01x01 - Never Got Any Reports

[bunniefuu]

["C'est Comme Ca Que Ja T'aime"
by Mike Brant]

[cheering]

[in English]
We're taking back control!

[inaudible dialogue]

[in French]

[laughing]

[chuckles]

[grunts]

[door beeps]

[ambient music]

[coughs]

[clears throat]

[laughs]

[in English]
Mr Specklin?

Mr Specklin?

Mr Specklin?

-Mr Specklin?
-[groans]

[in French]

[in English]
Mr Specklin,

I know you can hear me!

[in French]

[panting]

[in English]
Hello. [chuckles]

Three weeks
I've tracked him down.

He's too good at this.

Okay.

Mr Specklin has to come now

to the coordinator meeting
for the Fisheries Committee.

Okay.

Can you get him, please?

-[clears throat]
-[knocking on door]

[in French]

[knocking on door]

[in English]
Okay.

You are his assistant, right?

-Yes.
-You can fill in for your MEP.

[in French]

[in English]
I just arrived in his office.

And to be honest, I have...

To be honest,
I don't give a f*ck.

[sighs]

[in French]

[in English]
Are you coming?

-Yes.
-Now!

Okay.

[indistinct chattering]

[quirky music]

[in French]

[sighs]

[in English]
So, you probably don't want

to sit here.
It's the freak section.

Okay. I have no idea what
it means, but thanks. [chuckles]

-What's your MEP's group?
-He's a centrist.

That's not what it's called here
but I think

you should be sitting
with the cool kids over there.

-Ah, okay.
-I'm the DDFE group.

-All right. Thank you.
-That's mine.

Okay.

[quirky music continues]

Sorry. Hi. Hello.

[sighs]

[indistinct chattering
continues]

[indistinct chattering
in headset]

Excuse me.

-Hey, David.
-Samy.

Samy.

It doesn't sound like David
at all.

-First day, right?
-Yes.

Well, there's a welcome gift
for you. A free report!

-Oh, really? A free report?
-Yes.

-Oh, cool, Okay.
-Yeah.

What is it?

You know what a report is,
right?

-Yeah, of course.
-Good.

So, the next report
is gonna go for free.

This literally never happens,

but my boss,
the chairman of the Committee,

is letting you have it
because it's your first day.

-Really?
-Yeah.

-Nice. Cool. [chuckles]
-Yeah, cool. [chuckles]

Should I announce
that I'm taking it?

Yeah, do it now.

-Cause they're waiting.
-Okay.

Thanks.

Hello. [mic echoes]

Sorry.

[clears throat]

Hi.

Michel Specklin will be
taking care of that report.

[giggling]

I am Samy, his assistant.
Thank you.

-What's funny?
-Thank you very much.

[indistinct chattering]

[in French]

[groaning]

[door opens]

[door closes]

[musical box playing]

[musical box clatters]

[whistling]

[water faucet running]

[tense music]

-[retching]
-[laughing]

[chuckling]

[laughing]

[laughing]

[laughs]

[chortles]

[sighs]

[tense music]

[door opening]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[door closes]

[chuckles]

[in English]
No, thank you.

What?

I said, no, thank you.

Hello.

-Hello.
-Wow!

Why does your office look like
the Planet of the Apes?

My MEP and her friends
had a celebration

for the Brexit anniversary
last night.

Okay. It's been a year already
since the referendum?

No, it's a weekly anniversary.
Every Monday.

Though actually the vote
took place on a Thursday,

but no one wants to start the
weekend with a hangover, so...

-[chuckling]
-just the work week.

I get it.

Right.

Is there a specific reason
you're here or...

just sightseeing?

[laughing]

You were nice to me
this morning.

Was I? When?

At the Committee.

-This morning.
-Oh, that.

Yeah.

Yeah, that wasn't intentional,
sorry.

-Ah, Okay.
-Yeah.

Do you want to grab lunch,
anyways?

-Grab lunch? Grab lunch?
-Yeah.

-You don't say that in English.
-No, we say it,

-but I don't want to grab lunch.
-Ah, Okay. [chuckles]

Sure?

-Is that why you've come here?
-Yes.

-And I'll pay for lunch.
-Pay? Right, Okay. Well...

That's pathetic.

You're basically bribing me
to be your friend.

Well, isn't that what the EU
is all about?

The Germans bribing us all to
be friends with them. [chuckles]

Okay.

So, she made you take
this "free" report like that?

Well, she presented it
like it was a great opportunity,

so I don't know.

Yeah, wow,
she's better than I thought.

Hey, man. Samy, yeah?

Yes. Who are you?

I'm Torsten.
I work for Ingeborg.

Who is Ingeborg?

-My boss.
-Oh, well.

Your boss has the name
of a character

from Hansel and Gretel, man.

[chuckling]

There are only three characters
and the witch is unnamed.

So, Ingeborg is not a witch.
She's way worse than that.

You see,
when witches have nightmares,

they probably dream of Ingeborg.

She is above office rules
and common morality.

You are not.

And that's why
having copied amendments

from a lobbyist in your report,
that's gonna be a problem.

-What?
-You did that?

No, I don't think so. I...

Oh my god.
That is like the one thing

that is completely forbidden
here. That would be like

making fun of Kim Jong-un's
haircut on TV in North Korea.

That's right. It is gonna
cost you your job and ruin

your MEP's political career
forever.

I did not copy those amendments,
okay?

Let's play a game.

Okay.

Look at those two lists
of amendments

and try to find five mistakes.

So, these are the amendments
you tabled

and those are
the recommendations

from the Ocean Preserver
Association

which is, as not indicated
by its name,

a union of the biggest

and blood- thirstiest fishermen
conglomerates.

-Oh, dear.
-What?

Wow, your MEP is,

and I don't use this word
very often, doomed.

No, it's not.
I just talked to that guy.

A kind-looking Italian,
cute smile?

Yeah. Guido,
he is not a lobbyist.

[chuckling]

-What?
-He is.

No, I talked to him
inside the Parliament.

Where in the Parliament?

In the... In the lobby.

[in French]

[in English]
That's...

Why they call them lobbyists?
Yeah.

Yeah.

-And also, you are not supposed
-What are you doing?

to befriend people
from the Brexit group

because they hate the truth.

I would actually like
to point out that I personally

am a member of the Tory party.

However, during the reshuffled,
my member switched group.

So, I actually ended up
a little stuck

Don't bother.

I'm not personally
in favor of...

Just don't bother.

I don't give a sh*t
about politics,

he doesn't know about politics.

Wait, can you give me back
my tray?

Great talk.

-I didn't finish...
-Really happy.

New friends. So happy.
What a day, huh?

Yeah, can you give me back
my tray?

Yeah. Tschüss.

Hey!

Don't get too attached
to your MEP. Yeah?

It makes it so much harder
to see them get put down.

[clicks tongue]

Especially when it's your fault.

Thanks, this is not making me
feel better in any way.

-You know that?
-Yeah, I do. Yeah.

Thank you.

[in French]

[in English]
Thanks for lunch.

[tense music]

[in French]

[chuckles]

[clears throat]

[indistinct chattering]

[in English]
Excuse me.

Excuse me.

[upbeat music]

[indistinct chattering]

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Bitte.

This is Samy,
the French assistant.

This is Ingeborg.

She calls me Toto.
I call her Ingy.

Neither of those things
are true.

All right.

Look I'm really sorry
about this amendment thing.

Until this morning,
I had no clue

what an amendment even was.
It's kind of a funny story.

[in French]

[laughs]

-[indistinct chatters]
-[laughing]

[in English]
She has the worst sense

of humor, my friend.

Wait! Can you help me?
Because I'm lost.

Yeah, sure.

You see, countries in Europe
were at w*r

all the time for centuries,
until one day, this man,

who most don't remember,
and his deed woman,

she said like, "Guys,
we've got to stop fighting

and work together on regulations
and sh*t." And here we are!

Yeah, but, so...

More concretely?

The deadline to give
the amendment to Eamon

is in seven minutes. Good luck.

[tense music]

Ten years after Northern Rock...

[coughing]

our economy is back on track.

Just take a tiny, little sip.

Rose?

-Rose?
-Yeah.

I was thinking, what are you
going to do after Brexit?

I don't know.
Probably go back to London.

Probably work in public
relations of some sort.

Probably for one of the banking
institutions, I guess.

[chuckles] That sounds dreadful.

Well. I mean it's...

Yeah.

What am I going to do?

I mean,
I've been here for years.

I can't go back out there
in the wild.

I'm like one of those animals
in the zoo.

You know, like in that film,
Madagascar.

[sighs]

Plus the situation in England is
incredibly tense at the moment.

-So stressed.
-Yeah.

Well, i'm sure
that's only temporary.

[clapping]

I just literally don't know
what to do.

Why don't you try
and make a list

of your professional skills.
That's always a good first step.

Yeah, my skills.

Rose?

Rose!

Yeah?

What the f*ck have we done?

[panting]

[in French]

[chuckles]

[sighs]

[deep inhale]

[door closes]

[classical music]

[grunts]

[in English]
Hi.

-Hey, guys.
-Hey.

Guys, i'm still looking
for a place to live.

Would you be interested in
sharing a flat, by any chance?

Could be fun, no?

Lots of ups and downs,

and we realize
that it's living together

that gets us through the day.

Like in L'Auberge espagnole,
the movie?

I don't have that reference.

-L'Auberge espagnole?
-Still no.

Cédric Klapisch, you don't know?
He's a French...

[in French]

[upbeat music]