03x04 - My Friend Flea

[bunniefuu]

♪ ["PAINTING WITH JOHN
NEW OPENING" PLAYING] ♪

♪ Ah-dee ♪

♪ Ah-da ♪

♪ Ah-dee ♪

♪ Ah-da ♪

♪ Ha-dee ♪

♪ Ah-da ♪

-♪ Ha-dee ♪
-♪ Ha-dee ♪

♪ Ah-da ♪

-♪ Ha-dee ♪
-♪ Ha-dee ♪

-♪ Ah-da ♪
-♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

In like, 1997,
I think it was '97,

I got asked to play
"The Star-Spangled Banner"

before a Nets game...

when they were back
in New Jersey.

So... [GRUNTS] ...the night
before I practiced it

a few times just--
And I decided to just play it

really straight, like,
'cause I assumed they had

a shitty microphone
and a shitty sound system

which was just
really for, like...

[IMITATES ANNOUNCER]
"Foul on Keith Van Horn."

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
So I-- I just sort of thought,

"Just play it normal.
Just-- Just play it."

I was in the studio that day
and I get home

and I'm getting ready to go.

And as I'm going out the door,
the phone rings

and I answer it and it's Flea.
"Hey, what are you doing?"

I said, "I'm on my way to play
'The Star-Spangled Banner.'"

He said, "Oh,
you're gonna be really nervous.

Nobody's there to see you."

Well-- Which hadn't
occurred to me

that I was gonna be nervous
and then he goes...

"Yeah, the only thing memorable
you can do is f*ck it up.

That's the one thing you can do
that anybody will remember,

is if you f*ck it up."

So now that thing goes
into my head a bit,

like, that nerve thing,
that nervous thing.

It just sort of starts
and it's like, you know, I--

And it just sort of starts
in my brain

and on the way out there,
I'm starting to get nervous,

like, I'm getting nervous.
And I'm putting on my reed

on the mouthpiece before
and it's like

my hands are kind of shaking.

So there's all this stuff
in the dressing room,

and I have a big glass
of whiskey

to kind of calm myself down.

And...

I go out there
and the ball boy's

collecting the ba*ls,
and I hand him my saxophone

and take a ball
out of his hands

and I sh**t from, like,
ten feet beyond half-court.

And it was like, right on line.
It was just short by this much.

If it had gone in,
I would have been on--

I would have been on ESPN
all over the country.

It would have been
a great moment in my life.

But it was just short.

And so, I got out there
and I'm nervous,

but I couldn't, y'know--
Anyway, and I started to play,

and then if I do say so myself,
I had a beautiful sound

on the saxophone.

And I start to play
and it sounds gorgeous.

I mean, it's just like,
this warm, beautiful sound

filling up the whole arena.
It's really...

something.
And like, "Oh, I got this."

And just as I start to think,
"Oh, I got this," I f*ck up.

I mean, I just sort of blipped
a note,

and then I jumped ahead.
I skipped a half a phrase.

So people singing along
were now out of whack.

And I kind of pulled it together
and I finished.

And that--
It must have been beautiful

'cause you don't see this.

John Calipari,
who was the Nets coach

at that time, and the refs
come running over to me saying,

"That was beautiful,
that was beautiful."

I'm at half-court
and they're yelling,

"That was so beautiful."

And I, which I assume was
on New Jersey TV, yelled,

"I f*cked it up!"

And they back away from me
like I'm a crazy person.

And I walk off
the court yelling,

"I f*cked it up,"
over and over and over again.

I walk by the Nets bench
and Keith Van Horn

is staring at me, like...

I guess he was nervous
before the games,

and I get to the end
of the bench

and Sam Cassell says...

"That's all right,
we all f*ck up sometime."

Which I appreciated.

So anyways, Flea did this to me.

He put that germ in my head
that grew and grew and grew

and then I was nervous.

It wouldn't have happened
otherwise.

I know it wouldn't have happened
otherwise.

So I'm gonna have him
on the show to pay him back

for what he did to me.

♪ ["FLEA'S WALK"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING] ♪

John!

John!

John!

John!

John!

John!

-John!
-[JOHN LURIE YELLS]

-John!
-[JOHN YELLS]

John!

John!

John!

Hello, John!

John!

John!

John!

John!

-John!
-Hey!

-John!
-JOHN: Hey!

-John!
-Hey!

-John!
-Hey!

-John!
-Hey!

-John!
-Hey!

-John!
-Hey!

-[LAUGHS] John!
-JOHN: Hey!

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

-Come on, man.
-Door?

-Yeah, please.
-FLEA: Close it?

-Yeah, yeah, close it.
-FLEA: Okay.

Ah. Feels good here.

-Uh, how you doing?
-FLEA: Did you Wordle?

-JOHN: Yeah, last night.
-Don't tell me.

No hints, nothing. I know you.

You think I'm gonna just...

-I know you.
-JOHN: ...blurt it out
for no reason at all?

Why wou-- Why would I do that?

'Cause... To f*ck with me.

JOHN: All right.

Do-- Do you want anything?

I'm gonna lie down.

Remember
when we went to Australia?

Yeah, where you tried
to starve me to death?

That's the part
that you always talk about.

Well, because it was...
[CHUCKLES]

-It was remarkable, huh?
-FLEA: You needed to clean out.

[CHUCKLES]
You needed to clean out.

I needed to clean out? What?

[HESITATES]

I-- You won't-- I'll tell it
if you're not going to.

He asked me
to come to Australia.

-Yeah.
-Nice to go.

FLEA: I was so excited
you were coming.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

And then we get there,
and he's got this house.

-It's beautiful there.
-Yeah.

It's on the ocean,
but it's in the middle

-of nowhere.
-FLEA: Yeah.

-Congo.
-FLEA: Yeah.

And, uh...

he's on some weird new diet.

[LAUGHS] Vegan.

Oh, that's what you were?
You were a vegan?

FLEA:
I was going vegan. I went vegan.

-But...
-FLEA: I didn't know how to

make food that well. [CHUCKLES]

JOHN: But I didn't--

I didn't-- There was no way
for me to get food.

There was really
no way to get food.

There was, uh...

I mean, without a car,
there was no way.

And you wouldn't
take me anywhere.

And so, I was just
f*cking starving to death.

-Well, that's what
I remember about that.
-I remember...

-I remember... [LAUGHS]
-[JOHN CHUCKLING]

...you said--
You went to town

with, like, one of the girls
or somebody.

And you came back
and you were like,

"I had a chicken.
I had a... [LAUGHING]

-...I had a barbecued chicken."
-[BOTH LAUGH]

And I was like, "What the f*ck's
the matter with you?

Why are you eating that poison?
Why you doing it to yourself?"

[CHUCKLES]
And you got really mad.

And you said, you said--

you kind of confronted me
and you said,

"Are you telling me
what to eat?"

[BOTH LAUGH]

-I don't remember that at all.
-FLEA: But--

-Also, that's--
-You know what it was?

At that time? At that time?

Yeah.

I was just in the beginning
of coming out of, like,

doing drugs, not giving a f*ck.
You know what I mean?

Like, just being like a wild,
crack-smoking,

drug-sh**ting maniac.

And I became
so self-righteous about,

"This is how
I'm going to live." Like--

And then I was just,
for the first time, like,

"Okay, I'm gonna be..."
Like, I found like,

-a way...
-JOHN: Uh-huh.

...to-- that I thought
I could be happy in...

because I was so sad.

You didn't have to starve me.
I mean-- [CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHS]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

-[WIND BLOWING]
-[BIRDS CHIRPING]

-JOHN: Hello, friendo.
-Hey.

You sleep okay?

FLEA: Yeah.

-That looks good.
-JOHN: Yeah?

FLEA: Yeah.

Very good.

[JOHN GRUNTING]

-[BIRDS CHIRPING]
-[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

♪ ["LEROY THE GENERAL"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING] ♪

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

-[KNOCK ON DOOR]
-Who the f*ck is that?

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Your car is here.

I didn't order a car.

You have to come.
And your friend.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[SCOFFS]

♪ ["THE VAN"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING] ♪

[CELL DOOR RATTLING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[GROANS] I'm-- I'm-- I'm sorry.

They've done this to me
a couple times before.

They pick you up, they throw you
in this room...

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

...and once, they let me go
in a couple hours

and then once,
it was like two days

maybe it was three 'cause,
like, you can't really tell

what-- how much
time passes. [INHALES]

But, um, there's no explanation.

They just let you go
after a while.

There's-- There's no way
to get out of the Rock 'n' Roll

Hall of Fame, right?

Once you're in there,
you're in there.

-Yeah. [LAUGHS]
-JOHN: [CHUCKLING] So...

-This is not unlike that, right?
-[INHALES] Well--

And that's why
they say you were abducted

into the Rock 'n' Roll
Hall of Fame, not inducted.

Well, that's why I think...

-[SCOFFS]
-...you know,

if we're in here long enough...

Yeah.

...we might become geniuses.

Like Jean Genet,
that's how he became a genius.

He went to prison,
wrote a whole novel,

they took it away from him,
burned it, threw it away.

I guess this is a good time
to look at this like a-- a...

What do they call it
when a monk goes--

goes in a cave for a long time?

Yeah, but a monk isn't stuck
in here with you.

♪ [PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

JOHN: Once...

-when I sat in with you guys.
-FLEA: Where?

My mind remembers it
as Italy, but I never played

with you in Italy,
so I don't know where it was.

FLEA:
You played with us in New York.

You played with us
in New Orleans.

You played with us-- Um...

JOHN: Philadelphia or something?

FLEA:
I don't remember that part.

I remember... [CHUCKLES]
...I remember New Orleans.

Was that the first time
in New Orleans?

Uh... it might be.

So, I was doing Down by Law,
so it must be 1986.

Yeah, so I played-- we played--

I played the whole show
with you guys.

-Yeah.
-And it was kind of easy.

It was like, you know,
everything was kind of

-a vamp back then.
-Yeah.

Kind of funky.

And that was really fun
to play over.

-Yeah.
-And then...

about what? A thousand people,
maybe even less,

-like 700 people.
-Less.

And, uh...

we go into the dressing room
and you're all yelling

"Socks, socks, socks!"
And I don't know what the f*ck--

-I don't know what's going on.
-Yeah.

And you're all taking--
Someone--

You could have f*cking told me
what was happening. So...

you all took off
all your clothes

and put the sock on like you do
and ran back out.

And I thought...

"Well, I can't do
the whole show

and not do this.

-I have to do it."
-Yeah.

So, I take off my clothes
really fast

and I had these socks
from, like,

these almost knee-high socks
from Barneys,

like these fancy socks.

Like silk socks. [CHUCKLES]

And so, when I put mine on,
mine hung down to my knees.

-Yeah.
-And, um...

But did it get a good grip
around the c*ck and ba*ls?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

I handled that. And then...

there's a guy standing
on the side of the stage

and I-- with sunglasses on,
just grabbed his sunglasses off

'cause I thought
that would help appearance

and put them on.

'Cause I think
that's gonna help.

You thought it was a disguise?

JOHN: It just, like,
gave me some kind of

protection doing this.

So, I'm out there playing
and it's like, I can't believe

how hard you play
when you're naked, you know.

-It's like, you're really--
-Yeah.

And I'm really playing,
I'm really playing,

-I'm really playing.
-Yeah.

And then...

you come over and... [GRUNTS]

...and say...

"The next song
is a vocal breakdown.

So don't lay out there.
I'll k*ll you."

-[FLEA LAUGHING]
-I said, "Oh, okay, okay."

-I said that?
-JOHN: Yeah.

Why? That doesn't sound
like you?

I know, I guess it does.
I just--

It's hard to imagine
I had the presence of mind,

-you know?
-And then,

so there's the vocal breakdown

and now...

I'm like, "Well, what do I do?

I'm not gonna be up here dancing
like some Chippendales' guy."

-Like, f*ck.
-[BOTH LAUGH]

-And so, I ran off the stage.
-Yeah.

And it was really amazing.

You know that feral thing
where, like,

you can feel somebody
looking at you?

I felt 700 pairs of eyes
all staring at my a*s

-as I ran off stage.
-FLEA: Yeah.

-I knew that all--
-[FLEA LAUGHING]

[INSECTS CHIRPING]

[BOTH HUM, VOCALIZE]

[HUMMING FADES]

♪ [QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

-[SIGHS]
-JOHN: How much did you sleep?

[GROANS]

I don't know if I slept.

-Yeah, you slept.
-I did?

Yeah, they brought food
and I ate it

and then I got sick.

And you slept
through the whole thing.

-You got sick?
-Yeah, I got really sick.

-Did you throw up?
-Yeah.

Are you sure it's from the food?

Y-- Yeah.

♪ [QUIRKY MUSIC RESUMES] ♪

FLEA: You know when we used
to play basketball all the time?

-JOHN: Yeah.
-FLEA: That was fun.

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

-[JOHN CHUCKLES]
-You're a sweet jumper, dude.

-"Don't call me dude."
-Yeah, "Don't call me dude."

Well, you have a sweet jumper.

-My best thing was defense.
-Really?

Yeah, yeah, by far.

And a real ability
to-- to see the game,

to look at somebody's body
and know which way he's going,

-you know what, you know?
-Yeah.

To study,
even like in a pickup game,

like, to study somebody's moves
and anticipate them.

Yeah.

So infinite...

the possibilities.

Oh, you must've-- you must've
played with pros, right?

A couple of celebrity
kind of games.

You know, like, you've seen
the greatest moment

of my life, right?

It was behind
the back kind of thing?

No, that was-- No, not that.

That's my trick shot
and I failed at doing that,

but I played in one
of those MTV celebrity games.

-Yeah.
-And to win the game,

I hit a NBA three-pointer,
which was a ten-pointer

in that game,
but it was an assist

from Chris Mullin
and I f*cking drained it.

And I won
the three-point sh**t-off

in the contest.

-It's the greatest thing
I've ever done.
-In-- In addition to that?

-Yeah, both on the same day.
-Wow, that is really something.

I mean, I hate to admit
how jealous I am of that.

♪ [QUIRKY MUSIC RESUMES] ♪

[INHALES] I'm seeing
the greatest-- greatest circles

on the wall right now.

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

Are you friends
with some of the kids?

Didn't you meet Amari and Amaya?

Yeah.

We're not--
We're not close friends but--

-But they seem
really comfortable...
-No, lately--

...and happy around you.

Yeah, no, I like them.
I like them a lot.

Yeah. Do you ever meet
little kids that you don't like?

Yeah, all the time.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, it's like...

-40 percent.
-Yeah.

Some kids I really like.
But I don't like all kids

-because they're kids.
-Yeah.

There was this great thing
here once where...

we went up to this school,
it's not near here,

and these kids would play
in the field

and they were really fun
to watch

because they really
looked athletic,

a nice thing
to their stride, you know.

-Yeah.
-I can't remember why we wanted

to take a photograph.
We were with somebody.

But Nesrin was there
and she went to ask permission

at the school
if we could take pictures.

And the kids saw her
and they were fascinated--

and they were fascinated
and attracted to her.

-And they--
-How old were they?

-Five, six, seven?
-Okay.

JOHN: And they surrounded her,
they really-- And then...

she went down on her knees
to show them something...

-Yeah.
-...and they engulfed her.

It was really like,

this really top ten
magical moments of my life.

Yeah, I've never seen
anything like it.

-That's 'cause Nes--
-JOHN: Really-- Huh?

That's 'cause Nes
is a f*cking beam of light.

-That's right.
-JOHN: Yeah, no, they really--

-But they felt it
and they really felt it was--
-Yeah.

-JOHN: I mean, immediately.
-They trusted her.

♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

[FLEA SIGHING]

Well...

if we never get out of here...

What the-- Why?
We'll get out of here.

[LAUGHS]

I mean, one can't help
but contemplate

when you're stuck
in a f*cking jail cell.

We've had some good times.

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

You know,
my first nightmare was,

I was, like, five or six
and we were in my house

in New Orleans.

I-- I see the house
from this nightmare

more than I do from anything
in real life.

I remember the house,
the structure of the house.

And so, this kid's got a wallet
and I take it.

And I--
And it's got two dollars in it.

And I take it and I'm running.
I'm sort of, like...

a little more than teasing.

I mean, I wasn't gonna steal
his money or anything,

but I just-- It was like a

kind of a "f*ck you"
to this kid.

And so, I've got his wallet
and I'm running and I run

into this invisible wall
right in front of--

-But it had a personality.
-[BREATHES DEEPLY]

And the wallet goes up
in the air

-and it scared me to death.
-Oh, man.

-And it was kind of like...
-Yeah.

...it was kind of like...

-it's not an evil spirit.
-Yeah.

It's a really harsh judge
of your conscience.

-Yeah.
-Really. Whoa!

Wow!

I had this dream
when I was a kid...

the most terrifying nightmare.

And I still remember it.

But in the nightmare, like,
this evil in the nightmare

spoke to me and said,
"If you ever tell

-about this nightmare..."
-[HESITATES]

-Have you ever told anyone?
-No.

Well, just, what, do you want
to think about this?

-I'm not gonna tell it.
-JOHN: Oh, okay.

But like, I still won't tell,
you know what I mean?

-JOHN: Yeah.
-That's how f*cking scary
it was.

Well, that came
from inside your head.

-You know what I mean?
-That's what they say.

[PLAYS TUNE ON HARMONICA]

♪ Oh, don't let me die here ♪

♪ Don't let me die here
With this idiot ♪

♪ Oh, don't let me die here ♪

[VOCALIZES]

I think you might be...

the only person that could
call me an "idiot"

-and it makes me happy.
-[BOTH LAUGH]

♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

You can go.

-Can we have our clothes back?
-No.

-[FOOTSTEPS RECEDING]
-Figures.

JOHN: Did you eat the food?

'Cause I don't know
what that was.

-I didn't eat.
-Oh.

I didn't eat the whole time.
I didn't eat, I didn't poop.

I might have peed once.

Once I was at a fashion show
with Iggy Pop,

watching a runway show,

the only fashion show
I've ever been to,

and I had to go to the bathroom
and they said,

"There's no bathroom."

And Iggy Pop looked at me
and he said,

"Fashion people,
nothing comes in,

-nothing goes out."
-[JOHN CHUCKLING]

When I did the Marvin record

-and I was getting...
-Yeah.

-...all the quotes from people,
-Yeah.

I didn't really know Iggy,
but I heard

he had told somebody,
"John Lurie

-is an American original."
-FLEA: Yeah.

So, I called him, I said,
"Do you mind just saying that

-about Marvin Pontiac?"
-Yeah.

JOHN: He said, "Okay."

And he changed it to,
"Marvin Pontiac

is an American original.
He'd kick your a*s for nothing."

And I called him to thank him
and at the end I said,

-"We should hang out sometime."
-Yeah.

And he said, "Why?"

[BOTH LAUGH]

Which is-- Which is something
I wish I thought of like,

-forty years ago, you know.
-FLEA: Huh.

♪ ["JOHN AND FLEA WALK HOME"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING] ♪

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

♪ ["FLEA'S NIGHTMARE"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING] ♪

[JOHN VOCALIZING]

[GROANS]

-[GASPS, BREATHES HEAVILY]
-♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES ABRUPTLY] ♪

♪ ["PRISONER PLATYPUS
PARADE PLATYPUS"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING] ♪

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

♪ ["THE FIRST AND ROYAL QUEEN"
BY THE LOUNGE LIZARDS PLAYS] ♪

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪