01x02 - Frescando com o Inimigo

[bunniefuu]

Help me, Padre Cícero.

Morning, Captain.

Good morning, my five-star,

verified-account holding Colonel-General.

Enough!

As always, you have a way with words.

-So, you're back, Captain?

-I'm back, but I wanna be "unback."

I think I went too far back in time.

I kinda left, but I didn't.

And now I'm here.

But now that you're back,

you'll pay me what you owe me, right?

Drop by my place later,

because right now I'm in a hurry.

Don't you go slighting me again.

I think I'm not the man

you think I am, Colonel.

And who are you?

I'm the man who would never slight

his favorite Colonel.

I've been waiting for you.

A NETFLIX SERIES

You've owed me a visit for a long time.

And you'd always pass by

without paying it.

Now we can talk comfortably.

Here, look, the eye.

It's your favorite.

Come on, eat it.

No need to be shy with a friend.

I promised Saint Lucy

I'd never eat anyone's eyes ever again.

Well, a promise is a promise.

God help me.

It looks kinda weird, Mariá.

Because it's inside out, Amélia.

Oh, there you are.

I was looking for you.

I wanna hear the rest of that cordel story

you were telling us, Mariá.

I can't now, Amália.

I'm busy making your sister's dress.

C'mon, finish the story.

You were almost at the end, Mariá.

Do you really wanna hear it?

-Yes, please!

-Where did I leave off?

You left off

with Lampião surrounded by pigs.

Pigs?

I don't want the poor things to get hurt.

Amélia, the cangaceiros

call the police "pigs."

-Go on, Mariá.

-So there was Lampião,

surrounded by the pigs,

when he cut the lake in two with a knife!

He parted the waters.

-And his g*ng crossed the lake.

-That's a sharp knife.

When the troops started crossing

the path made by the Captain's blade,

he shot into the air. Bang!

The fish got scared, and their fidgeting

made the water engulf the troops.

They all drowned.

I think that's a true story.

Once, I heard someone caught a fish

that looked just like the troops' chief.

I didn't like it.

You only tell stories of g*ns and death.

Where's the romance?

The cangaço is for tough guys, Amaro.

There's no Prince Charming.

You've never dreamed of a man

asking for your hand?

If a man wants my hand…

I'll slap him with it.

I don't wanna marry.

-You don't?

-No.

My real dream is being in the cangaço,

where I'd be free, like the circus folks.

I'd have the power

to help all the suffering people in town.

I'd live without a king or laws,

and I'd be happy.

-Well, I dream of getting married.

-Pray Papa doesn't hear you.

He'd get you

an arranged marriage like this.

Just like he wants to do to us.

Eat before it gets cold, Captain.

-Captain?

-Captain?

Lampião is here?

Well, then, eat the tongue.

-Haven't you heard?

-What?

-Everybody knows.

-What?

They found Saint Anthony of Padua's tongue

after he died.

I made a promise to him

that I'd never eat tongue again.

Yeah.

I hadn't thought of it that way.

Well, then,

eat the tail.

I'm sorry, sir. I'm not allowed.

-Who won't allow you?

-Padre Cícero.

He told me

to stop eating tail or I'd get addicted.

Darn it, I'm screwed.

I'm really addicted to tail.

But if Padre Cícero said so…

I'm just joking.

What I really like

is raw cassava with flour.

They say it's dangerous,

but not as dangerous as I am.

That's strange.

I heard there was only one thing

you were really afraid of,

and that was eating an entire raw cassava.

Not because you could choke on it,

but because it's poisonous.

Who's been spreading lies about me?

Who's the deceitful gossip?

This is fake news!

Well,

I've had lies told about me too.

Is that so?

Yes.

But you're fabulous!

Would you like some liquor?

I see you enjoy sniffing a good cigar too.

-This one smells pretty good.

-It's top-notch.

And it's yours.

In fact, you can have the whole box.

Is this an imported whiskey?

Yes, indeed it is. Now it's yours.

What riches.

-You did a great job.

-You like it?

I can't believe I managed to finish it.

I'm still shaking

from seeing Lampião so up close.

After Papa died,

he never dropped by our place again.

Now I only catch a glimpse of him

when he passes by the village.

And when you tell his stories, Mariá.

-You look like a princess.

-It's so pretty.

And what about this fine china?

Is it valuable?

Very much.

It's all yours.

What a comfortable chair.

Is it jacaranda wood?

Consider it "jacaran-done." It's yours.

What about this little turkey here?

It's yours.

You can take it.

If such a small idol

could give me so much trouble,

-this one might be even worse.

-Excuse me?

What about these shoes?

-They belonged to my late wife. Take them.

-I'm afraid of the dead.

Afraid? Of the dead?

No. I said I have gas when I eat bread.

Then let it out.

Your burp

deserves a Guinness world record.

-But I didn't burp.

-Are you saying I burped, playboy?

No, it might've been me.

Not only that, you also farted!

Captain, I'm sure you remember Mariá,

daughter of your friend

Tonho Pereira of the Ox Cart.

Of course I remember!

My great friend Toinho.

How is he?

Oh, Captain.

-Papa died a while ago.

-Yes.

He might be dead for others,

but in my heart,

he's remained alive all this time.

Speaking of time,

we didn't catch up properly over lunch.

Captain, how long will you be staying?

-One day.

-Just one?

A day, a month. We'll see how it goes.

I just didn't understand one thing.

Forgive my curiosity.

You left in a hurry to invade Mossoró,

but you're already back.

-Change your mind?

-In a hurry?

-Yes.

-Mossoró?

-Mossoró.

-Mossoró is a long shot.

-A g*nsh*t?

-Many g*nshots!

But that's relative,

because for those who are leaving,

the ones coming are the ones leaving.

There and back in two months.

-Isn't that so?

-That's true, indeed.

I've already fed the animals.

Mariá, I'll walk you home.

No need, Rufino.

-Can't you see Captain's here, "Rufin-ox"?

-I didn't know you were still here.

-Afternoon, Captain.

-Afternoon, "Rufin-ox."

-C'mon, Mariá. Let's go.

-You're so insistent.

I'll go alone. Stop pestering me.

A lady can't walk by herself.

People will talk.

Were we born joined at the hip?

Let them talk.

But I can't walk alone.

I can't stand gossip about me.

If the lady wants to accompany me,

I'm heading the same way.

If Captain needs company,

I'll gladly join him.

No need to bother him.

I'll go with Mariá, daughter of Toinho.

Haven't you heard Captain, henchman?

Bye-bye, cuck.

-I only wanted to help, Colonel.

-Your help gets in the way, Rufino.

-I can't catch a break.

-Suck it up.

You put that cassava in your mouth

and survived.

I've put worse things in my mouth.

Colonel's stupid cassava

could never k*ll me.

Let me help you, milady.

-Come on.

-Is it far?

No, it's close by.

This will be our last rehearsal!

The Holy Host!

Pay attention.

You heard him.

Hail, hail

Hail Mary…

C'mon.

Hail Mary…

Hey. By the sound of Mariá's wagon,

there's someone else in it.

Someone important!

Lampião and Mariá?

-Together?

-Romantically?

-In love?

-I lost my customer.

Hail, hail…

We'll get there quick. C'mon.

It won't be long

before she gets knocked up.

Oh yeah.

You're so spiteful,

you're acting like she's expecting!

-You good-for-nothing.

-My a*s.

Raise the saint.

Praise!

-Raise the saint, people!

-Praise!

You idiots!

I'm telling you

to lift and turn the damned milk can!

g*dd*mn! C'mon.

Hail…

What does she have that I don't?

She has Lampião, you fool.

That's because

he hasn't yet had a taste of my candy.

Hail, hail…

I'm much more voluptuous than her.

But Lampião is with her.

Like the old saying goes,

"Around the hole, everything is an edge."

Brother Menino. Here's the mass wine.

Made from selected grapes.

You'll bless it, right?

-Give it.

-It's not gonna go anywhere.

-Don't bless it too much.

-Lampião's got a woman in every town.

Thank God.

What is that?

Zé Bofão, with this man in town,

certain powerful people

will turn Caatingueiras into a hellhole.

The skies will darken

and the rivers will run red, you'll see.

It'll be the end of times!

I'm telling you,

he had the guts

to humiliate that dolt Rufino

in front of Papa,

who did nothing about it.

He even called him "Rufin-ox."

Why an ox?

Will you tell her?

An ox is a bull that looks like a bull,

but when it's time to be a bull,

doesn't act like a bull.

So, he needs another bull

to be the bull he can't be.

Oh, I see now.

-Do you get it, Amélia?

-I don't.

Jesus Christ.

You are so slow, it makes me pity you.

And I pity poor Rufino.

He's been crazy about Mariá

since he was a kid,

and just saw her

walk away with another man.

I wanted to hatch a plan

to get into the cangaço.

Mariá tells us such beautiful stories.

Being free must be incredible.

Sure, go enjoy freedom

while starving in the woods,

losing your mind by day

and eating b*ll*ts by night.

Look, Amaro, women have no choice.

We're either at the mercy

of a cruel father or an arranged husband.

Indeed, Papa always says,

"Sons can do whatever they want.

They should be free like the bulls."

Sure, men can do whatever they want.

But it's hard pretending to be a bull

when you're just an ox.

Sheesh.

That's weird, Colonel.

Lampião said

he could stay a day or a month,

but he's never wanted to stay

in your lands very long before, right?

-It doesn't seem right.

-It doesn't.

First, Lampião said

he was going to Mossoró.

He leaves with his men,

causes a commotion.

-And now he's suddenly here?

-Yeah.

-He's back? All alone?

-All alone.

No, he must be up to something.

Sheltering this good-for-nothing

is costing me too much.

And just when you're about

to rule this region.

It's not just that.

Lampião being around costs me money.

You saw it.

He practically stripped me naked!

And now that he's here,

I'm only the second most powerful.

And my villagers shouldn't be fawning over

an outsider who steals and kills.

That's your thing.

What?

I don't steal or k*ll.

I confiscate what's mine,

and send some souls

to Jesus a little early.

Colonel, what if Lampião came back

because he found out about your plan?

I don't know!

Until I find out what he came back for,

we need to find a way

to get him out of here.

Without direct confrontation,

without any deaths.

Colonel, what about those wanted posters

at the police station?

You can double the reward

and distribute them around.

-No!

-No, okay. No.

-I've got a much better idea.

-Tell me.

What about those wanted posters

at the police station?

-Yes, sir.

-I'll double the reward,

and distribute them around!

Isn't that a great idea?

-Sure.

-Am I not a genius?

Yes, you are, sir.

So, what are you waiting for?

Get moving, you fool!

And tell the sheriff it was your idea!

Captain, you can rest easy.

Papa kept your stash hidden

under lock and key.

He also left me a map before he died.

-You were close friends, right?

-Who?

You and Papa.

Hand and glove.

Soulmates. Yeah.

We were joined at the hip.

We were like the armpit and the crutch.

I just don't get

why you never went after the stash before.

That's how investments work.

I left it there to earn interest.

It's my savings, you know?

You know how stock market rates fluctuate.

It's good to have long-term assets.

You must know what you're talking about.

Sweetheart, there aren't enough rainbows

in the world to hide all my pots of gold.

Listen,

is it just me or was that dolt back there

interested in you?

I'm just curious.

Who, Rufino? God no, Captain.

We've known each other since we were kids.

We took Communion together.

I don't care if he's interested.

I know he's one of the Colonel's lackeys,

but he's a good man.

-Don't be mad at him.

-Okay.

-He's only k*lled people for fun.

-He k*lled people?

I'm just kidding.

He gets scared if two guys fight, Captain.

What a sissy.

There you go.

We're here?

Oh, you don't recognize Papa's old house?

-I mean, it used to be pink, right?

-Not at all.

In my mind,

it was the color of a feverish donkey.

-So you remember. It was light brown.

-Right, just like brewed coffee.

Wow, I was just about

to offer you coffee, Captain.

-Want a cup?

-An espresso?

Really fast.

Where's the brake?

-Are you hurt?

-No, that's how I get off wagons.

Then come in.

It's a simple house, but it's clean.

It'll be full soon

since everything in the cart is yours.

Where can I put these?

Drop them anywhere.

I'll donate everything.

-There are people in more need than I.

-The saint statue?

Oh. Come here.

Maybe you could

put it there, next to the Virgin Mary.

No!

Here, in this corner.

Please.

-What is that?

-Papa peed through these holes.

But he also shot through them

with his Winchester.

He'd riddle the pigs with b*ll*ts!

Whoever was in Papa's sights

became worm food.

Captain, I don't wanna bother you,

but can I ask you a question?

-Sure.

-Why isn't your g*ng with you?

-Isn't it awfully dangerous?

-Oh, my g*ng?

Excellent question.

I've decided to give them paid leave.

Some of them are working remotely.

Others have started their own businesses.

In one month,

those in Mossoró will come back.

I don't quite understand.

Don't you think

being away from your g*ng is risky?

I know you're indestructible,

but Mossoró is far away from here.

It'll take them months to return.

You're right.

I'll build a new,

outsourced g*ng right here.

-Would people be interested?

-Oh, you have no idea, Captain.

Can you imagine?

These people are suffering.

Colonel pays for their work

with chicken feed.

Getting into the cangaço means freedom.

-And I'd be first in line.

-You?

Me.

Did you forget that when I was a child,

you promised I'd be in your g*ng?

You told me I just had to grow up first.

Look at me. Am I grown up?

Very grown up.

And a promise is a promise.

-Welcome to the cangaço.

-Mother of God.

I've waited so long for this, Captain.

You're a man of your word.

Have you been in many gunfights

with the troops?

Have you scared the pigs away?

-Gunfights?

-Shootouts?

Well, lately,

I haven't been involved in many gunfights.

I've been trying to do

something new in the cangaço.

It's "philanthrepy."

Golly, you keep using such fancy words.

It's hard to understand.

"Philanthrepy" is what you're gonna do

with the things I gave you.

I see.

It's called "philanthrepy," is it?

I finally know a word that describes

what my heart

wants to do for these people.

-"Philanthrepy." I like it.

-I wanna help too.

I'll show people I'm a good Christian.

Ask Padre Cícero.

-Do you really want to help people?

-No.

No?

Yes.

I just don't know how.

But I do.

-Will you help me?

-I will.

I want a p*ssy.

Show the lady respect!

-He means a pussycat, Captain.

-Oh.

WORTH ONE p*ssy FROM THE COLONEL

I need mud, Captain,

so I can build my home.

Thank you very much, Captain.

I need a coffin.

-Thank you, sir.

-Bless you.

Thank you, Captain.

-I need a glove, Captain.

-And I want a c*ck.

-Like the bird?

-No, a man's c*ck.

-And a glove for the c*ck?

-No, Captain. A glove for my hand.

Makes sense, I guess.

I want a fishnet, Captain.

Hey.

-Are you happy?

-So happy.

-They never had a chance like this.

-I've always dreamed of owning a charity.

But how will they get such things

from just pieces of paper?

That's easy.

I'll make Colonel pay for everything.

Wait, I almost forgot something.

Here.

-What is this?

-Open it.

It's a map Papa left me.

It shows the exact location

of your stash of gold.

If you want, Captain,

we could go get it and donate it all.

Holy cow, Padre Cícero.

It's Lampião's stash.

Yeah. The King of Cangaço.

The Governor of Sertão.

The fastest draw in the Caatinga.

The sharpest knife of the Northeast.

The man that bleeds all liars.

No, dear, it's better if we don't take it.

Let's keep it stashed for now.

You never know.

C'mon, you weasel.

Where's the money and the jewels?

-Tell us.

-Spit it out, damn it!

Did you find them?

I knew you were lying.

Jararaca, gather all weapons,

a*mo, money, and provisions.

Pack all of our bags.

The road to Mossoró is a long one.

Captain, cangaceiros shouldn't go

into towns with more than one church.

Having second thoughts?

Do you know what a bank is?

It's a massive payload.

A lake full of money.

That's what a bank is.

Plus, no one in Mossoró

would dare steal your clothes, Captain.

No man should be allowed

to roam about impersonating me.

I wanna find this b*stard

and shove my knife down his collarbone

until his guts spill out of his body.

-I'll make this man bleed.

-He's all yours.

Jararaca, Cascavel, Brinquedo do Cão!

C'mon, g*ng!

C'mon! Let's go, g*ng!

Hey, pretty lace maker

You, who makes laces

Teach me how to make laces

And I'll teach you how to love

Hey, pretty lace maker

You, who makes laces

Show your ticket.

-Hold it out.

-Show your ticket.

Go in.

-Move it, let me through.

-Sir, show me your ticket.

Tickets. Show 'em.

What the heck is going on here?

-They brought tickets, Colonel.

-Tickets?

I don't recall distributing tickets.

"Worth a p*ssy from the Colonel."

-I'm no animal shelter.

-This is Lampião's doing.

After he got together with Mariá,

who's a cangaceira now,

they decided to do some charity.

Rufino's lost his girl.

He got cucked

without even getting a taste.

-What did you say?

-Hey!

-Say that again!

-Stop it!

-Come here!

-Calm down!

-Calm down!

-Just suck it up!

-Calm.

-Suck it up.

So I'm the one

who's gotta pay for all this.

-Girls, I have news for you.

-Spit it out. I'm curious.

Watch out. Curiosity k*lled the cat.

So that's what happened?

Oh, I thought Stinky

had died of rabies. Poor thing.

It's just an expression.

Now tell us, brother.

-Mariá and Lampião got together.

-They're in love?

Like in a romance?

No, like in the cangaço.

She's a cangaceira in his g*ng.

-A cangaceira?

-A cangaceira?

They allow women?

Why do you ask?

Papa would never let you join them.

-And why would he need to know?

-What's the cangaço again?

Go on. You're welcome.

God bless you all.

You're welcome!

Get out.

I'm gonna k*ll that son of a g*n.

Mariá

C'mon, Mariá

Mariá

Holy cow!

Oh, Virguley.

In the land of the blind,

the one-eye man is king.

Finally, Your Holiness showed up.

Where were you when I needed you?

You needed me?

You were so full of yourself,

acting all tough.

You didn't even notice the looming danger.

Danger? So show me the way, Father.

I feel like a bird trapped in a cage.

Then open the cage

and let the bird free to fly

with its flock.

Its flock?

What flock, man?

Captain?

-Did you call me?

-I came to show you a silly old thing.

The wanted poster for Lampião.

After what you did for the people,

I doubt anyone would sell you out.

Do you think

my head is worth two Nellore oxen?

-Much more.

-Four, then?

Even more, Captain.

-Four oxen and a Fiat Uno.

-I don't know that breed.

You're worth the whole herd.

Don't worry about it.

Your main problem now is the colonel.

-He must be fuming with anger by now.

-You think he scares me?

Don't forget, it's just the two of us,

without any g*ns to defend ourselves.

That's it.

We're free to fly with our flock,

my little bird.

Let's live like country doves.

-Flying?

-No, in a g*ng.

Will you help me build our flock?

IN MEMORY OF