02x05 - Small Car

[bunniefuu]

[BIRDSONG]

Wow, look at that!

It seems like five
in one little thing.

From our garden.

♪ ["I HOPE SHE'S OKAY"
BY MARVIN PONTIAC PLAYS] ♪

♪ Ba-dum ♪

♪ Ba-dee ♪

♪ Ba-dum ♪

♪ Bum ♪

♪ Ba-dum ♪

♪ Ba-dee ♪

♪ Ba-dee ♪

♪ Bum ♪

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

[BIRDSONG]

JOHN LURIE: The fruit is just
remarkable on this island.

If you live in New York City,
you forget.

In New York City,
we get this fruit

that looks... beautiful
but has no taste.

It's engineered to look good
but have no taste.

Kind of a poor decision
if you ask me.

So, you forget that--
what it's like. I mean,

if you get something
in season here,

and you bite into it,
and-- it explodes

with not just flavor.
It explodes with life.

And you absorb it,
deep into your body.

It's-- It makes perfect health
seem possible.

Nesrin and I
were living in Turkey,

and on the dusty little highway
they had...

all these guys selling karpuz,
watermelon, and...

we'd buy one,
take it home, cut it open,

I mean, it had no taste.

Three of four watermelons
we got, they all--

they all stank.

And then, we stopped.
We were gonna try one more time.

We bought one from this guy,

cut it open,
and it looked nice and red

and juicy, and we bit into it,
and it was, "Oh, my God!"

So, we started
looking for that guy,
but he wasn't in the same place,

and we drove up and down
the highway, and we found him,

and we bought
another one from him,

and we cut into it,
and it was the same thing.

It was just delicious.

So, the next time--
I don't speak Turkish,

so Nesrin had to talk to him.

And I said,

"If he doesn't own
his own farm, ask him...

how he picks them."

'Cause she had
told me that he goes--

he goes from farm to farm
to pick them...

and I see this guy, you know,
it's like dimly lit highway,

and it's all dusty,
and the cars going by,

and this guy's talking
to Nesrin,

and he's got this big face
with a bird beak of a nose...

and a little tiny mouth,

and he's explaining this
to Nesrin with such care.

He's so serious and such care
how he's explaining to Nesrin

how to pick a watermelon...

and I'm wondering,
"How did it come to...

people not doing
their jobs right?"

'Cause this guy puts
all of his heart into his job.

When did it become
the fashion to do shitty work?

And this guy with the big face,
and the bird beak nose,

and the little mouth and...

Because his face
is so uncomfortable,

it makes him
even more beautiful.

And I'm just thinking,

"I got as much respect for you
as anybody."

♪ [BANJO MUSIC PLAYS] ♪

♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪

♪ [GUITAR NOTE PLAYS, DETUNES] ♪

-[CRICKETS CHIRP]
-[WIND BLOWS]

Garbage is a problem.

The skies are cloudy, all day.

I'm an old cowhand.
I'm Spartacus.

I'm Spartacus.

♪ [MUSICAL INSTRUMENT RATTLES] ♪

How do you like my boots?

♪ [BANJO MUSIC PLAYS] ♪

♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪

[BIRDSONG]

JOHN: Life can be
pretty horrible.

But there are also
beautiful moments.

Beautiful things
can be happening all around you.

And, you kids,
if you have your face

buried in your phone,
you're not gonna see them.

You have to wake up
sometimes and look around.

And get the f*ck out of my yard.

♪ [DOUBLE BASS PLAYS] ♪

♪ [DOG BARKS
IN TIME WITH MUSIC] ♪

♪ [MUSIC CONTINUES] ♪

-♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪
-[CRICKETS CHIRP]

JOHN: Oh, that's pretty good.

I think I should be known as
"The Cloud Master."

If you see me on the street,
say, "Hello, Cloud Master."

And I will respond.

Cloud Master.

I was on tour
with the trio, which was...

Calvin Weston on drums,
Billy Martin on percussion,

and I liked playing
with that situation

more than the whole band,
'cause I could

really concentrate
on my playing.

With the whole band,
there's so much to deal with,

on and off stage,
like all the time.

So, the trio was great for me.
I just played the saxophone,

and those guys
were great together.

So, I would just
sort of float on top

of what they were doing.

And Evan was doing a piano solo.

Evan, my brother, was playing
a piano solo opening for us.

First night of the tour
was in Warsaw,

and then we were playing
in Macedonia at some festival.

And the president
of Macedonia was a fan,

so he was gonna send his jet
to pick us up.

[SMACKS LIPS]
But he can't send his jet

all the way to Warsaw,

he can only send it
as far as Bulgaria.

[LIPS SMACKING] So, we'll take
a commercial flight

from Warsaw to Bulgaria,
get off there,

and then the president's jet
will bring us to Macedonia.

We land in Bulgaria,
and we're the only people

that get off the plane.

And I don't know if it's
a different airport than normal,

but there's just
this one concrete bunker...

on the runway,
unlike nothing else.

So-- And we've got
all of our equipment,

the percussion,
and-- and my horns,

and, you know,
our suitcases, and... [INHALES]

So, we're lugging
all this stuff,

that's just sort of thrown
off the plane.

We go to the concrete building
with all our equipment

and everything...

and there's three guys there
with machine g*ns and uniforms,

and they are just
screaming at us in Bulgarian,

and they're frothing
at the mouth,

and they're pointing
their machine g*ns

at us, like...
[IMITATES SHOUTING IN BULGARIAN]

You know, like, telling us
to move here and move there,

and, like-- And then, Phillipe,
the tour manager...

[CLICKS TONGUE]

...sort of told him
that he was in charge,

and they take him
really roughly,

and go in the other
room with him. [CLEARS THROAT]

I thought,
"That's probably the last time
I'm gonna see Phillipe.

I mean, that's gonna be
the end of him."

[SIGHS] So, Phillipe comes out
and says,

"We have to go right now,"
and I know he's paid them off
some enormous amount,

and we have
to grab all the equipment,

the percussion stuff, and...

and my horns,
and all our suitcases,

and we're running out
to the only plane

that's out there,
but it's not a jet,

it's this, you know,

propeller plane
with one propeller,

and I don't like those planes
anyways, um...

and we get out there,
and the pilot is...

clearly drunk.

So, now what do you do?
I-- You know,

Go-- You go back
into the room with the...

the guys frothing at the mouth
with the machine g*ns?

Or do you get on the plane
with the pilot who's drunk?

And we--
It was clear what to do.

We had to get on the plane.

[SMACKS LIPS] And, uh...

me and Calvin are both
terrified to fly anyways.

We're not allowed
to sit next to each other

on any flights. [SMACKS LIPS]

There's no ending
to this story, so...

But we made it. [SMACKS LIPS]

♪ [“SMALL CAR”
BY MARVIN PONTIAC PLAYS] ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ This is a story
About a place ♪

♪ Very, very, very
Far away from here ♪

♪ Where tiny little farmers
Lived with their families ♪

♪ And small, one-inch-long
Barking dogs ♪

♪ And they made their cars
Out of cans ♪

♪ In a car, in a car
In a small car, in a small car ♪

♪ In a car, in a small car
In a small car drivin' ♪

♪ These farmers thought
That there must be a way ♪

♪ To know why
The stars are shining ♪

♪ And they wanted to see ♪

♪ And they decided to go
On a mission ♪

♪ In a car, in a car
In a small car, in a small car ♪

♪ In a car, in a small car
In a small car drivin' ♪

♪ So, they decided
To go for a ride ♪

♪ And they drove
On the highway ♪

♪ They drove on the highway
Past the armadillos ♪

♪ Like the armadillos
In Switzerland ♪

♪ And they said,
"Oh, it is so beautiful!" ♪

♪ In a car, in a car
In a small car, in a small car ♪

♪ In a car, in a small car
In a small car drivin' ♪

♪ And as they drove
They looked from car to car ♪

♪ Smiling at each other
As they drove past each other ♪

♪ As they drove
Past each other ♪

♪ And they smiled
And they said ♪

♪ "Hello, farmer!" ♪

♪ They said, “Hello”
To each other ♪

♪ "Hello, farmer!" ♪

♪ "Hello, farmer! Hello" ♪

♪ "Hello, farmer!"
"Hello, farmer!" ♪

♪ "Hello, hello" ♪

♪ In a car, in a car
In a small car, in a small car ♪

♪ In a car, in a small car
In a small car drivin' ♪

♪ And there were birds
Flying in the sky ♪

♪ And the farmers looked up
And pointed at the birds ♪

♪ And said, "Look, look!" ♪

♪ And the birds flowed
And swooped down upon the cars ♪

♪ In a friendly fashion ♪

♪ In a car, in a car
In a small car, in a small car ♪

♪ In a car, in a small car
In a small car drivin' ♪

♪ And finally
The farmers reached a place ♪

♪ Where the people were much
Much bigger than they were ♪

♪ These people were actually
Normal size as we know them ♪

♪ And they did not
Make their cars out of cans ♪

♪ But they made their cars
Out of metal ♪

♪ And they used cans as cans ♪

♪ And these people
Were giants to the farmers ♪

♪ And they had some fear ♪

♪ But they were strong
And noble, these farmers ♪

♪ And they decided
That they did not belong here ♪

♪ And that this was not
A good place for them ♪

♪ In a car, in a car
In a small car, in a small car ♪

♪ In a car, in a small car
In a small car drivin' ♪

♪ And so, they turned around
And they drove home ♪

♪ But they had had a nice day
They had had a nice day! ♪

♪ In a car, in a car
In a small car, in a small car ♪

♪ In a car, in a small car
In a small car drivin' ♪

♪ And they arrived home
And they got out of their cars ♪

♪ And the husbands and the wives
Smiled at each other ♪

♪ And the children
Played in the yard ♪

♪ But they still, to this day
They remember the time ♪

♪ When they all went out ♪

♪ In a car, in a car
In a small car, in a small car ♪

♪ In a car, in a small car
In a small car drivin' ♪

♪ In a car, in a car
In a small car, in a small car ♪

♪ In a car, in a small car
In a small car drivin' ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ In a car, in a car
In a small car, in a small car ♪

♪ In a car, in a small car
In a small car drivin' ♪

♪ In a car, in a car
In a small car, in a small car ♪

♪ In a car, in a small car
In a small car drivin' ♪

♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪

Hello.

Today, I'm going to show you
how to make weapon potatoes.

So, you're gonna need a potato,
a stick, and some strings.

Peel a potato.

Then we're gonna
wash the potato.

So, we're gonna slice it
in three slices.

So, we're gonna
shape them into spearheads.

Drizzle a little oil...

so you can get
that golden-brown color.

Place them on the rack.

Put them in the oven
for two hours

until they get golden-brown
or as hard as stone.

[TIMER TICKS]

[OVEN DINGS]

Once the potatoes are done,

set them on the tabletop
for cool down.

[CLOCK TICKS]

So, take your potato...

your stick...

and you attach it to here.

And we're gonna tie it.

You wanna make sure
it's really, really,

really tight.
You don't want it to fall off.

Or we're gonna lose the battle.

Make sure it's very, very tight.

Okay?

And that's how you make
a weapon potato.

Ready for battle!

Now, we are going to invade
a neighboring village.

-♪ Ann Mary Gludd James ♪
-♪ h*! h*! h*! h*! ♪

-♪ Ann Mary Gludd James ♪
-♪ h*! h*! h*! h*! h*! ♪

♪ Her weapon potatoes
Are the sharpest in the land ♪

-♪ Ann Mary Gludd James ♪
-♪ h*! h*! h*! h*! ♪

-♪ Ann Mary Gludd James ♪
-♪ h*! h*! h*! h*! h*! ♪

♪ Her weapon potatoes
Are the sharpest in the land ♪

♪ ["THE FIRST AND ROYAL QUEEN"
BY THE LOUNGE LIZARDS PLAYS] ♪

♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪