01x08 - The Stability Pact

[bunniefuu]

[in French]

[in English]
Have you had dinner?

[in French]

[in English]
Have you packed?

[in French]

[in English]
I'm gonna go.

Just one minute.

[in French]

[in English]
The door's locked.

I'm on the phone.

[in French]

[in English]
They're both locked.

[in French]

[in English]
Let me out!

[in French]

[in English]
Yeah?

The door is locked.

You told me this when
I was on the phone.

Cornelius' assistant
must have locked it.

It's okay, I have the...

key...

[upbeat music]

-What?
-I don't have the key.

What do you mean
you don't have it?

Exactly that.

I don't have the key.

How come?

It's a funny story.
Do you want to hear it?

-No! I want to get out of here.
-Fair enough.

[in French]

[in English]
What's he saying?

He's going to be here
in 1.5 hours.

An 1.5 hours to hop
in an elevator?

Oh, right, because they give
those jobs to stupid people.

Okay. So, it will be
more like three hours.

[in French]

[in English]
Okay, idiot.

Why don't you come
and let us out...

-Just... He's hung up.
-Yeah.

Great.

Good.

Let's find some food
or something

because we're gonna
starve to death.

We can manage a few minutes
without eating, Rose.

I actually get quite moody
and upset if I skip a meal.

Okay. Let's find some food.

Mmm...

This is ludicrous.

That's the meat he cannot
have because he's a vegan.

But he hates waste, so...

Pigs' feet. Nice.

Let's try
without reading the labels.

Yeah.

You're English, you might
have this for breakfast?

Pigs' feet, no.
It's an English... It's like

a cake we have with tea.

Yeah?

[chuckles]

Our first dinner date.

[quirky music]

-Rose?
-Yeah?

Are you going to be on
your phone all night long?

Like I don't feel you anymore.

It's like I'm alone
in our relationship.

You don't look at me.

Oh!

I'm sorry you feel that way.

How was your day?

[chuckling]

Thank you for asking.
It was a wonderful day.

Yeah?

I spent it with the kids.

[phone vibrates] Oh, yeah?

Don't you dare take that call!

I am gonna take it.

Okay. Can you put
the speaker on?

-For my entertainment.
-Yeah.

-Hello?
-Hello.

Am I speaking to Rose
Pilkington?

You are.

My name is Nikki Brent.

I'm a journalist
for the Mail Express.

Well, it's either one
or the other.

[laughing]

Your intonation tells me
that's a joke.

And your razor-sharp
wit tells me

you're not to be trifled with.

Is there a reason
you're calling?

Oh, yes, there is a reason.

I've got here a list of Sharon
Redlion's recent expenses...

And...

One word comes to mind:

"Meow!"

I told you
I was going to see Cats!

But you didn't tell me you
were going to see it 56 times!

In two months.

I felt depressed

with the prospect of Brexit,
losing my job and everything,

it cheered me up!

I thought you were going to see
it in Brussels, not in London!

I'm not gonna see it
in bloody Flemish!

It would completely
debase the songs!

It's subtitled.

Is that when they write things

in foreign languages
above the stage?

It's very disturbing.

You went to London 56 times,
on expense, to see a musical.

I think we might have a problem.

You're talking
like it's any musical.

It's Cats!

That show
is a national treasure.

Everyone will understand!

It's patriotic, in a sense.

I gotta go,
the intermission is almost over.

Are you there right now?

What's wrong?

[knocking on door] f*ck!

[in French]

[in English]
You speak French?

Only when I have to.

[in French]

[in English]
What is he saying?

Something about a code.

Okay, right.
Can you do your f*cking job

and let us out now, please?

[in French]

[in English]
No, no...

He left.

Say it.

No, Rose,
you can't act like this.

Be nice to him.

Second time.

Oh, man.

Reading Cornelius' documentation
on biodiversity

is making me
feel super depressed.

Plus Facebook's algorithm seems
to have detected it

so my feed is packed
with articles on global warming

and ads about flights
to Thailand

I researched
for my Christmas thing.

I feel really guilty now.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, the environment.

Yeah, the environment?
That's your answer?

Yeah.

It's just one of those topics,
like Brexit and Trump.

There's not much
interesting left to say.

It's nice spending
an evening with you.

We're trapped here.
How can it possibly be nice?

Would you rather hear
my favorite English words?

What's that?

[grunts]

Right. I've got c*ck.

Persnickety.

Persnickety.

-Yeah.
-Nice.

-Clusterfuck.
-Yeah.

Wankerish.

Unbe... That's a tricky one.
Unbeknownst.

Unbeknownst, yeah.

I don't know what it means.

You have a list of English words
you like on your phone.

-Is that weird?
-Yes, but it's cute.

-Oh, sh*t.
-What?

The Mail Express
is asking for a statement.

They're gonna run
Sharon's misappropriation story.

Don't they need
to cross-check it first?

You don't read
British press, do you?

-Why don't you just own it?
-What does that mean?

You're the Brexit guys,

you're supposed to take
this place down.

Why is it a problem for Sharon

to pour Europe's money
down the drain?

It's sabotage,
that's what it is.

That's a very tenuous argument.

You guys won the referendum

claiming that quitting the EU
would save the NHS.

Yeah.

sh*t, you're right.

[upbeat music]

Yeah.

She's typing.

She stopped.

She's typing again.

I should delete the message.
They might publish it!

That was a f*cking
ridiculous idea.

Why did I listen to you? f*ck!

Calm down.

She's typing.

Yeah! Nice.

Yes!

Ah!

Well done, my...
Oh, no, that's terrible,

I've helped you
and you work for the devil!

I don't get anything
in exchange.

-That's stupid, right?
-Yeah.

Should we open
a bottle of this scary

Finnish alcohol for me
to celebrate

-and you to forget about it?
-Yeah. Let's do it.

Is it clean?

Oh, my hands are wet.

Why? sh*t.

-Okay!
-Nice.

-Is that too much?
-No, it's fine. Thanks.

I can drink.

[chuckles]

-Cheers!
-Cheers.

[coughing]

All right.

I could also stay in Brussels

and work for the British
representation

lobbying for UK interests.

Quite a depressing
prospect, really.

Why?

Because everyone hates us now.

It's fine.
I've handed my notice already.

I'm moving on Brexit day.

You know what?
We could share a flat.

I myself happen to be looking
for accommodation in town.

Right. Share a flat, sure!

We would have rules.
Regulations even.

Freedom of movement.

Except to your room.
You English don't like that.

We would have a budget
for common expenses.

Not an excessive budget I hope!

[laughs] You're already
bargaining for a rebate!

Yeah. If I chip in,
I want my money back!

You people just never learn...

Would you sneakily try to make
it an ever closer union?

It depends.

On what?

We would have to agree
on a stability pact first.

Yeah, of course.

In the end,
you will never be able

to make a life in Belgium,
anyway.

Why?

Because you cannot

cheek kiss.

-Yes, I can!
-No, you cannot.

-Yes, I can.
-No.

It's too subtle
for you Anglo-Saxons.

You just can't master this.

-Sorry.
-That's not fair!

-I can!
-No, no. Not at all.

Okay. Fine.

Hello.

Ah...

-It's one.
-No, it's two.

-No, it's one in Belgium.
-We're doing the French one.

You didn't say that.

Well, it's normal for me.

You're Belgian?

Hello.

[giggling]

-You just bumped into my face.
-You moved.

No, I didn't move.
I was standing here and you...

Like a coup de boule.

You shouldn't do this.

You have to...

control your velocity, okay?

Don't talk about it
like it's a science, please.

-No, it's more like a dance.
-Yes.

You have to be coordinated

and have a bit of grace.

It's a hard part for you.

-Yeah, I'm ready.
-See?

-Grace.
-Yeah, great, we did it.

I did it, you did nothing.

You just stood here
like a potato.

-Like a potato?
-Yeah.

Let's not lose
our concentration. Go.

[clears throat]

Sorry.

Oh!

You're not supposed
to put a kiss on the cheek,

-that's disgusting.
-Don't be so insulting!

Unless you wanna send
the other person

a message that you like him.

I just want to say hello.

That's the point.

Without transgressing any
of your complex Gallic rules.

Okay.

Then, just put a kiss in the air
next to the cheek. Okay?

-That's not bad. Again.
-I'm tired.

But if you don't practice...

you'll never learn.

It's better. The last one.

You nailed it.
It was a good one.

Great!

You don't...

What?

You don't actually
have the key, do you?

What?

What was that?

You think I have the key?

-Why would...?
-No.

You think I have locked us here?

Forget it.

On purpose?

-Why would I do that?
-I don't know.

To hang out, I suppose.

What?

Ooh...

What did you say
about the environment?

You think I'm into you?

You think I'm into you!

You think
I'm trying to hit on you?

I need the toilet.

-So, that's where I'm gonna go.
-You think I...

[instrumental music]

Rose?

Rose?

Don't talk to me
while I'm on the toilet.

Okay.

But...

-Really?
-Go away from the door.

Can you put some music on?

[pop music]

Okay.

[laughs]

How long were you here?

-Oh, my God, your dancing.
-No.

-You were dancing.
-No, I was just...

Come on! Dance for me.

No, no way.

You're ashamed
of your poor moves?

No, I can dance, just not now.

Come on.

I like cheesy Italian pop songs.
That's my weak spot.

What are your other weak spots?

Posh British accent, as well.

Is this a good idea?

[ringing]

-That's...
-What...?

-Oh, sh*t!
-What's wrong?

Um...

sh*t.

Move, move!

I need that.

I have an interview.

-Now?
-Yes.

It's 4 am!
Is it with a strip club?

No, it's for Facebook.

They're in California. I forgot
about the time difference.

Yeah. Do I...

Do I look like
I've had loads to drink?

Yeah.

I mean, no. You look British,

I guess it won't stand out.

American.

Positive American. Great!

Great. Awesome.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

-Riggety-riggety Rose.
-Hey!

-How are you doing today?
-Fine, I guess.

Thank you.

I'm super excited
to have this chat with you.

Yes.

That's how I feel.

Yes. So...

Did you have any time
to read about our culture?

Culture...

Culture, yeah.

I had a little read over that.

I say that I strongly agree.

That's so awesome to hear.

We're gonna put you in
the public relations department

with your fellow countryman,
Nick Clegg.

Yeah. Great.

That sounds wonderful.

Nick is super excited too.

Sounds awesome.

[chuckles]

-Sounds something.
-Look.

-Yeah?
-We discussed it.

We're totally 100 percent
positive about your profile.

You'll fit into the team great.

What about buying your plane
tickets to Cali asap?

Maybe you can get over
here next week?

Come to California?
I think is what you mean?

Okay.

We'll start the visa application
to get things going.

I'm sure I'll be fine
with immigration.

You know, I'm white, so...

Yeah...

We don't do political jokes
because of safety reasons.

I hope you read that
in the values recap we sent you?

-Did you get that?
-Yes, I have.

Sorry about that. That's
the time difference, I think.

Sure. Okay. So, anyway.

I'm super excited.

Yes, I am excited too

-and I guess...
-Yay!

-Yay, yay!
-Yay. What?

-Bye.
-Bye. Wow.

Wow!

I counted the word
"excited" 56 times.

I guess I'm going to California.

Yay!

Okay. I'm...

I'll go for a sleep here.

You can have the sofa.

Congrats. It's cool.

[instrumental music]

[snoring]

[clanks]

Sorry, sorry.

-It's me.
-Sorry.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Our first dinner
and our first breakfast.

Oh, yeah.

-That's not how I pictured it.
-Huh?

No, thank you very much.

Sleep well?

Yeah. Best night's sleep
I've ever had.

[sighs]

I have two lots of good news
and two lots of bad news.

That sounds too many of each.

Sure. So.

The good news is that the Mail
Express ran Sharon's story

and she's become
some sort of star

among the worst fringe
of the UK's political spectrum.

Is that the good news?

It's both the good news
and the bad news.

I couldn't decide.

Cos now,

if you type "EU", "waste"
and "money" into Google,

the Sharon story comes up

and not articles about our trips

to Strasbourg
three days a month.

That's good for you guys, right?

Defending Strasbourg is like

France's number one EU policy.

You're welcome.

-Sorry. Too many words.
-Too many words?

What else?

So...

Torsten published a video of you
on the Internet.

[grunting]

Whatever. You can't see
that it's me behind the costume.

No, you can't.

He did put your name
in the video description.

And your phone number.

My phone number?

Yeah, your mobile.

Oh, sh*t.

On the plus side,
it's a huge hit.

It's going viral.

[exhales sharply]

You received a text.

Oh, sh*t.

Sharon's been excluded
from her group

because of the
misappropriation story.

Yeah, that was predictable.

[clears throat]

Wait.

What about the amendment?

She's not going to be able
to table it without a group.

-sh*t!
-Oh, f*ck. I'm so sorry.

What am I gonna tell Cornelius?

Um...

You could tell him

that you could get


by the time we go to Strasbourg.

Which is tomorrow.

Yeah. Why do you care anyway?

What does that mean?

You're going to California.

You somehow managed to work
for other terrible people.

What's next? Work for...

the Islamic State?

Okay.

Yeah. Cool.

I'll wait in the other room,

I'm getting bored
of this Beckett play.

Great.

[retreating footsteps]

[phone vibrates]

[in French]

[in English]
Hey!

In case you're interested,

that was some MEP offering their
signature for the amendment.

-Oh, really?
-Yeah.

How did that happen?

I relayed the video on Sharon's
Twitter, calling for signatures.

I thought it might boost
the campaign.

How?

Cos we live in an era

of attention seekers
and victorious buffoons:

Nigel Farage,
Boris Johnson, and now you!

Remember? I'm a pro at making
idiots win political battles.

[upbeat music]

Yeah.

[phone vibrates]

-Hello?
-Hi, there.

I'm calling from the office
of MEP Stankova.

If you need any more signatures,
you have our support.

Okay, yeah. Great.

Could you send that in an email?

I've done that.

Sure.

Thank you.

[in French]

[in English]
Thank you very much.

Yeah.

Okay.

That's perfect. Yeah.

Could you send me an email
with all the information?

[upbeat music continues]