01x05 - Com a Boca na Botija

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My brother Toinho,

bury this where no pigs,

or anyone else, can find it.

-I'll tell you when to open it.

-Don't worry, Mr. Virgulino.

I'm gonna bury it

where not even an armadillo will find it.

What's this, Mr. Lampião?

It's a fleur-de-lis.

They say it brings luck to cangaceiros.

Can I keep it?

-You're not a cangaceira.

-I will be one day.

-A woman as a cangaceira?

-Who says I can't?

Quiet, girl.

Here's what we'll do,

I'm going to keep this here in the stash.

If you become a cangaceira one day,

I'll gift it to you.

But for now, keep my scarf.

-Is it Lampião's promise?

-Yes, it is.

Hey.

-A penny for your thoughts.

-Oh, I was thinking about you, Captain.

Me?

Yes, I was remembering that day,

when I was younger,

when you and Papa were stashing your loot.

Yeah. I love stashing things away.

Captain, I know I keep insisting

that we get that stash at once,

-but it's not because of the gold.

-It's not? Then why?

Because of the gift

you said you'd give me.

Don't you remember?

Gift? Oh. I remember the gift.

I feel it'd be a way to seal our union.

Seal our union?

You make it sound like you're proposing.

Gosh, Captain, who do you think I am?

I think you're the most beautiful

and courageous girl I've ever met.

Really?

-Don't lie to me, Captain.

-No.

Look, I've been meaning

to tell you something.

I haven't yet, but I'll say it now--

I can't start the fire. Nobody's helping!

Look at Lockdown.

You're sleeping in there, slimy?

"Sleeping in there?" No.

This hammock's a cocoon.

I'll soon be a butterfly.

Captain, Mock-Up Guard

didn't want to set up his tent.

Now he's creeping into mine.

I'm watching,

like a rattlesnake ready to strike.

-Do something.

-Why me?

Captain, what size worm

should we use to catch fish?

Wordy says it has to be a worm this big.

-What?

-Enough!

-Freeze!

-Give Captain time to think!

May I speak to you?

Unfreeze.

Yes, my real name is Amélia.

But after joining the cangaço,

they nicknamed me Miss Delay.

Yeah, it's in English, you know?

So, what's your name?

Amélia?

You're also Amélia?

Wait, isn't Amélia a girl's name?

Hey, what is this?

You know I really admire your calm way

of letting everyone do what they want.

Yeah, it's because I'm a democratic,

low-profile boss.

Well, I mean no offense,

but if you allow me

to offer you a suggestion,

it's good to delegate tasks sometimes.

Also, when you use these pretty words,

you end up confusing us.

The g*ng expects you

to be a leader, Captain.

If you don't tell them what to do,

they feel lost. Get it?

You're right, Mariá.

-I'm gonna fix this mess.

-Now you're talking.

Attention, everyone! Here's the deal.

From now on,

whatever I say is an order,

and you must follow it.

I'm gonna make things happen.

-Are you making it rain in the Sertão?

-What's this?

It's a note Papa sent

telling Captain to go see him urgently.

I think the colonel's the real boss.

He even orders Lampião around.

Respect the captain, man.

Who said the colonel gives me orders?

-I ordered him to summon me.

-Did you?

Yeah. Now I'm gonna go give him

even more orders.

-What will you order him to do, sir?

-I'll order him to do whatever we want.

That's my Captain.

I like that.

That's bold. Go, Captain!

I wanna dance.

He's here, Colonel.

Should I arrest him?

Patience, Rufino.

It's not the time yet.

But the people are being fooled.

If I tell Mariá, she'll confront him.

Everything has its time and place, Rufino.

For now,

nobody should know he's an impostor,

or the plan to attract Lampião won't work.

Trust me.

It's best if Mariá doesn't know for now.

Howdy. You called for me?

Took you long enough.

It took me long

to understand your message.

-Your handwriting is awful.

-Oh yeah?

So you must believe

that Lampião's handwriting

is much prettier, no?

It is beautiful. What penmanship!

It's practically like Times New Roman.

"Mimes Mew Moman." Go get it.

Write down what I dictate to you.

-Write down?

-Yeah. Write it.

Well, since you asked so nicely,

how can I say no?

This pen is the kind

that stains your fingers, isn't it?

Write this down.

-I…

-"I" as in me or you?

"I" as in you. Write.

-I…

-I…

-…am…

-…am…

…an impostor.

A what?

Oh, you were right.

Lampião's writing

is much prettier than mine.

-It is pretty.

-Yeah, it is.

Prettier than yours.

Here's the proof that you and Lampião

aren't the same person.

Are you trying to play a trick on me?

You know, he could be the impostor.

He may be the fake Lampião.

I know exactly who the fake is,

and it's the man right in front of me.

How long did you think you could fool me?

"Fool" is such a strong word.

It's been more of a prank, really.

Gotcha!

I'm the one who got you, scoundrel.

Be grateful you're in the palm of my hand

instead of Lampião's.

Well, thank you very much.

Is that really true?

Can you imagine

what Lampião could do to you?

At a minimum, after k*lling you,

he'd chop you into pieces

and spread your remains

all over Caatingueiras.

Your head in front of the church,

your knees at the store,

your ba*ls on an imbu tree.

Then he'd stretch out your guts,

and make shoe laces out of them.

Then I'd better get a lawyer.

Why get a lawyer when you have me?

One of my greatest traits

is being

a fair, kind, gentle man.

-A liar.

-Sometimes it's good to be a liar.

Especially in your case, for example.

What if I lied to Lampião

and told him there is no impostor?

That's the best idea you've had so far.

Let's go with that.

Yeah.

But you know what they say, right?

You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

One good turn deserves another.

This is getting weird.

-It sounds like a casting couch deal.

-No.

Actually,

it's an escape couch.

Here's what we'll do.

You do me a small favor,

and I won't tell Lampião you exist.

What if I don't want

to do this small favor?

Then I'll take it as,

you don't want my friendship,

therefore, I won't be able

to lie to Lampião for you.

There's no need to be so drastic.

What's this small, tiny favor you want?

Actually,

it's not that tiny.

And it's not a favor either.

It's payback.

You will restore my power, honor,

and influence in the region,

and undo all the harm

you've done to me here.

-Sound fair?

-Yeah.

The strong command, the weak obey.

Very good. That's the spirit.

So, is that it? Okay, thank you.

And to make sure

everything goes as I ordered,

Lieutenant Rufino will stay on top of you

in case you try to run away.

Run away?

It didn't even cross my mind to run away.

But a question still remains.

If I do everything

Colonel orders me to do,

can I run away?

Your freedom is your stash of gold.

I believe Mariá knows where it's buried.

Give me the stash,

and you'll be free forever.

Colonel.

About this "stay on top of him" thing,

what if I, as a lawman,

stuck around the village

to make sure the slimeball keeps his word?

Of course not!

Are you trying to confuse me?

I have a much better idea.

Why don't you,

as a lawman,

stick around the village

to make sure the slimeball keeps his word?

Is it or isn't it a good idea?

It is, sir.

-Am I not a genius?

-Sure, sir.

Only a genius could think such things.

I agree. Now, get out of here, henchman!

Get on top of that man!

-What? You think your sh*t doesn't stink?

-Stop messing around.

You never do anything right.

What if Mariá finds out about this?

Then I'd be screwed.

But I didn't mean any harm, Padre.

Help me. What do I tell the g*ng?

-The truth.

-Are you crazy or just insane?

Wake up. Haven't you heard the saying,

"Lies have short shelf lives,"

by Paul the Apostle?

I know another saying.

"If no one catches you in a lie,

they'll think it's true," by Virguley!

The problem is

that you've been caught by the colonel.

If I don't do what the colonel says,

he'll tell Lampião the truth.

If I tell the g*ng the truth,

they'll get mad at me, leave,

spread it all over Caatingueiras,

and it'll reach Lampião.

I'm screwed regardless.

Damned if I do,

kicked in the nuts if I don't.

And when a cangaceiro leaves the g*ng,

he takes the head of another

to obtain amnesty.

You're fine with no head,

or nuts?

That's what lying gets you.

"A half-truth is better than no truth."

King David.

"Not every ear is worthy of every truth."

Van Gogh, the Ear King.

I lost. Wait, that's not in the Bible!

You talk to him, Captain?

Wow, guys. What happened here?

I told 'em you put me in charge,

and they obeyed me.

Do you like it?

Did that sleazy Colonel

do anything to you, Captain?

Captain, what did you do to him?

Did you kick him in the nuts?

Drop-kick him in the chest?

Easy, Mock-up Guard.

No need to get worked up.

I just need to look at Colonel

for him to respect me.

Just a glance.

-What did he say?

-You're the best boss he's ever seen.

And I endorse that.

So that means you put Papa in his place.

Yeah, I put him in his place.

A pity, isn't it?

Why is it a pity?

No, what I mean is,

when I got there,

I felt so damn sorry for the old guy.

He's a poor fella who has nothing in life.

His name's worth less in Caatingueiras

than mine is at the bank.

Captain, we don't understand.

Can you explain it better?

No, what I mean is that I'll restore

the colonel's status and prestige

so when he feels he's again above it all,

I'll bring him back down.

Then my orders will carry more weight.

The real orders,

from someone who knows how to give orders,

-who in this case is the colonel.

-Got it.

You really have a strategy for everything.

By the way…

what did you want to tell me earlier?

-I did?

-You did.

The stash.

Eavesdroppers.

You have to get

Lampião's stash of gold--

I mean, my stash.

Why did you change your mind so quickly?

Wasn't it what you wanted?

-To get the stash?

-Yes.

So go get it, for the love of God.

Yeah. But I'm going to need help.

Help!

We're gonna get the stash.

Papa's map is full of riddles.

I'll need your help. Come here.

"I speak, but I have no mouth."

"I hear, but I have no ears."

"And I have no body,

but I live with the wind."

That's an easy one. It's an echo.

Holy cow, that's it.

And the only place I know that has an echo

is the Deep Hole Cave,

and it's right here on the map.

Right here, look.

Miss Delay,

you're faster than broadband internet.

You, your siblings, and Mariá should go.

-Okay.

-Captain, what do we do?

You come with me for a tutorial

on how to give people orders.

How to give orders. C'mon.

Lockdown, come on!

No, it wasn't her.

It was the other one, the colonel's wife.

Good morning, Ms. Zulmira.

Good morning, Captain.

Gossiping about Colonel?

No, I wasn't.

The girls were just telling me a story.

From now on, the story will be different.

-Bumper, the soap.

-Soap.

Soap?

Every time I suspect

you're thinking of bad-mouthing Colonel,

I'll wash your mouth with juá.

-Juá.

-Oh, is that all?

I use it to make tea, Captain. Thank you.

I'll wash your dirty mouth with juá,

and smear hot chili

on your lips like lipstick

until you spit fire!

-Fire.

-Stop being mean, Captain. Holy cow.

The only thing we have left

is to bad-mouth that evil-hearted colonel.

Here's what we'll do, from now on,

whenever your tongue itches…

…to bad-mouth Colonel, come find me.

I'll edit the information.

Captain calls the shots.

Oh really?

They say the colonel

has a softer heart than the captain.

-Bumper.

-Make it better.

-You don't wanna upset Captain.

-Oh yeah?

I'll make it better.

Colonel has a great heart.

He's a great man, with a great soul.

While Captain is a disheveled

and dirty tyrant.

Excuse me!

-I think she took offense.

-Poor thing.

How's it going, Hominy?

Is he doing everything as Colonel ordered?

He is, Lieutenant. If he isn't,

I'll sh**t him between the eyes.

No, don't. Just keep watching him.

It's here. Come.

Are we here?

What now?

Is anyone there?

Oh, there is.

Where are you?

I'm here, girl.

Quit being dumb, Amélia.

Can't you tell it's the echo?

We've arrived.

It's here.

-Let's dig?

-Let's.

Here, guys.

Look.

Another riddle from Papa.

"The older I get,

the more it happens to my age."

Well, it goes up.

That has to be it.

Dang, you're smart!

Shall we go up?

What's up with her?

How did she get smart all of a sudden?

I don't know. Maybe the hot sun

is messing with her head.

She's just good with riddles.

Let's climb the rocks. Let's go.

Goodness.

What now, Mariá?

What does the map say?

Such strong wind. Wait.

It's…

We must follow the map

in the direction the good winds blow.

Give me that.

-There she goes.

-Leave her be.

She's been the one

solving the riddles up to now. Go, girl.

Amélia! What did you do?

Well, now we just follow the map

where the good winds take it.

I can't believe this.

Good Winds is the name

of a local farm, dumbass.

We're screwed.

We're in trouble now.

Now we're really screwed.

ZÉ BOFÃO'S STORE

Captain, how can I help you?

Are those the colonel's yucca roots?

No, these are the good thick ones.

The colonel's are thin as a stick

and have no flavor.

Then get the colonel's thin ones,

fold them in two,

and sell them as thick ones.

-I want you selling his thick yucca.

-Have mercy, Captain. I'll go bankrupt.

It's crazy to sell a product

no one wants to buy.

Fine, man.

-You don't need to sell it.

-Thanks.

Zé Bofão, pour me a shot of cachaça.

Sure, Lieutenant.

And pour one for Captain as well.

Cachaça is good for the memory.

Correction! You don't need to sell

just the colonel's yucca,

you will also sell his cheese,

his tobacco, his beef jerky, his pitomba.

Sell all the colonel's goods,

or I'll set Lockdown loose.

Captain, I thought you were a good man,

a friend of the Caatingueira people.

Stop crying!

I can't stand to see a man cry.

Let's go.

One more, please.

Remember anything else from the map?

Guys,

look at how intriguing nature is.

Check this out.

As if losing the map wasn't bad enough,

you want to distract us too?

Stop.

I don't know anything.

We're screwed.

I'll never find that stash.

Come on, Mariá.

Sometimes you seem to want this stash

more than Captain does.

There's something in this stash

that's very important to me.

A special necklace.

I feel like

only when it finally touches my chest

will I become a true cangaceira.

It'll be my initiation.

Look at how intriguing nature is.

Doesn't it look like

a handprint is on that trunk?

Holy cow, there it is.

It's Papa's hand.

-How do you know that?

-Wow.

He used to measure my hand against his,

to see how much I'd grown.

I realized I'd become an adult

when my hand was the same size as his.

-It's here, guys. We arrived. Let's dig.

-Let's do it.

Look at this, Mariá.

We found it.

Do your job, man.

I'm watching you.

Man, what's up with Rufino?

He's like a hunting dog.

Wherever we go, he follows.

Waze, keep an eye out.

Guard, if anyone comes,

physically stop them.

Wordy, you answer any questions.

Lockdown, freeze!

Bumper, come with me.

Good afternoon.

Look at this. Such distinguished guests.

Captain and his g*ng.

-Did you come to raise the heat?

-No, I came to raise the tax.

That's not a problem. Conceição!

Come here and raise the Captain's "tax."

You want to make it bigger, huh?

No, we came to get some deep value funds.

Oh, deep? You should've said so before.

Ivonete!

Come here.

Today, Captain wants your specialty.

I'll give it to you, Captain.

Yeah, but this isn't just between

me and your girls.

You're involved too.

Oh, well, an orgy costs more.

Actually, I came

to collect the colonel's taxes.

What taxes?

The tax rights you owe him.

He has tax rights over this establishment.

That is, you'll pay the colonel

80% of your revenue.

Come on, Captain. The poor girls.

Cut them some slack.

Yeah, we can try.

-How about just 50%?

-Fifty percent? What?

Well, that's 50% of the gross revenue,

so don't be too alarmed.

But the tax must be paid in advance,

and retroactively.

-Captain, I thought you were different.

-So did I.

But I guess you're just another colonel

pretending to be a hero.

You just want to exploit us.

Girls, we'll have to close our legs--

I mean, doors.

Captain, please.

-What will we do for a living now?

-We'll die.

What else can we do?

I think they're upset, right?

Yes. What did you expect?

You little prick.

Come on.

Unfreeze!

Colonel!

Colonel?

-So?

-The impostor did everything you demanded.

Caatingueiras is in your hands again.

I just sent a reply note

to the real Lampião

confirming the story of an impostor.

When he gets here,

I'll k*ll him too. I can't take any risks.

Why k*ll both of them, Colonel?

Haven't you seen the harm

this impostor did to my village?

The people think he is Lampião.

And leaving the real one alive

is the same as leaving the impostor alive.

Why don't you reveal this one as a fake?

Because he will serve as bait

to attract the real one.

And when he gets here

and sees your deputies,

zap!

Goodbye. Both Lampiãos, gone.

Stop whining.

Let's set into motion

the second part of my plan.

-You okay?

-Yes, sir.

-So let's go.

-Let's.

We're screwed.

-We're done for.

-And we're poor.

Captain ordered me

to sell the colonel's thin yucca.

No one wants it.

Thin, but bold.

It's not bold, it's meek.

Meek, but raw.

The sh*t will hit the fan in Caatingue

What a beautiful afternoon.

Nice gathering. Good afternoon.

Hello, Colonel, glad you came by.

-We were just speaking very highly of you.

-Obviously.

-Afternoon, Colonel.

-Afternoon, Zé Bofinho. Pour me a shot.

Here, it's high quality.

As you can see, Colonel,

we're only selling your goods,

-and customers can't get enough.

-How interesting.

But why?

The captain came by

to give us orders in your name.

What? A cangaceiro

giving orders in my name?

-How dare he!

-Colonel.

How lucky we are to be able to lay eyes

on a handsome figure such as yourself.

And you can rest easy.

I've already told everyone

that your yucca is thick and delicious.

Indeed, it is quite thick,

but it's up to the customer

if they like its flavor.

I appreciate all the flattery,

but what happened, Ms. Zulmira,

to make this poisonous k*ller

horsefly tongue of yours so sweet?

Why the change?

Colonel, I'm just following

your own orders given by Lampião.

My orders? What orders?

Colonel, please,

could you re-evaluate your F-U-C-K,

roll-in-the-hay tax?

Otherwise,

we'll have to stop fooling around,

-and I'll have to declare bankruptcy.

-But what do you mean?

What are you talking about?

Stop fooling around?

What tax? I didn't charge any tax.

Lieutenant Rufino is here.

He wouldn't let me lie. Tell them.

-It's true.

-Yeah.

Holy crap!

Colonel,

for the love of Jesus Christ

of all travelers,

what are you doing?

People are at church agonizing

over the new orders you've given here,

at Zé Bofão, at the cabaret,

even at the church.

What will Padre Cícero

think of Caatingueiras

when he comes for the saint's fair?

But, Brother Menino,

I don't know what you're talking about.

No!

-Yes.

-It can't be.

-It is.

-Hold me, Rufino. No.

It seems you all fell for Lampião's trick.

-Pity.

-But don't worry.

I will sort this out. Come here.

-Who does this guy think he is?

-My cheese!

Exploiting my beloved Caatingueiras.

My beautiful people,

my sexy-- I mean, suffering people.

And-- No, go away!

But,

leave it to me.

I, Colonel Tibúrcio,

together with the law-- Right, Rufino?

-Yes, right.

-I'm going to fix all of this.

I will get everything sorted out.

S-O-R-T-E-D O-U-T. Sorted out!

Good afternoon. Let's go.

That's right.

Captain, let's take advantage

of Colonel being more powerful

and get him now.

Calm down. Soon.

We have to wait for the stash.

We found the stash!

The stash is here, Captain.

Now let's get the colonel's head.

Chill, man. You can't even take a punch.

-And look what I found.

-Look at that.

What a beautiful thing.

It'll look gorgeous on you.

What's this symbol, a dagger?

A dagger?

Don't you know what it is?

No, I've never seen it. Am I supposed to?

It's a fleur-de-lis.

So beautiful.

-I'll take it as a gift, Captain.

-Keep it.

It might bring me luck.

But I can't guarantee your luck.

-What, Rufino?

-Not Rufino.

Lieutenant Rufino!

As a lawman, I am to arrest

the captain and his g*ng

for inappropriate use

of the colonel's name

in order to deceive and exploit

the people of Caatingueiras.

Wait a minute. I won't even lie.

It wasn't like that.

Everything I did

was on the colonel's orders.

-Wasn't it, Colonel?

-Leave me out of this.

Since when does the King of Sertão,

Lampião,

follow orders from a poor soul like me?

You're right, Colonel.

Lampião, King of Sertão,

would never follow your orders.

-You see?

-Actually, I can't see anything.

The truth is, you're not Lampião.

IN MEMORY OF