.

I thought we were
only doing this in an hour?

Well we've moved everything up, okay?

Okay, guys, let's do this!

(MICHELLE OVER SPEAKERS) Before we
do that,

I would like to dedicate this song
to my special boy, JJ.

Take it away, Taryn!

- DJ Taryn.
- (AIR HORNS SOUNDING OVER SPEAKERS)

- (UPBEAT MUSIC)
- ♪ It had to be you ♪

♪ Wonderful you ♪

(MONIQUE WHISPERING) Ashley?

Ashley, where are you?

(ASHELY MUFFLED) I'm in here.

My G**, what have they done to you?

(GASPING) My goodness.

There's lice at this party.
Jayden has lice!

Happy birthday, my darling angel.
Your bobba loves you so much.

- DJ Taryn.
- (AIR HORNS SOUNDING OVER SPEAKERS)

Thank you, Mom.
Thank you very much for that.

Finally, guys, the moment we've all
been waiting for, candles time.

(MONIQUE) Everyone run!
Jayden has lice!

- (GUESTS GASPING)
- Darren!

(GUESTS GASPING/MURMURING)

- Darren!
- Darren!

(TALI) Oh my G**! Oh my G**!
(PANTING)

(RAEL) Daz, I've got you, boy.

- I've got you, big boy.
- (TALI) Get him out!

(RAEL) I've got you. Okay,
I've got you, one, two, three!

- (TALI) Okay, okay, alright.
- (RAEL) Okay. Dude, I love you, okay?

- (TALI) Bring him around.
- (RAEL) Take his legs.

- (TALI) Okay.
- (RAEL) Okay, I've got you Daz.

- (TALI) Babe! (WHIMPERING) Babe!
- (RAEL) Don't worry, Daz.

Okay. Tals, he needs CPR,
get in here.

Ooh, ooh, I remember the song.
♪ Ba-da-da ♪

(RAEL) No, no, we need
something more high energy...

- Give him mouth-to-mouth! Ah!
- Here we go, Daz, ready?

- Ah!
- (DARREN COUGHING)

(TALI SHRIEKING) Babes.

Daz, are you okay?

I feel like I've just woken up
from a two-year coma.

What is this hair on my face?

Boy, we've been asking ourselves
the same question.

Someone get him a herbal tea
or something.

- Please.
- (DARREN) No.

Black Americano.

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC)

You heard the man.

Is anyone else itchy?

(MICHELLE) I didn't realise
that was Raely under there.

Oh I knew.
Didn't you recognise his musk?

(FAMILY) ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- Hip-hip!
- (FAMILY) Hooray!

- Nog 'n piep!
- Hooray!

- (AIR HORNS SOUNDING OVER SPEAKERS)
- DJ Taryn. What?

- (FEEDBACK OVER SPEAKERS)
- What?

(MICHELLE) Oh, f*ck. Jesus.

(SIGHING) ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Tali ♪

♪ Happy birthday to ♪

♪ You ♪

Happy birthday, my darling.

- Mom, stop.
- Come in, everybody. Come smile.

You're gonna love this
for years to come.

- Just a smile, darling. Les...
- (TALI) This is so embarrassing.

- No bottom. Up, up.
- Stop.

Not from below. Okay.

Happy birthday, Tali.
I love you, my girl.

Ooh. Happy, happy.

- (GIGGLING)
- (TALI) Stop.