Taylor Tomlinson: Prodigal Daughter (2026)

[bunniefuu]

[vibrant, jazzy piano music playing]

[chorus singing "Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!

(A Man After Midnight)"]

There's not a soul out there

No one to hear my prayer

Gimme, gimme, gimme

A man after midnight

Won't somebody help me

Chase the shadows away?

[music trails off]

[Taylor] Thank you for coming to this.

You did not have to.

AI's getting pretty good.

It is getting way too good.

I don't trust it.

My iPhone started capitalizing

the G in "God" again without asking me.

Happen to anyone else?

I don't know which update,

but my iPhone's like,

"Did you mean 'King of Kings'?"

The robots are coming,

and they love the Lord.

Are you guys worried about the robots?

You concerned? Yeah.

Have you looked

at the people in your life,

your friends, your family,

and then back at yourself and gone,

"Uh-oh."

"I'm gonna be the one

who falls in love with a robot."

Have you been honest?

It's okay. It's gonna be me.

That's why I don't use ChatGPT.

I'm not ready for a relationship.

I'm holding strong now,

but in a few years when robot partners

are available at Best Buy,

yeah, it's gonna be me,

drunk at the dinner party,

defending my robot husband

to all my friends like,

"Oh, I'm sorry.

What even is a 'soul,' you guys?"

"Can you define it?

That's what I thought."

"Also, I've met

your lame-a*s husband, Chelsea."

"Don't try to tell me

you don't plug his a*s in at night."

"Okay?"

"'Oh, it's the CPAP machine. He'll die.'"

"Whatever. His stories are long, okay?"

"Now, show some respect."

"He's not an air fryer.

He's the love of my life."

"Look him in the eyes."

"His pronouns are not 'it/that.'"

"Yours are 'b*tch/b*tch,' all right?"

"They are different. One is all caps."

I like the idea of a robot partner

'cause I think

I'm less likely to f*ck that up.

I said "less."

No, you're right. I'll still find ways

to be shitty and jealous of a robot.

Like, "Why are you

always by the dishwasher?"

"Is her rack bigger than mine?"

"Does she get wetter than me?"

"Is it 'cause she makes bubbles?

I can make bubbles."

"I'll get an infection,

but if you need bubbles, like"

I used to be a toxic girlfriend.

I've worked on it a lot

in therapy over the years.

I was a nightmare in my twenties.

I was dating a guy once.

We were on the couch one night.

We weren't fighting.

I thought that was weird,

so I turned to him

and I said, "Hey, babe,

if you found out that we were cousins

would you break up with me?"

And he goes,

"Yes!"

And I was like, "Whoa, fast."

"No follow-up questions.

You're just out like that?"

He goes, "It's ill*gal, Taylor."

I'm like, "So are mushrooms,

and we did those."

"Now you're this law-abiding citizen

just 'cause we're cousins?"

He goes, "You're so wrong about this.

Ask anyone we know."

So I texted the three happiest couples

in my phone, and I said,

"If you found out you're cousins,

you didn't know when you met,

haven't known this whole time,

have the same relationship you always had,

but whoops, you're cousins,

would you break up?"

And they all wrote back,

"Do we have to tell anybody?"

I showed him my phone, and I said,

"That's what love looks like."

Quick poll

If you found out

your partner was your cousin,

clap if you'd break up with them.

[moderate applause]

Okay, that's a lot of people.

No, don't discuss.

Fight in the car. Fight in the car.

Okay, now, if you found out

your partner was a robot,

clap if you'd break up with them.

[scattered applause]

Oh, interesting.

Bit of a drop-off over here.

Some of us clapped for cousin

and not for robot.

Okay, so we're going to

abandon our family

but we'll keep f*cking the toaster.

Okay, that makes sense.

I really was triggered

by the capital-G "God" in my phone

because I have religious trauma.

Anybody else?

[audience whooping]

Thought you might.

Religious trauma means

you grew up in church,

you're not religious anymore,

but now anytime you feel good,

you feel kinda bad about it.

Like, have you ever had a dip

in the middle of an orgasm? Like

[panting]

[low grunt, pants]

That dip is Jesus

spraying you in the face

with a water bottle.

That's why I don't say "Oh God"

during sex.

He's like Beetlejuice. He'll show up.

To be clear, I'm not an atheist,

I just don't know what happens.

Neither do you.

Spoiler alert, nobody knows.

I've never related to the certainty

so many Christians feel

where they're like, "I just know."

"But how do you know there's a God?"

"I just know."

The only time

I've ever just known something,

it was that I had diarrhea.

That's the only time.

The only time I've ever been like

[softly] Oh.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And I did start praying.

I resent both sides equally.

I hate when people are like,

"No God, just darkness, f*ck you."

Hate when people are like, "There's a God.

Here's his address. He loves me best."

I just hate confidence.

That's really what it is.

I cannot stand it

when people are too confident.

I have one very confident friend.

That's it.

That's all I can handle in my life.

One friend, so confident.

You know that hot girl in eighth grade

who always came into class late

with a Frappuccino, and you're like,

"We get it. Your mom had you on purpose."

She's like that.

So I can only see her

every, like, six to eight months.

We got lunch a couple months ago.

Our food comes to the table.

She immediately sends her food

back to the kitchen.

Did you know you could do that

outside of a film?

She did it in real life.

I go, "What was wrong with it?"

She goes, "There was a hair in it."

One hair.

There would have to be

a toupee on my lasagna.

Even then, I'd be like, "So sorry."

"I should have asked for this

without toupee."

"I No, I understand it's a garnish."

"It's just sort of triggering

in this political climate, but"

"But I understand. It looks very natural.

Thank you, chef. I'll pick around it."

I don't think

I'm smarter than religious people.

I hate it when atheists talk down

to anyone who believes in God.

I've believed a lot of stupid sh*t

in my life.

God's not even top three, okay?

I've believed tall guys.

"He plays guitar, he must be nice."

I'm dumb, all right?

When my religious

family members talk about God,

like, "God got me through

the hardest years of my life,"

I'm like, "sh*t.

That's how I talk about Gilmore Girls."

Like, I'm an idiot.

And I capitalize those Gs.

I make sure every time.

That's right. Yeah.

I have a lot of Christians in my life,

a lot of people praying for me,

which I try not to take personally.

You ever have someone say

they're praying for you,

and you don't know

what they're referring to?

"Hey, I wanna let you know

I'm praying for you."

"What?"

"I'm not sick."

"Yeah? Well, I'm praying for you.

What do you think about that, Bev?"

"Heard you need it, b*tch."

She's like, "God's been

putting you on my heart lately."

"Tell God to scrape me off your heart

because I'm doing awesome, okay?"

"I don't know what you heard

in the church parking lot,

but that was a family matter, Bev."

"I'm gonna tint the van windows."

I have a lot of cool Christians

in my life.

Cool Christians love to let you know

they're cool.

They do. They love to,

like, swear in front of you.

They're like, "Look, I understand why you

have doubts. I get it. I watch the news."

"sh*t is f*cked up."

Then they look at you

like they did a trick on a skateboard.

I have an uncle who's a pastor.

Really cool guy.

He's very humble, down to earth.

Not one of these megachurch douchebags

who wears expensive sneakers

and, like, writes a book

with his face on it.

Every time I see a pastor

on a book tour, I'm like, "Hey, man."

"Weren't you already

promoting a book? Like"

"I don't know I just"

"How many bestsellers do you need, Joel?"

My uncle's cool. The only person

who understands what I do for work.

He and I have similar jobs.

We're both out here on the weekends,

changing lives. Yeah.

No, he hates it when I say that.

He hates it so much.

I'm always trying to talk shop with him.

I'm like, "Hey, Jim.

How was your early show?"

"You know it's first service, Taylor."

I'm like, "I just noticed

you had a heckler on the late one."

He goes, "That person was yelling 'Amen'

and 'Hallelujah' to agree."

"Worst kind of heckler, Jim,

because they're being supportive,

but they're still disrupting

your flow, right?"

I go, "You know,

I donate 10% of what I make too."

He's like, "To who?"

"My agent, but it's still a tithe."

I'm like, "I'm kidding, Jim.

I know we don't do the same thing."

"But think about this."

"I make them feel guilty Saturday night."

"You save their a*s Sunday morning."

"I set them up, you spike the ball."

"You're welcome!"

"I helped."

But my uncle Jim's a great pastor.

He's very progressive.

He gives really interesting sermons.

We didn't have a pastor

like Uncle Jim growing up.

We had a basic-a*s pastor

who stuck to three topics.

He had three messages.

"You are forgiven."

"Marriage is hard."

"Merry Christmas."

Like, those were the three.

I do feel for pastors

on Christmas and Easter,

'cause those are

big weeks at church, right?

Those are recruitment weeks.

That's when everybody

comes out of the woodwork.

That's when the decaf Christians swing by.

You only see

those m*therf*ckers twice a year,

and you gotta blow their minds

so hard with the extras

that they upgrade

their subscription to weekly.

That's a lot of pressure.

And as the pastor on Christmas

and Easter, you can't get creative.

You can't get weird with it.

Can't do an acoustic set.

You gotta play the hits.

You got to tell the stories, right?

Easter's a better story than Christmas.

Easter is the crucifixion

and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

It's where all of our merch is from.

You've seen it.

You've seen it.

Dead guy up there, but tasteful.

Somehow very tasteful.

Makes you think about your own death.

Like, "Hope I die in a way

that looks good on jewelry, right?"

When Grandma died,

were you like, "Slap her on an anklet"?

No, he's really doing it up there.

I'll stop doing it. We're all familiar.

But Easter's a great story.

There's a lot of action, right?

It's the crucifixion, the resurrection.

It's Jesus in his prime,

early thirties, ripped.

Betrayed him, k*lled him, he's back.

It's basically Twilight.

It's a sexy, sexy story.

I'm kidding. Twilight belongs to Mormons.

Don't take that from them, okay?

They can't have caffeine.

They need something to wake 'em up.

Christmas is not as good a story.

It's just not.

The birth of Jesus.

It starts off strong, right?

An angel comes

down from heaven, tells Mary,

"I know you're a virgin,

but you're pregnant with the son of God."

Oh sh*t. And then the angel

has to go tell her boyfriend, Joseph,

'cause "Believe women"

wasn't really a thing back then.

So the angel's like,

"It's God in there. I promise."

And then what? Then the angel leaves.

Then it's just a long walk to a barn.

That's most of Christmas,

just this right here.

Jesus is barely in it.

He comes in right at the end.

He does zero magic.

It sucks.

Jesus is basically

the post-credit scene in a Marvel movie.

It's trash.

Sucks.

One year, our pastor tried

to spice up the Christmas story.

He came out and goes

Thought he found a new angle, right?

He comes out, he goes, "You know,

we always kind of rush through

the Christmas story, don't we?"

"Since we all know it so well."

"But if you ever really stop to think

about what this must've been like

for Mary"

And all the women were like

[emotionally] "Oh!"

And all the men were like,

[flatly] "No!"

"Which one's Mary again?

You talking about the vessel?"

"You talking about

the hole we put the Lord in?"

"You talking about the Jesus jar?"

"You talking about the Christ cubby?"

"You talking about the savior sack?"

"You talking about the prophet pocket?"

We could keep going,

but we have to move on.

But that's a fun game to play to come down

from the cousin fight, if you want.

That Mary POV sermon

went over so well for him

that he came out the next year

all excited.

"Last year, we talked about

what it must've been like for Mary

to find out she was pregnant with Jesus."

"But have you ever stopped to think about

what this must've been like for Joseph?"

And all the men were like,

"Finally! Representation!"

"I also think wh*res are lying to me!"

Joseph was Mary's betrothed at the time.

I don't wanna assume

everybody knows the Bible stories.

Grow up in church, you're like,

"Everybody's learning these."

Nope. Some kids were

having childhoods, on their bikes.

Yeah.

Anyone in here who never went to church,

never believed in God,

never been religious at all?

[scattered whooping]

Wow, all in the back.

That checks out. That checks out.

Well, you sound very at peace.

You sound so relaxed,

but how do you know right from wrong?

How do you not k*ll people? How do you

Some Christians talk like that.

My dad, growing up, was like,

"If I weren't a Christian,

I'd be in jail."

And I'm like, "Whoa, I'm six."

"Let's do Goodnight Moon tomorrow

instead of Dad's dark thoughts."

Some Christians walk around like, "Yeah.

If Sky Dad didn't have me on house arrest,

there'd be some mud on my boots."

And you're like,

"Cool. Let's only hang out in groups."

But if you didn't grow up in church,

you might not know any Bible stories.

I won't put you on the spot.

I used to, learned my lesson.

One time I asked someone,

and they panicked and went, "VeggieTales."

Which, hey, close enough,

but it did make me laugh real hard.

Just, "Who betrayed Jesus?"

"Bob the Tomato!"

I remember, he bounced in,

like, "You're gonna die, Jesus."

I'm kidding. They didn't.

No, they didn't do the crucifixion

on VeggieTales.

They wouldn't do that.

That's That's crazy. That's way too dark.

Also, no arms, so who's gonna, you know

Who's gonna do the finale?

What are they gonna do,

put baby carrots on Larry?

That's insane. We can't do that.

I assume, even if you didn't

grow up religious, you know Noah's ark.

Most people know that. That's our big one.

It's on the cover

of all of our coloring books.

Yeah. It really is a testament

to how f*cked up the Bible is

that we read Noah's ark and we're like,

"That's the kids' story."

That story is dark as hell.

It's about God drowning all his kids

'cause they were being annoying.

And we're like, "Yeah.

That should be the mural in the nursery."

"Come here, little buddy.

These are the animals he didn't drown."

"What a lucky horsey

that got to go

on the boat with one friend."

It's the rainbow.

I think they think the rainbow saves it.

God sent Noah, who probably

had some trust issues at that point,

the rainbow as a promise

to never flood the earth again,

which I think is

the darkest part of the story.

Rainbow after a destructive flood.

That's like buying someone a ring

after you push 'em down the stairs.

That's crazy.

Every time I see a rainbow,

I don't think of g*y rights.

I don't even think of rain.

I think of God going,

"I mean, I didn't k*ll everybody."

Some people don't even realize

Noah's ark's from the Bible.

I've asked people,

"Know any Bible stories?"

"Not one." I go, "What about Noah?"

They're like, "I know that one."

Like, that's how much Bible stories

have, like, infiltrated pop culture.

I have a friend who said

they knew Prodigal Son.

I go, "You know the story?"

They're like, "No, I think

there was like a show or something."

"I've heard the term," right?

If you don't know the prodigal son,

it's a story that Jesus teaches,

tells in the Bible

to teach a lesson, right?

So in the story,

there's a rich dad, and he's got two sons.

The older son does everything right

because he's the oldest.

And the younger son is like,

"I want my money now."

The dad's like, "Okay.

Not how inheritance works."

"I'm fully alive, but here you go."

So he gives the younger son his money.

Then this piece of sh*t f*ck right off.

Did I mention I'm the oldest of four?

This piece of sh*t f*ck right off.

How do they put it?

"Squanders his wealth on wild living,"

which is Bible for "blows it all

on Bitcoin and lap dances."

He then has the audacity to come back

years later, like, "Sorry, Dad."

"I lost all your money.

I suck. Can I come back?"

And the older son was probably like,

"Yeah, finally. Finish him."

And the dad goes,

"My baby's home!"

"Oh my God, let's throw him a big party."

I know all the oldest kids in here,

we all have diarrhea right now.

I know every oldest kid in here,

your as*h*le went all the way

inside your body, you're so upset.

Remember, people from the Bible

can't hurt you.

They've been dead a long time, okay?

We're almost done.

So the older son is obviously pissed.

He's like, "Dad,

I've done everything right my whole life,

and you've never even thrown me

a small party."

Look it up. He says that.

And the dad is like, "Yeah, you're great."

"Love you."

"But your brother,

he was lost, and now he's found."

"So we celebrate."

And if you ask a pastor

what that story is about,

they'll tell you it's about

how you can live in sin

and lose your way spiritually,

but you can return to the Lord

and he'll forgive you.

And if you ask me

what that story is about,

I will tell you that it is about

how Jesus was an only child.

Because I grew up in church,

I see Bible stories everywhere.

Like, here's some fun ones.

What about the 200 foreskins story?

Do you know that one? No? Yeah?

That's a deep cut.

So

David wanted to marry Saul's daughter.

Saul's like, "You can if you bring me

the foreskins of 100 of my enemies,"

which, like, whoa, Scorpio, am I right?

Who has 100 enemies

and is thinking about their foreskins?

Like, someone was born in deep November.

So Saul's like,

"Get me 100 foreskins, and we'll talk."

So David goes out,

comes back with 200 foreskins,

and that's where the phrase

"If he wanted to,

he would, ladies" comes from.

Yeah. That's not from TikTok.

That's from the Bible.

What about, uh What about Job?

Have we heard of Job?

Job. Got some Job heads in the house.

Job was this guy in the Bible.

He loved God so much.

One day God and Satan are talking.

They don't get into why,

but sometimes you call your ex,

and everyone's like,

"What are you doing?" Right?

So God and Satan are kicking it

for some reason.

And Satan goes, "Hey, God.

I noticed that Job loves you a lot."

And God's like, "Yeah."

And Satan's like,

"I bet he wouldn't love you as much

if I f*cked with him enough."

And God's like

"Okay, I'm bored. Let's see what you got."

So Satan goes out,

and he ruins Job's life,

but Job never forsakes God.

And that is

what How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

is based off of.

Matthew McConaughey is Job.

Kate Hudson is Satan.

Is there anyone in here

who grew up religious

but is not religious anymore?

[enthusiastic cheering]

You're at the right show.

Of those people, who saved people?

Who spread the good news

while they were religious?

-[scattered applause]

-Bit of a drop-off there.

That's tough.

A lot of us didn't do the homework.

You saved people,

but you're not religious anymore?

Okay, do you ever feel

Serious question.

Do you ever feel like maybe you should,

like, call those people?

Just a courtesy call.

"Remember what I told you about forever?

Ah, I don't know."

What if those people get to heaven

and they're like,

"Look, your sponsor's not in there,

so we didn't know you were coming."

"I dunno. Are you sure?"

"Maybe they holy ghosted you."

"Ha! We're sorry."

"For real, though, you gotta go to hell.

Sorry about that."

I never saved anybody at all.

Talking to someone who grew up Mormon,

I was like, "You guys were saving people."

And he was like,

"Oh yeah, baptism for the dead."

You guys know what that is? I didn't know.

Apparently, in Mormonism,

sometimes they will save people

after they've died,

which really takes the pressure off

of saving live people, doesn't it?

When you can go, "Do you believe in God?"

And they're like, "No."

You're like, "That's okay. We'll wait."

Soon as they're dead, you're like,

"Bibbidi-bobbidi-Mormon!"

This is how you get a soul to heaven,

right?

Like you're trying to get poop smell

out of your Hinge date's bathroom.

If you're not laughing, you're married,

and f*ck you, this joke's not for you.

Enjoy sh1tting with the door open.

Some of us have to carry matches.

Everywhere!

My biggest issue with church wasn't

that they wanted us to save people.

It's that they wouldn't

let you make a good point, right?

Growing up in church,

you were like, "You have to admit,

it was pretty messed up

when God did this in the Bible."

They'd be like,

"That was the Old Testament."

"That was before God stopped drinking."

"Like, that was a different God."

"He's kind of a f*ck boy back there."

"He had a kid,

and he's like, 'I'm different.'"

"You know, he's like,

'I was in a fraternity.'"

"'Of course I was drowning people.'"

"Like, people change."

Any unanswerable question at church,

they always said the same thing.

They'd go, "That's a great question,

and we can ask God that

when we get to heaven."

Which, like, if you were God,

how pissed would you be

that they were sending people up like that

with questions for you?

You're God. You made everything, everyone.

You just want to do

the "Ta-da, heaven" part.

And now every time someone dies,

you have to do a

press conference?

Every time someone dies,

you're like, "Hey, welcome to heaven."

They're like, "But first, when a kid dies,

and they didn't get saved,

that's automatic heaven?"

"You wouldn't send a kid to hell,

right, God? Right, God?"

And God's like, "f*cking What"

"Seriously, dude?

You're in heaven, b*tch."

"Do you go to Disneyland like,

'Hope all the workers get benefits'?"

"Like, shut up!"

"You are a killjoy."

"Yes, the kids are in heaven."

"We muted the kids

so we could all enjoy heaven, but yes."

That's a dark one.

I know. That's a dark one.

I have a dark sense of humor,

partially 'cause I grew up in church.

Church is a dark place.

Every Sunday you go to a big room

where the underlying message is,

"Won't it be great

when we all get to be dead with Daddy?"

That's church.

"Can't wait to be dead with Dada."

That's church.

But I can't blame church entirely.

I also I had a parent die really young.

So my siblings and I

all have really dark senses of humor.

I was talking

to my sibling Brinn recently.

You know how you

and your siblings remember

different parts of your childhood?

So sometimes you get together,

and you're like, "Here's what I remember."

"What have you got?"

"Okay, let's put this all out on the table

and figure out

what the f*ck happened to us back there."

So we were having a puzzle day at home.

And I said,

"Do you remember that hospice

grief support group we got sent to

for kids whose parents

had died of cancer?"

And Brinn goes, "Oh yeah."

"Do you remember how

not everybody's parents were dead yet?"

Yes, some of them still had active

I'm just saying, feels like

they could've put us in different rooms.

Maybe do a "shirts and skins" situation.

But they were like, "Christmas present,

Christmas future, discuss."

"Something's comin' round the mountain."

"You know what it is."

That's not what I remembered.

What I remembered

is there was one kid in there

whose parent hadn't died.

His uncle had died.

And, um look.

I don't wanna be a b*tch,

but, like, our mom was dead.

And it just kinda feels like

paper covers uncle.

You know what I mean? Like

I'm just saying, this kid had parents.

He wasn't Spider-Man. Like

Some losses affect

who you are for the rest of your life,

and some are your uncle.

Like, what are we

When you have a parent die young,

you think about death

more than other people.

I certainly do.

I tend to jump

to the worst possible scenario.

I catastrophize constantly,

much to the detriment

of many of my relationships.

I was dating a guy once and I said,

"Hey, babe, when you don't hear back

from me for a few hours,

do you get scared that

something bad might've happened to me?"

And he goes, "No."

"I get scared you're mad at me."

Men would rather you be dead

than mad at them.

Men would rather be

in mourning than in trouble.

That's the truth.

If a guy misses five calls

from his wife, he's like,

"Hope this is

the paramedic who found her."

I also wish that joke didn't work.

You know what's so funny to me

about men who k*ll their wives?

Wait. Well, just wait.

What's so funny to me

about men who k*ll their wives is

they think they're gonna get away with it.

And it's like, "Dude."

"You've never planned a g*dd*mn thing

in your whole life."

"You've never made a dinner reservation,

and now you're gonna hide a body?"

"This is quite the maiden voyage

for event planning, dude."

"Maybe start with a potluck."

I do think I spent a lot of my life

being really scared of death.

You know, anytime I wasn't

actively yearning for it, of course.

Oh good, some depression in the room.

Thank God.

I did that joke in Sweden,

they just stared at me.

They were like,

"Sad for no reason? But how?"

They didn't get it.

A lot of this hour, Europe didn't get.

They were like, "God? We have healthcare."

"They give you God instead of healthcare?"

"That doesn't seem like the same thing."

If you have depression, you have

a complicated relationship with death.

You sort of look at death

like it's the Phantom of the Opera.

Most of the time you're like,

"That's scary."

But then sometimes you're like, "I mean,

that side of his face is kind of hot."

"Hear me out.

I could live underground. I don't know."

This section is sad.

I've been trying to face my fear of death

this past year.

I wrote a will because a lot of my friends

were getting married,

and I was like,

"I want to sign a scary document."

Learned so much. If you don't have a will,

you gotta write one with a professional.

That panicked note you write

on your phone during turbulence

will not hold up in court.

They taught me that.

I thought for sure that was fine. Nope.

Here's what I learned.

I did not know this.

If you die unexpectedly,

your closest living relatives

are your parents,

not your siblings, which is

what I thought 'cause I'm dumb.

So if you die unexpectedly, your parents

will inherit everything you own

unless you disinherit them in writing,

like the petty b*tch you are, right?

I know some of you are sitting there

right now going, "Well, whatever."

"I don't have a good relationship

with my parents,

but I don't really have anything

for them to inherit."

Do you have a TV?

Do you think your shitty dad

deserves an extra TV?

Think your death should feel like

winning The Price Is Right for him?

f*ck that. Call a lawyer.

I had to make a lot of decisions

when I wrote my will.

Choose who was gonna pull the plug

if I'm in a coma.

I picked my sibling Brinn.

They are gonna inherit my money if I die.

And I was like, "Earn it, dude," right?

I go, "You decide when that money drops."

They were like, "Okay,

if you're in a coma, not responding,

what do you want me to do?

How long do you want me to wait?"

I was like, "Here's what to do.

Start Parks and Rec from the beginning,

and I want you to keep it playing

all day, all night in my hospital room."

"If we get to the end of that show

and I have not woken up yet,

start The Office."

"And then when Steve Carell leaves,

just k*ll me."

"Do not make me watch Andy be manager.

Don't do that to me again."

"Don't do that."

I had to decide what I want to happen

to my remains when I'm gone.

Have you decided what you want

to happen to your bodies?

-What are we going to do?

-[audience member 1] A tree pod!

A tree pod? Yeah, that's nice.

I like that you say "tree pod."

Once in a while, you get a girl,

like, "I'm gonna be a tree!"

And you have to explain to her,

"You don't get to be the tree."

"You're tree food. You're helping."

"You're sort of like

a pageant mom to the tree."

"Like, 'Go, baby, go.'"

"'Be what I cannot,' right?"

-Tree pod's great. What else?

-[audience member 2] Donating to science!

Someone said What?

-Donating to science!

-Donating to science.

What part of science?

What area of science are we thinking?

-[audience member 2] Medical school.

-You have a medical school picked out.

Not a specific area of science?

Not like, "Keep it all above the neck"

I'm just saying,

do we trust a bunch of college kids

with our dead bodies?

Do we feel like,

"Here's a dead mess of holes."

"You decide what science is"?

I'm not sure about that.

I'd just leave specific instructions.

That's my only thing.

Is anyone getting cremated?

Yeah? Okay. I hope you have a plan

for where you want those ashes spread.

Sometimes people go, "I don't know,"

and it's like, you are gonna end up

somewhere weird if you don't.

Your ashes are gonna end up in, like,

the cupholder in your driver's side door.

That weird one

where every six months you're like,

"Was that an oat milk latte once?"

Like, that's

The best answer I got recently,

a guy yelled out, "Viking funeral."

Yeah. Some guy in the crowd

just yelled out, "Viking funeral!"

And I was like, "Okay,

I mean, that's cool if you want that."

"Hope you have a niece or nephew

you're sending to summer camp

that can make that shot."

'Cause that's a hard shot to make.

The boat gets smaller and smaller

the further away it gets.

And if they miss,

that's not a Viking funeral anymore.

That's just a dead guy in a boat.

And that is not as festive, is it?

That's Stand By Me 2.

I'd like to be cremated, personally,

because I like that you can inconvenience

your family after you're gone.

That's fun for me.

'Cause who's going to say no

to taking your ashes home, first off?

Like, "Oh, I couldn't possibly.

There's no room at my house."

"We're full up on haunted cups."

Like, "Nice try. Take me home.

I'm so small," right?

Then if you want your family

to spread you somewhere,

depending on how you feel

about your family,

that's where you send them, right?

If you love your family, you're like,

"I'd like you to spread me in Hawaii

over seven days of PTO.

That's what I'd like."

"Love you guys, miss you."

If you don't like your family,

you can be like,

"Have you been to Toledo?"

"In January?"

"Actually, no, no, I want you to do it

right between Christmas and New Year's."

My mom was cremated.

And after my mom died,

my dad got remarried.

And when my dad got remarried,

he gave my mom's ashes to my grandma,

because return to sender, I guess.

You're right. I am so sorry.

Return to manufacturer. That's what it is.

His reasoning was He was like,

"Look, I'm getting remarried,

and I just I can't take these

into another woman's home."

And as his daughter, I was like,

"Yes, you can."

But as an adult woman now,

I'm like, "Oh no, you can't."

I've dated straight men. I don't like

when they follow their exes on Instagram.

You're telling me if he brought

a little baggie of her bones inside

and was like,

"This lives under the TV forever,"

I'd be like, "Cool, love that there"?

No, I'd be passive-aggressive at best.

I would probably

flush a teaspoon of her every day. Just

Until one day he picked it up

and was like, "The urn feels lighter."

I'm like, "Maybe she lost weight."

"Uh, not you body-shaming the urn, babe."

Know what's funny about that joke?

I don't even feel that way anymore.

A younger version of me felt that way.

When you're single in your thirties,

you don't care about so much.

You kind of just want someone

who's not going to bug you.

That's really In my twenties,

I was so insecure, so toxic.

I was like, "I need to be

someone's first and only true love,

their one and only wife."

"I need to be with someone

who does not watch p*rn*graphy."

Now I'm like, "Jerk off to your dead wife

if you want, I don't care."

"You wanna put her bones under the TV?"

"Is the TV playing my show?"

"Then that's great."

"You put as many b*tches

up there as you want."

"We'll watch Love is Blind as a family."

I told my buddy Dustin that, and he goes,

"What if you married a guy

who was still in love with his dead wife?"

And I was like,

"She's not coming back. What do I"

"That's his thing to deal with."

"Lock yourself in the bathroom,

smell her shirts, cry it out,

but we're going to Chili's at 5:00."

"And the coupon's for two, not three."

"So get it all out of your system, babe."

"Hell, jerk off into the urn if you want."

"When life gives you lemons,

make cement or whatever. It's"

It's romantic!

She can swallow one last time.

Shame on you for laughing at that.

I do think my fear of death

has propelled me professionally.

It's made me sort of a workaholic,

probably.

I was doing two full-time jobs

for the last couple of years.

Touring, doing stand-up on weekends,

then I was hosting a late-night show

called After Midnight during the week.

-[cheering]

-Thank you.

Thank you, that's very nice.

Great experience, learned so much,

worked with great people.

I had an assistant on set,

which I initially did not want.

It is a slippery slope, having someone

whose whole job is to fetch you snacks.

Day one, you're like,

"Could I borrow a phone charger?"

Next, "Could I just grab a LaCroix?"

Before you know it,

you're like, "Could you just hold

both my hands until I fall asleep?"

My assistant's name was Molly.

Molly was incredible.

Molly was so good at her job,

I'm definitely gonna die alone now,

because the standard of care

in relationships

is now Molly, all right?

Here's how good Molly was.

My first day on the Paramount lot,

I drive into the lot,

I park in a reserved spot for me,

and there's a big bush sort of growing in

to the driver's side door, right?

Nothing crazy. Just enough to make it

kind of hard to shimmy out, right?

A few bees buzzing around,

so I kind of did [grunts]

One of those before I was like,

"Nice to meet you, Molly."

That's all that happened.

I didn't complain about the bush.

I didn't report the bush to anyone.

Molly just witnessed the bush

touch me a little.

I drive onto the lot the next day,

park in my spot,

and the bush was gone.

And I went, "Molly,

did you have them cut down this bush?"

And she goes, "Yep,

and I had them spray for bees."

Yeah. And I went, "Okay."

"No one f*ck with Molly."

I She had that bush whacked, literally.

I I couldn't talk casual sh*t around her.

I didn't know what she would do.

I couldn't come in on a Tuesday like,

"Dave's kinda bugging me today,"

'cause I'd come in Wednesday like,

"Hey, where's Dave?"

"He's with the bees, Taylor."

"You flinched in his presence,

so I took care of it."

First time I'd ever had a corporate job,

so I got HR training.

Never had that before.

There's no HR in stand-up comedy.

It's the opposite, in fact.

Like, "Are you harassing people?

Great job, start a podcast."

It was fun, that HR training.

I learned a lot.

Did you know we're allowed

to f*ck people at work? Did you know that?

Well, people from work.

You gotta take them somewhere else.

But I thought everyone at work

was off-limits romantically.

Not according to Jill from HR.

She's like, "No, you can date,

just tell us if you are."

I go, "Because then

you'll tell our higher-up bosses."

And then she goes, "No,

you just have to tell us." And I was like,

who are these sick little freaks in HR

who are like,

"No, you can f*ck each other,

you just have to tell us everything"?

"Was it good?

Do you have photos for the PowerPoint?"

That PowerPoint was fun, where they go

through different scenarios, ask you,

"Appropriate or inappropriate?"

Spoiler alert, they're all inappropriate.

I didn't know.

I thought they were supposed to inspire

conversation and debate.

No, they're all a clear thumbs down

if you know what you're doing.

I had my own private HR training.

Probably because they knew

I was the weakest link on set.

They did it during hair and makeup.

It was me, Deb, and Havana,

who did my hair and makeup for the show.

Jill's going through

the different scenarios.

She goes, "All right,

scenario number one."

"Kyle tells Sharon on her birthday,

'Doesn't matter how old you get,

I would still be down,'

and he winks at her."

"Is that appropriate?"

And we were like,

"Do you have a picture of Kyle?"

"Is it the next slide?

How tall is Kyle? What's he smell like?"

"What's he working with?

How old's Sharon? Is she ovulating?"

"We don't have enough information

to answer the prompts, Jill."

My favorite thing about

being on a network TV show

is that they'd bleep all the bad words

and cut some of the more raunchy stuff,

which means my religious grandparents

could watch the show

and it wouldn't hurt their ears

as much as my stand-up does.

Not to say that my grandparents

aren't supportive. They really are.

Uh, I think that they're doing

a really good job

trying to understand where their liberal,

agnostic grandkids are coming from.

I can't stand it when people are

too hard on their grandparents.

If your grandparents are

trying to understand you,

give them some grace

if they mess up, terms-wise.

When people are like, "My grandma

cannot remember my pronouns,"

I'm like,

"Does your grandma remember her address?"

Grandma's got bigger fish to fry.

The light is coming.

Also, do you know how old your grandma is?

I don't. Mine's been 62 for 40 years.

Also, you're taking more pictures

of your grandparents than ever before,

and they've gotta know why,

and that can't feel good.

My grandparents were

the best example I have in my life

of Christianity done right.

They're very loving,

forgiving, nonjudgmental people.

My siblings and I are agnostic.

We didn't grow up with that Christianity.

We grew up in our scary Christian house.

When you grow up with something

that hurts you as a kid,

you don't really want it in your

Barbie dream house as a grown-up, right?

I also don't wear belts

or use wooden spoons.

That's not a coincidence, okay?

Oh, thank God,

we were all lightly abused. I

Again, did that joke in Sweden,

thought they were gonna call somebody.

It was

I There is nothing worse than admitting

to a room full of people that you got hit

when they got tucked in at night.

It is humiliating.

I don't keep anything in my house

that hurt me as a kid.

No Bibles, no belts,

no Bridge to Terabithia.

I'm hoping the author sees this

and writes me a personalized apology.

I do think that when you grow up

in a scary, religious environment,

you spend a lot of your young adulthood

untangling who you are

from who they wanted you to be.

Like, I just came out as q*eer

in the last couple of years, and

-[cheering]

-Oh, thank you.

Thank you. That's

That's really nice of you,

because let me tell you,

coming out as bisexual at 30

feels like saying to a waiter,

"By the way, it's my birthday."

They're like, "Cool, sing to yourself.

You're a grown woman."

You're like, "Excuse me,

I was very brave. I just came out."

They're like, "Yeah,

but the coast was clear, wasn't it, babe?"

I would've come out sooner,

but I have three younger siblings,

they're all q*eer,

and they kept coming out.

They just kept popping out

like little groundhogs.

Every time another popped out,

I was like, "Well, that's six more months

of heterosexuality for me, I guess."

I was also hesitant

to come out as bisexual

because there's a stigma around it.

When you say you're bisexual, a lot of

people assume that you are good at sex,

and I'm not, guys.

And I refuse to get better, all right?

I'm not learning any more tricks, okay?

I turned 30, I was like, "Shut it down."

As Jesus said, "It is finished."

I'm hitting "Save progress."

I'm gonna die on this level.

But I didn't wanna tarnish

the brand of bisexuality.

I didn't wanna bring down the team.

I have so many q*eer friends who are

so open and free with their sexualities.

It's like, it's so fun.

I have so many, like,

Samanthas in my friend group,

and they're so fun and inspiring,

but I also think we need

some g*y prude representation as well.

I think we need more g*y prudes

to stand up and go,

"I too am bisexual.

I'm attracted to all of you,

and I trust no one."

"I would, but I will not."

It's also scary to say you're bisexual

for the same reason

it's scary to say you're suicidal.

There's always people like, "If you don't

go all the way, you just want attention."

I know.

Know who likes that joke? q*eer people.

q*eer people get that joke.

Straight people are like, "Oh my God,

there were so many sad words."

Which is fair, you're right.

No offense, straight guys.

I have to say, I am so glad that straight

men are not my only option anymore.

That was bleak. That was tough.

And it's not because you're bad people,

you're just so hard to communicate with.

I mean And I tried.

I've been to couples therapy

with a lot of dudes. Never been married.

That's embarrassing.

Know how embarrassing it is

to break up with someone

you've been to couples therapy with?

You live the rest of your life

with useless information

about some dude's childhood.

You're like, "Cool, guess I'll just

go the rest of my days

knowing what triggers Michael.

That sucks."

I also couldn't get on the same page with

a lot of my boyfriends about our future.

Like, I used to only want to adopt

if I was gonna have kids.

Every straight guy I dated was like,

"No, it's gonna look like me,

or I'll eat it."

Every guy.

Which, hey, I've never been a father,

maybe that's true, right?

I had one boyfriend

who said he'd use a surrogate.

He was open to that idea, which

I do love the idea of a surrogate.

What a power move.

"Can you hold this for nine months?"

"I'm I'm so busy.

I'm getting a call. Don't eat fish."

You breeze back in nine months later,

their guts are everywhere,

you have a blowout.

You're like, "Thank you so much."

"Thank you."

"Hey, hey, you're glowing. You're brave.

Money's on the nightstand. Five stars."

"Bye!"

You're like, "That was a lot."

"I'm gonna do

no-contact delivery next time."

"You're in the right place."

"Leave it on the porch, take a picture.

I'll get it when you're gone."

"No, you're at the right house."

"Look, if I was an extrovert,

I would have had it myself, so."

I'm not sure if I want kids now.

I go back and forth on

whether or not I want kids so often

that sometimes I just

wanna get my tubes tied

because that feels like

the reproductive equivalent

of pouring water on brownies in the trash.

You know, when you're like,

"I'm gonna want these later."

"But I'm thinking straight now."

"So I'm gonna remove the option."

If you're not laughing, congrats on having

a healthy relationship with food

your whole life.

Do we have any moms in here

that wouldn't mind Oh good.

You're like, "Yes, I am!" I love that.

that wouldn't mind

personal questions about childbirth?

Love it, your hand's still up, love that.

Moms are so cool.

They're like, "Yeah, sure,

I'm an open book."

"Literally. They cracked my spine

on the way out, so."

"I would love to share."

Okay, how many kids do you have?

-[mom] Two.

-Two? Nice. How old are they?

-[mom] 16 and 18.

-16 and 18?

Thank God, they're like full people.

When people have babies, I just freeze up.

I'm like, "Oh, does it walk, talk?"

"Has it opened its eyes, or"

"Has it dried out?

They come out slick, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, got a grip on it."

Okay, you got teenagers.

Did you have your kids

out the main terminal?

I thought that was

a classy way of putting it.

Okay, so I've talked to a lot of women

on this tour who have told me

Because I'm very scared of childbirth,

which makes sense.

I grew up in church, where not even

abstinence could protect you fully, right?

They told you the story of Mary.

They're like, "Yeah, keep your knees

closed, hope God doesn't pick you." Like

It adds a whole other

layer of fear to childbirth.

Childbirth is already terrifying.

What if it's breech? What if it's sick?

What if it's God?

So I'm very scared of childbirth,

and I've talked to a lot of moms

on this tour

who've told me that when you're pushing,

a lot of times your body's like,

"We know what you're looking for."

"Coming right up, ding, ding, ding."

And at some point during the process,

in addition to a baby,

you may also push out

Did you poop? Yeah?

Thank you for being honest.

Thank you so much.

Here's what I've learned,

asking that for the last couple years.

There's only two correct answers

to "Did you poop during childbirth?"

"Yes, I did" and "I do not recall."

"Yes, I did" or none of my business.

Some moms talk about childbirth like

it's a music festival they went to once.

They're like, "I was on a lot of drugs."

"I think your dad was there,

I don't know."

All I remember is I kept yelling,

'Play my song, b*tch!'"

"And they made me leave

before I was ready."

The first time I ever asked someone,

I was at a comedy club in Dallas, Texas.

A woman in the front row goes,

"Three kids, never pooped."

And there was a table of nurses nearby

who were wasted, you guys,

who started scream-laughing at her.

"Everybody poops, every single person,

and if you think you didn't,

then we f*cking lied to you."

And I had to watch

this whole woman's world change.

It was like The Truman Show.

I felt so bad.

I was trying to save the vibe.

"Hey, babe, don't feel bad."

"Even if I, you know, airlift mine out,

I'm gonna poop on that table

just to show them who's boss, right?"

To be clear, when I say that

I came out in the last couple of years,

I just mean publicly, right?

Like, I came out to friends

earlier than that,

but I don't think I did it right.

I was too casual about it.

I think I was supposed to do,

like, an episode of Glee,

and I just sort of mentioned it,

like, "By the way,

I think I'm gonna date women now too,"

and they were like, "Okay."

Like I said I was vegan or something.

Like, "Okay,

we'll see how long that lasts."

"You need iron, b*tch."

Like, they were not

They really accepted it

once I had my first girlfriend.

I started dating this girl who was so hot,

I was like,

"Oh my God, am I Pete Davidson?"

"How tall am I?"

When I started dating women,

it was the closest I'd come

to feeling religious in a long time.

My friends would complain

about their boyfriends and husbands,

and I was like [gasps]

"Have you heard the good news?"

"You don't have to live like this."

"There's a better way."

Once I had a girlfriend, my friends

started coming to me with their questions.

They started coming to me

with their millennial regrets.

Do we have any Gen Z in here tonight?

-[sustained cheering]

-Oh my God, shut up, really?

Okay, everyone be cool

in front of my new friends. All right.

Now, Gen Z, you won't really get this

'cause you are very good at exploring

your identities and sexualities.

You wanna know who you are,

what you're capable of.

You have to understand

about us millennials,

we wake up every day

and look in the mirror like

"Shh."

"Don't feel joy outside."

"You'll upset Mama and Papa."

"Just wait. Be free in death. Wait."

Those are our morning affirmations.

So we're dealing with a lot,

we're repressing a lot.

So I had a lot of female friends in

their thirties and forties who were like,

"I wish I'd dated women,"

but they ended up with a man,

they're happy,

but they're like, "I wish I'd done that."

So they were asking me

a lot of personal questions like,

"Is it better having sex with women?"

I was like,

"You really want me to tell you?"

"Because you said

you were locked in with that guy."

They're like,

"No, is it really different?"

And I was like, "Yeah."

And they were like, "Well, how?"

So here's here's what I said.

I think the biggest difference

between having sex with men and women

is when you're having sex with a woman,

you're there the whole time.

You know?

'Cause you know how with a man,

you can kind of, like

Not in a traumatic way,

just in like, a

"Oh, I'm in the backseat on a road trip,

forgot my headphones,

let's look at clouds."

"Huh? I did, I did, yeah, absolutely."

"Yes. Oh my God, yes, a big one."

"A huge Big. Quiet, but big."

"It's just silent but deadly."

"I love those. Thank you so much."

I've never faked an orgasm

because I think our generation

got enough participation trophies, but

but I don't judge you if you have to.

We've all been there,

when it's going too long.

If you want to fake an orgasm,

here's a little tip from me to you.

Just hold your breath

for as long as you can.

Because then when you're like

[panting for breath]

It'll seem like you came,

when really you just came up for air.

That's how you get rid of

hiccups and Jeremy.

I do like having sex with men sometimes.

I will say,

does anyone like sucking d*ck for real?

Does anyone really

Yeah, oh wow, good for you.

Just a quiet hand raise, that's beautiful.

So nice, wow,

heroes among us, good for you.

I like sucking d*ck

the way I like going for a run.

I'm proud of myself after

but during, I'm always like,

"Why'd I do this? I didn't have to."

"There's other ways

to get where I'm going."

But then afterwards, I'm always like,

"Wow, the power of the human spirit."

"It really is

all mind over matter out there."

But during I'm like,

"People should be throwing little cups

of water on me for being so brave."

But then afterwards I'm like,

"Nice, got my time down."

We're trying to get faster, not better.

I remember I was so scared

to start going down on women.

Then I went down on a girl

for the first time, and I was like,

"Oh my God, that was so much better."

I was so mad at my whole life.

I was like, "This whole time,

I could've been licking ice creams,

and instead I've been swallowing swords?!"

"Could have been living like

a child on the boardwalk,

instead I've been living like

a carny with something to prove."

Not that I'm k*lling it

at q*eer dating. I am not.

I'm running into obstacles

I never thought I'd face.

I got dumped by a polyamorous person.

Ever been dumped by a polyamorous person?

It sucks.

It's like getting fired

from a part-time job.

They're like, "You can't even work here

Mondays and Tuesdays," holy sh*t.

I didn't think I was gonna like

dating somebody poly.

She was poly. I was busy.

But it actually ended up being

the most honest, transparent,

communicative relationship I'd been in.

I was totally in love with her.

She dumped me because I worked too much.

And let me tell you something,

Grand Rapids.

When I started dating

a polyamorous person,

I did not think it was gonna end

because my lifestyle didn't work for them.

Some of you don't believe me.

You're like, "There's no way

you liked being poly."

"You are not cool. You reek of monogamy."

"I bet you masturbate to Bridgerton."

And you know what? I don't.

I have,

but I don't.

That joke's not going in the special.

There's no way.

No, no, no. That's way too vulnerable

to put on Netflix.

Will not be doing that.

Unless it helps the algorithm.

We'll have to talk about it.

If Netflix was like,

"If you liked Bridgerton"

They could do that.

I appreciate you guys coming

to this new hour of material

because I know

it's a lot of God stuff and g*y stuff,

and my agents are nervous.

I think my whole team was nervous

when I said I was gonna do a tour

called "Save Me" and talk about religion.

I got a call from my publicist like,

"Hey, I heard you're gonna call

the special Prodigal Daughter

and you wanna

call the tour 'Save Me.' Great."

"Just making sure,

you're not taking any promo photos

hanging upside down from a cross, right?"

Anyway, we got rid of those photos. But

No, I did not do that.

That was never the intention.

I understand why they thought

it was gonna be an hour

just bashing Christianity.

Because if you watch my other specials,

I usually take a few minutes

to take a few shots at Christianity.

And that's because I was working through

a lot of stuff from my childhood.

And also, I was really jealous

that Christianity had worked

for other people and not me.

As a mentally ill person,

it is devastating when someone just goes,

"Yeah, I used to be sad too,

then I accepted Jesus into my heart.

Now I'm better." You're like

"Is that all you did? That's all you did?"

"Just said a poem in the dark,

and now you're worthy of love?"

"That's great. I love that for you."

It's

It's like when someone goes,

"I stopped drinking soda,

lost 20 pounds, acne went away."

And you're like, "My God, that's so cool.

Hope your plane falls out of the sky."

The problem that I have with religion is

it can be interpreted

so many different ways.

Like, you can say

to a room full of people,

"Jesus loves you no matter what."

And a lot of those people will hear,

"Jesus loves me."

But some of those people will hear,

"No matter what"?

And that's the problem, right?

Religion can be used

as either a weapon or a tool.

And to be clear,

if you are using religion as a weapon

to control, manipulate, scare people,

to make yourself

feel superior to everyone else,

f*ck you. That's not what it's for.

[vigorous cheering]

You are not using that correctly.

You're using a vibrator

as a back massager,

and we're all f*cking laughing at you.

Because if God does exist,

he does not exist to make you

feel better than other people.

He exists to make you better

for other people.

And life is so f*cking hard.

Whatever makes you a better person

for other people,

that's what you should be doing.

We do this weird thing where we forget

that everybody's struggling.

Everybody's trying to get through it.

And we judge each other's

coping mechanisms.

Like, "You're a quitter

if you get on antidepressants."

"You're stupid if you believe in God."

b*tch, I'm on mood stabilizers,

you're on Jesus.

We're all trying

to get to "dead with Daddy."

We're all trying to get there.

It's fine.

And there are a lot of people

who are using religion correctly.

My aunt and uncle, my grandparents,

the people at this church.

There are a lot of people

who are using religion

as a tool for community and connection

and compassion and comfort.

And when I was writing this hour,

I was thinking about those people.

And I was thinking about my family.

I was trying to think of positive things

that came out of me growing up in church.

And the most positive thing

I can't believe I didn't think of sooner.

I started doing stand-up in churches.

That's how I started.

They called it testimony,

but I was getting laughs.

And No.

No, I really did.

I started doing stand-up when I was 16.

And for the first, I don't know,

four or five years of my career,

I was performing in a lot of churches.

In America, you can make a living

as a church comedian.

You can tour churches even bigger

than this, 4,000, 5,000 seats,

and make a great living that way.

And when I was like 21, I had to decide,

am I gonna go the church comedian route

or am I gonna go

the secular comedian route?

And I think you know what I picked.

But I am so grateful to have that

as my foundation for my stand-up career.

I got so much professional stage time

in front of thousands of people.

I got paid. I learned how to work clean

and perform in any room.

And I think about that a lot.

I'm grateful for it.

I know a lot of you are probably

sitting there now going,

"Well, that's nice."

"It's cute that you're grateful, Taylor,

and we You know, we get what you're

doing with the church and everything."

"But, um, we've seen your stuff now."

"And there's no way

you could perform in churches now."

And here's the thing, I don't want to.

And I probably won't.

But I f*cking could, though, okay?

Oh, if I get canceled or some sh*t,

I'm a f*cking professional

and I will be returning to churches, okay?

I will turn this ship around

so g*dd*mn gosh darn fast.

In a fetus's heartbeat,

I'll go back to churches.

I will rebrand like you've never seen.

I'll get real big hair,

marry a man, let him lead.

Write a book called

Submissive Wife, Submissive Life,

adopt a Southern accent out of nowhere,

and yeah, I'm going on tour.

I have the beginning of the show

planned out.

It's gonna start off,

pitch black auditorium.

Then on the big screen

I'm only doing megachurches.

That's where the money is.

On the big screen,

a black-and-white montage,

probably starting with

the Netflix "tudum" noise.

They own my a*s

for, like, eight more years.

A black-and-white montage of

all my raunchiest jokes from my twenties.

"That's why getting a guy

to wear a condom is like"

Fade out to demon noises.

Freeze-frame on my young face.

Lights slowly come up

as I walk out wearing all

You know what?

I'm just gonna show you.

I'm just gonna show you.

[tudum sound playing]

This is how you get p*ssy?

I came so hard.

I'll have you know,

in bed, I am a wild animal, okay?

And that's when

I stopped believing in God.

Go home and Google "porn for women," okay?

I lost my virginity late.

I lost it

when I was financially independent.

You guys,

I'm literally f*cking the patriarchy.

Wet, let me feel.

Yeah, I grew up with God.

He's a douchebag.

That joke makes it sound like

I resent my religious upbringing,

and I do, so I nailed it.

f*cking hell.

No Christian parents wanna watch their

daughter talk about depression and d*ck.

Take that, Jesus.

Don't know if any of you have tried to get

a 20-something dude from a dating app

to wear a condom lately,

but it's sort of like

trying to convince a 5-year-old

to put a jacket on

over his Halloween costume.

Wet, let me feel.

[overlapping comedic bits and punchlines]

[distorted] Take that, Jesus.

Anybody recognize her?

[in Southern accent] That was me,

back when Satan had me in his clutches.

And I can see some of you feeling

like Joseph on Christmas right now.

Like, "Mmm, is this wh*re lying to me?"

But everybody loves a comeback,

don't they?

It ain't a rebrand, it's a rebirth, folks.

Welcome to the Prodigal Daughter Tour!

[crowd cheering]

[chorus singing "Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!

(A Man After Midnight)"]

Gimme, gimme, gimme

A man after midnight

Won't somebody help me

Chase the shadows away?

Gimme, gimme, gimme

A man after midnight

All right, here's some great

q*eer awakenings people sent in.

We always get

the cast of Pirates of the Caribbean.

We always get Shego from Kim Possible.

We always get Robin Hood, the fox version.

Yeah, you know.

And then people always ask

what my q*eer awakening was,

and my q*eer awakening

I figured out because I was watching

home movies of me as a kid,

and I found this video

of me talking to my mom

when I was like three or four.

And do you guys remember

the girl deer from Bambi, Faline?

Okay, so, apparently,

Faline was my q*eer awakening,

and we do have the footage.

-[Taylor's mom] Why is he the best?

-'Cause he's just the best!

[Taylor's mom] What about Faline?

Isn't she the best too?

Yeah, she's very pretty.

She makes me like a hot dog in a pan.

[Taylor's mom]

She makes you like a hot dog in a pan?

My goodness! What does that mean?

I don't know.

Thank you so much, Grand Rapids!

I cannot thank you enough.

One more time

for Sophie Buddle, everybody!