01x06 - Monster Mash

[bunniefuu]

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Hold on.

This is dodgy.

What's the problem, Steven?

This is blackmail.

Some cyber-snoop, blackmailing poor

chaps innocently browsing porn.

So? Well, blackmail's ill*gal.

Steven, this is Clem Fandango,

can you hear me?

OK, handsome has come

as the Milk Tray man.

I'm referring to the rope. You're

not going to hang yourself, are you?

It's for slack rope walking.

We do it most Wednesday afternoons.

Slack what? Slack Alice, more like.

Ha!

No, we just head to the park,

sling a rope between a couple

of trees a few feet off the ground.

It's like tightrope walking

but low risk and bouncier.

Hang on a second.

What if someone susses

that it's my voice threatening

these poor unfortunates?

As long as they don't see your face,

I think you'll be fine, Steven.

Oh, right, so you're a lawyer now,

are you, as well as an acrobat?

Honestly, Steven, relax.

It's all above board.

Is there CCTV in here?

Yes.

Well, then, I'm off,

I'm not doing this.

I'm not going to jail

for you two prats.

LA prisons are crowded enough

as it is, with all the robberies

and murders and Kidnappings.

Kidnappings, exactly.

If you don't finish the job, though,

Steven, the client won't pay.

I couldn't give a f*ck's house

and do you know why?

Because today is my first day

on the new Star Wars movie.

Mm. Yeah, sure.

Yeah? And I know it'll open

plenty of doors for moi.

So, there's a fair chance this

could be my last ever voice-over.

That'd be such a shame.

I mean, it's always been so great

working with you, Steven,

hasn't it, Clem? Sure has, yeah.

You two are so full of sh*t

your eyes are turning brown.

You despise me nearly

as much as I do you. Yeah?

You can stick your voice-overs

up your ponies

because you'll never see me again.

Stay safe out there, Steven.

Take My Hand

by Matt Berry

Ba-ba-ba

# Ba-ba, ba-ba-ba

# Ba-ba-ba-ba

# Ba-ba, ba-ba-ba

Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba

Ba-ba-ba-ba

Ba-ba, ba-ba-ba

Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba. ♪

When I met him two weeks ago,

he seemed totally fine.

How can someone just suddenly die?

Who are you talking about?

My friend, Kelsey Perfume.

He dropped dead last week.

If they got to him, then that means

they might soon be onto me.

I don't care about any of that. I'm

filming Star Wars today, finally.

My car should be here at any moment.

Toast, what's your fake name? What?

If a cop stops you for something,

what name do you give them?

Well, my own name, of course. No,

man, always give them a fake name.

I've got a couple that I use.

Like what?

Frank Succession. Tycoon Lancaster.

Jesus Bond. Russ Nightlife.

August Burdock. Clint Legal.

You just said Russ Nightlife. Did I?

Yes. Is your real name not

Russ Nightlife?

Sure it is.

Is your real name Steven Toast?

Yes, of course. Yeah. Sure.

Where the hell is my car?

Maybe you should call them.

Hello, you're talking to Sorry.

I use the pronouns

She, Her and Here.

I'm one of the production

coordinators

on the new Star Wars movie,

Force The Wind.

How may I help you today?

What's your name, sorry? Sorry,

yes, that is my name. Sorry Johnson.

Johnson, no. My name's Toast.

Look, I'm one of the main actors

in the film you're sh**ting today.

Where's my car?

Um, so we're not exactly sure

when that would be.

Things are a little uncertain

right now due to the producers

trying to co-ordinate

an onset visit

by Her Royal Majesty

Queen Elizabeth II of England.

The Queen, you say? Yes.

I have your phone number

on file right here, Stuart,

I can give you a call

when we have more information.

It's Steven.

Ah, well, things have gone

a little more complicated.

The Queen is due to visit set.

Who gives a sh*t?

Well, I've never met the Queen.

I once had a brief affair with

her late sister,

the Princess Margaret,

but she was a handful.

I'll have a cappuccino.

You what? You asked me

if I wanted a coffee.

No, I didn't.

Yeah, you said you'd walk over

to the new coffee place

just around the corner.

No, I didn't.

I'm waiting for my car.

I couldn't help but notice, Toast,

that you're a little late with

the rent this month.

f*ck you, Nightlife,

do your own task

I'm a private jet,

you're economy class

Suck my t*tties,

I'll smoke your grass

You'll be losing your mind

when you're eating this a*s. ♪

I'm sorry, what was that?

Nothing.

How long will this take? Uh, no,

I don't know, it's a new joint.

I'm guessing it's real busy.

Ohh!

What the f*ck do you think

you're doing?

OK, buddy,

everything's going to be just fine.

Take his hood off.

Listen, before we cut off your ear,

I want you to call your family

and tell them what's happened.

A, I don't have a family.

Hey, Tom, I don't

Will you shut up, Wallace?

We're on a tight schedule, remember?

But I What the hell is it, man?

I don't think this is him.

I think we've got the wrong guy.

You what?

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Is this a moving truck?

Let's get him out of here.

What the? Whoa!

Forgive me for taking a while,

but I was the victim

of an intended kidnapping.

Oh.

The crimewave in this town

is getting ridiculous.

Why are you eating newspaper? I eat

newspaper when I'm anxious.

Why? What am I, a shrink?

I'm nervous about Kelsey Perfume.

They got him, they're going to come

for me next. It just doesn't add up.

He was a fit guy, couldn't have been

more than 70, 80 years old.

You don't just drop dead like that.

Well, he was no spring chicken.

Chicken? What?

They say he had a lot of enemies

in the San Francisco Mafia,

especially after he took a sh*t

on Tony de Bruzzio's doorstep.

But I don't think it was the mob

that got to him.

I think it was the feds.

Hey, will you get that, Toast?

Quickly. All right.

Hello. Hello, Mr Steven Toast?

Sorry, I need to give you

some information.

Sorry, who is this?

I am Sorry. What, why?

I'm Sorry,

from the production office.

Right. Sorry, yes.

Now I understand. Where's my car?

OK, so, unfortunately, we won't be

getting to your scene today.

You what?

Something happen?

They say they won't get around

to sh**ting my scene today.

Do you know where Billy is? No.

She's been acting real odd,

asking loads of questions.

Googling stuff on her LA P-top.

Don't you mean laptop?

I thought they were called LA P-tops

because they were invented in LA.

No, they're called laptops

because they go on your lap.

I thought I heard Billy on the phone

last week speaking English.

Did you hear that?

No.

I mean, she could have picked it up

from somebody. What?

You don't just pick up English

by hearing someone speak it.

You have to learn it from books.

If you hear her speaking English

you tell me, all right? OK.

I'm going out.

Yeah, I gathered that.

Hang on,

you never leave the apartment.

I want to see if I can find out more

about what happened

to Kelsey Perfume.

Jane? Morning, Toast.

Or whatever time it is there.

Why are you calling me, Jane?

Just to wish you all

the best for the Star Wars sh**t.

I sent a bottle of whisky to the set

for you to enjoy with your new

Tinseltown friends.

Right. But, just remember,

drink sensibly.

Hold on, Jane.

And, whatever you do,

don't mess this up.

Sorry, Jane, I've got to go.

Bloody hell, a coffin?

Yeah. Give me a hand opening it up.

I'm not touching that.

All right, we're coming in, Kelsey.

Jesus. I wonder what he found

so funny.

Ugh.

Nope, I don't see any sign

of foul play there.

I guess I overreacted.

You know, Toast,

we've got to rebury Kelsey.

Can't have a body in the apartment.

I mean, imagine

if the feds found it, right?

If you think I'm going

to rebury this coffin,

then you've got another think

coming.

You know, I wonder

if I would talk that way

if I owed someone $6,000 in rent.

All right.

There. What was so bad about that?

You're a f*cking lunatic, Nightlife.

I can't wait for my Star Wars film

to smash.

Then I'll move out of your nuthouse

and into a massive mansion

in the Hollywood Hills.

It's me again, you f*cking morons.

You've got to be f*cking kidding me.

Again?

You two pricks need to let me out,

now.

Whoa!

This is no way to prepare

for my role in a major science

fiction motion picture franchise.

I'm going to need a new jacket.

sh*t.

Jesus.

A parachute?

What the?

Hello?

Toast, it's Ed.

Listen, I've just seen a fascinating

documentary on the BBC.

It's about a criminal

who hijacked an aeroplane,

threatened to blow it up,

got loads of ransom money,

then jumped out of the plane

never to be seen again.

Reminded me very much of your

strange roommate, Russ Nightlife.

Well, that is fascinating, Ed.

Tell me, did he have an accomplice

named Kelsey Perfume?

No.

Well, then, it's the mob.

What's that?

Hold on.

What the hell, Billy?

Toast, I didn't think you'd be here,

you're supposed to be on the

movie set. What is your name, sir?

Jesus Bond.

It's OK, John, he's not a suspect.

He's a British actor who's here to

star in the latest Star Wars movie.

Yeah, sure.

Look, I feel pretty stressed.

What's this about?

Look, Toast, I haven't been

completely honest with you.

I'm actually an undercover agent

with the FBI. You're a what?

We suspect Russ Nightlife - that's

not his real name, by the way -

is actually involved in

a major criminal incident. Really?

We don't have much evidence,

but he did use a fake ID

at a liquor store downtown.

OK. We're going to bring him

in for questioning.

I always said he was bloody odd.

Talking of clear evidence,

I don't know if this will be of any

use to you, but I've just been in

his bedroom and I found a

parachute

You what? ..a briefcase full

of rolled-up banknotes Really?

..a newspaper report indicating that

he'd hijacked an aeroplane OK.

..a g*n and 50 rounds

of ammunition. We got him!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, stay right there.

Toast?

What exactly is happening there?

Sorry, Ed, I didn't realise

you were still on the line.

I can't talk now, we'll speak soon.

Why isn't Billy in trouble?

You speak English?

What? Toast, it's Blair.

I need to talk to you about

that money that you owe me.

Toast?

Toast, just to inform you,

your apartment's now a crime scene,

so you're going to have to scram for

a few days. You got somewhere to go?

I want to talk to my lawyer.

I suppose they could put me up

in a fancy hotel.

Who? The Star Wars people.

It's the entire reason why

I'm in LA,

I'm starring in the new

Star Wars movie.

Yeah, sure.

I suppose I could go for a stroll.

Nobody just goes for a stroll in LA,

especially not during a crimewave.

I'll be fine. I'm a big enough boy.

Hey, Toast.

Good luck.

Thanks, Billy. I'm not Billy.

My real name is Millie.

Nothing is ever as it appears

in this crazy old town

they call Tinsel.

Tinseltown.

Good luck, Millie.

Bad luck, Nightlife.

My name is Orson.

May I see your invitation, please?

I don't have one.

Though I am starring

in the new Star Wars movie.

Yeah, sure.

Come in anyway.

I, too, am an actor by profession.

I've also dabbled in direction

and production.

Some of my motion pictures

have won prestigious awards.

Yeah, sure.

But, last year

..I discovered wine.

And it's pretty much

taken over my life.

I should say it has.

I take it you drink wine?

Right now, my friend,

I'd drink anything.

Try some deux mille dix-sept Patient

Cottat Anciennes Vignes Sancerre.

Good Lord, is that wine?

Yes, it is.

Just spit it onto the floor,

I'll clean it up later.

Have some more.

In for a penny

That's a Bandol Rouge.

It's an excellent vintage.

I say, any chance

I can swallow some of this?

I did actually come in here

for a drink.

Oh.

I should have mentioned earlier,

we also have another British actor

here with us today.

Would you care to meet him?

You've what? I say, sir,

you in the white safari suit.

White suit?

Well, that could only be one man.

Ray bloody Purchase.

Steven Gonville Toast.

Well, well, well.

I should have known.

Couldn't resist the offer of

free booze, could you, Toast?

I thought I'd seen you around town.

What are you doing here,

you cheap b*stard?

Last time I did see you,

you were flying through

the window of a London club.

Why aren't your legs broken?

I have particularly rubbery legs.

They don't break easily.

Meh. Eh.

What are you doing in Los Angeles?

I have acquired the best agent

in Hollywood, Toast.

And I'm actually working -

unlike you,

judging by the state of your jacket.

Fellows, would you mind if I filmed

something for our website

of you two gentlemen

enjoying our wine?

Why not?

The Bandol Rouge is sensational.

Oh, and, Toast, you get

a drop of wine on my holiday suit,

I will send you the bill.

Right, let's get on with it.

Ready.

Enjoy the wine.

Wonderful. This is

the Riserva Chianti, from Italy.

20 years old.

Beautiful.

Keep going, drink more.

This is the Chateau Angludet.

Riserva Chianti, 1974.

Yeah, savour the flavours.

Peaches, bergamot,

vineyards of ecstasy.

What's next?

Chateau Lafite. Cheers.

A day without wine

is a day without sun.

Time is a thief to fortune.

What can one say?

I've got a bit of a taste

for this now.

I can't get enough of that.

Superb.

Gentlemen, my time here is done.

You're going? All right.

Hold your horses.

Hold on, phone.

Toast.

Good afternoon, my name is Sorry,

I'm one of the production

coordinators

on the new Star Wars movie

Yes, I know. ..Force The Wind.

Yes, I know.

We need you on set in half an hour.

Her Royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

of England is visiting us

during her trip to LA and

we've had to change things around.

Half an hour? Yes.

And would you be able to make

your own way out here?

All of our drivers are busy

at the moment.

Thanks for everything, Orson.

Taxi!

It's me. I'm here.

Excuse me, who are you, sir? Steven

Toast. Are you? Oh, I'm Sorry.

Well, so you bloody should be.

The taxi cost me $150.

Now, where am I going?

Excuse me, Mr Toast, um,

you haven't been drinking, have you?

Well, I might have had a couple

of glasses of Bandol Rouge.

But I'm as sober as a judge

and ready for action.

OK. Um, just looking at the schedule

here, um, yeah,

things are still a little disrupted

due to the

visit of Her Majesty the Queen

of England to the set. Right.

However, our updated schedule

tells me that you will be needed,

uh, let me see

Yes, 7:30.

That's five hours away.

Well, it's actually 7:30am,

so that is 17 hours away.

17 hours. What the hell

am I going to do for 17 hours?

Oh, that's your trailer right there,

you can hang out, if you want.

Oh, God. Amazing, thank you, Stuart.

Stuart? It's Steven.

Uh, Mr Toast? Yeah, yeah!

Mr Toast, um, I'm afraid there's

been another change to the schedule.

Oh, not again. What time is it?

It's 4:40pm

and your on-set time has been

brought forward by 15 hours.

So when am I on? Now.

sh*t.

Oh, my God. This is our producer,

Mr Doobla-Decca.

He'd like to discuss

what he wants from you today.

Ah, we meet at last.

Steven Toast. Neil.

It is a huge honour to be part

of the Star Wars canon.

I am your obedient servant.

No, my name is Neil.

Neil Doobla-Decca.

There's really no need to

Neil? Oh, forgive me,

I misunderstood.

Apologies, Steven, that's

our director, Hawk Fahrenheit.

He wants a word. I'll be right back.

I think the Queen's arrived.

Sorry. Yes?

I was talking to Toast. Her Majesty

the Queen has just arrived.

We told her there's a Brit on set

today and she's keen to meet him.

Fantastic. Now, has anybody

told you about your role?

No, no, I don't know anything.

I haven't even read a script.

OK, well, uh,

Hawk will run it through with you.

Jesus.

What's that smell?

It's like gasoline.

Sorry? Yes. Can you get a script

for Steven? Absolutely.

Um, you know I'm so exc

I can't wait to do this.

Pretty cool to be part

of a Star Wars movie, right?

At last,

I've made it. I've bloody made it.

This is the best moment of my life.

And I will destroy you

and all the people from your planet

when I release a big wind

to blow you all away.

Force the wind!

Die, you tyrant!

Good will always conquer evil.

No!

Ray bloody Purchase?

Cut. That was great.

Uh, Mr Toast? Hi, our producer,

Mr Neil Doobla-Decca, thought

he could smell alcohol on your

breath, so he'd like you to return

to your trailer until the Queen

of England says her goodbyes

and leaves the set.

What? Thank you.

Lovely to meet you.

Um, this is your only scene

in the movie, right?

My only scene in the movie?

Of course not. Yeah, I think

it's just that one line.

Thank you, Stuart.

Ah, Toast.

Look a bit rough.

Didn't drink all that wine, did you?

You do know

you're supposed to spit it out?

Very amateurish.

Very unprofessional.

Toast of Tinseltown, it's actually

got quite a tragic ring to it,

don't you think?

You total prick!

This is the worst moment of my life.

OK, Wallace,

this better be the new star of the

latest Star Wars movie franchise,

from which we can make over

a million dollars in ransom cash.

Otherwise

Hello, again. Oh, Christ.

Ray! ♪

You need to get rid of him.

Take him on the freeway again? No.

I mean get rid of him for good.

Like, permanently.

You really are a couple

of soppy pricks. Shut up.

So you want me to You know what?

I'll deal with this myself.

Ah, sh*t.

Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba ba-ba

Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba.