02x06 - Ballad of a Thin Man

[bunniefuu]

- Lots of tannins,
and you'll notice

the more floral notes on
the back of your palate.

- Mm, back of the palate, yeah.

But I'm looking for something

that's gonna get me f*cked up.

You know what I'm sayin'?

- Uh, perhaps I should point you

to our cognac section.

- Perhaps. Yeah,
that sounds good.

Yeah, thank you.

- How can it be a nice
white and it says bigots?

- This is a Beaujolais.

- I don't think you
know sh*t about wine.

- This is where the expensive...
- At the beer and wine store,

they got a cooler for
they f*ck' wine.

- Well, then go to the
beer and wine store

if you wanna go to the
beer and wine store.

- That's where I'm
going, you m*therf*cker.

- I'm gonna ask
you to leave now.

- I'll tell you
what, you better get

your f*ck' hands off me.

I'll cut your f*ck'
head off, b*tch.

You don't know me.
- Uncle Bruce?

- Nephew!

What's up, man?

What you doin' up in here?
- What you doin' up here?

- You know, I'm trying
to get like you.

- Why do you have
a Key Foods basket?

- Hey, man, you got a
lot of questions, Nephew.

Listen, man, I'm just
glad I ran into you.

You're a hard man to
catch up with, bud.

- Yeah, you know, I've
been traveling a whole lot.

- What's your number?
- I just lost my phone.

- You lyin'.
- I was on a roller coaster,

flew out the window,
exploded mid-air.

- You gotta be careful
like that, man.

- That's right, that's right.
- But listen,

I got a business opportunity,

and I only want you in
on the ground floor.

- I don't know if
that's a good idea.

I mean, I'd probably
hold you back.

- I wrote a film.
- A film?

- Yes, and it's dynamite!

- I would love to
read your script,

but, you know,
I'm legally blind.

- It's called "Werecoon."

- "Werecoon"?
- Yes, "Werecoon."

[growls] Like a werewolf,
but he's a co*n.

- You know what?

I feel like you just
gave me my vision back.

- Boom! Look what I
got right here, baby.

- Whoa!
- Yeah.

- Oh, my God. Yeah,
no, you know what,

maybe I do got a
little bit of time...

- Yeah.
- With my favorite uncle.

- Let's crack open
one of these bottles.

Hey, Frenchie, bring
us some plastic cups.

We gon' be here for a minute.

[soulful music]

- ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah,
let me hear you say ♪

♪ Your folks, my folks ♪

♪ My folks, your folks ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
- ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

- ♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Ha! ♪

- Oh, it's not even close.
n*gga by a White person

doesn't bother me at all.

That's... that's just lazy
writing at this point.

[laughter]

"n*gga." Okay, ohh.

A "co*n" by a Black person...
Ooh, that hurts your soul.

You start to defend yourself.

No, I'm not! Yeah.

White people don't know the
power of co*n for Black people.

It's a... that's...
It's not something

you could get away with, but...

There's nothing worse than
a n*gga calling you co*n.

- Mark, I'm scared.

- Don't worry,
baby. It don't bite.

- Knock it off. I know
you've heard the rumors.

It's dangerous out here.

- Minnie, you're with me.

You don't have anything
to be afraid of.

[howling in distance]

- Did you hear that?

- It's just the wind, baby.

You're being paranoid. Relax.

[howling]

- I heard it again.

There's something out there.

- There's nothing out
there. Trust me, I...

- [howling]

- The f*ck? Yo, it's
just a regular n*gga.

- [howls]

- Man, what you...

[yelps]

- My lady.

- ♪ O say, can you see ♪

- Mark?
- ♪ By the dawn's early light ♪

- That's so beautiful.
- And that's a cut

on rehearsal.

Thank you so much, my stars.

Take five, okay?
- Okay.

- Unbelievable.

Now, that's just
the opening scene.

- Oh.
- Yeah, and if you want more,

you're gonna have to
pay for that steak.

[laughs]

- Um, yeah. Eew.

I just feel like I don't...

- Get it?
- Yeah, that's this... yeah,

I don't feel like I get it.
- Look, he's a Werecoon.

- Yeah, what's not to get?

- Umm...

- Look, it's just funny.

- It's not just funny,

it's so much more than that.

I mean, it's
important, it's timely,

- Well, I'm just not
sure it's in line

with the Disney brand.

- Well, look man. What would
y'all like for us to change?

- I... I'm sorry, Unc.
Uh, I have a question.

Do you Disney n*gg*s hate money?

- Oh!
- Oh, buddy...

- Come on, we love money.

- Good, 'cause I
love money, too.

And Jordan Peele made about

$200, $300 million on "Get Out,"

and our sh*t is more
John Blaze than that.

I mean, we got some
John Blaze sh*t here.

- Hey, look, what my
nephew is trying to say...

- No, what your nephew is saying

is that maybe you two aren't
right for "Werecoon" at all.

Maybe we should take
our movie elsewhere.

- Well, if that's how you feel.

- That's how I feel.
- Okay, well, all right.

- Yeah.
- Um, best of luck

to you fellas.
- Yeah, I'll see you

at the Oscars, buddy.

[laughs] Can you
believe this sh*t?

- No, I don't believe this sh*t.

What you doin', man?

- It's called
standing your ground.

Okay, you have to do that
with these Hollywood types.

I can't let them suck the
soul out of our movie.

- Man, I don't care. I just
wanna get the movie made

so we can get this money.

- It'll get made, all right?

We just need to take "Werecoon"

somewhere where
it'll be appreciated

in its rawest essence.

- Okay. Now, I'm
gonna trust you.

I'm just trying to
get like you, Nephew.

- And you will.
- Lead the way, baby.

I got you. Okay,
my honey bees,

we're coming back.

♪ ♪

[laughter] What job
is unconcealable?

I'm gonna say White
lady in a porno.

[laughter]

Them b*tches say everything,

and it's never
taken me out of it.

It's never once...

Never once have I put
my pants back on like,

I can't believe this
b*tch said that!

[upbeat stadium
music] [horn blares]

PA ANNOUNCER: And the
Monarchs take the lead

as we enter half time.

Now, let's see you
show your moves

for the Dance Cam!

- This is the section that
always gets on the jumbotron.

- Why do you wanna get
on the jumbotron so bad?

- Because I wanna blow
up. We're gonna go viral.

- Dad, no.

- Every viral dance
starts just like this

on a jumbotron.

The "Renegade,"
the "Macarena."

- Dad, nobody's
doing those anymore.

- They're gon' be
doin' the "Num Num."

- Please don't do that
dance. No "Num Num."

- You like that
dance. No "Num Num."

- Everybody likes the...
Hey, hey, it's us!

It's us! This is my time!

[dance music]

Putting it together. Ahh!

And...

♪ ♪

Ahh, ahh, ahh!
- No, Dad. You're not...

- Uhh, uhh, mmm.

[crowd clamoring]
Ohh, ohh, ohh.

Everybody! Uh, uh, uh.
- Dad, please sit down.

Dad. [light booing]

- Security, let's get
this pervert out of here.

- Y'all don't feel it, though.
- Oh, my God,

security's coming.
- Come on, everybody!

Uh, ah, oh, slow it down.

- Let's go.
- Okay. Autographs later.

PA ANNOUNCER: Okay,
everybody keep it clean.

- Dad, Dad, everybody's
hittin' me up.

They all saw you.

- Yeah!

Your old man's goin' viral.

I told you.

This is the beginning
of my new life.

[upbeat pop music]

Yep.

♪ ♪

Fired? Uh...

After 20 years.

Over a dance.

- Your wife called.

[somber jazzy music]

- Divorce.

Because of a dance?

Fired, wife gone, house
gone, kid hates me.

What's next?
- You're also gonna have to

register as a sex offender
in the next 30 days

or you're going to jail.

- Hell no. I'm not registering

as a sex offender
because of a dance.

Uh-uh. They gon'
have to arrest me.

♪ ♪

[door slams]

- Would you rather
jerk off without porn

or watch porn
without jerking off?

[laughter]

- Both things I've done.

I'm gonna say jerk
off without porn.

- You can do that?
- Oh, yeah, man.

What, are you kiddin' me?
You know how much porn

I've watched?

I can start quotin' that sh*t.

I quote porn in the shower
like it's "Goodfellas."

- [moaning]

- [grunts] Whoo!
- Oh, baby.

That was amazing.

- Yeah, I know. She crazy.

What are you doin'?

There's 13 minutes
left in the movie.

- It's a porno. You
know how it ends.

[moaning on TV]

Come on, let's go again.

- Okay. What you wanna
watch? "Bang Bus"?

- Uh... let's use our own
imaginations this time.

- Our own imagination?

- Imagination.
- A'ight.

- [moaning]

[Camila Paiva's "Grind For Two"]

- ♪ Gimme all that amnesia ♪

♪ Go on up, boy,
you a keeper ♪

♪ And I'ma bring
the juice, babe ♪

♪ Love potion
let loose, babe ♪

♪ We can make our move, babe ♪

♪ Tonight it's
my duty to you ♪

♪ I'ma ride this
sh*t a time or two ♪

♪ Make the climb
with you, yeah ♪

[moaning]

[light music]

[women moaning]

♪ ♪

[laughs] That
ain't her stepdad.

Now that's a cream pie!

Whoo!

♪ ♪

[moaning continues]

[moaning intensifies]

[grunting]
- [moans]

- Oh, that was a
great idea, baby.

- I told you.

- Would you rather find
out Jesus was Black

but was a con man and
didn't have any superpowers?

[laughter]

Or...
- Yo, Wil, you...

This is better than Wordle.

Like, you need to...

[laughs] You need to
do your own Wordle

with these questions.

Would you rather Jesus
be Black and a con man

and had no powers.

That's funny as sh*t.
- Or he was Black,

but he was a co*n.

- Jesus was... How
was Jesus a co*n?

- He was only
healing White people.

- [laughs]

- Cheers. Congrats on
the promotion, Damien.

Truly, I can't think
of a better guy

it could've gone to.
- Thanks, Greg.

I'm just glad we
could both be there

to see Tariq not get the job.

[both laugh]

- [howling]

- Oh, sh*t! It's Werecoon.

W-we gotta get the
f*ck outta here.

- Man, I ain't
scared of that n*gga.

What's up, p*ssy?

[intense music]

[crowd clamoring]

♪ ♪

[all exclaim]

Man, the problem
with Black women

is they be talkin' when
they should be listenin'.

- Hm. He's got some
pretty good points.

- Oh.

- [howls]
- [howls]

[both howl]

- And that is just the sizzle.

But if you want the steak...

- What the f*ck was that?
- Yeah, I...

I don't get it.
- What's not to get?

He comes out in a full moon,
and he slaps sense into n*gg*s.

I mean...
- That's what he was doin'?

- So he turns n*gg*s into c*ons.

- Exactly.
- So why was he howling

like a wolf?
- Because he's a were-co*n.

- Oh.

- Look, it's just funny.

- Man, but it's not
just funny, Unc.

It's also important.

And... and powerful.

- Well, I loved it.

- Thank you! See?

- Of course, I'm
just the janitor.

- You're the janitor? Why
you dressed in a suit?

- 'Cause we all get
to wear suits here

at Tyler Perry Studios.

You dress for the job you want.

- It truly is the promised land.

- I'm sorry, but that is the
worst sh*t I've ever seen,

and I work for Tyler Perry.

- Listen, we got
some other sh*t.

I wrote a science fiction film

where, like, the raccoons
turn into monkeys,

and they attack all the
light-skinned Black people.

- Oh, no, no.
Hang on, hang on.

If y'all are dumb enough
to pass on "Werecoon"

on this piece of history.

Maybe we're in the
wrong place, I mean...

- I think you should leave.

- Yeah, maybe we should.

Come on, Unc.

- Mm-mm.
- I'm sorry.

- Well, take this
trash with you.

- Suck our d*ck.

- You ever been to therapy, Wil?

- Therapy?

- A lot of Black... that's not

a very Black man thing.

We're, like, just now
getting into therapy.

It's not...
- Yeah, I don't...

[laughter]

[typing]

[knock at door]
- No... no.

Do not come in right
now. I'm working.

[phone rings]

[grumbles]

Kevin Hammerberger Jr.
- Kevin, it's Oscar.

- Oscar, my boy! How is
my favorite floor manager?

- So, actually...
- Listen to this,

listen to this:
Nadia calls me.

- She called you?
- Just now, just now.

She calls me and she
asks for... get this...

A mental health day.
- Oh, really?

- Yeah, right.

Her feelings are hurt,
and she can't work.

Can you... do get it? Right.

If she wasn't my
daughter, boy, I would...

- I need a mental
health day, too.

- What?
- Yeah, absolutely.

- Oscar, I just told you
Nadia's doing this nonsense,

and you're gonna tell me
you're doing the same thing?

You need a mental
health day, too?

- Sorry, but yes.
- Well, you know

what I think, Oscar?

I think you're lazy,

and I think you're entitled.

My father, he came
to work every day.

Two ten hour shifts every day

from the time he was
12 until he died at 28.

- Oh, really?
- That's right.

- Sounds unhealthy.
- I'll tell you what, Oscar.

Either you come in today,

our busiest day of the year,

or you don't come in at all.

- I'm not coming.
- Okay, well,

you've made your choice, Oscar.

Have a good life.
- Bye.

- Bye.

[groans] Cherise,
what is this?

"Tony is taking a
mental health day."

What the f*ck is a
mental health day?

It's not even a real thing.

You wouldn't say, "Oh, I
need a physical health day."

You would say, "Oh, I
broke my leg, and I'm going

to the doctor to get some
crutches and a cast,"

then you bring your a*s
back to work. [laughs]

- I don't get it either.

It's hard our here
for everybody.

We all got problems, you know.

- You know what
I like about you?

You're a hard worker.

You're dedicated.
You're not like

the rest of these
g*dd*mn millennials.

- You're right, um...

But hey, Mr. Hammerberger...

- Mm, yes, Cherise?

- [chuckles] You know,
I've been thinking.

- Mm, what were you thinking?

- After work...
- Mm-hmm.

- You know, me and you, uh...

- Mm.

- As you can see,

he's completely lost
touch with reality.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

- Dr. Edwards, is my
dad ever gonna be okay?

- Well, it's too soon to tell.

His brain was
essentially fried to sh*t

from never relaxing.

But he's taken well
to the medication,

so that's good.

- Thank you so much
for all of your help.

- That's what we're here for.

For now, his delusions
are based in reality,

so we don't think
this isn't anything

that can't be reversed.
- Damn, girl,

you can't be f*ck' me at work.

- Well, he does often think
he's having sex with coworkers.

- [blubbering]

- You should head out now

before it gets any more graphic.

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

Man, ain't no such thing
as a mental health day,

you better bring
your a*s to work.

Damn, Cherise.
You got it, baby.

♪ ♪

- This latest dance
craze is so popular,

you might even find
your doctor doing it.

♪ ♪

- My fellow Americans,

the w*r is over.

[applause]

- I don't know if
I'm religious or not.

I'm definitely not
religious in practice.

I do think there's a God, and...

I don't wanna say he's...

not great.

But I will say, if I was God,

I would do things differently.

[laughter]

I think there's
somebody up there

but I don't think
his plan was perfect.

In fact, I think he
might've quit on us.

And we're just here waiting
for him to come back.

Yes, my parents are divorced.

[laughter]

At the very least,
he's a bad father.

If you did what God
did to your kids,

you couldn't be like,
"I'm mysterious."

No, n*gga.

- He takes the snap,
it's a reverse.

He's at the ten,
the five, touchdown!

[cheers and applause]

[crowd chanting]
"Num Num!" "Num Num!"

[dark tone]

♪ ♪

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

This is my dance.
This is my dance!

Hey, y'all, this is my dance.

That's all me.

- Beat it, r*pist.

That's a TikTok dance.

All the kids is doin' it.

Yah!
- I didn't r*pe.

I "Num Num'd."
- Ah, ah, ah.

- Hey, I was at the game.

I saw you and your son.

I know that's your dance.

Good sh*t.
- Yeah?

- Mr. "Num Num."

- Yeah.

Mr. "Num Num."

- Do you know what
the f*ck's going on?

- I don't think anybody knows
what the f*ck is going on.

- Okay.
- We'll figure it out.

- Okay.
- No, no, hold on.

I got it, I got
it. I think I fixed

the problem with
the script, guys.

In this version,
Werecoon joins forces

with the police to get all
the Black people vaccinated.

- Jay, I don't know
about this, man.

- Why am I not surprised?

You know what, I've
been trying to make you

the next Terry Crew,

and you keep resisting!

- Okay. You don't
have to get angry.

- I'm not...

I'm not angry. I'm
just passionate.

That's all.
- Okay, we're just saying

that we've spent a
lot of time filming

on your dime already.

- And your point?
- I don't even know

if I'm the good
guy or the bad guy.

- Whoa, hey, hey. Now, listen.

What would you like to change?

- When I first read the script,

I just thought it was hilarious.

But now it feels too
self-righteous and important.

You know, maybe, if we
put back in all the jokes,

it could start feeling
like a comedy again.

- Hmm, let me think about that.

You're f*ck' fired.

- What?
- Whoa, whoa, Nephew, hey.

- I want him outta here.

He's f*ck' up my movie.

- Your movie? You
thievin' b*stard.

I told Madea to suck our d*ck.

It's our film.

- I know, I know.
You're right.

It's our movie,
and I'm just trying

to protect the integrity
of the script, okay?

I mean, don't you want this
movie to mean something?

- I don't give a f*ck
about this movie.

I just want the money.

- Yeah, but we owe
it to the community.

- The community
stole my underwear

out the dryer in the Laundromat.

The community stole my car.

I got smacked in my face

in front of my daughter
in the community.

- I don't know what
that's supposed to mean.

- f*ck the community.

Let's make this
film, get this money,

and get out the community.

- I think you're being a
little shortsighted here.

I mean, we have an opportunity

to make actual important cinema.

- What I told you off the top

was I wanna get to
your level, you know?

- Okay.
- We can jump on television,

say some bullshit,

do a little tap dance
for the White man,

and get paid!

- Is that what you think I do?

- What do you think you do?

[hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

- Would you rather participate
in a Catholic loophole

or the Mormon loophole?

- A Catholic loophole?
- Yeah, you know,

can't have sex,
so you have a**l.

[crowd clamoring] And...

- Wait a minute.
[laughter]

- And Mormons, you
know what they do,

right, they do soaking.

You know what soaking is?
- What's soaking?

- Soaking... the guy put
the p*nis in the vag*na,

but he doesn't
move. [laughter]

He just let it soak.

- Oh, I don't think I
want my p*nis pruned up.

[laughter]

♪ ♪