01x06 - I'm Sharky

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music]

[exhales sharply]

[in French]

[scoffs]

[chimes]

[retreating footsteps]

[upbeat music]

[in English]
Look,

let me stop your right there

because I don't believe
in climate change.

But this is more
about biodiversity.

[chuckles]

I don't believe in all that.

All of that, what? The animals?

Of course, I believe in animals.

I've got five dogs,
Rottweilers. Look.

There's Smiley. He bit someone,

but that's all right.
He was happy.

-[giggles]
-Cute.

It's all those other animals:
pandas and sharks...

I just think it's...

What?

I just think
it's anti-business propaganda.

[inhales deeply]

Okay...

What about the...

[suspenseful music]
British fishermen?

You believe in them?

[indistinct chattering
and laughing]

We're going to table
his shark thing!

What?

Yeah. Because guess what?
After Brexit,

when we'll be free,
all our British fishermen

will be able to k*ll
those sharks

and sell the fins to the Chinese

when it will be forbidden to
the Frenchies and the Spanish!

It's a huge competitive
advantage for our boys.

Exactly.

I'm not sure
British fishermen...

Yeah, good strategy.

Yeah. So.

So, are you gonna get
the group to table it?

Absolutely!
With all the bullshit

those Italians get through,

I think it's our turn
for a change!

-Yeah.
-Yeah!

As of tomorrow, Rose, you'll
be working for Samy on that.

All right. Have fun, kids!

Wait, you mean
with Samy, not for.

All right. Toodles, toodles.

Thank you. Nice meeting.
[chuckles]

-No, she said for Samy.
-Yeah, but she didn't mean that.

[instrumental music]

[siren wailing]

[sighing]

[knocking on door]

No.

Hello, and good morning,
Brussels!

I've brought Mr Breakfast.

It's sweet
and savory just in case,

so here's a mustard-meat sausage

and one peanut butter vegan,
my personal favorite.

And then one mustard-meat-peanut
butter vegan

just in case you're flexitarian.

[exhales]

Okay. Sure. I get it. Um...

You're still mad at me
for the committee vote.

If you want to be childish
that's okay.

What is it?

It's the breakfast wurst.

Oh, yeah.

[machine whirring]

That's just extremely
culturally insensitive.

[knocking on door]

Okay, come in.

My office is free for everyone!

Weird. It smells like the German
delegation meeting room.

All right! Let's all make fun
of the Germans, it's allowed!

What's this?

Trying to count votes
for the amendment.

[sighs]

That's ludicrous. Did you get
that from The West Wing?

No, I...

Just...

[lively music]

[whistles]

Eh...

[in French]

[door opens and closes]

[in English]
So, in the Parliament,

you have anti-EU MEPs,
and pro-EU MEPs. Yeah?

Mm-hm.

Then you've got the pro-fish
and the anti-fish people.

Right. So...

-Yeah?
-Yeah. Okay.

The pro-fish,
pro-EU MEPs will vote

for your amendment
no matter what.

Like the German Greens.

-Yeah?
-Mm-hm.

But, on the contrary,

the anti-fish, anti-EU people,
like the Greek nationalists,

they will vote against
it no matter what.

I guess they have other
fish to fry.

So, that leaves two
categories of MEPs

whose minds you can change.

You've got the "love the EU,

don't really care
about fish" group.

You can get them
by saying that you're offering

a "European solution"
to finning.

They probably don't know
what finning is

but they always go
for the European solution.

Then you've got
the "meh-EU, love fish" group.

These are the ones
you're gonna get by showing them

heart-wrenching videos

of sharks dying a slow,
painful death.

-Yeah?
-Okay.

But, your problem
is the "I don't give

a damn about
your amendment" MEPs.

Where are those?

Everywhere.

-Obviously.
-Right.

Other fish to fry! I got it.

[chuckles] It's not bad.

-It's a good first joke.
-Yeah.

[laughs]

One solution to get
MEPs interested

is to throw a conference.

Oh, like a "Save the shark"
conference?

[scoffs] Conference
sounds boring.

You could call it an event,
like on Facebook.

Maybe we should call it
an event, like on Facebook.

Sounds equally boring.

A party?

Banquet?

-No.
-Hmm...

No. Guys, I got it!

-An orgy.
-No! Just call it event.

-[clicks tongue] Yeah, okay.
-Yeah?

Whatever you call it,

what we need is a famous
guest speaker.

I kind of never agree with him,
but it's true.

No one cares about finning,
but everyone loves celebrity.

Hmm...

-Angelina Jolie?
-I knew you were gonna say that.

She had her breasts removed,
so she might identify...

Did not know that was why
you would say that. No.

No!

Stromae?

[inhales deeply]
Everybody loves him.

Yes. Do you have
his contact details?

No.

-That was useful.
-Yeah, thank you.

How about someone
who's big in the EU bubble?

What about Marianne Nordager?

-Yeah, okay.
-Yes, she would be perfect.

Oh, yeah.

[clicks tongue]

Who is she?

Marianne Nordager.

Mm-hm.

-Marianne Nordager. Nordager.
-Yeah?

Do you not know who she is?

No, I don't who she is.

[speaking slowly and loudly]
Marianne Nordager.

Saying it louder doesn't help.

She's the Competition
Commissioner.

She fined Apple,
she punished Microsoft.

Okay.

She's very cool and classy.

There's a whole
TV show about her.

A TV show about Europe? Boring!

But if she is such a big cheese,
how can we get her anyway?

Because she's a Danish
politician. That means she's...

She does her own shopping,

she rides to the office
on a bicycle.

She's accessible.

I could help you guys because
we shop at the same supermarket.

So, we're kind
of like grocery buddies.

Oh!

That's not true. You're not.

[playful music] Are you jealous?

I'm not jealous.

[coughs] Jealous.

-[chuckling] I'm not jealous.
-She is.

I'm not jealous!

How can we find her then?

I know this because
I track her movements.

[siren wailing]

[in French]

[exhales sharply]

[knocking on door]

[suspenseful music]

[clears throat]

[tense music]

[indistinct chatter]

[in English]
Can you just pass on

that we'd love to talk to her?

Please.

And why would I do that?

Because it's your job.
Thank you.

Cool chain.

[in French]

[sighs]

[in English]
Just put a little

smiley face here

-at the end...
-No.

Don't do that.

What is that? Is that a "d"?

Put a heart on that "i".

-Rose, can you let me finish?
-[shushing]

No, because...

[in French]

[in English]
Are you happy?

-Yes, I am.
-Super.

[in French]

[gibbers]

[playful music]

[in English]
Look at you, guys.

You're behaving
like it's Kim Kardashian.

She's just an EU commissioner.

Are you saying that valuing

an experienced stateswoman
makes less sense than

idolizing an illiterate
reality TV

celebrity popularized
by a sex tape?

-That's not what I'm saying.
-There she is!

Go, go, go.

Miss Nordager. Excuse me. Sorry.

We would like to invite you to
an event on Tuesday afternoon.

That's impossible.

You're the one
who sent me the note?

Yes, it's about finning.

Each year, 100 million sharks
are hunted for their fins.

-Really?
-Yes.

-That sounds bad.
-Yes.

Tuesday,
we have a very important

meeting with Mark Zuckerberg.

We could break up
Facebook if we wanted.

[laughs]

We're not gonna do
that but we could!

We're gonna have free
tofu sausages.

-I know you like them.
-Torsten.

Um...

Can you not...

Yes, sorry.

[in French]

I'll take it.

Trust me.

[in English]
Okay. Um...

I'll have a think
about this event.

Could you um...

Can you send me
some documentation?

Yeah, sure.

We can't. We've canceled
Zuckerberg twice already.

Every time we do,
he gets nicer, doesn't he?

Men, you treat them mean,
keep them keen.

[laughing] Yeah.

Maybe I'll see you
on Tuesday, then.

-Okay.
-Samy the Shark.

[retreating footsteps]

She knows my name.

How come she knows my name?

You signed your little note.

Yeah, but like...

Is it me or did something
happen there?

No, it's just you.

[tranquil music]

[in German]

[laughing]

[sighing]

[typing]

[in English]
If you specify

there will be mini frankfurters

that will gather
a crowd way better.

Right, yeah.

I'm not gonna do that.
I said there will be a buffet.

That will not do because people
respond better to pictures.

I can't put a picture in that.

You can put a picture in it.

Guys, guys! Marianne
just responded to my email.

And wow!

What?

Smiley face.

Aggressive.

Did she say she's coming or not?

Rose.

Marianne and I are obviously
in a romantic mode, right now.

Of course, she's not going
to show me her game.

That's not how it works.

She's building up the desire.

Like a modern-day
"Liaisons dangereuses".

You English don't know
anything about romance.

Okay, right.

Let's split the tasks.

I'll book the room
tomorrow, I guess.

Nice to have Marianne
as a friend.

You guys do the publicity.

-You're not friends.
-We are.

Email me when you've done it

and I'll redo it.

-Hey, Rose?
-Yeah?

-You know what?
-Yeah?

We should double-date!

-You and Sayeed, Marianne and I.
-Ooh, Yeah!

That's such a great idea.
I guess...

The only problem with that is

I've been going out with Sayeed
for six years

and you and Marianne

is a fictional romance
you've invented.

Six years...

People usually break up
during the seventh year.

So you should enjoy that.

That's not nice.

[scoffs]

It's a joke.

-Okay.
-I'm kidding.

[door closes]

What should I answer?
Smiley with...

Take Marianne away from me
and I'll k*ll you.

-What?
-I'll k*ll you.

[upbeat music]

[exhales]

Do you live here?

[gasps]

No!

I don't care. Um...

This is for you.

What is this?

It's a costume.
For the conference.

What?

Sharon's idea.
She thought you might like it.

Is that a joke?
I'm not gonna wear this.

Marianne will be there.
It's like a first date.

Did you buy the cycling helmet
to carry around with you?

It's not mine.

Really?

I don't need a bike.

Right, because you live here.

Yes. No, I...

All right. See you later.

I'm not gonna wear this.

You are.
You don't have a choice.

Because Sharon wants you to.

So what?

Do you want her support?

-Yeah.
-Yes.

Good luck. See you there.

Nice smell.
Is it coconut? Tropical fruit?

-It's honey.
-Honey!

[door closes]

Nice.

[sighs]

[indistinct chatter]

Rose, rose...

Look, Rose.

Dan, dan, dan, dan...

[roars]

[chuckling]

[instrumental music]

-Rose?
-Mm.

Any idea
why our conference looks like

a Ku Klux Klan
high school reunion?

I've no idea
where they came from.

[laughs]

[indistinct chatter]

Rose...

[sighs]

I don't know.

You can ask them.

Don't...

-Yes?
-Can I just...

Suomalaiset.

What's that?

The real Finns.

It's a Finnish far-right party.

What?

-Oh... The real Finns?
-The real Finns!

Yeah.

I love this place! Come on!

[laughs]

-Where's Samy?
-Oh, he's...

Samy? Come out!

Don't say my name!

Don't be shy.

f*ck! It's super realistic.

Except the cycling helmet.

Right, no.

Is that what...?

No, no. Come on.
What are you doing?

-Ouch!
-It's mine!

Don't do that.

The main point is finning.

[applauding]

Guys?

[indistinct chatter]

-Hello.
-Thank you for coming.

You're welcome.

-And your friend, Samy?
-Yeah, he's...

Hello.

So, yes,

sharks are frightening,

but life is not a film.

It's not Jaws.

Sharks may look scary...

So, you like texting
relationships, don't you?

What?

Lots of dot, dot, dot.

Cute monkey emojis
hiding their eyes.

You think I wouldn't notice?

I see everything.

I'm like Mark Zuckerberg.

Except you can't break me.

I don't think you're like him.

Because you're...

prettier than him.

[grunts]

[indistinct shouting]

Don't touch me!

But it shouldn't go unnoticed.

[applauding]

Oh, look at him! He's so cute.

I want a picture. Sharkie?

Bring him here.

Help him, he can't see anything.

[indistinct chatter]

Be careful where you put
your f*cking fins.

I want a picture.

[lively music]
Enjoy it while you can.

We meet someone like you
every other week.

A nice cause, a few texts.

As soon as we're in that
elevator, you're off the map.

Maybe we should go.

We have that video
conference with Jeff.

Oh, yes.

Jeff Bezos.
He's the founder of Amazon.

He's a friend of ours.

We gotta leave. Sorry.

[applauding]

[indistinct chatter]

[in French]

[grunts]

[clears throat]

[chimes]

[in English]
Marianne?

-Yes?
-Uh...

Do you want to go for a drink?

-[chuckling]
-A drink?

Yes.

It doesn't have to be now.

It can be another day,
I don't know.

Well, no.

But keep up the good work,
Sharkie.

[playful music]
Ah, okay. Thank you.

No, no, no!

[grunting]

[whimpering]

Dude!

Bro!

It hurts.

So sorry.

My fin...

You just got finned.

[classical music]

[in French]

[chuckles]

[sighs]

[sniffs]

[approaching footsteps]

[in English]
Hi.

Hey.

What were you talking about?

Aquatic life.

[laughs]

No, we were...

He said he would help
with the amendment.

-Really?
-Yeah.

What? That's great!

He...

He's one of the best MEPs.

Oh, okay. All right.

He's a good one.

I didn't know that.

[chuckles]

Should we get a picture?

[quirky music]

A little memory.

-Okay, cool.
-All right.

Yeah?

Okay.

[clicks tongue]

Well, no.

I meant with the...

-Oh! The shark.
-Yeah.

You need a hand?

Yeah, to close my mouth.

[chuckling]

Is that... Okay.

Okay.

[camera clicks]

Nice.

Nice.

Okay. Well...

Fine, take it off, then.

-Thank you.
-[giggles]

Yes, like that. Stop.

[chuckling]

Yes.

[quirky music continues]